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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| It’s been a productive weekend for me. I have managed to accomplish much that has been on the “to do” list for quite some time. Although Friday I slept almost all of the afternoon, evening and night. Saturday still tired when I awoke. Tired and cranky I was, still I managed to get a few things done, I crashed out way early for a Saturday night. * Drum roll please * I went to church this morning. FINALLY! I’ve honestly used every excuse known to mankind not to attend in the last month. Human nature I imagine but this morning I wasn’t allowing myself any excuses. Uhh… I didn’t realize that it was Spring forward, no… My computer did not tell me! So I showed up at the Singles Sunday school class just as it was being dismissed. So I followed the leader, like a lost duckling, right into the auditorium for the regular service. The church band rocks! I mean they get r done up on the stage. I really liked the music. The Pastor’s message was about taking heed to signs. Warning signs, No U-turns, Yield, Stop, Cross Traffic, Road Narrows etc… It was really interesting. Then the band jammed a Tesla song, titled: Signs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0tu_4Y_b_w I did take note of the fact that they left out the last lyrics of the song. I was just waiting for that last line… haha… but they ended with, everybody welcome, come in, kneel down and pray… It was pretty cool. I will definitely go back. I ran into a dude in the Singles Class that I go to AA with. He just got his three-year chip on Friday night. When I walked in an hour late, looking for TJ, this dude had just got called to the podium. I remember seeing him get his two year chip last year. And even before I joined AA I knew this dude’s face because he and his boss would come in periodically donating deer meat to the food bank. I just find it interesting that our paths have crossed at almost every one of my main stomping grounds. Next thing he may show up here on WDC!  I then went over to mom and Mike’s after church. They arrived home on Wednesday of last week. Mike has stopped smoking! He is up walking and is gaining his strength back a little more everyday. Things are looking good for them two lovebirds. My mom still looks tired. She feels guilty for taking more days off from work, and I reminded her of how tragic this event has been and she needs to be sure to get physically rested, mentally repaired and emotionally recharged. To hell with work!  Straight from the mouth of a poor white girl… I have worked most of the day on cleaning out my closet, rearranging my sock and panty drawers. I’m getting myself organized over here and it’s about damn time! I’m soaking my feet as I type. Gonna polish my toesies so I can wear some flippers tomorrow. The weather is going to be nice most of the week. My home is all cleaned up. I feel good! If only I could get this damn head of mine to stop thinking so much… then I’d be like happy … ahh… hell I’m happy any way… even though I got a pissed off demon riding my butt. I don’t think I did myself good writing about how bothered I am by dopeman because it has been on my mind all weekend long. I’ve had to force myself to stop thinking about how I’m going to get revenge on this guy. I have to keep reminding myself to Just ride it out… His time will come… It’s not real smart to pick on a woman that prays. |
| Experience is what you get... when you don't get what you want. |
| I slept almost through the entire meeting last night! But I did rush up there for the last 15 minutes but I didn’t see TJ anywhere. I did get there just in time to hear Greta give her speech for her two-year birthday. I’m getting better at listening to her. She is still ignoring my existence and that’s ok. Thursday I went to the 5:30 meeting and Greta was chairing. I haven’t claimed a 90-day chip this time. Everyone kept pushing me to get it, but I refused. I was not going to get my chip from Greta. That’s not nice of me, I know… but hell no that woman is not going to hug me and give me my ninety day chip after all the bullshit that has happened with she and I. I’m almost certain she feels the exact same way. I won’t be going back to Thursday 5:30 meetings now that I am aware that she is chairperson this month. I have spent time this week forgiving people for the real or imagined hurts I feel towards them. I’m having the hardest time with Greta. Why? Well, I keep thinking about all the shit I gave her. All the times I was not just a sponsee but I was a friend to her. I gave her a gift certificate to Bath and Body, a real leather jacket, thank you cards, clothes. I gave her my love, respect and trust. After Christmas I never felt the same towards her, but I didn’t just kick her to the curb like my gut told me to do either. I guess when I think of these things and remember that she didn’t even offer me a phone call when I was sick and not attending meetings for a week. THEN she has the nerve to damn near physical attack me over her own bullshit… it just