OK, that was pretty disturbing. But, in the interest of honest review and critique, I'll take a stab at reviewing this, maybe even a couple of stabs.
The story is generally well written, but suffers a bit from excess, as such stories often do. There are also a few weak points due to repetition, as for example in the first line:
A small insignificant click breaks the silence. In the darkness, a small white glow
The repeated word caught my attention as if it was supposed to mean something, but it didn't. I'd try something like:
A small click breaks the silence. In the darkness, a white glow
which would not lose any meaning but would sound better.
In a different vein, "Amazement and horror are strange bedfellows on her once pretty features." is just way too overdone. The focus is completely shifted from the compelling story to the writing, and while I strongly believe in vivid imagery, I'd don't think it should get in the way of the story. This happens in other places, such as ", like a swarm of angry bees.", which I would just remove.
And "Her eyes quiver in the night-time gloom, slowly opening to the subdued light. The concern is evident, as she opens her mouth to speak."? Her son is standing in the room with two screwdrivers, and you say "The concern is evident"? How about "She opened her mouth to scream.", which would communicate the same basic thing but sound like a story was being told.
In short, I think the story is strong, but overwritten and undertold. Leave something for the reader to do besides grimace in horror - like maybe imagine the horror rather than listening to it. You write well, but try not to overwrite.
In general, a well written and entertaining story, but it seemed to lack some oomph. Comedy can be hard to critique - one person may laugh hysterically and another yawn - but the issue for me seems to be the characterization. We start with the general idea that Bonzo is rich and powerful, which is odd in a clown, then move to Bonzo as weak and easily cowed with what sounds like extremely weak evidence, them move back to Bonzo as rich and unstoppable. I think you might have spent a little more time showing us "the real Bonzo", or perhaps "the real Larry Henderski", so we would care more.
You do write well, but this piece doesn't quite work for me. I think you could make it much more potent with a bit of pruning and shaping. I'd be happy to re-review if you do and would like a re-review.
Oh, very intriguing. Do you write longer pieces? You do have a bit of a tense issue in "Tobane was in Vietnam for three months now. During that time, he was already transferred twice", which should probably be "Tobane had been in Vietnam for three months now. During that time, he'd already been transferred twice".
I'll have to scrounge around in your other writings, but these are definitely interesting.
Entertaining and provocative - I can't really tell where you are going with this. I really like "their frail forms crunching under the heavy stomp of sacrilegious feet". I like the idea of a drastically different description of nature's processes. I just can't tell whether to consider it a scene or character sketch or what.
I'm looking forward to more of your writing, as this is very well done.
Very interesting and powerful. I liked the flow and the almost-prose/almost-poetry way of tackling a difficult subject.
There were a few technical issues which made it a bit harder to follow, and one spelling error.
The use of capitalization seemed somewhat random. There may have been a pattern or reasoning behind it, but it just seemed random. For example, why did the fourth line "uncaring," use lower case while the fifth line "Trapped," used upper case? I found this distracting, as if I was supposed to see the rhyme and reason but was not smart enough.
I don't know the context of the piece, but the highly specific date, "20/06/2008", seemed inexplicable. After a certain amount of thought, I'm guessing that you are referring to a graduation, but it certainly isn't clear (and would be even less so to most Americans, who are not used to the dd/mm/yyyy date format.
In place of "personel", I assume you mean "personal", although I guess it is vaguely possible you mean "personnel".
Good work - keep on writing, and editing. I'm sending along an encouragement as well.
Creepy, but fun. I'm not a big fan of the horror/fantasy genre, but this seems fairly well done. The punctuation is actually pretty good, despite your worries, except for a real scarcity of commas. Let's do a quick comma hunt:
First paragraph: After Pulling my blanket around me, after Desperately, after inky blackness, after Paralysed with fear (and Paralysed is spelled wrong unless you're British, in which case it may be right), after I am afraid to see it.
Second paragraph: After taunting me, after ts voice changes.
Third paragraph: After and look closely, after Small and sharp, after Choking.
Fourth paragraph: After eyes for the last time.
Aside from the commas, the biggest problem is just too darn much description. Read the following two parts out loud:
Blistered, peeling, infected skin, deep dark eyes
Small sharp irregular teeth set in a large mouth with thin lips curled into a self-satisfied smile.
