Hello my sweet and sunny friends,

Have you seen this white stuff that is outside? I can't believe my town is finally getting some SNOW!

It has finally arrived. Every single snow storm this winter has missed our city. It just keeps snowing all around us, while we stay cold and ugly. So having the snow fall gently out my window is a nice treat.

I don't mind winter if I have something pretty to look at. What makes a Michigan winter so long is the lack of sunshine. Of course, it's not sunny today but when it snows, at least it is brighter looking outside.

Today, Jackson has an apt with his Therapist Ms. Beth. I am hoping we don't have to cancel. Jackson is finally in a some-what stable place. I don't know if this will last, but it sure is nice. I can't believe how much he missed me and how sweet he is being.

You know Jackson never lets me touch his food. He absolutely hates when I want to take a bite of his food or want to share something he is eating. He refuses and yells at me. So, imagine my surprise on Sunday morning when I toasted his bagel and put peanut butter on it. He asked me if I wanted the first bite. I thought he was kidding so I didn't take him up on his offer.

I sat down at the table with my coffee and noticed he hadn't started eating, I asked him why and he said he was waiting for me to take the first bite. I did and he got the biggest smile on his face. He was so happy. I laughed. I couldn't believe that he would offer me a bite and take such joy in something so little like that. It might sound silly, but this is one huge deal with us.

Life is really lived in the small moments of our daily activities. It is the routine of coffee and silence that we live. I enjoy the moments that bring a smile and take my breath away. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful moments in my life.

Thank you for sharing them with me!

I love you!
Michelle

p.s...Look at this wonderful gift from Falguni!
I really do like hugs!!

 

Leave a comment || View 2 comments || Comment Pop

Hi my sunny friends,

I thought I posted my wonderful blog this morning, only to find out it didn't post! Whatever!!

Life is my adventure today. I have to find some kind of inner balance to all the turmoil that is spinning inside my mind.

Do you ever read a story and think it is yours? Like someone could take parts of your life and create something out of it? I don't know what makes me such a romantic fool. I really do have the heart the size of Texas.

I just wanted to say one thing more about Tucson and I don't want to offend anyone that lives there...But where is the food?

I have to say I judge my vacation on the quality of the food I experience. I like to try to find the best local restaurant. I like to hang out with the college kids. I like to see where the every day worker eats a meal out.

I don't have a clue or an answer. I have been to a lot of cities and towns and I have been to Phoenix, but this place was different! For starter's...NO Starbucks! Okay, I take that back...only two locations. Still, it was an adventure to find decent food and I like to eat.

Don't get me wrong, I did eat. I just didn't have that wonderful meal that will keep me company in my memories of Tuscon. Perhaps this trip feed a part of my soul that food will never touch.

The adventure of living in the moment with no regrets.

Life is good!

Love,
Michelle
 

Hello my sunny friends,

Good Morning beautiful!!

I feel so well rested and relaxed today. I want to dance in my happiness. I am so excited to be alive.

I know now, what I need to do. I have a plan. I have an idea and I have a goal I need to accomplish.

I am going to be more myself now. I am giving myself permission to express this feeling inside. I am not going to pretend I don't have real emotions. I am going to be me. I have been hiding and I am done.

I love and I love big and I am going to let that love guide me, direct me and give me what I need to be happy. I am going to trust my gut. I am going to enjoy the friendships in my life. I am going to express my desire and be more of me.

Thank you to C. Anthony for meeting me in the desert and teaching me to trust. It's awesome to meet someone in person and have them be exactly who you think they are. I can't tell you what that has done for me.

I love and it feels great!

Have a wonderful sunny day!
Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Sunshine!

Have you ever gone on vacation only to need another one? Well I must have walked about a hundred miles a day and I loved it!

I had such a great time but nothing beats finding myself in the process. It's funny how much my soul was missing. I was stuffing so many emotions away from my mind, trying to protect my feelings that I stopped living in the moment.

Well, this girl knows how to live! I experienced an emotional roller coaster ride! To the Top of the mountain to the depths of my deserted dry & brittle heart. I nurshied it in the sunshine. I found the truth I was seeking.

I learned that I can love. In areas that are too beautiful to write about!

I found my sunshine and it is burning my heart from inside out. It sure feels good!

Love,
Michelle


 

Hi Shellyville,

I'm leaving on a jet plane...don't know when I will be back...

Can't wait to get away and take flight!

Find out something new about myself!!

Oh, I am so excited. I have much to do today! I have to pack and everything!!!

I am not bringing my computer! My school work is done. My kids are healthy and life is good!!!

I will miss you, but next week I will be back. It's a new month and a good time to have some FUN!

So this little birdie has to go...but know where ever I am, I LOVE YOU!

I was always called "little birdie" growing up! I thought it would be fun to hear that one more time! I really like the little kid in me.

