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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| I just got a letter from the company that hired me last week. This letter was a "Thank you for your interest, but no thanks." I almost birthed a cow right there at the mailbox. Turns out, after closer observation. This was a rejection letter for the supervisory position I applied for before I settled in for a Tech position. So... as far as I know, I'm still expected to show up May 5th for orientation. Whew... I thought I had failed the pee test and so they were canning me! I feel the emotional cRaZiEs coming on. Yes I do... I've had just a feeling of hopelessness when really there is nothing wrong. Can't say I feel like to much is really right, but nothings wrong. Take that back! 150 days sober, that feels right. Yesterday I was not in a social mood. I didn't walk outside not once. I slept most of the day. I've been just really tired. Craving all kinds of food, a bit swollen... and yep... a lovely blemish magically appeared on my chin. I got married today... 13 years ago at 2:00PM. It is also my Great Aunt Lucy's birthday. She died when I was 13. Let's see if she were alive now, she would be... 96 years old. She was a good Aunt. No children of her own so she made my brother and I the apple of her eye. Honey buns and Wrigley juicy fruit gum will always remind me of her, the yellow kind. I've been cooking this afternoon. I woke up fairly earlier. Got a call from another place I had applied, set up an interview on Friday, but still not sure if I will go. This job is 100% commission. It might be good for on the side of my real job. But really... I am not a salesman. I finally cooked the chicken potpie I been talking about. I'm going to throw together a salad; made some bread croutons with garlic, parsley and Parmesan cheese. This evening I will deliver this meal to mom and Mike for them to enjoy. Not sure if I will stick around and eat with them. I really should make a meeting tonight. Really don't feel like making a meeting... but will most likely be glad I did. I'll be back! Fair warning... |
| I have a cat hair in my eye. Right one. I just got back from an Al-anon meeting. Well two hours ago My friend Kathy got her one-year chip tonight. I told her I would go to honor her during this meeting, like last week. Tonight she reminded me. Damn... I had to kick my butt out the door. I'm glad I did. I think I'm one of those too. Well... of course I am. I've been reading the Al-anon book for the last two hours, fascinating in deed. Al-anon is a twelve-step program for relatives and friends of alcoholics. Kathy has been a member of Al-anon for the last year. They meet in the small non-smoking room in the front of our building. Twenty-one days ago she came into the Alcoholics room. After doing her own self-examination with the aid of Al-anon, she soon recognized she was an alcoholic of sorts. I had to wipe the tears from my cheeks as I listened to her story. She is a doll. She came up to me after a meeting a few weeks ago after I had shared on the topic of "insanity". Said she could relate to what I had said and wanted to exchange phone numbers. She is currently involved with a married man, one that is a full fledge active alcoholic. I try not to get involved in that. Whenever she tries to bring it up, I just tell her to talk with her sponsor about it. It's a very dangerous situation for her. Extremely... obviously this is a very sick man. Two sickie's only make each other sicker. Tatum came up to me as I exited the Al-anon meeting. "You been in there with them?" He's a big guy, blonde haired, redneck-talking hoot. "Don't you know they are way sicker than we are?" Tatum was in rehab with me. He is the only one that is still sober, besides me. He was the first person to come up to me at my first AA meeting and say hello. I was disappointed when I learned he was married. He is exactly my age almost to the month. If he wasn't married... I'd... Anyway... It's been a good day! Besides my head tries to make it a bad one. 95% of everything is damn OK, but I want to focus on the 5% that isn't. Figures... All it takes is just a change of mind... sometimes a bunch of them! I'm sticking my nose back in the book...  Cat hair still in my eye. All the cat's fault! If she didn't have hair... I wouldn't have to suffer! See told ya I was Al-anon too!  |
| Gosh. ** Yawn ** Yesterday, I sat at the House-For-Sale until ONE PM. Finished a book, got sunburned on ONE arm and visited with the ONE young couple with child that came to look. Then ran over to the other House-For-Sale (that I sat at last weekend) to show a couple that had called me. As I gave them the tour, another family came in to see. Hey... I'm getting good at this house showing business. Startin' to act like a pro. * Straightens Collar * I do believe I will continue this on weekends after I start my new job even. Easy Money... Since my sleeping has been erratic since I've been jobless, I was so sleepy when I finally got home yesterday. I lazed around, watched television and was asleep before 7PM. My mother phoned me at 8PM, a phone sits next to my bedside table but I slept right through it. I was tired... I awoke this morning at 4AM. Cooked some breakfast, did the dishes, decided to go back to sleep. I heard the rain hitting my bedroom window. I love rain. I just love a rainy day. So I turned out all the lights in my place, lit two candles, and opened my balconies sliding glass door. My living room sofa is positioned just right so that I