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 |  This was my first blog, maybe my best blog...nah! The journey continues with another..!
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Check out this signature's match at Thomas  's blog** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "You want to become aware of your thoughts and choose them carefully. You are the Michelangelo of your own life; the 'David' you are sculpting is YOU!" Dr. Joe Vitale
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| Relationships are weird. For this reason I find it attractive to be "a rock" or "an island," adrift alone with no one and nothing to bother me. Phooey on complicated relations with other humans...who needs 'em! *pout* For quite some time I've been corresponding with that old boyfriend of mine, the one from my high school days. He's a great person, I knew that, but with every e-mail sent back and forth I realize-ever so belatedly-what a perfect fit we would be. Isn't it nice to know all these years later. Phooey. To rub salt into the situation...yes, I was the one to break up with him, I was the one who, to this day, knows that I was too young to want "forever" at sixteen. I just wasn't ready and I knew it. He-and yes there are men like him because he's living proof-wanted "forever" at eighteen. He maintains to this day that if we'd stayed together he would have been content...he just knows it for a fact. He can see us in an alternate reality, he says, and it would have worked on HIS side he knows. Well great. I know I made the right choice back then. I don't regret the paths I've taken during my life's trek for the most part. I absolutely can't regret marrying who I did because my girls are amazing people who deserve to be in this world. I'm looking forward to being ON MY OWN with no one to answer to or consider when I make all my future twists and turns along this rocky road... But a little niggling part of me reads his e-mails, laughs at his sarcastic jokes, feels the glow of having known this man for most of my life and STILL finding him so much fun to converse with and still finding things to say and share, knowing in the deepest part of me that it probably always would have been this easy... I can't help a glance backwards with perhaps a sprinkling of regret. I wrote the story a couple of years ago:
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| Sometimes when you finish a journey, you arrive at a place that looks very different from what you thought it was going to look like. You might be disappointed, you might be pleasantly surprised. But you should definitely be hopeful that things will get better. You are where you need to be, and if you aren't happy about the accommodations, be patient. Learn to live with it and explore what it offers. This place you are in has much more to offer than you realize. I like it when something "speaks" to me, and this little horoscope of mine definately DID. Some might think that my previous entry about faith in the Creator would negate my belief in horoscopes and the like, but I don't see it that way. I often see things in a more "skewed" way than what is considered "normal," whatever that is, and my take on this sort of issue is no different: in my own humble opinion I DO believe in the basics of horoscopes--I'm too "libra" NOT to, but at the same time, do I base every life decision around them? Of course not. Like anything else, horoscopes need to be tempered with common sense and reality. The stars were created by the Creator so to me it's no big leap to think that there is some basis in fact to astrology. The alignment of planets, suns, and moons has always been known to affect weather, gravity, and even mood. Why couldn't we also see, in the universe, so many other basic reasons for why we are how we are? Will it give us ALL the answers? No way, any more than any one thing ever will. But sometimes an astrologist's reading of the "stars" can hit close to home. And whether you fully believe in it or not, wherever you come by an "ah ha" moment for yourself...grab it, embrace it, then apply it. Today's Libra horoscope did it for me.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** created by laurie_o |
| Even though I know the river is wide I walk down every evening and I stand on the shore And try to cross to the opposite side So I can finally find out what I've been looking for In the middle of the night I go walking in my sleep Through the valley of fear To a river so deep And I've been searching for something Taken out of my soul Something I would never lose Something somebody stole I go walking in my sleep Through the jungle of doubt To a river so deep I know I'm searching for something Something so undefined That it can only be seen By the eyes of the blind In the middle of the night I'm not sure about a life after this God knows I've never been a spiritual man Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river That runs to the promised land In the middle of the night I go walking in my sleep Though the desert of truth To the river so deep We all end in the ocean We all start in the streams We're all carried along By the river of dreams In the middle of the night Now here's the message of faith I really do believe. I wrote about it before, but what the heck, it's the time of year to discuss faith. No matter what else I believe, I know Someone watches over me and believes in me. If He didn't I'd be much more of a mess than I am. I wouldn't believe in myself and my ability to overcome life's hurdles if I didn't believe with eveything in my core. The core of who I am knows without a doubt that He is there, here, everywhere...He is not what you and I think of as "real"...but He is more real than you and I could ever be. He is what holds it all together...life, love, hereafter and NOW. Thank God. In so many words. And Billy Joel's.  This is our moment Here at the crossroads of time We hope our children carry our dreams down the line They are the vintage What kind of life will they live? Is this a curse or a blessing that we give? Sometimes I wonder Why are we so blind to fate? Without compassion, there can be no end to hate No end to sorrow Caused by the same endless fears Why can't we learn from all we've been through After two thousand years? There will be miracles After the last war is won Science and poetry rule in the new world to come Prophets and angels Gave us the power to see What an amazing future there will be And in the evening After the fire and the light One thing is cretain: Nothing can hold back the light Timme is relentless And as the past disappears We're on the verge of all things new We are two thousand years |
