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562 Public Reviews Given
612 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I generally give an overview of the item, then point out any corrections, suggestions or highlight favourite lines. I am a captain of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. See my reviews below for examples.
I'm good at...
Proofreading and catching typos, spelling mistakes and incorrect grammar.
Favorite Genres
Romance, fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Poetry.
Public Reviews
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76
76
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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This review is part of the gift basket that Elle Author Icon bought for you from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. with the message 'Thanks for bidding on my item in the "P.E.N.C.I.L." Open in new Window. auction.'


Hi there,
I chose this item to review because I was intrigued by the title. Surely all of us have come across this situation before, especially those of us who review for groups and have to fulfill orders.

I was intrigued that you chose to focus on a piece that the reviewer found personally distateful, rather than an item so poorly written that it was off-putting. To be honest, I have more trouble with the latter than the former. It's a case of struggling to find positive comments sometimes.

Your advice at the bottom of this item is excellent. It shows the reviewer a way to break down the item into its parts and focus on them separately. The writing, the characters, the plot, originality and creativity, and your personal opinion. I agree, wholeheartedly, that personal opinion should be part of a review, but only part, not the whole thing.

For me, the biggest thing missing from this is the damage a poor review can do to the author. It's not about the reviewer's reputation (although you were absolutely right with your comments regarding this), a poor review based solely on the reviewer's personal tastes, and not taking into consideration any writing skill on the author's part, can put an author off this site, and can put them off writing altogether. That might sound overly dramatic, but it's true. Especially if they are a newbie, have a small portfolio or get more than one review like it. How can they learn from your review when you haven't focused on their writing, just on the subject matter?

This item needs a little proofreading, mostly for rogue capital letters.
The second thing you could do is say, “This is a piece of Crap! How could you write This? I expected Better!” and you give the item a one star.
Crap, This and Better don't need capitals in this context. There were a couple of other instances of rogue capitals as well.

There were a couple of sentences that didn't seem to fit with the whole idea that the reviewer is so disgusted by the subject matter that they are inclined to give a one star review.
You want to stop, but you are glued to the whole thing.
Besides, perhaps this is your first step into an area you might want to try writing about in the future.
I felt you could probably take out those sentences without detracting from your item.

That boosts your assertiveness, and makes you feel better about the need to squirt liquid soap into your ear and scrub out your brain.
This sentence annoyed me a little, but maybe it's because I so strongly disagree with giving a one star review on this basis! *Laugh* Does giving a one star review boost your assertiveness? Surely not. Well, maybe for some people. I'm not saying you're wrong to have this in there, just that it caught my attention. The more I think about it, the more it seems like actually it should stay there. Why else do people react like that? There must be a reason, huh?

As for the second one, your Reviewing Reputation could be severely tarnished, as the guy could go around telling people about your cruddy review and show them it, and next thing you know, your email is flooded with “How could you?”s and many others have Blocked you from seeing their items.
This is quite a long, awkward sentence, and I think if you broke it up and reworded it slightly, it would work a little better. Maybe something like:
As for the second one, your reviewing reputation could be severely tarnished. The author could show people your cruddy review, and the next thing you know, your email is flooded with angry messages and people are blocking you from seeing their items.
That's just an example of course, but have a play with it and see if you find a way of rewording it that works well for you.

That might be tricky, as you might still feel the need to squirt liquid soap into your ear and scrub out your brain.
I did like the imagery of squirting liquid soap in one's ear, and while I didn't like it so much with the 'boosting your assertiveness' comment, that was more because of the context. It works well here to add a little humour. *Smile*

Overall, I think this is something every reviewer should read, because many of us run into this situation on this site. Some of us have the option of moving on to another item, and some of us don't. All of us can benefit from the tips at the bottom though, about looking at an item in terms of the various parts as well as the whole.

Thanks for sharing this,
Elle

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77
77
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi Christina,
It's quite startling to realise that the big meeting is just three days away. It feels like the story is starting to pick up pace now. I'm excited! *Smile*

I quite like the quick exchange of emails in this chapter. Although they are included in their entirety without being broken up by action as I have recommended in previous reviews, their short length allows you to get away with it, and the back-and-forth of the emails gives us both perspectives in quick succession, like a modern-day twist on dialogue. *Smile*

I would strongly suggest that you remove the header of the dating company from all emails, and I wouldn't include the ones that say that that they have progressed to open communication. These don't add anything to the story, and detract from the communication between the two main characters. I had trouble working out which parts the characters had written, and which parts were automatically generated.

Ohhh my God!!!
Ohhh Meu Deus!!!
Ohhh Mon Dieu!!!
She wasn't really making any sense...Oh my God...then; she finally made some sense and screamed: 3 DAYS!!!
He is coming in 3 DAYS! She was delighted! She was so pleased! She was so in love!
Ohhh my God, I must call Amparo, she thought, she will help me clean the apartment and cook food, fill the freezer up with food. She thought of going to the local supermarket that she loved so much and getting things that he said he liked and that she had kept in a corner of her mind. He liked Italian bread, he liked chicken, he liked cheese and he liked to have lunch. How could someone skip lunch? She loved lunch! Ohhh my God, she thought, Ohhh my God...He was really coming to see her.
Ohhh my God...
Ohhh my God...
Ohhh...my
God!!!
Ha ha, excited much? *Laugh* This excitement is written as if the author is excited, rather than the character. If you decide to revise this into a memoir as we have discussed, this sort of writing would work well in first person point of view, but for a romance novel, we need to see that the character is excited, rather than the author. Write the screams as speech, using speech marks and dialogue tags. Also, the less exclamation marks you can use, the better. Here's an example of how it might work a little better:
"Ohhh my God," wailed Christina. She shot off her seat, knocking it backwards. "Ohh meu Deus." Her hands covered her face as she tried desperately to control her breathing. "Three days?" Her voice echoed in the empty apartment, and she agreed that it was certainly worth repeating. He would be in here in just three days. She squealed and spun on the spot, arms flying out in an impromptu dance of joy. She sat down at the computer again, only to leap back up with a gasp. Three days. There was so much to do.

The part about what makes aeroplanes fly stumped me a little, I must admit. It was only at the very end that I realised that you were trying to portray that the character's mind was racing a mile a minute over silly inconsequential trivia as she waited impatiently. Before I got to that last sentence, I was trying to figure out why on earth I was getting a lesson in aerodynamics in the middle of a romance novel! *Laugh* My first suggestion would be to make a note before the musing, letting the reader know why Christina is thinking about aerodynamics. Secondly, consider what this adds to the romance between Christina and Butchie, and what it adds to the novel. Do we need it? If yes, leave it in. If not, take it out.

I am sure the meeting is just around the corner, and my interest is high. You have done a great job of building the suspense. I'm off to read more!

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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78
78
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hi Christina,
I'm back for another chapter. *Smile*

You have lived the most extraordinary life. You met Frank Sinatra, dated a Russian prince and slept in Brigitte Bardot's bed! *Shock*

This chapter is jam packed full of information. You've called it 'Christina's Walk of Life (and all the perils, confusions and magic she went through...)' and while that's an apt description, it seems like enough information for a whole book, rather than one chapter.

This chapter encompasses your marriage, the birth of your daughters and your divorce... If you were marketing this as a memoir (something I have recommended several times, as it is truly written in the style of a memoir rather than a romance novel), I would strongly suggest that each of these events be given at least one chapter of their own. These are major life events that shaped, and yes, continue to shape, the way you see and interact with the world.

Even for a romance novel, a past relationship like your marriage is a big influence on how you react to the current man in your life, and what you expect and need from him. If you've been cheated on, you might be more cautious, less trusting... We see this a lot in romance novels. If he had control over the finances and mismanaged them, then there would be a desire for independence and self-control. So the past relationship is important. But for this romance novel (and I must continue to review it as such), this chapter doesn't move Christina and Butchie's relationship forward. It is a really long letter from Christina to Butchie, and I am pleased that it is not Christina directly addressing the reader as we have seen in past chapters, but there is nothing of Butchie in it. There's no mention of him except that the letter is addressed to him, and you sign off with 'So here it is, Butchie, the last part of my life story.' There's nothing in the chapter that makes me feel like you were writing to Butchie.

Does a Prince charming really exist or it is an urban legend and a myth?

What makes you inspire your greatness? What would you do to showcase your talent? Starting over again doesn't announce failure. It is an opportunity to find a new direction. Do what you love and love what you do, even if it's simple and unimportant to others. Follow your insights. It can be a time to discover passions or pursue a dream.

These don't feel like questions from Christina to Butchie, they feel like questions from the author to the reader.

I am not trying to be negative. You have some amazing stories to tell, and truly, I think people will want to read them. And some of what you have written is excellent, but it's not a romance novel. So I suggest, again, that you include Butchie's reactions to the letter through the chapter, and indeed, possibly even extend it to be multiple chapters. What does Butchie think as he reads of Enio? Is he jealous? Does he laugh when he reads of Christina meeting Frank Sinatra? How does he react to the story of Christina's marriage?

