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 |  Thoughts and deeds taking me on my path toward insanity. |
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Quote of the Day "I never cease being dumbfounded by the unbelievable things people believe." ~Leo Rosten (1908 - ) Ta and Peace, P |
| Hello people; For the past few weeks I have been in a state of serious contemplation due to something that happened that I have little or no control over - or perhaps the potential seriousness of the situation has left me stymied for words that would bring about a resolution I can personally deal with. Life at times is very cruel, but you continue through the madness because to fall would mean someone gets to win. Yet there is no winning, just an emptiness that invades and stifles the emotions until you feel you have nothing left to give, but if you gave everything away to satisfy insecurities it still wouldn't be enough of a sacrifice. I went on a little trip with my sister this past weekend and I will tell you of it in another entry. Suffice it to say, the trip brought about more serious thought, more than what I wanted to deal with, more than I thought I should ever deal with. My sister made many statements that trip. One in particular was very honest and meant to help. Here are her words: YOU ARE TOO NICE. Today I am tired giving myself away and I certainly don't feel nice. Such is life. Another day, another emotion, another drift into an eternity I will never touch. I'll put a few lyrics here so you can let your minds wander through the words. Even though the lyrics are about a love lost, I find them more general in nature, a loss that surpasses mere love. The intangible essence that may never touch us again. Ta and peace for today, P "All That I'm Living For" All that I'm living for, All that I'm dying for, All that I can't ignore alone at night. I can feel the night beginning. Separate me from the living. Understanding me, After all I've seen. Piecing every thought together, Find the words to make me better. If I only knew how to pull myself apart. All that I'm living for, All that I'm dying for, All that I can't ignore alone at night. All that I'm wanted for, Although I wanted more. Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me. I believe that dreams are sacred. Take my darkest fears and play them Like a lullaby, Like a reason why, Like a play of my obsessions, Make me understand the lesson, So I'll find myself, So I won't be lost again. All that I'm living for, All that I'm dying for, All that I can't ignore alone at night. All that I'm wanted for, Although I wanted more. Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me. Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me, To be the one. I could have run forever, But how far would I have come Without mourning your love? All that I'm living for, All that I'm dying for, All that I can't ignore alone at night. All that I'm wanted for, Although I wanted more. Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me. Should it hurt to love you? Should I feel like I do? Should I lock the last open door, My ghosts are gaining on me. http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?artist=1233986&vid=122551 Music and Lyrics by : Amy Lee and Terry Balsamo "Good Enough" Under your spell again. I can't say no to you. Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand. I can't say no to you. Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly. Now I can't let go of this dream. I can't breathe but I feel... Good enough, I feel good enough for you. Drink up sweet decadence. I can't say no to you, And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind. I can't say no to you. Shouldn't let you conquer me completely. Now I can't let go of this dream. Can't believe that I feel... Good enough, I feel good enough. It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good. And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall. Pour real life down on me. 'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough. Am I good enough for you to love me too? So take care what you ask of me, 'cause I can't say no. Music and Lyrics by: Amy Lee and John LeCompt http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?artist=1233986&vid=174728 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Hello people; It's been a while since I ventured into the muddy waters of my blog. Things have been happening, mostly boring stuff I'll write about on another day since we don't need too much homey minutia all in one entry.  