What is added by all the specificity? Nothing but a sense of boredom with the narrative that is out of place with the excitement you are building otherwise. Trust your reader to get that this is a nasty, nasty demon, and don't feel you have to describe every fetid detail.
Keep up the writing, and do some careful editing, and this could easily be a piece worth hanging on to.
Well done. I didn't expect the twists the story took, and read raptly to the end (always a good sign). There were a few technical points I'd make:
The words Honey and Silly should not be capitalized when they are used affectionately the way they are, and it is somewhat distracting.
This would be a tough thing to change, but I find the present tense in this piece somewhat intrusive. As much as some people like to use present tense to add immediacy, it sometimes makes reading the piece harder. I think I'd prefer past tense in this writing.
This is merely a vague opinion, but when you say It's okay, Bri. I know you're the sensitive one it rings a little false. If a person on the outside is describing two twins, he or she might say one is the sensitive one, but if a sister is talking to her twin sister, wouldn't she be more likely to say It's okay, Bri. I know you're sensitive?
I thought imagining how devastated he and Brittany will be when they find out I'm dead seemed a little awkward. Wouldn't she be more likely to wish she could hold them once more or see them once more or something less "third person"?
Those issues aside, I do like the story quite a bit, and think with a bit more work, it could be really something. Keep on writing!
I read the story through, or actually only about two thirds of the way through. I take the process of reviewing very seriously, and try to give constructive criticism and suggestions, but I am having a hard time knowing exactly how to proceed.
Your story is interesting in parts, and show some promise in plot, but the writing seems inappropriate to the age group being described. In other words, if you were writing about a fifth grade class, the line Steve's last name was Bach, which was kind of funny. Supposedly he wasn't related to the famous Bach, Johann Sebastian, from a billion years ago. would fit in fine, but it sounds completely wrong about the age students you are describing. There are also way too many parts that are just bland:
He was right. The sight of blood bothered me. I couldn't even stand it to watch slasher movies on TV with Steve and Jenna over summer break when my parents were at work. My sister Penny was supposed to be watching us, but she was usually off somewhere doing something else.
There is a lot that could be done with this, but mostly it should just be rewritten. My sister Penny was supposed to be watching us, but she was usually off somewhere doing something else? I'm sorry, but that is pretty weak.
I think you need to back up and write something shorter, and practice adding zing to your sentences. Don't lose heart, and keep on writing, but practice it more as a craft and less as an exercise. We'll be here cheering for you. I am sending along some gift points to encourage your efforts.
Great start! Your characterization of Ellen was very real and believable. The characterization of Dave seems less consistent, but I can't tell whether that is intentional. It seems odd to start with a slump replaced the broadness of his shoulders and ennui had dulled his spirit, which gives one very clear image of a person, and then later have "Can't someone just be content? Can't someone just be happy with their life?" he responded patiently, with a hint of a smile in his voice. A hint of a smile doesn't seem to go with ennui or the rest of the early description. It is almot as if you were going in one direction with his character and then switch to another.
I'll be interested to see where you go with this. There seems a lot of promise in the story line, and you write well. Keep on writing, and let me know when it is done. I've rated it a bit lower to give room to go up when it is complete.
Great story telling. Your writing made it a pleasure to read about an experience that doesn't sound like a pleasure at all. My favorite line was near the beginning, where you wrote But my biggest worry was how Jeremy was going to get my body back down the mountain after I died.
I did notice what seems to be a mistake, where you say "You guys made it through okay?" he asked surprisingly. and I think the word should be surprised.
Great sense of humor, great story telling, totally idiotic decision making about going on with twisted ankle and other injuries. What a combination.
The writing is very good, and I particularly liked the characterization. The dialogue, which can be a real challenge, is well written and believable. The only problem I have, and I am not sure what you could do about it, is that it was a bit too easy to predict the end. I am not sure how much of an issue that is, but I wonder of it would be possible to throw in a red herring or something to lead people astray.
This was both powerful and a little confusing. My difficulty may be partly that if a 45 year old male who has trouble getting into the perspective, but it seems just a bit too vague to quite get it. I want to understand just a bit more, and need a few more clues to really understand the woman's meditation. I think I understand, but... I'm just not sure.