can lay on it and stare out of the balcony and up into the crying sky. It was lovely. I turned on relaxing music; snuggled up with the fluff ball cat and just kept it simple. Whispered sweet nothings to my Savior and enjoyed the simple pleasures of life. It wasn't long before I was nodding out again. So I made my way back into the bedroom, imagine I resembled a little girl with my pillow in hand and blankie trailing behind me. Drifted off again until noon. Slept like a baby with the overcast skies and gentle tapping of raindrops on my window. I usually go over to my mother's house after church on Sundays and we have lunch and either watch a movie or play cards, once we worked on a puzzle. (First puzzle I've ever sat still long enough to find pieces that fit) This Sunday I didn't go to church or to Mom's. Instead I went to the grocery store. Actually had to drag myself out the door to go. I'm just that lazy. But I wanted to cook up some stuff today. Like I was on my book reading spree the other day. Today was a cooking spree. I'll tell ya what set me off... watching the Food Network Channel! Just popped all kinds of ideas into my brain. It was a force I had to reckon with. I cooked Strawberry Shortcake from scratch. I haven't tried it yet because I'm stuffed to my capacity with Chicken Fajitas. My mother called as I smashed my avocados for my guacamole dip, asked what I was doing, I told her. "You're cooking that for just yourself?" As if insinuating that I shouldn't go all out on cooking Fajitas until I have a man and some kids to cook for or something. Please... I even use my best china for meals I eat all by myself. I plan on cooking a homemade Chicken potpie and taking it over to mom and Mike this week for us to dine on. My mother works 8-5, just like I did and will... so she will appreciate that, I do believe. I also wanna try my hand at some mini hamburgers. They are so CUTE! You put little meat patties like 2 inches on dinner rolls or biscuits. All the same fixin's but just mini size. Cute cute cute This is my last week before going back to work on next Monday. I better live it up! Finish those 15 books I've started. Cook my little heart out. I should clean out my closet, put summer clothes up front. I should also clean off my balcony. I have a billion computer parts laying out there. I'm going to trash them all and make room for my plants; the weather is good for them to go back out. I'll do this soon... Someday... but not today. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching during this time of unemployment. Personal and also in a career based sense. I'm just a few chapters away from finishing the book I checked out from the library. ‘What Color is your Parachute?' by Richard N. Bolles. I highly recommend this book to anyone that is searching for their passion in life. I've learned much about myself while reading and doing the exercises he suggests. He is also a Christian author and uses biblical principles as foundation to his suggestions. Very enlightening book... He has suggested that I write 7 stories about two paragraphs long. These seven stories should be about things that I did just because they were fun, or because they gave me a sense of adventure and/ or a sense of accomplishment, from any time in my life. Thus far, I have written two of the seven stories. One is a childhood event and the other one is just right after marriage and regarding my first encounter with a religious hypocrite and how I found my own truth regarding that matter. Maybe someday I'll dive into those stories but today... is not that day. Click  for the mood of this day and blog... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8ZeBog2yFM I would like to clean out my portfolio, trash most of it. I'm not the same person that wrote much of what is in my port, it's time to start anew. But again... not today... Especially when we spend a lot of time in self-examination, we must give ourselves a break. We have to spend a day just doing what helps us relax and unwind. Sleeping, reading, cooking, watching crap like L&O, the history channel, forensic files... these activities help me relax and step out of myself for a while, and that is exactly what I've been doing all day. Everyone should spend at least ONE day a week ... taking it easy. I'm fixing to dive into my strawberry shortcake and watch some more of the boob tube.  |
For the life of me, I could not sleep last night... or this morning, whatever. I finally fell out a little after 7AM. I know this because my cell phone alarm clock buzzed me, I silenced that little yelper, and must have exited reality soon there after since the next thing I remember, Sheree is calling me at 11AM apologizing for not being able to make it over for breakfast this morning. I'd have you know I've been sitting here waiting on your call for the last two hours! Not! I didn't say that. My groggy dead ass voice asked if she could make it to our café for lunch before she and her hubby left for Dallas. She obliged. I threw the hair in a pony, showered in baby powder and deodorant, threw on yesterday's shorts and T-shirt.  