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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| Gosh... it's been a lazy day for me. I slept late again then went over to mom's house for our Sunday lunch. We watched a touching movie about some pups left behind in Antarctica. It's based on a true story, but only 2 out of 15 dogs really survived in the 1958 Japanese expedition. Here's a clip to the movie; some of you may have seen it already. I'm usually behind everyone else on movie watching. I love Disney movies, they are so inspirational. I came home and loved on the kit kat. This movie reminded me of how much I love that rotten furrball. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXkoGlxVbLY I got in a good meditation today, feel wonderful! I don't know what it is but I'm just so tired. I have been groggy most of the day. I do believe I will call it an early night. I'm going to make myself get up at 7AM all of this week and job-hunt as if it were a job. Well it is huh... My job is to job hunt. Going to ensure I put at least 8 hours into it a day. Turns out the single guy that came over to view the house yesterday morning made an offer for it today. So if he buys I get an extra $50. That rocks! I made me a God Bag today. God is such a trip sometimes. I've been thinking about making a God Bag for a while but just haven't done it. I read that suggestion online a few days ago, but I figured that was just silly. Well today I read my morning meditation books and one of them suggested flipping a coin when facing indecision. It's like that was confirmation of what had already been rolling through my brain. So I made a God box and asked God to speak to me through it. I wrote Lucy on one sheet of paper and Connie on the other. Who should I work the steps with? I pulled out Lucy's name three times. As I said before, I don't think Lucy meant any harm by suggesting I take one of her pills. Well I know she didn't, she just didn't know my history about pills. I need to tell her. I think it's best that I learn to stick with people even when they do make mistakes and stop thinking that it's all about me. So I'll tell Connie that I'm going to finish this round with Lucy. I'm going to start calling her more often too. Last night I went to a candlelight meeting. It was awesome. The topic was resentment. MAN... resentments kick my butt. That is where I heard a man share and say "It's not as important what you think of me, as it is of what I think of you." What you think of me, really can't hurt me, unless I let it. But what I think of you... can hurt me. Resenting someone is like drinking poison and hoping it hurts that other person. So I've decided on focusing more on what others do right, then what they do wrong. It's in my best interest. Then my other meditation book spoke about setting deadlines. HA! Another confirmation... I'm in a good place today. It's been getting better each day. I'm so thankful for the peace I feel inside. In the past... there would have been no way I could have peace such as this in a time such as now. Today... I know that everything is going to be alright. I feel it all the way into my bones. In the morning... I'm waking up at 7AM, reading my meditations, going for a power walk, going to bathe and dress as if I intend on clocking in at a jobsite. I'm chasing after what I want... boldly, confidently and at full force. I called Denny today and lots of others. Denny has left me several messages in the last few weeks but I hadn't returned his call. I've just had so much on my mind, well actually the truth... I was resenting on him for not calling when he said he would. I didn't plan on talking to him anymore but God's been working overtime on me... he's teaching me how to be merciful and forgiving and to stop making mountains out of mole hills. I don't know what a girl like me would do without a God like Him... be a miserable ol' bag... |
| What you think of me, doesn't matter as much as what I think of you. I think you're grrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttt!  |
| Eight o'clock in the morning, the alarm on my bedside table screeched for my attention. As well as the alarm sitting on the TV at other end of bedroom. Then just seconds later, my cell phone alarm chimed in. Yep... I set three alarms to ensure I awoke this morning to fulfill my commitment of House-For-Sale, sitting. I think that's the easiest $50 I've ever earned. Three people showed up to look at the house. One guy on a bicycle with tattoos on his shaved head. I think he was mostly interested in the free sodas and candy I had set up in the vacant kitchen. My new sponsor, Connie, brought her son over to scope the house out. Then a gentleman about my age, who made it clearly known that he, was single. Ok, well ... he wasn't hot hot hot... but he was single and my type, per say. I wasn't very sociable