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 |   A place where everybody can feel easily offended - my head! |
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I'm gathering quite a collection of blogs. "Invalid Item"  is a bit-of-a-rant. I've got a big gob, and it would be a shame not to use it. "Invalid Item" is just that. It's the product of the bits of me mentioned above  filtered through my subconscious."Invalid Item" dealing with all things to do with battling sexes, especially exes.Want to know something trivial or obscure? Not really bothered about whether it's right or wrong, as long as it's believable? ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** WELCOME TO THE HUMAN GOOGLE!  I may never have mastered the art of tying shoelaces, but I win every time I play Trivial Persuit. Friends place bets on how many people I can, unintentionally, upset on a night out. I am the place where boundless enthusiasm meets embarrassing arrogance. Important Information - Please Read I realise some folk do not get Satire. I love a little baffoonery and believe, rather like the jesters of old, you can say quite a lot more than kings when people think you are an idiot. If you are literal minded, best not read on. If you can tell your arse from your elbow, and recognise when an attack isn't an attack then please read:
Heck, even if you can't tell your appendages from one another, read it anyway: who am I to tell you what you can do and what to take from my writing?  The XGC rating is due to the unknown content of many minds - it may be fluffy bunnies or....not! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED Welcome to my world! Acme  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** http://twitter.com/acmetweet Skype me at acmetoo template thing-a-ma-bob: {c:green}Write{/c}: {c:green}Edit{/c}: {c:green}Kids{/c}: {c:green}Relationships{/c}: {c:green}Physical{/c}: {c:green}FFF{/c}: |
| I like whisky and crazy ladies Ones who play and laugh I like friends who hug your knees When you are feeling bashed I like those who spare a smile When others force beliefs Celebrate support worth while Instead of pointy teeth I like some pride and dignity In sharing hopes and dreams I like compassion and diversity And saying what you mean There's nothing best than grinnin' And I like to make a face  'Cos I like writes and crazy women Of any colour case Hurrah for all the rainbow walkers out there, who celebrate community, support, good writing and GOOD MANNERS  Love to my crazy ladies - you know who you are... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you love the 'fro's - (mine is natural ) check out my hubby's arty website! They're having a 'fro-off' in one of their threads at the moment and it's hair-larious  Oh, yeah - and they also do serious art, too  http://foundmyself.com/gallery/andytetlow ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I am, by nature, a nosey-parker. I can't help myself. This; combined with an un-nerving ability to blurt out secrets by mistakes, makes me a natural political commentator and a hopeless politician. In the past this has lead to me becoming a sort-of-socialist. You know the type; a sloganeer with a great wardrobe of khaki and the knack of making those, who never even considered themselves to be oppressed, suddenly want to rise up and visit some basic Human Rights on my ass. You may not be familiar with 'Citizen Smith' - 80's political activist wannabe and sit-com hero for a restless generation (suffice to say Che was very chez), and 'Power to the People' became a battle cry in the playground. Well, the poor guy felt frustrated most of the time, and I guess that I am too. There are some real prats in the universe, and even the Optimistic Humanist Socialist (Trekie/Treker to the layman) can start to lose faith. Then something comes along and makes the people come together. Spirits rise, dictators fall. Anthems are written and common bonds are sealed among strangers. There's a British Building Society under-going panic withdrawls at the moment. They mucked up. The Bank of England mucked up a securing loan detail, blah-blah-blah. The little people