Brushed my teeth and off I flew, not even a rub to the Meowster ‘s head. No time my little friend I was in dire need of coffee. In my world, there is no life before coffee. I sipped happily on a few cups of Joe as I awaited Sheree and her husband. Then indulged in a chicken salad for breakfast lunch over a pleasant three-way conversation. I then began the process of guzzling water for I knew my next destination would be the downtown lab. Got to pee for new employer. A buff man in nursing scrubs took my paperwork and asked me loudly in the front waiting room if I would be able to urinate. Uh... Sure! I think I can. I think I can. You know peeing in a cup is not an easy thing for a woman to do. I have not mastered cup peeing yet. I do believe I'm getting better at it though. However, I didn't have as much pee in holding as I thought I did. He made a mark on the ½ cup level asked that I try to fill it to there. I didn't even make the ¼ mark. I walk out the bathroom just distraught with my pee cup in hand; felt like I just failed the exam. "I'm so sorry... This is all I got!" He laughed, said it would suffice. Back to the house ... been doing lot's and lot's of reading! I'm on vacation! Minus the paid part... but still. I've enjoyed kicking back, relaxing with my glass of sweet tea and chocolate bar. A mountain of books covers my king-size bed. I have that alcoholic mindset! One is not enough and a thousand is never too many! That doesn't just count with drinks, ya know!So I've done some stepping today. Yes... As I think I've said before, I've decided to teach myself some ‘stick-it-to-it-ness" and not bail out the first time someone makes a mistake, so I will continue to work the steps with Lucy. But... I'm doing my fifth step with Sheree. FYI - Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I didn't think I would have a problem doing it with Lucy until I wrote out my fourth step today. FYI - Step 4: Made a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves. I've since realized that I've got some ugly still left down deep. Some stuff that I can't even blog. Stuff that I could barely even hand write on paper. I know! That's weird because I'm one to air out my dirty laundry right here in front of everyone, but... this stuff is top secret, today. Mostly because it is centered around area's that are still very vulnerable to me. The wounds are still in the beginning stages of healing. I haven't built a trust with Lucy as of yet and I can't talk with her about what I've written down, I think she will understand. She will have too. Sheree, I can trust. I can trust that what I tell her will stay with her. I can also trust that she will not judge me cause I know she loves unconditionally. I will share a bit of a bit of what I learned or admitted about myself today. I am a firm AA big book thumper... don't misunderstand but because I am a Christian and have full knowledge of who my higher power is, I also use another workbook based on biblical teachings and not just for alcoholics but for anyone that needs emotional healing in any area. It's titled, The Twelve Steps - A Spiritual Journey. It's the same steps, the same idea... only this workbook talks about Christ and uses scriptures as reference. It also goes much more in depth. I mean MUCH more... I actually bought this book over a decade ago, back when I didn't even drink. Though it's been sitting on my bookshelf, well numerous of my different bookshelves, over the last ten years, with only part of the first chapter explored. I knew then that someday I would need it, I guess. I use to spend hours and hours at Hastings and at the library. Back when I bought this book my ex-husband and I was together and we had only one vehicle. I would get so caught up... lost in the world of books that I would forget to go get him from work. We didn't have cell phones at that time either. I remember one day; it was over two hours after I should have been at his job to get him. I had the car AND the house keys and well... I was spellbound by something at the local library. I'm sitting in the back of the library with five different books open, a note pad, and I'm just steadily writing away, using these books as reference or whatever. I look up and he's standing over me with his hands on his hips. His expression still haunts me to this day. He was pissed! He had got a ride from a friend and knew exactly where I would be. Hey... In my defense, I had no watch! Who's to know it would have made a difference, but still! So this workbook has many different suggestions, questions, ways of purging deeper into your soul. They suggested I write my version of the Fourth step. Jen's Version: BOLDLY examined my behavior and motives thus created an arranged list of my personal assets and liabilities. I hide from reality by getting angry. Anger is the emotion that usually surfaces and hides all other emotions. Again, I hide from reality by getting angry. I get angry when I don't understand. I get angry when I feel wronged. My heart is full and ready to be angry. It's how I learned to cope during my childhood. Anger: excessive emotion or passion ensued by a sense of injury or wrong. When I become angry I am denying my true feelings. Anger only makes what I'm feeling worse. It makes it harder to see the real meaning behind my behavior. Because of the anger, I will usually cause myself more trouble by saying things I may not necessarily mean and even at times violently acting out and physically attacking others. When we repress or inappropriately express anger, we may experience resentment, self-pity, depression, jealousy, anxiety and stress. All of these emotions represent a form of repressed anger. Anger is a major source of many problems in the lives of adults who were reared in chaotic homes. In our chaotic homes, the turmoil was so intense that we either denied our anger or expressed it inappropriately. We felt is was safer to protect ourselves and simply hoped our feelings would go away. They