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185 Public Reviews Given
193 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I give encouraging, but in-depth reviews. Please do not be offended if I do not offer you a work solely of glowing praise. I instead work very hard to ensure I give comments that are as helpful as I can. This ideology means pointing out both the great things in a work and the things that may need improvement.
I'm good at...
I am best at reviewing short stories and certain types of poetry. I am still learning, of course, but I feel I have the most useful feedback when reviewing short fiction.
Favorite Genres
I enjoy reading science fiction and occasionally fantasy. My favorite stories tend to have the two intertwined. I also enjoy free-form poetry. I can appreciate a well-crafted form poem, but prefer to review looser forms.
Least Favorite Genres
I am not a big fan of romances. Even though most good stories have a romantic subplot, I'm not as interested in reading stories in which the romance is the primary focus of the work. I also hesitate to read overly religious works.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, poetry, some blog posts
Least Favorite Item Types
I don't really enjoy interactive writing, though I do enjoy becoming active in groups.
I will not review...
...anything in which I can't find something nice to say. If I can't be encouraging, I don't review a work at all.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of 'The Cave'  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, DeKalb Daddy !

I saw your recent review request for your short story, "'The Cave'" , and hope to offer you a review as a student of "Invalid Item" . Please remember that these are the thoughts and opinions of only one reader, so I hope you will take whatever insight you find useful but completely disregard everything else. *Smile*

Initial Thoughts:

I'm glad you chose to come to WDC and share this work with us! You do have a natural writing talent, and I hope you will find the encouragement and assistance to develop that talent here! Although this story is outside the genre in which I usually read, I found it easy to get lost inside of it for its duration, so well done!

Strengths:

You've created characters that are likable and that will fit well within your desired genre (the "teen mystery" niche). I feel that they would be well-received by your intended audience as well.

Plot:

You've done well in packing a very tightly woven story line in a small space. You give some expositional background on your characters, then proceed to their "present" exploration of a particular cave. You then build up the tension by having the brothers gradually uncover things in the cave that just don't seem normal before having them reach their final confrontation.

My only suggestion here would be to be less blatant in your giving of expositional/background information. I've heard the term "information dump" used to describe the placement of too much background information as a separate section of a fictional work. I don't feel you do this overly much, but in the first paragraph I feel a change in wording might prevent this particular problem:

Current wording: "For several years now, they had spent their summer vacations exploring the hills of Georgia, searching for caves. Typically, they would awaken at dawn, pack a large lunch and some water bottles and resume their adventures. Today was no different. They checked their backpacks before leaving the house: flashlights, bug repellent, pepper spray, air horns; all set. The pepper spray and air horns were Eric's idea."

Possible re-write: "Eric and Haeden (since you haven't introduced them by name yet at this point) took a brief break outside the entrance to their newest find: a large cavern burrowing into the side of Insertnamehere Mountain. They unloaded their gear for one final review of the checklist. Flashlights: check. Bug Repellent: check. Pepper spray and airhorns: check. Haeden had insisted on that last one. He secretly hoped that the cave would hold some wild animal that they could scare away."

Such a re-write would maybe require small changes to the actions later on, but it would also turn what is largely non-engaging backstory into an active part of Eric & Haeden's experience. Just a suggestion. *Smile*

Characterization:

I feel like you've done a great job of portraying Eric & Haeden as an older brother/younger brother duo. Eric is constantly either being protective or scolding, and Haeden is generally more laid back and overly excited. However, I'm having difficulty visualizing exactly how old they are. I'm not sure where you would put that information into the story, but it would be nice to know in order to better visualize them and their relationship to one another. Are they only a few years apart, and therefore Eric's experience maybe isn't as great as he'd like to think it is? Or is Eric much older and wiser? Just some food for thought.

Conflict and Climax:

The main conflict here doesn't come in until the very end of the story, when Eric and Haeden are confronted with the creature. Since you've put an element of something unnatural/supernatural into the story, you might try introducing the "spook" factor a bit earlier in order to better solidify your genre. The boys don't find the "coffin" until about halfway through this short piece, and there's been no real expression of fear (even if it's a fun silly kind of fear) up until that point, so the coffin (and its eventually revealed contents) are a little jarring. Perhaps one of the boys feels a brush of air within the damp cave that shouldn't been there and gets the shivers. Your foreshadowing in this instance can be very subtle, but it should be present. Since the primary conflict of your story IS this supernatural being, you want to introduce your characters into this conflict as early as you can without giving too much away.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:

Just a few areas you might address going forward:

Misplaced modifiers: Participial phrases (such as "searching for caves") can be annoying to place correctly. Some editors will even allow them to be misplaced, but whenever possible, they should be placed near the noun they are describing. An example: "For several years now, they had spent their summer vacations exploring the hills of Georgia, searching for caves." Georgia, or even the hills of Georgia, are not "searching," but "they" are. A possible re-write: "For several years now, the arrival of summer vacation had found the Marlow boys exploring the hills of Georgia and searching for caves." Not the best re-write in the world, but I hope you see the idea. "Exploring and searching" are now more obviously referring to the Marlow boys because of the proximity of the phrase to the noun in question.

