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 |  My life in a nutshell. |
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In here you will find many things that may shock and amaze you. There are other things you may find that will knock your socks off. All in all I am sure you will get something out of this. Damiana |
| I learned a very valuable lesson today. Don't wear makeup to feelings group. I cried so much today it was awful. I think it's awful......the facilitators call it healing. There were so many letters read in group today I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I didn't even get to my letter because there wasn't enough time. It needs more work so I have until Thursday to get it done. I connected with so many of the feelings that were shared today it was scary. It's hard to listen to the other members stories and not react. We are all there to heal and in that process we have to let go of the hurt. I did a great deal of that this afternoon when I met with the Psychiatrist. It was brutal. She is definitely an asset to her field. She makes you own your feelings, look at them, asses them and see how they are effecting your life. I am still shaking from the session this afternoon. She took me back to my childhood and I relived things I thought I had forgotten. Painful things I don't want to remember, that I don't want to face. This is just the beginning....I am raw, I am tired and I am husting so deeply it's causing physical pain. My road ahead is long but I need to travel it and see where it takes me......I may not like the stops along the way but it is all part and parcel of this journey to self discovery and healing. Please don't let me travel it alone...... |
| I have had a very quiet weekend. All of my children were away from the house and I spent the whole weekend right here. Although it has been very peaceful I have got myself stressed out over the letter I have to write for group tomorrow. It's not going to be easy. I am writing to my mother and although she will never see it, it is still going to be very painful. Keep me in your thoughts and send me some courage please...... |
| Today was a good day. I only had to attend group for the morning and we had Assertiveness Training. I went over my 'homework' which was to give and receive compliments throughout the week. I did ok with it. Of course giving was much easier than receiving but I was crafty in my approach. I had my children participate and used it as a game. They were very receptive to the idea and it was much easier to take the compliments from them. Once I was comfortable with what they said, I moved on to my partner and kids dad. I even continued with members from the group so all in all the experience wasn't as bad as I had first thought. Now Monday will be a different story. I have to meet with the Psychiatrist and get to the bare bones of my dilema. I am NOT looking forward to that or the other letter I have to write for feelings group. Wish me luck folks.... |
| I did it! I read my letter and I didn't die. I wasn't judged or ridiculed. I was comforted, supported and congratulated. I was even able to accept all of this with minimal tears. For once in my life I am *gulp* proud of myself. Maybe there is hope for me yet. |
| I have spent 3/4 of my day in bed trying to avoid an assignment that I have to do for group tomorrow. I have to write a letter introducing myself and include the background of my mental illness. I am REALLY not looking forward to this at all. The experience of hearing other member's stories has been extremely difficult. I come away from group each day exhausted and amazed that they have the courage to let this shit out. I am not so brave. My letter is actually written but not in my hand. Part of the healing process is for me to connect with the words, feelings and emotions by writing the letter myself. This scares the piss right out of me but I have to do it anyway. While I have been sitting here blogging away I have decided to share my letter with all of you. I am going to post it in my port, then I will come back and add the link. "Invalid Item"  Blessed Be |
| I am tired today. We spoke about anger in group today and the different ways it effects us and how we handle it. I have a great deal of anger. It would actually be better classed as rage. At times I have even felt murderous. Considering some of the things I have faced in my life I have been told that feeling is justified. It's possible I suppose. I am having doubts that this type of treatment is going to work for me. I have so many years of bullshit that I am going to have to face and I am not ready for it. Having it all brought to the surface is fucking scaring me to death. Speaking of death I have to face that too. My fear of it has controlled my life for so long that I am afraid to live. I get so tense when I think about all of the things I have to do to heal. Staying sick would be so much easier. That's the cowards way out I know but I never have been very brave when it comes to myself. Thank fuck I am off tomorrow. |
