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 |  Mulling, culling, and musing the confusing... in Blog format. |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I stand in awe of life's predisposition for imploding, swiftly morphing into a churning, perilous vortex that mankind is hard-pressed to navigate, let alone survive. Maintaining a foothold and emerging from the gales unscathed seems wholly contingent upon survivors' personal philosophies, capacity for tolerance, and coping skills. Without these, the vortex becomes the portal to a toxic black void, and man stands naked in the spiralling eddy, awaiting the final flush.** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Monsters Evil incarnate to their kind gives rise, their nourishment found in blood-curdling fear; horror-swept dreamscapes they stalk in disguise, unleashing terror, they draw ever near. Defiled wombs in hell to their kind give birth to seek symbiosis with souls in need; in lost and rejected spirits on earth ~ on their very marrow, such monsters feed. Iced are their fingers and vacant, their stare, black are their hearts, sustained by putrid breath; sucking the lifeblood imperilled souls share to spew forth their spawn of hatred and death. But they may not linger where Faith abides... for Hope's children fear not their raging tides. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The mission of this journal is to examine life issues that precipitate the storms and seek out the balms that soothe the wounds they inflict. It is my fervent hope that philosophically autopsying life issue outcomes will provide comfort in the midst of chaos and a keenly longed-for measure of inner peace. Bear in mind, dear Reader, that the thoughts to follow are only musings and by no means assertions of right or wrong. They are but a reflection of one soul's yearning to ascend from the roots of life to its flowering branches and taste of the fruits found therein. How, if at all, savory their flavors are deemed to be and whether or not they become a staple in one's spiritual diet is left to each reader's own palate. The journey thus begins...
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| I read with great sadness earlier today the Blog entry of a fellow WDC family member... it spoke of a good friend of the writer's young daughter having committed suicide. And why did she resort to this irreversible, bleakest of options? Over a break-up with a man, for God sake. Thoughts of suicide, though usually only in passing and not at all seriously entertained, cross nearly everyone's mind at some time or another. Many pronounce it an act of courage - others, an act of cowardice. Except, perhaps, in instances of terminal illness or injury and "dying with dignity", end-of-life-type circumstances, some regard suicide as a "cop out" - and, to take it to the extreme, even a deadly sin or crime against our Creator. Others view it as a drastic avenue of escape from psychological pain. Speaking for the "shades of grey" folks with whom I stand on the topic, I'd have to say that I regard the act, exclusive of the "dying with dignity" situations, as reflective of elements on both ends of the spectrum. But the taking of one's own life is often also an act of incredible thoughtlessness... one born of such epitomical, tunnel-visioned focus upon oneself and only oneself as to wholly exclude contemplation of what its lifelong, devastating impact is certain to be upon others. Like the pebble tossed into still waters, the ripples of suicide issue forth in abundance and travel far and wide. Those ripples are destined to touch many - often, including the lives of people the suicidal individual never knew. Now we are seeing even pre-teens, teens, and young adults resort to suicide in alarmingly increasing numbers in addition to an already disturbingly high suicide rate among adults and seniors. I have known despair, fear, utter hopelessness, and the keenest physical and psychological kinds of pain, and I don't embrace the concept that committing suicide sentences the soul to hell and damnation. But I do believe that to seek escape by taking my own life would constitute a slap in the face of the God I believe in, and by whose Hand my existence was given to me. When an individual takes his or her own life, the bottom line is that for a variety of reasons, they've opted for escape - and a final assertion of complete domination and control over at least one thing... their own mortality. In the line of several of my careers, I've become involved in many instances of attempted and/or "successful" suicides - and a reluctant, saddened witness to the aftermaths they wrought. The victims have not "punished" only themselves - they've punished their survivors in the most brutal of ways. From family members and friends to acquaintances, emergency responders, and caregivers...and sometimes, complete strangers - these are the people who bear the brunt of what quintessentially numbers among the most selfish acts of all. Regardless of the reasons prompting the act, none are sufficient to justify the monumental pain, sorrow, and suffering suicide leaves in its terrible wake. When you seek to kill yourself, so too, are you risking killing a part of each of us you leave behind. Even when everything is black and terrible and life, it seems, could absolutely get no worse... that is when it is most crucial to hang on. When no one appears to see or care... it is only that they do not know. Somewhere, someone always will... and it's never too late, nor unworthy of the effort, to seek them out and count on them. We are all in this together...and when one among dies by our own hand, a part of all of us goes with them to the grave. |
| As the first woman to join my city's police force, the path of my career in law enforcement was fraught with many shin-bruising obstacles all along the way. The majority of law enforcement officials at that time adamantly contended that there was no place for women in uniformed policing; that women would only get their fellow male officers hurt or killed coming to the females' "defense", never considering what would eventually prove to be fact as opposed to fallacy regarding women in policing. (Oddly enough, the only two times I was seriously injured in the line of duty was secondary backing up and/or to protecting fellow male officers). Once women managed to break through the blue lines and join the team, lo and behold... turns out we compensated quite handily for our overall "lesser strength" than our male counterparts by substituting brains for brawn. Our performance evaluations, measured in terms of felony arrest/conviction rates, problem-solving capabilities, citizen satisfaction, etc., steadfastly equaled - and often surpassed - those of the fellers. But I was a 'pioneer' on this front at that time - and only 5-foot, 2 and a half inches tall and 106 pounds soaking wet. My city's Chief of Police had publicly stated that the day his Department hired a female cop would be the day he retired. He proved himself a man of his word... he retired from the Force days before I disproved his declaration that I'd never survive the ultra-tough, military boot-camp style Ohio State Patrol Academy. I hate a sore loser...  .But then, I digress... Columbus, Ohio. State Patrol Graduation of 33 Police Cadets who'd just gutted out eight grueling weeks of 24-hour, live-in, boot-camp-style demoralization, military marching, drills, and physical fitness training, firearms proficiency training, and, of course, rigorous education regarding federal, state, and municipal criminal laws and the regulations governing the enforcement of same. Three women, each a brand new hire from one of three different, widely separated Departments and jurisdictions, had embarked upon the often brutal training program, and three women completed it - despite explicit "good old boy" instructions being surreptitiously issued by at least one of their Chiefs of Police (mine -  ) to "wash us out", rendering us ineligible to serve. Believe me, the State Patrol Academy Powers That Be felt just as strongly as our Chiefs did that we women "washing out" was a forgone conclusion. In fact, several male cadets had failed and/or dropped out of nearly every single Class in the Academy's history. We three women proved them wrong, and we did so without being accorded any preferential treatment whatsoever. Actually, a couple of my old OSP instructors later confided that they did their best to make life even tougher for us, believing that it was "best for us" not to face the risk of trying to serve as female uniformed patrol officers. Thanks, fellas... .So there we sat, a class of hardworking, extremely dedicated, brand-spanking new, Class A-uniformed police officers, our proud friends and relatives in the audience, awaiting the obligatory speeches, formal swearing-in, and joyous round of hat-tossing. I will never forget the "Honored" Guest Speaker that day. He was the Police Chief of a sizable city in my State, and two of my male classmates were about to be sworn in as officers on his Department. This buffoon, while delivering his address, looked pointedly at each of we three female officers, and proceeded to state in front of God and everybody how glad he was that none of us were joining his Department, because he didn't envy our Chiefs' certain to come, sad task of having to inform our loved ones that we'd been maimed or killed in the line of duty. Women, he said, "deserve respect"... but had absolutely no place in uniformed police work, where they would put both the public and fellow officers at risk by virtue of their gender. I'm a person who VERY rarely blushes, but when I do, I flush a deep and abiding crimson hue that radiates from my entire face to my throat and neck, to even my ears. My mother's escort to the Graduation ceremony later recalled that, even at his considerable distance from me while seated in the audience, he could clearly see my fiery red pigmentation contrasting with my blond hair and dark blue police hat. But the blush was not the product of ire... personally getting angry was an indulgence I dared not imbibe in, given the circumstances at hand. I was far more concerned about the likelihood that my Mother, having witnessed all the discriminatory verbiage and low-balling targeted at me just in the process of getting hired, let alone making it through training, going Defcon 5 in the audience. I feared a distinct possibilty existed that my first official act as a peace officer might very well be prying Mama's white-knuckled chokehold loose from the throat of the dress uniformed bung-hole presently standing at the podium. Thankfully, though absolutely livid, Mother for the most part, retained her composure. I distinctly heard her muffled protestation in the background, but the Guest Speaker remained blissfully ignorant of just how close he'd come to having my Mother polish the gymnasium floor with his face... To this day, Mama still fumes whenever the topic arises... and to this day, she still gets angrier still about that idiot's haughty and insulting commentary than I ever have. Oh, yes... it pissed me off; that I grant you. But my Mother took it even more personally, I think, than I did. And when the topic does arise, I endeavor to soothe her ruffled feathers by saying, "don't worry about it, Mama - what goes around comes around"... The Canton Police Department has for decades served as "home turf" for for several "bad seed" police officers whose conduct/deeds have been "inappropriate" - and often made local, state, and/or national news. Canton has been sarcastically referred to as a "little Youngstown", Youngstown being a formerly Mafia-infested Ohio metropolis once riddled with corruption and graft. Just yesterday, former Canton Police Officer Bobby Cutts, despite his feigned histrionics on the witness stand, was convicted of kidnapping and murdering his extra-marital girlfriend and their 8-plus month old unborn daughter, as well as abusing the expectant mother's corpse by dousing her with chlorine, wrapping her in an area rug, and dumping her in a distant woods. Cutts, a Canton Police officer at the time the crimes occurred, was also convicted of endangering his own diaper-clad, toddler son by leaving him locked up and alone in the apartment where his mother had just been murdered, with no nourishment or adult care - and the still open bottle of chlorine bleach on the bed within the toddler's reach - for nearly 48 hours, until his panicky maternal grandmother forced entry and thankfully found him alive. Cutts then proceeded to swear to authorities, the press, and the expectant young mother's frantic friends and family that he had absolutely no idea where she could possibly be... for nine excruciating days. It subsequently came out that this was far from Cutts' first brush with both the law and fathering children outside of his longstanding marriage. His history had been "colorful", indeed, both in terms of his conduct in the line of duty and in his personal life... so "colorful", in fact, that many question why he was still on the Police Force when this latest horror occurred. That question has never been difficult for me to answer. Pardon the dangled preposition, but guess what Police Department our State Patrol Academy Graduation Guest Speaker was Chief of...? He may be gone, but vestiges of his mindset remain alive and well, passed down through the years and still inextricably, albeit now far more covertly, woven throughout the cut of that Department's cloth. "Boys will be boys", eh, Chief? What goes around inevitably does comes around... in this case, in the form of national disgrace. Unfortunately, God only knows how many victims - past, present, and future - have been and will continue to be flattened in the process. |
| In childhood, I remember hearing my maternal Grandma say of my Grandfather, "He's always the very last person to give up on someone or some thing, but once he does throw in the towel, you've reached the point of no return." At the time, I gathered from her words only the most nebulous concept of what they actually meant. But I came to understand them - and just how characteristic of my Grandfather they truly were - much, much better with passing years. And, in adulthood, I also grew acutely aware that it's a trait my Grandfather passed along to me. Mostly, I now believe, because of experiencing the things I did regarding my mother's two disastrous marriages and the ensuing 'Heartbreak of Deadbeat Daddies', I apparently, as young as the age of five, began asserting that I had to no wish to marry until at least the 'ripe old age' of 40. Given that this declaration was made 1956, my Grandfather found it particularly amusing that his wee granddaughter, notwithstanding her adulation for the infamous and much revered Cinderella, was already bucking the June Cleaver / Father Knows Best way of life so societally prevalent and adhered to in that era.. He would take me grocery shopping and to the bakery on Saturdays and was quite fond of prompting me to air my precocious views on marriage in front of the Westinghouse buddies and fellow Veteran friends we'd invariably encounter. He'd wink at whatever chum we happened to meet, then ask, "When ya gonna get married, Kelly?", to which I'd jut out my little chin and reply, "Not 'til I'm 40, Grandpa... not 'til I'm 40!" Grandpa and his pals would all get a good guffaw out of that, which I took as their approval of my contention, though I was utterly clueless regarding why they found it so amusing. Simple and beautifully unencumbered are the joys of childhood... ANYhoo... as youth, young adulthood, adulthood, and middle age came and went, I not only talked the talk, but walked the walk, so to speak, regarding remaining unmarried. With the passing decades, of course, I morphed into far less of an "abnormality" in that regard as the ranks of women choosing to remain unmarried and not have children unless they were wed increased appreciably. The magic chronological milestone of "40" had passed, and I'd grown quite comfortable in my unmarried 'skin'. I've always equated my mid-life epiphany that age 40 had come and gone, that I might very well never marry - and that, wonder of wonders, the concept was not the least bit troubling for or frightening to me - with the same kind of "Eureka!" moment Columbus must have experienced when he truly didn't sail right off the edge of the world. I'd been engaged several times by then, but amicably bowed out each time, realizing that following through would have proved to be a mistake for both of us. I was cognizant of the fact that my standards for a potential mate were as stringent as those to which I consistently endeavor to hold myself, and understood that this - particularly as my youth grew more and more distant in life's rear view mirror - would significantly diminish the numbers of available potential soul mates. And I was okay with that to the Nth degree. But then came Bunkie. He was my soul mate. And I his. He says that even to this day. Unfortunately, though, timing is everything. We met a few years after a woman I think he loved very dearly suddenly broke it off with him and married another man. Bunkie is a confirmed bachelor, and we therefore fit like a hand in a glove. I grew to love him very deeply; so much so that (revealing one of my deepest, darkest secrets here), I secretly came to realize that, were he to ask me, I would *gasp!