though. I've noticed I've climbed into my shell a bit here lately. I've just got so much on my mind. After he left, I asked myself ... Now... why didn't you slap the sweetness on him? He tried for a conversation and I just let it go cold. I was a bit enthralled by the book I was reading when he interrupted. Yep...Still reading up on ‘How to find the perfect job'. I have found a lot of job hunting suggestions, interviewing tips and ideas on how to get into the line of work I most desire. It's really fascinating and informative. I'm gonna be a pro at this job hunting expedition before the weekends up! I have applied a number of places, but I still don't feel as if I am doing enough. I'd like to set myself a daily "quota" but then again... I don't want to just APPLY randomly at places that don't interest me either. I'm giving myself this week. ONE more week... if I haven't attained a very strong possibility of a ‘job' that I really want... well then I'm going to lower my standards a bit. But one more week... to get where I want to be before I settle for AT&T or what I refer to as "quick jobs". (Anything that will just pay the bills and put fuel in the belly and car). One more week! This week I will focus on applying for administrative support at schools, counseling centers, mental health clinics and maybe even a few local churches and at the local newspaper. These are the types of organizations that will get my foot in the door of what I believe to be CLOSE to my ‘mission'. Working as the secretary at these facilities isn't exactly what I want BUT it will get me on the inside. Thus, I can begin the upward climb. I've been out of work almost two weeks now. I have enough money put back to pay my bills for two months. I think I can hang with three weeks out of work, two weeks till the next paycheck... so I'm going to just take a chill pill and give myself another week. By next weekend... I'll for sure know what I must do and will have to do something... even if it's what I don't want, but I'm thinking I will find what is out there for me, very soon. The winds of change blow through our life, sometimes gently, sometimes like a tropical storm. We do have our resting-places, time to adjust to another level of living, time to get our balance. I think I needed this two weeks as a time to catch my breath. I have no regrets about leaving the old job. I've given it some time, I've thought it through, the emotions have subsided and I am more convinced than ever before, that I stayed at that job too long, I should have left at the first of the year. I'm thankful that I don't have to go back there to work. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know I like the idea of taking a risk with tomorrow a lot more than I do the idea of going back to where I've been. I was white knuckling my sobriety there. It was a daily struggle. They tell us in recovery we have to change everything .Go to any lengths to stay sober. For the last year, my sponsor has suggested I look to see what other jobs are out there. For the last five months, not only, was I white knuckling my sobriety but also my sanity. BUT when my mental and physical safety was threatened, thus I was denied any support from my boss, it was my breaking point. I left everything. I haven't gone back for my plants, my coffee cup (which I miss already), or any of my certificates that I had on file; my mothers' cook books... none of it. I was forced to clock out and leave my assignments and projects half ass ... that's exactly how they remained. At least I did have the courtesy to contact Dawn via email and advise she would need to retrieve her report off my desk and apologized that I would be leaving it incomplete. I felt leaving like this was my only option. I was done with that job months ago but I just kept hanging on for fear of change. I was resisting the winds of changes. I tucked my head down and bucked the wind, hoping that things would quickly calm down, get back to the way things were. The thing is... that place didn't change. It was I... that changed. Unless I went back to the old me, it was never going to be like the way things were. I'm not doing that for anyone. Really... I have much gratitude for West Texas Food Bank. Through that job, I've gained skills and experience. I learned to adapt and get along with so many different personalities. I sobered up there! Really... my boss was so supportive during my time spent in rehab. She forgave me for showing up drunk to a food drive. She really had some good qualities about her and the food bank will always be a part of my story. There's no one to blame for our departure, not even dopeman. It doesn't matter anyway for it was divine timing. I can trust that my higher power has a plan in mind, even when I don't know where the changes are leading. I trust that the change taking place is good. I only need to let go of my resistance to the change. The winds will take me where I need to be... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CX6WHvxTYHs |