are the ones panicking - it's their savings on the line. Little old ladies, men in wheel chairs, infirm and scraps savers; all are the ones left queuing in the cold and rain on grimy streets. Dunkirk spirit and a sense of British Precision Organisation (synchronised queuing). Then I watch the thing I love happen: Big, burley men with tattoos, aid little old ladies to chairs, demanded (politely) on their behalf. Local reporters listen patiently to personal woes that end with smiles and 'thank yous'. For all our petty politicians, I love this country's sense of unity, morality and solidarity toward the 'little person' - who ultimately just wants to be treated fairly, with respect and listened to. Seen. Maybe nosey-parkers aren't such a bad thing after all. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Don't panic!! I'm not blogging whilst under the influence (not yet anyhoo  ) Just wanted to stop by and let you know that I had another job interview today and, this time, kept the secret dream of becoming an astronaught a silent thought! I've worked out the interview process - LIE!!!  Yes, this job is all I have ever wanted to do. No. Well, no convictions, anyway! I actually worked with Bill Gates, so Microsoft apps are second nature. Nothing makes me happier than when I'm challenged! I usually fit in easily and tend not to make ripples. So, will your father be along soon to run the interview? Thank you for making this interview such a life enhancing experience!Now I know I need my Bacardi Divas tonight  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I believe in trumpets! If you don't like going around blowing your own, I still think that it is only polite to point out that you know how to play one... I happen to be able to render a pretty believable rendition of 'Match of the Day' on my daughter's Cornet; but that wasn't where I was going with this.Here's my trumpet:
It isn't comedy - it's actually a real article with a POV, that just won 3rd place in kiyasama's Project Write World competition. See! Not just a pretty face, tight buns, and wit to kill for ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I generally get to be the 'nominated driver' for events. I don't mind this, as a night out with alcohol can lead to one of me being let off the leash and out of control. You may think; "That's Ok - just make sure it's Emmy!" However, try and remember that elderly relative, that everyone has had, who drinks a sherry and then shows the kids how to really dance...  No. "Well, Mark's a sugar coated, honey - smooth as silk for all occasions?" Oh yeah, and when drunk tells everyone how much he loves them, and that they are his 'besterest friends in the universe, ever', before moving onto the next table of strangers...  No. "At least Amanda should be mousy, plain, unassuming and not cause a scene?" Wallflower? Awkwardly dancing with kids to 'The Time Warp', when not picking out the filling from vol-au-vent cases... No. "Oh, dear. Yes, I see the point with Castor." Uh-huh! One whisky too many and everyone 'gets what's coming to them!' ... 'And another thing!...'  No. I've returned home, having left hubby and Acme jr. to have all the fun, whilst I tucked Baby Acme into her bed. Not only is it responsible and sensible; it also means I can remove my pearls and make-up, and crawl back into my Che Guevara T-shirt and shorts. Oh, and blog this entry before I get one of those scary reminders from the system  Party Hard! Write on and take care, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Look, I try to be all grown up about stuff. Christmas shopping at an early date, buying useful and thoughtful gifts well before December rears it's advent-head. But the kid in me loves Hallowe'en . I've been planning a contest for WDC designed to make it last as long as possible (and I couldn't even wait a few hours until midnight ) - Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Tell no-one, enter and win all the lovely stuff for yourself!Yes - I do know that it's September. But Time is mean and speeds up over the good stuff and takes forever when waiting for the fun to begin (bloody quantum cats, again...)