All of the story is told by the character in past tense. The reader is hearing all of it second hand. Give us some current action, something to see, hear, feel, smell and taste. Now. Not the tastes and smells of Christina's wedding cake, but the tastes and smells of the coffee Butchie drinks as he reads her email or the apple Christina crunches on as she ponders what line to write next. Does she write a line, then delete it for fear of sharing something that will put him off? Does she have music playing in the background that suddenly reminds her of another thing she forgot to mention?

Let us be there to witness the relationship changing between Christina and Butchie.

Just another quick note - read your dialogue aloud to check that it sounds natural. Would the grandfather say 'I want YOU to have it and not my 8 sons or even Gloria.'? He knows he has 8 sons, as does Christina, is it realistic that he would mention it? Is it realistic that Christinas would say 'You had it made many years ago, on your 50th birthday. It's precious. Gold and diamonds, handmade.' He knows what it looks like, what it's made from, why would she describe to him? Read the sentences aloud, perhaps even with another person to play a part, and see if it sounds natural.

Truly, you have had some remarkable adventures. *Smile* I hope all of this helps you to take this amazing story and make it more enjoyable for your audience.


*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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79
79
Review of The Last Geisha  Open in new Window.
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there,
I am reviewing this story as a student in the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

General Comments & Reader Reaction:
You chose a scene of great turmoil and tragedy, and gave it a sense of peace and honour. Part of me feels that a little more hysterical screaming would be more realistic if one's family and indeed one's entire village were wiped out *Smile*, but I actually liked the way you dealt with the scene. I could picture the destruction, and feel how difficult it must be to see such horrific sights, and yet you finished with respect and a faint sense of hope.

Setting & Imagery:
You do an excellent job of painting the scene. We see logs that are broken like toothpicks, tattered remains of painted panels, flattened buildings, rubble... All of those things help paint a picture for the reader and allow us to visualise the scenes in our mind. Truthfully, I think this was the strongest aspect of your story, because I was able to picture it all so clearly that I felt like I was there. Imagery is something I really struggle with in my own work, so I know how hard it is. You have done a great job here.

Writing Style & Grammar:
Generally speaking, your grammar is correct, but your punctuation needs work. There are a lot of places where commas are missing, or are in the wrong place. I'll point out a few, as an example. If you struggle to fix up the rest, let me know, and I'll be happy to be more specific on this.
Click here to see specific examples. ▼

There are a few places where you have used capital letters that aren't necessary, such as on 'earthquake', 'village' and 'tailor'. A word only needs a capital if it is a proper noun (a name) or at the beginning of a sentence.

Overall Impression & Conclusion:
The story does need editing to fix the punctuation, and there were one or two small spelling errors, but these are very easy and simple to fix. They're the easiest part of writing. You've done the hard part, the writing, now it's just the polishing. *Smile* I do hope you take the time to polish this up, because it deserves it. I enjoyed reading it, and I know others will too.

Thanks for sharing your work,
Elle

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80
80
Review of Promised Land  Open in new Window.
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
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This is one of the reviews bought with the gift certificate you won for placing third in the "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest" Open in new Window..

Hi Alexi,
I read the first two stanzas of this poem and was drawn in by the beautiful rhythm and flow you had created. The rhyming pattern of a,b,c,c works really well.

The third, fourth and fifth stanzas, you lost the rhyme and I completely lost the rhythm. I would love to see you rework these three stanzas and incorporate the wonderful a,b,c,c rhyming pattern from the first two stanzas.

The last line of the first, second, third and fourth stanzas are questions, and I'd like to see them end with question marks. Just a little touch that will make a big difference, I think.

The only other suggestion is that you use either he or He, but be consistent.
For example:
Just knock on the door of His mansion house
I'm sure he will wecome you in
See, you've used His and he, and either they should both have a capital letter, or neither should. Probably both in this case, as you are referring to God and a capital is customary. Not essential though.

Thanks for sharing your poem. As I said, the rhythm of those first two stanzas is beautiful - just perfect for reading aloud. You almost get caught up in it. I can't wait to see what you do with the rest of it, and I'm happy to come back and rerate if you change it.

Elle

Come and check out "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. next time you're looking to pamper yourself or someone else. Reviews, raffles, images and more!
81
81
Review of Annie  Open in new Window.
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi there,
I am reviewing this item as a student in the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

General Comments & Reader Reaction:
This piece gives a snippet of Annie's life - just a single night. We are drawn into the drama as she cowers in fear beneath her bed covers. I liked that the action focused just on Annie and her dog Buster. I also find it interesting that you never revealed the cause of Annie's fears, but left the reader wondering. Perhaps every reader would imagine their own worst fears. Very clever.
This piece does need a lot of basic editing, but don't worry, that's the easy part. I'll mention a bit more on this under 'Writing Style & Grammar'.

Plot:
The plot was simple, and I think that worked well for this piece. My preference would be to have the story end with Annie waking safe after her ordeal and realising that she can conquer her fears and live through the horrors of the night. What an awesome message to send people. I was surprised by the 'rejuvenation' you wrote of, where her arm was healed - I couldn't see a reason for this, or any warning that this might lie ahead in the story. I was also surprised that Annie died, as it seemed such an abrupt turnaround after surviving the night. Now, my preferences and suggestions are just that, and you should only do what feels right to you. This is your work - only make changes you are comfortable with, and that feel right to you.

Characters:
We don't get to see a lot of the characters, because this is such a short piece, but I do love Buster. Who doesn't love a dog that protects and reassures their human? We don't know a lot about Annie, but despite her fear and her screams, I think she came across as brave. She is clearly a survivor.
It would have been nice to have some more description of them, particularly Buster. Is he a big dog or a small dog?

Setting & Imagery:
You use some excellent words in your description, such as soulful, sullenly, chilling, cheery. These really help set the mood. When you use strong words like this, it definitely adds a boost to your writing.
You do have a number of places in your piece where you flick backwards and forwards between moods and emotions. Here's an example:
She giggled and remembered the time when Buster was a puppy and turned sullenly onto her side.
'Giggled' is a great word for conveying happiness. It is a stark contrast to 'sullenly' which paints a darker mood. Try to avoid switching too often like this, as it unsettles the reader. This piece needs to be full of fear and anxiety right up until Annie wakes up, when we can appreciate the 'cheery' sunshine.
I think the use of the weather to match your character's moods helps in such a short piece. The thunder and lightning add to the tension, and then the sunshine helps to brighten the mood. These are simple tools, and you can certainly 'break the rules' by going the other way with them, but it can be an easy way to add some extra depth to a short piece like this.

Writing Style & Grammar:
I think you need to do a basic grammar check on this piece, either by using a program like Microsoft Word, or if you don't feel confident to spot the errors, then ask someone to go over it with you, sentence by sentence. While a computer program should never be a substitute for basic proofreading, it can sometimes pick up small errors that our eyes can skip over.
There are a number of homonyms used inccorectly in this piece. That means that you have used a word which is pronounced the same, but it means something different. Once example is 'her waste was small'. Waste and waist are pronounced the same, but they mean very different things. In this case, you wanted 'waist'. Another example is 'that bit into her sole'. Sole and soul are pronounced the same, but in this case you needed 'soul'. These won't show on a spell checker, because waste and sole are real words that are spelled correctly, so you need to look for these as you proofread. They might be caught by a grammar check. If you have doubts over whether you've used the right spelling, look up the word in the dictionary (I use an online dictionary which makes life easy) and check the meaning to be sure.

Overall Impression & Conclusion:
You have the start of what could be a great emotional short story. If you work on the basics of grammar and spelling, I'd be happy to come back and take another look and rerate the piece, and maybe see if I can be of any further help in making the most of this piece.

Thank you for sharing your work. I know it can take a lot of courage to do so.

Elle

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82
82
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi Christina,
I'm back for another chapter. *Smile*

I love that you have included lyrics that were written from Butchie to Christina as part of their growing relationship. As a reader, I love finding little poems or lyrics hidden inside stories.

I won't critique the lyrics, because for all that you are writing a 'romance novel', I know this is a true story, and believe the lyrics to be those written by Butchie, not yourself as author.

What would have made this chapter truly outstanding is if you had included some reaction from Christina, or maybe some 'behind the scenes' on the lyrics. It's nice to see from Butchie's perspective that he is sad because she's upset, but it feels like we're only seeing the surface. What was Butchie thinking as he wrote the lyrics? Did he write some lines and then cross them out because they didn't say what he wanted to say? Did he send it off with glee or trepidation? Did he wait impatiently for a reply or nervously? Was he sure of his talent with a pen, or was this his first attempt at lyrics? Was he hoping she'd read between the lines to see how much he loved her, or was this truly a silly thing just to make her laugh because he was in a crazy mood? I wanna know! The reader wants to know!