| When you start seeing what's wrong with most everyone you come across, the truth is, there's something wrong with you. I've heard others say that in meetings, I don't guess I ever really got it before, but I get it now. There was a time not so long ago that I was really resentful towards some people. Every person I looked at, I saw what was wrong with them instead of what was right with them. Truth is, there's a little right and a little wrong in us all. I have a tendency to put people on pedestals. In the past it was usually a man. THANK GOD it's not a man now. My sponsor tells me all the time to stop worshipping people. She's right, I do... My mother is one that I have on a pedestal. A few ladies here on WDC and well... my sponsor Sherree is on a pedestal. I think these ladies can do no wrong. I see something in them that I want, a trait, a way of looking at life, a strong faith, a loving nature, a kindness, a love that has no price tag on it, whatever it may be... and I trust them. Trust doesn't come easy for me, so for me to trust someone is huge. In the past when I would have someone on a pedestal and they made a mistake, treated me unfairly, failed to come through for me in a way I felt they should have, or just whatever... I would crash and burn. It would be like the world came to a blazing end and I was crushed. We are all but human, made of flesh, we will make mistakes. Even my beautiful Mom, who I love and adore with every fiber of my being, has a tendency to be negative. Even Awesome Sherree, who I love and adore... sometimes just isn't available because she has a busy lifestyle. People are just people. Damn, it's like a spiritual awakening for me to learn that I can love someone regardless of their imperfections. These days, I have a much more difficult time allowing myself to be imperfect. I'm harder on me than I am anyone else. I am a perfectionist. I can hardly stand to make a mistake, Say something wrong, mispronounce a word. And WHEN I do make these mistakes, I feel so stupid. My hair must be perfect. My makeup on perfect, if my clothes don't compliment my body style, I switch outfits 10 times a day until I find that perfect fit. And if I do have a bad hair day... I just can't get over it. It makes me miserable. A classic case of instincts run wild. I'm currently working my 4th step and maybe this is part of my fearless and moral inventory. This just came pouring out of me; I had no intentions of writing about such things. Adding to the list: I think I have to act, speak, look and do everything perfectly. So that's not so unnatural is it? We all want to aim towards the mark of perfection, but what makes this an instinct run wild is that when I miss the mark, I crash and burn. When my hair won't do right, I think I'm ugly as hell. When my clothes don't look just right, I'm so FAT! You ever seen a woman with lipstick on her teeth? I FEAR being that woman! When eyeliner blobs get stuck in the corner of my eye and I realize people been looking at me with it like that, I get extremely embarrassed. When I say something wrong or how I didn't mean for it to be said, I think I'm the sorriest woman that ever walked the Earth. Is this normal? Gawd, I hope not. What's the emotion behind it? Pride? Insecurity? Low self-esteem? Well... I didn't intend on blogging about such a topic but it came out, must be a good time for it. Recognizing something as being unhealthy is the first step to getting healthy. I've only known one perfect man and we crucified Him. Do I really want to be perfect anyway, if that's what it pays? Today... I slept till 1:30PM  ... I'm so embarrassed. I think I'm a lazy ass for that. Been thumping myself in the ear all day over it. I have to get up early and be run the open house for Sherree tomorrow. I think sleepy pills are kicking in now. Today I have spent most of my waking hours in meetings, hanging with others that are just like me and well... that's about it. The days fly by so fast. I really do need to get serious about this job hunt. A girl from my home group called me about 8 tonight and said she was thinking about drinking. She's been sober since April 8th, so I met her up at the club and we kicked it for most of the evening. She told me about her affair with this married guy. He drinks all day every day. He kept texting her as we sat in the café and talked. I didn't know what to say but it reminded me a lot of Shafter. When I first met Shafter, he was married. He died in July 2007. They found him in the backseat of his jeep, overdosed on loritabs and alcohol. I really just listened to Kathy and told her my story with Shafter, tried to not sound preachy or judgmental cause lord knows... we woman can fall hard for a man. Relationships are the main cause of relapse. I didn't tell her this, figured I'd leave it to her sponsor, and she really didn't ask about my experience so I didn't push it on her. I just listened mostly. She stayed sober another day and so did I. That's what it's all about. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and to help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. "I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that, I am responsible." |