Have a great week!
Love,
Michelle

Hi Shellyville,

I have to have all my homework done today. All of it!

I have to make the best of my time and I plan on going out today to study with my original team mates. They still love me! Sebi called and invited me to Borders, so we could study as a group.

I love my friends! I might have the best friends in the world!

Although I do have a question. Brenda wants to take me on a mystery trip today. She wants me to wear my warmest clothes and heaviest boots and meet her for about an hour. I know exactly what she wants to do and NO WAY in hell am I going!

Her little town is having a fishing derby...ICE Fishing derby! I know she wants to drag me out to the ice and meet some fishing guy and try to fish. Well I did try fishing ONCE and it was okay. I will however never go out on ICE to Fish!!

Now if my best friend knows I hate to be COLD and I hate to Fish....What possible motive could she have by inviting me to freeze? I love Brenda dearly and I plan on spending the next week with her in Arizona...Still this makes me nervous to think she thinks I would be okay with a mystery trip today.

So as much as I love my friends, do you ever question their motives? Is it ever safe to go against your gut reaction? In this case, I am sticking with my gut and staying as far away from the Ice that I can!!!

Be warm and stay safe!
Love you!
Michelle
 

Help!

I just had my dog break open a black pen on my couch and it left a huge ink spot. I think I made it look even worse when I went to clean it up.

I looked under quick spills and they said to use rubbing alcohol. It seems to make it wet and let up some of the ink, but the whole area has spread out and now it looks worse.

Man, I have to say this is not making me feel good. My mom always used to say she could never have nice things. She was always upset that "the kids" ruined something. Now it was my dog but I understand how she must have felt.

I am not a perfectionist, but I also like to have nice things. I can't afford the life I am living. What does that say about me? When I can't afford the life I am living, I should try to find some other kind of life. How the hell do you do that?

Why is it always the last little thing that breaks open the flood gates? I know I have been holding too much inside. I feel ready to explode with emotions. Why am I doing this? What is my goal but other then to feel this emotion and work thru it?

Jackson is stable and Savanna won her first game of basketball this morning. It also happened to be the last game of the season...but what a great way to end. It was nice to see her team work together and be aggressive.

Oh man, I have so many good things going on, why am I so upset about the dang couch? What is really bothering me? Were is this disappointment coming from? Deep within, I am so unsettled. Deep inside unease is brewing.
I need to sit on it. I can't let it go just yet.

I think I know once I reach inside that place, I might never get back out. I might never find that strength. I so need to get out of here. I need to leave. It's time for me to go. I can hang on for a few more days, but I wonder how much I have to handle before the plane leaves on Tuesday.

Will I find what I am searching for? Or will my heart be broken even more? Only time can tell. Will I ever get that answer?

I Love YOU!
Michelle
 

Hi Shells,

I got lost in emotions. I let the words slip over my heart and tears wash down my face.

I have things still bottled up inside, rooms in my soul not discovered. Places left cold.

I will someday be brave enough to face my fears.

Someday I will live this romantic dream I keep hiding.

I can be this woman. I know it. I will be.

I will let the words slip over my heart and love.

Love,
Michelle
 

HI Shellyville,

Do you ever find yourself in the middle of trouble and wonder how you got there?

Last night, I was the one to open my mouth to my class and the new professor that I wanted to go back to my original team. We are required to have working class teams for my school. We can have anywhere from 3 to 5 members and we would be a team of 4.

Well it let off sparks. The back of the room got pissed. It wasn't pretty and I was stuck in the middle.

The professor blew it off and assigned the teams of 3. We only have 9 students in the class. It was suppose to be the end of the problem, but instead it has created a war.

I am stuck now with two people I have never worked with before. I pissed off Anglia because I took her spot. I made D look like she wasn't wanted and my core group got together minus me.I could deal with that, but now in the university student website, where our teams communicate it is a fight going on between everyone and it is sounding pretty nasty. I haven't stepped in yet and I am not going too.

I opened my mouth to get what I wanted and that didn't happen. I need to write my professor. I won't be in class on Thursday. He is really cool and sent the information I would need. He is going to be a great teacher if we can get past this bs about the teams. The thing is the team work is about 30% of your grade, so this is a huge problem that has to be fixed.

I don't like it when things blow up. I suppose when you have passion, you have fire and things blow up with fire. Now, I have to find my way in this mess. Yikes, I am not in the mood for this.

The good news is my grades! My last teacher loved my 60's paper and I got an A-! Yeah, I have a big head!!!

Love ya,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

Is it lunch time? I can't wait!

I am meeting Ann & Mary for lunch today. Nothing fancy, I think we are going to McDonald's. (yuck)

I don't care about the food, I just want to get out of the house. I never made it to the mall yesterday. My tire was flat and Brian had to fix it. So I ended up staying home and making some Jewelry.

