Hi Shellyville,

Have you ever seen a live turkey? I don't mean the clean skinned one at the super-market, but live running around! Last week I seen two...Last night in my dream...I seen about 15.

I don't know why my dreams have to be so darn strange!!

Why would I be surrounded by turkeys? I tell ya, even in Shellyville...Strange things happen.

I only have one message that was the main theme of my dream and that was...You are Loved.

Yeah, I told it over and over to this little boy in my dream. He wasn't Jackson but I suppose in some way he was.

Yesterday we got a report from Jackson's social worker. She gave Jackson one of those personality, mental health test. In the way they present the questions you can"t lie. You get the same question asked a few different ways. It all boils down to understanding where Jackson is emotionally and how he feels about himself.

It's the kind of test that you don't want to see if it's negative. You want to believe that you have a very happy, well adjusted child. Well, I don't. I have a child that hates himself. After reading the answers to 136 questions, I wanted to cry.

I am only going to highlight a few of the ones that really bothered me.

I hear voices in my head, I see things that others can't see. I am lonely, I feel sad always. I worry about what is going to happen. Someone else controls my thoughts. I feel like my life is getting worse and worse. I feel depressed. No one understands me. People say bad things to me. My looks bother me. I wish I were someone else. I don't think I am a good person.

This list scares me. This is really my child and I know it but I try to ignore it. I don't want to crawl inside the darkness. I like to believe that the medication and school support and my love will be enough. I know now it never will be. I know that most of this is bipolar related. I know he can not help the way he thinks because of the chemical imbalance that compounds his thinking.

How can I not be scared? I want a happy child. I want a boy that is secure in who he is. The point here, is that he is. He knows himself well enough to answer these questions honestly. Now, what do I do about it?

I know from personal experience that the only thing I can do is love him. Try to help him understand what part is the illness and what part is faulty thinking. I can not take away the reality of his thoughts. I don't have that kind of control and I know it. I wish I did. I honestly wish I could make him see his goodness.

My life long journey is to teach my children about self-love. It took me too long to discover mine. I want my children to have it. I want them to know it and express it. I want them to see that even with faults and depressing thoughts, we are still lovable. We are still beautiful and worth the effort of living.

You can toss me all the negatives you want, but one by one I will deal with them. I'm not letting a little illness like bipolar steal my loving child. Never!

You are LOVED!

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

I am one spoiled babe! Last night I had a dinner party with my girlfriends to celebrate my birthday. I hit the mother-load with gifts.

I walked away with a ticket to travel, a bunch of jewelry, music, scarfs, a hat, a watch, 2 books and a shirt, and a small Christmas ornament, a bunch of body lotions, cina mints that came with a coupon to spend $$ in Tucson. Also, I can't forget I got slippers and a sign that said Friends.

Friends!

Wow I do have them! I feel so blessed by my loving friends. Thank you!!

I suppose the reason I feel so lucky is that I have learned that you get back what you give. I know how to give. I have always felt so selfish in my life. Spoiled rotten was my nickname growing up. My older sisters hated that I was spoiled by mom & dad.

What they didn't understand is that I didn't get money from my parents. I got the one thing that nobody else got. Attention.

I was the youngest girl. While they were all out partying, I was home watching TV with my parents. When dad went to the store, I went with him. When my parents went out to dinner with friends, I got invited along.

My older brother told me once, it was not normal for a 16 year old to hang out with her parents. What he failed to understand is that I was smart. I was smart to know that someday my parents wouldn't be around for me to hang out with. I took full advantage of my parents. I don't regret for one minute the time I spent being with my parents. It taught me to share.

I learned to share my thoughts. I learned to share my time. I learned to listen to those that were older and wiser and had advice to give. Granted I still had my teenage years. I still went on dates, out to parties and football games. I went to college. I went away. I had a life. I had friends.