didn't. No, they came back with vengeance. Though, I have come so very far in dealing with the undercurrent of anger. I still recognize it as being my shelter. I use anger as a protection... a safe haven, to mask what I'm really feeling. Well... it may have helped me out when I was a kid living in an abusive home, but now as an adult, if not felt, released and let go... it could very well be the death of me and or someone else for that matter. Too deep... I also learned through my writing out of a fourth step today, that fear was my number one reason for bailing out of the old job. I was afraid of how I was preparing to respond to dopeman's mistreatment. I've blogged before about my visions of harming this man. After his attack and my boss lady offered no support, I felt I was then left to my own devices and protection. I do believe I made the best choice I could have made in that situation. I am very pleased with my decision to walk away. And so damn thankful that I didn't go where my mind wanted to take me. Survival Skills... I learned a few of those early in age. Tiptoeing around my father, I did in adult life just as I had learned to do in childhood as a means of survival. I would listen to him and seldom speak. When I did speak up it was usually a ‘made up' creative lie to win his approval. Still... never worked, maybe got a good chuckle from him now and then. Regardless of how I really felt, I would tell him what he wanted to hear, in childhood to save my ass... and I carried that into adulthood as well. Until Christmas 2007 when he returned my call with an attitude telling me he had a gift for me THIS YEAR (shock) but that I would have to travel to Dallas to pick it up. It wasn't even what he said, because that's just my dad. I think I was at my breaking point. I had... had enough. I left those childhood survival skills behind that day and exploded all over that man. I have never talked to him in the way I did that day. It was like 20 years of rage just poured out of me and I just let it rip instead of repressing. I was so emotional and angry that I couldn't even say what I really wanted to say... instead it came out as hatred and rage. I haven't talked to my dad since that day. Today... I have no intentions of doing so. Tomorrow that could change, but today... he is unhealthy for my recovery. And my recovery comes first. This was also the day Greta and I came to blows. I was on a rage. She couldn't handle it. The details cease to matter at this point. We don't get good when we get sober, but with any luck at all, we get better. I don't hold resentment against Greta anymore. I am indifferent towards her and I do not want to be friends. However, I can see that she has some good in her and I wish her blessings. Whewwww! I'm getting angry talking about anger being my biggest character flaw! Ok... So this is just the beginning. I'm just taking stock right now. I'm just looking at what's in the inventory, the following steps will bring about the phases of healing and teach me again the tools of which I can utilize. I some times don't know what I'm feeling. I think that some things have been pushed so far back that I don't see or recognize them. Sometimes anger surfaces and I have not a clue why. My toes are freezing but the rest of me is burning up! I'm so damn sleepy! I'm going to bed early tonight... like right now! Tomorrow I will work another open house for Sheree and earn some more easy money. Well... There's a few of my liabilities. I'm an angry volatile bitch ( Mama Deb might read this) and well I'll have to work the twelve steps specifically on my relationship with my father... if I desire healing to come. And I do... not for him, but for me. So what is my greatest asset? I'm very compassionate... the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it ... I'm a giver, baby! I care very much about you... and would do anything in the world for someone I loved and even for someone I didn't. Ok, Now I feel good... Time to sleep! |
He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. ~ Psalm 103:12 If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. - Page 44, Alcoholics Anonymous I use to be the girl at the party that had one beer in front of her the entire night. After several hours it would become so warm and distasteful that I couldn't even force a drink of it upon myself. I would soon ask the waitress to take it away and bring me a soda. I'd step out back of the bar, burn up a joint with anyone that was interested. I loved to smoke weed. I would even venture to say that Marijuana was/ is my drug of choice. My drinking career started at the age of 23, when I left the husband of my youth. I still smoked but I found that drink effected me much different, much better. Alcohol made me audacious. I could dance and not care who was watching. I could speak my mind and not care if you liked it. After several drinks, I could sing and dance on the karoke stage. I could walk up to a stranger and ask him to dance. If he said no, it effected me not. I moved right along to the next attractive man. The drink took all my insecurities and fears away. The drink took away my sensitive nature and allowed me to lose control. Which felt really good to me since most of my life I had either completely dominated OR been completely dependent on another. Emotional insecurities led me from one extreme to the next, but alcohol numbed those emotions and as long as the buzz lasted I could just simply not care about you, me or anything or anyone. For a time... all was just utopia. Here