Alternatively, or even in addition to all of that, you could give us Christina's perspective. How did she feel when she read the lyrics? How did she react? Did she cry? Laugh? Smile? Try to figure out what tune went with them? Did she instantly write back, or leave him waiting in suspense? Was it the first time someone had written her lyrics or poetry or the 100th?

There are no minimum or maximum chapter lengths - the author has full discretion over this. However, 331 words is a very short chapter, and I think there is a lot the reader wants to know, so you could easily extend this chapter without running into any issues with length.

I did like how this chapter focused on Butchie and Christina in the present, and think with just a little tweaking, it could definitely be a chapter that moves the relationship forwards, which is ideal for a romance novel. *Smile*

See you soon for the next chapter!

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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83
83
Review of Dear Me 2014  Open in new Window.
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. that Marci Missing Everyone Author Icon bought with the message: 'The package that you won at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Thank you! *Smile*'

Hi Fran,
I'm so glad you got this completed in time. In truth, I was just being nosy and having a look at what you'd written, but I noticed a few typos so resolved to leave a review.

I LOVE how positive this letter is. It's not enough just about 'Look what we've achieved' but about attitude and perspective. I think mine was more about 'Look what we've achieved' and I think I like yours better!

You take on sooooo much, I don't know how you possibly achieve it all, but I suppose this positive attitude is the key. That, and realising that it doesn't all need to be done at once, but you can take one step at a time towards your goals. I'm all for that. *Smile*

This is a brilliant entry, because at its heart, it is what this contest is all about - motivating YOU. I congratulate you on a job well done.

Here are my nitpicking edit points, just to help you out with the best possible result in the contest:

That moment where the student(s) stops laughing and realises you’re saying something worth listening too.
Too should be to.

That is amazingly exciting and the 12th July 2014 promises to be an incredible day.
The date doesn't work for me in this way. I'd say 'the twelfth of July 2014' or even 'the 12th of July 2014' if you must.

You’re within touching distance of buying you very first home.
You should be your.

You’re a good writer and you enjoy it that should be enough motivation.
You need a comma after it.

Again, great work on this. I am so pleased you got it all written down, regardless of the contest, because it will be good for YOU. But good luck in the contest too!
Elle{

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84
84
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Hi Christina,
I'm back for another chapter! *Smile*

Following on from what I said in my review of the previous chapter, this is a real flashback into Christina's history, before Butchie even comes on the scene. While it tells us a little about Christina and her beliefs, and her attitude to love, it doesn't truly move the relationship/romance between Butchie and Christina forwards.

I have said before, but it's worth repeating - if you market this as a romance novel, which you have done, every chapter must move the relationship forward. If you write it as a memoir, which I would strongly recommend, you can write all this backstory as it happened, rather than flashing back and forth and relating past events from character to another.

With all that said, I'll critique it as you've written it.

She got up from the red, leather armchair and quietly opened the door. The room was dark but pleasant and full of shadows of things around it.
I love the description you use here and further through this paragraph. I'd love to see more of this in your work, so we can picture the scenes. Great work!

She raised an eyebrow softly and looked at her with keen curiosity.

(She had said nothing that she didn't know already...)
Because you are talking about two women, you can't refer to them both simply as she and/or her. It is too confusing for the reader. Which woman is raising an eyebrow? You need to go through this chapter and look for this, as it happens a number of times.

- Hum. You have two Orixás...

- ?
I really like the use of dialogue to move the story along, and wish you had more of it in your earlier chapters. It's a great way to put the reader into the action. However, I struggle to see how someone replied with a question mark. We don't say 'Question mark?' when we're confused. You need to write what was said, or describe the expression on the person's face, or in some way let us know what happened.

- (Picking up the cards from different piles during the conversation...) Hum.
You write all the action in this chapter in parenthesis as if it is some afterthought to the dialogue. I'd love to see this written out properly.
'The woman picked up the piles of cards and spread them in front of her, humming under her breath again before speaking.'

(She was totally goose bumps and in awe...How could she know about all this? My secrets, my life!
You switched between third person and first person here, using she and then my to mean the same person. You must stay in one tense through the whole novel, let alone a single chapter or paragraph.

My suggestion is that if you want to keep this in, as part of the romance novel, it needs to be just the bit about Butchie, not the whole experience from start to finish, and it needs to be related from Christina to Butchie personally. I can picture a lazy discussion in bed, where Christina says "A fortune teller once told me I'd meet you. She told me all sorts of things about you." "Like what?" Butchie asked. "Well, she said..."

I hope this has been of some help!

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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85
85
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there,
I am reviewing "How My Father Fought" Open in new Window. as a student in the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

General Comments & Reader Reaction:
Firstly, congratulations on winning third place in the "Roots & Wings Contest" Open in new Window.. *Smile* Family history is a serious passion of mine, so I am always excited to see someone else taking on the same challenge.

The story you share is both an important part of your father's life (and therefore your family history) and interesting to the average reader. Your first line caught my attention and I wanted answers - which I got.

As a family history enthusiast, I loved that you had actual facts which were woven into your story. You were specific - you gave exact ages, years, occupations, employers and units. Those details are worth more than gold in an item of this type.

I think if you wrote the story in third person, from your father's point of view, rather than first person with you retelling the story, that would make this story so much more powerful. I'll be more specific below, and give you examples of what I mean.

Plot:
This item tells the story of your father's fight to serve his country during World War II. This is a great tale, and definitely one worthy of retelling and recording. It says a lot about your father - about the kind of man he was, what his beliefs were and what he valued. It also gives us a glimpse into your grandfather, the way you've told it.

My preference would be for you to restrict this tale to the fight to serve and the circumstances that directly relate to that. I think you should end with him signing up with the Merchant Marines and heading out to sea. I think the tales of his various tours and his experiences at sea deserve their own stories. They turn this from a focused story with a hard-hitting moral, to an overview.

Setting & Imagery:
You give us hints of the setting, and a little description of the characters, but we could definitely use more.

The “pipsqueak, pencil-necked, cotton-picking idiot” was probably not quite so big.
I loved that line! It is descriptive, but also full of attitude. Perhaps not politically correct, but then, who was in those days?

“Sit,” Dad commanded the ashen man. While the frightened officer shook in his uniform and lab coat, Dad proceeded to change not one, not two, but all four tires on the truck.
Again, you are more descriptive here. We get a glimpse of what the officer is wearing, and the fact that he is 'ashen' uses the old adage of 'show, don't tell' to illustrate that he is frightened without spelling it out for the reader.

I know that it can be really hard to add these details to settings and characters in historical stories like this, but this is where 'poetic license' comes in. In fact, if you Google 'poetic license', you'll find that it's also called 'historical license' for this very reason. Paint a picture for your readers. We know that your dad was a big man - tall and muscled, but I still have lots of questions. What colour was his hair? Did he have any mannerisms? Did he have a mustache? Did he dress neatly or was he unkempt? Was he wearing a uniform for the trucking company or in casual clothes? We know as much about the officer (who appears for just a little more than two paragraphs) as we do about your dad who features from start to finish.

While you will have to make up the details of the scene, do make sure that they fit the historical period you are writing about. What was normal attire for an American working class man at that time? What was a common haircut then? Your dad's mannerisms will be easier, as you can use the ones he had later in life when you knew him.

Writing Style & Grammar:
You did a good job of checking for spelling errors and typos - I found none, and proofreading is a strength of mine!

As I mentioned earlier, I think the first person perspective, with you retelling the story, weakens the story a little. As a comparison, see the difference between these two examples:

I doubt there was much in the way of physical or occupational therapy in the first quarter of the 20th century. According to my dad, my grandfather got creative.

“Sit,” Dad commanded the ashen man. While the frightened officer shook in his uniform and lab coat, Dad proceeded to change not one, not two, but all four tires on the truck.

The second example is far more appealing to the reader. It puts us in the story, allowing us to witness the action. It gives the story drama and pace. The first example adds distance between the reader and the action, and slows down the pace. Speaking both as a reader and as a judge for the "Roots & Wings Contest" Open in new Window., I'd love to see this written out so that the whole story reads like that second example. I think it would be better written in third person, using your dad's name. I just realised I have no idea what your dad's name is. I went back through the whole story, and he's only ever referred to as Dad. We should really know his name. Anyway, just picking a name at random to use as an example, I think the story would be stronger if you wrote in third person, like '"Sit," Richard commanded the ashen man. While the frightened officer shook in his uniform and lab coat, Richard proceeded to change not one, not two, but all four tires on the truck."
The story will definitely be stronger in third person. Because you personally are not in the story, first person places unnecessary distance between the reader and the story.