| Parts of my spirit were found in a "newbie's" beautiful account of his daughter's memory and a cat who served as his unexpected foil; his story brought me to some tears and realizations. It's not about where I am in a career or lack of it, not about my seeming inability to "get moving" on projects long delayed that I've "been meaning" to tackle but never seem to. It's not about "feeling sorry for myself" which I must face that I do far too often anymore, part of that "brooding" thing and a catch-22 because I've never liked a person who felt such levels of self pity...and now I'm ONE of them:??? ICK!!! But it's not about any of that. It's so simple, really. It's about life. Enjoying the people in your life while they're here, enjoying the simplicity of my OWN life and the fact that I exist in a place where the ground is white with blowing snow that makes the landscape so beautiful. It's about the quietness of THIS particular holiday as opposed to other holidays I've enjoyed that were definately more raucous and loud, more "people friendly" than this one will be. And thanks to my friends who responded to my last entry, I realize its okay to be sad at times, it's okay to crave a more quiet holiday, it's OKAY to just enjoy it for what it IS. Thanks to YOU for parts of my spirit... I have Liz set with an appointment on Jan 9th at the University of Illinois in Chicago. The therapist called to confirm and she sounds like such a wonderful woman-when I told her Liz had been diagnosed bipolar at 15 but experiencing symptoms since age 12, she actually gasped and with very real empathy said, "you all have had it so rough during these last few years, haven't you?" It was like one of those weights that says "one ton" lifted from my shoulders when she uttered those words and my shoulders sagged, tears sprang to my eyes. "Yes," I rasped into the phone, "we have." Parts of my spirit were found in that phone call. I fervently pray that she's as good in person as she was on the phone. Parts of my spirit in different places around my life, but vital parts which have collected together to form a quieter spirit, but definately a more positive one. Thank you WDC friends for the very active role you have in that.  And the story which started the gathering of said spirit:
This man claims to be a novice at creative writing, but his heartfelt, honest storytelling is unbelievable. Read it and feel your heart expand. |
| I haven't had a ton of Christmas spirit this year. In fact, I've pretty much had to fake whatever "spirit" I've tried to display in front of my kids, especially the 13 yr old. I can't help feeling that she's been ripped off in so many ways; her childhood, especially for the last couple of years, certainly hasn't been the low-stress trouble-free one her sisters enjoyed. There hasn't been too much "Brady Bunch" in her world these days. I keep telling myself that might be a good thing. I work to still keep things as even-keeled as possible for her even when I have to grit my teeth and paste a smile on my face. I don't fool her, though, and I end up feeling sooo guilty for it. I wish I didn't have to "paste" a smile on my face--I wish I could mean it as much as I did when the other two were younger... It's not that I was so much happier back then, but I WAS busier, and for me busy often means more satisfied with less time on my hands to dwell, and that's always a good thing for me. I call myself an "overthinker" in the way I end up brooding over too much too often...that's what time on my hands does, it turns me into a brooder. Not exactly the life of the party. When I'm in this "brooding" mode it's hard to get into ANY kind of spirit, much less a Christmas one. I feel like this holiday season snuck up on me when I wasn't prepared and I'm just not ready to be jolly. But I have a kid who needs me to be...three kids, really. The other two may be "grown" but they're still young enough to want Christmas spirit from their mom. Sigh. So I paste on the smile and chew on candy canes and bake cookies like I have every year. We'll drive around looking at Christmas lights after the Christmas Eve service at our church because it's what we do every year. I'll make a really nice Christmas Eve dinner before church and a Christmas brunch after presents on Christmas morning because it's what we always do. Thank God we're not going anywhere this year. After last year's "Traveling Christmas Disaster" with Liz we all decided that home for her is better. That might be part of it: last year's Christmas was so tough that maybe I'm tensing for what might come THIS year. After Liz's meltdowns in both St. Louis and Guymon OK, Rach and I came down with the kick-your-butt-around-hell-and-back flu. I was in bed sure that death was imminent on New Year's Eve and didn't get really well for another month after that. Maybe that's it. Last Christmas was tough. Could we just skip it this year??? The kids say "NO". Sigh. *The Christmas Grinch* |
| It's amazing what we learn about ourselves. Recently an old high school friend and I have swapped e-mails on a regular basis. At first, like too many I encounter from years back, the posturing about a "great life" ensued and I sighed the sigh of the martyred. Am I alone in sharing the TRUTH and wanting the TRUTH from those I correspond with?? Let's face some cold, hard facts: Life in "Adultworld" is much, much more difficult than any of us imagined when we were young and had limitless energy  The world was at our fingertips and we were desperate to reach out and grasp it...problem was, none of us figured out until much, much later that wanting to grasp the world and actually doing it are two very different things. One takes a lot of dreaming and the other takes a lot of...doing. While we're all busy figuring it out, life sneaks up on us and before we know it...BAM! The world has slipped from our grasp and we're too darn tired to run after it!And the ones who DID grasp a piece of it here and there, doing what they wanted, even perhaps the WAY they wanted...not exactly the "prize" they thought it was. It's really tough to grab the world and hang on for too long, and once again pesky life rears its sneaky head before even they are aware. Boring