%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  My life in a nutshell. |
|
In here you will find many things that may shock and amaze you. There are other things you may find that will knock your socks off. All in all I am sure you will get something out of this. Damiana |
I came across this song today by Travis Tritt and it says all I want it to say. This is for Ruthann... Only you can make this world seem right Only you can make the darkness bright Only you and you alone can thrill me like you do And fill my heart with love for only you... Only you can make this change in me For it's true you are my destiny When you hold my hand... I understand...the magic that you do You're my dream come true... My one and only you... |
| I just re-read the letter Ruthann wrote me and left in my desk. I am on the verge of panic thinking I may never get to speak to her or be with her again. Almost the same kind of panic and terror I felt the night I got arrested when I saw someone's name on her facebook. I freaked the fuck out. I got so scared that she was going to leave me for her. I know that would never happen but I wasn't in my right mind. I am so sorry for what I did. Ruthann is the love of my life and if I ever get the chance to tell her I will. No one can take her place in my heart. NO ONE! I love you baby... |
| The days of summer are going by so fast. I didn't think I would be spending them the way I am. I keep myself busy throughout the day but I am always thinking about Ruthann. I wish could hear her giggle the way she does when I bury my face in her neck. I long to breath in her scent when she is wearing her pefume. I want to wrap myself in her arms and never let go. I love her so much. I will never stop. She is the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. She will be forever and always my schmoopsipoo... |
| I am in the new house now and I just got the internet yesterday. I am not happy and I don't think I will be. My heart bleeds for Ruthann. I can't stop thinking about her. I want to talk to her so much and hold her. I want to let her know how sorry I am for what I did. I am so miserable without her. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone. I am dying without her. I feel so empty. Life without her is unbearable. I have to go for now. |
| Those of you who have kept up with my blog or have seen my posts in scroll know that my oldest daughter was leaving to go to Alberta this morning. I had planned on seeing her off at the airport but that's when all hell broke loose. The ex had been good about me spending time with Shania this week. She had been here since her hospital visit earlier in the week. Last night she wanted to go to my sister's and sleep over. The ex had brought her in more clothes and all was good until 4 am. He showed up at 4am to pick Alicia up to go to the airport. He asked where Shania was because she needed to go with him. I asked why and he just said I need to talk to her. I told him she was at my sisters and was going to stay the weekend. We got in the car heading to the airport. He stopped at the store to call her, where he got out of the car. I don't know what he said to her but the next thing I know she is telling me on the phone she is going with her dad. I flipped. I told him to let me out of the car. I ran home an called Shania. I asked her what he said and she refused to tell me. She said, "I just want to go with my dad." I took a cab to my sisters to get her. Once we got home she turned on me like never before. She ran around outside screaming, "I hate you, I want my dad someone help me." Each time I got her in the house she ran out the other door. She did this a few times. When she finally stayed in that's when I took a beating; literally and verbally. I am going to list what she said and did. I hope you guys are sitting down when you read this. Oh, remember she is 11. I fucking hate you! I don't want to live here anymore. You're a stupid bitch, you abuse us. I will never come back and live here I wish you would die. I am going to get someone to shoot you in your temple and blow your head off. If you hit me I am telling Children's Aid. Your fucking mental and I will lie to the courts so I dont have to live here. You chose Ruthann over your kids. I want you to burn in hell. I would rather live in a fucking foster home than with you. She told Ruthann she will cut her throat and kill her cat. This is just a sample of her rantings. She also: Kicked me in the gut, the face the chest Scratched me Pinched me Bit my arm Bent my fingernails so they broke Spit on the floor Knocked plants over Threw things at me. Are you appalled? Then the cops show up at my door. I knew they would because of her antics outside. I gave them the whole story right from the beginning including why they were staying with dad. The whole time they were here she kept screaming at me about how she didn't like me anymore and wanted her dad. She told them she hated Ruthann so they asked her why. She couldn't give them a real answer. It was "Just cause I do." There were two officers but only one spoke. He was a prick. He told me that since I can't control my children, (her running outside) Child Services would be notified. I told him that wasn't fair. I did everything I could. He wouldn't hear it. He told Shania that if she didn't shut her mouth and go to bed she wouldn't be living with either of us. He told her