Today is about my garden, or lack of one. As a few of you know that have stuck with the moments of madness here, Fresno and its surrounding areas had a killer frost this past winter. Pretty much everything died in my garden, nothing like the grand scale of the billion and a half loss to the farmers, but nevertheless it was mine to witness everyday as the plants either turned to slime or brittle brown chunks falling on the ground with wild abandon. The only thing that survived were a few shrubs and a beautiful bouganvilla. This past spring before I got really ill, I decided I'd replant some of the flowers and a few shrubs. So I bought about a hundred dollars worth of plants, along with new potting soil, and a few new pots. I planted and shifted things around and the garden was beginning to look like someone cared. All the deep purple and brilliant white petunias bloomed in hanging pots and giant urns. The varying shades of pink geraniums stood out in shocking display against the dark of some foliage. Lily of the Nile plants grew in their new spot against the fence, along with transplanted decorative garlic and stalks of purple sage. Miniature daisys peeked from pots and almost hidden spots on the ground. The start of reclamation of a winter-blighted yard had begun. I worked for days and weeks, planting, clearing out the dead to make way for the living. Summer came, and along with its intense heat, came the scourge of my yard - grasshoppers. Within the first weeks of true heat, what I had planted and cared for literally disappeared. I looked out one day and all the Lily of the Nile were gone with only a few brittle stalks remaining where healthy blue blooms and foliage had been. The garlic suffered the same fate. It was as if thieves came in the night and wiped the entire area clean. The purple sage was next to go. And then all the pots of petunias turned solid brown, with nothing left to show they existed except for the image of their remains still standing in a farce of stick animation. The last to die was the bouganvilla that I've had for years. I still have a few geraniums but they have refused to bloom, but I keep watering hoping that as the days cool, something will be left to trigger growth. Since I can't really do any gardening at the moment all I could do was stand and stare at the ugly barren patch I used to call somewhat alive. I also haven't been able to have real plants or flowers in my home for some time so I have silk if I have any. I know, don't scream, we do what we can do when living with certain problems. Well, I got one of the huge plastic bins I call coffins, and went through the flowers stored there. I have different bins for different seasons. So I gathered up all my spring flowers, large stalks of pink and purple tulips, large bushes of peonies, and several plants of an unknown variety and just crammed them in all the pots in my backyard. I can now say that even though the world there is fake, it is kind of pretty, well maybe not pretty, but at least a little more colorful. And hey, I needed that vacation so looking at the tulips that have been out of season for months makes me feel as if I've gone to the Netherlands or something. A girl can dream, can't she? You may laugh or shake you head that I would actually plant fake flowers and shrubs. Go ahead, I laughed long before you did. What can I say, I march to my own drunken drummer. I'm trying to catch moments of small pleasures where I can, because life is just overwhelming these days. Tomorrow you may get some other insane moment and it might not be as pleasant as today's entry. Such is life. Faux or real, it's still mine. Hope everyone has a great day. Ta and peace. P My Garden by P. A. Matthews My garden died and all around I see are dreary deadened landscapes before me, where flowers bloomed beneath the trees of green, brown brittle petals decorate the scene, the stalks of corn show rows of heightened sticks amid the barren vegetable mix, each ray of blazing unrelenting sun has parched the earth where rivers used to run, through fallowed ground fresh seeds refuse to grow their hollowed cores with nothing to bestow. my life is as this hardened bitter ground, yet searches for enlightenment profound, with heart and soul that never can be sold, below dead earth new roots are taking hold— if helped to bloom, how will the plot unfold? |
| Hello; Hope everyone is having a wonderful day. I might write a bit more later, but I'm trying to stay away from the computer for a while since it tends to make my room hotter. And since the tree has been removed from outside my window, the solar blast has upped the temp considerably.  Yes, I live in the little house on the prarie. No central air, just an air conditioner in the living and dining room. I've closed everything off and am just staying there for now since it's been in the 100+ category for days and will be until Sunday or so. I'm no longer good in the heat especially when I get to breathe stale hot air. On the upside, I'm still breathing so yay! I've spent the past week trying to finish a poetry course - almost there only four more classes to go, and then I'll decide if I'm up for the next series of classes. Gosh, I feel totally inept, but hey, maybe I'll make a few more fissures in my brain - or have a stroke. Kidding. I wrote more on the short story that I completed last month and entered it in a contest. I can't wait for the contest to be over so I can add all the bits left on the cutting room floor back into the story and not have to worry about