days, months, and years just happen, and before we know it, the "dream" isn't such a dream anymore but reality, and everyone knows reality BITES! So who thinks they "pull the wool" over anyone else's eyes with sparkly conversation and bragging talk?! You don't. Everyone has some, er, poop fall into their lives and own it. There's some flowery stuff to go along with it, at least if you're totally honest about it all. No one has it all bad or all good, I don't care WHO you are. Sometimes our bad outweighs and sometimes the good, but in the end it's a balancing act that every single human being on this earth shares. And I like people who are REAL, don't you? I like my old friends to show me their scars and I'll show them mine, because I earned those suckers! I don't feel so icky about my own life when I know it's a human condition to never be satisfied with where we are in life. There's nothing wrong with that, you know. Without dreams...now THAT would be one boring, sad life.  |
| A little depressurizing, enough for offspring to remain alive... About a month ago I entered a contest sponsored by the local newspaper. Those who entered were to write a "viewpoint" column that would inspire discussion/debate about regional or local topics. At first I couldn't think of much, but then I remembered our Illinois Governor. If you don't live here or haven't heard, the guy's a tool (quoting current teenage/young adult culture). It pains me to admit it because I voted for him, but we can't be right ALL the time, can we?!? The following is what I wrote and submitted; having heard nothing back I'm asssuming I didn't win a monthly column in "viewpoint"...I'd say "bummer" but since then I've read some of the "viewpoint" columns and I've read sixth grade papers with more of EVERYTHING...seriously, it's not just sour grapes. Anywho, here's what I lost with: Majority Rules: The state of Illinois has a government very similar to the federal one, although its legislature, composed of a Senate and a House of Representatives, is called the General Assembly. Most states employ governments of this type, called a checks-and-balances system. The system isn’t a mystery to anyone who listened even a little in their high school government class. I think I actually learned about it in grade school, with a refresher course every year in some class or other. That’s why I have goggled at the antics displayed by Illinois’ chief executive office holder, Rod Blagojevich: didn’t he listen in school? I think electing public officials gets harder every year. Most candidates do their best to spout the rhetoric they think we voters want to hear; seldom does the public see a true picture of exactly who these people are and what they stand for. It’s for that reason I believe so many Americans go the simpler route of choosing to belong to one of our two major political parties, thus opting to vote for a party over a singular individual. After all, if we belong to the political party which stands for most of our opinions, the chances are better that we’ll elect someone who will make decisions we approve of. And for those times when our party’s political candidate doesn’t win the coveted election, there’s always that good old checks-and-balances system to keep a Governor, Senator, Congressman, or Judge in check. Hence the name. Someone didn’t get that message to Governor Blagojevich. Blagojevich entered into the governorship with an agenda. Most do. He had some radical ideas for changing the face of healthcare, education, and various other state-funded programs. It seems to me that when he didn’t get his way on proposed legislation, he threw temper tantrums, called fellow state politicians all sorts of nasty names, and generally became “the bully of the playground” during legislative sessions. Unfortunately, this bully was also in a position of authority, and he abused his authority with increasing regularity. It was shocking to read and watch, I’m sure it was more shocking to witness. The Governor seemed to forget that he’s part of a network set up to be FOR the people, not FOR the Governor or any other singular individual. Regardless of party affiliation or beliefs in some proposed legislation, majority needs to speak and compromises must be made in a state with two major political parties and lots of differing ideas. That’s how everyone gets some of what they like and some of what they don’t. The Governor, with his temper fits and irresponsible antics, has cost our Quad City area dearly in lost funding for important programs, most notably in our public schools. He’s pouting while the state suffers, and no matter what political party affiliation you have, it’s embarrassing from a national perspective and infuriating from a local one. When an elected official isn’t doing his job to the satisfaction of the people he’s sworn to represent (a Rassumssen Reports poll from October showed just a 5 percent approval rating for Blagojevich), it should be the right of the people to fire him. It’s never easy to be an elected official who has to make tough decisions that won’t be popular with everyone, or even a majority occasionally, but when a state Governor seems hell-bent on dictating his supreme will upon the legislature and the masses, it’s time for him to collect unemployment. And a reality check. |
| Yuletide merriment. Liz is acting up bigtime, I am bombarded by a constant headache, no one in my house feels even partially compelled to "just get along," and I may soon run away from home. My dream is to find a deep, dark, cavernous cave in which no one can find me and I am finally blessedly alone and at peace. The perfect vacation *misty eyes* I'm serious. All I want is some aloneness, is that too much to ask?! One WHOLE day when no one screeches "mooom" and I'm not subjected to continuous bickering over absolutely NOTHING! One whole day where I'm not endlessly pursued and inundated with Christmas wishes and whiny renditions of "what she did to me"; one whole day of silence and solitude. I really need one before my pressure cooker explodes and the mess goes everywhere. I love my kids, I love my pets, and I want the best for them yada yada. But dare I admit it?!? Sometimes being a mom just SUCKS. Like on days when all I want is peace and solitude. Yes it's true no matter what "the books" tell you about how fulfilling it is and how we're all supposed to be thrilled about our families and constantly thankful for our "blessings"...and yes, they are blessings I know...sometimes backhanded blessings. Does anyone know if they still sell calgon?!? |