I am Lord and I'm drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest I don't want to end up where You found me And it echoes in my mind It took FOREVER for me to really come to believe that I was an alcoholic of sorts. I didn't drink everyday. I've never sold my shoes for a high. I've never swallowed my own vomit to keep my buzz. I went to work most days. I could go days without a drink! My definition of an alcoholic: that poor bastard sleeping under the bridge, clenching that brown paper sack that held a cheap 32oz bottle of beer. That's an alcoholic! I was just a party girl. I just like to have fun. I just needed the drink to loosen me up. I was just having a good time. So, ok yeah... I knew that I had some emotional issues but I was no alcoholic. I just had a knack for picking the wrong men. I'm just young... it's just a phase! I could quit anytime that I wanted to (so I thought)... I just didn't want to! After work every other day, I would stop at the corner liquor store. A bottle of cheap whisky, a bag of ice and a three liter of Sprite, only $12.98. The liquor store clerk knew me by my car and would have my purchase awaiting me before I even made it in the store. It wasn't long before he knew me by name. He's name was Randy (not THE Randy), an attractive man with big ears and big brown eyes. He would later become my cocaine connect. I would become his marijuana connect. Making our trade right in the liquor store drive thru. Which in turn made my visits there much more frequent, like several times daily. Keeps me awake tonight I know you've cast my sin as far as the East is from the West And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away I was a binger. Once I started there was no telling where or when I would end. I would spend three or four days twisting off, breaking laws, calling in sick to work, snorting cocaine, smoking speed, bar hopping. I would usually bring most of the occupants of a bar to my home after the closing time, but ONLY if they had party favors. I had a knack for spotting the one's that did and thus befriending them. I would do anything with anyone if I were drunk enough. I had no conviction of right or wrong while I was on a spree. I was completely out of control. Finally... when the party ended and the booze and the money were gone. I would start cleaning house. Get rid of all the strays I brought in. Go back to work, kiss the boss's ass and make up some dramatic event to get the boss's sympathy. Play the victim. Start talking to God again. Throw those 911 prayers up, bargain with Him, make promises I knew I couldn't keep. Borrow money. Make sure the bills were paid. All was taken care of. Walk a straight line until I felt better and the consequences of the last spree were lessened. Then... I'd do it all over again and twist away. Forget all about the promises I made to God. Grab hold of some resentment towards ANYONE and let it be my reasoning for another spree. I was later fired from this job. For a long while, I honestly felt like they did me wrong. It wasn't until after a year in recovery that I've since recognized the fact that NOT ONCE did I clock into that job as a sober employee. When I wasn't on my bingeing spree I always had marijuana maintenance. There were many times I sat in my office working on critical data entry and I was flying high on speed. On speed, it's impossible to be detail oriented. You think you are, but you're not. I made a lot of mistakes in my work and that was later the reason for termination. Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west ‘Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been rising up in me again So I was forced to clean up. I had to find work. I had to stop smoking marijuana. I didn't think I would ever be able to do that. It was almost as hard as stopping drinking. I rationalized, being the intelligent woman that I am... I knew I would now stick with the drugs that stay in my system for 3 days instead of 30. After all, I'm a businesswoman; I have to make sacrifices for my career. I won unemployment benefits from old company and that gave me time enough to get clean. I sobered up, lost contact with many but not all of my old friends and I began the process of change. I got hired on at the food bank. I was clean and able to pass a drug test. I soon met Bobby and fell head of heels for him. He was completely anti-drug but alcoholic all the way. I've often remarked about how we didn't date... we drank. It was at this time that I experienced my first black out. I would wake up in the morning and not know what happened the night before. I would call Bobby and he wouldn't answer the phone. After numerous attempts at contacting him, Finally he would answer and tell me how I cursed and hit him the night before. He would show me where I keyed his truck and the bruises on his body. I had no memory of any of it. I would kiss his ass and beg for him to come back to me. He did for the first two months. I soon rationalized again... I'll stop drinking whisky; whisky makes me mean... In fact, I had a barmaid refuse to sell me whisky at one point for that very reason. So it's the whiskey's fault. I'll drink beer from now on. I soon realized that beer was packing on some pounds. I felt bloated and fat all the time and well... I wasn't acting much better. Ok, so I'll drink wine from now on. Oh the sweet sickness that brought into my life. It wasn't long before I started turning it all on Bobby. After all... he is a real alcoholic. I'm just a party girl. If he wasn't drinking well then