In honor of my parents being my friends, I want to celebrate that gift. I wouldn't be alive without them. Next week I turn 45. (omg, I just typed 25) lol

So, I am giving back as much as I can this month. I found this on the activity page and I wanted to help out. I am not joining this group. I feel I have more then enough "group" activity here. I just want my friends to support this. It would really mean a lot to me.

Please if you can in any way give...Please do!

ID: 1619472   (Rated: E) Title: Rainbow Care Auction  Description: Auction to raise funds for Rainbow Care. Ends on 10th December 2009. By: Gem thanks Michelle!

I love this place! Thank you!!


 

Hi Shellyville,

Do you like to travel? I know I love it. I have always enjoyed going out and seeing new things. I even like to travel to the store.

So when this crossed my email box yesterday, I just had to share this!!

If you want a deeper connection with someone you care about, if
you want relationships that are more intimate, more meaningful and
longer-lasting, then try this simple technique. Just remember the word "TRAVEL."

T is for TRUST. If we're seeking a glue to cement us to another, then
trust is that bond. A relationship will go nowhere without it.

R is for RESPECT. Some people talk about how much they have always
respected their cherished friends and family at a funeral. But why
wait? People want to know that we hold them in high regard. It's about valuing others and letting them know you respect them.

A is for AFFECTION. Sometimes affection means love. Sometimes it means a touch. Or a hug. Always it means kindness.

V is for VULNERABILITY. Though we may feel afraid to let another too
close, no relationship will go anywhere without taking a risk. Like
entrepreneur Jim Rohn says, "The walls we build around us to keep out
the sadness also keep out the joy." And the love.

E is for EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. It about learning to be open. Learning to communicate freely. The quality of relationships we make are largely determined by how openly we communicate.

L is for LAUGHTER. Victor Borge got it right when he said, "Laughter
is the shortest distance between two people." It's also the most
enjoyable.

So for a relationship that can really go somewhere, just remember the
word "TRAVEL." Then enjoy the trip.

-- Steve Goodier

Love ya,





 

Hi Shellyville,

These are hard times indeed. We are traveling in uncharted territory for my school district. In the hole with no where to go. $15 million dollars in debt.

So it's a Michigan problem and a city's problem and now my problem.

They want to close the elementary school behind my house. I have to admit, I have no kids in that school anymore and I bought this house 13 years ago with no kids in that school. Still I have loved having it in my backyard.

To think that my city could abandon a building is scary. It makes me wonder if Michigan will ever recover from this economic crisis we all seem to be in. It also makes me wonder if Brian will ever get new employment.

He told me he is not willing to leave the state. He said someone has to stay and ride this out. He can ride this out all he wants, but how is he going to do that with no money? I really don't like to worry about things that are beyond my control. Still, I can't help but be concerned. I have been spoiled for too many years not to miss it.

I know, I know...My dad told me to save for rainy days, well in Shellyville...We don't have rainy days. We have sunshine and happiness and ignorant bliss. I like living in my safe bubble. It is when I leave the safety of Shellyville that I get depressed. I don't like being depressed. I'm not pretty when I am depressed.

I can not solve all the problems but I can make them seem less important. I will focus my attention on the sunshine. Like having Savanna and Jackson leave for school with smiles on their faces.

It truly is about the simple things and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I can't leave Shellyville, not yet anyway!


 

Oh Shellyville,

Do you ever wake up playing the game 20 questions? You know, you have to ask your child 20 questions as to why they don't want to got to school?

It never occurred to me that is was her hair! Nope, I asked about school, friends, boys, tests and if she got kicked off the bus...Nope.

No, those glistening tears rolling down her porcelain cheeks was all about her hair.

And so it begins, this stage of self-doubt and insecurities. I was so sad for her and I tried to be supportive, but after 20 minutes...You kinda lose it.

She missed the bus and dad had to drive her to school.

Personally, I am not ready for this kind of behavior. I get it. I understand that we want to look our best, but really...She is only 11, I know almost 12. I asked her so many questions...gosh forbid she has a serious issue, I am gonna be all over her.