to go to bed or she was going with him and be turned over to Child Services. She stomped up the stairs. He continued to lecture me saying he wasn't casting blame. My youngest had commented when they first came in that she had been up all night. I explained that we were going to the airport with the oldest. He even went so far in saying that it wasn't right and not normal for us to have done that. I couldn't believe my ears. They left and I cried and cried and cried until there were no more tears. I let her go with her father because I couldn't take any more abuse. Before she went with him and the whole time she was here over the past few days she was my little girl. Full of hugs and kisses and "I love you mom's." The child that left this morning was someone I don't know and rather not ever meet again. I got a few hours sleep only from pure exhaustion. As I sit here writing this I am nauseous having to relive it. I have a head ache and my heart is broken. So now I wait once again for my life to be put under the microscope and the shame that comes along with it. |
| Ever since I moved into this fucking house I have had nothing but problems. The neighbors hate me and have reported me for not having the lawn mowed, for having garbage in my yard waiting to be put out, now it's my animals. The fucking miserable bitch next door had animal control come to my door about a cat shitting on her property. Of course this wouldn't be any of the other fucking cats roaming the neighborhood...IT WAS MINE! If one of mine did it, all she had to do was come over and talk to Ruthann, she won't even speak to me, and I would have taken care of it. At this point, I even accused Ruthann of putting her up to it because she doesn't want my animals here. Hell she doesn't even want my kids around. I am so fucking angry I could chew nails. I told Ruthann she could thank the bitch next door for me leaving. I can't handle this shit. I am unstable enough as it is. Shania has been here for almost 3 days now but if something doesn't go her way she threatens to call dad to come and get her. The oldest, who I have been riding since she got the rabbits, to come and take care of them, is fucking off to Alberta with her bitch of a sister. She is on bed rest and needs help. Well too fucking bad for you! You damn well shouldn't be on your second child at 17!!!!! I feel nothing right now but anger and contempt. I feel like smashing everything in sight. I already cut my leg but the scissors weren't sharp enough. I don't even know why I bother to go on. Life is nothing but a fucking misery. |
| Have you ever had anyone crush you with only a few words? I did just a few minutes ago and I am so hurt. I don't even know what to say right now. I have never been made to feel more inadequate in my life. I can't even see through the tears to write any more... |
| My moods are all over the placs these days. I can't seem to keep then under control. One minute I am crying, the next I could be smashing something. Rarely do I find myself in a good mood. I was yesterday because I saw my kids and made some awesome graphics (someone else's desription). Today and I feeling blah. One of those I don't really give a shit days. Money is a major concern for me now and I don't see a remedy for that on the horizon. I have some things to get caught up on here so I will immerse myself in that today. I feel very tired and don't actually want to do anything but sleep. This is a good avoidance tactic I use. I am trying to break that habit. I'll see where I get today. Lisa |
| Well, it's 4:49 am and I can't sleep. Pretty common these days. Since my ex decided he wasn't bringing my kids home, I have been losing valuable sleep. I try, but as soon as my mind is not occupied, all I do is cry. That's why you have seen me on here non-stop over the past few days. The only way I can sleep is if I completely wear myself out by staying up for a few days. I am sick again too. My title for this entry seemed fitting for me this morning. I have been thinking about all of the stupid things I have done in my life, the guilt I carry with me every day and the regrets I have for not making better choices. If I could only turn back time. Right now I am cursing myself for being sick. Mentally sick. It has fucked up my life to the point where I don't know how to get it back. I have been to therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists even an intensive day treatment program. Yet I still suffer. And as long as I have these issues I have no chance in hell to get my kids back. He won't even let me see them. I don't know how I am going to get through this. I should have never called the police on my son for hitting me. I wouldn't be in this mess otherwise. I am having so many bad thoughts right now. I need to be punished for failing my children. Everything that has happened to them is my fault. I am so fucking stupid! I should have done more for them. Been able to control my self when they got out of hand. But I was, and still am so overwhelmed! I don't know which way to turn. I miss them SO much!!! I can barely even see to type I am crying so hard. What am I going to do? |