When he was finished, he turned to the the colonel and said, “How's that for crippled, you stupid sonofabitch?”
This line and the pipsqueak line were my favourite lines, because they were full of attitude and emotion, they showed us exactly how frustrated and angry your father felt, and yes, they amused me. *Smile* They were punchy and grabbed my attention. Having said that, the example above means you should change the rating of your story, as you can't use that particular phrase in an E rated item. That last word alone puts it to a minimum of 13+, but I would guess actually it's 18+. Despite that, I still suggest you retain that line. The contest allows items rated up to 18+ (quite apart from the fact that your story has already been judged and awarded third place!), so I would re-rate it to that level.

Overall Impression & Conclusion:
You have taken a lot of information and given it to us in a way that tells us a lot about the kind of man your father was, and also the attitudes of the society he lived in at that time. Those two things are crucial to a family history item. All of us (and by us I mean genealogists and family history writers) want to share a piece of our family with the world. But sharing a glimpse into society or a country, as it was at a specific point in the past, is of real value to those beyond your family, and makes your story extra interesting.

Your story has a moral, about fighting for what you believe in, and not giving up, yet it delivers that moral in a way that is easy for the reader to digest. It doesn't read like a lecture or a fable, but we get the message nonetheless.

I love the personality and the character that comes through in this piece. I do hope that, despite winning third prize and knowing it is already a good piece, you are able to use some of my comments to improve it and help bring it up to five star quality. This piece is already good, but has the potential to be really powerful. I look forward to seeing what you do with, so please don't hesitate to share it with me if you do any editing, or indeed if you have any questions on what I have said.

I look forward to seeing you around the site, and to seeing more of your work in the contest. *Smile*

Elle

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Review of I am an Echo  Open in new Window.
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Aundria,
I'm here in response to your request for a review. *Smile*

I have seen these 'I Am' poems before, and in fact one of the official WDC newsletters challenged us to write one once. I can't remember what mine was like exactly, but it certainly wasn't as poetically beautiful as this one.

I really really love your repeating line 'I am an echo of thunder and light' and the way you've put that into your title. It's very evocative and has a wonderful sense of poetry, in and of itself.

I wonder if I'll fade away.
This isn't a strong line for me. Echoes always fade away, don't they? To me, this doesn't add a lot.

I love the rest of the first stanza though, especially the last two lines.

I pretend I am confident, I pretend I am proud, yet
I feel vulnerable and small
This looks like it needs a full stop after small, but I like the lines.

I touch the soul, the heart, the mind.
Beautiful.

I worry no one will care.
Aw, that's so sad. *Sad* I tried to find a more emotive way of saying this, a stronger way, but I couldn't, and in the end had to agree that perhaps this short, simplistic line sums it up best.

I cry, all alone, a voice in the crowd
I am an echo of thunder and light.
Fantastic! Does it need a comma or full stop after crowd?

I understand they can see me, yet I am not there.
I wonder if you need 'can' in that sentence. And I would have used 'I'm instead of 'I am', but that's probably just personal preference.

I dream of standing in the glow of the sun and
I try to walk in the light
I hope one day to break out of my prison, but for now
I am an echo of thunder and light
You mentioned that you were unsure of using the word 'light' twice in this stanza. I didn't notice it on my initial read-through, and had to look for it, so it's not a major. You could reverse it and say 'I try to step out of the shadows' or similar.
I think 'I hope one day to break out of my prison, but for now' is too long. I would say 'I hope to one day break free, but for now' or 'I hope to break free one day, but for now'.

I hope I've helped a little, but honestly, I enjoyed it very much as it is, and think you've done an excellent job. I must say again, I really really love the repeating line 'I am an echo of thunder and light'.

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Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi Yellow,
I found this poem through the "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest" Open in new Window..

I hadn't heard about the Michelin Rubber Plantation before (although I've heard of Michelin tyres), nor had I heard that soldiers fighting in and around the area had to avoid damaging the rubber trees. It seems crazy that in a fight for life and death, one needs to be thinking of profit and capitalism. *Sad* That is a very sorry state of affairs indeed.

My personal preference would be for your poem to have punctuation in it, particularly commas where they would be found in a normal sentence, but I am aware that this is only my personal preference and not everyone agrees with me.

I think your poem could use more emotive words. You use 'damage', 'fight', 'hurt', 'soldier' and 'enemy', but it feels like you could have used your words to get your emotion across better. You tell us the story, and show your disapproval, but I feel that perhaps you could have shared your anger (and grief?) more with the reader. What about 'ludicrous', 'horrifying', 'furious' or 'distressing'? How can you share your emotions better with your reader?

My favourite stanza was the fourth one. I agree with your sentiments there - what were the men in charge thinking to make such a ludicrous ruling? And seriously, isn't it hard enough for a soldier on the field of battle, fighting for life and death, without such a handicap as that?

Thanks for sharing your poem, Yellow.

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Review of Oh, dear me!  Open in new Window.
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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This review is a gift from your Secret Santa. Enjoy!'

Gaby, this is a great twist on the Dear Me letter that most of us write for the official WDC January contest. I wish this was eligible! It seems so unfair that it's not.

I think there are a few small details that could be tidied up to make this stronger, but overall it's well written.

On any other day, I would have clicked on a different tab and checked my inbox, but there weren't any new tabs open and the new item I've been working on couldn't be put off any longer.
Opening a new tab is so simple and easy, that I can't see how it is a deterrent. You say 'but there weren't any new tabs open' and it seems irrelevant to your decision. I would just say 'but the new item I'd been working couldn't be put off any longer.'
Also, I think I've should be I'd to maintain the correct tense.

Not to mention, by clicking somewhere else, the project would have been forgotten and I would have closed it before remembering to save it.
I feel like this needs something like 'Knowing me,' to give the impression that you have come to this conclusion from past experience.

Typing in the pass-code on the fancy - which is another word for overpriced - phone, I noticed a new email on Writing.com.
Because you chose to check your email on your phone anyway, it seems that the distraction wasn't the issue, it was the possibility of forgetting to save your work. I think then you should leave out the part about 'the new item I've been working on couldn't be put off any longer' and just go with 'Knowing me, by opening another tab, I'd forget to save my project and lose all the work I'd done so far.' But a part of me wants to know why you don't just save your work in progress before checking your email?? Wouldn't that be the easiest option? Save, then check the email, then come back to the project. Or don't check the email until you've finished. Of course, this is hindsight being 20/20, but these are the questions that were raised in my mind as I read.

The project I worked so hard on, still on my mind as I double checked to make sure it's still present.
This sentence is a little awkward. I would suggest rephrasing it as 'My mind was still on the project I had been working so hard on, so I double checked to make sure it was still present in the other window.'

My eyebrow lifted off its own accord when I realized that the sender's name was mine.
Off should be of.

My To-do list sat right next to me as I scanned it
I would use either capital letters on both To and Do, or on neither, but not on just one.

nor have I seen any changes I proposed.
I would say 'any progress on the changes I proposed'.

In all fairness, you've been pretty lazy no matter the circumstances and I wish to change that..
I think the first paragraph of the email is sympathetic and supportive, and I think it's really well written. But then you finish it with this line, and it doesn't seem to go with the rest of the paragraph. You're basically saying 'Life has been tough and I understand that, but don't give up,' and then turning around and saying 'Actually, you know what, you've been lazy and using all these circumstances as excuses.' It's a real flip in the space of one sentence.

I kept reading, not agreeing with any of the statements made.
I assumed, since you wrote it, that you would agree with all of it, but perhaps not the way it was worded. So the last two years haven't been tough? Your life hasn't been turned upside down? You're not stubborn? I would have expected you to disagree with the tone, or with that last line, but not with all of it.

The last paragraph of the email goes back to being encouraging and supportive, even if it is unapologetic, but in no way does it say anything that could change anything about the way you live or do things. It doesn't tell us what changes the writer of the email wants you to make, or how it wants you to do things differently. It feels like there's a big chunk of the email missing. If there is, then you should allude to it with 'I read all the proposed plans and changes, before moving on to read the last paragraph' or similar.

I am amused that you're more confused by the idea that the email took a year to arrive than that it was sent by you and you had no recollection of ever writing or sending it. *Smirk*

It took me forever to learn how to delete notifications from my email, let alone something as important as this.
I was amused by this wee insight into your psyche - you have trouble deleting emails?

As we both know, neither you nor I have won the Dear Me contest last year, unless you're hiding something from me.
There was no mention of this, nor even the sarcasm you mention, in the original email. Was this in the missing part you forgot to allude to? *Smirk*

Shortly after I wrote you the letter, which you so conveniently misplaced,
What letter? There was a letter from 'me' to 'you' but now 'you' is referring to a letter which 'me' lost. Argh, so confusing! Are you referring to the original Dear Me letter you wrote? In which case YOU were accused of losing it, not the entity which wrote the original email. *Confused*

I loved the rest of your email. Go Gaby!! *Laugh*

After clicking on various items, none of which were the right forum but rather something shiny that distracted me from my task at hand, I found the right one and posted a note with my concerns.
Ha ha, I know that feeling well! *Delight*

With a quickness of lightening striking the ground, I exited out of the program and turned the computer off just to remember that I forgot to save my work in progress I worked so hard on.
Instead of 'a' quickness, I would say 'the' quickness.
I almost groaned aloud in sympathy when I read this line. Oh no! *Facepalm* *Pointleft* the facepalm emoticon was made for that moment!