| Jennifer Love Hewitt has a woman's body. Not a girl's, not a skeleton's, but a WOMAN'S... What's with the hypocrisy?! On one hand magazines and celebrity news venues LOVE to "show" that they advocate a changing opinion about women's body images...on the other side of their nasty little mouths, they fund mags like the one which slammed Jen for being-GASP-curvy and womanly  ...and not airbrushed because you could see-dare I say it-FLAWS!!!One day last week I watched a ballet from the 1950s. The ballerinas were solid; beside today's dancers and showbiz girls, they looked thick...but they weren't. They were muscular and well-fed, something we don't see on the screen these days--any screen. They didn't skip meals or throw up one they didn't. They ate like normal human beings and then danced and danced and danced. They were healthy and beautiful, true examples of real women who looked the part. Is it just ME or do most females on the airwaves today look like they could use a good meal? I love how they call Queen Latifah "plus size" and "overweight"...in the REAL world she's NOT!!! Where and when did we get to this place where women are only considered worthy of television or movie time if they look like they're on the verge of starvation? Do men REALLY find this sort of body attractive??? And even if they did, why do we of the female gender care?!? When did it become more about being a size zero than living with health and contentment...being comfortable in our own skin and OKAY with who we are--fat, cellulite, and curves. We are women. We bear the responsibility of carrying tomorrow's generation. To do that we have extra fat stores and soft bodies with curves where we need them...extra weight at our hips for pregnancy AND carrying young ones, extra fat on our chests so we'll produce milk from something a baby can latch onto, cushion at our thighs so we can lug whatever we need to for the betterment of our families. We are the ones who bear the brunt of creation, wouldn't it stand to reason that we need some extra padding? So why is it suddenly "wrong" to be what God created us to be?!?  I have too much weight caused by too much processed, fatty, unfortunately yummy food-bummer-and now I'm working hard to get it off because I want more energy and I want my joints to expreience some relief . I never have equated my self worth with my weight for some reason. I am fine with who I am, but I want less weight because I want better HEALTH...that said, I NEVER EVER want to be a skeleton! I want to be a healthy woman who's had three kids and expfrienced life in her forties. Embrace your woman's body. Not a girl's body or a skeleton's body, but a woman's body. Wear it with pride because we ROCK...without us and our "fat" those nasty gossip columnists wouldn't exist  |
| Dealing with a bipolar, depressed, or otherwise mentally ill teenager is so far from what we, as parents, expect or hope for. Most of us think that after 17, 18, 19 years spent parenting, we'll finally be off the hook and free from the constraints of monitoring, lecturing, disciplining, watching, feeding, clothing...we never think, in a million years, that we'll be more trapped than ever in some ways. Young teenagers are self-centered. It's a given and no surprise when puberty rears its ugly head. They become rude, sarcastic, and those eyerolls! Still we parents must berate the behavior and wait for the blessed end of that first pubescent surge which tangles the emotions of our once-sweet little angels, which seems to coat their young tongues with a bitter edge. Usually we are relieved to experience burgeoning independence, less "mouthiness", more kindness towards others as the young morph into older adolescents. But some never seem to reach the next plataeu. Their "common sense" never kicks in, their sense of "right and wrong" never emerges, their narcisissm never dissipates--they're stuck in perpetual pubescence. And it's HELL to live with. I've frequently "lost it" with Liz over the last few months. I'm not proud of it, but I also give myself sort of a break; I've been dealing with Liz's disrespect and seeming disregard for anyone else in the family-not to mention worry when she downcycles and sleeps too much or goes manic and runs out "with friends"-since she was twelve, and even before that she was "a challenging child." When she was two she had six temper tantrums a day, sometimes for no reason that I could discern. At almost twenty she still has temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way, or sometimes for no reason at all. Living with her is a 24-hr-a-day exercize in patience, and I was NEVER known for patience...in fact just the opposite. I have to give her the same lectures for the same things I did when she was thirteen--I even have to give her the same lectures I gave her when she was five, for God's sake! "We have to remember to share," "You can't scream just because you can't have what you want this minute," "We have rights too, Liz, and you can't just roll rover them." "No Liz, everybody gets one," and on and on and on. It's enough to make my previous thick head of hair become thinner than a Hollywood starlet. Have I been tempted to kick her out? You BET!!! Every other day one of her sisters asks me to kick her out  . She's that hard to live with. But I don't. We won't. It's a thin line I walk...how much do I hold her accountable for when a mood disorder stunts emotional growth? In some ways she can't help how she is and what she does, but in some ways she CAN. Where is that pesky line!?!?!?! We beleagured family members wrestle with it often. Yup, life is not easy in our house, and too often the neighbors hear screaming and ranting coming from me AND her--oops  --but to kick her out with no place to go? That would be like kicking out a puppy--or a thirteen year old. So I DO understand what living with a troubled teen is like. You have NO idea. And no, I don't let her get away with much. I stand nose-to-nose with her because she needs to learn how to act, how to BE. Until I can find some outside help *an hourly prayer on my part* I'm the one who has to teach her. Over and over and over and over. I don't entirely blame parents who "throw out" troubled offspring; they think they're doing the "right thing," forcing a young adult to stand on his/her own two feet, right?! TOUGH LOVE is a big