I suppose it's hopeless to ask God to grant her an easy adolescence! No, she will have to endure the growing pains of being a girl. Dang we can never catch a break!

Love,
Michelle

 

Hi Shellyville,

Do you keep a wish list? A list of things you wish to do and what you want? I used to keep a list and a journal. I find that when I dig out my old notebooks and look at my list, I am amazed at how many things I have accomplished.

Simple things like attending a football game or big things like being published. All levels of success. However, I feel like as I age I should keep writing out my wish list. I don't think I have run out of ideas, but I am not inspired.

Savanna said I should add to my list what I want Santa to bring. I want him to bring me the UPmovie. I love that sweet show. I also want new pj's and some perfume. I was talking to Bri this morning looking over all the sale ads. It's so depressing.

It's so hard to shop when we have no income. I wonder now if he won't get a new job until after the first of the year. It seems so odd that so much of his day is spent searching the Internet and sending out resumes. It has become a full-time job. In October he was all excited about the things he was going to accomplish around the house. So far he has only been able to cross one or two things off.

Life is an adventure and one day at time we accomplish the simple things like breathing and believing in the future. That is why I keep a wish list, to make myself look forward and to stop looking back all the time!

I think I will be making a wish list today...Will you?


 

HI Shellyville,

Jackson is in need of some attention. He wants me to write about his good looks and write him a poem. I did write a poem called my Blue-eyed boy, but now he wants another one. So demanding!

Jackson,
My boy of 8
Is constantly on my mind
from dawn to dusk his attention is a must!
He is a melting pot of emotions
that can be stirred up at anytime
I love that boy of mine.

He said he "likes it!!"

Good, my work here is done!

If only his school year was going as easy. I tell ya, kids with special needs are not thought of very kindly in our school district. His teacher wants me to write another letter to the district administration. I still don't know why I seem to be the only parent with a voice. It seems to me that some parents are ashamed of their children and their needs.

Why? Have we lost sight of our goals? I know my child will never fit into the "standards" of society. So why do we push so hard for this? If I, as a parent can see my child for who he is, why can't others?

Next week we have meetings set up with the teachers, Jackson wants to meet with the Principal and tell her what is going on in his classroom. This year has been so horrible. I can't understand what is happening. It is just over whelming all the changes and problems that have occurred. I don't know how to fix the problem other then pulling Jackson out of his "special needs" classroom and putting him back in a regular third grade class.

I can't do that without an IEP and it will have to be set up as soon as possible. The saddest part of all is that I have had to increase his medication to handle this. It makes no sense that administration have ignored the true needs of my child. I better get busy on that letter, because this time I am really not holding back. I wish I knew a lawyer.

Have a wonderful day!


Please read my letter...I need this to be super strong. I welcome all editing tips.

ID: 1618278   (Rated: E) Title: Special Needs  Description: I need help! Please help me make this a strong letter to the Brighton District! By: Mi Belle * Michelle

Thank YOU!!
 

Hi Shells,

I passed my class! It is really not surprising that I passed...I'm just disappointed at how hard it is for the professor's to give corrective feedback.

I'm not perfect. I know it. I like being told that I'm professional, intelligent and that I will do well. However, how am I gonna learn if that is all you toss at me?

If we are in an assessment class, wouldn't you think they would give me an assessment? It wasn't designed that way. It was set up to delete the students that shouldn't be in the program. If after 8 months of classes...You would think the student would know! Anyway, they did weed out some students.

I know I will be there and my core group of friends. I just think it was a waste of my time for three weeks and $150 bucks! I could have used that money on shopping! I tell ya, by Thanksgiving weekend I am ready for Christmas!

Don't get me wrong, I love Thanksgiving! It is after-all my holiday. I was born on Thanksgiving Day in 1964. My mom went into labor and my older sisters took over the meal. I was born 9 minutes before my twin brother Matthew.

My family is not one to celebrate birthdays, when you have ten kids, your lucky to even get a card. So having my birthday at Thanksgiving time, meant that Matt & I were always celebrated. We would pretend that the big meal and the family gathering was about us. It's not like we got a birthday cake, but we did get pie!