gets me all pissy again. SO… I try not to think about it, but I most certainly don’t want to listen to her loud, obnoxious, speaking through her nose, I’m big and tough voice! I’m most definitely not interested in attending a meeting that she is in, and most definitely not one she is chairing. So Sheree got me a ninety-day chip from Greta some time when I wasn’t looking and Sheree gave it to me at dinner with the girls at our little café. That was cool. Sheree is no doubt good to me. AND her 19th year of sobriety birthday is coming up on the 24th of March. I’ve got to think of some really cool gifts and things to do for her. Today is SATURDAY! I feel so much better than I have in a very long time! I have plans to get some chores done at my home and just enjoy this beautiful day! The sun is shining and GOD is alive and well! I have much to say but again, no time to say it... Love me! |
It’s been an extra long week that’s flown by so quickly. I’ve been forcing myself to get up in the mornings instead of resetting my alarm clock for 15 more minutes’ uh, three times each morning. I have to reset it since on purpose I bought an alarm clock that doesn’t have a snooze button. My theory of self-trickery failed. I’m like a virus, found another way to get it done.  This week I’ve been disciplining myself to get up at 4:45AM. I’m doing this in hopes that my morning quiet time, prayer and meditation will make a difference in my attitude, thus making my days better. It’s worked, indeed. There have been some things happen this week that I would have lost my self-control and made a big scene about. This week I was able to step back from the flames just long enough to cool off. I was then able to make a conscious choice to not waste my time or energy in a senseless verbal fight, which would have accomplished zilch. I don’t want to speak of the details but I know you want to know… SO… That dope dealer that I work with is stealing stuff out of my desk. He fessed up to taking a 50 pack of double A batteries in my bottom drawer. He thinks I’m stupid enough to believe he didn’t take my cigarettes. Whatever … When I confronted him about the batteries he starts screaming and acting all shitty. Telling me those were his anyway. I just walked away. It took all the strength I could muster up to walk away from that raging lunatic, but I did. What I really wanted to do was pick up that 2X4 next to me and knock the low life to his ass. But I didn’t… I just walked away… I seriously for the first time in my life think I actually feel ‘hate’ for someone. I don’t use the word hate easily. Hate hasn’t even been a part of my vocabulary till now… but I honestly can not stand this man. No, I’m not mad at him. I don’t like his sorry ass. I was almost to the point of letting my outlaw, gunslinging blood (that’s damn still there) surface and show this ol’ boy just what I’m capable of. BUT… I didn’t… * Jen lowers head humbly * I did tell my boss but that doesn’t mean anything will be done. My boss just rolled her eyes and told me I may need to get a locking cabinet and stop putting things of value in my desk. It’s not only the idea that my shit keeps walking off, it’s also the fact that the man has no respect for my space. He just gets all up in my desk without a second thought. You know, I’m not one to run to the boss lady… You know this camel’s back is fixing to break when I turn to my boss. I usually try to handle things on my own; I’ve never been a snitch or a gossip. I don’t feel it necessary to try to make others look bad just for the sake of making myself feel better. But this time it’s different… This time I’m almost at my wit end and had it not been for the conscious contact I have had with my GOD… I don’t know what extreme I would have gone too. I honestly, no shit… had visions of physically hurting this man. I’m not talking about a fistfight… I’m talking about visions of blowing his damn head off with a pistol. That’s not good… Not good at all… I don’t know the solution but I do know I’ve got to stay as far away from him as I can. It’s not that I’m scared of the punk… I’m scared of me. The stealing is just the latest. I haven’t wasted my time blogging about any of the bullshit because frankly it gets me all kinds of pissed off all over again. I’ve got to be very careful of what I let myself think upon. I’m embarrassed in a way to write about how I’m feeling towards this man because it scares the shit out of me. I’m not a violent person. Really… I’m not! I’m not CAPABLE of taking another persons life but this blood of a bitch in me, is dangerous. He is a damn lucky man that I’m clean and sober and chasing after God. Well… the truth is… I’m damn lucky that I’m clean and sober and chasing after God. I don’t want to think about what could happen if I mixed whisky with the hate and rage that I’m feeling towards him. I didn’t realize how bad off I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually until I spent last weekend hanging with my higher power. After listening to Him, remembering His ways and basking in His love, I saw my spiritual reflection