%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  A collection of words... |
|
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Been seeing robins for almost a week now... but today, I saw a true sign of spring and perfect bliss!  My baby girl is back! Well, she's not really mine and she's not a baby... this will be the 5th season with her, now we're waiting to see which of her previous seasons' babies come back too... AND, it appears she had 2 this year. We saw her gathering grass by her usual place. My co-worker and I went up to her and asked "Chicky?" (she's always so small when she first comes out, and she disappeared early last year and I wondered if we'd see her again)... and... she came running right up to us! She put the grass down to eat the nuts we'd given her and when she sat up we saw her identifying mark. She had to tunnel through snow to get out. CHICKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Here's some pics from today (you can see where she dropped the grass clump hehe) ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** No one played an April Fools' joke on me today... well, except the dog. When I got home he had one of my headboard teddy bears on the bed with him... and had a pair of my jeans pulled onto the floor and a big pile of poop on them.  I tried not to laugh as he was laying on one side of the bed... the bear behind him... trying not to look directly at me while his tail is thumping. If he thinks he's getting kudos from me for being such a clever jokester he can guess again. The little dog already left me a huge pile at the bottom of the stairs to clean up this morning... so, yeah... that's already been done. Granted, the finding of my jeans specifically and pulling them on the floor to crap on them is kind of clever. What do you suppose he's trying to say? As for the bear, he's done that before. Oh, here's an example... this was from 3/18 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** He doesn't chew them, he licks them... so now the "fur" is all stiff... but there's no dust on them. Not to worry, I don't have any pics of the poop. Hope you're having a great day!  |
| You ever pull up your blog and then suddenly draw a blank? Hmmmm... what was I going to say? Might have had a few thoughts since the last blog thinking "oh, I could write about that." Then, finally pull up the entry form and just stare? Yup, I forgot what I was going to say. I wonder if it was funny. Sometimes I think the best things I could've said never get said at all. LOL Well, in lieu of anything I might have been able to come up with, if anyone is interested in some on-site humor, here's a couple links to check out.
and
We've had 110 inches of snow here this winter. We have had some melting times. As you can see by this pic of my parents' backyard, you can just about see the garage roof if you're standing at the top of the stairs going in the house. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The pic is small, yes... it's my new Motorola Crazr... the pics are clearer than my old phone, but so small. If anyone has one of these and knows of there being some kind of setting to change for bigger pics, let me know? My parents have long been responsible savers. About the only luxury they allow themselves is keeping 2 new vehicles, trading for new again after 5 years. My dad used to buy my mom lots of jewelry til she talked him out of doing that anymore. When they buy things they take care of them. My dad holds onto family heirlooms and has always had lots of insurance and perfect credit. He hasn't had a mortgage ever. He has a number of unlimited charge cards he never uses except to keep them active. He'll be 70 in May. He retired a few years ago but got a full-time job again. My mom has always wanted to travel and do things, but they can't justify spending the money. I had suggested to her when he retired that they should go do what they wanted to do. "Dad doesn't want to spend the money." I ask her if he thinks he's going to "take it with him." Apparently he doesn't... just, always saving for the rainy day. Well, he's insured to the eyeballs for most rainy days. Is he... saving it for a nursing home? He's worked and saved all his life for...? Retirement? He's there already. I tell her if he's been doing all this saving to pass it on to me or the kids he doesn't have to worry about whether we'll spend it or not... we will. So, they might as well? I'm not saying go wild, not that they ever would, but... if you've always wanted to take a trip to Nashville and go to the Grand Ole Opry... there's no time like the present? I've been as clear as I can, if they don't spend it, we will... and I personally would prefer if they did because it's theirs. Anyway, my mother called yesterday and said they bought a new HDTV and a BluRay high-def disc player and spent around $3500 at Best Buy. I was so... proud! Today she went to cable and got the high-def cable AND Road Runner wireless for their internet... instead of that NetZero dial up that took forever to do anything on. I'm beaming! So yesterday we went there so M could hook up a couple things for them. They're all up-beat and dad's looking over the paperwork. They'd given their other tv to my aunt, as pretty soon we'll only be able to have digital tvs with our cable and hers wasn't... so then I see that being able to give her a tv so she didn't have to buy one was a catalyst to this venture. They still can't just do something for themselves. They won't say this is why they did it... but then M mentions my aunt needs a new dvd player also so my dad says "oh, take the one on the basement tv." mmm hmmm My mom says to my dad "well, this is your last tv." He pretends not to hear as he's looking at the paperwork. I ask what she means, she says "he won't buy another?" Like, I'm dumb for asking when she thought she was pretty clear? I said "he might buy another tv." She said "he's almost 70, that tv will last longer than he will." I made my shocked face and asked her if that was rude? She said "no, he said that himself." "Well, it's not him saying it now?" She laughed. She said, "and he got this on Best Buy credit, 3 years, no interest, and if he dies before me and it's not paid for he's being cremated regardless of whether he wants to be or not." LOL For anyone that doesn't know my mother that might sound terribly mean. The thing is, my mother has been wanting him to be clear with her what he wants for when he passes, but he won't. She's been very clear, and personally I appreciate it very much. I don't have to wonder what she would want, she has made the decisions. My dad won't tell her. She gets flustered, so she brings it up in joking ways trying to get him to talk to her. I think it's just something he can't bring himself to talk about. I know she won't give up trying to find out... he should know that also. My mom can be relentless. My only suggestion... if they are pondering whether he'll survive the financing perhaps they should go to Nashville NOW. Hope everyone is having a great day! |
The kids are doing well. J was doing better from his surgery finally, but had a fever this morning. Could be a virus as I've had a sniffly sore throat cough thing the past 2 days. I questioned him about various functions, and it doesn't seem anything to worry about yet. The Tylenol alleviated the fever. Z's been spending time at his gf's house. M's been doing well. It occurred to me yesterday that the twins' surgery was March 6 and not once has their father asked me anything about how they're doing. M and Z have each had a girlfriend for awhile, their father doesn't seem curious about who. He did call me last week though, first time in a long time and just said "I used you as a reference"... "uhh... well, I don't know what I could say?" He said "well, whatever... it's for a job... just wanted to tell you." "OK, whatever."  Now, why would he do that and be that way about it? Because he knows I will say something nice and be helpful if I can even though it's no benefit to me or my kids, and even though he does nothing for us either. Yet, when he does talk to me he can't get through more than a couple sentences before his voice is angry and he's inquiring whether I'm a "fucking retard"... or announcing I'm a "stupid bitch." Well, I used to let that behavior upset me... not for a long time though. There was a time when I'd allow him to push my buttons and I'd argue back. What a waste of energy. I don't let him stomp me anymore, when he starts with the angry tone or name calling I just tell him that I am speaking kindly and I'm not swearing or degrading him, and if he can't do the same then we are not talking. I've had to hang up only a few times. I guess he figured out that I meant it... and probably why I hardly ever hear from him anymore. I still cringe every time I hear his voice. That will probably never change... too much history... I've changed the way I handle things and I feel a lot better about that, but I can't just make myself not cringe anymore. I guess every life, like every good story, has at least one protagonist.... he's like... my life's Cruella deVille... and he's tried to steal all the "puppies" of my heart, mind and soul to make himself a jacket.Speaking of jacket... I saw Spaceballs for the first time a couple days ago... well, just the ending actually. Someone had hit the self destruct button and evil Mel Brooks was trying to stop it. Someone announced "the self destruct is irreversible" and Mel instantly lamented "(grr) just like my rain slicker!" M and I went to pick up his gf yesterday and then took her home last night. He's so fun to spend time with. On the way to get her the radio cut out on Busta Rhymes' "Pass the Courvoisier" which he enjoyed joking about later. He usually remembers random things on these little drives like "remember that time when that guy moved out next to us and left a drawer full of pennies?" Nope. "Remember when that other guy moved out he left a stack of porn magazines?" Nope. "Remember when dad's mother moved out to the nursing home and you let me have a couple of her things as my inheritance even though she wasn't dead yet?" Well, that's sorta true. Yesterday he wondered if I remembered when he was really little I would tell him I was a blue Power Ranger. I said "that was your father, I was the pink one." He said "oh, that's right... remember how the blue Power Ranger had an alcohol problem?" lmao Last night the radio cut out in the same spot, only that time we were listening to Jimmy Buffett's Cornelius Brown and Sister Rose's "Treat Her Like a Lady". I'd forgotten about that song. (I don't remember ever hearing the artist's name though.) That happens a lot actually. Anywayyyy, Some of my friends have been up to WRITING... The Cowboy  is up to almost 60 kb on a new mega story... vampire/western/erotica/soulmate kinda story... I'm so excited to read more!