seller, because sometimes it works. But not with mentally ill teens it doesn't. They have no life skills to fall back on. Cognitively they are not the age they seem to be. When parents, family members, friends, and caregivers do not "see" the mental illness or deny its existance, or simply don't understand the fact that these young people will mature much more slowly than their peers, there is damage, sometimes irrepairable. I guess I'm lucky because I have an actual thirteen year old in my house, and weird as it seems, Liz is closer to her emotionally speaking than to her eighteen-yr-old sister. So I figure that what I can expect from Sarah, the youngest, I can expect from Liz. No more, but no less. It is sometimes so hard that I fantasize about a house withut Liz. Then she'll have a good day-one where she acts closer to her age, is reasonable, witty, and fun. I remember why I don't just love her, I see the potential to LIKE her. I look forward to the day she becomes stable and I can feel friendly towards her every day. I grit my teeth to the nubs and try to find some release somewhere on her bad days. What brought all this to my mind? Omaha. A girl who graduated from Moline several years ago lost her life at that mall. She was a cheerleader and I remember watching her when Liz, as a freshman, marched in the band. I watched some interviews of friends/family who knew the killer intimately, and they knew. They didn't acknowledge his problems or understand the extent of them, but they knew he had them. Don't leave a troubled young person to his/her own devices. They don't have any. Don't expect an obviously mood disordered teenager to make rational decisions or base choices on reality. Like I've mentioned and I always remind Liz, they have a "funhouse mirror" image of reality. That boy couldn't see a better day tomorrow because a mood disordered young person has no concept of future; what life is like RIGHT NOW is what it will ALWAYS be like FOREVER. In his addled mind, he had nothing to lose and at least some recognition to gain. He wouldn't die alone like he felt he lived. Another symptom of mood disorder--they feel isolated to the point of physical pain. These teens don't know how to reach out, don't know how to ask for help when they're in the throes of the disease. They only know the extreme, unbearable emotional pain of the moment. To them, that's all that is real. We need to be more observant as a society. If someone you know just doesn't seem "right," he's probably NOT. Don't remain silent. Reach out and get help for the person. If family members just can't handle it anymore, there are places that will help. Here in Moline we have "Transitions," a facility designed to house homeless mentally ill people. They are taken to doctors, receive counseling, and are given job training and even jobs through this program. There IS help for those who need it. (Yes, I have taken Liz there but ironically, because she's insured, she doesn't qualify for enough of the services) Even calling authorities or a hospital is better than letting these helpless, dangerous individuals flounder and fall. Listen to your instincts and act on them. Always. |
| Okay, who has experienced crummy weather? *show of hands* Yeah, me too!! About 5000 people around here lost power thanks to a lovely ice storm! It wasn't so bad because the temperatures at night didn't fall below freezing...coulda been worse  I love winter. Am I alone in this? I would never move South because I adore snow, love icy, biting temperatures...but ice storms?? Not so much. The landscape was pretty... I need to get a digital camera because the area around my living quarters was so gorgeous AFTER that storm...and the crunch of leaves from a long-running fall sort of tickled my funny bone, I'm weird that way It took us an hour to unfreeze the red SUV (christianed "Sebastian" for anyone who wants to know and has kids as "strange" and "creative" as mine) and even trek to the store for essentials on Saturday afternoon. On Sunday the weather was depressingly rainy and the beauty of Saturday's ice storm was washed away. Oh my KINGDOM for a digital camera!!! Perhaps I'll get one in my Christmas stocking...considering as I whined constantly to anyone who stopped long enough to listen  WINTER is my FAVORITE SEASON...sorry to those who hate it *impish elf on my shoulder* |
| I'm okay with some parts of my life. My kids are great--Liz needs better psychiatric care no question, but considering her challenges and issues, the disease she deals with and the fact that she has yet to remain stable for an extended period of time, things aren't so bad even with HER. She doesn't run completely wild--she's had her "moments" thanks to bipolar mania, but she fights it admirably and has for a couple of years now. I know how hard it is even if she doesn't THINK I know... I'm okay with myself. I like me. I think if I met me on the street I'd strike up a conversation with myself and enjoy it. I like my friends! No...I LOVE my friends!!! They keep me sane in an insane world and help me work through any and all situations, issues, and angst that goes rolling through my world; I sincerely hope I return the favor.I LOVE WDC and the time I spend on this site. I believe it grows me as a writer and makes me so much wealthier in the "friends" department (I believe I gushed on this level last week) To name a few more who make time here so sweet: zwisis, Kåre Enga in Montana  , David McClain , Robert Waltz  , emmyloo I could go on but you get the gist...COOL place to be!So where do I lack satisfaction? Career. The career thing. I want to make money doing something I love. Is that a pipe dream? Some would say it is. I love teaching but I'm 42 years old, kind of "long in the tooth" to be starting a career based on that, right? I looove writing, but it's sooo hard and takes sooo long to make the contacts and create any sort of base towards even minute publication...is it worth the time, effort, and heartache involved? I engaged in a conversation with my friend Tom-yeah, him again not too long ago and gave HIM advice about "following your bliss" like Oprah preaches. I told him it must work, it certainly did for her..."follow your passion and the money will follow," she says. She did it. She's devoted entire shows to the concept where several guests did it. So if THEY can do it...can I? Can we? What's stopping the rest of us from being SATISFIED with what we do for a living?! I'm going to adhere, from this moment on, to George Costanza's advice. That's right, the guy from Seinfeld. I'm going to do the opposite of what I've done before. Whatever I've been cautious about, forget it. Caution to the wind. Wherever I've hesitated, no more. No more "negative self talk," no more "defeatist talk," no more "safe way out." I want a different reality than the one I have right now. That means I have to do the work it takes to get it. That means I have to stop "overthinking" everything and just DO IT!!!! Maybe I should think on it some more...! |
