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Hello
Bonnie 
! Here's one of the reviews from "
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that
mystic_dreams ordered for you! Enjoy!
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Most of this piece was well written. There was a building tension as I suspected I knew what the dirty deed was, but wondered if I was being deliberately misled by the author. The scenes played out in a logical order, and the main character appeared to struggle with all the normal feelings of a man in that situtation.
Two things really bothered me about this piece. The first was the scene at Greg Stanton's house, after Will hit him. Frankly, it is incredibly difficult for a civilian to tell at a glance that someone is dead after a blow to the head. He should have checked for a pulse, or possibly just panicked and left without knowing for certain if he was dead or not, but I felt it was unrealistic of him to just
know. Greg's neck wasn't broken, or at least the reader isn't told that it is. In fact, you tell the reader later that it was not. We need more information. HOW did Will know he was dead? I think you need more detail in that scene.
The other scene is at the end, where you employ a similar way of letting the reader know what has happened. I need details and I need some sense of realism, not just a fatalistic 'knowing'.
I would like to see more remorse on the part of the wife, and also more cynicism on the part of the cops. They're only secondary characters, but they're quite crucial to the plot, and they'll add depth to your story if you flesh them out a bit more.
Photograph after photograph fluttered out and even before they landed on the desk, Will tasted the bile rising to his throat.
That was a great line, describing the scene to the reader but also sharing Will's disgust and physical reaction.
Will’s heart rate increased each beat reverberating through his head.
Ignoring the fact that it needs a comma after 'increased', that's another really good line that helps to build the tension in your story. You have quite a few of these gems throughout the story where we get a good look at a character's physical or emotional reaction to something.
Don't forget to check your work for punctuation and grammar before publishing it. I haven't gone in to detail on those technical errors, as most of them would be caught if you just ran it through the spelling and grammar check on Word (or a similar program).
It needs a little polishing, but it's an excellent start on a really emotionally gritty piece. Keep up the good work.
Elle
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"
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