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 |  My life in a nutshell. |
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In here you will find many things that may shock and amaze you. There are other things you may find that will knock your socks off. All in all I am sure you will get something out of this. Damiana |
| As most of you know I have pneumonia and have been miserable for a week now. I just got back from the ER where they gave me a mask, another x-ray and did some bloodwork. The bad news is that I have Viral pneumonia and there are no drugs that can make it go away. The Dr told me I could be like this for a few more weeks. The infection has to run its course.....Fuck!!! I hate not being well and I am so goddamn tired all I can do is sleep. I am not eating right or drinking enough and yet they can't do anything to make me feel better and to top it all of I now have pleurisy! I can't win no matter what I do. I sit here as much as I can because I don't cough as much but I am wrecked. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Anyone have any secret family remedies they want to share? I am desperate....  |
| As most of you know I have pneumonia and have been miserable for a week now. I just got back from the ER where they gave me a mask, another x-ray and did some bloodwork. The bad news is that I have Viral pneumonia and there are no drugs that can make it go away. The Dr told me I could be like this for a few more weeks. The infection has to run its course.....Fuck!!! I hate not being well and I am so goddamn tired all I can do is sleep. I am not eating right or drinking enough and yet they can't do anything to make me feel better and to top it all of I now have pleurisy! I can't win no matter what I do. I sit here as much as I can because I don't cough as much but I am wrecked. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Anyone have any secret family remedies they want to share? I am desperate.... |
| So as most of you know I have pneumonia so I hope you can all forgive me if I don't get all of your winnings or gifted prizes delivered right away. I am doing my best to get caught up but I sleep more than anything. I will try over the weekend to finish everything. The las thing I would ever want is my name dragged through the mud so to speak. That leads me to another topic of conversation. I pride myself on being the type of person who minds her business and sticks up for things and people she cares about. I don't like being brought into the middle of so called "battles" that don't concern me. Shit like this really pisses me off. NO ONE has the right to be spouting off about other people's personal lives. I don't care if they have a cold or fucking hemorrhoids...if I don't need to know then DONT TELL ME!!!! I deal with enough of my own "drama" on a daily basis;I dont need anyone elses. This a WRITING website...if you aren't here to write then buh bye! And take all you childish bullshit with you. |
| What a fucking miserable year and my New Years Eve wasn't much better. I am go fucking glad 2006 is gone. Not that 2007 will be better. Nothing is in my life. I wanted to spend a nice evening and home with family and friends, playing games, eating and having a few drinks. Instead I spent it yelling and arguing with my kids and ex over a fucking game that everyone was getting pissed off about and my friends didn't show. They didn't even call...I am not impressed. I didn't even bother to ring in the new year. I laid on my bed in the dark thinkning about cutting myself. How pathetic is that. I am not even going to get up tomorrow. FUCK IT!!! I don't give a shit anymore... |
| Where do I start? My 13 and 11 yr old are waging a war against me. They have decided all of a sudden that I should not be living with Ruthann. They have come to this conclusion because they don't think I have a mind of my own and that I only tell them "NO" because of Ruthann. Oh... and because they think it is wrong for their mom to be a lesbian. This is not the first time they have done this type of thing. The don't like discipline and that's what they are getting now on a consistent basis, however the behaviour is getting WAY out of hand. Anyone I have ever been with that was hard nosed when it came to time outs and natural consequences, they had a problem with. Even their own father. Now here is things get a little weird. Their father also lives with us. We three adults get along fine and share most of the same views in parenting. Hell none if us are perfect but working together has it benefits.....at times. I agree things need to change and collectively we are working together with my son's counsellor. The biggest problem I see at the moment is their interaction with Ruthann. I love my kids to death but I am the first to admit they have a rotten mouth and are very disrespectful. Ruthann bears the brunt of this rotten behavior because she is the harshest discplinarian. She is not used to this type of disrespect but at the same time; her talking to them the way she does is wrong too. I have learned that you cannot parent aggressive children aggressively. They are bumping heads constantly. This is why I am stuck. I should not have to be put in the position once again where I have to choose my kids over my partner. I don't agree with some of the things she says, how she talks to them or the names she calls them. It hurts me to hear these things because they are MY KIDS! I also don't agree with my children doing the same to her. But then I think if she didn't do it would they stop? Where do I draw the line! I am so fucked up over all of this shit I don't even want to have Christmas. I feel that I should leave because Ruthann doesn't deserve to be treated like this; but neither do my kids. It is my job as a parent to protect them. I am not saying that I am a better parent that anyone and yes I have said some things that I regret but I am doing things differently now and I just wish we all could be on the same page. I think I need a miracle.  |