Brooklyn  who has recently started writing poetry stunned me with a beautiful, emotional poem she's working on for her husband. Touching and tearful, Brooke! (PLUS, it includes a pic of the hottie!  )
There's a few days left to enter for the March rounds of
Hope everyone is doing well! |
| Yesterday was another concert day. J still wasn't feeling up to much so he went to my mom's to spend the night. It was just Z, M and his gf this time... meeting Z's gf and a friend of hers there. It was a relatively quiet ride, excepting for M's random observations which are always entertaining. "I don't slam dance unless I'm cornered in a crowd and trying to get out... I felt really bad that time for accidentally hitting that girl in the stomach... especially after she'd given me a macadamia cookie... awww... she was nice. She gave me some sour cream and onion chips, which I don't eat, but still it was a nice gesture." I told him he should be blogging. He said he doesn't know how to write... I suggested he make audio tapes then. The bands they were seeing they'd seen before. I know a few of the players myself... the kids alternate between thinking that's cool and thinking I suck for knowing them. After I dropped them off last night I went to a place down the street and some guy struck up a conversation... we were talking about this and that and he asked what I was doing in town, I told him my kids were at a concert, he asked who was playing. I mentioned the top billed act which is one that has a few people I know in it. He said he was friends with them and that they'd opened for his band a few times. Hmmm... I ask which band... he says Rustic Overtones... he's the keyboardist. That band is huge around here. My kids are going to be jealous. LOL http://youtube.com/watch?v=etiFuAElnDQ I'll usually go in once or twice during the concert and see if they need me to bring out stuff they've bought so they don't have to carry it around. Last night M wanted a drink, so we were standing at the bar and this guy came up around the side and M got all excited friendly like he does and said "hey man! Meet my mother!" He shook my hand and then went over to M, put his hands on his shoulders and said "you have a really awesome son here!" I said thanks and I think so. M said he's the drummer and singer for a Boston band called Kidnapkin they've seen a few times... and they chat a lot. To be deemed cool enough to my kid for him to introduce me to someone he knows like that... was... an unexpected nice surprise. Then M asked me to come back before the end of the show to hear some of the band at the end. OK?  So, while I was driving around I was listening to the Best of Cat Stevens. My favorite song of his is probably "Oh, Very Young" http://youtube.com/watch?v=GsfcaPo_Xzo ********** It went well with the twins at their urology appt. the other day. They are healing well. They did some extra tests for J... the bladder scan showed he's not having problems eliminating completely, he doesn't have an infection. Their best guess for his elimination difficulty is the same thing I told him... swelling in a certain area pressing against that section of the urethra... AND, drink more fluids. I just looked at him and winked, he knows I already told him both of those things... I think they trust my opinions but it's significant enough a thing they want someone else to say it also. Plus, it's better safe than sorry. I spoke of this with M and my aunt before we left. I had 4 urinary tract surgeries when I was in elementary school, M had an infection when he was 2... I said it seemed we have family history of being compromised in that area and that my father just died of bladder cancer... and M said in this smiling quiet serious voice "it's too soon." "Huh?" "It's too soon to speak of your father." LOL ******************* In other news, M and twin J have enjoyed playing Call of Duty 4 with Mr.Monk- GPs for the poor on XBox live. My friend Eagle~The Cowboy's Wife has a book published! Congrats! My friend Brooklyn is recovering from surgery. Sending my love and best wishes, Brooke!I put together a list of the poetry I've awarded on here. There are some incredible reads here if anyone is interested in poetry. "Invalid Item"  I've gotten some very nice comments this week about a companion poem series I did with PaulZ ~ Je Suis Le Reve ~ ... "Invalid Item" , he graciously let me "step in his territory" and "mirror" him before we'd hardly even spoken. Thank you, Paul!My friend Candlemaker wrote a poem on his drive home from vacation. Multi-tasker, that one! Happily, it inspired me to write a poem of response "Invalid Item" Hmmm... dancing seems to be a common theme. Hope everyone is enjoying their dance today! |
| Let's see... what to tell, where to begin... Z is recovering perfectly from his surgery. J is having problems still. He's been having difficulty urinating the past couple days and we have a follow up with the urologist tomorrow for tests. Today he went to bed with a stomach ache and got up with one. He said it felt like it was burning. We went to the pediatrician. They tested his urine and there was no sign of infection. No fever. Palpated his abdomen, no sign of swelling. He's either developing an infection or a virus. They said to watch him and if he gets a fever or the pain becomes worse to take him to the ER. If he maintains just take him to the appointment tomorrow. He still can't have anything (even underwear) touching his "peep." The surgery was the 6th. M was home yesterday with his window open and heard a woman screaming and swearing and honking her horn outside our house. After it had gone on 15 minutes he called the police. The police asked if she was swearing at him, M said he didn't think so, but it was "uhh, annoying?" Apparently she was arguing with someone on a cellphone and when the police blocked her in and started talking with her she started crying and then resigned to text the person instead. M found it somewhat funny that she'd argue with a person on the phone and slam on her horn to make a point or whatever. I said you have to be careful sometimes because if she's nuts she may come back and give him a hard time. He said "I'll just call the police again... only I could say 'well, she's bothering me personally this time.'" Spent some time a few days ago at my aunt's with M, my mom and dad, and some of my extended family. That's always fun... M is addicted to it... and he shines. The interaction of M as the star and my mom and me as the supporting cast is entertaining. My mind is kind of full at the moment to relate a story about it. I read my poem of my father to my mom's twin sister (whose husband passed a couple years ago). It was nice talking with my aunt. I told her how my mom had been making read it to people and it felt kind of awkward "because I don't share poetry with you guys." She said "Brenda, we're hard knocks and tough times kind of people, not poetry... we're rocky roads, and I don't mean ice cream... so the words don't come to us like that, but we can still appreciate that you are gifted with words... even though we are not." I read her my poem. She liked it a lot. I told her they wanted me to give a eulogy for my father... who she never liked either. She said "you can do it, you can make something up if you have to." Then she said she was just kidding, that everyone has good in them and she knows I'm good at expressing that. I told her that my father did contribute to my life. That I learned a lot from him... and I spoke with her about spiritual things and understandings that I don't normally discuss in my "hard knocks" family. She's always been a hard worker and responsible and all that... like most of my family. She was one of 3 sisters who helped raise me when I was little. I attribute much of who I am with their love and care of me and each other (not shown in words, but deeds), and their unique sensibilities and sense of humor. I thanked her for "helping raise a poet." She liked that. That the only really difficult thing I faced in childhood was not knowing my father, I have a lot to be thankful to them for. I told them to not all expect a poem or eulogy though... that the closer I feel to someone the harder it is. Well, enough rambling from me. My friend Candlemaker is back from vacation and I wanted to let him know what was new... and if anyone else has made it this far, you also!Hope everyone is having a great week! |
| Good Monday morning The twins' surgeries went well last week. They attracted a lot of attention at the hospital. Apparently they have never seen 16 year old identical twins get the same surgery at the same time. My other son was there too. They really enjoyed talking with the nurses and making them laugh. It would have made my mom nuts, but I was very proud of them all. The nurses complimented me for having a great group. That was really nice. I'm still not telling my mother. Especially the part about them all being given stickers and coloring books, and how they drew stick figure pictures in crayon of and for Lynda and each signed them "Love, (J or Z) age 16". Funny enough, she had a short spiky style and they each gave her a bob with a flip at the end without looking at each other's papers. Although, in one she is orange and the other she is red. It all went well, but was a long day regardless. One I'm sure they will always remember.I spent the weekend reading and reviewing. I finished the awarding of "Invalid Item" with Candlemaker . We had a lot of amazing entries. The group is full of great talent and friendly grace. We both feel privileged and overjoyed with how things turned out. It was hard deciding on the awards, but if anyone is interested, here's our awards list "Invalid Item" . As some know, I've often found "responsive inspiration" in reading another's writing. I am so deeply touched and honored when another finds such in my writing. I wrote some spiritual prose back in 2006 that prompted such a response from The Cowboy . In cleaning my mailbox this weekend, I found it again and, with his permission, added it to mine. He writes beautifully. Sometimes I wonder if even his grocery list would have a sensual undertone. If anyone is interested, the prose is here: "Invalid Item" .Hope everyone is having a great day! |