| My ex is giving me a hard time about bringing the kids home. He is flat out refusing even though I have a court order that states I have custody. He is using Shania and the fact that she doesn't want to come home as leverage. He said his lawyer informed him that if the child doesn't want to come home and I forceably make her, I am digging myself into a big hole. This is pure bullshit! I was told that when I wanted my kids back all I had to do was tell him and he was to bring them back right away. He does't seem to think that my custody agreement still stands. He feels that because I allowed the children to stay with him, I relinquished my rights as custodial parent. I didn't because I didn't sign anything and we were both told by the Child Protection worker it was a private arrangement. He even went so far as to make Shania call me and tell me she wasn't coming home. That if she didn't want to she didn't have to. That is also not true. She is 11 yrs old and does not have the right to decide where she lives. I don't feel safe right now but I can't jeopardize losing my children for good. I am so fucking pissed off that he is doing this to me. I don't understand it. He his biding his time hoping that I will snap and he'll something else to use against me. Well that's not going to happen. As soon as the courts open on Tuesday I will be there. I will let them know he violated a court order and have my custody agreement amended. I am not going down without a fight. |
| Boy oh boy do I have a lot to say today!!! Today I found out that my ex that was living with me can be a venditive prick. Here we are with a private arrangement for him to keep the kids until the end of the school yr. This arrangement was made the second week of May due to the issues with Eric's temper and agression; and my inability to cope. He had called me around the end of May and asked me if I would sign over the money I get for the kids each month to him. I told him "NO" because the son of a bitch owes ME over 3K in child support. SO, I found out today that he reported me to the Child Tax Benefit office for not having 2 of my kids in May and June. I hit the fucking roof!!! I am still providing for my children as they visit every second weekend and I, pay for their medical!!! Eric's drug costs alone are over $400 per month. My first inclination was to cut. Which I do have two small marks, but then the anger really took over and I have very bruised knuckles on my right hand. After I calmed down which I had to do because any more trips to the nuthouse for me would not be in my favor. I called him and asked why he would so such a thing. The fucker denied it. I told him I wanted my kids returned to me on Saturday. I then called our local child support program to re-enroll and take the bastard for all he is worth. I phoned our Supreme Court Family Division to get a copy of my custody order... CERTIFIED no less! Now if the fucker wants to play hard ball it is going to be by MY terms. If my kids are not returned to me, I will call the police with MY custody agreement in my hands and make him give them back. He thought he has all of this figured out because Child Protection Services were involed for a very short period. They pulled out and closed the file when the kids went to live with him. WE were both told at the same time by the intake worker that this was a PRIVATE arrangement between him and I and because I have full custody if I said I want them home then they are to come home. I knew he would call the worker so I did the same and told her that I requested the kids be returned home on Saturday. She reitterated that this has NOTHING to do with their agency. I briefly mentioned that she had had some concerns and I wanted to let her know. She told me that since the file is closed they have no reason to be concerned and that Corey and I need to talk. If we can't do that then she suggested mediation or lawyers. The reason I have written all of this here is to validate the fact that I HAVE FULL CUSTODY OF MY CHILDREN!!!! If I have to pay back the money; I will but when it all comes down to it. He didn't fucking get me like he thought he would and I am not going down without a fight! I am sure he will try and get full custody since Shania doesn't want to come home. I will fight that too. I will NOT give up on my kids or my relationship. I DESERVE TO HAVE BOTH. I was told by a very wise woman here on WDC that if I allow my daughter to push Ruthann away then she wins. I will never be able to have control over her as a parent should. So I said screw this shit I am going to let her know who is the parent and she is going to have to SUCK IT UP! In time I am sure she will see the error of her ways and all the the poisoned bullshit she was told will leave her mind. I am WOMAN her me ROARRRRR!!!!! |
| After spending most of the night here doing nothing but crying, I went to bed and did some more. Ruthann and I talked about our situation with my daughter Shania and we both realize that her attitude isn't going to change. Even with counseling, we both feel that she is dead set about coming back home as long as Ruthann and I are together. So, I guess most of you know where this is going. Even though we don't want to, we may have to end our relationship. I am completely numb today. I can't focus on anything and I am only writing to get this off my chest. I can't bear the thought of living without Ruthann. I am not meaning to sound selfish by saying that either. I love my kids with all my heart but why am I the only one that has to sacrifice happiness? This isn't the first time my kids have done this to me. Case in point: My membership here. I said last night I was taking a break. I may not have a choice because if Ruthann and I do go our separate ways, I won't be able to afford my membership, let alone the internet. I am still off of work on medical leave with no date to return in the near future. Are things looking a bit clearer now for those of you that don't understand? I love WDC and all of my friends here. It's the only social life I have believe it or not. If I lose this, then I have lost everything. |