| Every day is a battle for me with my kids. It doesn't seem to matter how much I do for them I still get the miserable, rotten and ignorant behavior. My 11 yr old sent me into a raging fit today. All over a fucking top she didn't want to wear...I lost it...I slashed my wrist with scissors, tore the blind off the back door window and trashed the living room. We were late for our Dr's appoinment and I cried all the way there. My doc told me if I felt I was going to hurt myself again I should admit myself to the short stay psychiatric unit. I came home and slept all afternoon. I don't know how much more I can take. I am busting my ass to change my behavior and be a better parent with the help of a counsellor for my son but the kids aren't willing to change. I can't afford to keep having melt downs like this.....does anyone have any advice? |
| I am having a rough week. I have what I call the holiday blues. They are similar to the birthday blues. My anxiety and depression get the best of me at these two times of the year more than any other. The root of the problem is my fear of dying. I worry every year at the same time if I am gonna live through another Christmas or birthday. Most of my life is lived this way because I am so afraid of dying I am afraid to live my life. Sounds fucked up I know but it is a vicious cycle I have been living for over 20 years. December 6th is especially hard for me because it is my dad's birthday. He will be gone 14 years in February. I have spent most of this week crying and in bed. I have no desire to go out or do anything. I live in front of this computer screen. Day in and day out. I feel like all of the things I learned in my day treatment program were a waste of time because I can't apply them to my life. I am up til the wee hours of the morning because once my mind is unoccupied and I try to go to sleep I start crying and can't stop. Have any of you wondered why I am always here? Now you know... I am falling back into my black hole and I don't know what to do. I am worried about Christmas because I haven't worked in over a year and Ruthann isn't working either. My kids have been acting badly for the past several weeks and they are wearing me down. My mother nags at me constantly....arrggghhhh! I am a wreck!!! Even sitting here now writing this I want to cry. So on that note I am going to go watch a movie.... Lisa |
| I have never been one for travelling because my anxiety always got the best of me. I have been so afraid of dying I wouldnt allow myself to live. This summer I ventured out on a day trip to New Brunswick. I lived! It was good!...... So....a friend of mine needed support for a court trial in PEI. See is from the Netherlands and has no family here or other friends that could have went with her so myself and my partner went along. It was awesome! Not the court part obviously, but just being able to do it; for me was a monumental undertaking. For the first time in my life I felt free, alive and I felt like a grown up. I am starting to see what I have been missing all along and it's a feeling beyond description to FINALLY be able to do it! |
| I had an IM from a member tonight asking me if I was romatically involved with a certain MOD. She stated that she was concerned that a rumor might start spreading as a result of this "affair" because she heard I was married. Not that it was any of her business I told her I was not romatically involved with anyone and even if I was it is MY business. I also told her I was a lesbian living with my partner and the gentleman I was talking to knew this. I wasn't pissed about this at first but I am vibrating now....what I do and who I talk to are my fucking business. Once I let the other person know I don't imagine he will be too pleased either..... My advice to gossip mongers: BUTT OUT! |
| Much has happened since I last wrote. I found out why I was not feeling well. I had a really bad Cellulitis infection on my left thigh. I had a rash there but didn't think it was anything serious until I ended up on IV meds. My thigh still looks bad but I am feeling slightly better. There is so much that I feel is unsettled that I will never be truly well. I am still facing huge challenges with my son and I have started to have disturbing dreams again. I woke up this morning balling my eyes out and have been crying all day. It is so fucking hard to stay positive when everything around you is negative. I don't understand why I am having such a hard time. I am worn out and so goddamn frustrated. The last time I wrote it was about my letter that I had to do for group. I wrote the fucking thing but apparently I didn't "FEEL" enough when I read it. They said "You have to move past the anger". The bastard sexually assaulted my children and I need not to be angry. FUCK THAT SHIT!!!! I AM ANGRY AND I WILL BE ANGRY UNTIL THE FUCKING PIG IS DEAD!!!!! So maybe I have a mean streak. Sue me! I feel that I am fully justified in how I feel. From that mess I move on to the problems with my son. Being sworn at every day being called a "fucking bitch" a "mother fucker and a "cunt" to name a few. Being told that he is going to murder me in cold blood and piss on my grave. I have taken all I can take. I am a wreck. 