My Overall impression:
I like the dramatic effect of repeating the first stanza as the last.
I like this part it helps to show how sad she is:
'Or in a group with her friends,
The sadness never goes away...'
Suggestions/Errors:
I know this is in 3rd person but you should really wok on the over usage of she that you have throughout.
Watch your past/present tenses also.
an example:
You will never see her true self when she's like this,
She won't let you...
She believes that if people do,
try
You will never see her true self,
She believes that if people did,
Add some genres, they help your poem get exposure.
I like this font, but it is a little small you may want to increase the size a little...make it easier on you reader's eyes.
The one that's been hapy lately,
happy
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your title, rating and genres are good.
Your first para is strong and makes your reader want to know more.
This is sad and the emotions throughout are very tangible.
Suggestions/Errors:
I wonder if I a replacement, an attempt to fill a gap that can never be filled.
I think you are missing something here.
Did you mean:
I wonder if I am a replacement, an attempt to fill a gap that can never be filled
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Your title and rating are appropriate.
My favorite part is this reminder that we don't know when it will be too late...
'Tell your friends before you go,
Or you too will have your head low. '
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Add some genres to your item, they can help it get exposure.
So thats why we shouldn't be so glum.
that's
Do not weep for known who choose not,
(This is a little confusing.)
I'd work on some of the rhyme choices you have...
not/knot;
ever/over; complete/bleak
My Overall impression:
Great subject to write on.
I agree with you on your thoughts and feelings about time.
Thanks for the very positive read.
Suggestions/Errors:
Add some genres to your poem, they help to get your item more exposure.
This title is used often/ maybe a more creative title to help draw your readers in.
suggestions from your poem;
Wasted Time
Limited Time
Time Versus Life
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Overall Impressions;
I enjoyed your poem.
Great title.
Your rating and genres are good.
I like that you include the prompt that you used to write this and the contest link.
my favorite line:
'The Angels screamed a song of judgement and loss'
(spelling - judgment)
Suggestions:
I think your poem might benefit with punctuation. Some poems do ok without punctuation but I think you could make this a more dramatic read if you put in some. It will break the read up a little and add some pauses..
As with your other poem, I think you need to check your tenses..you go back and forth from past to present.
I think it would be better to stick in one tense.
review # 3 Keep writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS;
Your title, rating and genres are good.
Your poem is intense and very vivid.
These two lines are really good:
'Is the best possible it believes, smiling happily as it feeds on the body,
chewing on juicy organs, and using tiny bones as mere toothpicks.'
SUGGESTIONS;
Tasting,licking its way through the dying body.
Space after the comma.
shivering in pleasure as the marrow dripped free into it demonic mouth
To stay with the other tenses you need to make dripped drips.
You need to check your tenses throughout...it switches back from past to present tense in a few places.
It spread slowly,violating the very soul of the body it was conquering.
Space after the comma.
review # 2
KEEP WRITING,
TAMMY
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Your rating and title are good.
I think we have all felt like this before.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Instead of having this as Other in the static item you should put it as poetry.
You go back and forth from what your life felt like before and after this person was in it...but you skip around and the transition from one time to the other is confusing. Watch your tenses.
The repetition in here takes away from what you are expressing.
Some repetition works well, but I think this is too much.
The repetition along with no punctuation really makes this a fast run poem.
It feels like one big sentence that is repeating itself.
Maybe add some punctuation.
You could also break this up into stanzas and that would help a little.
I say lose some of the 'my world' that you have in here.
and my heart was in
a strange new beat
try
putting my heart in
a strange new beat
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Great poem.
Your rating, title and genres are good.
I love the colors' they enhance your poem/thoughts here.
Your poem has a steady pace and your rhymes work well.
Your words make one want to go out and play in the fall leaves.
'My favorite part:
A chilly, swirling breeze,
Wrapped snug with coat and scarf,
Sipping Grandma's hot apple cider,
Safe before the crackling hearth.'
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
Your rating, title and genres are good.
Very strong first para, it makes the reader want to know more.
Good descriptions throughout.
I like were you took this, I was not expecting this ending at all.
Your story takes a few twist..you lead into each one very well, while keeping the suspense.
Suggestions/Errors:
sweep the porch twice a year What if you asked the peony?
A ? after year.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your rating, title and genres are good.
I enjoyed your memories that you share with us.
I too had a baseball field in the neighborhood where I grew up.
It now holds an insurance business!
: (
Suggestions/Errors:
we could put things the lakes
I think you are missing a word here.
Check you spacing in para 6.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Overall Impressions:
Your title fits well and I like how you use this image to express yourself.
What a sad ending.
But I have felt like this before and you capture the hopelessness of it all very well with your words and the image that you leave your readers with.
Suggestions:
Add some genres to your poem.
I kept tripping over this read;
Carried to wherever I go to,
I have nothing to do.
maybe cut the second to in line 1..?
Overall Impressions:
Your title, rating and genres are good.
This story piques my interest.
Suggestions:
You contest link at the bottom is invalid.
The devastation pver her bad performance proved
over
I would like to know more about this tale!
Maybe set this up a bit more, expand on Elvira and expand on what activities take place in the haunted chair.
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Your title, rating and genres are good.
Cool form, thanks for including the instructions for it.
It's one I haven't done before.
You do it well.
I like how you set this up with the doubt in the first stanza, the drawing in and then to the execution.
If one could see behind those smiles...
Great ending line!
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/tm_lvn_nurse/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/15
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.43 seconds at 8:40am on May 11, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
OVERALL IMPRESSION: 
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Keep writing. Always, Tammy