Hi. I was just browsing the items list from those online and came upon this one. You are a gifted writer, you know? Your use of an interactive dialogue to display a rare idea of someone climbing and jumping on walls only to do a headstand was really hilarious!
A few suggestions:
He tore his gaze away from it's dispassionate end ... remove the apostrophe from the "it's".
Make "olive skinned" a hyphenated word. So is "back flipped".
You did a great job of the cramp prompt and spun an easy-going, believable tale. I was a bit miffed since the point-of-view kept shifting from humans to snake and back to humans. This sort of took out the top rating that I would have otherwise given. Your use of the green colour for the entire item was inspirational!
Wonderful. In one word, it sums up your idea and its execution, both. You have written a flawless cramp item, although Writer's cramp permits grammatical errors as well. Congratulations on winning the first prize!
! What a nice story on the pirates theme. I hope you win the prize as the story is really humorous. I liked the way you described both the pirates and their antics. However, I personally felt that the story was not strictly following the prompt. Weren't we supposed to write on pirates? And, don't pirates still exist (inthe flesh) in the US Department of Treasury and Internal Revenue??
This is a good take on the prompt! I admire your touch with reality and your final denouement on the life of the modern-day pirate. They say that money never is free, and one has to work hard to earn it, whether legitimately or illegally, and your 99-words endorse this fact all too clearly.
It was indeed a devilish turn of the prompt that made you write this wonderful item for the Writer's cramp! I wonder if you created a blank blue screen in your port just so that it showed up in your story. If so, I congratulate you on showing such inventiveness! I found the story well-written and with hardly any mistakes, although the cramp overlooks errors of grammar and such.
Congratulations on winning first place in the 99-word challenge! Your item is very tasteful, shorn of rhetoric and meets the requirements of the prompt very well. your sentence about spiritual rolls was fantastic. Thanks once again for a nice item.
Did you know that RN in the West means a "registered nurse"? . Welcome to writing.com, and I hope that you have an equally enjoyable stay here as I have been having for over five years. It appears that you too are an Indian. In that case, a double welcome to you.
About your story. It reads more like a school report. The tension and drama of such a dramatic tale are missing. I could not feel any sympathy for the victims, and likewise, any anger for the "master". Try and tell the story like a story. Include emotions within dialogue. I am not interested in knowing the names of all the five friends. Rather, it may be more interesting to know a little more about Mallika's interaction with the narrator.
Do revert to me after you have revised the tale, and I will be happy to re-read/re-review it.
This was a truly heartwarming story. I am so sorry that God had to take him away. May His soul rest in ?Eternal Peace.
On the merits of the story, you have so succinctly laid out his best qualities in the tale. I doubt if I could do that if there came upon me a need to eulogise someone.
Good writing. Keep it up.
P.S. Do correct the spelling of "everyday" at one place where the "Y" has got dropped inadvertently.
Hello, and welcome to writing.com, the largest site for writers and readers on the net. I just read your story. It is a well-imagined take on vampires. I only hope that the next time you get a chance to edit, please run this through a spell check and rectify all the wrong spellings. The word bartender is a single word. There are, in addition, several errors of grammar and syntax that need your attention.
The point of conflict and the resolution of the same were very nicely done. In the final sentence, the tense suddenly changed from past to present. I point this out to you so that you take the time to alter the construction of the sentence, as also other similar sentences with mixed tenses.
Another thing: the story of vampires is an old one with some stated rules and general form of behaviour. You seem to forget that once a vampire sucks the blood of a victim, that victim, in turn, becomes one of their own: thus, logically, there should have been several more vampires in the town.
I also did not understand why you mentioned that Khwaja had not seen a full moon in a long time. How did he then come to the pub to drink? With his eyes blindfolded?
Lastly, the dialogue is quite silly at some points. Do try and redefine it . For example, the line >>Your death could be more painful then the limits of the word pain itself<< sounds like a cheap dialogue from a second grade Bollywood movie.
Thank you for a delightful insight into the mind of a thinker - you. I am envious of your ability to write such profound thoughts in an essay of this nature on a public writing site and making it available for general consumption to simple mortals like us!
Your references are impeccable too, and I am raring to go out there in cyberspace and check them out, except that those aren't cyber links.