in His eyes and it wasn’t pretty. I was so full of negatives, self-pity, angers and fears. I still am… Obviously but I was reminded of the set of spiritual tools that lay just at the feet of Jesus. The feet of Jesus… I’ve since returned… I’m not angry with the dope man anymore. I know his time will come, I truly feel sorry for him. He’s just a fucking addict. An addict that doesn’t want to recover… I should understand his ways better than anyone should. I also know that I brought this on myself with the choices I made over 90 days ago. Yes… this is the same dude I used to provide me with relapse material last time. I know he has personal problems with me. He feels like I rejected him and well… I did… but how in the hell do I get him to leave me alone now? He ain’t interested in me. It’s an ego trip… it’s the powers of darkness working through his crack addicted brain. Now… I can recognize it… last week I couldn’t. So there’s hope for me yet… It’s so easy to fall … Well… on to a better topic! Truck driver dude… his name is TJ. He is so sweet. I don’t know that I’ve ever known a guy as sweet as this dude. He is different, that is for sure. So I had to go buy a digital camera for boss lady today and I was gone when everyone took their break. BUT Juanita told me that he came downstairs and was looking around for me. Every one else was in the break room eating chilidogs and “You know WHO” kept telling him to fix a plate and come sit down next to her. Juanita said Mrs. C was just all over him. Yeah, MRS… but hell she’s banging dope man already behind MR. C’s back, hell why not TWO? Well…TJ declined. He thanked them but said he was looking for me and asked where I was. Juanita said Mrs. C, curled her little nose up and said she didn’t know. He then left the break room and went back to work without taking a break. Then this Kelli chic hollered after him, “Fine be a snob!” So that’s all hearsay… Juanita just told me this and I got a kick out of it. Of course… I was out smoking a cigarette and watched him back the 18-wheeler into our dock. Our dock is a hard spot to be backing up into. You have to block traffic and it’s just a hot mess but he did good and I was praising him you know like a good little secretary. Well, later when work was over, he was standing outside the front door when I walked out. He asked so you’re going to your AA club tonight at 8PM for the birthday meeting? I said I didn’t know if I was going to go or not. He gets all sad faced and said he changed up his schedule and that he was going to go to that meeting also, said he did that because I told him the other day I would be there. About that time dope man and his obnoxious ass walked out and was screaming and hollering to someone about ten feet away so TJ and I started walking away and towards my car. It was just so sweet. You know like how normal people talk and get to know each other. I told him I would be there at 8 tonight. He asked if I was ok, said I looked tired. I couldn’t very well say that I got PMS but just told him I wasn’t feeling well and been a busy and stressful day. He is not a people person at all. He seems to have latched on to me, in a sense. He had to make a road trip to Van Horn this afternoon and dope man was tagging along since it was his first run for our company. I whispered to him “Watch yourself around him”… “Don’t let him… uh…” I couldn’t find the word I wanted to use. TJ spoke up “Manipulate me?” “Well that too… but don’t let him cause you damage.” TJ said, “no one can do that unless I let them.” I thought that response rocked! That showed me that he is real and strong in his own recovery. Oh, not sure if I mentioned that TJ is also in recovery. He was a cocaine addict. The rich man’s drug … He is a bit uppy. That’s a comment that Juanita said to me earlier when he wouldn’t sit in the break room with the clan of shit stirrers. She said, looks like TJ recognizes trash when he sees it and wasn’t at all too shy to turn down their invitation. He is really sweet. It is something I’m not use too… He seems to be interested in me and you know there’s a lot of good-looking women working at my place of business. Even a few that are single. So… I have to say the more I’m getting to know him, the more I like him. He seems to be the type that would take things really slow. I talked to my sponsor and told her I was going to the birthday meeting tonight. She said, Hmmm… that’s strange for you.  So I confessed and told her it’s not just for the meeting that I’m going! It’s nap time for me! Yay! It’s FRIDAY! |