a word count. Perhaps I might consider sending it out somewhere. Lots of stuff swimming around in my head. I'd like to get a bit of it on paper, but every time I sit down to write I want to immediately go to sleep, which I can't seem to accomplish. Oh well, maybe when the weather turns a tad cooler more uninterrupted sleep will happen. Last night I did open up a story I'd left unfinished and did a bit of editing on the first part. I need to actually finish the story which is now only about a fourth of the way done before I edit, but at least the activity got me looking at the story again. It's a story I like but is going to take some serious brain power to figure out the twists and turns of the plot. Yep, like my life, I like my stories complicated.I guess that's it for now. I'll leave you with a poem I wrote last year. Seems fitting as we continue to endure the dog days of summer. Ta and peace, P Too Hot The temperature’s rising a hundred degrees, The brown outs are starting so pardon me, please, If I become cranky and begin to gripe, It’s not dew, quite frankly, it’s sweat that I swipe. With hot air expanding my brain ’til it pops, The asphalt is running in giant tar glops. Mosquitoes encircling, the ants I don’t like, Picnics are maddening, I’m going on strike. No ice in the freezer, no tea in my glass, No trying to please her, hot Summer must pass. I’m waiting for Winter when I fit right in, A lump in a sweater, a blonde with pink skin. |
| Hello people; Have you ever had one of the weeks that was kind of odd? I think I’ve given up expecting normalcy any longer, it just isn’t in the cards. It is definitely a good thing I don’t gamble. This trying to get well business is just plain frustrating on so many levels I am finding it difficult to go with the flow. But that’s what I’m still trying to do … go with the flow. I got to thinking about the week and it ended up being a lost and found type of conundrum. Sunday in the middle of the night, I woke up dizzy. Soon after that I completely lost my equilibrium, a rather disturbing experience while you inner gyroscope blows its mind and you find you don’t know if you’re standing on your head or lying on your side while you hang onto the side of the bed and ride it out. I think all the stress and not being able to sleep precipitated the attack … I just don’t know anything anymore and I’m tired trying to second guess my mental and physical state. So, I was off to a roaring week of bed for several days. I’m really beginning to hate bed, I suppose that’s why I’ve been working on changing things in my bedroom to make it less office-like and perhaps more restful. Ha! I lost my sunglass, a vital implement in offsetting the migraines. I looked everywhere. I’m beginning to think I actually do live on the cusp of a black hole and items are just sucked in when I don’t pay attention. I’m almost positive I lost my mind. I used to have an extremely old camphor tree next to my bedroom. I say used to because Thursday I had to have it removed. More loss. I hated having it removed even though it was advancing toward death. Having insurance forces us at times to be brutal in order to keep it. Due to the age and height of the tree (at least 3 to 4 stories tall), the canopy was huge, with many branches covering the two stories of my home. Can’t have that, especially in California with the danger of fire. So tree fellers came and the tree is no more. I was surprised how quickly they completed their job, only several hours … quite a juxtaposition against the over 50 years it took the tree to mature. I will tell you that the camphor tree was a constant mess, always shocked by the extreme weather, dropping leaves as if it sobbed openly. There were times that so much pollen came off the tree that the ground was covered in thick blankets of yellow dust, quite a sexy tree. Berries fell from the tree, at times with great abandon. I was constantly digging invading roots out of the sewer pipe, never a fun event. Yet, now that the tree is gone I truly miss it. Gone is the home for a variety of birds and squirrels, even though at times their cries grew maddening, but now I miss their song and the rustling of the branches as they settled or flew. The ground where the tree stood is dull and barren except for the small height of the stump which will eventually die, and this has exposed a fern almost as old as the tree that sat in the tree’s shade. It’s depressing to look down the side of my house and see such vacancy, and oh my gosh, it’s too bloody bright in my room now since all the shade is gone and the solar blast occurs. I even miss the hardened berries hitting the trash can in the middle of the night. Such is life. I faced the possibility of loss on a personal front. An experience that left me extremely angry, upset, and unbelievably sad. Life can be very cruel at times. I again lost time. Friday, after hours of cleaning, I sat down, drank a glass of water, and fell asleep. Kind of disturbing since I knew I was exhausted but never felt sleep happening. I just sat