| Stay away from that first drink, taking the 1st step daily ... Attend A.A. regularly and get involved ... Progress is made ONE DAY AT A TIME ... Do first things first ... Don't become too tired ... Eat at regular hours ... Use the telephone (not just after the fact, but during, too) ... Be active; don't just sit around. Idle time will kill you ... Use the serenity prayer ... Change old routines and patterns ... Don't become too hungry ... Avoid loneliness ... Practice control of your anger ... Air your resentments ... Be willing to help whenever needed ... Be good to yourself, you deserve it ... Easy does it ... Get out of the "If only" trap ... Remember HOW IT WAS: your last drunk, the feelings, etc. ... Beware of your emotions ... Help another in his/her recovery; extend your hand, listen ... Try to turn your life and your will over to your higher power ... Avoid all mood-altering drugs, read all labels on all medicines ... Turn loose of old ideas ... Avoid drinking situations/occasions ... Replace old drinking buddies with new A.A. buddies ... Read the Big Book ... Try not to be dependent on another (sick relationships) ... Be grateful, and when not: Make a GRATITUDE list ... Get off the "Pity Pot:" The only thing you'll get if you don't is a ring around your bottom ... Seek knowledgeable help when troubled and/or otherwise ... Face it: You are powerless over alcohol, people, and things ... Try the 12 and 12, not just 1 and 13 or 1, 12, and 13! ... Let go and Let God ... Use the God bag and the answers: yes, no, or wait: I have something better in store for you. Don't forget to say thanks ... Find courage to change through the example of others who have ... Don't try to test your willpower; give an alcoholic one shovel and one pail and in one hour he/she will need 100 wheelbarrows ... Live TODAY, not YESTERDAY, not TOMORROW: Projection is planning results before anything happens ... Avoid emotional involvements the first year; you end up putting the other person first and lose sight of YOUR problem ... Remember: Alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful ... Rejoice in the manageability of your new life ... Be humble: Humility is not in thinking of yourself more, but in thinking more of yourself less often. Watch your ego ... Share your experiences, strength, and hope ... Dump your garbage regularly. GIGO: Garbage In, Garbage Out ... Get plenty of RESTFUL sleep ... Stay sober for you, not someone else, otherwise it won't work ... Practice rigorous honesty with yourself and others ... Progress is made ONE DAY AT A TIME, not 10 years in one day ... Make no major decisions in the first year ... Get a sponsor and use him/her (not just selectively share) ... Know that no matter what your problems, someone's had them before. Don't be afraid to share, as a problem shared is a problem half-solved ... Strive for progress, not perfection ... When in doubt, ask questions. The only stupid question is the one not asked. You weren't afraid to speak before, so why start now ... Use prayer and meditation, not just pillow talk ... Maintain a balance: spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental ... Don't use other substances as maintenance control ... Watch out for the RED FLAGS, things that give excuses for poor behavior and inevitable relapse ... Learn to take spot-check inventories ... Know that it's okay to be human, just don't drink over it ... Be kind to yourself (it's about time, don't you think?) ... Don't take yourself so seriously; take the disease seriously ... Know that whatever it is that's causing pain, it shall pass ... Stay away from the DRY DRUNK SYNDROME as humanly as possible ... Don't give away more than you can afford to; your sobriety comes first and must be the number-one priority; protect it at all costs ... Take down those bricks from the wall around you; you'll be able to see the daylight better. Let people know who you are ... Get a home group and attend it regularly ... Know that the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train, but actually a ray of hope. Drop the negativity ... Know that you are not alone; that's why the "We" is in the steps ... Be willing to go to any lengths to stay and be sober ... Know that no matter how bleak and dark your past may be, your future is clean, bright, and clear if you don't drink today ... Stay out of your own way ... Don't be in a hurry; remember TIME: Things I Must Earn ... Watch the EGO: Ease God Out ... Protect your sobriety at all costs. Keep the light on you ... Learn to listen, not just to hear; be open-minded and non-judgmental ... Know that if your insides match your outsides, everyone looks good ... If the rest of the world looks bad, check yourself out first ... When all else fails, punt! Up the number of meetings! ... Remember FEAR: False Evidence Appears Real ... Remember FINE: Fouled-up, Insecure/insane, Neurotic, and Emotionally unbalanced; watch the FINE ...Handle what you can and leave the rest, don't overtax yourself. You can only accomplish so much in a given 24 hours ... Honesty and consistency are key factors in recovery ... Let the little kid in you out; learn how to laugh from the gut ... Gratitude is in the attitude ... Cherish your recovery. http://www.kenpeterscenter.com/sobriety.htm |
| I must keep calm and unmoved in the vicissitudes of life. I must go back into the silence of communication with God to recover this calm when it is lost even for one moment. I will accomplish more by this calmness than by all the activities of a long day. I can solve nothing when I am agitated. ~ 24 Hours a Day I will accomplish more by this calmness Than by all the activities of a long day. This was actually the meditation for April 15th in my little pocket book. This one line caught my attention but only briefly as I hurried through the day feeling that unless I could make a list of the days successes then I would somehow by someone, somewhere be labeled a failure. Who am I trying to prove myself too? Here I sit and my mind recalls what I feel my higher power spoke to me through the written word, two days ago. Why have I allowed myself to WIG out like I've done? A combination of old mindsets, behaviors. My shame-based nature collided with simply survival mode. The belief system that runs a constant scenario that it is "us" against the world - usually a world that is out to get us or do us wrong. My emotions have been in a primitive state. I've struggled every day with violent ups and downs between elation and despair. My spirits were high this evening, this morning it was nothing but anxious foreboding. Last night I felt so down and out. I tried to calm my mind, lay on the living room floor, turned up my relaxing tunes, and envisioned the huge hand of God taking all my difficulties into his care. Then about two seconds later a flashback of something I did back in my wild days came to mind. The shame engulfed me; the serenity I was seeking was completely gone. I enjoyed the job fair this afternoon. I hit it off with a recruiter from an oil field company in Midland. She was a character. A plump woman with stylish short brown hair loaded with a down to earth, straight shooting demeanor. She reviewed my resume... mumbling proudly, "Oh yeah. This is good." Then in the same breath, her approval switched to chastisement and she exclaimed, "I'm looking for computer skills! Do you have any computer skills?" Uh... yeah... "I'm going to give you a free tip here kiddo. Write your skills on this resume!" My resume is worded as such: Prepare reports, memos, letters and other documents, using word processing, spreadsheet, database, and/or presentation software. She was a bit offensive but yet dead right. I should have Word, Access, Excel, Powerpoint, Publisher, etc... actually on there. I just ASSumed that was a given. There's a host of opportunity out there. It's just a matter of going after what I want and not letting fears hold me back. Today I don't think I'll accept that job at the rehab because the pay is just too bad. I can go work for AT&T and make $4 more an hour. They are in such a bind that there's a sign on bonus. I could use them as my security blanket and make decent money while I find where I really want to be, or find my way into college classes. OR just whatever! Saturday I'm running an open house for Sherree. She is in Austin on a field trip with her school. Even after 19 years of sobriety, she expressed her concerns over dinner last night about going to 6th Street. There is no cure for this disease. We are all just one drink away from a drunk. I'm writing to a girl in prison for her third DWI. She wrote a letter to the club back in December. It went from hand to hand and finally ended up in mine. I mailed a response to her just yesterday. While driving myself to this job fair today, I heard this song on the radio. It brought tears to my eyes... because a battle of the voices is happening to me right now... The giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The giant keeps on telling me time and time again "Boy you'll never win, you'll never win." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hVeZJA8rJ4 But the voice of truth tells me a different story The voice of truth says do not be afraid And the voice of truth says this is for my glory Out of all the voices calling out to me. I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth. |