| We had feelings group again today. I learned that we do this every Monday morning and Thursday afternoons. I wasn't brought to tears today but the feelings I experienced were very powerful and draining. It will be my turn on Thursday afternoon to share with the group. Most members write letters to get their feelings out. They can be to anyone in our lives that we need to resolves issues with or they can be to ourselves. I am not sure who I will be writing to yet. I have so much I need to say I have to be careful. I have a murderous rage that lives inside of me and I need to learn how to control that before I allow that beast to escape. I have kept things inside of me for so long, I have to take things slow so I don't overwhelm myself more than I already am. Baby steps is what will get me there. The best part of my day came when I checked my email. I had been very down all weekend and I had even changed my handle to "Damiana Needs Inner Strength." When I opened my email tonight I found out that I had one a contest. It was for "Invalid Item" and I recieved an Inner Strength Merit Badge. It couldn't have come at a better time. Thanks intuey GoT Survivor!   |
Today was the end of a very long week and as to be expected I had another very emotionally taxing day. Our group focused on Assertiveness Training and my first task was to give 3 and receive 3 compliments. I did quite well on the giving end but was reduced to tears when I had to receive. I actually got more than 3 compliments, I got 5!... Feeling the way I do about myself it is very difficult to accept and kind of positive feedback. I just don't believe it. Well, it's not even a question of believing it; it's more that I don't feel I am worthy. In time I am sure I will learn the skills necessary but until then, for me, it will be a struggle. |
| Today was another emotionally taxing day. We had feelings group and listening to one of the members read a letter he wrote to his deceased grandparents brought me back into a state of mourning for my dad. The feelings he touched on in that letter were so close to my own, I was sobbing. My dad has been gone nearly 14 years now and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him or talk to him. I was so close to my father that it is almost incomprehensible to know that I have lost that closeness with the one person I loved and respected most in my life. What bothers me the most about him being gone is something he said to me that I can't seem to get out of my mind. My father told me he was disappointed in ME. Not with something I had done, the disappoinment was in me and I don't know why. I have, for 14 years tried to figure out what it is but I can't. I will never know. I beat myself up over this on a daily basis. I live a life filled with guilt, hurt, regret and sorrow to name just a few. I try so hard to do what I think will make him porud of me again but I know I will never get that recognition from him. This saddens me even more. One of my goals in being in the program is to be able to come to terms with the things I have no control over. It will be a long and arduous journey wrought with pain and tears but I know I will make it through because I have faith, I have love and I have support from my friends and family. Most importantly I have Ruthann. She is my pillar of strength, my rock my saviour and a part of me. Through her love I will find my way. I will find myself and learn to live again. |
| Yesterday was my second day of the program and it went quite well. I am off today so I chose to hold off on adding to my blog until now. We had self esteem group yesterday where some of the older members went over the homework they had to do. As I listened to some of the responses I started to realize that my situation in a lot of ways is very similar to the others. That in itself was very reassuring. One of the women I met there said she had been interviewed by some residents. They were studying mental health and depression. She made a very good point when she said she did it because she wanted to show them the face of depression. It's not what we all assume it would look like. The images portrayed in movies of people locked away in rubber rooms, or wearing gowns in a hospital running amuck and looking psychotic. We are normal people, we don't look different or talk different. We have families and jobs, we laugh, we cry and we even write. Those of you have judged people in the past for being mentally ill and allowing yourself to accept the stereotypical image of what mental illness looks like; I am issuing you a challenge. I want you to take a look at my picture and tell me if, after everything you read here, I look like someome you would consider to be mentally ill. Your answer may surprise you. My picture: "Invalid Item" |
| I started day treatment today to help me deal with all of my life's adversaties....yeah that's a good word. Who am I kidding? I am fucked up! I suffer from major depression, anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, low self-esteem.....yadda yadda yadda...need I go on? I have so much baggage any airline would turn me away... In my first session of group today we had to share feelings. Thank fuck I was a "newbie", not my day to share. I heard some pretty messed up shit in there from the other participants. I realized at that point that my worse fears were definitely going to come true. My turn at this was coming....I can't do this! I don't wan't to do this but if I don't; how am I ever going to get better? I have been struggling with that very question for a few days now, even before I started the program. One of the things I had to commit to today was a goal. So, needing to get this shit out in the open, I commited to keeping my blog updated daily. I am not sure at this point how much of this experience I am going to share but I am at least making the effort to write. I have to start somewhere don't I? |