Don't get me wrong, I love making jewelry, but I need to get out of my HOUSE!

I need more activity and I can't wait to make some personal changes, but everything takes so long!

I am not complaining. I learned a long time ago that things happen for a reason. I'm good!

So what are you doing for lunch today?

Love ya,

 

Hi Shellyville,

I think today is a good day for LOVE!

I shall make it a pretty day by doing something good for myself. I will leave my house and go for a walk in the mall. I would walk outside,but baby it's cold out there!

I have never been one to like the winter. I like it just fine from inside my house or bundled up in a snowsuit. Otherwise...It's just a long three months. I have to endure.

I am a true-blue southern girl. Why I wasn't born in the South, I have no idea! I think perhaps I was...maybe a couple centuries ago. I could see me having a big house and all, but then I lose it when I get to the owning slaves part...No, I would be the woman that would help free the slaves and house the underground railway. I would be such a trouble maker!!! Or maybe I was born in the Southwest, were I could live off the land. I would be a woman with a gun tied to my leg!

I can't wait to visit Tombstone! I want to walk the dusty trails of the Southwest and feel the wind in my face. Maybe chase some tumbleweed down the road!

I feel so connected to history! I am sure my ancestor in Italy are crying! What is wrong with that child?...Don't she know she is a Northerner? Yes, I do know I am from Northern Italy but I was born here in North America. ...Where it is darn cold in the Winter!

Well it was fun while it lasted, this little trip in my mind! Now, I need to get out of the house and go visit something real.

Today is a good day to LOVE!


 

HI Shellyville,

Inspiration is often hard to find. Finding a reason to jump out of bed, when I would rather snuggle in deeper, knowing that my kids need me...is still not enough to get me up!

I have Brian and I am using him. I am using his need to get up and be busy as my excuse not too.

I find it so odd, that I am using him.

I use him in a way I never have. I have always run my own life. I have been the get-it-done kinda girl. I used to take on the battles of Jackson. I used to run interference for his feelings and his behavior. Now I stand back and let Brian handle the full frontal attack.

I let him handle it, while I sit back and do my own thing. I am not involved. I am not hoovering. I am not sympathetic or controlling. I am simply not doing anything.

I don't know how long I can go on like this. It was nice in the beginning. I needed the break. I needed Brian to step in and take charge. Now, I am feeling useless. What an absolute silly thing for me to feel.

None the less, the feeling is real. I have lost an edginess to my soul. I have lost a sense of accomplishment with Jackson. Perhaps, it was my own little power-house feeling of being in charge. I liked that I had total knowledge and control of Jackson's behavior. I suppose I still do. I love that little guy and he still needs me, but right now...I'm letting him need his dad. I am letting dad do all the things that I once did. How long can this last?

In a couple weeks Brian will get his first unemployment check. We have no idea what amount that will be. It will mean a change. I have been living with this false hope that we could go on like this forever, but, I don't think that's possible.

I heard something interesting last night on TV. "Americans like change, but only when it comes slowly and when they have some control over it". I couldn't agree more. It was about the govt and the whole health care bill. I don't know if the change is needed, but something is. I really want the govt to get us back to work. We have to start helping Americans find jobs.

Being unemployed is really starting to bother Brian. He is getting grumpy. He is not as fun to hang out with. I don't blame him. I understand. We both need him to work, but he needs it. Unlike me, he can't find joy in the house cleaning or preparing food. He needs to know that he is bringing in Money. Pure and simple. He needs to be the breadwinner. It's in his bones. It's who he is.

Something so simple and yet at this moment out of reach. It's so frustrating. I can feel his pain, but I can't do anything about it. Again...The useless feeling.

I am not useless. I know that much. I know my value and worth. I know my purpose and I have my own personal goals that I am achieving. I just wish I could give Brian what he needs. That is something beyond my control....At this moment. Someday this won't matter. Someday I will.

Someday I will!






 

Hi Shellybabes,

I want to change my handle. I have to get back to the sunshine. I miss being all sunny and bright. I miss the sunshine that I like to dance in.

I miss dancing!

I am going to play some loud music today and have a dance party with my kids. It's time to have some fun and forget this old rainy day!

Those blue sky's are here to stay!! Yippee and did you read inhercats blog? I would so love to start that revolution. I am on the team..I know I am...are you?



Love you!
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

At the moment I am home alone! No husband or child...no dust bunnies to chase. I already cleaned them all up. I have a couple of free moments and I'm HERE!

I finally feel like the fog has lifted. I was really out of it yesterday. I couldn't read or think. I over did the whole writing/school thing last week.

It could be worse...I could be doing that for a living or something. I don't know, I hope I do find some kind of job where I can find some balance. I want to write but not every single day. I want to read but not non-stop. I want to talk, but mostly I just want to listen.

