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 |  Dear Me: Please keep me sane! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.Swedish Proverb  Here in the South, we don't lock up our crazy people. We sit them out on the porch for everyone to see." ~~ Julia Sugarbaker, Designing Women *********************************** Visit Vivian   Web site: http://www.viviangilbertzabel.com Blog site: http://viviangilbertzabel.com/blog.html For more info as to why I am linking these links of Viv's, see "Blogging, blogging, blogging" 
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| Relationships I take full responsibility for my actions in their demise Steve the sperm donor- I’m 17, looking for a quick way away from home; got pregnant, got married, stay married less than a year. “Sheila” rule………… you don’t have to count it if it lasts less than a year.  I was 17, he was 27. I used him to get away from home. The only good thing that came out of this very short union was my son, Jamie and my freedom from my parents. Other than that, I honestly do not remember a lot about him.Kevin the ex husband – wonderful man, married him at 20, he adopted my son and became the only father he’s ever known. He wanted a stay at home wife who cooked and cleaned and I needed to conquer the world. He was and still is my best friend, my confidant and my financial advisor. He helped me through all the past pain of mental and sexual abuse, one step at a time. He is probably the only person in the world who knows everything there is to know about me. We divorced because of differences we couldn’t compromise. I couldn’t get over the infidelity and he couldn’t change it. We sat in the same lawyers office, drew up our own divorce papers and rode to divorce court together. He is married to a wonderful woman, who had nothing to do with our divorce, they have a 12 year old son and she has a 22 year old from a previous marriage. As a matter of fact, my son and I spent Christmas morning with them in the hospital room of her oldest son. Dave the controller – Meet him shortly after divorcing Kevin. He was controlling and in charge and good time Charlie. He loved women and had one in every port. He is the only man I ever ran around on and this was in the early years with my ex husband. He realized too late that he was loosing me. When they get close, I get lost. He still is a friend and I talk to him at least once a month. He was 13 years older and very unsettled. I was newly out of a divorce; bad combination. Willie – my rebellion and my longest relationship other than my marriage to Kevin. Classic motorcycle dude with long hair, long beard, dark glasses. We existed together for over eight years. I learned a lot about what was important enough to stress over and what wasn’t. I showed him the social circle and he taught me what the big “o” was.  You cannot base a relationship on sex alone. You have to get out of bed and have something in common. We had nothing; different backgrounds, different friends, different values, different interests. He worked nights, I worked days. He was spreading his social wings and I ignored it. I hung on way way too long.C the most current ex - He’s a good man, heart of gold but unavailable. Again, I held on way too long. This one I probably attribute to love. The relationship was good when it was good but really bad when it was bad. We had a lot in common, great sex and lots of chemistry. This one held the key to my heart and soul with a connection that is not found often. The love wasn’t strong enough to tame the player but I ignored all the warning signs from the very beginning. He could always convince me that what I saw or heard or read was something other than what it was. Whoaaaaaaa….. I allowed myself to believe I could make a difference. I was wrong……….. NOW, If you put these guys in a room and said, find the common trait they each possess, it couldn’t be done. They are all as different as a basket of fruit. I have been lucky enough to have dated and been married to some great guys. Maybe it wasn’t luck, I just knew what my tolerance level was. They were all womanizers and loved to play the field and were always looking for something more. Maybe that’s the issue…… I choose emotionally unavailable men or I don’t think I deserve any better so I put up with the crap way too long. Am I emotionally unavailable and keep that wall up for protection? As a good friend of mine said to me recently, “It comes down to our self worth - we are somehow, after all this time, still feeling unworthy of a man who is 100% able to commit to US, whether it’s a job, or a financial situation, or kids or other women or their mental state or whatever... we attract men who cannot meet our needs. We make excuses, we justify, we allow and we remember all the good parts of that person and at the same time we deny ourselves. They warn us that they are not normal...so in their mind, that justifies it and how dare us question that…….. Maybe it’s time to change all that…………………………. |
| The men in my young life and a descriptions or memories of each Dad – alcoholic, slept on the couch most of the time. Worked 10-12 hours a day, came home, drank vodka, passed out, drank vodka, passed back out, went to work everyday. Called me a smart ass most of the time, or Crisco (short for lard ass) or dumbass. Nothing was good enough; A’s in school should be A+, etc. However, if he had to be an alcoholic, he was a good one. He worked every day, was never physically or sexually abusive and he was still my dad and I loved him. J- older brother also an alcoholic. Still is. Has many health issues mostly caused from bad genes but lots from not taking care of himself. He’s the “poor me” brother who always is negative, been married a few times, has two Korean children that my dad and my stepmonster raised as their own. He now works for my other two brothers and is doing well. Growing up, he was the biggest, played football, was a partyer. S- my whore dog brother. Good hearted man, very opinionated. This one I have a love-hate relationship with. He says I’m the only woman he ever had any respect for. He and my older brother are actually step brothers and belong to my stepmonster but my dad adopted them when we were all very young. This is the brother I call when I need a hug and a “It’s gonna be allright” or “where is the mother f…er, I’ll take his life”. Has never ever had a good relationship. Has had two good good women but got caught with his pants down but it was their fault. We fight a lot because I tell him the truth. He loves me in his own way. Growing up, he skated through school with someone else doing his homework or chores; usually me. Has a bad lisp and a learning disorder and uses it to his advantage. He's very social, has many friends and is generally liked by most.P- this is my only full blooded real brother. He has the same mother and father. Good good man, been married to the same woman for 20 years, has a son, a nice house. He and S own a business and J works for them. Perry is my logical brother. Everything is black and white, to the point, take care of it and move on. He is the strength and the answers when problems arise. Growing up, he was very quiet, never dated much and did well in school. T- a half brother. Had a car wreck when he was 18. Hasn’t worked in years, on disability. Still lives with my mother and he’s 39. He’s lazy, a religious freak and sorry. He always has been a little “off” but has been and the wreck didn’t do it. I don't remember a lot about growing up with him as he is 8 years younger than me. I remember him more as a small child than I do as a teen. He and my mother feed on one another. She’s an enabler and he lets her. It’s like having a husband to cook and clean for but without the benefits.  NOTE: I don't know where this is going but I'm gonna keep writing parts until I've had enough of this inventory. There has to be pieces that relate to my traits and habits now. I'll write more at lunch...... |
| Step 4, Part 1 ”Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves” Deb’s Way (oh, fearless leader of this tell all, be all) "Invalid Entry" "Invalid Entry" Well, I asked Deb if I had to be as honest as her and she said, “not in public”  I have no idea how to do a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.  I’m gonna start writing with no edit and just spill it. Let’s start with the characters in my life and the roles that played in how I act and react in relationships. I’m gonna do the women first.Grandma: my mother’s mother was the light of my life, my confidant, my support and the only sane member of my family. She often said we were so close because we had a common enemy (my mother) She lost her first husband to a heart attack when she was young, didn’t remarry until I was about 6. She married the man we called Papa; more about him later. Grandma was a seamstress in a dry cleaning plant and ruined her lungs with cleaning chemicals and died in 1999. She was retired and on oxygen for a few years. She always called the oxygen tube her “tail”. She’d say, “Don’t step on my tail”. Grandma buried two husbands in her lifetime. One was my mother’s father, the other Papa Strickland. She remarried and Papa Bradley outlived her by a few years. Mother: I love my mother but she is forty seven bricks shy of a fifty brick load. She has been married and divorced four times. I swore I wouldn’t live that legacy. She worked all her life, saved no money and lives on her social security with my younger brother who I’ll also talk about later. Stepmonster: She was seeing my dad before my mother and dad split. They got married when I was about 7 and have been married for thirty seven years. She is evil, wicked and should be destroyed. She is negative, mean to my dad and just mad at the world. We have a common interest that keeps me in touch; my dad. She loves him above all else. He was not the easiest to live with but she hung around. My dad had two children and Stepmonster had two so it was comparable to the Brady Bunch. Ok, let’s see………… In one house, we have my dad and my stepmonster, three boys and me. At my mothers, we have my baby brother and my mother and whichever husband happens to be the flavor of the month. My mother and dad used the kids to keep each other stirred up. When you lived with dad, you weren’t allowed contact with mother and if you lived with mother, dad wouldn’t have anything to do with you. I moved every year after school was out for the summer. I spent the majority of my youth with my stepmonster and dad. I’m not sure why I did but as I type this, I have a pretty strong feeling it’s gonnna come out……… Coming up later The men in my life as I was growing up |
| “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.” Deb's Way "Invalid Entry" The Happy Diva Way Ok, done with this step and thought I'd update. My belief in God has made steps 2 and 3 a lot easier. Life is grand, I'm a smiling Diva and I'm learning to step out and find that whole new world. Wow, I never knew the excitement and happiness that lives outside these walls! I don't feel out of control. I feel peace and contentment and excitement and passion. Thanks for all your support and DDWearsmeout  says that Step 4 takes awhile so here we go....... Lead on, DebPS Up to my arse in tax and water payments. Haven't been on much so forgive me. I have been stretching my new wings, though..... |
| Well, I've admitted that I'm powerless over my non-relationship situation. Actually, I'm powerless over any relationship. I did a part 2 to the Step 1 but kept it private. I don't see any need to throw stones as I am as much to blame for my actions and my part of the outcome. I did realize that I can only control my actions, my feelings, my reactions; not those of others. And now, I guess I'm ready for Step 2. ”Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Deb's Way "Invalid Entry" This one I do not have issues with. I do believe that God has a plan for me, I believe there is a heaven and hell and I believe that only that highter power can restore my sanity. I am not a big organized religion person because I've been there, done that. People are going to be people whether they are in church or not. They fight about money, they talk shit about other church members, etc, etc. I walk around my house talking to God, much like I talk to you guys. We have conversations, I tell him about my day, he calls me a dumbass and then we decide what to do next. NO, I don't always listen and I usually regret it. I do know that only He can restore my sanity. He doesn't nudge me to do things like he does other people. He reaches down and knocks the stupid out of me (I love using Deb's saying)Ok, so I've agreed and I truly believe that my higher power will save me from myself and from the demons. Yea, he may let the demons in every now and then and let me try to fight them on my own but when I ask for help, He'll bail me out or lead me out or whatever He thinks best. May God bless each of you. Reach for your higher power. He will hear you...... |