* marry him - and most assuredly live happily ever after for having done so. But I'm a huge believer in the "If you love something, you must let it go. If it loves you back, it will return." philosophy. Soooo... when, after nearly 5 years, "Penelope", freshly divorced and ready for love, burst back on the scene, I decided it was best to give the man some space... and wait to see if he returned of his own free will. I moved from Ohio to Texas... how's that for "space" ? . After that, our friendship intensified all the more. He calls at least once a week, and we yack and laugh for hours on the phone. He still calls me his soul mate and his 'treasure', and speaks often of how wonderful the time we share together is. But, for a plethora of intuitive reasons, I know that the kind of love he feels for me and the kind of love I felt for him are two entirely different things. After nearly sixteen years and given the fact that "Penelope" is still in the picture, I realize she was probably never completely out of the picture when it comes to Bunkie's heart. And for that reason, I'm letting him go. I love him enough to do that for him, and have absolutely no regrets. What we had for those sixteen years, though it may not have been all that I'd hope it would become, is a treasure I'll forever cherish. And it comforts me to realize that I can love someone deeply enough to find true joy in their happiness.... even if it's with someone other than me. Guess yer stuck with me, Texas - . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “ You Were There “ You were there.... in that hidden, secret place none else could see; that empty, aching space so deep in me ~ you were there. Thorny walls around a wounded heart, undercurrents keeping us apart, odds against us from the very start ~ none could with your tensile strength compare... and you were there. Conquering demons standing in your path, you stemmed the flow of evil's aftermath, found the trembling child behind the mask... freed her captive heart and laid it bare by being there. By you my fettered heart was freed from chains, winging far beyond all grief and pain, healed by love and soaring unrestrained, salvaged from the ashes of despair... by the precious moments you were there. Vanquishing relentless, choking fears, stilling horror's screams and searing tears, unfailingly courageous through the years ~ healing all with gentle, loving care while you were there. Yet, when all the battles had been won... just as my soul's depths first felt the sun ~ just when love and trust had made us one... at the long awaited hour of our dawn I found you'd gone. Like a frightened doe, I froze in place ~ ventured not one step beyond that space where pain had been assuaged by your embrace... trying hard to mend the broken bonds... but you were gone. Time, it's said, heals each and every wound ~ love that burned so bright is never doomed... though in silence it may lie entombed, locked once more inside its fortress strong ~ the place my soul returned when you were gone. Safe therein my spirit once more sleeps ~ yet lives on and for it none must weep. By the light of faith it vigil keeps, tenderly preserving in its care… the memories of our love when you were there. In this sequestered chamber I'll reside, despite the bitter winds that rage outside... our love now tossed upon an ebbing tide ~ no longer am I solace sweet denied. Back through the mists of time I'll cast my stare... and find you there. |
| I was born in 1951, which doesn't seem all that long ago in the overall scheme of things, but I'll tell you... either I'm an incurable societal misfit, a lumbering dinosaur who slept through the Ice Age, or from another planet. Almost daily, some one or some thing shocks the crap out of me as yet another example of how much we seem to respect, revel in - and celebrate with relish - flat-out rudeness, egotism, self pre-occupation and aggrandizement, thoughtlessness, and sheer decadence. I won't divulge today's example here... instead, let me start with yesterday's... Apparently, Reality Shows such as Big Brother, Survivor, Bridezillas, The Houswifes of [insert name of some posh and ultra-snobby suburb here], and America's Next Top Model, to name but a few already being aired and eaten up with a spoon, are simply not enough to satisfy our voyeuristic appetite for Nacissim of the Third Kind. To that end, Follywood is offering up yet another serving in the form of a new show that tells us all about how spoiled-silly wealthy people go about spending millions of dollars on outrageously over-the-top-parties. How is it possible that so many people so richly blessed in this world could be so completely indifferent to the suffering of their fellow man as to so blatantly flaunt such massive investments in self-indulgence and showmanship? Where are their heads? Where are there souls? Even among the ranks of the "middle class" and "lower middle class", a collective decline in compassion, civility, empathy, respect for others - even the smallest semblance of etiquette and common courtesy - grows ever more apparent. It may be evidenced a bit less lavishly than the manner in which wealthy folks might demonstrate, but it is there, just the same. We're growing ever more rude, thoughtless, and utterly oblivious to the devastating impact of our resulting thoughts, words, and deeds on the lives and well-being of our fellow man. We resolve issues with anger, violence, cruel words, and insults... and ever increasingly regard ourselves as wholly justified in doing so. We worship at the Altar of the Pecking Order and grow morbidly spiritually obese feasting on others' rejection, failure, misery, and pain. Instead of "There but for the grace of God go I", "What a LOSER!" now seems a far more popular societal mantra. We are no longer the "We" generation... we are the "ME" Generation. Worst of all, we hold in utter disdain the very people we've most grievously injured in the mindless pursuit of what WE want or consider ourselves entitled to. Well, folks... for those of us with our heads embedded that far up our own smug behinds, let's remember one thing... Like it or not, everything about worldly acquisitions and status is temporary. Should you live to be a hundred years old... in the end, that period of time is a but blink of God's eye. Those we haughtily regard as the "lowliest" among us will carry no less with them beyond the grave than those upon whom the greatest tangible earthly blessings have been bestowed. The true measure of our worth then will have nothing to do with what we so zealously covet, pursue, and value on earth if those acquisitions come at the price of our soul. And is that not precisely the currency bartered while trampling others and clawing our way to a skewed concept of "the top"... pieces of our our very soul? Every slight... every harm... every betrayal... every injury by indifference... all come at a cost that no soul, even when the time it's most crucial to do so comes, can afford. Considering the miniscule increment of time we're granted on earth versus the immensity of our destined eternity to follow... how could this kind of acquired and flaunted earthly "status" and "wealth" possibly be worth the price that passing earthly years exact? |
* WDC’s tuxedoed Master of Ceremonies, broadcasting via live satellite hook-up with the Animal Planet Network, announces in a hushed, awed voice…* " Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the First Annual Writing-We’ll-Let-Anyone-Sign-Up-for-Membership-Dot-Com humungously gala and ginormously cheeky 2008 Roast of that Bushy-Tailed, Cyanotic-Purple-Portfolioed, monumentally incrediburgible Writing Rodent... DARKIN STORMY, DEMON SQUIRREL OF DOOM !!! " * the swanky black tie audience collectively rhythmically stamps its feet, does the wave, and roars its approval * "And now, please give a warm WDC welcome to our first Roaster of the evening, Miss Blabbigail VanHurlin’ Trump Gates Rock-A-Feller McGillicuddy !!! " * WDC's renown Aunt Blabby, sensuously svelte and resplendent in her sequined, body-hugging, fire engine red, floor-length evening gown, glides across the stage to the chocolate-covered-acorn-and-pinecone-bedecked podium…* "Thank you, distinguished Guests ~ and fellow Squirrel Lovers, Nut Crushers, and Pest Control Specialists from all over the planet! I’m deeply honored to speak to you this evening of a dear, dear rodent who’s gnawed her way into all of our hearts and many of our body orifices... the two clicks short of rabid, Demon Squirrel of Doom! Six long years ago, our beloved Darkin, (who opposes abortion because she was once a fetus... even though, as the mother of teenagers, she fully understands why animals eat their young), inadvertently sneezed on her keyboard while doing a Google search for Dominatrix sites and wound up on the doorstep of Writing.com instead. Call it fate… call it Karma… call it four out of five of the voices in her squirrelly head telling her to do it ~ any way you slice the banana peel, Darkin decided to join our merry band of WDC semi-literate fellow rodents! Perhaps, she breathed, this is my true destiny! Perhaps... I’m finally home! As is her coquettish habit when it comes to commandeering her husband Mighty Squirrel’s credit card, Darkin employed her Saw it…wanted it…GOT it ! Philosophy of Finance and joined WDC forthwith. And not a moment to soon… You see, Darkin was definitely not born with a silver acorn in her mouth. As a child, she was often heard to exclaim, Help! Daddy farted and we can’t get out !, and suffers to this day from Post-Traumatic Pull My Finger Syndrome. (We do our best to make light of her symptomatic full-frontal body tics by playing "Pin the Tail on the Darkin" without blindfolds.) Complicating matters all the more, poor li'l Darkin's entire family tended to be late for everything, dating as far back in history as when their industrious but woefully tardy ancestors fled from from the tyranny of acorn-blighted Upper Slobovia and immigrated to America's shining shores on the Juneflower. In short. let’s just say that Darkin's gene pool could use a generous dollop of chlorine… Her adolescence was fraught with frustration as well, but Demon Squirrel is nevertheless quite proud of the fact that she managed to graduate high school Magna Cum Loudest out of 252 Federal Witness Protection Candidate classmates who were alive only because homicide is illegal. As a bright albeit decidedly obsessive/compulsive college coed, Miss Thang Darkin became somewhat of a legend in the anuses annals of Academia, primarily due to her eight bodaciously protruberant breasticles, her penchant for stalking local watering holes and ogling nuts of the reproductive kind, and her talent for attracting exceedingly more than her fair share of He-squirrels. By now a Diva Femsquirrel Fatale, her favorite pick-up line from a potential beau was I’m sorry I hurled on your shoes, and many is the time she was heard using snappy pickup-lines of her own on hairy little benutted counterparts, including "Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point", "If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic", "A hundred thousand sperm ~ and you were the fastest?", "Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?", "Don't assume I'm not into cheap, meaningless sex", and, "You’ve been a naughty boy... go to my room!". But all of that collegiate.. *ahem*... tail is... *ahem*... behind her now... our beloved Darkin has blossomed into bright-eyed, bushy-tailed She-squirrelhood. Despite her rather unbecoming prejudiced views regarding woodchucks, throngs here at WDC have come to adore her. Why, you ask? Perhaps the answers are best found in the closely held and adamantly proclaimed belief system to which she doggedly adheres, as evidenced by the following selected, characteristically smart-ass responses from her on a plethora of fronts, elicited during my recent WDC Tattler-Gazette… ****************************************************** "Well, Demon Dearest, I'm certain that everyone in this virtual room joins me in hysterically thanking you from somewhere near the bottom of our hearts, you darling little squirrel-person, not only for sharing so much of who you truly are with all your ardent WDC admirers ~ but for gracing us all with your wondrously rodenty presence in our midst. I just received your text message saying you’re so hungry you’re farting fresh air, so I’ll cut this short before you go all nutzoid on my ass. But before I go, what kind of friend would I be if I failed to make mention of your latest literary masterpieces, all on the Amazon.com Best Seller list, including, Humpty-Dumpty Was Pushed~ One Squirrel’s Battle to Uncover the Truth, Of All the Things I've Lost in Life, I Miss my Mind the Most, and, of course, our little Squirrel’s gripping life story,The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" ? And for those of you wishing to partake of the riveting, WDC Academy Award winning audio-pictorial essay, " Darkin Stormy, This is YOUR LIFE!!! " at a multiplex webpage near you... INTERVIEW WITH A CRAZED SQUIRREL Inquiring minds are dying to know, Darkin ~ what are your thoughts on Intimacy and Squirrel Sexuality? Sex is a misdemeanor…the more I miss it, the meaner I get. I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive, but suicide is a crime. Real women don't have hot flashes; they have power surges. I'm not playing with myself... I'm just adjusting my jewelry. Its all fun and games until someone loses a Fallopian tube and/or testicle. Condoms are easier to change than diapers! Impotence is nature’s way of saying, "no hard feelings". If you smoke after sex, you're f-cking too fast. Any revelations regarding Relationships and Child Rearing? Men are idiots, and I married their King. I miss my husband, but my aim's improving. I got a car for my husband...not a bad trade. Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming too high. Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable, but everyone else's are horrendous. I love to give homemade gifts ~ which one of my kids do you want? How about the hot-button issues Feminism and Gender Equality? All men are animals; some just make better pets. If a man feels attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. I may be a cruel and heartless bitch, but I'm damn good at it I wish I was Barbie. That bitch has EVERYTHING. God is coming and she is PISSED! Prithee, Milady Darkin, wherefore doest thou stand, politically speaking? I’m huge on bipartisanship ~ I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass. I nominated Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. If George W. Bush is the answer, it must have been a really stupid question. Impeach President Bush… and her husband, too! On second thought ~ impeaching Bush would be a sh-tty thing to do to peaches. Stop repeat offenders... don't re-elect them! If we all quit voting, will they all just go away? Florida leads the nation in electile dysfunction. My favorite political quote: " I should never have invented the Electoral College." ~ Al Gore I've tried to see things from Republicans’ point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass. What personal Squirrel-speak can you share with us on Religion and Spirituality? Do unto others before they do unto you. He who farts in church sits in his own pew. Lord give me patience... and hurry! Jesus is coming... look busy. As long as there are quizzes and tests, there will be prayer in schools! Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. My God can beat up your God. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Jesus Saves… He passes it to Gretzky… He shoots… He SCORES ! Have you bitch-slapped a Televangelist today? God is my co-pilot, but the Devil’s my bombardier. Wrinkles are God's little way of saying, " I'm stepping on your face ". Sex is my religion.. let us pray! Darkin, what have you to say about the widespread WDC Latrine-o-gram rumors regarding you and... *ahem*... 'recreational substances' ? You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. To you it's a six-pack; to me it's a support group. I’m not as think as you drunk I am. Never drink and drive ~ you might hit a bump and spill your drink. Take me drunk, I'm home. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. I gave up sex, drugs, rock and roll, and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life. Rehab is for quitters. What, Demon Dearest, are your Preferred Insults? If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. Is that your head or is your neck blowing bubbles? Honk if you want to see my finger. Buckle up... it'll make it harder for aliens to suck you out of your car. What burning Issues, Quests, and Questions does your furry little heart most fervently ponder in life? Who put a stop payment on my reality check? What if there were no hypothetical questions? Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? Should I leave my body to science fiction? How much deeper would the ocean would be without sponges? If you’re Born Again, do you have two bellybuttons? Have you any recommended Philosophies and/or Squirrelly Words to Live By? Everyone is entitled to my opinion You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch. Life is a big feces sandwich, and every day they make you take another bite.. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train. Go bra-less… it’ll pull the wrinkles outta yer face. E. coli happens. Fat people are hard to kidnap. Friends help you move ~ real friends help you move bodies. Nuclear war can ruin your whole day. Ass, gas, or grass ~ nobody rides for free. I'm so happy, I could break out in little assholes and sh-t myself to death. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullsh-t; if you can’t baffle ‘em with bullsh-t, riddle ‘em with bullets. And finally, Demon, what are your thoughts about Mortality? I wanna die in my sleep at age 109, like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car. And when I do get around to buying the farm, bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass! ****************************************************** Ladies and Gentlemen, my work here is done. Good night, beloved Darkin! Be well and prostate! " * Aunt Blabby, her perky little bodice heaving up and down and occasionally in and out with emotion, sweeps gracefully off the stage, blowing kisses to the somewhat stunned, emotionally spent and morally bankrupt Darkin and a cheering audience that has leaped to its collective feet in a resoundingly raucous standing ovation * Wanna take a crack at roasting the the Demon Squirrel's nuts AND perhaps win a lot of GP's??? Here ya go:
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** monty31802, a distinguished and beloved Military Veteran, published author, and WDC family member and friend, lost his cherished wife over over 46 years, Kitty, on February 3, 2008, following a prolonged and difficult illness . Monty and fellow WDC Family member, Julie, ( COUNTRYMOM-JUST REMEMBER ME   ) are published co-authors and also host such popular WDC Forums as " The Traditional Poetry Contest ", " The Senior Citizens Forum " and " The Veterans Forum ". Monty never left Kitty's side during her illness and many critical episodes resulting in several admissions to the Intensive Care Unit.Through Julie, Monty has related that he intends to return to Writing.com as soon as he's feeling able to do so, and I'd appreciate it very much if as many folks here as possible send he and Julie their thoughts, support, encouragement. and prayers via e-cards, c-notes, e-mail, or by posting at the below "Prayers for Monty and Kitty" Forum site. Additionally, all proceeds from the sale of 2008 Valentine C-Notes from the below "Valentine Visions" C-Note Shoppe will be contributed to Monty's Traditional Poetry Contest GP coffers. Please pass the word along to as many folks as possible... many thanks to you all. 
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| I stand in horrified awe, sometimes, of species Homo Sapiens' immense capacity for steeping their souls in hypocrisy... all the while considering themselves monumentally righteous for doing so. For me, one of the most 'poisonous fruits of the resulting tree' is embodied in the phrase, "Love the Sinner but hate the sin". I've come to loathe that expression, most often uttered with arrogant impunity by so-called 'Christians' no more truly in touch with what it means to be a Christian than Adolph Hitler was with his feminine side. In the vast majority of instances, the "sins" to which these allegedly 'pious Christians' are referring amount to such things as homosexuality, interracial relationships and offspring, and philosophical, spiritual, and/or religious beliefs they deem to be a departure from the 'one true faith'. These 'Christians' emphatically assert that the Bible supports their 'take' on what is a 'sin' in the eyes of God, turning a perpetually stone-deaf ear to any interpretation of the Good Book that differs from their own. Good LORD, people! At one point, the Bible banishes women from religious services/ceremonies, declaring them to be "impure" and "unclean" whenever they are menstruating! If you place a dozen human beings in a circle and whisper a simple sentence into the ear of the person beside you, by the time it reaches the twelfth person, it will hardly be recognizable! Having been translated and passed from generation to generation for thousands of years - who is to say what God originally said and/or meant after King James and so many others of his ilk have put their personal "spin" on innumerable translations and "versions" of the Bible? Who among us possesses the absolute right to declare that the King James Version of the Bible, for example, trumps the Catholic faith's Bible, the latter of which includes six more Chapters than the former? Or that the Catholic Bible trumps the Koran? Or that the Koran trumps the Tanakh as the 'be all, end all' written word of the Almighty? Is it not the epitome of arrogance for any mortal human being - particularly those purporting to be 'good Christians' - to dare consider themselves worthy of condemning as 'sins' actions and attributes having nothing whatsoever to do with the Ten Commandments? White Supremacists who hide in hooded KKK garb, burn crosses, and thump upon their Bibles while declaring Blacks, Jews, biracial people, and gays to be "impure", "sinful", and/or "evil" are frighteningly repugnant, indeed - but, like Archie Bunker, their ignorance, hatred, and toxic arrogance is an 'in your face' disease process hidden in plain sight. Such malignancy,openly festering and reveling as it does in its own stench of decay, is relatively easy to excise and eradicate from humanity's midst. But the egotism, pervasive judgmentalism, and self-aggrandizement embodied in the kind of thinking that leads to such arrogantly asserted quips as "Love the sinner but not the sin", like the 'friend' who smiles in your face and leaves a knife embedded in your back, are another matter entirely... and therefore terrifying beyond measure. They are the cleverly disguised, insidious minions of the Beasts of hatred, prejudice, narcissism, and arrogance that, cloaked in the false pretense of 'righteousness', leave naught but pain, injury, and spiritual devastation in their wake. Looking upon their victims and contemplating the destruction they've wrought in countless lives, I have a phrase of my own for such 'good Christians' to consider... Jesus weeps. |
| They're reporting that the cost of the circus of cops on motorcycles, in crusiers, and in at least one helicopter hovering above the ambulance that transported Britney Spears to the banana factory this past week is... *gasp* ... 25 THOUSAND dollars, a sum for which the fellow citizens Spears puts in peril every time she pours herself into the driver's seat of a car will be picking up the tab. Given that my HOUSE, which now has no heat and a partially caved in roof, cost only 5 thousand dollars more than that amount - and given how lucky I am to have at least a part of a roof over my head when thousands of others are sleeping under bridges, on storm grates, in subway niches, etc. - I find this abuse of taxpayer money absolutely infuriating. I'm not angry or jealous of Britney's and her family's fame and wealth, nor is my ire attributable to her incessant ridiculous behavioral antics, with the possible exception of her endangering innocent folks every times she operates a motor vehicle, be she alcohol and/ chemical impaired, sober but gawd-awful at driving, and/or mentally ill. I completely understand that certain forms of mental illness can manifest themselves in compulsive, erratic, and even dangerous behavior, but in the case of the latter, Spears knows full well that driving while impaired puts herself AND others at risk, and therefore, mentally ill or not, she knows right from wrong when it comes to succombing to such particularly dangerous impulses. She just doesn't care . And that I do resent - and hold her entirely accountable for - despite my understanding and compassion for those struggling with psychiatric illnesses. But what really grinds my valves about this latest taxpayer-funded escapade is how lavish and superfluous it all was - and the incredible audacity Spears & Company demonstrates in allowing taxpayers to bear the financial burden of same. Yes, yes... I've heard it all about how the paparazzi stalks her, etc. And, yes, indeed, they are scumbuckets for doing so. But Brit and her family often invite the publicity insanity into their lives and eat it up with a spoon. Many argue that much of her problem stems from being hounded any time she leaves her home... but for me, her situation begs the question, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg"? Were it not for Spear's outrageous and often flat-out dangerous behavior - AND throwing away 100 times more second chances and opportunities than the common man could ever expect in life - she'd still have her children, the public's voyeuristic demand for every tidbit of information and every piece of film footage and/or picture pertaining to Spears would wane significantly, and with that reduced demand would naturally come diminished interest on the part of the money-hungry paparrazzi. Many other FAR more talented and handsomely paid celebrities, just a few examples of which are Tom Hanks, Paul Newman and Joan Woodward, Sally Fields, Kathy Bates, Julia Roberts, George Clooney - and even such 'mega stars' as Ann Bancroft and Katherine Hepburn prior to their deaths - have managed to stay at the top of their game throughout their stellar careers, all the while keeping the paparrazi sufficiently at bay to maintain relative normalcy in their personal and loved one's lives. Given the apprecible financial and human resources Spears has at her 24/7 beck and call, if she wished to protect herself from paparazzi onslaughts, she most certainly could in a variety of ways. Given that prisoners manage to escape Maximum Security facilities with flourish and disturbing regularity - and that even Michael freaking Jackson found a way out of the 'curse of the paparazzi', it's very difficult to believe that Britney couldn't solve her own 'papa problem' quite swiftly and handily... if, in fact, she wanted to. Be that as it may... and even considering the magnitude of the paparazzi 'woes' Spears is, whether willingly or not, 'suffering'... the amount of police manpower and ground and air protection accorded her during both of her transports to mental wards was excessive to say the very least - and exhorbitantly expensive. And for taxpayers to absorb the cost when Spears could afford to do so without even blinking an eye - while other of her fellow human beings and struggling just to survive - is a societal abomination of the Third Kind. |
| A child of the early 1950's, I remember, waaaaaaay back when I was a pre-schooler, being an ardent fan of a half dozen or so television shows, Howdy-Doodie, Romper Room, Captain Kangaroo, The Mickey Mouse Club, and and the Looney Toon gang, et al ( Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Mickey, Minnie, Porky Pig, Elmer Fudd, Tweetie Bird, etc.) I also remember being absolutely fascinated by and completely delighted by the concept of the old time weekly television show, The Millionaire ~ and completely abhoring a daily T.V. show of the same era called "Queen for a Day". "The Millionaire" episodes each told the tale of an anonymous Millionaire who, by means of his wealth, was able to make himself aware of and zero in on individuals who were desperately struggling financially, yet facing with immense grace each and every day of their life and grateful for what blessing they did have instead of succumbing to a narcissistic "Woe is Me" outlook on life. The episodes always started with the same brief narrative, spoken by the Millionaire's personal assistant, explaining how it came to be that the Millionaire became keenly interested in taking note of such courageous, good, and decent people - and intervening before tragedy struck their lives by anonymously bestowing a million dollars upon them. The bulk of the hour of each episode then consisted of relating a given beneficiary's circumstances and the dignity, courage, and quiet humility they personified ~ and how they responded the million dollars anonymously bestowed upon them in a vast number of fascinating ways. Episodes Queen for a Day, on the other hand, daily featured one woman, chosen via audience participation from a competing group of three, to be crowned "Queen for a Day" and granted whatever her particular expressed wish happened to be, from a washing machine to a vacation to a new wardrobe, etc. The problem was, each of the three "contestants"had first had to write into the show, relating their tale of woe and why they were making the wish they were making... and worse yet, if selected to be on the show ~ stand up on national television and sob out their story to God and everybody. In those days, of course, T.V.shows and movies were FAR more melodramatically "corny" than what today's more sophisticated viewer's would ever tolerate... with the possible exception of Soap Operas, certain Reality shows, Jerry Springer, and assorted other "Who's the Father" and "Help! My Child is Out of Control ! " Talk Show epsodes. But even at the tender age of six, it pained me to watch three desperate women sobbing hysterically and completely surrendering any semblance of human dignity in begging for a washing machine or the like, live before a rapt studio and television audience, fervently hoping that their sad plight would beat out those of their sister "competitors". Though I was far too young to articulate why such scenerious troubled me so at that particular point in time, I eventually came to realize what the concepts as "lost / sacrificed dignity and self-esteem" and "demeaning and exploiting the poor for entertainment value" entailed and thus, why Queen for a Day strikes me as such an abomination in television history. I also came to understand that even though The Millionaire and Queen for a Day were both foundational upon averting tragedy via vital human needs being miraculously met, my reasons for adoring Millionaire and despising Queen arose from a singular premise... my mother, brother, sister, and