and I was gone. That’s the second time in as many weeks. I suppose my body is just going to try to keep me alive by giving me incremental episodes of sleep since the several hours a night isn’t cutting it. I’m kind of afraid the condition is going to become permanent though and I’ll fall asleep somewhere I shouldn’t. Have you seen Paula Abdul’s reality program? She suffers from insomnia and during the time everyone said she was drinking she was actually running on days of no sleep. All of it was captured on film and boy could I relate. Your brain just shuts down even though you’re still walking around. On an up-note, while cleaning I found my diamond and gold earring I’d lost over a year ago. Somehow it had worked itself into the carpet and despite a year of cleaning had never surfaced. But there it was, a little glint of diamond winking from the floor. Now it can go back in the crook of my ear and twinkle a bit. I spent Saturday with my nephew (I’ll write more about that later), but while with him and despite his wild and crazy ways (yes, he’s a bit like me) I realized how much I honestly care for him. Being with him was a nice reminder that no matter what, we would always have that unique bond of friends and at times cohorts. So much has happened this week emotionally and physically that I felt I was drowning in angst and uncertainty. I lost part of me this week, some to illness, a little to insane feelings, a hunk to overwhelming sadness. Tammy Faye Messner died Saturday. During her long illness with cancer, she never gave up, but faced life with an unsinkable attitude that survived with her until her death. What a testimony to life and the will to overcome. As I sat down after a long day away from home, I watched her last interview with Larry King. I thought about the interesting week I’d had, and by no means am I putting myself anywhere near her suffering. I just thought about what I assumed was loss, and I realized it’s okay to feel bad and react to personal loss. It is just if we dwell there that keeps us bound. With everything I have I want to be well and I keep striving toward that end. I wish to have that unsinkable character, but admittedly most of the time I don’t. But I think success this time is going to come in small steps I may not realize I’m treading. Life is unpredictable. I want it otherwise, but am resigned to living the ever-changing life I’ve been given. If nothing else I’m going to try to think of this as a wonderful adventure where I really get to know me. And who knows, perhaps somewhere along the way someone else will get to know me better as well. I think all in all, my personal finds this week far outweighed almost all my personal loss. I’ve discovered though this week’s challenge I still like me and that’s most of the battle. Here’s to winning the war. Ta and peace, P p.s. Stayed tuned – next week is a full moon. |
| Hi; My clock has suddenly turned to Friday, 12:18 on the west coast. Thursday was an odd day, perhaps I'll tell you of it tomorrow, or later today I suppose. I wanted to share the lyrics of one of my favorite songs, at least for today. Most people who have heard it have probably heard Sarah Brightman sing the song. It is Nella Fantasia. The lyrics are in Italian, however, I have also encluded the English translation. If you ever get the opportunity of listening to the song I think you might enjoy it as well. Just a lovely melody with enchanting lyrics. Nella Fantasia Nella fantasia io vedo un mondo giusto, Li tutti vivono in pace e in onestà. Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere, Come le nuvole che volano, Pien' d'umanità in fondo all'anima. Nella fantasia io vedo un mondo chiaro, Li anche la notte è meno oscura. Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere, Come le nuvole che volano. Nella fantasia esiste un vento caldo, Che soffia sulle città, come amico. Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere, Come le nuvole che volano, Pien' d'umanità in fondo all'anima. Music: Ennio Morricone Italian lyrics: Ferraù In My Fantasy In my fantasy I see a fair world, Where everyone lives in peace and honesty. I dream of a place to live that is always free, Like a cloud that floats, Full of humanity in the depths of the soul. In my fantasy I see a bright world Where each night there is less darkness. I dream of spirits that are always free, Like the cloud that floats. In my fantasy exists a warm wind, That breathes into the city, like a friend. I dream of souls that are always free, Like the cloud that floats, Full of humanity in the depths of the soul. And just in case you like things a bit more on the rocky side of life, I offer you a great song by Evanescence. A wonderful wake-up song for the morning. Sweet Sacrifice It's true, we're all a little insane. But it's so clear, Now that I'm unchained. Fear is only in our minds, Taking over all the time. Fear is only in our minds but it's taking over all the time. You poor sweet innocent thing. Dry your eyes and testify. You know you live to break me. Don't