| While reading DDWearsmeout 's blog entries about the twelve step program for sorting out things in your life, I decided I wanted to do the steps with her but in my own blog to elaborate more in my own way. I have her permission and blessing to work the steps with her. I am not doing this to hurt anyone or to gain sympathy. This is all about ME. Step One- Debs version "Invalid Entry" Step One- the Diva Way “We admitted we were powerless over the actions, feelings, insecurities of other people (him) and powerless over the way they (he) react(s) to my wants and needs ---that our lives had become unmanageable.” I cannot continue to beat myself up over the way this relationship has ended. I cannot make him happy or sad or content or rich or poor or whatever. I cannot make him love me, need me, want me. I can only control myself and my reactions to my feelings. I am powerless over his actions. I am powerless over his lies but I do have control over what I will believe and what I won't. Like Bugzy, I forgive to keep the peace. I can't do that anymore. It has made my life unmanageable and I'm ready for it to stop, NOW! Note: There are so many things I can't say for fear of hurting feelings that I will continue this step as a private entry so as not to "air" too much dirty laundry. Like I said, I do NOT want your sympathy as I have been accused of wanting; just your support to LET THIS GO!!! Once and for all..... Luv ya, mean it |
| Happy New Year Dude! By popular request, we will have a new dude for each holiday to decorate my blog. Now, if I can just find a genie who will turn them "real". Still up to my arse in tax bills. January 5th is the due date and human nature causes last minute payments. Water bills went out on Monday and the alligators will be out in full force today and tomorrow. Keep good thoughts and if I make it until about the 15th, maybe life will slow down. Luv ya, mean it Oh, here's New Year Dude in case you didn't see him above  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| http://youtube.com/watch?v=4Y2E0XEaJEM Where will do you see yourself in 30 years? 20 years? 10 years? next year? I've always been told that "today is the first day of the rest of your life". Even though we celebrate New Year's Day as a fresh, new start; we could really start any day of the year being a better this or that, doing more of this or that. I don't really have any resolutions to make. I've already made my affirmation for this year to be all about me, me, me. Guess my stepmonster will be thrilled. She already tells me that I'm selfish and I'll spend the rest of my days alone and that I stay home too much and don't socialize enough. It's time to replace "Straw Man" with something different. Any ideas? I just can't seem to let him go. I can't leave him there all year. That would be kinda like leaving your Christmas lights on the porch all year. I actually went out of the house last night and saw the band "The Fat Cats". And look, here's the new Diva readying herself for a new year. Check out that smile. Looks like it could melt a heart. It's deceiving........  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Happy New Year to each of you. May all your dreams and wishes come true for this year and always. The only thing I ask of you this year is to continue to be my support and my inspiration. AND Laugh everyday. Find something or someone funny and LAUGH! Luv ya, mean it |
| If you haven't already, please say a special prayer for my friend, David McClain and his family. Run on over to his blog and leave some encouragement. It's nice to know we have each other in a time of need! Our hearts and prayers are with you, David. Now, I'd like you to meet part of my family. I'm adding some photos from the past few weeks. Enjoy "Invalid Item" I had a house full. Do NOT tell anyone that I can cook. I have maintained through the years that I can NOT. Don't ruin my bad reputation. |
| Yes, it’s rather early to be making resolutions. This isn’t exactly a resolution, just an affirmation. I received an email yesterday from the ever so wise Dave Gordon . The meat of the email lead me to the following: 2008 will be my year. I will take hold of it and embrace it and turn it into my trick pony. I’ll make it prance around the ring in a feathered headdress while the crowd cheers and marvels at my mastery of it. The troubles of the past years will be little dogs riding atop my pony in little tutus. How’s that for a visual. Thanks Dave! You’re the best! I’m still looking for a graphic to decorate my blog so I don’t forget this promise to myself! I hope you all had a great Christmas. My son and his wife came and spent the night. We visited my son’s stepbrother in the hospital early on Christmas morning and it did a world of good for all of us. We should all be thankful for blessings we take for granted. Wesley was in a four wheeler accident about 4 weeks ago with a horrible prognosis. Miracles never cease. He was sitting up and able to drink fluids and talk and laugh with us yesterday. He has been moved to rehab with a full recovery expected. He is a very lucky 22 year old and it did my heart good to see my ex and my “wife-in-law” with my son. Wesley kept telling the nurses that his “family” was there to see him. He included me in that. Can you say “dysfunctional”? Seriously, they are all good people and they have hearts of gold. I gave my dad some graphics for his golf cart and he was all smiles yesterday afternoon. Those smiles are what I live for.......Enough about Christmas; now on to the New Year. Here’s to new friends, old friends, love, laughter, happiness and most of all; ME I expect you guys to remind me of this entry when I fall by the wayside. Luv ya all, Really mean it |
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A wonderful tribute to a wonderful man. You were indeed blessed to have him as your father.