We both would laugh about it, we knew it wasn't about us, but still we liked to pretend it was and for that it was always our private joke. Even the Thanksgiving parade was for us. What better way to say Happy Birthday then a parade? I mean Macy's knows how to throw a party!!

So I love Thanksgiving and it opens the Christmas shopping season and to me...It just don't get better than that!

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

I have my thoughts all over the map today, so let's see where this bus is going!

*Bello gave me a black eye! It hurts! I went to get down on the carpet last night so Brian could crack my back and Bello ran right into the side of my head. I have a huge bruise over my left eye! Ouch!

*I have my final class tonight in Potfolio 2. If I pass this little exercise, I am good to go. I'm not worried about passing my ten minute practice role-play as a therapist. What I am worried about is, I have a black eye, and I have to dress professionally. Hello! I don't own any professional clothes.
I have some clothes for like say a wedding, but an outfit to look professional? Not so much! I will try to find something that is comfortable and appropriate, no..I did not say professional.

*What is the deal with my dreams? Okay...If you see a name spelled out in a dream. I think that is kind of significant. So where are you? John....Jack? ....Who is this person I was worried about last night? It was Jackson. It was my girl friend in high school, Her dads name was Jack Failing. He wanted to talk to me. Why do generations get mixed up in dreams? I was in high school with Brad Kramer. Brad was like a cousin and our parents were close friends.Did something happen to his parents? Damn I don't understand all this confusion and YOU GREG LUCE! Greg was one of my best friends in highschool. In fact the first date I ever went on was with Greg. Greg is a medic in the Army. I know why he was in my dream. I wish you well Greg.

All thoughts lead to home? Is that what dreams are really all about? The life you lived at home or the life you currently want to live? I don't know...I told ya, I am all over the map today and I didn't even want to get out of bed. I have become this creature I don't recognize. Where is Shelly?

*I need sex. I don't get enough. I said it. I'm married and I said it.

*See Shelly is not completely insane but very needy! Aren't we all?




 

Hi Shellyville,

I'm having a little celebration today! I am going to celebrate my new web page!

ID: 1616711   (Rated: E) Title: Michelle B. Klear  Description: Michelle Klear's Web Page By: Mi Belle * Michelle

The sweet and talented L. D. Dailey created it for me. I only gave Lee a few ideas and off he ran with it. I am very happy and surprised at how fast he finished it.

I have no idea how to do anything with it. I need to ask him a few questions. I want to be able to kind of change things around and keep it fresh.

I even posted the most current picture of me. I don't take a lot of pictures so it is nice to see what I look like. I change my hairstyle so much! I'm such a girl!

Funny, when my hair is long I want it short and when my hair is short I wish it was long! I wish I could just be happy living in the moment. I working on it.

Hey, I even applied for a full-time job yesterday! I found a case-management job at the Oakland Livingston Human Services Agency. It would be a great place to get some experience and a foot in the door for future work.It was so odd filling out an application. I haven't done that in over 10 years. I had to laugh, they wanted my Elementary school information. HUH? Isn't that a little odd? Who cares where I went to school when I was a kid!!?!. Needless to say, I left it blank. I could have filled it out, but the school had changed names a million times. I don't even know if it is a school anymore.
I should probably know if it is a school? Maybe I need to take a road trip. I feel so restless.

Time to get busy!
Love ya,







 

Hi Shellyville,

I'm looking for something to do today. I am so bored already. I should never be bored. Life is full of all kinds of things to keep me busy, yet...I feel I have run out of ideas.

Shame on me! I shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't be like this!

When will I ever feel my internal fire burn again? I even hate to say this, let alone think it, but it is time for me to get some kind of job. Yikes. I said it.

I need more. It is time to go volunteer and make myself known in the mental health community. I don't have to wait until I have my degree. I should be doing something now. Life is slipping by and I am watching it.

I can't wait to help others...so what is stopping me?