deny. Sweet sacrifice. One day I'm gonna forget your name, And one sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost pain. Fear is only in our minds, Taking over all the time. Fear is only in our minds but it's taking over all the time. You poor sweet innocent thing. Dry your eyes and testify. And oh you love to hate me don't you, honey? I'm your sacrifice. (I dream in darkness I sleep to die, Erase the silence, Erase my life, Our burning ashes Blacken the day, A world of nothingness, Blow me away.) Do you wonder why you hate? Are you still too weak to survive your mistakes? You poor sweet innocent thing. Dry your eyes and testify. You know you live to break me. Don't deny. Sweet sacrifice. *Lyrics by Amy Lee and Terry Balsamo, Published by Professor Screweye Publishing Like I said, Thursday was an odd day. Ta and peace, P |
| Hi again; Well, after yesterday’s little foray into madness as well as my minor breakdown, the sun is shining and a slight breeze is cooling the air in my corner of the world … a welcome relief from the 111 degrees of last week - today is supposed to only be around 92 degrees. Yay! Donald Trump has made another bid on a golf course and community of homes in Fresno that is nearing foreclosure. This will be his fourth bid on the property and as of yesterday Mr. Trump shelled out one million to seal the bid. He had stated that after all the bids had fallen by the wayside that he would just pick up the property at foreclosure. I guess whatever bargaining chips he brought made the original owners a little more pleased – call it thirty million up front. We will have to see if this is a good thing for Fresno or not, people’s thoughts on Mr. Trump as a businessman are varied so it will prove interesting which person shows up for completion of the project. He has his eye on other parts of the city as well, so who knows perhaps Fresno will receive the attention it desperately needs. For those of you who don’t know, Alan Autry aka Bubba of Heat of the Night fame, is Fresno’s mayor and somehow along the way helped ‘The Donald’ find us. Another odd tidbit of life in the valley. By the way, Fresno is in the center of California and its San Joaquin Valley, home of William Saroyan and The Dancing Raisins, a mixed honor really since both are quite important here. I have spent several days online trying to find out what everything means regarding the results of some tests. Having a bit of medical knowledge sometimes makes it more frustrating because you can’t really diagnose anything, but you know what’s happening isn’t good. While I was really sick (see I can say that know because the infections have lessened), I had stopped taking most of the minerals and vitamins I usually take so the medications could do their thing. Plus I had to have all those blood test and didn’t want to alter the results. I still don’t like the idea of continuing with the steroids for my lungs but at this point don’t have another option so I’m sticking with that. I don’t think the heart med is doing its thing correctly because the old ticker hasn’t slowed down. Side note: I heard the most interesting phrase on ‘Mystery’ the other night. This man was speaking to Miss Marple and told her he had a dickie ticker, meaning it was bad. I think I may adopt that phrase just to make me smile. Back to the plot. After taking all these meds for months I know that I’m having some sort of setback with the health because I didn’t want everything interacting and/or not being effective. So while reassessing my mental state yesterday, I realized I was a gallon low on serotonin and other vital nutrients. Today I started back on my regime of vitamins, minerals, and nutrients because I simply can’t stand the mental fog, insane dizziness, and physical inability to even walk around. Tomorrow I’m out to the health food store and get something that I hope will help the organs that are working start taking over for those that aren’t working. It’s a gamble but a bit better odds for the moment than undergoing surgery in a truly weakened state. I don’t gamble in a casino, just with my own life. When I have to have surgery at least I’ll have the inside working a bit better. I’m going to try this new product that is heart-healthy and with hopes I will see some slowing down of the heart rate as it roto-roots my veins of plaque. Kind of like doggy biscuits for your heart. If the heart rate doesn’t lessen it’s going to be bad since the portion of my heart that’s gone wonky is the side that suddenly explodes. Yeah, a tad frightening, but I’m trying to keep that in perspective as well. Lots of people have heart conditions far worse than mine and are coping, so I will too in time. I looked at my staircase today. I have so much to clean up in the loft and haven’t been able to get to it. So today I thought I’ll just crab walk up the stairs like a toddler does, so the balance and weight is distributed differently, therefore not putting as much stress in certain areas. I’ll let you know if it works. I figure I’ll start slow and build up to my own stair-master routine. Right, okay, I’ll try to go up and down without passing out and go from there which seems a lot more sane. I guess I best get in gear and try to finish the job I started weeks ago. I’m trying to organize the small room I’m currently in so that it can function nicely as my writing space with desk, computer, bookcases, etc., as well as a somewhat relaxing bedroom for sleep. Perhaps I’ll take you on a mental tour when I’m finished. Hope everyone is having a great day. Here’s to liquid vitamin B’s, I completed this blog entry without having to stop. Yay! Ta and peace, P |