I wouldn't be drinking. So I asked Bobby to come over and talk and I told him as gently as I could that he was alcoholic. BUT BUT... I was willing to help him. I loved him and I would go to any lengths to help him with his problem. He declined... walked out my front door and never came back. I dived right back into the whisky bottle. In the arms of Your mercy I find rest ‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west From one scarred hand to the other It was about this time that I found WDC and became a member. I had my first 30 days of sobriety about now. I wasn't sober, as I know what true sobriety is now, but I wasn't drinking or drugging either. I was so dry that had someone lit a match I would have burst into flames. I wasn't going to meetings. I wasn't asking for help. I really didn't think I had a problem. No it was everyone else that had a problem. I just kept getting dealt a bad hand. After that 30 days of sobriety I swelled up with self-deception and pride. After all, if I were alcoholic I would not be able to go thirty days without drinking. This was proof! I soon befriended a man at work. One many of you may remember as my first taste of sweet chocolate. Randy. I'd never dated a black man before but Randy had me wrapped around his finger from the first time I laid my eyes on him. He could have been bright purple and I wouldn't have cared. It wasn't long until I was introduced to crack/cocaine. I had tried it a few times before but never really got much out of it. This time it was much different. I smoked it and I liked it. Crack/cocaine took me places I never thought I would be. Crack/ cocaine is the fasted way to lose everything you've ever had... including yourself. Even now as I write about it, I can taste it. Crack/ Cocaine is the devil in a pipe. And it was that very thing that brought me to utter defeat. I voluntarily checked myself into a rehabilitation center, November 2, 2006. I start the day, the war begins Endless reminding of my sin And time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way I've talked about what it was like and what happened, but what's most important is what it's like now. A s I write this I've been free of any and all chemical substances 144 days, 14 hours and 16 minutes. I asked God to take the compulsion to drink and drug away from and He did, right then and there. God does give freely His grace to those who ask for it, and it is free of charge, but sobriety is no cakewalk. For faith without works is dead. It takes a lot of work...A lot of action, honesty, and continual spiritual maintenance from me. The very reasons I drank and drug before are still around. Life's problems haven't changed. It's my solutions to those very problems that have. Though I suffered less physical consequences than some have, the emotional consequences we're enough to beat me into a state of reasonableness. It's really no great trick to stop drinking; the trick is to stay stopped. I have to stay in contact with my God daily. I have to attend meetings with others who are going through what I'm going through. I've had to learn how to handle sobriety. For that's the very reason I drank in the first place... I did not know how to live life on life's terms. Those same insecurities and fears that I drowned before are alive and well today with no mask to hide beneath. Not every day is easy for me. I really feel like I'm still on that emotional roller coaster but this time without a visible seat belt. I'm walking by faith, doing what I believe to be the next right thing and clinging to the only thing I feel has any promise at all... Jesus Christ. He's showing me just how far the East is from the West. One scarred hand to the other... I know You've washed me white Turn my darkness into life I need Your peace to get me through To get me through this night I can't live by what I feel About the truth Your word reveals I'm not holding on to You But You're holding on to me You're holding on to me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyoVJfADlwo ~ Casting Crowns ~ These lyrics are found on http://www.songlyrics.com |
| For the first time, as far back as I can remember, I believe my spirit, soul and mind are still ... untroubled, at ease. There are no pressing issues, no obstacles to overcome, and no wrong to make right. Not right now... Not today... Maybe now I can start writing out drama instead of living it. This is the fresh breath of air I've needed. I think back over my life and I see it's been one dramatic event after another. I look back over the last two years, a different form of drama, but still chaotic. I am so grateful to no longer be an employee at the food bank. Day after day... it was always something. There was never a dull moment, never a moment of clarity either. Tomorrow I meet with Lucy to finish up my fourth step and dive into the fifth step. This is strange but I really don't have any resentments. I hold nothing against anyone. Not right now... Not today... I got hired today during my interview. The start out pay at this company is a dollar higher than what I was earning at the food bank after two years and several raises. The hours are Monday thru Friday, 8-5, weekends off. I have 90 days to go before the benefits come into play, but that's ok. I'm of good health, take no medicines, anticipating no surgeries of any kind. I only need to make a trip to the lab downtown and pee in a cup. This I actually appreciate, for one, I know that every employee there has to make a trip downtown and pee in a cup. That is assurance