| I will be redundant because I've mentioned this before--classics are such for a reason. I read The Great Gatsby with Rachael tonight, finishing a two-week read she and I engaged in for the sake of her class, "Storytellers' Art." I've read this before-twice in fact-and yet still the genius of F. Scott Fitzgerald blows me away. He's not the easiest author to read, even silently, and to break up the solitude of Rachael's external studies, I promised her this "team read" aloud so she'd get some sort of feedback, conversation, interaction. The wording of this text can be convoluted. Fitzgerald uses long syllabic words I've never heard outside the context of his writing, and often my tongue gets embarrassingly tied as I stumble through this literary masterpiece...but to ingest its meaning and ponder its timelessness, it's worth it. As we muddled through Nick Carroway's summer in West Egg, Long Island, I couldn't help likening his experience with today's "Hollywood glamor." The endless rounds of parties and free-flowing booze coupled with god-knows-what recreational drugs, the self-importance of the rich who know nothing of our "real world" because they're too busy feigning boredom and covering their REAL boredom and discontent with synthetic mind benders...the extreme vapidness of it all and the ultimate callousness of the way these "desirables" treat fellow humans, as if they're expendable and not really so important except to, perhaps, momentarily relieve that pervading, omnipresent apathy. Yet to inform them that "the good life" is obviously not making them happy would be to engender a perplexed look, a "what are you talking about? Of COURSE I'm happy!" Uh huh. That's why, in Fitzgerald's time, so many soothed their disconnect with drink...oh, and today, too. It's been said but still we can't seem to believe it, to take it in, digest it, DEAL with it...money does not equal happiness. That's the mark of a CLASSIC, you know. As you read and when you finish, whether it was written in '22 or '89 or '04, you can sit back and think of two, five, ten, hundreds of people and situations that parallel what you've just read. You can reach out and "touch" the characters because you just saw or heard about them yesterday. That's a CLASSIC. And that's what keeps me writing. I'm not implying I could ever produce something so timeless and provocative as any classic that endures as the greatest examples of literature that speaks to us as a species and documents our "human condition," but I want to try. I want to leave a trail of stories that speaks to a generation I'll never know, that will have someone shaking his head someday and saying, "wow, I hope I can write like that someday." Hey, a writer can dream! |
| How do other countries do it? Does everyone know the story of how thanksgiving actually got started? I know it was during Lincoln's reign. A woman whose name escapes me wrote Lincoln repeatedly to inform him that the United States needed a holiday to celebrate family togetherness, patriotism, and prosperousness. She kept telling him it would fuse the country together the way he envisioned...she pandered to his ego Eventually, of course, it worked. He signed Thanksgiving into law. So today I and my posse of helpers God bless them (first year they've all helped without weapons to their heads, ha ha) created a repast of sumptuous goodness: turkey, stuffing (or dressing depending on your region of the country), mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, corn-on-the-cob, biscuits, deviled eggs (the traditional MUST in our house), and pumpkin pie OF COURSE *burp* American gluttony at its finest. Their dad came by and I welcomed him. I mentioned being thankful he's alive (heart attack and all that) and he acted surprised. "Twenty plus years and you don't know me at all," I had to say. My thoughts continued when my friend Thomas-you might know him-and I talked later. When do you "know" someone? When you can finish their sentences? When you know what they mean with their garbled commentary? When they can keep silent and STILL you understand vibes across airwaves?? After so many years of feeling misunderstood, like a square peg in a round hole, like a misfit in the life I dropped into... It's nice to be here. To find people like Scarlett  , Nada , Thomas , and sooo many others of you who "get" it. Who get ME. That's what I'm thankful for. THANK YOU The StoryMaster  and The StoryMistress  for making my life richer, fuller, and ultimately better. Not to mention the whole writing thing. |
Yesterday I had a dr.'s appointment at 10am. This is not an early appointment...unless one is by nature a night person who has "issues" getting started in the morning. I was up at 6:30 to perform mundane tasks and was quite proud of myself for industriousness so early in the day! I changed the cat litter  , cleaned my stove, fed my kid breakfast and shoved her out the door for school, actually started a load of laundry--and all before 9am! This was a red-letter day for me, heh heh. But then, sigh, I sat on the couch and, um, nodded off for about twenty minutes. What proceeded probably looked like one of those slapstick comedy routines. I ran around like an idiot, throwing on clothes, looking frantically for keys, and I didn't even have time to shave my legs--I was going to get my knees looked at, you know. I would have to look like a bumpkin, dang it.It got stupider. I went to the wrong office. I mean really, what dr. needs TWO offices in the same darn town?? Apparantely THIS one! Crap. It was already after 10 and I slumped on the receptionist's desk. Then a spark of sunlight. She smiled at me. "It's okay," she said. "I'll call over there and you can still be seen." My head came up and there was a glimmer of hope in my world again. I trekked out to my SUV and drove to the correct office. The receptionist there gave me a million forms to fill out which