| Hello People; Today I'm just dealing with a medical setback regarding my CAT-scan. New things popped up, black holes I thought might have had light shined into them remain a bottomless abyss, with no answers available at the moment. Giant black holes have developed where none were expected, such a distressing moment. I love the exploration of black holes in space - in my own life they phenominally suck wind. My doctor is gone until the second week in August, so I took charge and called the imaging place to see what I could get done on my own. Nothing as it turns out since I need more orders for more test. Ugh! And we wonder why people buy guns and go shoot people. Frustration becomes quite an aphrodesiac, feeding that need to retaliate when answers are as ephemeral as a million dollar check from Ed McMahon. I will tell you though that the manager of the imaging place has to not be human but an angel in disguise. We talked about the test and some of my options, none of which she could thoroughly aid me with, but it was nice to talk to a concerned person who actually wanted to help me get well. That's half the battle - finding someone who's there in a time of crisis when your mind is screaming and not coping, yet you need to hold fast to reality so you don't sound like some insane person holding a gun, and you're ready to shoot. Yes, I'm excessively angry. To pick one thing in my life at which I'm angry would not serve justice to all the other areas holding angst. I'm still trying to keep my head out of the hole as it's gravity pulls me in. Today I am afraid I have lost that battle, but am praying that tomorrow I will find the grace that I dropped along the roadside and pick it up so I can continue with what needs to be accomplished. Sunday after watching a great church program, I tuned into another program developed through an alliance of Jews and Christians. This particular program dealt with the Russian Jews and their extermination during WWII under Stalin and his regime and how they continue to struggle in poverty even in a supposedly non-communist Russia. I always need to keep my life in perspective when it trips along to a place where I am unable to cope ... sometimes the excercise works, challenging me to get outside the thing that's killing me. Watching this helped me see that no matter how bad my physical or emotional ailments are, there are always greater wrongs done to innocent people than me. And please don't get the idea that I watch these programs to feel better about myself because I don't. I watch to remember that somewhere in all my angst, there is still a caring person living among the thorns not just a blubbering bag of self-pity. But like I said, today is a challenge to overcome the self-pity and continue. I know I will make it, but it is rather dark at the moment. I keep asking myself why I keep writing all this stuff about my personal life when I'm so intensely private. Perhaps that's the reason. Few know me and admittedly after reading most of my blog you're probably glad you don't. See, a happy face to show I'm not self-absorbed. Perhaps somewhere along the way someone is out there that can relate to the angst or joy and like me feel as if very few understand when all the emotions are tied up and not in a pretty cobalt-colored bow. Perhaps there is healing in numbers and if not then at least the thoughts are out of my head and onto paper.I think I've rambled a bit today, such is life for the moment. During all this unsettled bit of life I have continued to write. It's coming very slowly these days due to the exhaustion, but I'm hanging in there as well. People have told me to relax when it comes to my writing, but that at times is as equally difficult as the writing itself. C'est la vie. Here's a little poem I wrote for a class. The subject was supposed to be about something you do daily. I never considered myself a writer, more a thrower of words at paper watching to see what would stick. Writing has never been my passion, singing was, but now that I do it daily the writing has become habit and I miss it if it doesn't happen. Perhaps in the end I'm learning to be a writer after all or just a master at poo glue on paper. Everyone have a great day. Ta and peace, P The Battlefield The battlefield lies before me, wasteland of plastic fallen warriors, life’s blood drawn from hollow barrels spilt to dry upon the lined page of conformity. Jagged edges jerked from a central spiral spine decorate crumpled balls cast on hardened ground. Heroes—villains—lovers wage war across open white space until their final sentencing. Anise and cinnamon waft toward me as if warm trade winds blew across scented water, tastes of the exotic wash over my tongue as I sip the nectar of sustenance while swallowing a bitter pill. Unable to break the barrier between fact and fantasy, there remains a constant search for the ephemeral where words meet paper and coexist in perfected peace. Until then, another exhausted warrior falls from my tired hand, sharing space with the floor clutter of incomplete thoughts hidden between the lines. Undaunted, I choose another soldier and begin my battle anew. |