I had lived a half click short of being homeless for about as long as I could remember. Doing without even basic necessities like food and utilities was a way of life for us, and for us, having a phone or a car would have been a luxury. But we prided ourselves on self-reliance and never once going on Welfare. We kids worked in the school cafeteria from fourth grade through graduation in exchange for our school lunches, and I went to work part time at age 14, then full time at age 16, to provide income for our family. We were "poor" in terms of finances only - but wealthy beyond measure in many, less tangible other ways. Both as a young child and to this very day, what I loved about The Millionaire was his genuine compassion and purest humility in changing the course of lives in financial peril, and the sheer and absolute joy he found in doing so completely anonymously. As a child and even now, that show instilled me a love for following in "The Millionaire's" footsteps whenever financially and/or situationally possible for me to do so ~ and allowed me to experience similar, immeasurable amounts of joy and pleasure many times over throughout my life. I've never experienced the slightest desire to be rich; in fact, my resolve in that regard only grows stronger as I take note of ever-increasing numbers of incredibly wealthy families and individuals who wouldn't know what happiness was if it kicked them in the keister. My tastes and sources of "wealth" are quite modest, and even if granted a wish when it comes to money, I'd be consummately satisfied with just enough in the way of finances to live in a very modest home and be able to face old age without having to fear having to rely on public assistance for shelter and food or medical care in the last years of earthly life. Were the Lottery or some other miracle to bestow more than that amount upon me, my greatest joy would come in anonymously "paying it forward" to the other people person needing a miracle as much I once did. Well, folks... I've now met a real life person who personifies the very same qualities I so admire in "The Millionaire" - right here at Writing.com. She would defecate a brick were I to disclose her identity here, because that's the kind of human being she is. But I'm onto her identity, just the same - and those who know her will recognize her as well. She likes to keep a very low profile, but in this particular instance, this WDC undercover Angel's wings peeked out from beneath her cloak of anonymity just for the briefest moment... and I want her to know how much joy and hope she instills in my heart and those of countless others privileged to come to know her. I can hear her right now, vigorously protesting "what little things", the many blessings she so freely bestows upon others are, and how her life and such deeds can't be compared to the generosity of "The Millionaire" and his real life ilk. In my case, her latest gifted miracle is a 6-month extension of my WDC membership, and knowing her as I do, I'm as certain as I am of my own name that she considers this wholly "minimal" in terms of value ~ and the immense joy, renewal of faith and hope, and heartfelt gratitude such a "small" gift has wrought. But I'm here to tell you that she's as wrong as she can be about that ~ there is NOTHING small or of little value about her in any way, shape, or form. The measure of generosity is not in how many dollars spent ~ it is, instead, in the heart that extends the gift. And the heart of this Angel among us is one of the richest ~ and most selflessly generous ~ I have ever encountered. |
| Note to anyone who's interested: If you plan to use an online tax filing service, especially via 1040 or 1040 EZ (but not necessarily limited to these two forms), GO TO THE OFFICIAL INTERNAL REVENUE SITE AND DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT YOU QUALIFY TO E-FILE YOUR RETURN FOR FREE !!! I was all set to file through TaxAct, but, as is my habit, FIRST read ALL the fine print and discovered an ULTRA fine print disclosure that instead of paying 25.00 through them, I might be elgible to file for free. Of course, they didn't tell me HOW to do so, because they do not offer free e-filing. After a bit of Googling, I found the following OFFICIAL I.R.S. website link ( Beware all the look-alike but decidedly NOT official I.R.S. websites - go instead to the GENUINE I.R.S. Site: https://www.http://www.irs.gov/. ) Once there, look along the LEFT VERTICAL column for links to info on free e-filing and which sites the I.R.S. endorses to use for e-filing. Even if you don't qualify for free e-filing but wish to e-file instead of filing by mail or through an agency, etc., the I.R.S. Site is a great resourse for DEPENDABLE online e-filing sites. (You cannot e-file directly from the I.R.S. site, but the .IR.S. provides you with a list of e-filing sites they [the I.R.S.] endorse, which is vital, given all the "tax filing" scams going on online right now.) EVEN IF YOU DON'T PLAN TO E-FILE, you can find all the forms, tables, and explanations/information a you need to file by mail at the I.R.S. Site AND at the sites they recommend and just print them out. If you go to a site the I.R.S. recommends, you can figure YOUR ENTIRE TAX RETURN in their automated system, then print out a completed tax return form to be signed, dated, and mailed in FOR FREE. Here is an I.R.S. recommended site I really liked - it's associated with TurboTax and they provide a means of checking if you're eligible for free e-filing in just a few minutes in an interactive Q & A format. This site is very easy to use, and guides you through every step of filing [e-file or conventional], INCLUSIVE OF LOOKING AT EVERY POSSIBLE DEDUCTION AND COMPARING WHICH, YOUR ITEMIZED DEDUCTIONS OR THE STANDARD DEDUCTION, WILL YIELD YOUR MOST ADVANTAGEOUS OPTION. http://turbotax.intuit.com/taxfreedom/ ) Every kind of deduction and every step of the process provides complete, thorough explanations and info. AND - should you decide to e-file - your turnaround time for receiving a refund is reduced from 6-10 weeks to 2-4 weeks. If you opt for direct deposit of a refund, your refund will process even more quickly than that, because the Direct Deposit process eliminates the time that would otherwise be required for printing up and mailing out a refund check. You can even split up your refund into as many as three separate accounts if you're using direct deposit. I'm very pedantic and thorough about tax filing, and every single question that arose was readily answered at the Turbo Site. If you hate this yearly chore as much as I do, I'd HIGHLY recommend you at least check this out BEFORE you pay some agency/tax person to do it or try to struggle through it on your own. Hope this helps someone else ~ it certainly did me! In fact, it was kind of fun !!! Who'dda thunk it?  |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** What is this place, devoid of light where smothered hearts beat slow? Why comes this beast in darkest night to crush my spirit so? When loosed, its sinewed stranglehold upon a spirit lost? How freed from chains and fear untold a mind by tempests tossed? What dues are owed and must be paid before a soul can breathe? Why is the hand of justice stayed and naught to some bequeathed? When do life's scales true balance find ~ angst offset by love? How best their qualities combined, those of the hawk and dove? What secret rules my destiny and from me knowledge hides? Why is the light I cannot see eclipsed by raging tides? When will come my sweet release and longed-for soft repose? How long will tears deny me peace and thorns betray the rose? What more to do; what tasks remain... what path as yet untrod? Why is the balm to soothe this pain not poured forth by my God? When will come what's keenly sought, yet silent for so long? How long before what darkness wrought surrenders to the dawn? |
| I don't get it, America... explain it to me like I'm a six-year-old. We are at war, the housing market is in the dumper, our economy is teetering on the brink of a major recession, and thousands of our citizens, inclusive of children, are living on the streets. Yet what "updates" continue to ride the crest of national AND global attention and headlines day after inexorable day? Britney flipping Spears, for gawd sake. Give me a break, already!!! Yes, the girl is lovely... and somewhat "talented", in her own charming way. But she most assuredly is not playing with a full deck, which, were she Joanne-Middle-Class-or-Below-Q-Citizen, would render her unemployable, very likely abandoned and alone, and pretty much relegated to the dregs of society's consciousness, let alone concern. Yet this girl, who has enjoyed every comfort that money can procur, squandered away every perk, benefit, and break that life can offer in terms of her career and personal life, and basked in adultation since childhood, remains the center of attention in the media and the constant "prey" of throngs of photographers and looky-loos. What is UP with that? I mean, news and media folks are devoting HOURS to following and discussing the antics of this one ridiculously wealthy, immensely spoiled, totally out of control and mentally unstable young woman as if her present circumstances were of some sort of huge global significance. Meanwhile, we have homeless people sleeping under bridges, children actually starving in the Appalachian regions, soldiers who have been paralyzed, lost limbs, incurred brain damage and/or other serious bodily harm in Iraq and other conflicts being ignored or overlooked in terms of post-injury medical care and national support, and elderly citizens having to choose between food, utilities, and life-saving medications every single day. Britney is being chased by maniacal herds of papparazi and her well nourished derriere and panty-less whoosiewhatsit emblazoned across magazines, news rags, and television screens... even as thousands upon thousands of our own citizens are literally being ignored to death. I am in no way belittling Ms. Spears' probable mental illness... but neither do I see why her situation is one iota more important or significant than those of throngs of people who have never known even a tiny fraction of the opportunity, support, adoration, and/or wealth that has been heaped upon Spears thoughout her twenty-some year young life. I've little doubt that, if a meaningful and significant intervention does not occur, Spears is headed for a very sad, if not fatal, finissimo. She's a train wreck waiting to happen ~ and unfortunately, may take out a few additional victims in her downward spiral before all is said and done. But if she does, I don't want to hear people pissing and moaning about what a shame it is that she crashed and burned... because as long as we tune in and/or buy up, gawk, and gossip over every photograph or piece of video she's featured in, we're feeding the beast that may eventually cost her her life. And we'll all have played a part in not only the tragedy that is likely to befall her... but those, as well, of all the far less privileged individuals we summarily ignored in our stampede to the news stands... and trampled beneath the weight of a wholly skewered, collective sense of societal priorities. |
Author's Note: who knew Mary Lou Who Henner drives a cab and has kin in Alaska? Frank Incense 666 Redneck Road Yahoo Trailer Estates, Lot #69 Tonguebite, Alaska 24728 December 25, 2006 Dear Cousin Bubba, This here’s Frank, peckering out a howdy to ya on my Macrosoft abuser-friendly peeboard! I know it's been quite a while ago and you've probably misbegotten, but we both sang barely toned together in the Repeating The 8th Grade Glee Club. Can you hear mi now? (DOH !!!) I realize yer only my second cousin twice removed, but am prayin' my class off that this relatively minor retail will not pie in the face of our Southern rooted-and-tooted Theory of Relativity. As Andy Warhol is so fond of spraying, this is, after all, the most punderful time of the year... I’ve written every single friend and/or relative I’ve seen featured on America’s Most Wanted, but all of them, it seems, are completely discombobulated and have not so much as a snot to kiss in, which accounts for their dehydrated responses to my please. The only one who failed to respond at all is step-cousin thrice removed Mary, who I’m told is driving a cab in the next village over from us, Hackinthesack, Alaska, and is therefore unavailable for convents. I’d pretty much arrived at my twit’s end because I'd dismembered that you’d chosen Chastity over Bono and entered the Priests' Hood, and I now feel a keen need for speed in confessing to you, Father Bubbmeister... you’re my only Pope. In fact, to be repletely Frank, I have to say – if not upon on your most pontificated second cousin twice behooved, who can you blow a fly on? You see, Your Holey Nest, I’m in debt up to my softballs, and the buzz on the teat is that a local Pakistanian Raffia Godfather has put out a Contact Snit on my life. This, of course, could entrail anything from having my face, peeflaps, and various and sundry other free-swinging appendages permanently misfigured... to being fished out of the Mrs. Slippery River, dead as a whore's nail, with my twin peaks all hacked off in a car trunk. Things have gotten so can-rancorous that I dare not venture even as far as to K-Mart's Outhouse Screw Light Specials without donning a flatulence jacket for my own projection. It started out binocuously enough, but now all of this hula hoopla has taken on a ginormous strife of it’s own. What I thought was destined to be naught more that a hair-pounding, pulse-raising theft of dentures has masticated into an industrial-strength, Super Big Gulp-sized dry socket! Me and my partner in grime, Penelope Hoobiebatch, were co-workers at the Bite Me Tender Orthophonics and Denture Modification Lab, Incorrugated, located in the bustling berg of Tonguebite, Alaska. 'Twas the Nightshift before Cannabis, and me and Penny were in the Break Room, grinding our own earwax and making plans to attend a Kwanza Eve taping of the Jerry Springer Show. It suddenly spawned on us that we were lawfully close to a being day late and holler snort on scratch, if ya know what I mean. Out of sheer Desiderata, we incubated together and hatched a pan to get our coven mitts on some bread – we decided to pull a heist on a Swiss tank. The skinny on the torridly obese twosome said to be co-piloting the tank was that they were: 1. conjoined twins, 2. both unarmed, and 3. transporting a buttload of secretly sirloined, 14-carrot gold Freddy Krugerans to the Scova Notion border. After giving the matter serious twitterpation, Penny and me derided, "how dangerous could it be to defecate two really fat, well connected guys with no arms from a buttload of golden Freddies?" I won't subjugate you to all the glory details, but what a mangled web we weaved when first we practiced to retrieve! To make a vertically challenged story even shorter, and quoting our late, great President Sticky Dick Nixon, let me just say this about that: those Swissers ain’t as piece-loving and light in the snowshoes as they’d have the United Stations believe! And their incrediburgably buxom Swiss Army Wives ain’t nothin’ to wheeze at, neither! ANYhoo… Hoobiebatch and me wound up registered in adjoining rooms at the Crowbar Hotel over the horror day weekend, until Bog the County Hunter showed up with his breasticularly swell endowed wife. They made us pray, “Ask not what your Bounty can do for you – ask what you can do for your Bounty," then bailed us out right after our interstitial Municipal Court Attainment Spearing. And so it is that I've come to this sorry state of a flair, my Popettish cuz... on the lamb and udderly sheepishly, I find my self scrotally forked and prostate on your kneeling bench with nothing but a sheepskin Trojan to my name – begging of your Worshiped Ship a ginamic bumbled pie slice of your God-and-Congregation-driven, Poor-On-The-Floor compassion and coffers. PLEASE, Your Most Right She-less Second Cousin Father Bubba... give us this day our prayed-for bread! Penelope and I will solemnly pair on our very hives to prove to you, Your Wholly Wealthiness, that if you’ll but tithe us over just this once, we’ll forever pray you back. Nourish us with greenback manna now and we’ll never brownout your Confessional with fertilizer patties again. We stand before you concretely willing to stare upon my own bi-curious Mammie's wife that your mangelic offering will be forever gratefully abused. As a matter of fact, Our Fatherhood Who Art in Heavenly Bucks, it's so brittle-nipple cold here we fully intend to use the very first 10% of your most degenerate gift to hail Mary’s cab, make like all-famous hockey players, and get the puck off the ice! We can't wait to rear back from you, and we're both exposing warmest fishes and lots of loaves to your conglomeration and all the demotedly fod-gearing, Rotund Little Sisters of the Pun Nuns in yer perish. Until we squeak again, we'll be spicing up the passing thyme by scratching our watches, winding our butts, and taking turns thumbing Penelope's twiddle. Forever Yours in Bead Fumbling and Keeping it All in the Family, Your Reverently Agnostic Cousin Frank and Common-Law Cousin Twice Removed, Penelope |