| What am I thinking? Accepting that job? I'm not so sure about that... time will tell. I'm getting ready for this job fair. I've never been to a job fair before so this is going to be an experience at that! Poofing my hair... but not too poofy! Dressing in my black suit.... But most important is the attitude I take with me. Gonna lay off the glitter eye shadow, but I love that stuff... it makes me shine... ok, only one little splash on the eyelids! I am great! I am a good Person! I will be a fine additional to your company! I'm Fantastic! AND I can pass a drug test! And well I'm not to bad to look at.  Thank God I look better than I feel right now, and I've been told I carry a confidence that I don't necessarily know about. Another book I am reading tells me to tell myself this stuff! So I'm doing it! I have much to offer a firm. I am positive, honest, loyal, passionate about my work. I'm a people person! I'm motivated, out going and flexible. I'm goal oriented! I'm a problem solver, baby! I'm looking for a company that I can grow with. One that will allow me to utilize my skills and require that I obtain additional skills! I'm looking for a challenge. From my place of business, I expect the option of achievement, progress, accomplishment. I also expect SUPPORT from my supervisor. These are the most important qualities I'm looking for. And plus I need BENNIES and good pay. Send lots of prayers, positive thoughts or vibes... as I continue to dress for success over here! This song always gets me reeffeeed up! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_PnAonQyBc |
| Your highest score was on Assertive, which means that you prefer working situations in which it is appropriate to assert authority over others and to direct and monitor their work. You also scored highly on Teaching / Social Service, indicating that you enjoy instructing people in learning new things, helping people solve problems, and assisting others. Your high score on the Writing scale means that you enjoy creative or technical writing. You are also likely to be interested in a broad range of subjects, so finding occupations that allow you to exercise these interests would lead to higher work satisfaction for you. I am not sure exactly what the link is to this particular career test. Had a blonde moment and just x'd it out without paste and copy. It was a long and tedious test. Put my commitment skills in check, for sure. I've taken so many. The results are all the same. Writing, teaching, counseling I can't very well follow my dream job without pursuing additional education. FOUR years to teach. At least TWO to counsel. I think I would be good at both. Right now I'm a bit down. First, because my tummy is upset. Every time I eat I get all kinds of rumbles and pains. I think I've dropped five pounds in the last two days because of it. This isn't a bad thing for a girl like me but it is aggravating as hell. I'm discouraged. I have no education. I have not the means to buy myself an education. I feel like I'm stuck like Chuck. The last time I applied for assistance from the government, they told me no. You're single. No kids. You go to work most days...we have faith in you... find a way! They wished me the best of luck and sent me on my merry way. I don't make enough money to buy an education. Through out the years, I wasted away the money that my grandparents had saved for my schooling. Through out my marriage, anytime we were in a bind; I called up Grandma and had her withdraw a couple thousand from my savings. She gave her warnings. She expressed her disapproval. I assured her that as soon as Tommy got that big raise, we would put it right back. We did this time and time again until there was nothing left. We never put it back. Instead of enrolling into college, I chose to check into the school of hard knocks. Now that Tommy has moved on with his new wife and family. Here I sit scanning the want ad's, looking for something to do with this life of mine. Nothing that I'm qualified to do even interests me. I'm reading this book about finding what you were put here to do, your calling... your mission. Mission: a special assignment that is given to a person or group; the purpose for which (one feels) one was born. And well I'm frightened, afraid that I'm going to be forced to spend my life doing what I have to do to just get by. So that I can put that $3.50 gallon fuel in my car. To purchase a dozen eggs for $2.26... Pay an electric bill that reaches over $300 in the summer. Or purchase myself a steak finger dinner priced at $8.99, $1 extra for spicy fries. It just doesn't make sense. It's as if I am being penalized for NOT getting knocked up. For NOT being on welfare. For being born a white woman in my own hometown. I'm being pessimistic. I know... Tomorrow