| My cellphone alarm went off at 7. I called work and found out it was closed (icy roads today), so I shut off my back-up 8:00 alarm and got up at.. ohhh... 10:30. It's 3:00 in the afternoon and I just wandered to the kitchen for my first food of the day... a stick of string cheese that I'm eating in my pajamas. I'm thinking even the refrigerator is getting kind of lazy because this isn't as cold as it could be. Have you ever heard the expression that something is the "heighth of laziness?" That ran through my head earlier when I realized I'd inadvertently started a small smolder in the overflowing ashtray and doused it with a little of last night's leftover coffee that was sitting nearby. Some of my friends might not know I smoke, it's not something I bring up. The friends that do know are the ones that have previously mentioned to me, in some context, "hey, I smoke." I say something like, "hey, me too." Speaking of expressions, some of you might remember that my son's ex-girlfriend said her grandmother always told her "don't eat a banana during a lightning storm or you'll die." My mother thought that was quite funny and explained it as "well, whoever that happened to probably just got scared and choked." I was talking with her a couple days ago and she said "I was having one of those nights when I couldn't sleep and I was just laying there thinking stupid thoughts, and I mean really stupid thoughts... and then I couldn't tell if I was dreaming or awake... but I thought I might have had a bad dream and I was going to tell dad (what she calls my dad when she's talking to me), and I said 'I want to tell you my dream but I have to eat first.'" Keeping in mind that she was presently awake and not having one of those "restless really stupid thought" nights, I asked "huh??" She said "haven't you ever heard if you don't want a dream to come true you have to eat before you tell it?" NO, I haven't! "Well, I've known that all my life." I'm thinking ok, either I never shared my dreams with her OR she was always willing to let my bad ones come true OR I repressed it because I thought it was stupid when I was younger Anyway, in case you were wondering, she said she told my dad that she dreamed he was divorcing her. He asked her why he was divorcing her and she said "it was you doing it, you tell me!" I think if I ever meet William Shatner, I will have to hold him similarly accountable for that 3Musketeers and gingerale thing. I have no idea what he was thinking!So, it's been very hectic times. I'm home today because of an ice storm... and apparently seeking out new ways to define the term "heighth of laziness." I have tomorrow off also, as the twins are having day surgery to be circumsized. They're looking forward to it actually. They were checked last week. We all went in together and when it came time to actually *check* one of them and I would go outside the door, and then they'd switch. (This is a procedure they would later describe as "the doctor stole second base!") The doctor said he would also be removing a skin tag from a sensitive area of J. I didn't know he had one. Suddenly, Z burst out with "I have one there also!" J and I had to leave the room so that could be checked... when we returned the doctor said, "nope, his is a mole." I inquire "in the exact same spot?" He laughed and said "funny enough, yes." So, my mother is letting me use her 4wd suv, and my son M is going with us to be there with me... plus I think it's a good experience for him... but I won't tell him that part. Now Z wants his gf to go also. I told him he would have to ask his grammy if it was alright. I don't know if I'll be asked into the operating room like last time with Z (which I described as decidedly unpleasant), but if I am I will do it. Z just called me from upstairs and said his gf's mom wanted to give me $100 for food because she eats here so much. I said "just tell her mom that whatever food I get for her is just a very small payment for her keeping you out of my hair." He couldn't stop laughing... "OK!" Yesterday I spoke with the funeral home regarding my father. Actually, I called to make sure the stone would be done correctly with my half-sister's information on it. It was a busy day and I felt a whisper to call and I did. Just in time apparently, because they had the form filled out and ready to go. They didn't think it could be on there, but I assured them I'd done my research and it could. They checked into it and it will be on there. I am very peacefully happy about this. I wasn't quite so excited about the secretary volunteering to me in a somewhat upbeat tone, like she was speaking of a field trip to the zoo, "oh, you're father is back from the crematory today." Did I ask? I managed to bite my tongue from saying "oh really? Did you stop for ice cream on the way back? I think it was evident by the fact that I called and spoke of my question, that if I wanted to know that information I could have easily asked. By the time I spoke to the funeral director though, I had lots of questions. I appreciated that he waited to be asked them, and his responses were kind, candid and direct. I also had a call from my father's sister in law that his wife wants me to do a eulogy for him at the spring burial. I don't know how that would occur to her that I could, but I said I would. My mom encouraged me by recalling my uncle's funeral that I spoke at by saying "you have a way of doing those things honestly and making the bad things sound good... you can do it." Time to get creative! Actually, there is so much good in anyone that this can be done. May spirit guide my hand in writing it.Well, I've taken up enough of your time! That cheese stick that started this blog was 45 minutes ago. I haven't been around much and need to stop by and see people and catch up on mail. Oh! I almost forgot... site news! Candlemaker and I are now in Round 2 of our prompt poetry contest "Invalid Item" . We had a lot of entries in round 1 which I did the reviewing for this past weekend. I got a mail Monday (?) that I'd been promoted to preferred (I have yellowed with time - kinda like white lace curtains in a window with southern exposure ) and another inviting me to join the Circle of Sisters. After almost 43 years as an only child I now have around 30 sisters. My mom will feel relieved she didn't have to birth and raise 30 others, as she felt "one was plenty" for her. Seriously, I am both touched and honored by these things. I offer my heartfelt thanks to those involved, they came at a great time.Thank you to all who have left messages and sent your kind words of support. Hope everyone is having a beautiful day! |
| I've been taking part in the Stretch Your Style 2 contest. This week's form is called the Whitney. Each stanza, up to 3 of them, in the syllable pattern 3/4/3/4/3/4/7. I had no thoughts on what I was going to write, but when I looked at the contest today, I was inspired by my father and wrote this: "Invalid Item" Oh, father, at last I see what became of you and me... years faded to memory... silent bond, this family. Daily lives were not entwined. Spent apart, in such resigned. No regrets to cloud my mind. Our journey was self-designed. An ending glimpse of your face... hand in yours ~ a tender place. Spirit moved and left its trace. You gifted me a father's grace. His obituary was in today's paper, and listed me as his daughter "Brenda Lee French". That has not been my last name since my stepfather, my dad, adopted me when I was 8. It was ok with me, I suppose that's how he considered me. I talked with my mom, she thought it was kind of nice. I'm not sure why I decided I'd share the above poem with her. She has always often been critical of me, and my "way with words." So, I read her the poem. She was silent for a second and said with gentle seriousness "I'm going to cry." I asked, "you liked it?" She said, "Brenda... that is REALLY good... are you going to make copies for people?" I said "nooo." After we hung up she called me back a couple minutes later and said "read your poem to dad." I said "uhhh... no?" She said "yes, I already told him about it... read it." I said "ummm... aw. kward?" She said "no, it's not... it's really good and I want a copy of it, but here, read it to dad." So, I read a poem about finding my father to my dad. AND... HE loved it also. He even had kind words to say about my father... when he would typically say nothing of him, and that he was pleased with the dignity he conveyed himself with and was happy for me to have found that in him. Nice. My mom encouraged me to call my father's sister in law and read it to her also. "Then call me back and tell me what she said." It's kind of adorable. I'm 42 years old and it's still touching when my mother is proud of me. I've been busy doing reviews for the Inspirations poetry prompt contest, and then will start on the eXhilerations reviews. Hope everyone is having a great day. Thank you to all who have stopped by and sent your messages of support! |