*Facepalm* I went to bed devastated, the *Smirk* on my face erased.
I love the facepalm emoticon, and as I said, it was made for just this situation. However, I don't like replacing words with emoticons. This is entirely my personal preference, but I'd much rather you replaced the smirk emoticon with the word smirk.

I have to say again, I loved your twist on the idea of a Dear Me letter, and I found this full of your personality and charm. Very amusing and all in all, a fun read. Thanks for sharing!

Elle

PS. If you would like me to come back and re-rate after you've edited, just let me know. This has heaps of potential and I'd love to give it more stars.

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Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Hi Christina,
I'm back with another chapter review for you.

Although you share some of Christina's excitement at Butchie's impending visit with us in this chapter, the vast majority of this is you, the author, talking to the reader.

Despite it all and the unseen horizons of our world, love is a magic word and works miracles. And we, mortal humans forget about this powerful tool. We need to remember this or program an alarm in our watch or cell phone to remind us about this everyday...We can't imagine how lucky we are when someone loves us and Christina was feeling warm and fulfilled.
I've mentioned in previous chapter reviews about you stepping 'out of character' and addressing the reader as the author or as a narrator, rather than us 'watching' Christina. You do this with almost all of this chapter except perhaps the last paragraph. This is you talking to the reader. If these are the character's musings, then they need to be written as such. Something like 'Christina clapped her hands in glee, rereading Butchie's sentence over and over again. He was coming to her. She felt so warm and fulfilled. She truly believed that love was a magic word and works miracles.'

She was both surprised and proud. Meu Deus! He's coming to see me! I've never been the happiest! And she remembered her conclusions about happiness...
You switch from third person to first person and then back again here. You need to stay in one or the other, and the rest of the novel is written in third person other than the email excerpts, so this should all be in third person too.

All of the musings from you, the author, about love, don't move the romance between Butchie and Christina forwards. This is a romance novel, and the majority of this, while important to you as a person, is not relevant to the story. I don't mean that to be harsh, because I understand that these are your opinions and just like anyone's, your opinions are important and valuable, but they don't belong in this chapter. This chapter should show us Christina's reactions to the news that Butchie is going to visit her.

Because of the What Am I To Do question she remembered going, many years before, with her friend Else, to see a big, fat, weird woman in the other side of town, in a place called Sobradinho. She would remember this meeting many years later...and observe the mystifying, intriguing, fascinating, uncovering insights, predictions and coincidences that that long sinister gypsy spiritual consultation had done to her; how all that chiromancy, crystallomancy, Jogo de Búzios and palm reading had deeply affected her. All this in the name of love. Or, was it mere curiosity? She would discover years later...
This paragraph at the end of the chapter seems oddly placed. It is written 'in character', showing us Christina's thoughts in third person, but doesn't seem at all relevant to the current storyline - that is, Butchie's news. Having said that, I have skipped ahead a chapter and seen that you show us the clairvoyant experience in detail in the next chapter. If you must include this, it has to be as Christina relating the story to Butchie by email, for the purpose of sharing something important of herself to him which helps move their relationship forward. I'll speak more on that in the next chapter review.

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi Christina,
I'm here for another chapter. *Smile*

This chapter is from Butchie's point of view, and it tells us his excitement at the prospect of meeting Christina. I think there is a huge potential for more 'showing' instead of 'telling' with this. When Butchie starts looking up flights on the internet, show us him sitting at his computer. Is he in a comfy chair using a laptop, or an office chair at a desk? Is he drumming his fingers as he waits for pages to load? When he hears from his daughter, show us this by letting us overhear the phone call, rather than relaying the information. Let us see him and hear him. What do his expressions tell us? What is his tone of voice as he talks to his daughter?

It was time to see her, meet her, taste her, feel her and see if their touching, their kissing and their lovemaking was electric, passionate, different, if there was that sparkle or that magnetic force that put two lovers together and kept them together, if there was that so called chemistry.
This long sentence could easily be broken up into shorter sentences that would be easier on the reader.

He started working his way out on the Internet and see about tickets to Brasilia.
This sentence is a little awkward. What about something like 'He started researching tickets to Brasilia on the internet'?

I wanted to be there when you got home, when you do that around five thirty six pm, and leave you a thought, love, care, and how much you have become to mean to me.
'five thirty six pm' is a pretty exact time. Unless you mean between five thirty pm and six pm, but if so, you need to separate the two times somehow.

Butchie babbles a bit in his email. I'm not sure if these emails are cut and pasted from the original emails between yourself and Butchie or if you are writing them for this story - if it's the latter, I would suggest having a look over it and seeing where you can trim words. What words are necessary, and which aren't? It certainly gets across his excitement and nervousness though.

This chapter gives us another step forward in the relationship between Butchie and Christina - they are finally going to meet. Not only that, but Butchie has made a commitment of sorts by booking the tickets. This is a very relevant chapter - if we can just work on the action, putting the reader IN the scene, and showing instead of telling, this will be a great addition to the story.

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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I found this item through the CLASH tournament, for which I am a judge. I hope my comments can offer some assistance in preparing for future rounds.

Weaknesses: Wanderer is not an open book and so any weaknesses he has aren’t just going to be aired out for you to take advantage of
This is certainly how I would have felt going into a tournament for the first time, but most of the competitors feel secure enough in their characters to reveal their weaknesses. Indeed, some of them reveal some startling weaknesses, but still manage to come out victorious. Have a read through some of the other characters' references and see what you think.

The High Council gathers, confers (and do so in stereotypical, hushed tones High Councils take when a story needs dramatic tension added to it by such a delay)
This seems an unusual way of reminding the reader that they are not part of the story, but just reading your work. I would take out the sarcasm and just write 'gathers, confers in hushed tones' etc. It is usually considered better not to mock your readers. *Laugh* Seriously though, I would consider removing this and staying 'in character' with your story.

I do like the fact that you have limited his 'legion, and too numerous to list in their entirety' skills to a more reasonable level for the tournament. This perhaps makes up for not noting any weaknesses. There has to be an element of risk or danger for the tournament to be exciting, I think. (Having read further on, you clearly agree. *Smirk*)

I still wish to race, even with this rather non-sensical and capricious, albeit interesting, caveat you’ve shackled upon me, which I’m sure will provide lots of dramatic story development.”
Here again, I don't understand why the character is referring to the story. As a reader, this annoys me. It sounds like you're mocking me and the tournament as a whole. I'm not sure that's what you intended, but that's my reaction as a reader.

As I reach the end of your introductory story, I still have a lot of questions about your character. I wonder how he'll do in combat, whether he has the proper motivation to win, whether he is tough enough or ruthless enough for the tournament, and a number of other queries. I think you've given us a glimpse, but I'd like to have seen more. I would suggest in the next round that you allow us to see him in a more dangerous situation so we can see if he really has the talents to back up his words. I look forward to reading it.

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92
92
Review of The Assignment  Open in new Window.
Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hi Alex,
I found this item through the CLASH tournament, for which I am a judge. I hope some of this feedback helps you as you move into the next round.

I like the way you don't use dialogue tags for all your dialogue. Sometimes you do, which is fine, but you often use neighbouring sentences to illustrate who is speaking, and their expression or tone. Sometimes the dialogue doesn't need any accompaniment for us to know who is talking. You do this very well. I have taken some notes for my own writing! *Smile*

At the age of twenty, Jayce Richardson was having sex for the second time.
That's certainly an attention grabbing first line!!

As he made love to the beautifully pale blue-skinned Ruluvia, he couldn't help remembering his first time having sex with the beautifully pink-skinned, Private Janice Whitcomb.
You have used the word beautifully twice in this sentence, I'd recommend changing one of them to another word.

The High Command had insisted that that they do the full deed in order that Janice's rape accusations be provable in a court of law.
Hmm, that's interesting information to add to what we read in the character reference. Now my mind is buzzing!

Jayce put on shorts and opened the door to see his brother, Michael, no less.
You spell Michael this way (which is what I would have thought was correct) but it is spelled Micheal in the character reference and throughout the rest of this story.

Just about everyone on this planet whether human like his brother, or Gringan like Ruluvia thought that the Grand Overlord was the most wonderful being in the known universe.
I think the comma is in the wrong place in this sentence. I would have written it as 'Just about everyone on this planet, whether human like his brother or Gringan like Ruluvia, thought that the Grand Overlord was the most wonderful being in the known universe.'

"Really?" said Micheal.
Because that's a question, it should be probably say asked instead of said.

Besides, another corner of his mind reminded him, to be too pro-marine would hurt his cover.
Ooh, more to get us thinking. I sense a twist ahead. Good foreshadowing!