| I am surrounded by friends that care and are willing to do what they can to help me but I am still miserable and so confused. I feel helpless, hopeless, inadequate and so very much alone. Ruthann does what she can to help but no one can fill the void I have. The void where my kids should be. I know when it all comes down to it I am going to have to chose - my kids or Ruthann. I won't be able to have then both. I know that because Ruthann will not tolerate disrespect and Shania won't budge and if forced to she will make our lives a living hell. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? |
| I think after the next round of my poetry contest I am going to take a break from WDC. I just don't feel the way I used to and I wouldn't want to bring anyone else down. My presence here isn't needed anyway. I will be sure to finalize all of my contest forums before I go so no one can say I didn't take care of things. I will also follow through with all of my donations that I had in my auction. I am not doing this for anyone to take pity on me either. This is the right thing to do. |
| Ever since I was a young girl I have always wanted to be a mom. I would babysit for anyone that asked me to; right up until the age of 19. Not once did I ever think being a mom would make me feel so empty and alone. I love my kids more than life itself and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. It has been difficult for me over the years, raising them on my own but I managed. No matter what the cost I promised to always be there for them. The past two months living without Eric and Shania have been awful. I spend hours crying wanting them back with me. Shania has changed SO much she barely even talks to me anymore. The two of them were supposed to come and visit yesterday but didn't show up. Eric called tonight and asked if they could stay over because they don' t have school tomorrow. I was so happy they were going to spend the night. This is the first time since they went to stay with their dad in May. Well my bubble burst. Eric is still here but Shania left. She went to stay with my sister. It was more important for her to be with auntie then with me. I told her how much I wanted her to stay and she complained that she sees me every second weekend. I didn't realize I was such a problem. Last night when I went to bed I cried so much for my kids. My heart bleeds for them. I want them back in my life. I can't live without them. I am so hurt by what she did I am nauseous. Shania is determined that as long as Ruthann is around she WILL NOT come back home. I am being torn apart. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I spend as many hours sleeping that I can and the rest of them here so I don't have to think about the choices I have to make. Somedays, I wish I could just run away. I don't want to be where I am right now. I can't concentrate and all I do is cry. Can anyone help me? |
| I am a mass of frustration. Everything and everyone are pissing me off and for no reason. I am cranky and irritable and I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything. When I get in these moods my skin crawls and I am completely uncomfortable. I can't sit still, I'm edgy, and I snap at anyone who looks or talks to me. I am not a person you want to be around when I am in a mood like this. I think for the most part of the day I am going to isolate myself from everything. I am hateful and spiteful and I don't want to offend anyone. |
| Do you ever just get SO fucking mad that you could destroy everything around you? Well I am there now and I am only writing this so I dont smash something. I tried to do a simple task, followed all the steps as I was told, and the fucking thing still didn't work. I feel like a total and complete failure and I am so mad and frustrated that I am crying my eyes out. Everyone tells me that I am so smart I can do anything. Well why can't I do this one thing!!! I feel like tearing this whole fucking house apart. My therapist gave me material on inappropriate anger...I guess this is one of those moments. I hate feeling stupid and when I can't get something to work properly then it's my fault and I'm a fucking idiot. I don't even know why I bother to do half of the things I do. I spend countless hours picking myself apart for everything I do wrong; it's not worth it anymore so I am not going to try. To hell with everything! |