| Monday I visited my father on his deathbed. I have been touched by greater spirit in so many ways, to know I should go, to sit with him and share a certain grace that found me as his daughter and him as my father, and to know afterwards that something was "righted". When I returned, I had a review of this poem I wrote last fall. They watch me fly on graceful outstretched wings They take comfort in my ease and admire my golden breast and the beautiful simplicity I convey But They know not my heart nor the fragility of my being When my wings no longer carry me to the heights they might aspire When my body trembles and my eyes lose focus and I feel the chill of vulnerability Whose hands will lift me up and know my softness... Whose warmth will I receive... Who will know the beating of my heart... Who will hold me in my pain... Who will I touch then? Who will admire my beauty? Who will know my grace? thank you for my wings Thursday, my son M called me at work when he woke up and asked "did your father die?" I said I had not heard anything. He said "I dreamed he died." This afternoon I had a message from my aunt to call her. She wanted to tell me that my father passed Wednesday night. His wife told her she did not have access to a phone until today. My aunt said "I am so glad you got to see him, honey." "Me too" I said, thanking her. I thought about having heard from a neighbor once that this aunt and my father tried to "take me" when I was a baby. I thought about how she has always said "he is your father, regardless." I thought of how, in their own way, they cared... and were perhaps limited in what they felt they could do... and I thought of how it doesn't really matter. It is what it is... it was what it was. I have a copy of my father's discharge papers from the service, that speaks to what he did and was decorated as... and I wondered, what happened to the man he started to be? The things that he accomplished that even my aunt didn't know about. He never smoked, drank, or even swore. I thought about his neighbor saying "he was the nicest man you'd ever want to meet." I thought of how seeing his pictures, reading about his description, advised me of how my mother once loved him... even briefly. I thought of how her young heart felt about the man in uniform with the dark hair and the blue eyes... and perhaps how that union was only meant to give birth to me. Mostly I thought of his dying grace. How in his pain, he looked deeply into my eyes and watched my tears flow in silence, and how he held and stroked my hand... and how his words that had been hard to hear, were very clear with "I love you" and I am grateful... not only that he gave me life but that he gave me his grace in passing.   In memory of my father Paul French 10/31/40 - 2/27/08 You descend into forgetting ~ Falling down the crystal stairs. A sudden breath and pulse begins Which will leave you unaware. You venture forth into the world, Eyes squinting against the light, To a life of sense and learning That needs acclimated sight. You grace the days afforded you In the world you've come to know, Gently touch the hands of others, Mark your place before you go. When the sun sets on your journey In the life you came to share, You ascend into rememb'ring ~ Walking up the crystal stairs http://youtube.com/watch?v=0cdCNfbcl3c |
 I was "bombarded" by spirit yesterday... in every direction and in all things... everything is connected. I received a call yesterday that my bio father is dying and asked to see me. I went. It is hard to explain, but he said little, I said little... A brief synopsis from the actual visit, as I related it to a friend: I sat on his bed... in his little dirty, cluttered trailer... and I put my hand in his. He said "all you Frenches have cold hands." I smiled and said "you don't, your's is warm." He was clearly in a lot of pain and in & out of coherency. But he held my hand for awhile... I just watched him... people were talking... I just sat there... he moved his hand to adjust something, but then a little bit later he put his hand back by his side where it was when I was holding it... so, I gently put my hand near his... as an offering... and he took it. It was like... I noticed and felt for the first time the hands of my father... and I admired them... moving my thumb over his knuckles... noticing how big they were, how clean they were... how human they were... and I felt the tears just falling... and... he stroked my hand with his thumb... for a long time... and just stared at me... silently... looking in my eyes... which he never did... and in those moments it was the first time I've ever felt... that I am his daughter. He drifted off to sleep and I watched for awhile... and then got up to leave... I spoke but he didn't respond... I went up and gently rubbed his forehead and he opened his eyes and looked at me... and closed them again... I kissed his forehead and laid my head on his for a moment... I kissed him several more times on the forehead then whispered in his ear "I love you" and I was startled when he said "I love you too"... I thought he was sleeping... and he immediately went back to sleep. That was it. A number of people, most of them unknowingly, were messengers of spirit for me Sunday and yesterday. It is a very, very long story. Candlemaker who spent an hour and 45 minutes talking with me last night (no, Bob, it was not half an hour ) has encouraged me to write this out before I forget... everything that happened before, during, after. I will.Right now I thank spirit for that grace and my father for his. I thank him for giving me life... and sharing those moments with me... that touched my heart, mind, and soul. Hope everyone is having a great day. |
| It's been a busy few weeks. Work is crazy. We've had several snow days and half the time on the days we are working I'm the only person in a 3 person office. Well, we can only do what we can do... tend the immediate first... try not to fall too far behind. I'm not sure what all has happened since I blogged last. *Scrolling down to see where I left off* OK.. my cousin and his wife who "separated" are now "back together". It seems she always wants to "separate" (ie. We say we are separated but you will stay here and continue to do everything you've been doing.) and this way I can go out on a date Saturday night and it will be none of your business. So, he gets upset, the kids get upset, and so on... come Sunday they are "reconciling". If he's always willing to let this keep happening they might as well say they have an "open marriage" and not involve the kids in all this drama. Anyway.... the kids have been pretty good. The twins are still working regularly and have done a pre-test for college... M and I have had some more really good conversations... J has started testing me some. YESTERDAY I woke up to the sound of his bedroom door opening. I got up and went by the slightly open door and heard noises. I looked in the dimly lit room and saw what appeared to be 3 girls in his bed. Not believing my eyes I kept looking, trying to make sense of what I was seeing... wanting for them to take the shape of a person I could identify as knowing... but, that didn't happen... because I'd never seen any of them before. J wasn't there and I heard a noise in the kitchen. I went out and saw him filling glasses of water. I asked "WHAT is going on??" He said "I'm getting water." and started to walk past me. I asked "for whom?" He said "my friends." I asked who they are... he said "just friends" and walked by like that's all he had to say. "Excuse me, I asked you WHO they are... you can either answer me right now or I can follow you into your room and embarrass each one of you." He told me who they were and I asked what they were doing here. He said he'd explain when they left. I said they needed to leave... soon. I called into work and said I had a sick kid and would be in as soon as I could. After awhile J called me and asked if I could take them home... or to one of their houses... it was near work so I said I would. He called me a few minutes later and said one of their friends was going to pick them up shortly. I say "call"... yes, he called me... from his cellphone... around the corner from where I was sitting. He called again and said one of them would like to meet me. "Well, I'm sitting right here?" "And they want to apologize to you for being here." Maybe I should have gone in there and spoken to them all directly, but I prefer to deal with MY kids and let them handle things with their friends. I mean certainly they would not have been here if J didn't let them in. After they left he said they got here about 2:30 in the morning and he hadn't slept all night. They were at a party and some guy was touching one of the girls and she called J and asked to come here... one of their mutual friends brought them and dropped them off. I asked where they were supposed to be... at one of their grandmother's house. I told him that's where they should have been taken... much earlier than 2:30. Of course the one grandmother thought her granddaughter was someplace else. The story got worse from there. I told him I appreciated that he cared about the well-being of his friends, but they could not come back here. In lieu of them coming here he could encourage them to do the safe thing and go home where they belong. He used to be a kid more above peer pressure than this, which concerns me also. I guess it's hard to say no to having 3 girls in your bed? I'm not so old that I don't remember the things I did at that age... and I guess I'm not so bad if they can tell me the things I never would have told my mother... but that doesn't mean I'm going to ignore it... nor am I going to terrorize them with it... I'm going to try to talk to them about the reasons why of this or that to get them to hopefully make better decisions... including better decisions than I made because I wouldn't talk to or listen to my mother. It's a delicate balance I guess. I'm never sure that I'm handling