| I have been dealing with my son's behavioral issues for many years now and have suffered mild physical abuse. He has slapped me, kicked me bit me but mostly he just swears. As bad as that is, I can deal with it. He went sailing on Saturday with his cadet corps and came home worn out. He wanted money to go to the store. Now since his behavior is so bad he has an allowance chart. He knows that each day he has to do 4 things to earn his $2 for that day. Once the end of the week comes he will get $10. On Friday morning I gave him the allowance her had earned, $6.50. He grumbled and whined but accepted it. So when Saturday rolled around I reminded him that he had his money for the week, he got angry. I started to ask about sailing and while staring at the very screen and answering a message.....he hauls off and blind-sided me across the right part of my face!!!! He hit me SO fucking hard my head spun. I was in a daze. I didn't know what hit me..... No, I didn't kill him. He is still very much alive but I don't trust him. My son, 13 yrs old and I will not literally turn my back to him because I am scared. As a parent dealing with children with these types of challenges, we never know what to expect from one day to the next. That for me was an eye opener. Even with the help "we" as a family, get from outside sources his behavior isn't changing. I feel that I have failed him as a parent. I feel his issues are my fault and I live with massive amounts of guilt daily. Because I feel this way, I am determined to do WHATEVER it takes to see that my son grows up strong, happy, healthy and well adjusted. He often tells me that he knows how much I hate him and that I wished he didn't live here. Too bad for him that he won't accept the truth because is he terribly terribly wrong. |
| Last night I made a new friend and I was on top of the world. Today was a different story. I spent half the morning bawling and the other half sleeping. Being "sick" is a real pain in the ass. I am due to start an Intensive Day Treatment program for patients with varying degrees of mental illness on Monday and I am scared to death. I have at least 25 years of fucking bullshit to dig up and sort out. It's not going to be pretty. On top of all of that I am trying to keep on top of my son's behaviour. He has Tourettes, ADD, ODD, OCD and a rage disorder...and that of my other 3 kids. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I haven't been out of the house in many days and I have no desire to go out. I feel like I am turning into a troll....I stay in the dark basement day in and day out. Depression bites! WDC is my lifeline these days. I can come here and relax for the most part. At least when I am not being accused of stealing something or being called "demonic". As much as I want to forget it and let bygones be bygones. It burns my fucking ass so bad that I considered hurting myself. I am going to leave it at that for now before I really go off..ttfn |
| I got the chance to spend the night with my cousins 4 month old baby boy. While watching him sleep this morning at 3 am, I cried. I cried because my baby days are over. I am in a bit of a funk today. I am very greatful though, I do have 4 children of my own who are 18, 13, 10 and 9 but there is just something about babies that gets me all mushy inside. I suppose I have to wait for the day when I become a grandma to enjoy babies again. |
| My patience has been tried this week. It has taken an enormous amount of decorum not to fucking bite someones head off. Not literally, but verbally. I have been through hell the past 2 yrs and any of you whohave read my port can attest to that. Then to find out I have someone spouting shit about me. I have been called a liar, unethical, accused of proselyting, and worst of all, my life has been called demonic. Can you believe that shit? I have held my tongue and not retaliated against this naysayer. Between the fits of rage and bouts of crying my eyes out, my friends have come to my rescue and stopped me from making this more of a scene. For those who know me and understand Wicca and it's practices you can decide for yourself how you wish to view me. As far as the "demonic" aspect of my life goes, the comment was made because I am a lesbian. It was said that if I were to again become christian and truly repent I would be forgiven.....fuck that shit! I was born and raised Catholic, and my choice to study a different religion doesn't condem me to hell as others would think. I am me know matter how you look at it. Like it or lump it I guess.... |
| I went to court today for the sentencing hearing for the sexual assault against my daughter. Even though he didn't get the time we were looking for, the bastard got 35 months, and he will be listed of the Sexual Offenders list for the next 20 years. My biggest wish for him is to meet someone named "BUBBA" in the federal pen and be forced to be his BITCH......that would be hilarious. He may have started the battle but I have won the war.....! |
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