Hello!  I was looking for a dystopian story to read for a challenge and stumbled across your portfolio. I might as well say that I am a huge science fiction fan, which extends to dystopian novels. I have read the majority of classics in the subgenre, which I only mention because it might flavor my views of your work. I have read so much that it may take something highly unique to thrill me. So, take the review for what it's worth. 
Plot
Well, I thought it was obvious at every turn, to be honest. From the first mention of the Leader as a partner, I assumed that homosexuality would be forced upon people or at the very least would be the norm. I have read many stories over the years that use the same plot device. The Forever War comes to mind, as I reread it just a year ago. To control population levels, people were rewarded for homosexuality until, at last, only a miniscule minority were heterosexual. It is just one example (and a minor detail in that novel), and I only use it to illustrate why this may seem obvious to me. I cannot say that it would be obvious for the average reader though.
From the moment he pulled the woman from the man in the flashback, I knew exactly how the plot would run. There was just no doubt in my mind. It is a classic part of dystopian fiction-- once someone sees the forbidden, even that totally-loyal good soldier, he will stray. Predictable but still fairly enjoyable. Depending on your intended audience, you may want to be more subtle. If you want hardcore scifi lovers to be hooked, unfolding the story this way will not do it. If you want to entrance the average reader who may have limited genre knowledge, I think that it is fine as it is.
Character(s)
I don't feel like I got to know the protagonist super well, even for a short story's standards. This is a plot-based story rather than character-based, or at least, it seems that way to me. In the end, I didn't really care what happened to him. For a dystopia to really have power, it helps for a reader to worry about the fate of the main characters.
Consistency
The time line for the beginning, flashback within flashback, got very muddy for me. I had to look over the entire intro when I got to the "It seems so long ago he'd told me" section. If the entire story is in past tense, and then parts of the story happen in different times further into the past, it needs to be handled very delicately. I think a little revision for the transitions could improve readability.
Style
The constant 'her' drove me a little nuts. Particularly as it was inconsistent. First, I thought that 'her' was used only in place of her name rather than possessive:
"Arriving at 'her' cell I found her equally chained to the wall"
Clearly, that is not the case, as "'her' cell" is possessive, and "her" would be used in place of the name. This switches back and forth throughout with no rules that I can see. As a writing device, I did not enjoy it or find it particularly effective. Perhaps for a shorter piece of writing, but for the length, having 'Her' used everywhere for a main character increased your pronoun usage and didn't boost the inferiority effect.
I would consider, rather than using a possessive, to use a noun in place of the name. It would make the read much easier. So, "Woman" or "It" instead of 'her'... or just give her a nickname early on, unflattering as you see fit. Just my two cents here, but I think anything would be better than 'her'.
Effect
I don't regret reading the story. It is fairly entertaining I think. It could use some revision and a very thorough grammar edit. It also has some room for improvement where readability and clarity are concerned. As a rough draft, I think it's decent (hence the average star rating), and with some polish, it could be quite good. In particular, I might focus on characterization if you decide to revise.  Congrats on placing in the contest, by the way!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I am very sensitive to repetition, and this did not work for me at all. There is nothing nice about the sound of "this is the this is the this is the this is the this is the"-- it becomes a nonsensical lisp after a while. The way most would handle this would probably be to use it once:
In general though, it is quite effective to open with questions and then answer them. You did that, either directly or indirectly, for each question.
It isn't saved and didn't show up in my list of reviews. Thoroughly annoying, to say the least. So... I'll see if I can sort of summarize what I said before.