| Hello people! Blonde here, ready to wreck havoc on an unsuspecting world. Ha! I have to do it subversively these days due to all the running and hiding making me a tad breathless. Well, let’s see what’s been happening. Tuesday I went to the imaging place and finally had my CAT-scan. As I sat in the waiting room I closed my eyes and slipped toward sleep due to being extraordinarily tired and exhausted, something that has never happened in public except for church when I worked long night shift hours at a hospital. I started feeling that falling sensation, and then my body did a slight jerk, waking me back to the land of the conscious. Luckily my name was called after only about forty-five minutes so I didn’t have to embarrass myself by bringing forth a giant snort when the receptionist called my name. My technician was one of the nicest women I’ve met in a long time. I believe she was the same technician who took my chest x-ray and was concerned how long I’d been ill. I have memory black-out for her face though since I was sure I was dying the day I had the x-ray and was just trying to cope with driving and standing upright while gasping like a dying fish. Yes, the mental picture you’re getting is accurate, I was not a pretty sight to look on, the only thing resembling human was the fact that my eyes occasionally blinked. Hmm, robots blink as well, don’t they? Thankfully the test is painless and I didn’t have to have contrast medium to light me up so I could become a nightlight in my world. I remember having to have a several hour-long test that required radioactive isotopes injected in my veins so the machine could move around me and give a three dimensional view of everything in my body. I can truly appreciate how much cancer patients have to go through with chemotherapy and radiation. That one experience, sitting in a locked nuclear medicine lab while the technician pumped poison in my veins, was enough for me. The injection lasted for six minutes and couldn’t be stopped. As soon as the needle was in and the flow started, the stuff hit my head and stomach simultaneously and the world spun out of control. The really nice man had told me this was probably going to happen as well as the burning from the stuff leaking from my vein into surrounding tissue. I can laugh pretty easily at medical stuff since I’ve been around it enough and if you don’t laugh the process becomes difficult. I thank God I am able to have a whacked sense of humor, without it life would become very bad indeed. The technician looked at me as I focused on my skin turning white and exploding with sweat. He gently pushed my head between my legs while pushing the stuff in the vein with the other hand. I joked with him that if I stopped breathing he’d only have that maximum time of six minutes that the injection took to do CPR. Luckily he had the same type of warped sense of humor and proceeded to crack inappropriate medical jokes during the remaining time. Like I said, I give kudos to anyone who has to endure medical conditions and treatments where the only thing that will help you has the potential to kill. I hope someday to have that much grace. I got side-tracked, back to my woman technician. As I mentioned, she was wonderful, very helpful, easing me from nervous situation with a smile and willing attitude so lacking within a good portion of our society. She asked if I was having pain, which I was, and then explained why the need for this current test. Apparently, the chest x-ray is one of the more complicated areas to read – duh, so much packed into such a tight area, so the imaging place had one radiologist devoted only to those x-rays. Can you imagine his stress level? I can’t. However, I did ask if I could see my films when we were done, which the technician readily agreed to do so there wasn’t that feeling of mystery surrounding the test, another relief in the long months of stress. I would like to thank each one of you who said they would pray for me and keep me in their thoughts as I go through these tests. I will tell you that as I remained on the pad and was inserted into the CAT-scan ring, all anxiety left me and I was just able to close my eyes and listen for instructions on when to hold my breath, etc. God was truly in that room, relieving my mind so I could relax. The technician told me