Verb choice: Don't use the same word too often in a short period of time, particularly where verbs are concerned. You refer to Eric's "moving" himself across the cave in one sentence and then "moving" a beam of light in the next. You might consider finding verbs more specific to the actions Eric is performing, such as "progress" (referring to Eric's motion through the cavern) or "sweep" (referring to the motion of the beam of light).

Pronoun usage: Since both of your characters are male, you will want to be careful with where you switch between a specific names and masculine pronouns. For the most part you do very well in keeping which character you have in mind clear, but there was one instance where clarification might help: "Eric finally convinced Haeden to take up a position behind him. Now in the lead, he moved..." Although it's implied that "Eric" is now the brother in the lead, it can't hurt to change the final "he" to "Eric" to prevent confusion.

Suggestions for Improvement: The biggest suggestion I could offer at this point (that I haven't already mentioned) would be to review each sentence of your work and decide how it contributes to the overall story. Are you giving background information, establishing a mood, or providing foreshadowing with a particular sentence? Then, once you've decided the function of the sentence, decide how to give it the largest possible impact. Sometimes it's a matter of structure, sometimes it's a matter of word choice, etc. Only you can know how any changes might contribute to the feel of the story as a whole.

Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5. This is an excellent start to a story. Now you simply need to do some polishing and editing. *Smile*

Best wishes! I am more than happy to come rate and review the work again after you've made edits, should you wish. Please do let me know!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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27
27
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, Max!

I saw your review request for your essay and enjoyed it so much I thought I might offer you a few comments.

Initial Thoughts: This essay is short but also very well structured and to the point. I feel quite the same way you do regarding peer review as an exercise in improvement, but I was fascinated with all the historical anecdotes that contribute to your understanding. I felt that those both drew me into your argument and strengthened the argument itself simultaneously. Very nice! I also particularly liked how you emphasized that not any peer group would do. You needed someone to tell you WHY one method might be better than the other, and when the first group you joined didn't provide that clarification, you continued searching.

Structure: For the most part, I found your argument to flow logically and in an engaging way. You begin by providing concrete examples of how peer review proved beneficial for individuals who are renowned in their respective fields. Then, you move onto the core of Gladwell's argument regarding guided practice and mentorship, which then flows into your personal experience regarding peer writing groups. I did, however, find your penultimate paragraph slightly disconnected. You're essentially making the argument that practice doesn't make perfect unless the practice is perfect. In order to practice perfectly, the novice must receive positive feedback and reinforcement during guided repetitions of the skill in question. This argument is connected to your primary argument that peer review groups can provide the mentorship required for effective practice. However, I had to make that connection myself rather than have it clearly stated for me. I'm not sure how you might want to weave that into your overall paragraph, but this particular sub-argument I feel would benefit from a more explicit connection.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: In the first paragraph, I believe "storyteller" can be written as one word. I found the hyphen a bit distracting.

You have a few examples of the floating "this." Although writers sometimes get away with this particular problem because it doesn't affect the ability of the reader to understand their arguments, I personally try to avoid the problem altogether if possible. Particularly in an essay where understanding of the reader is vital (as it sometimes is not in fiction), we should do anything we can to increase the clarity of our ideas.

In the tenth paragraph, you write "This is obvious in the case of medical residencies and other professional apprenticeships." Maybe it should read "This need for mentorship"?

In the next paragraph: "These provide an opportunity..." It could perhaps read "These groups provide opportunities..."

In the fourth paragraph from the end: "I can attest to this based on my own experience." I'm having trouble finding a good noun or noun phrase to accompany the "this," but you might rewrite the sentence to discard it entirely. "My own experience attests to the benefits of finding the right group" might work just as well, and it provides a bit more active and direct statement than the current one.

In the third paragraph from the end: "There's more to this than a string of interesting stories." I'm not 100% sure to which noun "this" is referring. Maybe "this premise" would suffice? I'm having difficulty composing anything better, but you know much better than I would precisely what you mean to say. *Smile*

A small typo: "In short,, these groups contribute" should only have one comma.