that I will be among the class of people I want and need to be around. I start this job May 5th. Will be in training for 4 weeks in a classroom. This company is huge. I've heard good things about how they treat their employees. They have been in business a good while, in fact, I turned a job down with them two years ago and chose to work at the food bank instead. It's good that I did. I don't know that they would have been as understanding about my dis-ease as the food bank was. I don't know that I would have went as far with another company as I did with the food bank. I knew they'd stick with me. Well... hell everyone else was drunk or high there too. I just fit right in... in the beginning. Everything happens the way it's suppose to. A few hours after the interview, after it stuck to me that this job will suffice. After I realized that I'd be making more money, allowed different challenges, meet new people and start anew. I began to feel a bit bored. Like... now what do I do? I have almost two weeks of freedom. Two weeks of doing whatever I want to do. Two weeks of kickin' it with me. No worries... No fears... No drama...Everything is Ok... Maybe I'll start doing all that stuff that I always wanted to do but never had time to do... maybe I'll start that now. |
| I have an interview in a couple of hours. It isn't a job that I'm very excited about, but it is a job. I'm almost certain they will hire me. I spoke with the recruiting representative at the job fair last Thursday. They have benefits; the pay is a bit better than what I was earning at the food bank. I'm overqualified for the position but this is a huge cooperation that is always in need of people. There is much room to grow. This is one of my "fall back" options. Since they called me in for an interview, I'll go and see what happens. As the recruiter told me, there is a month of training... so really, what have I got to lose? Tonight I'm going to a YOGO class with Connie. Gonna see what that's all about. Tonight I will go and just check it out, later will decide if I want to join and pay the fees to do so. Yesterday morning I got a call from Sheree telling me that single guy needs to meet with me to put money down on the house. She informed me that he would be calling me later in the day to make arrangements. She woke me up at 8AM with this info. That was good cause I needed to get my butt out of bed. I had set my alarms, but since I had a hard time sleeping through the night, I was just exhausted. But I got up... got dressed... really did not do much in the job hunting area but did do a bit of soul searching. Then decided I needed a nap. I dreamed that I was back at the food bank. I didn't know where to go or what to do. I couldn't figure out if I still worked there or not. I considered just leaving but felt obligated to stay. It was really a nightmare with no substance to it. Then single guy called and woke me up from my nap about 3PM. I'm glad he did cause I really needed to get my butt out of bed. I met him and his mom and a brother or maybe best friend at the house for them to look around again. He was suppose to give me a couple hundred bucks so to take the house off the market while he comes up with his own financing. He didn't give me the money. He said he had more questions for the owner. I can't blame him; this is a huge decision. There is an attraction between us. He is maybe a few years older than I am, and well I'm more interested in him than I am any of my job offerings, thus far. I think we know each other from somewhere. I think he knows from where, but I haven't recalled it yet. I have not come across a job, yet, that screams out to me. Right now there's nothing that I feel is right for me. I know that can change in a heartbeat. I hope ... I'm sure it will soon. I did some shopping for the house yesterday. Stocked up on some groceries and personal effects. I've really spent too much money eating out. My friends and I have a habit of meeting at this local café for fellowship. I enjoy it, but I need to be careful about purchasing a meal every time I go there. It's getting darn expensive. Michelle put a song in my head the other day! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIhhGVFKXoM God always waits till the last minute and then SUDDENLY... I guess He does that so our faith in Him will grow. I usually wear three earrings in each ear. Two diamonds and a small gold cross. I tend to lose the crosses a lot while sleeping or batheing. He knows how much those little gold crosses mean to me. They are an expression of my faith that I wear for all to see. I lost one yesterday morning, I searched everywhere for it to no avail. I said a little prayer I didn't ask... I assured myself that God would bring it back to me. This morning I found it, sitting an inch from the bathtub drain. I had already turned on the bathtub water when I spotted it, I believe it was divine that I was able to reach for it just seconds before it was washed away into the sewer. That was like confirmation for me... if God can save my cross earring when it's just an inch away from being lost forever. He can sure do it with my career. I must cooperate with God and always listen to my... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sJPUTTfNbg |