Keep on writing, and editing, as I think you have something powerful here, but it needs just a bit more.
A good story! I enjoyed reading it, although it left me wanting to know more about what happened next. I guess it is good to leave your audience wanting more.
There were a few technical/stylistic issues I found that you might want to look at, since you asked for a review. None of these detract too much, but they do slow things down a bit.
The line Lars could not remember to avoid making that loud noise with the chair. sounds awkward. Perhaps you could use something like Lars always forgot about the chair., but maybe you can come up with something better.
The whole paragraph starting with Rapture. Lars developed a melody is great! It really works and flows well.
You slip up with the tense a bit. You have but it just escapes him why they couldn't write songs. and it should be but it just escaped him why they couldn't write songs. to match the tense of the rest of the story.
This is a purely American perspective, but while use of kilometers or LRT just feel like local color and were appealing, the term jeepney is not just unknown, but wrong sounding. Not that you have to write to American standards or tastes, but just so you know what my reaction was.
The use of baby by Catherine was grating - it may have been meant that way, so this is an observation, not a complaint.
The , but I couldn't tell just from your white polo, your black pants, and your guitar. sounded really stilted. It is hard to believe anybody ould talk that way, especially not an intriguing girl with black hair and streaks of deep, deep red. She had to be able to say something more interesting.
I hope the comments help, but in any case, it was an excellent story, and I'll wtch for more.
I really like the energy and imagery in this poem, as well as the implicit contrast between the serene title and the actual scene. The use of language is very good as well, with effective phrasing such as Brackish water turns
into raging white. I particularly like the part that says The forest teems with
creatures that could use
a peaceful night
The only minor wording change I would suggest is in your line where it says surveying the leaves-strewn, and I think it would sound better to say surveying the leaf-strewn, as it didn't quite work for me either spoken out loud or read, but that is just a matter of opinion.
Since this is an assignment for youy, I'm going to give some general feedback first and then get really, really nitpicky. I don't mean it as a criticism, just as a way to help you before you turn this in.
To start with, the writing is quite good. Your examples are fairly clear and to the point, your writing style is accessible. There are a number of technical issues, but little structural or substanative that I see wrong. With that in mind, here are a bunch of nit picky comments which should help you clean this up before handing it in.
Paragraph 1 - In America, Liberty and freedom is linked...
- The Liberty should be lower case, as that is how you use it later.
- The is should be are because liberty and freedom make a plural.
Paragraph 1 - Unfortunately, Americans' liberty is often injured at the hands' of its government...
- The apostrophe on hands' is completely wrong and should be removed.
- The apostrophe on Americans' is very awkward. I'd change the whole sentence to something such as Paragraph 1 - Unfortunately, liberty is often injured at the hands of the American government or something in that vein.
Paragraph 1 - ...such as thorough incidents of eminent domain, or tainted tax bracket standards.
- The word thorough should be {through.
- The word incidents is not well used, and would be better as acts.
- While technically correct this way, I'd add the words use of before tainted tax bracket to make or use of tainted tax bracket standards., as that sounds more coherent.
Paragraph 1 - Still, one needn't align to the Libertarian movement...
- The to should be with.
Paragraph 1 - Furthermore, supporting the libertarian party may actually cause a great loss of freedom.
- The libertarian party is a proper name, so should be Libertarian Party, or should be changed to the libertarian philosophy or something similar.
- The a great loss of would probably be better as a loss of, because otherwise you sound too subjective.
Paragraph 2 - ...how our uncaring, gluttonous, criminal-like government operates.
- The word criminal-like does not sound good. I'd look for a better word choice.
Paragraph 3 - She asserts that while America greedily
- Because you are at the beginning of a new paragraph, replace She with Harris to clarify and remind us who you mean.
Paragraph 3 - ...CEO's of the companies Americans purchase 'stuff' from...
- Just remove the quoted 'stuff' as it sound stronger to just say companies Americans purchase from.
Paragraph 4 - Absolutely, these lurid activities,
- The word lurid seems inappropriate to the context. Look for a better word.
Paragraph 6 - ...especially effective and docile way
- The word docile is out of place here. I am not sure whether you are looking for something like passive or more like facile, but docile isn't it.