things right, but I'm doing the best I can. He felt he was doing the right thing... and I certainly know the world is varying shades of gray... and I understand how he felt that was what he should do... still, we had a long talk, and I explained to him things he didn't think about. I didn't get to work until almost noon... and confessed to my co-worker the true nature of my tardiness. Then we did what one can only do with a true friend who knows her, we laughed our asses off over the "impropriety" of it... and reminisced a little about what we did at that age. "Three girls in his bed, huh?" "Yes, they were all dressed though, thankfully!" "And you asked him 'what's going on?" and he said 'I'm getting water.'" "I know pretty good, huh?" "OMG... you have to tell E (a friend of ours) this story!" Last night we took the kids to another concert. It was bands they've seen before... the screaming ones. M is casual friends with the "lead screamer" from one of the groups... he probably weighs 80 lbs "soaking wet"... he barely casts a shadow, but manages to find jeans so tight his entire backside slides out of them. Anyway, the trip down was 25 mph on the interstate because of snow , but we had a 4wd with traction control and didn't have any problems... unlike a dozen or so other cars we passed on the way. M assured me he'd texted his acquaintance and they were there rehearsing and the show was going to happen. When we got there I made sure the 3 boys and 2 girl friends got in. I saw the security guard patting my sons down, so I assumed it was but asked anyway. "So, I take it that the concert is happening and you're not just patting people down because it's enjoyable to do so?" He laughed and said it was going to happen. My bf and I went to dinner. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but we have a curse about the 2nd time at a restaurant... if the first time was excellent, the second time sucks. Such was the case last night. We need to just find mediocre restaurants and stick to them I guess. The concert ran late... 11:45. They always come out enthusiastically worn out, sweaty, glassy-eyed, and partially deaf... at least the boys... especially M. I listen to them ramble somewhat nonsensically about the music, various acts of random aggression, this person or that... "you know, that bald girl, she's cool". I ask if they mean that particular "girl" who has an identical twin brother... just because he wears a skirt doesn't make him a girl? Anyway, M was talking about almost getting "curb stomped"... I inquire what that is... turns out it's some maneuver when you are trying to retrieve your missing shoe from a crowd and someone almost steps on your head. He was perhaps most excited that he was standing at the urinal when suddenly his friend, the lead screamer, was standing next to him. He said "he leaned his head on his arm against the wall and said 'heyyy, M___, what's happenin'??' and I said 'not much, what's happenin' with you?' and he turned around and said (in a screamo voice M impersonated well) 'I'm sHAKin' MA diCKK!' AND he was standing there holding it. OMG, that was awesome!!" We didn't get home til after 1 this morning, but the twins still got up at 5 to go to work. They've been good like that. With the time I've had on line, I've done some writing but the blogging has gotten way behind... both the writing of mine and the reading of others. I hope to be stopping by others soon. Hope everyone is doing well! Many thanks to my Rising Stars Sponsor jbjackson ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Yesterday I had an important errand to do 45 minutes out of town. We were expecting a big storm some time in the afternoon. I heard my mom had the day off. I called her at home and asked her if I could use her 4wd to do this errand. I'll interject here that when she's talking to me about my father she says "dad"... when she's talking to my kids about him she says "grandpa"... and, funny enough, when she's talking to my kids about herself she says "grammy" (ie "Grammy doesn't like it when you do that."). Her response to my question was (laughing) "well, dad won't any more than kill me... and he can only do that once." Then she said "and remember, Brenda, if any of my organs are still good and they want them, let them take them!" I mentioned this "organ donor" comment to my aunt (her sister) and my son, M. They laughed. M asked my aunt if she was a donor, and my aunt said she has never really thought about it. I was talking with my mom later and told her I thought it was cool that she brings certain things up once in awhile in a joking way to anyone that might have a say in things later, so that we know when the time comes what she wants and don't have that decision to make. She laughed and said "I may say it jokingly, but I'm serious." I told her I know that. She said "when dad renewed his license the organ donor information wasn't on it, I told him to get it fixed." I said perhaps he doesn't really want it on there, or figures since he's older now and diabetic anything he has wouldn't help someone else. She said "well, they asked about momma and she was 84." (My grandmother is always "momma" whenever any of her kids refer to her.) I asked if anything was donated, and she said "no, P (my aunt) didn't want to talk about it." I told her what my aunt said when M asked her about donating. She wasn't surprised, she said "no one wants to think about it, but if it was someone in our family that needed something like that from someone we'd be wanting someone to give it, right? Well, someone has to give for someone else to receive. When I go, if they can use ANYTHING, skin, eyes, organs, anything let them have it... I don't need it." My mom is very sensible, and very caring. While I said the other day that she's not cool, she is... and I told her she was. I can have moments when I forget that, such as on days when I hear she's been critical of M about something... I personally know that her criticism is hard to take sometimes... I remember what it was like for me when I was younger, and as much as I've told the kids that is just her way, and her motivation is from a good place even if the words don't come across that way I still don't appreciate that she does that. M went with us to do the errand yesterday. I mentioned to him that a guy I know at work had told me his newborn son couldn't be circumsized when he was born and he was taking him to a specialist. I asked if it was Dr. J, the pediatric urologist that M had last year. He said "Yes!" I told him this doctor is VERY good, he's young (mid to late 30s maybe), and he might come across as arrogant... but he can back it up. I told M, "I prefer my doctors to have a high level of self confidence." M said "me too, you don't want some guy saying 'well, I think I can help you... we'll see what happens.'" He added "I WANT my doctor to be cocky as long as he shows up for it." lmao Actually, I think every doctor I've had that is excellent, and inspired my confidence in them, could be seen as arrogant. So, we've decided that my mother, people who make their wishes known, and arrogant doctors are cool. Oh! I just realized... I'm not really clear what my mother's position on life support is. Looks like I have a call to make. Hope everyone is having a great weekend! |
| My co-worker and I were called "the Happy Sisters" by another co-worker of ours today. We've known him for years, he has a phD in Sociology and another in something else... he should know what he's talking about with human nature. She didn't respond. I asked her afterwards if she heard what he called us. She said no. I told her "the Happy Sisters "... she asked "who the fuck was HE talking about?" I told her I wasn't really clear on that. M told me yesterday that my cousin and his wife are separating again. He asked to talk with me tonight. My cousin has been "confiding" things in him that he isn't comfortable with. He said he was glad he was talking with someone, but that it's a lot of stress on him to be the only one to know these things, and that if something bad happened he'd feel he should have said something sooner. He's a smart kid. I'm not sure what would possess a 35 year old man to confide in an 18 year old boy who has enough to think about on his own, but perhaps M just has that way about him. So, M and I ended up talking for a couple hours... about all sorts of different things... family history, how we think and feel about certain things in our family, etc. He mentioned the man next door to my aunt has prostate cancer that he's refusing treatment for. He said he didn't understand that, this guy is always so happy seeming and simple, and just nice (like one of our uncles we decided... it's like they don't particularly want or need anything... they are just always content). I told him people have a lot things to consider, and it's really hard for us to guess why he wouldn't want treatment. We then spoke of my bio father, and wondered how sick he is now. I said I heard he was dying and I called him, I made 3 attempts to see him and he was either not there or said it wasn't a good time afterall. The last time I called he said he'd call back. He hasn't. He has my numbers. He does not want to see me, and that is ok. He said "he'll still blame you though." I told him that was his option... if he needed to do that to feel better, he is free to do so. I don't want to complicate his life or ask him to be a father to me when he never has been. He doesn't see me as his daughter, and I'm really not. I told him I have no bad feelings for him, I care about him as a person, but he's not someone I particularly like. I can't even say I feel regret or anything about how things could have been, and I hope he doesn't either. He's