Mary Lou Who Henner, HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! We passed the hat and went in together on an official Hall Fart Eeeeek! Card...why??? Because we care enough to send the very breast !!!   ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Now be a good little Birthday Girl, Mary Lou, and, um... BLOW OUT YER CANDLE !!!    ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| If ever you should wonder in life who your true friends are, look not for those at your side only in victories and good times... look, instead, to those still standing with you, their feet as covered as your own in the ashes of despair. For therein lies the true test of the metal. Last night, after treating myself to a good cry, (something I rarely indulge in but in this instance, a needed cleansing of the spirit, so to speak), I was drifting off in somber slumber when the phone rang. Upon answering it, it should have come as no surprise to me who the caller might be… yet I must admit that it did. I recognized the voice of a very special friend here within the WDC community, who, as she has a longstanding penchant for doing, had detected the laboring pulse of a sorrowing heart and wasted no time in wading into the muck and mire to extend her hand and own heart as a lifeline to one in peril. I’ve always known her to be a dear, gentle, wholly caring and compassionate soul, but last evening, in her own endearing, and gentle way, she proved it beyond even a shadow of a doubt. Because I know her to be an extremely private, keenly honest young woman and a person of immense humility, I will not identify her here. But most will recognize her shining in these words anyway… because she steadfastly, unassumingly and without fanfare, and 99.9 percent of the time anonymously, personifies these very qualities unfailingly in thoughts, words, actions, and deeds on a 24/7 basis. My heart speaks both of and to her now, so that she may forever know how great a treasure amongst all of us soldiering through life and journeying upon this earth consider her to be ~ and just how beloved by so many she truly is and will forever remain. Her generosity, wondrous spirit, instinctive empathy ~ and the eternal wellspring of compassion that flows so freely from her very essence ~ are gossamer wings on which precious few human beings soar... and upon them, she soars among us all as a priceless and cherished gift to all with eyes to behold. I love you, dear girl... and I always will. |
| Sometimes, when you realize your bum is chafed raw from maintaining a teetering balance on the proverbial fence for far too long a time, getting unceremoniously and completely knocked off of same comes as a great release, regardless of how hard the fall. When it comes to Writing.Com and whether to remain or fly off, the bumps and bruises are appreciable, but the finality involved is soothing and even somewhat comforting, I must say. A few days ago, I received my first e-mailed Notice from WDC about renewing my Membership come February 15th. I have to admit, were sane financial considerations the only relevant factor in deciding, "yeah" or "nay", common sense alone would dictate that the latter be my choice. But of course, when it comes to all that I've always loved and immensely enjoyed about WDC, sound, financial-based decision-making pales by comparison, and I was already contemplating what to pawn or sell in order to pay for another year. Still, all has certainly not been love, peace, and champagne bubbles in the favor of the option of staying; hence, this greatest and final "Convoluted Conundrum". I mean, let's face it... I've always been rather a WDC "freakazoid", in that... 1. I'm far more concerned about honest and integrity-infused communication in terms of writing rather than what readers "score" or "rate" a piece I've penned. 2. I'm not known for a highly competitive take on life or within the confines of WDC, and therefore am impervious to such things as "promotions" herein, especially if they are not primarily based upon talent/potential/improved skills/etc. Worst of all in the eyes of many... getting published is wholly unimportant to me. I've seen far too much phenomenal writing get rejected and far too much sheer 'junk' get published, which says to me that in my case, getting published is hardly the "be all, end all" goal I personally need to seek out in order for writing to be optimally fulfilling and satisfying. 3. I loathe pettiness, manipulation, malicious gossip, popularity contests, and back-biting - an attitude which seems to be earning me more than a few headaches here of late. 4. I'm a Card-Carrying, Non-Ass-Kisser, and don't expect MINE to be kissed, either. I DO, however, expect my honesty and sincerity as a human being to be at least non-judgmentally heard as opposed to being mindlessly flattened by the Sherman Tanks of those who hold "all the power". Recent events here have finally cumulatively brought this particular blemish to a head, and I have to admit, once I've finished transferring pertinent data from my WDC Portfolio to zip discs and making hard copies as back-ups, finally "popping the pimple" on February 15th will come as somewhat of a relief. To all of my friends here, I love you beyond what words can say, and you will NEVER be forgotten... a few of you have my number for as long as it rings through! P.S. - if anyone wants to take over the Campfire, "Daze of Our Lives" , the In and Out, "Much Doo-Doo About Nothing", and/or the "Keep the Homefires Burning" Forum, please e-mail me and I'll transfer any or all over to you. Thanks! |
WDC's beloved Deelyte- Chillin'  IS NO LONGER A.W.O.L.!!! *WDC Gazette Latrine-o-gram Rumor-Tattler Special Report, dateline 3 Jan 2008 * MUCH to the relief of THRONGS of her friends and virtual family members here, Dee apparently either fell or was pushed into the path of her oncoming Blog earlier today, attired only in a pair of "Happy 2008/Thursday", peek-a-boo-lace thong panties, two entirely mis-situated, glitter-festooned tassles, and a somewhat lopsided grin. Sources report that her post-New Year coitus coiffure was spiked, sproinged, and rainbow-hued, that what were intially mistaken for gaudily large bauble earrings actually proved to be stale champagne bubbles leaking out of her ears, and that Dee's breath, bellybutton, and/or armpits reeked of eggnog even as she fought valiantly to regain control over a massive attack of flatulence while incoherently mumbling something about her Grandma running over a reindeer. Deelyte- Chillin' then farted a massive confetti cloud and unceremoniously poofed. WDC Maintenance apologizes for the cold temperature ranges and confetti-induced brown out WDC Community Members are experiencing due to having to keep all the windows open for ventillation, and assures us that the premises should be completely aired out by morning. What a party animal! Film at eleven! |
" ON THIS NIGHT " She gazed upon bejeweled flames of a Yuletide blaze... all the years of loss and pain a ghosted, smoky haze. Blanketed, the earth this night, in silent reverence, fiery tongues the only light in evening's innocence. Mesmerized, her spirit reigned, she watched their molten dance, shimmering in robes of flame, their offspring cast to chance. On undulating waves of heat, her prayers set to wing; naught for herself did she entreat ~ instead, one whispered thing... "Christ, my Savior, born this night so very long ago, receive my heart into Your Light, that Your love I may know." Soon thereafter came sweet sleep, and with it, Angels' songs; heralding God's gentle keep, they gathered nigh in throngs. O'er windswept hills and snowy plain, their chorused voices rose, as they called her home again, in peaceful soft repose. While in her dreams, the fire burned bright for Christmases now past; her soul set free this bitter night... her earthly Christmas last. Beneath the bridge where she'd lain down, her Yuletide fire wanes dim; fading embers on the ground where once a life had been. But in its dying, crimson tears, no pain or sorrows dwell, for by her faith she knew no fear, and lived life full and well. She left no riches here on earth, yet knows wealth beyond measure, for on this night of Jesus' birth, He's claimed her as His treasure. On this night she's found a home that none can take away... dawn will find her at God's throne, rejoicing Christmas Day. |
| What's So Great About 2008 ??? An EXCLUSIVE WDC Gazette Latrine-o-gram Rumor-Tattler Special Investigative Report, New Years Day Edition, indicates it's certainly off to a great start... 1. gee-duh-baya has only one more year in which to further screw up our country... unless we impeach him first.  2. MaryLou got sexed last night and is jubilantly ready to face the New Year; the Caveman, however, remains in Guarded condition.3. The StoryMaster  and The StoryMistress  are working feverishly to launch their latest contribution to Writing.com: The Story Tot ! They proclaim of their incredibly dedicated, zealously mutually embarked-upon efforts: "Practice makes perfect!" 4. lifewriter threw a helluva WDC New Years Eve Party last night, gave away a Fort Knox full of GP's, and managed NOT to beat the Grey-Cased Stalking Bot-Buster senseless with her bare-knuckled keyboard. We're all jes' so DAYUM proud of her !!!!  5. Vivian  received an uproarious standing ovation in the WDC New Year Scroll And Bot Bash this year when she sneezed on her keyboard and actually WON a Game !!! 6. SueBear announced to the world that she's at long last discovered what mothballs smell like... apparently, she finally figured out how to get their little legs apart.7. darkin stumbled into WDC chat last night, her once luxurient, proudly protruberant tail appearing sticky and more than a tad moth-eaten, speaking in tongues and passing out slobbery chocolate acorns she'd been secreting in her cheek pouches. 8. SouthernDiva was noticeably absent from the WDC New Year's Eve Gang-Bot festivities last night... a Search Warrant served on her Portfolio at 4 A.M. disclosed that her tube of Industrial Strength Glide 'n Slide, mother-of-pearl-handled six-shooter diaphram, and cat-o-nine-tailed riding crop are inexplicably missing.9. Steev the Friction Wizurd missed his flight to New York City and had to watch his own balls drop.10. kittiara has vowed never again to go to bed angy; instead she's resolved to stay awake and plot her revenge. 11. Funnyface is happy to be back has announced she's one bad relationship away from having thirty cats.12. AL burglarized her local Police Station on New Year's Eve and stole all of their toilets. The cops have nothing to go on. 13. ms_penguin beaked a few too many cooked cabbage hors de ovres at the WDC Bot-Bash New Years Party while trying to Bot-waddle and flipper her own brood pouch at the same time, resultantly blowing her tailfeathers to smithereens. 14. Acme has embraced a 2008 WDC Rating & Reviewing Philosophy of, "When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape."15. galinago has exclusively patented a groundbreaking Scientific Theory: "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." 16. Just MoW declares: " Bigamy means having one wife too many. Monogamy means pretty much the same thing."17. Robert Waltz  got arrested in Los Angeles last night ~ and boy, is he beat!18. ⭐Princette♥PengthuluWrites  has decided that she couldn't care less about apathy. 19. Eagle~The Cowboy's Wife has finished the First Draft of a new NOVEL !!! It's a murder mystery about a suicidal woman who accidentally kills her twin sister!10. Of Fire Born mourns Mama may never recover from the shock of learning that the Energizer Bunny was arrested last night and charged with Battery.11. Seisa-sleepingcatbooks.com  was brought before a Magistrate early this morning on charges of Kool-Aid Intoxication, Crawling with Intent to Walk, Impersonating a Human Being, and Aggravated Yahoo-ism. The judge sternly admonished her, "Madam, you've been brought here for drinking." Seisa-sleepingcatbooks.com replied, "Okay... let's get started !" 12. WDC's beloved Deelyte- Chillin' IS NO LONGER A.W.O.L. !!! MUCH to the relief of THRONGS of her friends and virtual family members here, Dee either fell or was shoved into the path of her oncoming Blog wearing nothing more than a pair of "Happy 2008 / Thursday", peek-a-boo-lace thong panties and a lopsided grin. Sources tell us that hair was decidedly spiked, sproinged, and rainbow-hued, her ears were leaking rancid champagne bubbles, and her breath, bellybutton, and/or armpits were reeking of eggnog as she incoherently mumbled something about her Grandma running over a reindeer. She then farted a massive confetti cloud and unceremoniously poofed. We still have all the windows open, and WDC should be completely aired out by morning. What a party animal! Film at eleven! |
| Out with the old year... in with the NEW !!! If you're going to celebrate and alcohol will be involved, PLEASE designate a completely sober driver who will not drink at ALL for the evening. OR, call a taxi and stay alive. Or... consider celebrating at a Hotel bar or ballroom and staying the night right there. Remember, even if your designated driver is stone cold sober, many others on the roadway will unfortunately NOT be so. Whether you're throwing a New Years party or attending one ... take every precaution to stay safe, alive, and well as 2008 takes center stage! BTW ~ there is a custom of putting a bit of money in your car before midnight on New Year's Eve, and retrieving it the following morning when you wake. They say it brings fortune in the coming New Year! I also wholly embrace the Traditional Saying for New Year's Day, " Eat pork or GET porked ". Guess it'll be ham for dinner tomorrow... *sigh *. For those who'll be sticking to home turf, WDC has quite a few activities scheduled for tonight, not the least of which will be the GP-prize-laden Games lifewriter will be Hosting in IM/Scroll chat tonight:
And here are a couple of fun New Years-themed Mad-Libs to get ya warmed up... send me your results from either one of the Mad-libs below and I'll award 5000 GPs for 1st place, 3000 GPs for 2nd, and 1000 GPs for 3rd !!!