"Have you," asked the Grand Overlord, "watched the holovision at all in the past twenty-four hours?"
He touched a button on his remote control, and a perfectly good Holovision came to life in the room.
In the first sentence you refer to the holovision with a lower case h, but in the other sentence you use a capital as if Holovision is a brand name. You need to pick one or the other and decide if it's a generic name or a brand name.

He actually had a few different emotions at the moment partly because he had a few different roles each with their own emotions.
I think this sentence is redundant, because you explain his conflicting emotions sufficiently in the following sentences. I'd take this sentence out.

This is a satisfacrory outcome.
A small typo there.

Out loud, he said.
When Krylon didn't respond, he said.
There should be commas at the end of those instead of full stops, to link the dialogue with the dialogue tags.

"an unsatisfactory outcome," said Jayce.
You need a capital letter at the beginning of that sentence, even though he is effectively continue the dialogue of the previous speaker.

Overall, this is a very intriguing story. There are clearly multiple storylines working away in the background, and your plot seems far more intense than any of the others I have read for this tournament. If you keep control of all the plot threads, you have an excellent advantage.

In terms of your character, you have set him up with physical fighting skills, intelligence, a certain ruthlessness and a superior skill at lying. We haven't seen him in combat, and I am always disappointed by that in these auditions because it is a character versus character tournament and ultimately I want to see one character outwit or physically conquer the other. However, this is just the audition and there is plenty of time for that. We don't know for sure if he can bring himself to kill an opponent if it comes to that, but you have certainly set him up with the right background to be able to do it if need be - he sees the benefit in sacrificing a few to save the many, and is prepared to break the law to do what is right.

Overall, excellent work. I am very impressed!

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Review by Elle Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hi William,
I found this item through the CLASH tournament, for which I am a judge. This review is just supposed to give you some basic feedback that you can take into the next round, and maybe help you to know if you're on the right track for your character to win favour with the judges. *Smile*

You seem to have put a lot of effort into the background story - where others competitors have done simple 'question and answer' surveys for their character references, you have gone far more in depth. While not necessary at the audition stage of the game, it will be to your benefit in the long run, so well done. The better you know your character, the easier you will find the tournament and the more likely you are to succeed. Just be wary of over-complicating things so that you don't confuse the judges. I must admit at this stage (after reading the character reference but before reading your story) I am a little confused about the effect of this neurite material on Vince, other than giving him telekinesis abilities. But I'm off to read the story and hopefully all will become clear!

I, Mitch, Thea, and Will were watching the newsfeeds together at home, on our giant entertainment center screen.
I think this should read 'Mitch, Thea, Will and I' rather than 'I, Mitch, Thea and Will'.

After we were probed in by Telalabs, tons of information on the stuff we got struck with has been gathered, and nearly every channel aired something related to the iridescent mineral.
'Probed in' should be just 'probed'. 'Tons of information on the stuff we got struck with has been gathered' should be 'they gathered tons of information on the material we had been struck with'.

"The hell's going on here?" Mitch said in an annoyed whisper.
Because it is a question, the dialogue tag should be 'asked' instead of 'said'.

Please bear in mind that I'm not pointing out these small errors to be a picky judge - at this stage in the game and particularly as the audition round is not an elimination round, this is just to help you learn and point out some things you might have overlooked. Characterisation is more important, but it is true that if there are two stories that are well told, with strong characters, one without spelling errors or grammar mistakes might win over one that does have errors. But I am genuinely just trying to help at this stage. *Smile*

Probably a gigantic hoax, perpetrated by some rich nut-job with money to burn." Will said, in the same annoyed tone as everyone else.
Don't wanna be dead meat." Mitch said, glancing at me with pale white eyes
With both of these, you need a comma before the name, rather than a full stop. The dialogue tag 'Will said' or 'Mitch said' is part of the same sentence as the dialogue.

I realise you only have a short space of story in which to say a lot, but it seemed his friends went very quickly from shock and horror at the idea of him participating to encouragement and support. It didn't even seem like he gave any particularly good reason. It might have seemed more realistic if someone (Thea?) was still reluctant and angry, even as he left. Also, his reasons for entering seem tenuous. He's after fame and glory? A cushy lifestyle? I'm not sure that seems a good enough reason to risk his life. Perhaps I missed something?

I stared out into the void of space, thinking about what I'll do if I won the race.
You changed tenses in this sentence. 'I'll' should be 'I'd'.

The titanium alloy chassis gleamed in the bright light of the hangar. The Dale-Tela logo, two stars separated by a line, was being slapped on by a filthy-looking engineer. After attaching the sticker, he leaped off the bike to greet me with a greasy pat on the back.

"Heya, V. Wanna ride this bike in the race?" The engineer reeked of synthetically enhanced oil and nitromethane.
I loved all your description of the engineer and Vince's interactions with him. I could practically picture (and smell!) him. *Smile*

I saw a brief flash of red as a monitor scanned my retinal patterns, it giving the OK.
That's an awkward way of saying it, 'it giving the OK'. Personally I always write OK as 'okay' in fiction like this, but even so. I would amend this to something like 'giving approval for me to board'.

"You are qualified for a quick screening, as we doubt your physical attributes. Actually, I'll provide you with a riddle if you would. Complete it, and your bike’s qualified to enter."
I'm confused. He doubts Vince's physical attributes, so he gives him a mental challenge? Why not a physical challenge if he doubts his physical capabilities? His mental capabilities weren't in doubt, were they?

I stared hard at the laser generators, trying to spot a way to get past them. One mess up could get me killed instantly. I thought about it for a while until the solution hit me. I picked up a box, a turquoise aura forming around it, and slammed it against one of the generators
There was no drama or suspense to this. Although it's hard to add drama and suspense to a mental challenge, you could potentially have added tension by having a time limit, by having Domumen goad him, by having him nearly sear himself on a laser, by... Well, there's a few things.

The one thing I really felt was missing was any evidence or even implication as to how Vince would cope in combat. Can he cope in a physical fight against another competitor? Is he ruthless enough to beat the others? Would he kill someone, if it came down to that? Some of his competitors are pretty dangerous.

Good work on the audition and I look forward to seeing your round one entry.

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Hi Christina,
This is a long narrative chapter, and while it is written as an email from Christina to Butchie, it reads as the author's memoir. I would take snippets of the email, and intersperse them with Butchie's reactions as he reads them. This will help the reader to see these snippets as communication between the two main characters, rather than communication between the author and reader. It will also keep the focus on the present relationship rather than on the past.

After a year, I wanted to be a Sabra, too (in Hebrew: צבר. Sabra is a term to describe a native-Israeli Jew - also a fruit, a pear cactus that grows in the country).
The definition should ideally be worked in to the paragraph, rather than told to the reader. Of course, if this is in the context of an email Christina is sending to Butchie (which it is at the moment) then it's a little different. I would remove the reference to the fruit which is completely irrelevant and adds nothing but confusion.

I decided to stay with Jack's other sister, Chava, after an accident that happened in their home on a Friday or on their Sabbath (where from the sundown or dinner of Friday to the dinner of Saturday or when 3 stars appeared in the sky, the Sabbath is observed both by positive observances, such as three festive meals, and restrictions.)
I would leave out the definition of the Sabbath here, as it slows the pace of the writing, and isn't strictly necessary for the reader's understanding. You explain what is forbidden on the Sabbath in the next sentence which is enough.

I F L U S H E D the damn toilet!
I wouldn't separate the letters with spaces as you have done here, as it looks a little unprofessional for a novel. This type of informality is fine in a blog but not so much in a novel. The exclamation mark is sufficient, although you could perhaps italicise the word flushed.

(Please, my reader: click on this link as follows to listen to the Toilet Flushing Sound to really understand, grasp and have an idea of what I had done, that very instant, to that poor family all the way in Tel-Aviv, Israel!) http://www.bathroomjokes.com/bathroom/flush.htm
This is you, the author, talking directly to the reader, and pulls the reader right out of the story they are reading. I would remove this entire section. Your readers know what a flushing toilet sounds like, and the last thing you want as an author is to send your reader away from your writing to another site.

I had flushed their "loaded" toilet on Sabbaht! The family went mad! When I came out of the bathroom they were all standing there, angry, boiling red, ready to kill me. I had committed a mortal sin, ruined their names in Israel, their ancestors' names, I was a sinful, atheist girl, I was an eyver or from the other side(I guess here, from the other side of the world...), no ancestors, no traditions, a mad girl! What would the neighbors say? To flush the toilet on a Sabbath, no, never! Was I crazy??? My only defense was: nobody told me about this!!!
You captured both their horrified reaction and your own shocked response well here. I'd leave out the multiple questions marks and exclamation marks, but you do a good job of sharing those emotions with the reader.