| I couldnt sleep last night I had so many things going on in my head. I laid there for hours with the old hamster just a runnin on his wheel (that's what I call my thoughts). I went to my therapist appointment with the lady that is working with Ruthann and I last night. I had plenty to say about how I feel things are going but that was cause for my sleepless night. I have a very unusual relationship with Ruthann in my eyes. I am constantly asking her if she is mad at me which annoys the hell right out of her because she never is. I'm sorry is another phrase she hear incessantly. I am afraid to do anything I consider fun, singing out loud with blaring music, dancing around the house like a fool, and just laughing at things I feel are really funny because I think it will annoy her. In this process of my demented thinking I have lost the person I used to be. Ruthann has never done anything or said anything to make me feel this way I just do. She is a serious person and we don't have the same sense of humor and when I laugh at something she doesn't find amusing, I feel like I am offending her. I live like this every day and it is tiring. At about 3 am I got up and went to the bathroom. She came looking for me and knew something was up. We went back to bed and I had a complete melt down. I told her how I felt that I was betraying her by talking to the therapist and that I was afraid that things between us aren't going to work. My kids have caused a huge rift in the relationship due to shit they heard from other members of the family. I honestly don't see us being able to recover from that. I am having a hard time being without my children and my heart bleeds for them everyday. It doesn't help tht thier father is "buying" them with gifts he know I can't afford. Why can't I afford them? Because the fucking asshole owes me over 3 grand in child support. I have begun to question myself in regards to my children returning home. This is something I never thought I would do. Rebecca the youngest is the only one here since the oldest spends most of her time babysitting. The house is quiet, there isn't a mess to clean everyday and the laundry is no where near what it was before. Am I selfish to want things to remain calm? Am I a bad mother to let them stay with their father knowing he says bad things about me? Does it mean I don't love them like I used to? I am so messed up over all of this I don't know which way to turn. If they come home will Ruthann be able to deal with them and them with her? That is my biggest fear. No matter what, my kids comes first. I love Ruthann with all my heart and soul but do I sacrifice my children for her? I can't answer that right now. I have the right to be happy and to be in love. Why does this have to be so hard? Deeply confused. |
| Since I last wrote in my blog things have changed slightly. I am still living without 2 of my kids but I am adjusting. The house is quiet, there is no screaming and yelling, nobody is getting hurt; so I guess that's a good thing. I am bothered by the fact that my 11yr old, Shania, doesn't want to talk to me. She will call and say: "Hi mom, well goodnight, love you." That's it. I have tried to ask why she won't talk but she gives me the same answer every time: "Just because." I am tired of getting my feelings hurt so I am going to stop trying. I feel deep down that her father has something to do with this. He wasn't exaclty a saint before he left. My oldest might be moving out again and I can't say this time that I don't want her to. She hasn't kept any of her promises since she has come back home so I will let her go freely. Rebecca, my baby, has been by my side through all of this and has never faltered. She is only ten but she has an old soul. With everything that poor little girl has been through she has been my biggest and most loving supporter. (non-adult) We have grown closer since the other two went with dad. I feel badly for her because they don't talk to her either. She talked Ruthann the other day and asked if she knew what "peer pressure" was. Apparently, one of the girls in her class was stealing smokes from her mother and brought them and a lighter to school. She has tried smoking! She's 10! Ruthann told her she would need to tell me and she did. She also confessed some other stuff that made my heart sink. I realize that all of us have a natural curiosity about sex and being naked. Rebecca came to me with some stories about her "curiosity." I was floored. The things she told me aren't your everyday type of stuff. When I asked her why she was doing it she cried and said:"It's because of my dad! I hate him!" For those of you that don't know, Rebecca was sexually assaulted by her father. There was no penetration but he exposed himself, touched her genitals and make her look at pornography. When she told me this the rage I had suppress came flooding back to the surface. If the bastard would have been near me; I would have fucking killed him on the spot. I cried so hard for my little girl that night. We cried together. I promised her that none of this was her fault and we would talk to someone about it. She looked so weak and fragile that night; her eyes all red and puffy. I will never forget it. On a much happier note. I am sure most of you have noticed my presence back here in the community I love so much. I am working hard at getting all of my activities caught up, I am helping others organize their groups and working on a plethora of graphics. I knew I misssed it here but I never knew how much or how much I was missed. I think of all of you as a big part of my extended family and if I ever win the lottery I will personally finance another convention so we all can meet! I want to thank all of you who have stood by me, suported me, given me advice, and kicked my ass when it was needed. Without you, I don't know where I'd be. Big Hugs, Lisa |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