not exactly the smartest guy around, nor is he a great communicator... and our situation was kind of complicated. He said he thought he did the best by me to stay out of my life, and M said "I think it was the best." In reality, it was. I might not have felt that as a child, but I have learned. So, in that, if he ever did have fatherly feelings for me he would have had to push those aside to get on with his life. I don't fault him for that either. M asked "how long do you think it will be before I don't care about my father's involvement in my life?" I told him he is much wiser than I was, and that he knew his father whereas I didn't, and that he had someone willing to talk with him about it... so, I suspected he wouldn't be 30 like I was. He'll get it... they all will... I see them as years ahead of me in that regard. Anyway, it was great to be able to talk meaningfully with him today... he's a great talker, truly... his interests and his knowledge are often in "lofty" places. I have learned a lot from him. Earlier today my Skype friend seemed down. He is not thrilled about his son joining the army. Since he himself actually died (momentarily) in the army from a war games accident during peace time, I can understand his apprehension even more. At some point I had a thought hit me "look at his son's myspace." I asked if he'd seen it recently and he said no. I went to look at it and he had his dad as his number 1 friend. I was touched with tears and I told him... "hey, you're his number 1 friend." He didn't know the significance of that. I had to explain that teens take their top friends seriously, certainly the #1 position... and that they put them in the order they want themselves... for his son, over 300 of them. He was... rejoiceful. He changed. Later in the day I told him he seemed relaxed. He said "I am... I'm my son's number 1 friend!" He said he felt it as a victory for parents everywhere. lol All us old parents... the smallest act of love from our kids... still means so much. It can change the outlook on so much... at any age. (Bob, have you told your mom lately how cool she is? I'd tell my mom that, except... she's not. )OK... perhaps I can sleep now. M had company that just went home, and RockBand for XBox 360 has been retired for the night. lol Have a great day! |
It started yesterday with "Stormy's poetry newsletter & contest" [ASR]. It asked for poem submissions using 8 words (note, white, peppermint, rose, scope, crimson, thread, pieces) which led me to pen "Invalid Item" . When I shared this poem with Candlemaker , he responded with "Invalid Item" . Much to my delight! I dared hope he would! If you'd like to read them together, they are in one item in my port:
Today I looked at the contest "Invalid Item" which had a picture & form prompt and wrote "Invalid Item" . Then tonight I revisted my old haunt "Para/Poem Challenge "Open"" [13+], looked at the 6 words for today (loom, copesetic, dagger, tempest, lollygag, roister) and inspired for old time's sake I wrote "Invalid Item" .Now I'm feeling pretty good. The 2 contests listed in yesterday's blog are underway, and I'm very excited about that! I hope some of you will enter! (Ideally all of you would, but I'm a reasonable woman. ) Perhaps some of these other contests mentioned might inspire you as well!Good luck, happy days, and keep writing Best wishes to all. *Edited to add: Just because the muse has insomnia... here's another prompt contest "Flash Poetry- On Delay" [13+] and a late night entry "Invalid Item" .* |
| Work was busy. I love that, but it's nice to be able to see the desk once in awhile. I've been talking to a dear friend on Skype messenger since September. He used to live here but moved far away. He now has a desk job also. We don't get to talk a LOT, because we're both too busy... but it's nice to have that on and know he's there. Kind of makes me feel like I'm not working alone. It's also a great way to send stuff back and forth. As he was the first person to ever inspire me to write, it's nice to be able to share my new poetry that way. He's started working with photography and sends me images, some truly breathtaking, that he said I could use here for sigs or as images with my writing. Problem is the files are huge. I used to be able to condense photos to the necessary 400x400 size with My Microsoft Picture Manager, but for some reason that doesn't work anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions of how to do that? ****************************** Twin Z texted me one day last week and asked "What can I get my girlfriend for our one month anniversary?" (hehe so cute! he texted me, his mom, for such advice) I asked when it was and he said Saturday (yesterday)... so I told him we could talk about it when I got home. I suggested simple flowers... he said "AND a teddy bear". I said that since it was his first girlfriend and first "anniversary" that would be ok, but realistically he doesn't just want to work for buying monthly anniversary gifts. So, of course he wanted help picking them out. That worked out well. He wanted to know what he should say on the card with the flower (a yellow, her favorite color, rose and some yellow/green spray in a small square vase that has a gold wire bent and twisted through it... it's very cool) and I suggested "happy one month... xo"... so, we were at the flower shop and he wrote "happy one month! xoxo" and then started to turn it over like he was embarrassed for the clerk and I to see it. I reminded him "umm, we already know what it says?" When I picked him up at work yesterday one of the girls there said "I love to pick on him, he takes it so well... J too." I said they are very good sports about teasing, and they've kind of had to learn that living with each other. She said they are a lot of fun. I told her I think so, too. ********************************** Some of you have read my item of "letters" to a friend of mine who died last year. It's more of a tribute perhaps. I was thinking of him yesterday and "cleaned" it up a little and made an addition.
In other writing related matters: The campfire I started back in 2004 with Steev the Friction Wizurd was extinguished this past week. Over three years is a long time to have a campfire going... that's certainly a lot of sticks! I'm glad that "Invalid Item" had a happy ending. I'm all about that!I'm happy to report that I've now opened the two contests I mentioned previously. If anyone is interested, we are now accepting submissions in both. Candlemaker will be helping me judge the monthly prompt-based poetry contest.
The Cowboy and Eagle~The Cowboy's Wife will be helping me judge the monthly erotica short story contest for writers 18+.
Hope everyone is having a great weekend! |
| I blogged some time back about how I was confused that a number of parents let their kids go to concerts with us without knowing, or seeming to care, who we are. One of them is now Z's girlfriend; she's 15. She's been coming around for a few months now, and is quiet when she visits... like, we hardly know she's here. Z told me a few days ago that she gets panic attacks, and the doctor wanted to give her meds but she doesn't take pills. I can relate to this. I'm not sure why he didn't mention it before. We took him and her out to eat Friday night for the first time. She said her mother has had depression for years and that her medication stopped working. Now her mom goes once a week for "shock therapy", and she's losing her short-term memory as a result. I had not heard of this treatment option before... well, for recent times anyway. I wonder about the difficulty of making that decision. I've not experienced severe depression, and obviously don't want to. My understanding is that it is an apathy toward everything... not sadness, but an absence of emotion. It's like taking medicine, when you read the warning label of possible side affects... which is worse? The condition you are treating or what might happen as a result of treatment? I rarely take medication, and that is part of the reason why. It seems her mom is in a "lose-lose" situation, a tough decision to make. I am reminded of "Being Peace", if you look at something with an open mind and an open heart, you may gain clearer understanding... when you have understanding, you can love. While I have always been open to anyone speaking with me about anything, it further reminds me how much I don't know of someone's journey until, and if, they choose to share it. I do like to understand, but I don't have to to freely love. It feels better to do so. Z's girlfriend told me she, herself, worries about everything. I told her I can relate to that as I have spent too much time worrying also. My intelligent mind knows my worry has not changed any outcomes, and has in actuality only given me stress, but it is something I've had to work on anyway. I told her that Z is one of the most laid-back, good-natured people I know, and it doesn't seem to occur to him to worry about anything. She smiled and said she'd noticed that about him. He grinned and said "that's right." So, I had to add "unless he's out of toothpaste, or wants an eye checkup or something like that." He laughed and said "someone's got to keep you paying attention." I thanked him for only picking one thing at a time to keep reminding me of. So, originally I'd thought she was uncomfortable here, and I'm now seeing that she is not. You'd think her wanting to be here 4 or 5 times a week would have advised me of that, but nope. I'm used to the visiting kids talking my ear off; her being so quiet, almost invisible, made me wonder. Well, she introduced him to Ramin Cup of Noodles a couple days ago. Now, he can't get enough of them. He took $10 from his own money and bought bags full of the