Paragraph 7 - ...really do have our "best intentions" in mind.
- You should replace "best intentions" with "best interests".
Best of luck with this - it is well written and when fixed should be really strong.
You tell this story quite well, and while it is a little moralistic, it at least does a good job of being moralistic. I think I would have preferred to see some intermediate stops on the way to the Kingdom of True Love to signify the difficulties, rather than just hearing After growing very weary and getting lost many times along the way. In what ways did Belief, Desire and Courage help her out. I think you could make the story more compelling by drawing some lessons there.
Anyway, a good story, and I enjoyed it. I'd like to know if you do extend it any more.
Very enjoyable, and yes, it does make me hungry. I think this would be popular with children as well. I am surprised, because I didn't know anybody ate bacon on pizza, but different people have different tastes, I guess.
It seems a bit odd that you use commas appropriately some places but not others. Should the first line be Pizza, Pizza, gooey and hot, for example?
Good work, definitely above average. Keep on writing!
Very powerful story. You did a good job describing the emotions the author is going through, and your language is effective. I also like the way the points of view of the two characters are shown and contrasted.
If I had one general suggestion, it would be to try to tell less and show more. At times, the writing felt a little wordy - which meant I was leaving the story and seeing the writing.
Good work, and I look forward to seeing what else you write. Write on!
I fully agree with the sentiment that "Life Rocks". I'm a little less sure about the wording of the poem in some parts. I like the first stanza, which lays out the premise. I have no idea what it fills in josh means, which pretty much stopped me short on the second stanza. I like the third stanza, although the transition between the general, optimisitic tone of the first two stanzas and the far more specific tone of the third stanza is somewhat abrupt. If the first were general, the second were a bit more specific and then you came to this third stanza, it would flow better, and the point of them poem might be more evident and stronger. The fouth stanza works pretty well after the third, and really sums up the point well.
The poem is quite interesting. I particularly like the lines A gentle touch, which leaves a welt. and Every thought a broken bone. and A mind that's broken. Now insane.. Very powerful words.
As to your punctuation, it is a bit tricky with poetry, but I would take the periods off the first three lines of the first and second stanzas, leaving just the final period on the fourth line of each. In the last stanza, I'd take the period off the first line, leave it on the second, leave the comma on the third, and put a semi-colon in after Her truth revealed. Try that and see how it looks.
Good work. Keep on writing! I sent along a small encouragement.
Terrific! I really enjoyed this story. There were times I laughed out lod, such as the part where the title is explained (I don't want to give anything else away).
You character is funny and believable, and the trials and travails were marvelous. Keep up the writing, this was very good!
Very nice! I like your poem, and think it expresses your feelings well.
While most of the rhythm and wording work, there are three places where I think you could tighten this up a bit and make it stronger and more assertive, while also improving the rhythm.
When I read the second stanza out loud (which I always do with poetry), the last line Yet you make that disappear. reads better if you skip the initial word and just use You make that disappear. . It also makes the sentence stronger and more sure of itself.
In the second to last stanza, which starts with Of all the things within my life, the last line doesn't flow quite right. Similarly, I think it reads better and is stronger if you skip the initial And and just use I shouldn't have before!
Finally, in the last stanza, the second line reads better and is stronger if you skip the initial But and just use With you it all seems clear.
Good work, and keep on writing! Just don't be worried about being a bit more assertive amd not qualifying things too much. I included a small encouragement.
Very nice! It made me smile. I would not change the Ls to Ws, as I think it would go a bit overboard and make it harder to read. You do a very good job already of giving a sense of the child's voice.
One suggestion is that in the line But now that we're four,, it might sound better and rhyme slightly better to say But now that we are four,, but it is just a minor point. Very good work!
That is wonderful! I have just been writing some of these abcedarius poems myself today, and it is a challenge to get a flow and still be as clever as you have been. I especially like the Merriam's responsible! verse and the one following it starting with Quarrelsome and quintessential.
Keep on writing these great and silly poems!
If you would like to take a look at my attempts, they are:
Very nice! I liked the poem and the sentiment, and will look for other poems you write. I think the line Making sure my love pours out over their means. could use a little work, as it didn't flow as well as the rest, but generally, a very enjoyable piece.
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