Also courtesy of lifewriter 's Websearch prowess...post your New Years Wish on the Ball in New York City !!! http://tinyurl.com/2c5efd * RECIPE FOR THE COMING NEW YEAR * Take twelve, fine, full-grown months, see that these are thoroughly free from all old memories of bitterness, rancor, hate and jealousy; cleanse them completely of every residual spite: pick off all specks of pettiness and littleness; in short , see that these months are freed from all negative aspects of the past, rendering them as fresh and clean as when they first came from the great storehouse of Time. Cut these months into thirty or thirty-one equal parts. This batch will keep for just one year. Do not attempt to make up the whole batch at one time (so many persons spoil the entire lot in this way), but prepare one day at a time, as follows: Into each day put twelve parts of faith, eleven of patience, ten of courage, nine of of work (some people omit this ingredient and so spoil the flavor of the rest), eight of hope, seven of fidelity, six of liberality, five of kindness, four of rest (leaving this out is like leaving the oil out of the salad, don't do it), three of prayer, two of meditation, and one well selected resolution. If you have no conscientious scruples, put in about a teaspoonful of good spirits, a dash of fun, a pinch of folly, a sprinkling of play, and a heaping cupful of good humor. Pour into the whole love ad libitum and mix with vigor and vim. Cook thoroughly in a fervent heat; garnish with a few smiles and a sprig of joy; then serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness. For those who follow this recipe, a Happy New Year is certain. TOP 15 NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS FOR PETS 15. I will not eat other animals' poop. 14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop. 13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener. 10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows. 9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars. 8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds. 7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me! 6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year. 5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much. 4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post. 3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock. 2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets... 1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND ONE MAN'S RESOLUTION MODIFICATIONS THROUGH THE (NEW) YEARS RESOLUTION #1: 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year. 2001: I will read 5 books a year. 2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief 2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year. 2004: I will read at least one article this year. 2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year. RESOLUTION #2: 1999: I will get my weight down below 180. 2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2003: I will work out 5 days a week. 2004: I will work out 3 days a week. 2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week. RESOLUTION #3: 1999: I will not spend my money frivolously. 2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999. 2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000. 2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001. 2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006. RESOLUTION #4: 2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge. 2003: I will not leave Marge. 2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge. 2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda. RESOLUTION #5: 2002: I will stop looking at other women. 2003: I will not get involved with Wanda. 2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage. 2005: I will stop looking at other women. RESOLUTION #6: 2002: I will not let my boss push me around. 2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss. RESOLUTION #7: 2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness. 2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee. 2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle. 2005: I will not speak to Charlie. RESOLUTION #8: 2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 2004: I will not become a "problem drinker". 2005: I will not miss any AA meetings. RESOLUTION #9: 2002: I will see my dentist this year. 2003: I will have my cavities filled this year. 2004: I will have my root canal work done this year. 2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year. RESOLUTION #10: 2002: I will go to church every Sunday. 2003: I will go to church as often as possible. 2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV. LESS DIFICULT TO ADHERE TO NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point: 1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. 4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. 6. Drink. Drink some more. 7. Take up a new habit: smoking. 8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night. 9. Spend more time at work. 10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine. 11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 12. Quit giving money & time to charity. 14. Start being superstitious. 15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words. 17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 18. Personal goal: bring back disco. " ON THE TABLE " He laid her on the table, so white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast, then drooling, felt her thigh; the slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide...he looked inside... all was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms and then he stuffed the turkey. SUGGESTED BUMPER STICKER / TEE-SHIRT/ LIFE PHILOSOPHY SENTIMENT FOR 2008 4 out of 5 voices in my head say "Go For It ! " A hundred thousand sperm... and you were the fastest? A real gentleman/lady wouldn't stare at my stickers. Answer my prayer ~ steal this car! As a matter of fact, I do own the road. Back Off ! I'm a Postal Worker !!! Back off ! I'm not that kind of car !!! Beat rush hour; leave work at noon. Bipartisanship: I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass. CAUTION! - Driver legally blonde! CAUTION! I can go from 0 to BITCH in 2.5 seconds. Clear the road... I'm SIXTEEN ! Come The Rapture Can I Have Your Car? Cover me! I'm changing lanes! Daddy farted and we can't get out!! Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? Don't assume I'm not into cheap meaningless sex Don't follow me. I'm lost, too. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. Don't worry…it's only kinky the first time. Driver carries no cash. He's married. Forget About World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink). Get off my ass before I start to like it! God is Coming and She is PISSED God was my co-pilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat Him. Heavily medicated for your safety. Hello, officer, put it on my tab. Help! I Farted and can't roll down my windows! Horn Broken Watch for Finger I'm a nice guy/gal. My car is evil. I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work. I'm only driving this way to piss you off. I'm Out of Estrogen And I Have a Gun I'm looking for the right pedestrian to run over. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. I'm Not Losing Hair... I'm Getting Head I'm not playing with myself, I'm just adjusting my jewelery. I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want? I am not a bum. My wife works! I brake suddenly for tailgaters I don't care. I don't have to. I gave up drinking, smoking, and sex... worst 15 minutes of my life I got a gun for my wife/husband... best trade I ever made. I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it. I have a nice body. It's in my trunk. I have good Brakes, Do you have GOOD Insurance? I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere. I is a college student. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. I may be a Cruel and Heartless Bitch but I'm damn good at it I may be slow but I'm ahead of you! I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? I respect your opinion... I jJust don't want to hear it! I still have the body of an 18 year old, but it's in my trunk and it's starting to smell I Still Miss My "Ex" But My Aim Is Improving I suffer from C.R.S. (can't remember shit) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. I want to be just like Barbie...that BITCH has everything! I Wasn't Born A Bitch ~ Men Like You Make Me That Way If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane! If I wanted to hear from an asshole I'd fart. If this car is being driven courteously it's been stolen. If we call it tourist season why can't we shoot them? If You Are Born Again Do You Have Two Belly Buttons ? If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass! If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my Stickers! Invest in America. Buy a Congressman! It's time to pull over and change the air in your head! It sucks to be a man in a lesbian's body. Jesus is coming... look busy. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control! Lord give me patience... But Hurry! Make It Idiot-Proof ...and Someone Will Make a Better Idiot Men are Idiots and I married their King My daughter turned down your honor student! My Goddess Gave Birth To Your God My other bumper sticker is funny. My other car is a broom. My other car is also a piece of junk Of All The Things I've Lost in Life, I Miss My Mind The Most Out of my mind (back in 5 minutes). Pissing off the whole planet one person at a time Politicians & Diapers need to be changed... often for the same reason Practice Safe Sex... Go Screw Yourself Sex is my religion.. let us pray! So many pedestrians. So little time! Somewhere in Texas there's a village missing an idiot Sorry if I look interested, I'm not! THE EARTH IS FULL... GO HOME. Think this looks bad? You should see the front. This Is Not An Abandoned Vehicle Why Are You Staring At My Bumper, you Pervert! Work harder!! Millions on welfare are depending on you! Yes, This Is My Truck. No, I Won't Help You Move Your child may be an Honors Student, but You're still an idiot. YOU SAY I'M A BITCH LIKE IT'S A BAD THING... Watch out for the idiot behind me! Moooooove, I'm trying to speed! If you're rich, I’m single! 0-60 in 15 minutes! A clean car is a sign of a sick mind. 100% Irony Free Adrenalin is my drug of choice. Adults are just kids with money. Baby on bored . HOME SCHOOL. Smarter than ever. I talk to strangers I Think Feminists Are Cute! Keep honking, I'm reloading! Pain is inevitable, misery is optional. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. Tennis players have fuzzy balls. Your honor student deals the best drugs. The fastest way to a fisherman's heart is through his fly Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth! Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car I break for........................OH SHIT, NO BRAKES !!! There are 2 types of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Learn from your parent’s mistakes... use birth control He who laughs last thinks slowest. All men are idiots and I married their king. Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body. Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up. Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!! Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait! Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young We're not old people... we're recycled teenagers! IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN YOUR TURN SIGNAL IS STILL ON IT'S IMPOLITE TO STARE U.S.M.C.: UNCLE SAMS MISGUIDED CHILDREN Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking? I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me that way. I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want? They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass! (Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough. And I should care, why? 100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest? 186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law! 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. 7 days without Jesus makes one weak A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night A fool and his money are a girl's best friend. A Mouse Is An Elephant Built By The Japanese A nuclear war can ruin your whole day . A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Age is a high price to pay for maturity Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. All generalizations are false. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets All Men Are Idiots... And I Married Their King. All my drinking buddies have a racing problem. All stressed out and nobody to choke! All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM! Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education. Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer. Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It Are you following Jesus this close? As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools. Ask me about my vow of silence. Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk Ax Me About Ebonics Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse? BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!! BARBIE AIN'T HERE!. Be Human. Be nice; society already sucks. Be nice to your kids; they'll be choosing your nursing home. Be the kind of friend you'd want. Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them. Beam me up, Jesus. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865. Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore. Beer: making woman look better since 1965. Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare! Behind every successful man there is a woman; behind every unsuccessful man there are two. Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking. Bite Me! Black holes are where God divided by zero. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused. Blondes Tease....Brunettes Please.... Blow your nose, your horn works fine. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel Boldly Going Nowhere BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up! BooYah! Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead. Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS But I Just Can’t Get My Head That Far Up My Ass Can I pay my Visa with my MasterCard? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!! ?? Can't Feed 'Em? Don't Breed Em' ! Careful, I’m not wearing clean underwear ! Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS. CAUTION! I drive like you do! Caution: I brake for no apparent reason. CAUTION: This car will be left behind during the Rapture. Change a life; make someone feel important. Change is good...you go first! Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine Chemistry Professors Never Die, They Just Smell That Way! Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous. Chuck you, Farley! You ain't so muckin' fuch! Go in yer own jack yard and back off !!! Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult Clones are people 2 Coffee, Chocolate, Men... some things are just better rich. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage Conceive. Believe. Achieve. Condoms are easier to change than diapers! Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. Confucious say "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot." Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Conserve toilet paper - use both sides. Conserve water - Shower with a friend Constipated People Don't Give A Shit. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass? Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers DANGER: I drive like you do! DARE to keep cops off doughnuts. DARE to keep the CIA off drugs. Dear Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. ~Dorothy Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Death is life's way of telling you you're fired. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Death is the consequence of being alive. Deep down, divers care. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? DETEST-de stuff de teacher gives de students when ya expect it de least!!! Dewey, Skrewem, & Howe (attorneys at law) Did you check if your horn works? Did you just fart or did you always smell that way? Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. Diplomacy is telling someone to go to Hell and making them look forward to the trip. Disappointed? Too bad! Divers get more tail. Do I look like a freakin' People Person? Do not believe in miracles ~ rely on them. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. Do not play a leap frog with a unicorn. Do not put a question mark where God put a period. Do they ever shut up on your planet? Do unto others before they do unto you. Do Vegetarians eat animal crackers? Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that. Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell? D'oh! Don’t Drink And Drive...You Might Hit A Bump And Spill Your Drink. Don’t Piss Me Off ! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies. Don’t Take Life Too Seriously; You Won’t Get Out Alive Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. Don't believe everything you think. Don't come knocking if the minivan's rocking. Don't drink and park - accidents cause people. Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim. Don't f*** with my head and I won't think with my dick! Don't Follow me... I'm LOST !!! Don't judge a book by its movie. Don't laugh, it's paid for. Don't laugh; your daughter may be in back. Don't let schooling get in the way of your education. Don't make me go Mideivil you. Don't miss heaven for the world. Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it! Don't rub the lamp unless you're ready for the genie. Don't steal. The government hates competition. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. Don't wish for it...work for it. Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway. DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT! Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION. Due to budget cuts, the light at end of tunnel is out out. Dyslexics Have More Fnu. Dyslexics of the world, untie! E. coli Happens Eagles Don't Flock. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. EARTH FIRST ~ We'll log the other planets on later. Earth first... We'll stripmine the other planets later. Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Editing Is A Rewording Activity Elvis has left the planet. Elvis Is Dead And I’m Not Feeling Too Good Myself Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery Enjoy life; it's not a dress rehearsal. Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be ESCHEW OBFUSCATION ! Ever Stop To Think... And Forget To Start Again? Every silver lining has a cloud. Every thing is on loan from the government until you can't pay your taxes. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion Everything I need to know I learned in prison Everything is possible, just not too probable. Everything Is Somewhere. Everytime you speak you make someone dumber for listening to you. F U Cn Rd Ths U Cnt Spl Wrth A Dm! Faster than a speeding ticket. Fat people are hard to kidnap. Few women admit their age, few men act it. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering... Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. Flies spread disease, keep yours closed ! FLORIDA: Home of Electile Dysfunction FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive. FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, And Revote. FLORIDA: We count more than you do. FLORIDA: We're number one ! Wait ! Recount ! FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts. FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA -- AND STEP ON IT !! Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear. For a small town, this one sure has a lot of assholes! For him to get an idea, would require a surgical procedure. Forbidden fruits create many jams. Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! Friends don't let friends drive naked!! Friends don't let friends miss out on Heaven. Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies. Get over it! Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt. GIMMIEABREAK! Give blood and you too can get a free bumper sticker. Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. Go Braless! It will pull the wrinkles from your face. Go On, I'll See You At The Next Light. God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called. God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!" God must love stupid people...he made so many! God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts. Got Brains? Got Goth? Gravity always gets me down. Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks. Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Grow Your Own Dope, Plant A Man Growing old is inevitable...Growing up is optional. Gun control is a steady hand. Gun control today, Total control tomorrow. Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do. Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge HANG-UP & DRIVE !!! Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!!! Have a nice day... somewhere else. Have you bitch-slapped a televangilist today? Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?? Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it? Have you seen Elvis? 1-800-GET-A-LIFE. HE IS ABLE WHO THINKS HE IS ABLE! HE WHO ANGERS YOU, CONQUERS YOU. He who farts in church sits on his own pew. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit He who laughs last thinks slowest. He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends. Heck is for people that don't believe in Gosh. Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy Help starve a feeding bureaucrat. HELP, I'M LOST AND CAN'T FIND MY BEER ! Hey dumb ass, I bought my own car, not mommy and daddy! Hey idiot... you're driving a car, not a phone booth Hey man, you live in America now... speak Spanish! High beams were made to piss people off! Hogwarts Dropout Honk If Anything Falls Off Honk if I'm Jesus! Honk if you're blond. Honk if you hate noise pollution! Honk if you haven't slept with Britney. Honk if you love boy bands. Then drive into a tree. HONK IF YOU LOVE GORE (use the button on your steering wheel) Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet Honk if you love peace and quiet. Honk If You Want To See My Finger Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window Hope dies last! Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger. House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days. Housework makes women ugly. How about never? is never good for you? How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away? How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost? How may i ignore you today? How's my driving? Dial 1-800-YOU-SUCK huked on foniks werkd fer me Humpty-Dumpty was pushed! I admire gay men, they leave more women for me! I almost had a psychic girlfriend ,but she left me before we met. I am not speeding, I'm qualifying. I am overjoyed with whelm! I am represented by the Law Firm of Dewey, Chedum, and Howe. I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean. I believe the Internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice. I Brake For No Apparent Reason. I brake for…wait…AAAH!…NO BRAKES!!!!! I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds. I can handle pain until it hurts. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day, and tomorrow doesn't look good either. I can resist everything except temptation. I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean my guns. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a Vegetarian. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To I do work for food. I Don’t Have To Be Dead To Donate My Organ. I don't do decaf I don't do mornings. I don't do requests. I DON'T DRINK; IT DULLS THE DRUGS. I don't drive fast... I fly low. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. I don't have a license to kill, I have a learner's permit. I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference. I don't repeat gossip if there's no one there to hear it. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it! I drank what? I Drive Like This To Piss You Off I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I Feel Like I’m Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe I fish, therefore, I lie. I gave up drugs, sex and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life. I Get Enough Exercise Just Pushin’ My Luck I Got A Gun For My Husband/Wife; Best Trade I Ever Made. I got this car for my husband/ wife...not a bad trade. I hate bumper stickers! I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane. I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it. I have BAD P.M.S. and GOOD BRAKES.... you must be feeling very lucky today. I have no desire for money. Its stuff that I want. I have P.M.S. and a handgun. Any Questions?? I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha I intend to live forever - so far, so good. I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00 I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Was Unfamiliar Territory I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. I just love nonverbal communication! I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know. I Know What You’re Thinking And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself. I know...I know...pull over. I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!! This was better than any diet I've ever been on. I left the womb for this? I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles. I love my country but fear my government. I love my job...shoot me now! I Love Uranus. I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!. I may be slow; but I'm ahead of you. I may have P.M.S., but you're still a dick!! I miss my husband/wife, but my aim's improving. I Must Be A Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes I must hurry, for there they go and I'm their leader. I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad? I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go. I press charges I pretend to work; they pretend to pay me! I put in contacts for this? I see dumb people. "I should never have invented the electoral college." ~ Al Gore i souport publik edekasion I swerve for cats. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. I think your hard drive has a slipped disk. I think, therefore I'm dangerous I took a pain pill. Why are you still here? I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I tried being normal once ....I didn't like it. I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke. I used to have an open mind,but my brains kept falling out. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. I used up all my sick days,so I called in dead. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.... I WANT YOU... to stay far away from me. I was an atheist 'til I realized I was GOD. I Was Born Brilliant; Education Ruined Me I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive, but suicide is a crime! I Wish I Was Barbie. That bitch has EVERYTHING. Glow worms are never glum, because how could you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum? I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges? I wonder if you would drive well if that cell phone were up your ass. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. I’m insured by the Mafia: you hit me and we'll hit you. I’m Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off. I’m Not A Complete Idiot; Some Parts Are Missing. I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed – What More Do You Want? I'd love to trade caller I.D. for "Caller I.Q." I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. I'd rather be fishing! Idiots surround me! If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If George W. Bush is the Answer, it must have been a stupid question. If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. If God intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat? If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. If it ain't broken ~ fix it 'til it is. If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. If it is a man made world, why can't we remake it? If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ. IF ITS TOO LOUD, YOU'RE TOO OLD ! If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them? If life hands you a lemon, stuff your bra with it. If life is just a game then I must have missed the kickoff. If life's an idiot then you must the god. If love is blind why is lingerie so popular? If my car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it. If something goes without saying - LET IT! If the company's name is YELLOW, why are the trucks painted ORANGE? If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy. If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. If you're reading this, you're reading off a gay internet site... If you can do the time, you can do the crime. If you can read this bumper sticker you're following too close. If you can read this, I can deploy your air bag!!! If you can read this I've lost my caravan. If you can read this sign you must be a Florida Republican. If you can read this you're in range.,, If you can read this, I am parked. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. If you can read this, roll me over. If you can read this, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!! If you can read this,you were hooked on phonics once... If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE, TAKE A HIKE ! If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers! If you don't like the news, go out and make some. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People. If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack. If you get any closer I'll fart! If you have something to say, raise your hand. and place it over your mouth. If you smoke after sex... you're f***ing too fast. If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother If you think the car is dirty you should spend a night with the driver! If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...you're aiming too high. If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week! If you understand something today, it must be obsolete. If you write "WASH ME" on my truck, I'll carve "RECESSITATE ME" on your chest!!! If your gonna be a turd, then go lie out in the yard. If your ship hasn't come in...swim out to it! If your stupid and you know it, honk your horn. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. I'll not stop. Illiterate? Write For Free Help. I'm a member of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. Keep honking... I'm reloading. I'm against abortion because I was once a fetus. I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower. I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps. I'm back by popular demand. I'm feeling uppity. I'm leaving my body to science fiction I'm looking forward to regretting this! I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused. I'm not as dumb as you look. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. I'm not driving fast-just flying low. I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth. I'm not really a driver, I just play one on TV. Im not tailgating; I'm just tring to keep my bumper on. I'm not your monkey! I'm objective; I object to everything. I'm only a hypochondriac when I feel sick. I'm only driving this way to piss you off. I'm only here to ANNOY!! I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? I'm serious; it was a joke. I'm so hungry, I'm farting fresh air. I'm the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from. I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass. I'm with the band. Impeach President Bush and her husband, too. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". In God we trust; all others pay cash. In theory, everything works. Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere. Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids! Instead of concentrating on this bumper sticker, maybe you should be concentrating on the road! IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got. It could be worse. What if sex was fattening? It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature. It IS as bad as you think... they ARE out to get you! It takes a Viking to raze a village. It took 40 years to make me look this good. It’s been one of those days all week It’s Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better. It's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse. It's all a pigment of your hallucination. Its all fun and games until someone loses a Fallopian tbe/teste Its always too early to quit. It's bad luck to be superstitious. It's been Monday all week. It's easier to child-proof your gun than to bullet-proof your child. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. Its not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't wanna be there when it happens. It's not the size of the boat that matters; it's the motion in the ocean. It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog! It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain. I've been dieting for the past month, but all I lost was 31 days!! I've forgotten more than I've ever learned I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway. I've lost my phone number - can I have yours? I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met. I've upped my standards, now up yours! Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy! Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks you're an asshole. Jesus saves lives and them redeems them for valuable prizes. Jesus Saves… He Passes It To Gretzky… He Shoots… He Scores! Join the IRS (Be audit you can be) Judge me all you want... just keep the verdict to yourself! Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way. Just say NO to sex with pro-lifers. Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans. Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause kids. Kiss me, I'm toxic. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Laugh and the world laughs with you ~ cry and the world laughs at you. Learn from your parent's mistakes... use birth control! Lets get along with me. Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it. Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging. Life is a lesson you'll learn when you're through. Life is a terminal disease. Life is not a garden, so quit being a hoe! Life is too complicated in the morning. Life isn't weird; it's the people in it. Life may suck, but it beats the alternative. Life Sucks. and it leaves some mean hickies Life is a big shit sandwich, and every day they make you take another bite. Life's a beach, and then you drown. Life's a bitch and then you die. Life's a garden, dig it. Life's expensive; drive defensive. Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women. Life's way too short to stay on topic Listen to the silence!! Live as long as you like. It won't shorten how long you're dead. Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse behind. Live long enough to be a problem to your kids. Look before you open your eyes. Look out! Behind you! Lord, please save me from Your followers. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Love for all, Hatred for none Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand. LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer! Mean people suck. Men are like outhouse's, always taken or full of shit! Men are like roses, watch out for all of the pricks. Men are proof that women have a sense of humor. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open. Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you they can't laugh either. Mistakes are proof that you are trying. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch Montana --- At least our cows are sane! The more people I meet, the better I like my dog.... Most Americans have Faith... You can tell by the Way They Drive Most people plan to serve God at 11:00 and die at 10:30! Musicians Duet Better My boss is like a diaper, full of shit and always on my ass! My boss treats me like a mushroom; He feeds me shit, and keeps me in the dark. My child beat up your honor student! My child is an honor student at the state penitentiary. My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test. My child was Imate of the Mnth at the County Jail. My favorite color is chocolate. My God can beat up your God. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. My IQ came back negative! My karma ran over your dogma. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. My Kid Had Sex With Your Honor Student My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. My other auto is a 9MM. My other car is a piece of shit. My other car sticker is funny. My other ride is your mom My other toy has tits. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! My Reality Check Just Bounced My son can kick your son's honor student butt. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that. My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her. My wife said if I watch one more Yankees game she is leaving. God I'll miss her. National Atheist's Day April 1 Never cut what you can untie. Never eat more than you can lift. Never judge a girl by her bumper sticker. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. No glove no love. No matter how bad it gets, It can always get worse. No matter where you go; you're there. No prohibiting allowed! No Radio - Already Stolen! No Sense Being Pessimistic. It Wouldn’t Work Anyway No soup for you.. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody. Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! Non-Partisan. Non-Republican. Not a RULES type of girl. Not all who wander are lost. Not Screaming And Yelling Like The Passengers In His Car Nothing Is Foolproof To A Sufficiently-Talented Fool Nothing is illegal until you get caught. Nothing is impossible to the person that doesn't have to do it. Now That You Are Kissing My Bumper... Wanna Get Married?!?!?! Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Oh look! just 2,852,677 more days 'til; I start caring what you think! Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers One more repo and I’ll be debt free! Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out. Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes Overdrawn? But I still have checks left Overpopulation... too much of a good thing. Pardon My Driving. I’m Reloading Park in rear Pay good teachers good money People before profits! People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do. Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more. Please don't hit me; I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point. Please! Do not feed the ego! Pol-I-Tics: "poli" meaning 'many, "tics" being small blood sucking parasites. Practice safe government... use kingdoms. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Proud mother of a delinquent child! Pull my finger. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Quiet,brain, or I'll poke you with another Q-tip!!! Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Rap Is To Music What Etch-A-Sketch Is To Art Real women don't have hot flashes; they have power surges. Reality Is A Crutch For People Who Can’t Handle Drugs. Reality is a figment of your imagination. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there. RECYCLE YOUR ANIMALS Rehab is for quitters. RELISH TODAY...KETCHEUP TOMORROW Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 MPH Are Also Timed For 70 MPH. Remember My Name ~You’ll Be Screaming It Later Remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Repetition is always better the second time. S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks S.C.A.R.Y. (Southern Citizens Advocating the Relocation of Yankees) S.O.B.E.R. - Sick Of Banning Everyone's Rights Santa’s Elves Are Just A Bunch Of Subordinate Clauses Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. Save on gas; go fart in a jar. Save Your Breath – You’ll Need It To Blow Up Your Date! Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It! Scixelsyd Etinu (backward) Screw you guys, I'm going home! Seen It All, Done It All, Can’t Remember Most Of It Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." Sex is a misdemeanor . . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!! She’s Always Late. Her Ancestors Arrived On The June Flower Sheesh! Short Chicks rock! Simplify Slow thinkers keep right. Smile and the world smiles with you, Fart and you stand alone. Smile. It’s The Second Best Thing You Can Do With Your Lips. Smile.........show off your teeth. SNIPER BAR & GRILL: All you need is one shot! So Many Pedestrians ~ So Little Time So you're a feminist ~ isn't that cute! Some have morals; some don't, and most simply ignore them. Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal To Kill Them Someday your prince will come... mine took a wrong turn, got lost,& is too stubborn to ask for directions. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him/her sleep!! Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Sorry, you are not a winner. Try again in the Speed Round. Spank Me! Spare the fenders, save the trees, give the sober friend the keys. Stop global whining. Stop Reading My Bumper Stickers and watch the road ! Stop repeat offenders... don't re-elect them! Stress is when you wake up screaming... and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Stupid is as stupid does. Stupid should hurt ! Stupidity should be punished. Suburbia: Where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them. Suicide is away of telling God, "You can't fire me, I quit !!! " Super Bowl is french for sitting on your ass and getting fat. Support a cause! Stop plate tectonics! Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have. Support publik edekasion Support yogurt; it's the only culture some people have. T.G.I.F.: Thank God I'm Female. Take me drunk, I'm home. Talk only if you can improve on the silence. Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either! Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun. Tell me to 'Stuff It' ~ I'm a taxidermist. Thank You...YOU MAY GO!! Thanks for being a contestant... try again in the Speed Round That’s all I'm saying and I ain't saying no more. The American Dream is a chicken in every pot. Why did we elect a chicken that smoked pot? Random beatings will continue until employee morale improves. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG!, it Happened. The buck doesn't even slow down here. The Earth Is Full ~ Go Home. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name The gene pool could use a little chlorine. The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam. The horn blows... does the driver ? The hurrier I go, the behinder I get. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train. The meek will Internet the world. The more I learn, the less I understand. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. The More You Complain, The Longer God Makes You Live. The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions. The princess is in. The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography The Second Place Is The First Loser. The Sex Was So Good... Even The Neighbors Had A Cigarette. The sky is always bluer at the top of the windshield. The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. The squeaky wheel is often replaced. The world is coming to an end. Please log off. There are only three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't. There are only two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead !!! There are only two things in life you can count on: Death and Texas. There are two kinds of drivers; those who make dust and those who eat it.. There is no shortcut to anywhere worth going. They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine. They told me I was gullible... and I believed them. They told me I was gullible...then they took it out of the dictionary. They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES! THIMK ! This car is constipated: hasn't passed a thing all day! This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron. This car is protected by an anti-theft sticker! This is not an abandoned car. This is the rebel base. This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet.. This vehicle insured by Smith and Wesson. This was better than any diet I've ever been on. This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me Those Who Live By The Sword Get Shot By Those Who Don’t Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately. it kills all its students. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. To all you virgins; thanks for nothing ! To be loved, be lovable. To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid. To err is human; to forgive is not Company Policy. To you it's a six-pack; to me it's a support group. Today's subliminal message is: ( ) Too many freaks, not enough circus's! Try it sober! Turn Signals: Not just for smart people anymore. Trunk Monkies on Board Unless You're A Hemorrhoid, STAY OFF MY ASS! Unlike online, in reality, you can’t hit the Back button. Vegetarian: Native American Indian word for BAD HUNTER! Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Up My Clothes. Visualize pureed peas Want to be somebody? Don't drive after drinking. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR. WARNING: mental backup in progress. Was today really necessary? WATCH OUT ! COMING THROUGH ! We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. We're having EVER so much fun! We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. We are the people our parents warned us about. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? Welcome to California. Now go home! Welcome to reality...come again soon. Welcome To Shit Creek – Sorry, We’re Out Of Paddles Well, isn't that special ! What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What if the Hokey Pokey really is what its all about? What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions? What is this, BIZARROLAND?? What part of http://www.getalife.com do you not understand? WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO! What would Xena Do? What you don't do is always more important than what you do do. What, are you stuck on stupid? Whatever! When all else fails, lower your standards. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING. When I die, bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass. When I married 'Mr. Right,' I didn't know his first name was 'Always.' When I want your opinion I'll beat it out of you. When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. When life is bad...keep your head up, that way you don't see all the shit you've stepped in. When The Chips Are Down, The Buffalo Is Empty When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? Where in the nursery rhyme does say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg? Where is this porn? Where There’s A Will, I’m In The Way. Where there's a will there's a BEER! Where there's a will, I want to be in it! Which came first, the woman or the Department Store? Who are these kids and why are they calling me MOM? Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Who needs this crap? Who put a stop payment on my reality check? Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? Who's Your Daddy? Why am I so thirsty when I drank so much last night? Why are girls that way? Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Why be normal? Why can't women learn to put the toilet seat back up? Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on stage. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Why do they call it a bumper if your not going to use it? Why do we believe everything we see in newspapers but question what the Bible says? Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? WHY ME? Wink, I'll do the rest! Without pain and suffering you have no choice! Women are born leaders, LOOK... you're following one now! Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems? Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley. Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Own The Whole Damn Road! Yesterday I knew nothing; today I know that. You ain't seen nothin' yet... You're Depriving Some Village Of Its Idiot You're driving to close ~ I can see your bald spot. YOU ARE HERE! You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. You are right where you belong, behind me! You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch. You can't be late until you show up. You get all this and my dads loaded. You have been a naughty boy, go to my room! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. You Have The Right To Remain Silent. Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted & Used Against You You have to be really secure to be seen in this car. You just lived your best moment, now GO live another! You know your getting older when Happy Hour is a nap. You went on vacation and all i got was this stupid bumper sticker? You! Out Of The Gene Pool! YOU! Out of the gene pool. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Only Speak To Me Your Child May Be An Honor Student, But You’re Still An Asshole Your lucky color has faded. Your such a Muggle! Your village called, their idiot is missing. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. You're not the boss of me! |
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