that if anything of an emergency nature was occurring in my chest, the radiologist would immediately call the doctor and I would be informed. She also said that the radiologist would inspect every small spot on the films so nothing would be missed. I haven’t heard any bad report, so I am guardedly hopeful this means nothing is wrong with my aorta, which honestly I am the most worried about. My doctor wasn’t in. I finally called the imaging place and had them send me a copy of the report, so at least I’ll know what the doctor is talking about when next we speak. Perhaps by next week I’ll have more definitive results from the scan and the blood work. Until then, I’m trying to stay out of the black hole that is attempting to swallow me whole. I will admit that I have been in an extremely bad mood for weeks, partially due to all this out of whack energy that is exhausting me to the point of insomnia again. My brain and insides are humming along at 120 mph while my body is falling over, yet sleep at times is as distant as the moon. Such is life today. Be that as it may, I really am thankful to be alive to tell how frustrated and happy I am. Griping hopefully will pass soon and a small bit of joy may peek its head in to see if the room is safe to enter. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers. I value each one. Ta for now, it’s almost 1:00am and I desperately need some beauty sleep. Peace, P |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Okay; I just can’t let this pass without comment. Yesterday, we had this concert to enlighten us about global warming, blah, blah, blah. Hey, I like a good concert, but come on, am I really going to listen to a bunch of people with entourages bigger than all the people living on my block combined? Not likely. And personally, I don’t appreciate being lectured by someone who makes their living using tons of electricity, runs around in limos, dances the night away in lighted clubs, drawing us to them as if we are moths to taxis, while telling me I should only use one square of toilet paper when I need it. Seems rather like a giant poop hill of hypocrisy if you ask me. You didn’t? … too bad. I saw one act out of twenty-four hours of enlightenment, and gained absolutely nothing from the experience except confirmation that the sheep-people listen to acts that aren’t very talented. I digress. My main complaint, among the thousands that rang in my head like lead hitting stone, was this: Hmmm … twenty-four hours of keeping venues open and running concerts while being lectured to conserve energy. I think we could have accomplished more without anything being done that day rather than wasting all that power on nothing. Does this seem redundant to anyone who is seriously trying to conserve? Do we think for one moment that all the background lighting and stage spots were energy-conserving coiled fluorescent lights? Nope. Let’s call it what it really is. People like concerts; they don’t need a reason to attend other than acts they like. Hey, let’s slide something in there that will make them guilty so they will attend the concert and think they’re providing something great to the world when in actuality all they are doing is going to a concert and perhaps sending a little cha-ching to the supporters, who won’t send all the money to those trying to make a difference, but will use most of it in overhead for a concert we didn’t need. Spare me. I believe in recycling, re-inventing the wheel to make it less energy-driven and more responsible, as well as trying to rid my land of undue waste. What I don’t believe in are people jumping on a bandwagon just to say they participated in something they know little about, yet feel the need to lecture just to look involved. Perhaps, while Al Gore was inventing the Internet and giving out misguided and at times erroneous information on global warming to satisfy something in his person that he lacks, he should have been relating to his children and telling them drugs and driving don’t mix. And wasn’t it Tipper who not so long ago made such a stink on Capital Hill about putting warning labels on albums against the very people who were probably appearing at these concerts? My how times have changed just to promote a flawed cause. By the way, one time I did vote for Al Gore – yes, I was deluded. In closing let’s remember what’s really important. It isn’t going to be the hundreds of acts performing for thousands of people to bring about world energy conservation. Do I hear Kumbaya in the background? It’s going to be you and me, changing our light bulbs, changing how we live, and making sure products are safe for everyone that is going to make the real difference. If you need a concert to make you aware, then you’ve missed the point. I doubt anyone reading this will have missed the point. And just so you don’t think I’m totally a spoilsport, I really liked Alicia Keyes shoes. Now they were fun. You are now returned to your regular programming. Ta and peace. P |
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