stuff. He seems to be mockingly accusatory about me keeping this pleasure from him all these 16 years, and his twin J is jealous because he won't share. lol I know as soon as I put some in the cupboards the opinion is going to change. Last night J was on the other computer and chatting to me from the next room. He's probably the least "mom's boy" of the 3 of them. He was talking to an 18 year old friend of his from XBox, but on the computer. J wanted to make me some ringtones for my phone and asked me to sit next to him and pick some songs. His friend IM'd him that someone had just sent him some freaky pics, "but nowhere near as freaky as the shit your mom sends me." Not sure who's aware of this trend in teenage boys, but they like to joke about the other one's mom... like they're "dating" her... usually, they've never even met the woman. J said "really?" His friend says "yes, like having sex covered in peanut butter." J said "been there." His friend asked "you've done that?" J said "who hasn't?" and he's grinning at me like he's wondering if I'm going to tell him he shouldn't talk that way. His friend asked "creamy or chunky?" J looked at me and I said "well, tell him your mom said that chunky is more enjoyable for the woman." J thought that was hysterical. Of course, being the honest boy he is, he told his friend "hey, she's sitting right here." He said "oh, I didn't mean YOUR mom... I meant your brother's mom." When we'd picked the songs out, I went back to my computer and J went to the kitchen. My mom had bought him an apple pie and he asked "mom, you want a piece? it's really good." He. was. going. to. get. pie. for. me??? It was so... adorable! I remember the days of other people calling them "the evil twins", and how close to accurate that felt at times... the stages I didn't think they'd ever grow out of... Back in the days when I was saying inside my head "this too shall pass" a hundred times a day... it's true... it did. They have changed so much... it doesn't seem that long ago in retrospect... but it will be even less time from now that they will be on their own... and I won't hear their voices in the next room every night, and hear them laughing, or telling stories and making me laugh, and I won't be hearing daily "mom, what's to eat?" or experiencing those unexpected moments of tenderness... and I will miss them... and I will think back on the days when I didn't know if they would ever grow up... and I will miss those too. Embrace the moment. |
| Hey, I got my taxes done! As this is only January 20, obviously that means I'm getting a refund. I generally don't get excited about payments. It's also due to arrive on my former wedding anniversary. (Hmmm... what is the correct terminology for the date one married an ex-spouse anyway? ) Regardless, my kids have plans for all of it, the test will be if I can make them make my money last long enough for them to realize all those dreams. Eagle~The Cowboy's Wife approached me this week about running an erotica contest. I said sure! I was so excited about the idea, that I approached my dear friend Bob,Candlemaker , about running a poetry contest with me. Much to my delight, he said he'd love to! Both of these contests will be opening soon, and I will post links here. Bob has also started blogging again! Yay! "Invalid Item" I was happy to receive a new blog comment from MetaphorSquared . I became a fan of her writing when I saw her featured in "The Talent Pond" [ASR]. Her blog "Invalid Item" is awesome... thought-provoking and hysterical! By the time I decided to check out one of the people who commented there pauluk's "Invalid Item" , I was laughing so hard my boyfriend was concerned about my well-being.Speaking of concerned about one's well-being... Eagle~The Cowboy's Wife and I have raised some concerned eyebrows this week asking certain friends if they know a Karen and Dave (no one has) if anyone does, perhaps they'll know what L.W. or W.L. might mean. To simplify a somewhat long, complicated, strange story... there were 3 bizarre cases of mistaken identity involving 3 close friends of mine on the same day, around the same time. With such random weirdness, I'm inclined to wonder if someone is trying to tell someone something... perhaps when all is said and done the message will be "sometimes there really are just random weird coincidences in the world, Brenda!" Most happily, Marie's beautifully-spirited, big-hearted, cowboy sweetheart hunk of a man is being released from the hospital today. Perhaps that means I can be expecting that FedEx package soon? Hmmm?  Thanks for carrying my well wishes and kisses to him for me, Marie! You're a terrific friend! On the homefront... yesterday the twins had a couple girls over to visit. My oldest son is friends with both and was looking forward to their visit. He was at my aunt's during the day and fell asleep there. When they arrived I advised her he might want to get up as he wanted to see them. Well, they got here at 6:30, I wasn't able to get him home until 10:30. He was irritated that he was woken up. Today my cousin called at 1:30 to say he texted and called M about going over there to watch the football game with him at 3. I told him he was sleeping. Keeping in mind I was chastised for waking him up for his plans last night, I didn't disturb him. At 3:45 he came down the stairs and chastised me for not waking him up... "you knew I wanted to watch that game with him." "Actually, you didn't tell me that, and you didn't tell me to wake you up." He can set his alarm if he wants to get up? So, now I'm someone who doesn't do anything for him and am back at the top of his "damned if you don't, damned if you do shit list"... it's a revolving list... sometimes I'm at the bottom while other people are starring... today I'm the star. I should be used to it, but I never am. I don't know why people carry shit lists like they do... well, when I was married I said that of my ex, that he is so miserable he likes to bring others down to feel better about himself... I don't like to think in those terms about my son though. Brings me to one of my "mantras"... "this too shall pass." Hope everyone is having a great weekend! |
| I was talking with M when he got up. He randomly asked "remember when you made me get that testing in 7th grade?" I said that was actually the school that wanted him to have that, but he could continue. (He refused to go to school regularly and they were thinking of getting him a tutor if he could qualify for special ed. Since he tested at or above 12th grade level, he didn't qualify.) He said "that smelly nurse didn't want me to leave afterwards... remember her?" I said I didn't. He said "it always stunk so bad in there... it smelled like ass... and... I don't even know... something else disgusting." I suggested "sour cream and onion potato chips?" He said "yeah, that might have been it." He added, "anyway, the secretary made me sit and write definitions out of the dictionary until my ride came... I only got up to MA... coincidentally, the last word I wrote was 'martyr'". lmao The point of that? I don't know. He probably watched a movie with a martyr in it. My point in telling you? Conversations are apt to be most anything around here. As I was going to bed last night after my midnight blog I heard J on the phone saying "it's h-y-m-e-n." I walked past and said "if someone needs to know how to spell it, they are too young to know what it is." He said "my friend is trying to explain it to a girl." I said she must be too young, and he doesn't need to be explaining it. He said "no, she's 16." I said "she knows what it is." He said "no, she doesn't." This was a light kind of conversation, he was laughing. I told him I was sure she knows... asked, "is she home schooled?" He said no. I said if she was 16, going to a regular school, and didn't have any problems she knew what it was. He said "mom, you don't get it... if she did then why would she ask?" "J, she would play dumb and ask because she's a 16 year old girl... and she would like to have a 16 year old boy talking to her about it... but whatever her reason, he doesn't need to explain it." Boys are so gullible about girls sometimes. Z asked to read my poetry yesterday! He loved it! He'd get to the end and grin big and give me a high five, and ask if I had anything else. He always seems so... like proud almost when he reads the stuff I write. Whereas, anything I've ever shown my mother she acts like it is foolish, so I don't show her anything. (Should be the other way around I think? My mom should love it and my kids should think it's foolish?) I showed her a poem once I had published, it was the one about lovers and a lightning storm. "Now, Brenda" she laughed... "what exactly is going on here? All I'm getting is... it's like two people having sex that don't know enough to come in out of the rain." Awkward. I told her I couldn't explain it, when you read poetry it means what it means to you. She said "well, it means to me that they are stupid." I laughed, "OK, then." ("Mental note to self: don't show her any more." ) When my uncle died a couple years ago, she did ask me to write a eulogy... (telling my aunt, "Oh, Brenda will write something, she's good with words." Ummm... I'm not sure when that switch happened?) I delivered that eulogy myself... it was only my 2nd one, and while it did go better than the first, it's not an easy thing to do. I had my critical, unexpressive relatives crying and telling me how they loved what I said, and saying they couldn't have written that let alone gotten up there in front of all those people and said it. I'm certainly glad they hadn't shared that BEFORE I did it. So, essentially, to my family, I am a closet poet. They don't read what I write, except for Z. Does anyone else sharing their writing with their family? If so, what is that like? Home today... not feeling great... must be going around here. Work closed at 11, so it's a partial snow day at least. Have a great day. |