7 weeks in therapy for WHAT? My only escape has been the time I spend here now even this is starting to stress me out. I feel like I am a failure. I have done so much to help other people and it seems to go un-noticed. Maybe I am paranoid but I feel like there are people who don't want me to succeed. My Creative Writing Academy is closed temporarily because I was sick but even that seems to be a flop. I was so enthusiastic when I first started it, it was all I did. Now I can't even get anyone to complete a lesson. I guess I just don't have what it takes. I am sure that will please someone. Some days I wonder why I even come back here. I am very discouraged. I haven't even written in a long time. I put so much of my energy into helping others I never took time out for me. Oh well....enough whining....I am gonna go eat chocolate. |
| I did not want to get up today. I am still not feeling well and I am SO goddam tired. It's really starting to piss me off. The whole "I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired" routine. I am worn out. My morning in therapy was ok today. There are 6 different sessions they have for the 6 weeks of the prgram so what we did today I had already done. The repetition was good because it reminded of things that I had forgot. The morning ended wuth our exercise/gym class that I didn't participate in due to my messed up stomach issues. This afternoon got a little tense when a new member of the group was speaking. He was very intimidating and his attitude seemed very hostile. I was on the verge of a panic attack. It made me very uncomfortable. I am still carrying the the tension in my head, neck and shoulders. It was not a pleasant experience. A few of us felt the same way and mentioned it to our Case Co-ordinators. When it was happening it certainly did not feel like it was a safe place and that's what they promote. Tomorrow is what they call "Goal Attainment Day". To me it's a day off to rest, relax, be HERE.....  but it's also a day they expect us to work on the goals we set out for ourselves on Monday. All I can promise is that I will do what I can because I am supposed to write another letter for Thursday. A letter to the fucker that sexually assaulted my daughters. They want me to get past the rage to experience the feelings......well..I AM FUCKING MADDDDDD!!!!!! For now that's all I feel. |
| I returned to group today after being off sick for a week. The bad part is, is that I am still experienceing the same symptoms. That aside though, I did get through another letter today. It was to my ex that lives with me and Ruthann. He and I have an odd relationship. We were together for the better part of 11 yrs but never seemed to be able to make things work. I admired his work ethic but resented him for working so much. We had a very abusive relationship and I was the ABUSER. I am not proud of this and even though he has forgiven me for all I have done; I haven't forgiven myself. The purpose of the letter I read today was to confront the issues and feelings I haven't been able to let go of. It evoked the feeling that I needed to let loose but I am still going to need time to accept them. He and I have a long history together and there are still some very confused emotions wrapped up in our friendship. This is a start for me on a road to forgiveness....I just gave myself a day pass from my inner prison. |
| It have been a very grueling month for me and most of you who have read my blog or recent entries would know that. I have suffered in ways I never thought possible by sharing my feelings and being honest with myself. This is something new to me. Before this treatment program I always kept my true feelings hidden. I would agree with someone even if I thoguth they were wrong. I blamed myself for all the bad things that happened. I beat myself up quite a bit. What I have learned from this program is that it's ok to express your feelings. It's ok to tell someone you disagree. These skills I have learned are what they call "Skills for Life." Don't get me wrong...they are hard as hell to do at first but if you practice and believe in yourself it can happen. I want to personally thank all of you who have taken the time to show your support by reading my blog and leaving comments. I also want to thank you for the reviews you have given me for my letters I had to write as a part of this program. Not one of you has looked down on me or judged me. For that I am truly greatful.... Love always, Lisa |
| The emotional roller coaster I have been on for the past 4-5 weeks had made me forget what day of treatment this is. All I do know is that today was one of the hardest, most emotional fucking days I have ever had. Honestly, even the pain of childbirth could not compare to the brutal and heart-wrenching day I just faced. I read my letter to my dad and it was like nothing I have ever experienced before. I had always had my dad on a pedestal and to find out he wasn't the man I always thought he was; was utterly overwhelming. Read this and you will see what I mean. "Invalid Item"  |