Fear. Ever hear of it? Fear is a wild beast that roams my mind at times. He robs me of confidence. He tells me I won't find anything. He tells me I won't be good enough. I hate that voice. I wonder why I let it determine my happiness. Why would I let this monster roam free in my precious mind?

Today, I am going to set the beast free. I am going to go take my shower, get dressed and look for something to occupy my mind. I can do it!

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

What a bummer! The girls club was going to celebrate my birthday on Friday and now everyone has cancelled. The date was set over a month ago. Everyone knew it was my day. We were going to go up to Holly for the day, shop and have lunch.

I think I might just go by myself.

Every fall this little town puts on an old fashioned holiday celebration. All the stores offer food and drinks and discounts! It's all decorated like the old dickens village and they have people dressed up in customs.

I love it.

Yep, I made my mind up. On Friday, I am going to Holly!!! I can get into trouble all by myself!


 

Hello Shellyville,

I have the windows open! November 8, the house is wide open to let in the fresh breeze and the unusual warm weather.

Wow!

Mother Earth is giving me a little fall treat today! I love that woman. I keep wondering what I have done for her lately. I am sorry to say, not much.

I have used her water, walked her land.

Traveled her forest, climbed her mountains and swam in her lakes.

I have basked in her sunlight and took shelter from her rain.

I have tasted snowflakes on my tonque.

I have washed my hair in the wind.

I have counted the stars and played hide and seek with the moon.

I took it all for granted.

Never believing it could ever end.



Have you loved your Mother today?

Love,
Michelle

 

HI Shellyville,

Today is going to be a lazy day. The kids are being entertained by Sponge Bob, Brian is outside and I am at my favorite place. Life is Good!

I really have a long list of little things to do, you know the basics of owning a home and caring for kids. However, as a stay at home I have all week. I don't have to rush around on Saturdays and do all my chores. I used to be a Saturday marathan girl. I grew up with a working mom.

Every Saturday was the same. A few minutes of cartoons and then the rest of the morning cleaning house to be kicked out after lunch and allowed to come back in when the street lights came on.

Life was so simple.

Who cared if you roamed the streets? It was a blast hanging out at the park with the neighborhood kids. I think all the moms must have had the same rule. Kids belonged outside! Now I have to unplug everything in the house to get my kids outside.

I do usually push them out after lunch. I can't believe how much life repeats itself. We really are the products of our environment. Of course, we have to hope that they are safe and don't get in trouble. I don't think my worries are all that different from my moms. The basic rule was... JUST DON"T EMBARRASS ME!

Yeah, that works!
Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

It's the end of the marking period and the kids are home from school! Yippee!

It's a free for all and I love that! Kids running around, the neighbors dogs playing in the backyard and Brian is HOME!

He can handle the wild bangees while I do some of my own writing for a change. I only have a small amount of homework and then I am off for 2 Whole Weeks!!

I am so looking forward to getting back in touch with my creative side. I am going to try to create some new poetry, do some reading and editing of my first short story. I might even get caught up with some reviewing. I even think I am going to do my Christmas cards. I want to get a head start because last year, I didn't even send out cards.

Finally, I see some "me" time coming and I don't want to waste it! What do you do with your free time?


 

Hi Shellyville,

I often wonder this time of year...Why I live in the North. I do like to see the change of seasons and I enjoy the first snowfall but other than that, I don't like cold weather.

I always feel like my skin is gray in the winter. I feel less vibrant than I am suppose too.

I wonder year after year why I am settling for this kind of torture. I would strive in a warm environment. I don't mind humidity, I like dry heat. I can melt my sandals in the sun.

I have to start thinking about moving my body towards the sun.

The problem here is that I am not alone. I come with this package deal of husband and two kids and extended family. My roots for some reason have been planted in the North.

I could up-root them and be happy. I know personally that I would fine, but would the others?

I know I have to make the best of where I am at. So I will tell myself that I love the cold weather. I will continue to wear vibrant colors and change my makeup. I do it every year and I survive.