I will be going to a huge job fair at UTPB. Many large companies will be in attendance. Maybe my dream job will just bite me in the butt tomorrow. I did take a job today. The pay is not acceptable. There are no benefits. BUT I just could not tell them no. They wanted me to start tomorrow. I asked that they give me till Monday. I just can't phantom the idea of sitting here with no monies coming in. So I grabbed hold of this security blanket. Something to pacify till a better opportunity comes knocking. My mother turned her nose up at me when I told her I accepted this job. Maybe something will come from this job fair, but if not, at least I know I have a paycheck coming from somewhere. Most of my job hunting is done via Internet anyway... So What the hell. It's the job at the Rehab center. I told them I would work with the girls but not the men. I'm sure I will enjoy it. I'm also sure it will be a benefit to my own recovery. Most definitely not a long term commitment. I did tell the woman that hired me this as well. Told her that I am interested in temporary work and that possibly in the future I can be used as a fill in on the weekends. She was cool with it. I do have another sponsor also. Her name is Connie. She has about ten years sobriety. She is also Sheree's sponsee but she is going to be a sponsor to me and work the steps with me. She told me today that she is hard on assignments. I can hang with that... just don't offer me a damn pill! I do not believe that Lucy meant me any harm at all. She just doesn't know me. If I had taken that pill, I would be on a spree right now. ADD medicine is a form of speed. She doesn't know that an over the counter diet pill set me off into a spree less than a year ago. She doesn't know that I use to take sleeping pills at 3PM to calm my damn nerves. She doesn't know about me purchasing Loritab's from dude at work on a regular basis, taking 8 within a 24-hour period and then adding whisky to the mix for a better effect. Had she known all of this, I think she would feel horrible. I don't want to hurt Lucy's feelings. She is sensitive like me. Unlike Greta... Greta walks in the room and people automatically stiffen up, she is just overbearing and naturally provoking, but Lucy is soft and kind, gentle and meek. I honestly believe she thinks she saw the symptoms of ADD in me and she truly wanted to help. I think her motives were pure, by all means. BUT for my own sanity, I do not want a sponsor that tries to feed me her prescription drugs. The few times I have called on Lucy in a time of desperation... both times she harped on and on about how she sees ADD in me. I told her I read the book and I don't feel as if I have many of the traits/symptoms/whatever. She tells me that we are always the last to see it. Just like before we admitted we were alcoholics, every one else saw that we were, before we did. So I tell her that I would prefer a doctor diagnose me and prescribe me the medicine if he deems fit. She agrees, conversation topic changes for two minutes then she is once again telling me she is coming over to bring me one of her pills and for me to call her in four hours and advise if I feel better. OF COURSE I'LL LIKE IT IF IT CHANGES THE WAY I FEEL. Lucy, Have you done your step studies lately? Addiction is a feelings disease! Speed just happens to be one of my favorites too! If you give me that pill, I'm going to be beating down your door in about four hours, crying and begging you for another one! But I said none of that... She is very sweet. Her husband is an overbearing jerk though. That's another thing I don't like about working with her. He is always right in the middle of it. It's like he hovers over her and tells her what to do and say as she works with her girls in recovery. I don't like that. I enjoy listening to him share in meetings. I think he has a strong program, but when he doesn't have the big book in his lap and he's not warming a chair up at the club, he comes across as a raving lunatic. Disrespects Lucy, screams, hollers, rants and raves... he and I would get along for about two seconds flat... outside of the AA doors. I'm rambling. I'm tired. I'm bitchy. I tried to meditate and I couldn't clear my mind. I stopped by my mother's house after dinner with Sheree and Connie tonight. Mom was not so eager to hear about my dream of getting a teaching degree. She told me that I was qualified to be a substitute teacher... just do that! Mom and Mike just don't get it. Or else I just don't get it... There are only two things that I just really don't like: Change and the way things are. It wasn't a bad day, the visit at my mom's house just brought me down I think. Negativity just slapped me upside the head when I walked through her front door. I'm struggling to keep my head above water as it is. Why I expected anything different... is really stupid anyway. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzz1VEN1SEk |