| To Candlemaker who asked where Z learned "they didn't make you mad". Remember that book I recommended to you, "Being Peace"? He's sort of read that... vicariously through me. Also, as you know, following my stint in college, I used to teach/counsel groups of abusive men. It seemed...ohhhh, somewhat harder getting through to young identical boy twins with ADHD who live together. I very strongly believe in personal accountability and nonviolence. It was years of "he hit me first" and a lot of trial and error with how to handle it. Trying to get them to see it made no sense to hit the other one, because the other was going to hit back... and it would just continue until someone got really hurt... so they each needed to make the decision not to hit... and even if they were hit first they still had a choice about what to do. Z decided on that sometime sooner. They have always been in separate classes (per my insistance), but had an outdoor time in junior high together. Another kid pushed Z, and Z ignored it... no big deal, "it didn't hurt anyway." BUT, J saw it and ran across the playground and punched the other kid in the stomach, knocked him on the ground, and got himself suspended from school. As consolation, the principal laughed and said "I probably would have done the same thing." "Mommmm, he called me a name" was a little easier I think. "Why do you care?" "He swore at me!" "Why does that matter to you?" "He's trying to piss me off!" "So, why are you letting him control how you feel? You are not required to be upset just because he wants you to be? Just laugh. If he doesn't think it bothers you he'll stop." Being that they are naturally impulsive, it took a little while... but they seem to have really gotten it... they seem naturally calm now. It's like different kids sometimes. In some ways they are very mature, and in some ways they still have the hearts of my babies... I suppose one is not exclusive of the other. STILL MORE ON MEN AND MEDICAL ISSUES My bf has had a terrible headache all day. Earlier he went to lay down and said his neck was bothering him and he was going to watch tv. I went in later and asked how he felt. He said "still awful." I asked, "did you take anything?" He said "no, I've been laying here holding my head for 3 hours." I asked why he didn't take anything... he said he didn't know where the Excedrin was. My oldest has that here for migraines. So I gave him the Excedrin and after awhile asked if it was better... he indicated a tiny bit... so I asked if he'd taken a shower in case it was his neck like he thought... perhaps it would loosen the muscles a little bit... "nope, maybe I'll try that." OR... you could just lay there and keeping holding your head remarking about the extraordinary degree of pain? Today was a very quiet and calm day. I wrote two poems for Kansaspoet's Contest. He allows 2 submissions, and I chose 2 title prompts. They are quite short and I wrote them in a different style than I usually do.
We're supposed to have a big snow storm today (Monday). I'm hoping for a day off. Have a great one! |
| Thanks for the comments in yesterday afternoon's blog. To SouthernDiva and bugzy is baaaccck!! , thank you. I don't think I could be a doctor... sometimes I close my eyes or cry during Grey's Anatomy. To Brooklyn , thank you. I'm an ok mom, naturally I feel better about how I've done with them when they're "in a good place" then when they are not. I have had a tendency to hold myself up to the standards of the older women in my family (with much encouragement from them to do so I might add)... and have felt at times I wasn't good enough. My oldest and I were at my aunt's a few days ago and he said he was hungry and that he didn't want meat. My aunt asked "why not??" He said he didn't want to eat that anymore. I said that was fine, I go through phases of what I'll eat and what I won't also. Whereas my aunt said, "Oh, don't be foolish... it's good for you! Just eat it!" Sometimes I wonder if I should be that kind of encouragement, and if the ready acceptance I have just allows them to stay stuck in certain things. I probably didn't explain that right. Oh! M mentioned a few days ago that he'd been taking his diabetes medication for 5 straight days! I was relieved about that. To David McClain Yes, men accept what an expert tells them... and if the expert doesn't notice the problem then there isn't one. Yay! lol I suggested my boyfriend get a blood workup with his physical. (For years now I've had complete blood chemistry done with every physical each year. It can give a lot of information prior to getting sick and needing to have it done.) He had very high cholesterol and worked on it for a month, went back and his numbers had improved dramatically in a short time. So, he went back to eating whatever he wanted, and now since he refuses to have it checked again he's still... fine! More on men and recurring medical issues... When twin J was about 3 he fell and his chin was bleeding. My aunt and 2 of my cousins were there to babysit the twins while my oldest, my husband and I were going to go out. J was bleeding a lot and I took him to the bathroom sink with a wash cloth, trying to get him calmed down and I noticed his chin was torn open. I held it together with the cloth over it and with him on my lap my husband drove us to the hospital. I had him laying on the table and my husband was standing back against the wall on the other side of the room. The doctor and male nurse came in. I was holding J's hand and talking to him while the doctor examined him. The doctor moved the flesh around to show me how it was torn up to his chin bone. Now this was not the greatest thing I've ever seen, but J is looking right at me so I don't react to it other than to say I can see why it hurts or something like that. The next thing I know I hear this crashing sound and look over my shoulder. My husband is sliding down the wall, eyes rolled back in head, body convulsing. I thought he was having a heart attack. The nurse went over to him and was talking to him, telling him he fainted. I'm kind of incredulous at this point. Again, I don't react, there's a 3 year old here. I calmly said "he... fainted?" The doctor kind of grinned and said "well, his son is hurt." I said "oh... that must be... hard for him?" He grinned bigger and said "guess so?" I hear the nurse saying to him "it's ok, this happens all the time." So common in fact that other nurses were coming by, and if I glanced over, they were visibly trying not to laugh. OMG, what a wimp. The doctor told us that his chin would always be more susceptible to re-injury. In the 5th grade, J slipped in the shower and his chin broke open. At this time, I was a single mom (you're shocked, right?). He called out that he fell and his chin was bleeding. I told him to dry off, get dressed, and open the door. Got Z to get ready to go with us... M was at my aunt's. We put a cold wash cloth under it. Keeping in mind that what happened last time is now part of family legend, I looked at him and told him this time I'd be driving, and he'd just calmly hold the cloth still, and none of us would be fainting. They both agreed and off we went. It was... very simple. This brings me to Eagle~The Cowboy's Wife . I started yesterday afternoon's blog speaking of Marie's friend who is sick. She was able to get more information by leaving a list of questions for him to ask the doctor and then going back to visit later. In a medical situation, men need women... and women need... another woman. Seriously. Any way, they have reinflated his lung several times and are going to do a scan of his lungs on Monday. They may decide to do surgery. Neither of us is familiar with what they could surgically do to correct this issue. My boyfriend said a friend of his had a lung collapse in 1978, and that it was before they were doing the "reinflation" practices they do today, and that they operated and he was fine afterwards. He doesn't know exactly what the surgery was or how it works. Is anyone familiar with it? Marie related that her friend was trampled a long time ago, and had a lung collapse and reinflated at that time. It seems it is one of those things that can be fine afterwards unless or until it is compromised again.I'll close with a happy thought... unrelated to anything medical. Twin J and I were grocery shopping the other day. A friend of his called and asked him to hang out. I shook my head no. J said no. The friend persisted, and J looked at me and I shook my head no, and he said "I can't, I have to be up early for work tomorrow." I could hear the kid say, "well, you're not my friend if you don't." J simply said "ok, whatever." and hung up. I laughed and gave him a thumb's up. I was so proud! I was reminded of this last night when their persistent and loud cousin told J she was coming over. I told him he needed to call her back and tell her she couldn't. He asked why. I said for one thing the neighbor is miserable right now. He said the neighbor is a bitch. I said she certainly comes across that way, but it's clear that she is miserable for whatever physical/emotional reason and while that isn't our fault, we don't need to contribute to it and we should do our best to be as quiet as possible while she is going through this and that in that time his cousin can't come over. He actually called her back and handled it... and they have been extra quiet... which doesn't hurt my feelings any either. |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
PassKey Override Available