| Quick update… quick quick quick I went to dinner with some girlfriends so that leaves 2 hours of the day for me to sit back in my home. I’m glad the weekend is right around the corner. So new truck driver seems to be very nice. He is also very quiet and soft-spoken. I gave him a ride home from work today. I was nervous about it cause if he would have busted a move I would have been very disappointed. But he didn’t and that’s way cool. Randy would have been stuck on me like white on rice, well Randy was. You see I’m tripping back in time about this dude because he reminds me of Randy for some reason. He doesn’t look a thing like him. He doesn’t act a thing like him. It’s not even the same kind of attraction. No, it’s not the “make dad love me” attraction with this dude. Not the obsession. This dude is too nice, too considerate of others feelings for that obsession. He is nothing like dear ol’ dad. Not even close, couldn’t be obsessed with him if I wanted too! But… I do like him. I do hope a friendship comes with time. He is all about being clean and sober. This I like. He is but two semesters away from having an associate degree in some kind of counseling. Truck driver that wants to be a counselor. Hmmm… He doesn’t have that rough and ready attitude that I kind of find myself attracted too. No, he is very calm mannered, gentle, soft-spoken, smiling, positive acting and just so hard to read. I can’t figure out what he is thinking or feeling. I’m usually quite good at this; but this dude has such a detached way about him that I can’t figure him out. He shows but little emotion. Well he does but he is just so mellow, so chilled out that it’s very different. He is in no way a PLAYA. He’s to shy for that. He’s most likely one of them good guys that you can leave alone with your girl friend and know ain’t nothing gonna happen and not even cause you trust your friend but because your man ain’t gonna bust a move cause he just ain’t that type. He is 37 years old. Originally from Amarillo Texas, has three kids and seems to be quite fond of the dollar bill. He spoke several times about his desire to make big money. He’s all right… I’ve only known him for a day now! Hahaha But this morning we hung out for a good three hours. I orientated him regarding the food bank. And well told him all about my sobriety aspirations, of course. Hooked him up with all the orientation videos, gave him our ‘official’ PowerPoint presentation and well told him when payday is. He’s one of the nice guys. Yep… Do we ladies fall all over the nice guys? HELL NO… we go for the bad boys, but I do think a friendship is in the making. He is new in town, doesn’t know anybody. I asked today if he had any friends here in Odessa, he said, “Just one. Her name is Jennifer”. Sweet I even blushed with that one. And then gave him my business card with my cell number on it. Well I gotta go again! I need to catch up on the reading I do in the morning that I didn’t get done this morning cause I woke up late. Night Night |
| This must be quick. It’s past my bedtime already. I just need to unwind. I shopped for three solid hours and bought only stuff for me! Then came home, after a nice hot shower I treated myself to a facial. I bought this really awesome body cream and I soaked my entire bod. Put on my moisturizing socks. Cranked up my meditation sounds of crashing waves and birds chirping and I zoned for about 15 minutes. TILL the phone rang, it was my step Dad telling me he was sitting in his chair at his home. Praise be to GOD! He thanked me for tending to his home for the last 18 days and told me I needed to come by and visit more often. I responded saying I’m damn going to make it a priority. Ahhhh…. It’s like the weight of the world just came off my shoulders . Yes, I care about Mike deeply, but I think alot of my worries were for mom. Mom had to sit there and watch the man she loves almost lose his life. I can’t even imagine how that feels. She never left his side. She is truly a remarkable woman. We joked about at least Mike has his pain medicine. We want ours! If I turn out to be half the woman my Mother is, I will have accomplished much. That part of this ordeal is over and damn it’s been a long rocky road for them two. Since midnight on February 15th until March 5th, they have been residents of the best hospital in Texas (as far as we are concerned) in Lubbock, Texas. Mike kept singing, “I wanna see Lubbock Texas in my rearview mirror” while in his hospital room. That’s a Buddy Holly tune, for those that may not know. Who would not know that?! So… I have something to say. There was this dude that came in and applied for as a truck driver a few days ago. Ok, this isn’t good but there were some fireworks almost instantly. I blew it off. I didn’t think he would get hired for reasons I will not disclose at this time. But he did… and today I was asked to call him in for an interview, then I was asked to call him back to tell him to go drug test and stop by so I can get a copy of his ID and Social. And he did… He starts in the morning. His eyes are absolutely captivating! Our eyes lock together every time we carry on a conversation. I’m trying to play it cool. The truth is I am scared. I know this type of attraction when I feel it. I don’t feel ready for that. I don’t want to get involved with another TRUCK DRIVER from my place of business. But I can not lie, I am totally excited to have fresh meat at the food bank! So he gave me his paperwork and then the warehouse manager spoke with him a while. He said good bye and see you in the morning to us both. I just winked at him, gave the good bye nod. She said