| You may be wondering why or maybe where I'm coming up with all these personality/career/ temperament type quizzes. Well, I'm reading a book titled, "What color is your parachute?" written by Richard N. Bolles It's an excellent book with so much information, tips, ideas and suggestions on figuring out what in the world you are here to do. I imagine that I will be posting many blog entries that are centered on these types of topics, most likely until I get a JOB! Here's the link if you want to take the quiz, and turns out I'm a Guardian. I really had to do some thinking before answering some of the questions! Mr. Bolles has provided many website addresses such as this one to his readers. http://kts2.personalityzone.com/user/register.aspx Guardians pride themselves on being dependable, helpful, and hard-working. Guardians make loyal mates, responsible parents, and stabilizing leaders. Guardians tend to be dutiful, cautious, humble, and focused on credentials and traditions. Guardians are concerned citizens who trust authority, join groups, seek security, prize gratitude, and dream of meting out justice. Guardians are the cornerstone of society, for they are the temperament given to serving and preserving our most important social institutions. Guardians have natural talent in managing goods and services--from supervision to maintenance and supply--and they use all their skills to keep things running smoothly in their families, communities, schools, churches, hospitals, and businesses. Guardians can have a lot of fun with their friends, but they are quite serious about their duties and responsibilities. Guardians take pride in being dependable and trustworthy; if there's a job to be done, they can be counted on to put their shoulder to the wheel. Guardians also believe in law and order, and sometimes worry that respect for authority, even a fundamental sense of right and wrong, is being lost. Perhaps this is why Guardians honor customs and traditions so strongly--they are familiar patterns that help bring stability to our modern, fast-paced world. Practical and down-to-earth, Guardians believe in following the rules and cooperating with others. They are not very comfortable winging it or blazing new trails; working steadily within the system is the Guardian way, for in the long run loyalty, discipline, and teamwork get the job done right. Guardians are meticulous about schedules and have a sharp eye for proper procedures. They are cautious about change, even though they know that change can be healthy for an institution. Better to go slowly, they say, and look before you leap. Guardians make up as much as 40 to 45 percent of the population, and a good thing, because they usually end up doing all the indispensable but thankless jobs the rest of us take for granted. |
| I figured out that I really am sick. I talked to Sheree earlier today and she told me that she was having horrible stomach cramps, shakes and just feeling exhausted and terrible. She just described ME! So it appears that Sheree and I picked up the stomach virus from somewhere that we went together. Have I mentioned the PMS blues smack in the middle of this? Have I mentioned a sinus/tension headache for the last week? Yep... I'm whining. I need to get off my pity pot but dammit, can a bitch get a break!?! Really... Just yesterday I attended a meeting where the topic was self-pity. One gentleman said aloud that his definition of depression is frozen self-pity. I heard that... and yep... sometimes I don't even realize when I'm feeling sorry for myself. I look around and see all these people losing loved ones. Why just today as I drove to the club there was a car wreck, a red SUV was laying on its side. I can only assume the driver of that vehicle had a bit more than a few cuts and scrapes. Today I could hardly get myself out of bed. Yes, it's been one of those days. I have so much I want to do. So much that I need to do. I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. I'm not THAT depressed. I'm actually eager and ready to see what the future holds for me. I just could not understand how I got so down and out yesterday and today. Now I see... I'm sick. I had so many things hit me at once, I couldn't tell which part of me hurt the most and damn sure didn't know what it was. So then I get a call from my friend in Arizona. He tells me that he has been in the hospital. Had a seizure, found out he is diabetic, and has been trying to get a hold of me since Friday. Called me from his hospital bed. Yeah, I saw his name on my caller ID. Yeah, I heard his messages... but I just never called him back. What a bitch... I just never got ME off my mind to think about him. Selfish, self centered, tis the root of our problems. I gotta go... Phone call. |
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