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The rest of this life, I will make it matter; "these dying days..." |
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An attempt to journal, to be a place of spilt raw human consciousness. Recently crossed that fifty year old age line. At other instances it's just a brain dump. A timid wish, that life can change directions, change, quit hurting...
A shy whimper of hope, no matter how epicly we've managed to mess our lives up- it's never to late to make a change. |
Seventeen,I became a Father. Scared and forced into a spectrum of realities, cold hard facts, that I had absolutely no familiarity with. I took responsibility and made her mom of sixteen an honest woman. I shouldered, my undiagnosed mental health issues, a blooming alcohol problem, along with a wife and a baby to come. After Months and months of dead communication, finally a WhatsApp message from my now 31 year old baby girl appears on my phone: "Hi Dad, it's not that I don't want to answer you because I don't love you or anything like that. On the contrary, it's because I want to hold on to the few sober moments you had in my life, those conversations, laughs, and good times we had. The person you've become today hurts me and causes me pain. You're no longer there... well, I guess you were never 100% there. You were always so inconsistent, and that's not fair to me. I didn't deserve that. For my part, I've always kept quiet and ignored reality so as not to hurt you, because I thought that by "taking care" of you that way, I wouldn't hurt you and you wouldn't hit rock bottom and somehow you would react and get out of there, but that wasn't the case and all I managed to do was hurt myself more and more. I can't ignore this anymore because it's too heavy. It's been 31 years, and I can't take it anymore. I've gone to therapy, I've talked to God, I've hit rock bottom, and I haven't found any answer as to why this is happening. I've just come to accept that this is my reality, that this is the father I was given, and it must have been for a reason, but just as this is what I had to live through, in the same way, I decide how I want to face my life from now on, which battles I can win and which ones I should simply leave behind and move on with my life. That's why I've decided to let you go. You don't want to react; you prefer your drugs, and I respect that decision. I hope you respect mine in the same way. I love you very much, Dad. May God bless you always." I took a couple of days to answer: "Hello, daughter! I received your message, and the truth is the truth, as simple and harsh as it may be. Let me make it clear that I understand every word you said to me. My life as a rolling stone, intermittently making an appearance, full of chaos, not to mention miserable, caused you a lot of pain throughout your 31 years, which I recognize as something very real and so unfair. You didn't deserve that, Meli. I greatly value who you are, darling. If your decision to let go of me will make you a resilient, focused, and happy person, then it is the most courageous and wise decision you have ever made, and I deeply respect it. Since 2013, my battle with cancer, relearning how to speak, and so many other dramas. Don't take this as an excuse; my intention is to give you the reason why "the father I had" is in the state I am in. Since then, it has been a battle that has taken away much more than my sobriety. It has taken away my ability to be a father, a husband, and all my plans for the future that you needed me to be. I do not excuse the damage, but it is the reason for my current destruction. I love you more than the sky, my girl. All the regret I carry gouges my back. The desired to be far from your presence, born out of a moment of clarity, because I was not well. I did not understand what was going on in my head, how to deal with it, but I feel that little by little I will find my balance. I always want what is best for you, Melina, and I will respect your decision. May God bless you too! With all my love, your dad." Hrafnar Árgeir |
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