goodbye and walked into the back office. When he reached the front door he looked back directly at me, yeah he was seeing if I was watching him. And I damn sure was!!! BUSTED! We locked eyes from across the room. I was fumbling, anxious acting, damn skippy I was caught staring at his ass. Dude is built! Yeah, he has the bod happening for himself. He has short dark hair, dark eyes and he wears little wire-framed glasses on the tip of his nose when he read or writes. Mmm Mmm Mmmm… I would guess him in his early 40’s. I asked the warehouse manager how old he was…She said, now Jen, they don’t let us ask those kind of questions on applications. Oh yeah… That’s right I told her… He is applying for a job! Not for me! damn… I forget that sometimes. It reminds me of how Randy and I met. And I don’t like it! Randy was a piece of poo… This dude is more reserved, quiet, maybe even a bit shy. But DAMN he’s got the googoo eye down pack! His eyes are hungry… that’s what it is! I’m going to calm down, let the man learn his new job and try to keep my fatal attractions out of my place of business. Been there… done that! So I’m going to bed now that I got that out! Nighty Night! |
| Why can’t people just ‘get real’ with each other? I can honestly count on one hand how many people I know in real life that are real with me. It’s sad and it’s discouraging. Some may think that being artificial is an attempt to prevent hurt feelings of another. I don’t. No… being phony and deceiving others because you’re too chicken shit to say what you mean inflicts MUCH more pain. If you don’t know… SAY you don’t know. If you mean yes, say YES. If you mean no, say NO. Keep it Simple, Man! Yeah, It’s hard for me to say no at times. I don’t like turning away someone that has asked something of me. I have been guilty of saying I would do something, knowing full well I had no intentions of doing it but I said I was going too just to get away from that person. I especially did it in my addiction, when the moment called for such pretending. I don’t so much anymore. And really didn't all that much in my party days. If I’m not SURE it’s something I want to agree to do, I will ask for time to think about it. I weigh the pro’s and con’s, I make a decision with reasons behind it and then I’m straight up, REAL… authentic and I’m usually damn set on my decision and not much is going to change it. However, many times I know right away if your request of me is acceptable. Sometimes no thinking time is needed. If I make a mistake, I say a made a mistake. Unless I don’t realize I made a mistake and well unless my pride steps in (well known to do that) and I self deceive myself into thinking it wasn’t really a mistake anyway. I see myself through rose colored glasses. I see the why behind the what of my doings and I don’t always see that with others, depends on my conscious contact with God and well basically THAT days condition of my spirituality. It’s hard for me to respect a pretender. I use to believe that everyone thought and felt like I do. Inexperienced I was… I’ve since realized I’m a bit different. I’m like a dieing breed of humanity… the one’s that you can take at face value. I guess this the reason I can’t make myself like You know who at work. She is just so fictitious. She bust out those Judas kisses all day long and patiently awaits the time for you to turn your backside to her. To be real with someone doesn’t mean you have to be hurtful. It’s just honesty. Why can’t people be honest with others? Why can’t they be honest with themselves? Hiding… running… fearing… It’s got to suck to live like that So I have another appreciation to add to my gratitude list. I may be a lot of things. I may have made a lot of wrong choices. I may have a lot of personality quirks but I’m honest. What you see is what you get. I am prone to change. I’m quite fickle when it comes to my emotions but I’m solid. Undisguised and upright. Not always right… but Upright, indeed. But for the Grace of God This is a rant by the way… I was typing fast; breathing quickly and even got my eyebrows lowered. People are just so afraid of themselves that it’s just depressing. Insecurity, Ego, Pride, self-deception…  all the reasons that someone would have to live their life in a dishonest fashion. There is not ONE good reason to be a faker. FAKE PEOPLE SUCK! And the thing people don’t get… You don’t have to be MEAN or RUDE to be honest and real. You don’t have to be blunt in a hateful way. I don’t get joy out of hurting or humiliating another person AT ALL. That is the very reason I keep it real as much as I possibly can. Truth is… this is a cold hard world and I guess we all do the best we can at that time of our life. If you got to fake it till you make it, just keep trying to make it and don’t stand still in your self made misery. I know one thing for sure. I am attracted to REAL people. I have but little tolerance for fakery. I'm working on it. I'm powerless over fakers. I'm powerless over fakers. I'm powerless over fakers. I'm powerless over fakers. And well I guess I'll just love their sick little fake asses anyway. Jen loves YOU… That you can bank on! Jam with me awhile --- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpkitLUbeEg |
My Step Dad got out of ICU on Saturday and onto the floor. This is day 17 that he has been in the hospital.  … The hope was that he would get to come home today but they found some problems with his heart and the doctor wants to run more tests and see if another surgery is needed. We will know something tomorrow. I’m not sure that I’ve unwound just yet. I do feel better than I did on Friday. Actually Friday was an up day, Saturday was a down day. I was supposed to pick up my stepbrother Saturday morning and take him to the hospital with me. I call him at 8AM, He answers the phone, “Fucking Good Morning, little sister!” Music blaring, I could hardly hear his screaming voice over the people in the background. He tells me he had been up partying all night but “Come get me! I’m ready! Let’s go see Mom and Dad!” Damn… Without a beat, I told Nicky I couldn’t get around that. He says that he will wait outside for me and I don’t even have to come in and get him. Ok, I hang up the phone with him and start bawling. I locked myself out of Sheree’s motel, I was in my PJ’s again, all my stuff in her room AND I had to potty real bad. As I’m figuring out how to get in there… I get a call from Juanita telling me that Carla came bubbling over to her Friday afternoon saying “Jennifer is Leaving and going to work for the Clover House!” Woot! Yeah! Amen! Hurt my feelings. And it pissed me off. I told one person that I was looking for what else is out there and that news got to Carla all the way in San Antonio at a conference! Like less than .03 seconds. I shit you not. And she told my boss. Yep. I love that woman. I do… I love her so much I want to heap burning coals on her lap. . And I know EXACTLY how to get it done. Thanks to a bit of spiritual soul searching. I call my mom. I’m just teary eyed and a big wuss on the phone. She tells me Hell No you’re not going to pick up Nicky. She doesn’t even want him to come to the hospital. She calls and tells him. So that problem solved. Nicky is where I got the tabs from last week so I KNEW without a DOUBT that I would end up relapsing over there with him and his friends. I knew my state of mind and I knew that I was at the verge of just not giving a damn. But I made it threw the day… Barely but I did… AND I put out some effort Saturday night and tuned in with my spirit man. And Sunday… I woke up in my mother’s hotel room and I was HAPPY… like almost like for real happy. Sure the little negative voices started first thing when my eyes opened but I shut them down. Yes… and I brewed coffee and stood outside the hotel in my biker Pj’s, smoking my cig, drinking my brew, watching a family of birds build a nest. The morning air was so fresh and clean. THAT was a spiritual awakening of SORTS. Not all spiritual awakenings are of the burning bush variety. Lubbock Texas is beautiful. The cotton fields, the drinkable tap water, the smell of horse shit. I love it there. I may live there again someday. Lubbock Texas saved my adolescent life. Yes… had I continued through JR High and High School here in Odessa, chances are I wouldn’t be writing in this journal right now. Cause I COULDN’T. I was a rebel kid as I’ve written about so many times. I studied boys not books and well not even boys, I was into the MEN. I was 13 years old and had a 21-year-old boyfriend. We dated till I was 16, actually when I moved to Lubbock we eventually lost touch. My mom and dad moved us to Lubbock as a last hope in saving me from the lifestyle I was heading towards. It may not have helped instantly but it damn sure helped the process. For the first time in my kid life, I was actually a kid that did kid things when I lived in Lubbock for two years. My freshman and sophomore year… best years of my childhood… As I drove back into Odessa last night I felt disgusted when I say the pump jacks, the dirt flying around. The smell of OIL… I wanted to turn around and go back to Lubbock. I’m seriously thinking about moving there, but that’s definitely on the “think about it later” list. Right now, My focus is my spiritual condition. MAN! I feel so much relief. Wanna know how that happened? I forgave. I forgave myself and I forgave all those people that keep renting space in my head for free. That’s it… I forgave. I made a decision to not hold a damn thing against anyone! Not even Greta. Not even Carla. Not even ME… of course, I’ve had to remind myself of that decision a few times today. A few, my butt… ok, several times… but I have felt more peace in this day than I have in a very very long time. I was actually NICE to Carla today even knowing full well that she want’s my bitch ass out of her view. I didn’t hold it against her, I was nice, I was polite. I was considerate. I even helped her! And I didn’t even think about how unqualified she is for the position she holds. Ok, just once, but I stopped it. So I’ve reminded myself of want my main goal in life at this point is and that is my spiritual condition. If I don’t stay fit spiritually, I will crash. There is absolutely no doubt about it. That is where I’ve gone wrong with the other two ninety days. I get lazy! I get idle! I get bored and start looking around for some entertainment. This time… I’m going to get radical about my spirituality and my sobriety. I must toodle away though. I’m writing this in a hurry, I have much I want to accomplish and I most definitely need a good nights rest. Thanks again to “Anonymous”… I really appreciate the upgrade. I appreciate all of you more than words can say! And you know I'm a thinker!! Thinking thinking thinking... Who could have done this??? Love , Jen |