Listen...

To the inner words that are spoken low...to the sound of healing and pain.

to listen to the rain drops of anger dissolving.
to listen to the story unfold
to listen to the courage
to listen for the insight
to listen for the hope
to listen for the sound of never ending love


I will listen with my heart wide open.

I can't wait to listen ~ respond ~ dance in the sunshine.


 

Hi Shells,

What is the deal? Did you know that only 3% of American Woman have a Masters degree?

I don't know what the percentage is for men, but I am sure it has to be a lot higher!!!

I am shocked by that low number. Come on Ladies...What is the thinking behind this?

I have often wonder if we can ever get past our old programming of defeat. Can we break the mental barriers that were handed down generation after generation? When do we start a new generation of thinking?

It's like an email I got today, saying that they want to take the Holocaust out of the text books in Israel because it offends the Muslims. Give me a break! Holocaust happened people. Pictures don't lie...At least not that many. You can take it out of the textbooks, but do you think that will stop the thinking behind the Holocaust? Can we really ever walk away from that kind of mental imagery of defeat?

I hope the answer is YES! We can overcome it. We can make a new world happen. We can educate our self, so that small minded and closed thinking won't keep us down.

Lets MOVE IT! Let's take the education back! I want to encourage every woman I know to go after that advanced thinking! Take your life to a new level. If I can do it, so can YOU!

Sorry, I am on my high horse today, but I feel like this is an important message to American Woman and really woman all over the world!!!!! God gave us a brain...Let's USE IT!

Love ya,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville.

Well, I'm done with the Sixties! I am done with my paper and I admit, I am under the word count!!!!!

What I have learned...That I am more Liberal then I knew...

That the 60's rocked!

That I'm lucky I was too young to protest civil rights, or I would be in jail today.

I am lucky my brothers came home from Vietnam.

I am lucky that politics went on without my knowledge or input.

I am lucky that this class is over and I will likely get my second B. I basically have an A+ going into tonight's class, but without finishing my paper at 3000 words, she could knock me down

I'm prepared for a bad grade, I just couldn't for the life of me come up with more thing to talk about. I had too much information and not enough direction. I have officially hit my burn-out target. I am ready to don some flowers and color myself DONE!

Love YOU!
 

HI Shells,

I want to find my inner child...Have you seen her?

She is about 4 feet tall, short blond hair and big blue eyes.

I can imagine she is on some swing set at a park, singing songs and laughing at the sky.

She is alone and happy.

She has been missing for about a week...Have you seen her?



 

Hi Shellyville,

I am going to go for a blue month! Might as well start out the new year Blue! I love my blog and I do write here for myself.

I know I write for others to read, but I also write for me to read. I use my journal to monitor my growth. To help me remember what is important, what happened and what the heck I was thinking!

I am sorry to see the end of Images in Ink. My first and favorite group. I loved the idea of bipolar people coming together and helping each other create. I knew it was time for it to end when Stacy was taking so much time away from it. When you run a group you have to be totally time committed.

Number one reason I am only a co-leader and never a true leader. I don't have the time. I am having less and less time for even being a co-leader. I make it work, because I enjoy it. I don't know if I can keep giving half of my attention to the paper dolls, but I will keep trying.

School is interesting and at the moment kicking my butt. I shouldn't even be here. I should be deep in the 60's and writing my ten page paper, that Bri's says I am avoiding...I am avoiding it.

Why? I don't have a clue where the heck to start or what I am suppose to be doing. The directions for this paper are confusing me. Is it a history paper or a rewording of what happened to the mental health industry in the 60s and all of it confuses me and makes me keep searching for information...It's like something is missing in my research...Direction!

So I have to get on the bus and find my way. I think I would be a freedom rider. I would risk my personal safety to make a stand for equal rights. I would support change and I would riot and hang out at Woodstock and I would wear flowers in my hair. I would chase the Beatles like a love-sick puppy and fly to the moon! I'm after all a baby boomer and I can do it ALL!

Love ya,
Michelle
 

HI Shellyville,

Happy MLK Day!

I tell ya, that man was so awesome! He believed in an America that could change. That could treat all the races the same. He wanted so much for the rights of all citizens to be one.

I am so grateful to him and all those that suffered so much for the Civil Rights of Americans. I am grateful to the brave souls on the Freedom buses, to those that stood up to small minded folks.

Ignorance must be not be tolerated in America. I am glad we are past the violence of the race riots, but I don't think we are done fighting. I believe we still need to be diverse. We still need to embrace all the cultures of the world.

The only way to do that is to be open to change and take the time to find out what makes every individual unique. We all have our past, we all have burdens to carry. We all share a dream.

Dream Big and Love Bigger!

Love,
Michelle