I guess it's still there... ש"ע) כריסטינה, שם פרטי לנקבה

and this one as I wasn't sure... YISKA
As these are part of the same sentence, I would keep them on one line.

Now I hated not only nuns, but priests too, because of the Church of the Holy Sepulcher (or the Church of the Resurrection) Affair within the walls of the Old City of Jerusalem. She asked me why so I told her the story.
Instead of the reader being able to be a part of Christina's life in the 'present' and witness her growing relationship with Butchie, you are now relating a story from Christina's past to another character in Christina's past...not even to Butchie. I think some of Christina's past can be related to Butchie as part of the getting-to-know-you stage of the relationship, especially considering that it is a long-distance courtship, but I have said above and in previous chapter reviews that these need to interspersed with current communication and 'action' so that we aren't reading pages and pages of history. This story takes us another step further away from the relationship between Butchie and Christina. Butchie isn't involved as a third party listener here. I appreciate that this is the email you were sending to Butchie, but you are distancing the reader from the relationship which should be the focus of a romance novel. It would be different if this were a memoir, but you have 'marketed' it as a romance novel, so every chapter should move the relationship forwards. I would either remove this section, or, if you think it is relevant to the growing relationship between Christina and Butchie, then reword it so that it appears more relevant.

I wore bell bottom jeans, hippie blouses and Dutch shoes, I was reading books like Sexus, Plexus and Nexus by Henry Miller, Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, Treblinka by Jean-Francois Steiner, Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler, The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Animal Farm by George Orwell, Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Don Quixote by Cervantes, War and Peace by Tolstoy, The Complete Stories by Franz Kafta, Being and Nothingness by Jean-Paul Sartre, 1984 by George Orwell, all the books by Arthur Hailey, all Morris West books, The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger and the Wisdom of Life by Arthur Schopenhauer.
This is a really long sentence and a list that is quite hard for the reader to take in. It definitely slows the pace of your work. I would consider whether it was necessary to list so many. Perhaps one or two examples?

I wanted to say goodbye to Panela... where was she, my friend Pamela Huber?
Is it Panela or Pamela? You spell it two different ways here.

I learned many positive things (any negative things, too) such as learn how to speak French very well, how to ski, how to behave, good manners and basically, how to "survive".
I think 'any' negative things should be 'many' negative things.

She was sweating and liking her lips rapidly, breathing heavily and moving on her chair heavily, next to my bed.
Liking should be licking.

I would remove the excerpt from the kissing book as it doesn't add anything of value to the relationship between Butchie and Christina.

You have lived an utterly fascinating life, Christina. I am quite in awe of all you have done and seen, and this is only the early stages of your life as of this chapter. It is quite remarkable. I think you could certainly consider writing this as a memoir rather than a romance novel. That would allow you to write the past in present tense, rather than having to keep the focus on the relationship all the time. And the relationship would come later, as it did in real life. I think a lot of this background info isn't relevant to a romance novel, and I can see that it would be hard to remove it all. Anyway, that's a consideration for you. Of course, my reviews are all looking at this as a romance novel, so if you do decide to switch focus, please remember that not all of my suggestions will still be relevant.

*NoteO* ~ Elle

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Christina,
This is the best chapter I've read so far. You stayed 'in character', attributing all the thoughts to the character rather than a narrator or yourself as author. Really well done.

I also noted that the long run-on sentences weren't as obvious here, and in fact there were places with quite short sentences that kept the pace moving and made it easier to read. Good work!

I only noticed two small spelling errors:
'asking him to leave for good and take with him his deeds, his irresponsibility’s,'
Irresponsibility's should be written as irresponsibilities.

'the famous Brazilian steatok houses where you would eat the best meat ever'
This might be a language/cultural thing, so if it spelled correctly, please just ignore this, but I wondered if 'steatok' should just be 'steak'.

A couple of times you used multiple questions marks (three or four) which isn't necessary. One question mark looks more professional and doesn't distract the reader.

At the beginning, you write:
They...

wait,

wait,

wait

and

wait…
I see what you're trying to achieve there, I really do. With the words on different lines, broken up effectively into separate paragraphs, it draws out the sentence and emphasises the waiting. But to me it look unprofessional. I don't see that in the novels I read. Perhaps it is personal opinion, in which case you must consider it as a suggestion and not a hard and fast correction, but I would have it written as a regular sentence, not broken up like that.

I have mentioned in reviews of previous chapters that I'd love to see the introspective thoughts broken up with action, and this chapter is no different. What is Christina doing as she thinks these things over? Perhaps instead of telling us that she had been to the movies and eaten popcorn, you could show her sitting in the theater, thinking. What did she see on the screen that prompted her thoughts?
'Christina looked up at the screen as the hero declared his love for the heroine, and sighed. She popped another piece of guarana popcorn in her mouth, savouring the [what?] flavour. Butchie had declared his love for her, but she'd miss the tastes of Brazil if she left to be with him. Still, a movie on her own didn't satisfy, did it? Christina looked up to see the hero and heroine celebrating their happy ever after. That could be her. She could be the heroine in her own romance story if she took a chance. Couldn't she?'
By giving us some action, you help us to SEE Christina and picture her as she goes about her life. We can imagine her sitting in the movie theatre, eating popcorn, looking up at the screen, and we can emphasise with her thoughts.

You mention her daughters. Instead of telling us about them and their success, why not have a phone call with the daughters? Have Christina mention her uncertainty and the daughters try to convince her to give it a chance.
'"Mum, we're both grown up now! We've graduated, we've got careers... This isn't like it was with Dad - I know you stayed with him for our sakes. But we're grown up now. It's time for you to do something just for you. Take a chance. Give Butchie a chance."
Christina opened her mouth to reply, but Sylvia didn't give her a chance to speak.
"Claudia and I just want you to be happy, Mum. Do it. Tell him you'll meet up and give this relationship a real chance."'
That phone call has told us the same information about the two girls being grown up, having graduated and embarked on careers, and it imparts it in a way that breaks up the introspective thought.

These are just suggestions of course, and you can write whatever scenes you want, but I strongly recommend breaking this up with scenes that show Christina 'doing' rather than just 'thinking'. *Smile*

As I said at the beginning, this one was definitely more in character for Christina in the book, rather than you the author speaking directly to the reader, so well done.

*NoteO* ~ Elle

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Hi Christina,
I'm back for another chapter. *Smile*

This one is quite a change in tone, as things get more heated between Christina and Butchie. This chapter drives the relationship forward, which is exactly what we want in a romance novel. *Smile*

As I've said in previous chapters, I would intersperse moments of action between the email quotes. How does Christina react to each thing she reads? Show us her reaction to his words. Show us him as he types them. Does he sit there typing furiously as the passion fires his blood, or does he get up, pace, think of the next thing he wants to say and sit back down again?

Because this is based on a true story, I'm not sure if the emails are being quoted from the actual emails sent between yourselves, but they read well. If you've written them just for this novel, you've done an excellent job of them. I think you've captured Butchie's longing and passion really well. Just break it up a little bit with some action and I think this will be one of your best chapters yet.

Just be sure to check for run-on sentences that need to be broken into smaller sentences and the occasional typo. This is a good example of a sentence that is far too long:
Our kisses are slow, but we come inside with tastes of each other, moving inside, eyes closed, imagining the best kiss is long, sweet, and almost endless, and in this there is no meaning of time and place, because the kiss is forever, and we're breathing so close, our mouths are inside, and the hours go by, and I'm feeling how warm breasts can make me all there is in loving Christina, and we cling to this, and love this, we're friends, we're lovers, we're children, we're a man and a woman, and when we love we make love and let the rest of the night rest peacefully, in the end, and I my head falls against Christina's head and she kisses my hair, falling against her green eyes.
It would be better broken up as:
Our kisses are slow, but we come inside with tastes of each other, moving inside, eyes closed. Imagining the best kiss is long, sweet, and almost endless, and in this there is no meaning of time and place, because the kiss is forever. We're breathing so close, our mouths are inside, and the hours go by... We cling to this, and love this. We're friends, we're lovers, we're children, we're a man and a woman, and when we love we make love and let the rest of the night rest peacefully. In the end, my head falls against Christina's head and she kisses my hair which falls against her green eyes.

That's not perfect, but it gives you an idea of how you can break up one really long sentence into shorter sentences. Shorter sentences speed up the pace of a story and are easier on the reader.

Good work!

*NoteO* ~ Elle

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Hi Christina,
I apologise sincerely for the delay between this review and the previous one. I hope to finish the rest in good order. I appreciate your patience.

This chapter is a bit divided for me. The start is you, the author, talking to the reader and telling me what your opinion of love is. This should be coming from the view of the character. The latter part of the chapter you have done just that, and used such words as 'She didn't agree' and 'She probably could change' to show the character's views. You just need to go through and do that throughout the chapter to show that the whole lot is from her viewpoint. It would be great to mix it up with some action. What is she doing while she's thinking all of this? Is she at home, pottering around the kitchen? Sitting in a movie theater watching a romantic movie that gets her thinking? Mulling over an email from Butchie? Let us SEE her. Let us be there in the moment with her. Another option is to have her discuss it with a friend. "No, I don't agree. I think love is..."