Somebody gifted me a membership? Someone did this anonymously. Thank you whoever you are! I didn’t even realize my membership was about to expire when I left town. I logged on the computer in the hospital cafeteria, read the email advising that my account had expired. Then read the email next to it advising I had been gifted an upgrade. Hey, That was way cool. I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out who to thank. I’m tossing a bunch of Thank You’s out there. Bunch of Kisses too  So pucker up! I just got home from Lubbock. I have stories to tell but first I need to wind down a bit. I’ll be back! Fair warning… A song for YOU http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eK2B-KzizQg |
| After twiddling my thumbs and sitting still for 81/2 hours I’ve spent the evening running from point A to point B, over to point C, swing by point D, back to point A again to point B and then back to point A again. Ten thirty at night I’ve began the process of winding down from the day. I got my oil changed. Car washed. Attended a meeting. Picked up a suitcase a friend gave me. Picked up my mom’s new glasses from Eye Master. Walked the mall in search of an outfit. Never found one that I could afford, anyway. Went to Wal-Mart and what do ya know?! There’s an outfit just calling my name. It’s hard to find jeans that fit me right. I’ve not average, I’m not medium, I am LONG. One thing I just can’t stand is a pant leg that is too short for me! If they are, I look gooberish! Can’t have that… Although I am five foot eight, that is tall for a woman but not really all that tall. Not short by any means, but not so tall that I hover over everybody either. Still I like my pants legs snug around my calf and scraping the dirt or concrete whatever! as I walk. I don’t like the bell bottom look … no… you see this is critical and complicated. Thus… the reason it’s hard to find jeans, slacks and even sweat pants that I really really like and feel comfortable in. But I think I found a pair of Lee’s at Wal-Mart. I tried them on and I liked, I just finished washing em’ and tomorrow is test day. Sherree gave me some clothes. That was really nice of her. I do like a few of the dress jackets. The skirts and slacks are quite a bit bigger than what I can wear. I hope like hell I don’t grow into them either! I really hope my growing days are done. I’m leaving for Lubbock tomorrow after work. I’m treating this weekend as a getaway for myself more than anything else. I’m trying to anyway. I know my mom is stressing. Mike is awake, hahaha… and he is being Mike. Tripping out about the money this is costing, frustrated cause the nurses and doctors aren’t getting him out of there fast enough. I talked to my stepbrother and he told me all about it. Mike is even worried about me driving down there. He thinks I have bad tires. I just got two brand new ones like after Christmas. I thought I told them I got new tires. Mike is just a worrier! He is tripping. My stepbrother told me that my mom threatened to leave him there at the hospital today if he didn’t stop his bitching about everything. Oh … My poor Mom She’s been through hell and back again through this ordeal. Mike’s making comments about why she didn’t just let him die on the living room floor instead of wasting away his inheritance like this. He really needs to just let go and let God… but it’s a lot easier said then done. I know that to be a fact…. And my stepbrother could be full of it; he was two sheets to the wind when I talked to him. But I doubt it. I know my step dad. He is a control freak and he is absolutely powerless right now. Sucks for him real bad! Me? I don’t know where I am at, you know… mentally and emotionally. I know that I’m sober. I know I’m resentful as the devil himself. I need a fourth step really bad. Maybe this trip away will help me out. I know that I don’t need to be at this event at work. I’m not spiritually fit for it now. Was thinking earlier about when my mind started going to shit? It was Christmas day when I fought with my real dad and had that blow with Greta. I haven’t been in a good state of mind since. There’s been up’s  and down’s  but mostly down’s. I believe I need to be in Lubbock this weekend. I’m betting on a miracle. A spiritual awakening. A change of life. NOT THE change of life, A change of life… Yep! I’ll be a brand new Jen when I blog again. Nighty night. |
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