| It's been a productive day for me. I set my face like flint and stayed with my job hunting adventures until close to 4PM today. Took a few breaks and busted a move to Bon Jovi, It's my life! And Eye of the Tiger... and well my favorite motivational song of all by Des'ree... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhpZfltbnAQ It was flattering that rehab offered me extra money, unfortunately I'm still very doubtful about taking the job. I keep hearing wait... in my spirit. I did the God Box thing, pulled out two No's and one Wait. My morning mediation dated April 21st is titled, WAIT. Tonight's meeting topic was "Waiting on God's timing". hmmmmmmmm.... I do believe I will WAIT... continue with my job hunting as I planned to do and see what other opportunities arise. I only want God's Will for my life. That's the safest place in the world to be. Money is good, prestige is all right, the opportunity to work and help others suffering with addiction is AWESOME... but being in God's Will is what I want... the most awesomest of all. Well... I'm back to bed early again... and I really have not much to say... indecision ... another sign to wait. |
| Rehab offered extra 2 bucks an hour! Still no bennies... Still not even as much as I was making ... I asked for time to think upon the ramifications of such a thing Where's my God bag? |
| I called the rehab center this morning and told them that unfortunately I will be unable to accept the job because I can't live on the hourly pay they are offering. I told her I would be interested in training and working as a ‘fill in' on weekends or my days off from my primary job. She thanked me for my honesty. I've since been going through the yellow pages, finding websites and procedures for applying. I'm most interested in a non-profit outside of Midland. It is for battered women and children. I contacted them via email to ask for any administrative support job openings. Within minutes I received an email, no permanent positions available at this time but she asked that I forward my resume. So MAYBE... they will make a position for me! After running an errand for Sherree this morning, I returned home to find that the rehab center had returned a call to me. She left message asking that I call her to discuss other options. Maybe they're gonna give me some more money! Ya think?!?! I'll wait until after the lunch hour to return her call. I also had a call from AT&T. I signed in at their booth during the job fair, and they haven't wasted any time at contacting me. I got an email from them Friday and a phone call today. Gosh... I don't know about AT&T... it's like a last resort for me but they sure are pushy! I am going to write a cover letter this morning and continue my efforts through the yellow pages. Sherree asked that I do another open house for her next Saturday. Most definitely! I'm all about easy money! Well... My lunch break is about over, going to get atter again! Here's it is, my Cover letter and resume, Tell me what you think, any obvious errors? April 21, 2008 Ms. Give me a JOB! Name of Organization Address City, State, Zip Dear Ms. Give me a job: Having achieved many goals in my career, I am interested in expanding my professional horizons by seeking new challenges in the area of administrative or office support. I am interested in a position with your firm and have enclosed my resume for your review and consideration. As you can see, my career in administrative support is extensive. As a team member of your organization, I can provide: Computer expertise, with proficiency in all MS office programs (Word, Access, Excel, PowerPoint, and Outlook) Broad based experience covering a full spectrum of administrative duties, including but not limited to, executive support, office management, billing/invoicing, customer care, database administration, document preparation, travel/meeting coordination, and project/program support. Exude a positive image that will reflect well on your organization. I maintain calm under pressure and easily adapt to meet the unique needs of each employer. My resume will detail my skills and background. I welcome the opportunity for an interview at your convenience, and I thank you in advance for your time and consideration. Sincerely, Jennifer XXXXXX AND Resume: SKILLS Keyboard 80 WPM Excellent customer service, interpersonal skills, phone manner, and office etiquette. Management potential, initiative, and the ability to work independently. Strong multi-tasking skills Analytical thinker, able to prioritize work, and develop processes that monitor progress and company performance. Exceptional word processing, writing, and communication skills. Capable of performing and coordinating an office's administrative activities. Experienced with statistical and written reports as well as presentations. EXPERIENCE West Texas Food Bank, Odessa Texas March 2006 - April 2008 Responsible for handling most of the written and verbal communications between administrators, staff, the community and media Prepare reports, memos, letters and other documents, using MS Word, Access, Excel, PowerPoint, Publisher and Outlook. Provide training and orientation for volunteers and new staff Make travel arrangements for executives and guests Manage projects, fundraisers and food drive events Upgraded office filing system - organize and maintain paper and electronic files Attend Board, Administration, Staff and Agency meetings. Compile, transcribe, and distribute minutes of meetings. American Lenders Service Company, Odessa Texas December 2003 - March 2006 Assist field agents via phone Performed extensive data entry Skip-tracing Daily communication with clients and customers Billing/ Invoicing Education Technical/Vocational College - Certified legal assistant |
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