Coming to your essay in particular, I rather liked your way of showing that science, in fact, in itself demonstrates the possible existence of the supernatural.
Thanks again for writing this. It appears that you have not just the gift of writing well, but also of penning good poetry! I enjoyed your allusions to metaphor throughout the poem.
In particular, I liked your differentiating evil, the sneaky devil from the all-manifested malevolence. Your descriptions there were also very vivid and believable.
Sometimes, they say, that form destroys rhythm and meaning. A poet may, if he/she thinks too much about one aspect of a poem, fail in another. Fortunately, though, this did not happen with this poem. While you went about inserting dual and triple rhymes within each of the many lines in this poem, the rhythm and the syntax remained intact and mellifluous. There was little danger of the reader getting lost if he/she tried to read the poem fast (as you warned us not to do).
Thanks for sharing this rhyme with us. God Bless, and take care.
While we will all, as a team, get into the editing aspects later on, I can tell you this: this is a good story and is likely to be selected (if everyone agrees). I want you to provide a link to our team and to the PWW item of Kiya at the bottom of the item.
Congratulations on being the first to put up an item from our team!
Let me, at the outset, apologise for not having reverted to you much earlier. It was the pressure of time. Also, as a team leader of Team India, I wanted to evaluate your writing before admitting you to our group. Having read this item, I can say that while your idea and content are interesting, your syntax and grammar are wanting. You need to, for example, understand the difference between the reflexive pronoun "myself" and the personal pronoun "I" while formatting sentences ending in the narrator's participation.
Here is an example: *Every body had already assembled in the hall. My mother, my grandma, my sister, Prem uncle, Bhanu uncle and myself were there.*
This is better written as:
*Everybody had already assembled in the hall - my mother, sister, Premuncle, Bhanuuncle and I (were there)."
Besides this, I found a couple of spelling errors, none too serious, and a few more instances of construction mistakes that can be improved upon.
You have mentioned 0845 as the time. When one narrates, one says "fifteen minutes to nine O' clock" rather than 0845. I am sure you agree with me.
I wish you all the luck. I am adding you to our India team, but I hope to see this work improved. Welcome aboard!
I think that you are perhaps the most humble and yet gifted author on Writing.com. This particular item lists five of your closest relatives and ends by saying that although they were all common citizens of the US, they were, in many ways, uncommon heroes! I have always maintained that heroism is not that uncommon. In my medical practice, I come across hundreds of parents of disabled, retarded and differently enabled children who continue to smile and live courageously in society despite inordinate claims - financial, social as well as emotional - on their resources.
Your listing of all the family-centred items is also a great thing, as I intend to visit most of these items through the coming months.
May God rest the souls of the Departed in peace. And may He bless you and your large family in the years to come.
Hi! My name is Taher and I came to this item through Sonali's mail to me a few days ago. I learned that you had gifted her a basic membership for three months, which is a great bit of news! I never knew you had so much work going on in your port - and that you have acknowledged several talented writers on the site ....
(...er ... except one we both know?)
Hmm ... here goes:
Title, rating, genre and brief description:
While I have no real criticism of your item, I must point out that the genres listed here need to be revised. You should include "Writing.com" as one of the genres, as also "Friendship".
The first few lines:
I guess your first line should have "in" replaced by "on". Other than that, as this is mainly an informational item, I think it's done well for itself!
The main body of the essay/article:
I think you have made a good collection of the various subheads under the main item. The layout, the colours and the overall visual appearance is very appealing. Kudos for a very good use of WritingML.
The ending lines and the overall impact of this essay/article:
Not applicable.
Language, grammar, spellings and syntax (in short, the creative merit of the article:
No issue here as this item is not meant to showcase your talent as a writer, but your work on this site.
Things I have liked:
Everything. Period.
Concluding remarks:
A very interesting item that shows other members all that you have done on this site. My esteem for you has risen after going through the item.
This is a very interesting poem. I enjoyed reading it aloud to my daughter and she enjoyed it too. I think the rhythm is good, as is the cadence and the song-like quality that the poem evokes.
I wish you all the best in getting this tickle - i mean, poem published!