This chapter doesn't move the relationship forward very much. While I appreciate that this is a bit of a memoir/autobiography for you, it is being 'marketed' as a romance novel, and for that reason, every chapter should move the relationship forward. I think you can probably keep it in there, once you revise it a little to have the thoughts coming from the character, but you should consider whether it is needed or not, and how badly you want to keep it.

I do like that you share her concern and curiosity over whether there would be shared chemistry with Butchie. This is a valid and expected consideration for her to have, and the reader will agree that this is in character and in keeping with the plot of the novel. Whether you decide to keep this chapter or not, definitely keep this idea of her wondering over their 'chemical attraction' when they meet in person. *Smile*

See you on the next chapter!

*NoteO* ~ Elle

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Hi Murray,
I thought I'd give you some feedback on the contest. First up, I love the idea. I think one thing all novelists want is an audience, and the idea that someone will read their work, even if it's just the first chapter, is highly appealing. Secondly, the chance to win a full novel review is another big draw.

Title - I like the name, but I think if you have the room, you should have '1st' written as 'First' in the title.

I think you should open it to all novels, not just those written during NaNoWriMo. Perhaps limit it to those written in 2013? Although I suppose that's not as fair, because some people will have had longer to edit their work. No, you might be right, perhaps just those from NaNo.

You say 'all those who successfully took part in NaNoWriMo' but what if they didn't reach 50k words, but still wrote a few chapters? Can't they enter?

we though tit may be nice to run this in memory of the 2013 winner of the Man Booker Prize
You have a typo there, and because Eleanor Catton is still alive, I'd say 'in honour of' rather than 'in memory of'. *Smile*

for a chance to win a novel review by "P.E.N.C.I.L."
I would say 'a full novel review' to make it clear that it's not just a single chapter review.

Please feel free to email me is you have any questions.
Typo there. *Smile*

Entries edited between the closing date and the confirmation of the prize winners will be disqualified.
I like that, but I'd make it clear that you mean the closing date of the contest and not the closing date of NaNo.

There are, however, a few rules that need to be complied with:
This is redundant, I'd take this sentence out.

Prizes

}
1st Place will receive a review with "P.E.N.C.I.L." . (Minimum of 3 entries)
2nd Place will receive a 20K Awardicon, MB, and 20K GPs (Minimum of 5 entries)
3rd Place will receive a 10k Awardicon, MB, and 10K GPs (6+ entries)
You have a spare } under the subtitle there.
Again, I'd say a 'full' novel review from Pencil.
I'd also give away an awardicon and MB for the winner. A 50k one?
There are no 20k awardicons, this should read '25k'.

I look forward to seeing it kick off, and once the small corrections are made, will come back with a 5 star rating. *Smile*
Good luck!

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This is one of the reviews paid for with the gift certificate you received for placing 3rd in the "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest" Open in new Window..

First off, I have to admit that I have no idea what this poem is about, and that makes it difficult to provide a constructive review. The title, 'Echo Your Pages' is intriguing and suggests a literary connection (a poem about poetry or about writing or...?). The short description, 'Be careful what you wish for' doesn't shed any light on the subject matter, and I find it hard to match this description to anything I find in the poem itself. Finally, the words 'Falling in love through poetry' are the only other clue that make me think maybe this is a poem about poetry. About poetry coming to life? About personifying poetry? I'm really not sure, and while some poetry can be beautifully vague, I think it would be beneficial for your theme to be more clear for your reader.

I'm dying to dig into you, Desire.
I'm curious as to why you capitalised the word desire. Is it a proper name? If not, I'd lose the capital letter, because honestly it makes me think of a woman named Desire and if that's not what you're going for...
I'm not 100% sure on the use of the word 'dig' which is a pretty brutal term when talking about love and even sensuality. The poem is not overtly sexual, but it does allude to sensuality. What about the word 'delve'? 'I'm dying to delve into you, desire.' That gives an impression of looking beneath the surface. Anyway, over to you as always. *Smile*

I hear you request
that I proceed gently
through your skin,
Every layer
stings to peel away.
Without a clear idea of exactly what is happening and what we're referring to, I have to admit this comes across as really creepy, a la Silence of the Lambs.
I'm called to suggest that the first line might work as 'A whispered request', adding to the soft, senusality of the poem.
Should the comma after skin be a full stop?
Stings is a great word, and adds a real bite to the poem. I'm just not sure what to suggest (if anything) to detract from the creepiness of these lines, without knowing for sure what you were trying to achieve or indeed, what the subject of the poem is.

I am your ointment
made specially for you.
When I think of an ointment, I think of a soothing relief, and I wonder if we can spruce these lines up a little with those words. 'I am your relief, a soothing ointment, specially for you.'

I was made
of all the same pains
healed over time
by self baby kisses
What are self baby kisses? They sound really cute and sweet, but I'm trying to understand the words. Are they baby kisses from oneself? Hmm... I have no suggestions for this. The lines intrigue me...

Self
was all I had.
I can teach you
I can be yours
Just punctuation needed here, I think. A full stop at the end of each of the last two lines? I particularly like 'I can teach you' and 'I can be yours'.

Falling in love through poetry
I hear you from inside that fortress
I see you pacing around
Love these lines. Just a little punctuation?

Even through my own walls
I know this goes with the pacing line, but I just don't quite get it. Might need to take another look at this line.

We built the peering holes
in the exact same places
I think these lines are just a little too pedestrian for your poem. Perhaps... 'We peer through holes, seeing the very same views' or something? Maybe?

I see you
I see you
It's safe.
Ooh, I like the repetition. Nice. Just a little punctuation. *Smile*

I have definitely noticed a tendency in you to start not-so-strong and finish strongly. I like the end of this poem, and I think it wouldn't take much to bring the whole poem up to that standard. You definitely have the framework, it just needs a little tweaking. As always, my suggestions are just that, and you need to make the poem work for YOU, so take what works, and leave what doesn't. *Smile*

Elle

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This is one of the reviews paid for with the gift certificate you received for placing 3rd in the "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest" Open in new Window..

I like the idea you've had, of a basically physical description of a spiritual experience. Very unique. And in poetic form too - definitely something I haven't seen before.

This piece feels like it's lacking polish. It almost feels too raw. I think some of the lines could be made stronger and more powerful, and that will help give it a more complete feel.

I'm assuming, for the purpose of this review, that there is no set structure to this poem, so forgive me if that's not the case but I can't see one.

A vague remembrance of warping,
or something,
These lines certainly aren't strong. The words 'vague' and 'something' don't hold much weight with the reader. What about replacing 'vague' with 'indistinct'? It means much the same thing but the word feels a little stronger with the hard consonants. And I think 'something' needs to go. What if you move 'warping' to its own line, because that's a great word.
'An indistinct remembrance,
of warping and distorting.'
Of course, these are just suggestions to help, and you may choose to use or not use any of them as you like. A poem is a very personal thing, and I do appreciate that. *Smile*

into deep space made of air and magic things -
This is fine except for the word 'things' which like 'something' is just a filler and leaves the reader a little unsatisfied.
'Into deep space, made of air and magic.' That works, I think. Just leave off 'things'.

occurrences with time and circumstance attached
feed us and drive us around.
I think if you remove 'around', this would be stronger. Instead of 'driving us around' which feels more like a Sunday drive, it gives power to 'drive' and could mean more like a race car kind of power.
'Occurences with time and circumstance attached
feed and drive us.'

Where things go and stop,
where things radiate,
where all of everything collapses together
and all is different, and all of the same stuff
I love the use of the words 'radiate' and 'collapse', but 'stuff' lets you down again and 'things' is not strong either.
It would reduce flow, but it might add emphasis and force if you say 'Things go. Things stop.' and split them up. Then have 'radiate' on its own.
'Things go. Things stop.
Radiate.
All of everything collapses together.
All is different, and all is the same.'

A light flashed fast
and a sound of white
hummed into a dense voice
which lifted and carried me here,
laid me down, closed my eyes,
and clapped so loud I forgot what was happening.
I think if you remove the 'a' from the first line, that will give more focus. I love the word clapped which gives force.
'Light flashed fast
and a sound of white
hummed into a dense voice
which lifted and carried me here,
laid me down, closed my eyes,
and clapped so loud I forgot.'
I've removed 'what was happening' from the end of that last line too, it just feels less vague. *Smile*

It was supposed to deafen me,
but I still hear the hum.
These lines are great, and I love that last line for a final poetic finish. *Smile*

I've taken some liberties with your poem, and I hope you don't mind too much. I got a little carried away. *Blush* I found the theme and idea quite inspiring, and wish you all the best with getting this one completed to your satisfaction.
Elle

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