I survive!


 

Hi Shellyville,

If you have ever liked a Michael Jackson song, then I highly recommend you go see his movie This is it!

I went yesterday and I want to go see it again. In fact, I want to own it when they release it. If they ever do. I have never been to a MJ concert. In fact I never owned any of his music but I have always admired his talent.

I grew with Michael and after watching that show, he didn't look anywhere near the age of 50! Wow I hope I look half that good. The man could move and still sing.

It was a movie that was so unique and interesting to watch and not because he is dead, but because he was a creative monster. His talent went beyond his music but how he worked with people and could move with his own musical beat.

Something that special should be celebrated. I don't care about the rumors and it's sad to think he died on sleeping pills, but he left behind something that can't be ignored or forgot.

When God hands you a personal talent, you better know how to use it. He did! Are you using yours?


 

Hi Shellyville,

How old do you have to be to know about sex? I ask this question because it turns out my cute and adorable 8 year old knows what it is. How does he know? He sweet and adorable older sister told him.

What is even funnier is that I swear I had this long conversation with Savanna a couple years ago. She had this description of the boy using his hot dog and adding it to the girls honey sandwich.

Honestly, it was a conversation that was one of those moments, you just know you are a parent.

I did my best not to die laughing and we had the long talk about the birds & the bees...and honey. Yeah, I am sure I was honest and all. What is so ironic is that we think our kids don't know and they do. They see, hear and listen to music.

Jackson told us this morning at breakfast with a super big smile that he knows what sex is. So we asked and he said "it is when a girl and boy take their private parts and rub them together"..."That is so gross" he added. Brian and I just looked at each other and said, yep, that is all you need to know at age 8.

I'm not shocked, but surprised. I wanted Jackson to be innocent forever, but I know that is not realistic. Oh well I only have 2 more years before he gets the real sex-ed talk in school. I can wait!

So how early where you when you figured out the birds and the bees? Did you have older siblings that spilled the beans or did you pick it up from friends? Just wondering...


 

Happy Shellyville Day!

I have to come up with some answer to a case study today. I have another treatment plan to write and I can't find what I am looking for in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

I know that Grief should be listed under a Mood Disorder. I would think it would be with the Depression stuff but I can't find it. It is not listed at all and I find that so hard to believe. No, I don't think grief is a mental illness, but what I do think is that people will seek a professional counselor for issues relating to grief.

Is there another name for grief? I have another name for stress right now...It's called HUSBAND.

I just want my normal life back. I want him at work so I can do my normal things and not get mad at him for all the things he is not doing. Like this weekend I asked him and the kids to the clean house for me. They didn't. He washed a load of towels but never put the dryer on, so now they have to be washed again. I know it is the little stuff that is driving me crazy.

I can't complain about the big stuff that is out of my control, but these little things make me irritated and unfriendly. I will take a few deep breaths now. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay, I am off to have a clinical intervention with myself!


 

Hi Shellyville,

I can't believe it is November! So many things are running thru my candy filled mind.

I needed that extra hour of sleep this morning. It has been one long long weekend!!

It started out Friday with watching my friends sick boy. He played video games all day while I made jewelry for the Woman's Expo on Saturday.

That night we went over to Kim and Chris's for chili dinner and drinks. We never played cards but we sure had fun just relaxing and eating. Thanks Kim for a fun night!

Now I have a new favorite drink...Leelanau Cellar's Witches Brew!

I couldn't wait to get to bed because I had to get up so early on Saturday morning for the Wayne State University's I'am Woman expo in Detroit. What a blast, I had a table with a friend and we both promoted our poetry books and I had a few pieces of my jewelry with me. I didn't sell much but I was offered two speaking engagements.

I think it would be a blast to talk to young teenagers about self-esteem and self-love. I even met a few ladies that are interested in having me present to woman's group about that same subject. Who knows it could be a way to open up a few doors for my new career.

I am always willing to find new ways to improve my life.

Happy November!!
Love,
Michelle