made me remember the filled out forms I had sitting on my kitchen table. Sigh again. I filled them all out-AGAIN-and sat. When my name was called I stood and turned...and knocked over a display of brochures...all over the floor. The holder went cascading to the other side of the room and all was still when heads turned to gaze upon the scarlett countenance of the doofus responsible for such chaos. Heh heh. I bent down to set things right as the nurse-type person stood in the doorway expectantly. And then another ray broke through the craziness. An elderly man-in a orthapedist's office no less, stood and laboriously made his way over to me, bending stiffly to help me pick up the brochures. He smiled at me and waved a veined hand saying, "you go on, I'll take care of this." He meant it, continuing to wave at me until I stood uncertainly and said, "why thank you, that's so sweet of you!" One other young woman was shamed into getting up to help as I guiltily made my way to the back. But that ray of sunshine provided by a stiff, slow moving elderly man...it lit up my face. There's nothing like getting a little help from a fellow human being to make you feel pretty good. So I had a positive dr visit with a nice, effiecient staff and the relief of cortizone shots...AH! Then I treated myself to the all-important vanilla latte, and later I spent alot of time chatting it up with my friend Thomas , an individual who gets my brain working and my soul smiling. And it happened because of a patient, caring receptionist and an elderly man willing to do something a little extra with what little he has to spare. It was an amazing day. I thought of something else last night, too, as I was dozing off. When people in your life make you crazy and you feel like life isn't worth so much, go outside. It's the trees, the flowers, rushing water, squabbling squirrels, endless blue or black or even gray sky that make life worth living after all. I see trees of green, red roses too I see them bloom for me and you And I think to myself what a wonderful world. I see skies of blue and clouds of white The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night And I think to myself what a wonderful world. The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky Are also on the faces of people going by I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do They're really saying I love you. I hear babies crying, I watch them grow They'll learn much more than I'll never know And I think to myself what a wonderful world Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world. |
| I commented not too long ago in our friend zwisis's blog about the senseless killing of a rhino in Zimbabwe and my thoughts began to flow...I became concerned that my comment didn't quite tell the story I wanted it to, so viola! A new blog entry was born. My comment mentioned that there are fundemental differences in the value Western civilization places on life of any kind, there just are. I'm not saying those differences are acceptable, but they do exist. We consider life to be something that requires an element of respect. Any living creature, according to popular thought, deserves an element of consideration before making a decision to snuff the life out of it. That's what we want to think, anyway. I come from the Southwest, a place where cattle are a commodity, period. When I dated a cowboy who worked in a feedlot I was appalled at what I learned about how they treat those cattle. For a long time, looking at steak or hamburger made me nauseaus. Then I got over it. I was still unhappy and uncomfortable with those feedyards I'd passed by all my life, but I figured I was powerless to stop the mistreatment. What could I do? When my concience got the better of me I actually did write an article that I sent to the local newspaper. Using animals as a foodsource and a commodity doesn't mean we have to be impervious to the fact that these are living, breathing creatures who deserve to live and die with dignity. I stopped eating veal because of the way it's created and wrote another article about that. Neither article ever saw the grainy side of my hometown's local newspaper. Too controversial, I suspect. Where am I going with this? East or West in our world, it's easy to become hardened about the sanctity of life. It's easy to rationalize the way we "do things" as opposed to the way other countries in other parts of the world do it. In many parts of the world cows are considered a sacred species who are free to roam around at will; never are those animals destined to see the inside of a slaughterhouse. In the end, I think I'm more confused and definately squirming at what could be a troubling hyprocisy in my thinking. Oh, well. From discomfort comes learning. And perhaps another blog entry. |
| Very interesting 20/20 show tonight, about "winners"...I liked Drew Carey's take on it. He said he didn't like the name for the show he was being interviewed for. He said that it makes no sense to compare oneself to another person's success or failure, that we all basically write our own life story and it shouldn't have anything to do with anyone else...agreed. Then the interviewer asked him whether people in the world weren't considered losers if-say-their wife had left, their dog died, they lost their job...aren't they losers, he asked? With a very serious face Drew replied, "no. They're people going through some tough times. The key is how you DEAL with those tough times." Bravo! I give this sort of advice to my kids constantly. It's not stumbling along life's path, I say, that is the problem. How you DEAL with stumbling could be a problem if you don't figure out that-shoot-stumbling is what life is FULL of!! How you pick yourself up AFTER the fall, now THAT'S what matters. I might have shared this story before, I can't remember. I love that one show from "Sex in the City" where Carrie stumbles on the catwalk of a fashion show. She's lying on the floor while the music thumps its bass beat and strobe lights keep on dancin'...and there she is in all her "fashion road kill" glory, as her friend Stanford gasps. But finally she picks herself up, straightens the barely-there outfit they made her wear, and holds her head up high and smiling to finish her astounding trip down the runway. It's a great lesson, one I even pointed out to my middle daughter: It's not about what life throws at you, because everyone has hurdles and trenches thrown their way as we plod along on this earth. It's how you handle the obstacle course of life, how you pick yourself up after a fall, that matters the most. Now who's gonna preach this to me when I forget?!? |