| I had my weekly day off from group today and I am so fucked up I dont know left from right. I had an epiphany yesterday that nearly knocked the wind out of my sails. It was a major breakthrough in how I view my relationships and the issues I have in them. besides that revelation, I have to write a letter for feelings group tomorrow and I really dont think I can do it. The letter I want to write, no correct that, the letter I NEED to write is to my dad who has been dead for almost 14 years. Just saying that puts me in such a state of anxiety I am shaking. I dont know how to get past that. I have a headache, I am sick to my stomach and dizzy. Writing to him and actually expressing my thoughts and feelings is terrifying. He was everything to me and one of the last things he said to me before he died was that he was disappointed in me. I have lived with that guilt for almost 14 years and I need to forgive myself but by doing that I feel like I am going against him and that is something I JUST CANT DO!......Help I am scared...... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Proud Host and Owner of:" Weekly NEWBIE Challenge" "Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" Proud Member of:"Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group" "Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" |
| I haven't written in a few days so I am not exactly sure what day I am on. I know I only have 2 weeks left in the program. I have much work to do before I am finished. I had another difficult week. I had to read a letter yesterday and come clean about something I had done. It was brutal. I have a problem with wanting to impress people. I am an attention seeker and normally this wouldn't be an issue but the way I go about seeking the attention is. This issue led me into trouble last week when I had to present my letter to my mother to the group. I had written my letter and poured my heart and soul out it in. But even then I didn't feel it was good enough. I didn't think it what was my case manager wanted to hear. So I found something I felt sounded better, even though it wasn't mine, and I used that instead. I read the letter to the group but I didn't connect with it. I didn't "feel" the emotions I should have by reading it. I tried really hard but realized I was not being honest. I told my case manager about my crime and reasons for doing it. It was an uncomfortable situation but I got through it. I told her I needed to apologiz to the group and confess my sin so to speak and read my real letter. The shame and guilt I felt for doing something dishonest got the best of me. So, yesterday I came clean, read MY letter and to my amazement no one thought any less of me. Most of them were actually more impressed that I had the courage to come forward with the truth about what I had done. The letter was hard as hell to get through. I cried my eyes out but I know now that I don't have to impress anyone by being someone I'm not. Being me is good enough. |
| We had a very small group today. A few of the members didn't make it in today and of course me being who I am, I worried about them. I was told that it's ok to be concerned about the other participants but not to feel like I have to "fix" their problems. I am there to concentrate on my own. That's true but not caring about someone else is easier said than done when you have done it all your life. Overall it was a good day. Things wrapped up early since the group was so small. One of the members, who I will never forget, left today. He completed his course there and was left with what they call "Homework for Life." He came into the program a broken man and left whole. He is such an inspiration. I made a true friend in him. I have some work to do over the weekend to prepare for next week. Monday is Thanksgiving so we will only have a 3 day week. I am not looking forward to my homework but I will do it because I want to get better. This is for me! and it's about time...... |
| I read my letter today and survived! It was a good day. Read entry 21 for an explanation. |
| I was in a rotten mood today. I had thought my day was all planned out with the things I had to get ready for group tomorrow but then my partner decided out of the blue she was going to go out with her daughter. I was pissed off. I felt that I wasn't important enough to be with today so I cut myself. I am not proud of this but I try to justify it by telling myself I was hurting so badly inside that I had to hurt outside as well. My mood hasn't changed much over the course of the day which I slept 90% of it away. I am in the process of refining the letter to my mother that I have to read tomorrow in group. Another day of raw emotions to look forward to. Yippee fuckin skippee.... |
| I had a good day today! Group wasn't hard to handle and no intense emotions were displayed. We had gym class for the last half of the morning and I played badminton the whole period. I did take a tumble while playing when I over-extended. I didn't hust myself though. The afternoon went by just as easliy. I am off tomorrow and going to take it easy. |
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