I finally got around to reading this story! It was in my favourites folder for the past two years, and what kept me from reading it was its sheer size! Now that I have read it, I think it is a masterpiece. I have not rated it a 5.0 as I want you to look at it again and rectify the several small errors that have crept into the text. But I tell you, this story gave me the heebie-jeebies!
Hi! My name is Taher and I came to this essay/article through a search for authors with interesting portfolios. You have been on this site a lot before I joined, and I think you might be ready perhaps for an upgrade now. However, who am I to say what you really want to do with your membership?
May I ask you to please bear with me as I read this essay properly?
Hmm ... here goes:
Title, rating, genre and brief description:
The title and the brief description look almost identical. It might have helped if you had spiced up the description into some positive statement, or instead, added an element of secrecy into the title. The genres seem correct. I wonder why you did not rate this item a "E". I could not see anything offensive in it.
The first few lines:
Not counting the italicised lines at the top, I think your start was good. You might be surprised to know that many authors, including yours truly, discovered stories.com in much the same way as you did - accidentally while searching for writing sites on the net.
The main body of the essay/article:
You have indeed made out a strong case for the generosity of this website and the features that free members can access and enjoy. Truly, wdc is a really enriching experience for newbies, older authors and almost everyone including guests. It is always possible for free members to keep an item for a few months, and then take it off and put up a new one to get opinions and reviews on it. In this way, by recyling your writings, you can get the best out of this website.
I totally agree with you that the best advantage of wdc is in getting exposed to so many good people and befriending them for life. Also, reading and reviewing others' work makes one a better author too.
The ending lines and the overall impact of this essay/article:
This was a positive. I liked it.
Language, grammar, spellings and syntax (in short, the creative merit of the article:
Not many errors. I detected an extra apostrophe in the very first italicised line.
Things I have liked:
I liked your sincere posturing, your balanced view and your error-free writing (almost!).
What a lovely page! Madam, you really go all the way to spice up your group. This is so beautiful. I want to see my name there and will work hard to do so ... Thank you for accepting me into the group. Er... how do you create those awardicons??
Honestly, I don't know what to say! You are so meticulous and informative without being didactic. This FAQ has been one of the better FAQ's I have ever come across in my entire internet experience. It helps that you have a wonderful layout, lovely colour schemes and short, to the point answers. Please congratulate Amalea for the layout, but part of the credit DOES go to you too!
Hi! I am Taher and I came to your item as I sat browsing the ports of my team-mates at PWW.
Title, rating and brief description:
I have no issues with any of the above things. Surely, this is a very creative item and I, for one, had never thought it could be described in quite so many words that you have done, and that too, in a comical vein. Hats off to you for such a nice poem in your port.
Contents of this item:
Your rather graphic description of a yawn had me imagining it before my eyes as I read the poem. Legs joining in - wow! What a stupendous yawn that must have been! I was only wondering one thing: why late eve? Why not still later than that? LOL. Don't you yawn now as you read my review though, or I will come and flagellate you! Ha ha.
Beginning and Ending lines:
Very dramatic, simple yet flowing lines throughout the poem, from the first line to the last. Very evocative too.
Flow and rhythm:
Excellent rhythm, and I must say the poem flowed nicely all through.
Format, spacing, indenting, etc.:
No issues here. I could not find any typos or forgotten symbols sitting there and doing nothing. Like this 1/2 parenthesis: {
Grammar and composition:
Just a couple of things. Unstifled is not a hyphenated word. And a yawn does not have any roaring noise; it's more like a loud aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
What things I liked:
I liked the choice of the topic. I liked the short sentences and the two-line stanzas. I liked your simple language and your imagery.
What things I did not like:
Nothing, really, except for what I have already pointed out above.
This was a very touching poem. You have been an observant daughter, describing the last moments of a life lived fully and yet dying in pain. Your agony as well as the bittersweet parting are captured very eloquently.
Take care and God Bless you.
-drtaher
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! What a nice story on the pirates theme. I hope you win the prize as the story is really humorous. I liked the way you described both the pirates and their antics. However, I personally felt that the story was not strictly following the prompt. Weren't we supposed to write on pirates? And, don't pirates still exist (inthe flesh) in the US Department of Treasury and Internal Revenue?? 