| Have you ever felt trapped? Trapped like a rat with no way out?? I don't remember where I heard that phrase, but it applies. I love my kids. I'm committed to being the parent they need, being the person I have to be in the situation I find myself. But sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like to not care, to take off without regard to others and think only of my own well-being...like so many others I know. What would it be like? To consider only my own comfort, my own needs, my own wants? I wouldn't know, but it's a provocative thought, to consider myself only...something I'll never do. So is even the fantasy of it selfish? I don't know. But like a Siren's song, I lay in the dark and my mind twists and turns with dreams of my own. It is in the dark of night that I'm able to give into the depths of my heart and soul, to become completely my own person, free to pursue my own wants and the depths of my soul speak volumes about who and what I want for my life all on my own... Time to write, time to spend with people who feed my soul, time to be who and what I want to be, time that is all mine. What is it "they" say about "the other side of the fence?" I look at people without encumberances and I envy them their freedom, their ability to think only of their own wants and needs. But is it really that simple for anyone? Probably not. It is in our dreams that we consider the ideal--which doesn't really exist in this world. It is in my dreams that I most often tap into so much of what lands in the stories I'm so compelled to write, to bring into some form of existance these twisting, colorful images that won't be expunged with the first rays of sunshine... That's why I write. Because sometimes the "what ifs" overtake my entire persona, and only when I am able to tell the "what ifs" that crowd my psyche am I able to heave that sigh of exhaustion mixed with contentment, the sigh that comes with knowing I've released at least a small piece of what begs to be released into the world...and who. What visits me when I'm in the dark--sometimes it must be expelled. Sometimes it's only mine. Only mine. Honorable Mentions for my Romance Contest:
Stories which succeeded in taking me beyond my dreams and into another time and place...the best kind of story. PS: After reading Voxxylady 's blog entry, I clicked into the link she provided with this result--You represent a difficult battle, and a well-deserved victory. You tend to struggle to get what you want, both internally and externally. You excel at controlling opposing forces, getting down the same path. In the end, you bring glory and success - using pure will to move forward. Your fortune: There is great conflict in your life right now, either with yourself or others. You must find a solution to this conflict, which is likely to be a "middle road" between the two forces. You posses the skills to triumph over these struggles, as long as your will is strong. You are transforming your inner self, building a better foundation for future successes. Logic and, in my opinion, what The Higher Power knows we need to hear takes many forms |
| Yes, I have finally completed the judging for the "Show Me Your Romance" contest I started-um, too long ago to mention, which was ended September 15th *whistling up to the sky* Stuff happened to impede with the judging of the contest-most especially the demise of my traitorous laptop-but STILL! Ah well, it is done with reviews sent to every single entrant, which is what slowed the process. If I ever undertake another contest, I might have to modify that "rule" I created for myself--it gets very time consuming and delays results, sigh-of-regret. Anywho, for now I will post the winners, and with another entry will follow the honorable mentions: First:
Second:
Third:
Is there anything better than someone writing to say "you made my day?" |
| Chaos. He had nowhere else to go. His friend who owned the house he was staying in moved. He is on medical leave. I have his kds. Damn Against every sensible valve in my system, I caved. My almost-ex has not been good to his children this past year, venturing into this territory only when he has to, and it had nothing to do with THEM...they were an afterthought for an hour or two every couple of weeks, if that. I just can't comprehend a person who doesn't put his kids somewhere on his priority list, but that's the entire David clan. I think they procreate to prove they CAN He thinks he was fooled when he married me, thought he was getting some "homebody/housewife/domestic" type just because I was pregnant at the time, clueless, and nice. He never knew me, as they say. In the same vein, I never knew HIM. He's incredibly self involved and considers his own needs above all else. Had I known THAT...well, thank goodness I didn't because I have amazing people that are half his. Now I have to put up with this during two weeks; his heart is weak so I have to bite my tongue clean off while we care for a person who certainly didn't care for his offspring when HE wasn't getting anything. I've tried to re-train him for years and realized the futility of it, but maybe this heart attack...no dice. If anything, he's more angry, more stubborn, more beligerent, more completely clueless. You GET what you GIVE. In his case, he's always recieved WAAAY more, especially since he married me Once a marriage counseler, about three years ago, told him that I was an empty vessel because I gave for so many years without recieving anything in return. Instead of understanding his part, he sulked and played video games; I felt like a doofus for being suckered into marrying someone who turned me into a white slave  Then I remembered Dr. Phil's words: "We teach people how to treat us." So no MORE!!!One separation/pending divorce later, he collapses after screwing up his life to the point of no return. Twenty years of knowing him, having his kids, watching him neglect them after he SO doesn't get what he does... Sometimes being a Christian is really tough. No...LIVING it is REALLY tough, but that's who I am. To this day he doesn't get that and never will, but ya know what? He's the father of my kids and the way I react teaches THEM. Damn I'm good. |
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