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She made it! Safe, sound and full of fun Baby Acme was so tired out after her big day, she couldn't keep up with the family schedule and had to get her daddy to put her in bed  The family schedule actually centered on Acme jr, for this evening Emily is a ten year old version of Hermionie Granger - the one that we haven't had to worry about and who is picked on by Jennifer.Whereas Jennifer went to Disney, bemoaning the hight restrictions on all the 'cool' rides, Emily questioned whether she should dare to open her eyes on 'Pirates of the Caribbean'. Tonight I was soooooo proud of her - she took a risk. Being the studious sort, Emily (Ed) is the type to watch, assess, train, re-asses, and then consider. Ultimately, she may move on to the 'trying' stage in moments of cavalier madness. Tonight she attended her first Swimming Gala and chose to compete, having assessed that she was likely to be beaten. She decided to compete against herself and aim for a finish of the two lengths that were required. Guess what? She came third in her heat and was nearly as proud as I was I'm not a big believer in competitive parents who push their kids. However, I am a big believer in facilitating my children's desires to experience the joy of exceeding their own self expectations, and celebrating skills they never knew they had. Well done, Ed  I'm so proud of you!Take care, my friends! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I tuck Jennifer into her bed using the same routine that we have developed over her 4 and 3/4 years of existance: "PJ's?" she nods, and points to her jutting out belly. "Teeth?" she grins like a harvest moon. "Toilet?" eyes roll - Isn't it obvious? "Then it's time for bed!" I watch her tiny legs scramble up the ladder of her Cabin-Bed. They seem too short to go to school tomorrow. So, she has clambered aboard 'La Femme de la Mere' - her bedroom is painted with underwater scenes, and that Cabin-Bed is really a sunken galleon. Giggling, she lays to attention, as I shake out her aquatic duvet and allow it to gently waft down onto her perfect, miniature form. Her tiny button-nose wrinkles with delight and creases up her sun-kissed freckles. Chocolate brown eyes stare trustingly, and lovingly, into mine. "I want a story about mermaids," she says as normal, and then adds; "and make them go to school, like me!" My stomach lurches, contracts and flips. "Are you excited about going to school?" Pleeeeease say 'No', I'm thinking. Say that you don't want to go and Mummy has to home school you... "Yes, I'm so exciting! - " " - excited." " - I said that!" she pouts. "Now, tell me a story about mermaids." So, I tell her a story about mermaids, just like every other night. We say a prayer to make Nana Pat's cancer go away. We kiss 'goodnight' and reedy arms link around my neck. "Nighty-night, Stinky Jen!" I say, hovering at the door. "See-you-in-the-morning, Smelly Mummy!" she beams back. I plod downstairs with a heavy heart, knowing that this is just another step toward parental redundancy. I also know that it's the start of another parental adventure. A smile flickers at the corner of my lips as I imagine how that school is going to cope with a mermaid among it's population. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Tuesday night was 'Back to School' night (no Bacardi for this event  ). I'm the second youngest in the Creative Writing Class at the local college (the Tutor is the youngest - and he's balding...)It's not real school. For instance, although we had to run through Health & Safety Procedures, Meet & Greet Introductions, and complete Student Application Forms, we did it our way. Leslie (CSI fan, erotic writer and mild mannered Medical Secretary) brought in a HUGE, homemade Cream Cake AND they even let me use the knife to cut it up with! Surprising, after the 'Arson Incident' last year:
She had made it for Cath (Gore and Horror specialist - ruddy, cheeked mother of lots) whose birthday it was. I'd brought the Pressie (bath bombs and assorted smellies )Pauline (Librarian and Reviewer/critic - eats books for all major food group substitutes and can make wine disappear at an alarming rate) had brought the chocolates and a 'new addition to the group - Sheila' (socialist campaigner - documentary maker, serious journalism and political commentator) Last, but not least, my class-room buddy, and partner in activities, Michael (well spoken/schooled, latin speaking, retired Math tutor - writes incredible visual imagery in 'slice of life' tragic short stories) We all sang 'Happy Birthday' to Cath, and then let our Tutor, Alan (horror/Johnny Cash fan and calmer than a tub of valium) start the lesson. He'd done quite a lot of research and programme planning. He'd even spent time in putting lots of little pictures around the handouts. By the time we had taken over with the 'Party', I was beginning to feel sorry for him. I have therefore decided to do my Homework for him, this week - It seems the least I can do I'll wait until the night before and crash it like normal!** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Monday night is Bacardi Night. It is the start of my neighbours weekend and, as I am an irresponsible sort, I join in. Tuesday mornings are usually full of coffee, asprin and soul searching. Today is no exception. For this morning I have woke up to discover that I am worse than bigoted - I am racist I don't know where my hatred of Luxembourg came from - and to be fair, I have no problem with it's people, Duke Henri (ruler of this seemingly innocuous Dutchy), or it's rich iron ore industry. The countryside to the north is supposed to be idyllic with it's forests, rivers and wildlife. The rich farmland of the south is rolling and verdant in such a temperate climate. So how can I be so unreasonable? It's because they're a bunch of Bankers. I found something unnatural about a country with a ratio of one financial institution to every two citizens. But, I realise now that that is wrong of me - everyone has to earn a living and, so what? they are the global auditors! A nation that holds the balance sheets for most of the planets countries - big deal. In an effort to stamp out racism, I have taken it upon myself to google Luxembourg and try to understand the Luxembourgers better. Ignorance breeds fear and understanding brings enlightenment
People of The Grand Dutchy of Luxembourg Acme is sorry!!I have discovered an end to my souls torment, and a love for all things Luxembourgish In an effort to atone for my heinous derision of your financial institutions I promise to uphold your countries name should I come across such racial ignorance in others - I am now your champion and hope all Luxembourgers can find it in their hearts to forgive my failings and celebrate my new-found clarity of vision.I love you Luxembourg Thanks for being there Acme ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
I hate werewolves and yet I'm drawn to watching them in films - see it's one of those 'what if' things  I love italian and indian food so, I'm like a human garlic bulb: vamipre's are buggered.I'm not an archeologist, nor have an eccentric country residence: Mummy who?I don't dance in fairy circles, say candyman into mirrors, look for trollsI've pretty much got the whole 'undead' thing covered - except for werewolves. It's that 'silver' catch. I'd love to wear it but, I'm so toxic that I even turn 925 sterling silver black within hours  I'm fine most of the time and this fear doesn't effect my everyday life. However, I'm now watching one of my favourite films, Dog Soldiers, and don't want to go outside and put the rubbish in the bin. It could get me! See you all tomorrow - I hope... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I love the idea of Napoleon lying prone on his deck, stretching out to his friend, Hardy, and using every last ounce of life and strength in conveying his last words; "Kismet, Hardy?" Only for some common oik of a non-commissioned officer to shanty past and mutter: "What's he want a bloody kiss fer, aint he dyin'?"   Fate really does have fickle fingers. Napoleon doomed a comedic death in every school kids eyes, instead of the proud bastion of profundity. Maybe he forgot to 'Pay it Forward'. If there's one thing that I'm constantly learning, it's that "what goes round really does come round" This morning I steered the kids out of a two hour service at church and headed for the nearby supermarket, so that I could feed their bodies now that their minds were full They had been good (yes, even baby Acme - who it is acknowledged by the Priest as one of the children Jesus told us to suffer to come unto him ) so I nodded when they asked for chocolate.Now, this may come as a surprise to some but, I think the reason that I've reached my mid-thirties without a tooth having a cavity, is due to my insane dislike of chocolate - I was gifted with a 'pickled tooth' instead of a sweet one. This abnormality means that I do not know the cost of it. When I reached the checkout, I was financially embarrassed to the tune of 2p (4cents) The poor checkout girl was hollering for a supervisor to void one of my items and there was a rather large queue developing behind me. Then a child, of about 7 or 8 came up to me and said; "Hey lady, you can have my 2p, 'cos I've bought my sweets already." I took it from his grubby little fingers and beamed down on him, truly thankful - It was not the amount, rather the lack of thought behind it that floored me. How altruistic and philanthropic; a true kindness that expected nothing in return. Not one adult (not even me) thought about coughing up the throw away metal that saved embarrassment for me, time for the other customers, and a grumpy supervisor for the check-out girl. When I returned back on site at WDC I got a message from one of my favourite site authors dareng thanking me in advance for the 10 reviews I had gifted him in Tigger thinks of Prancer  's gift exchange - well, I couldn't remember making the gift (that isn't proof of anything in my world!) and I'd already given a gift to the very talented jbjackson. I thought of the grubby fingered philanthropist and spent the next two hours of my life having a blast reading a brilliant fantasy/action adventure serialisation that I may never have discovered otherwise So I'm paid up for now - until nex time ! However, if you find yourself bored and fancy taking a flight of fancy, try this:
Until next time - Write on and take care, Acme ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| So, I'm wincing at the 'Postman's Surprise' this morning - (The dreaded British Brown Envelope). Turned out to be an account statement. These envelopes smell funny - like gum and lack of care. Of days spent sitting in Office Stationary Cupboards, un-loved, un-wanted, under appreciated. Why? Because they are the staple of the Tax Man, the Court Summons, the Utility Bill. People dress them up with fancy titles, like 'Manila' - they are Brown Envelopes. No-one would ever consider sending a Birthday Card or other seasonal greeting inside of one. They are the Euriah Heap of the bureaucratic world and our children do not need to know about them yet. White envelopes are like The Good Witch of the North - nothing Wicked about them. The contain, 'Dear Sir, Thank you for...', or 'Congratulations on booking your holiday with us...' Sometimes they can contain more than Valentines, Christmas, and Birthdays put together. Today I logged on to WDC and saw a White Envelope. Welcome back Kaya  Oh, a day never seemed so long Stay strong, write on and take care, Acme ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Lornda  Lauriemariepea ljkamSendintheClown LIS - Here Again! Arakun the Twisted Raccoon  ßlueyeʐ 💮  7up Raven Filling Up Her Port! tayaskyԜ€ß☆ԜiʈCH  and of course Kaya THANK YOU - you know what for! (erm... just in case you don't; it's for making someone who looked like this: , look like this:)** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I'm in a guerrilla terrorist mood today (Guevara not Osama) - I tend to get all fiesty on unsuspecting anthropomorphic personifications in unsuspecting ways I hate Cancer. He's sooooo pointless and there are plenty of better fights to set people up against than that one with him. In Britain we have been lucky to have been graced with our version of Lance Armstrong; Jane Tomlinson. Jane died on September 4th, 17years after her first diagnosis. She inspired so many through her determination to live beyond her disease. She ran Marathons, cycled long distance, had kids (Steven in May 1997 - poor lad), competed internationally in 'iron man' tournaments and raised approx $2 million dollars for cancer charities. My favourite accomplishment was a 4,200 mile Ride Across America, from San Francisco to New York. Jane Tomlinson 1964-2007you will be missed So, my mother is also saddened by the loss of Jane. She cheerfully puts on a wig (too hot for this weather), draws on eyebrows (well, a woman should always make an effort), and bravely turns into SuperMum. It's a tiring war that she's been waging for over a decade - she isn't winning anymore. And then here I am on WDC - and that evil bastard is still haunting my every move and attacking the people that I really care about. Well, just you wait, Mr Cancer - I'm not giving them up without fighting back. I'll drag your sorry ass back down in to the bowels of hell, myself. Squeeze the rotten air out of your puss-filled lungs and crush your toxic bones to ash, if I have to. How? Any way I can - It's my 10month anniversary for stopping smoking - TAKE THAT!  Love, prayers, kisses, hugs and wishes to all those who fight that fight; for themselves and for their loved ones who fight using guerrilla terrorism. Stay strong, write on and take care, Acme ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| So, it's September and the schools are going back in. This means that baby Acme (Jennifer 4) is ready to take the big step into uniform This also means that my husband is looking at me with 'so, any thoughts of when you'll be returning to work?' eyes Today was my first job interview this century. The boss seemed 'nice', the solicitors offices were 'professional' and I even attempted to use straighteners on my hair so that they knew that I was serious (and not just from a passing circus). "So, Amanda, do you have any typing qualifications?" "Yes, I'm self taught and have a HUGE body of evidence on WDC" "On, What, What, What?" "Approximately 45wpm touch typing" "Ah. Tell me, what is your main ambition?" "To become an astronaut and be on the first maned mission to Mars, sir." "And you think you can accomplish that here at Cavendish Briggs?" "No, sir. I feel that Cavendish Briggs could supply me with the wages to invest in a seat on those upper-atmospheric-flight, passenger waiting lists, that one reads so much about now-a-days - it's a step in the right direction." "Yes. Quite a small one, I'm lead to believe. Thank you for your time..." Hubby was very understanding about the trouble I seem to be having in the current British labour market Later, Acme ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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