Suggestions for Improvement: I had only one real suggestion going forward. You've argued for the value of peer review groups on WDC in particular, but you've not linked to any of them. Now, if there are groups that are closed or by invitation only, obviously you wouldn't want to advertise them. However, there might be several more that are open and searching for members, and frankly I would love to know where they are. I'm involved in a great group as far as learning how to give effective reviews goes, but I've yet to find somewhere I can really focus on becoming a better fiction writer.

Thanks as always for a great read!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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28
28
Review of Annie  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi, carlton607 !

I will be reviewing your short story, "Annie" , as a student of "Invalid Item" . Please remember that these are the thoughts and opinions of only one reader, so I hope you will take whatever insight you find useful but completely disregard everything else. *Smile*

Initial Thoughts/Overall Opinion: At the end of this little story, I am left wondering to what Annie keeps referring when she thinks about "when it had happened." I think that this basic premise, that Annie is somehow traumatized by something in her past, could be a brilliant idea for a short story. The open ending (in the sense that we never discover what that something is) could also be intriguing. However, I do have several concerns about the realization of your premise.

Strengths: The way you periodically mention "when it had happened" keeps the reader in suspense until the very end of the story. Though some readers could get bored with that particular phrase, I think it actually contributes to understanding Annie's mental state. Sometimes those sorts of occurrences become so lodged into our psyches that we become a bit obsessed, and we can see them in only one way.

Plot/Structure: "Stream of Consciousness" as a writing style can be used to great effect, particularly if it's meant to portray the mental state of a character. However, there is a limit to how far that style can be taken without losing your reader. Particularly since you've written a piece in third rather than first person, shifting topic too often without following an obvious form can be quite distracting. From reading the piece, I gather that the storm outside has triggered some sort of traumatic memory for Annie, and that the story is really about the memory rather than about what's presently happening. You might consider the following as an alternative outline for events when it comes to writing the work:

1. Introduction to Annie and Buster as they are alone in the house at night
2. Some sort of hint about how storms are unpleasant for Annie because of the memories
3. Description of the storm as it increases
4. Perhaps more solid hints/descriptions of the events "when that happened"
5. Annie's relief at the storm's end
6. The surprise/tragic ending

You could, of course, organize this in another way, so long as the organization is (relatively) easy to follow. By creating a chart of important events, you could give the story a bit more structure. Then, you could evaluate each sentence as it connects to the ones before and after it. If it connects to both other sentences in a logical way AND contributes to what you need to stay in that part of the story, then it stays; if not, it gets deleted, or at the very least moved or re-written.

Characterization: Annie as a main character obviously suffers from some sort of post-traumatic stress, and she is most consistent as a character when those elements of fear are exhibited. However, the reader might find other aspects of her personality less consistent. For instance, I cannot pinpoint Annie's age in this story. You mention that she is "not that old" and that her "hair was blonde turning brown," which makes her sound like a young person, perhaps even a teenager, as it's more common to see a person's hair going from blonde to brunette in adolescence or childhood than it is in adulthood. However, since whatever happened to her came about "a long time ago," my mind instead keeps drawing up images of an old lady living alone with her dog. That image was only intensified in my mind when "Annie groaned at the pain she felt and tried to clutch her heart but her hands didn't move," as I instantly thought about the heart problems that tend to plague the elderly.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: I would be cautious of longer rambling sentences, as they provide more opportunities for grammatical errors. For instance,

She giggled and remembered the time when Buster was a puppy and turned sullenly onto her side.

Since Buster is the last character mentioned, "turned sullenly onto her side" actually refers to Buster, not to Annie. You could clean up the problem by breaking the sentence up into smaller pieces:

She giggled and remembered the time when Buster was a puppy. Annie turned sullenly onto her side.

You will also to watch out for inappropriate use of homophones. For example: "She was petrified like a peace of old wood" should read "She was petrified like a piece of old wood." Another example: "Oh, Buster...my passed is gone" should read "Oh, Buster...my past is gone." Spell checkers won't always catch these sorts of errors, since both "peace" and "passed" are correctly spelled words; they just aren't the words you intended to use.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Showing vs. Telling - Telling us that your setting is on "a stormy and dark night" (as you do in the first sentence) is less effective than telling us that "her room was brightened by clashes of lightning." The reader can infer the stormy atmosphere from that sentence alone, and it's much more engaging to read than a simple statement.

2. Watch the metaphors - I love a good simile or metaphor. Sometimes you absolutely cannot say what you intend without one. However, you will want to watch to make sure you do not overuse them or construct them such that they don't make the kind of impact you would like. For instance: "Her once apple red cheeks turned pale like fresh coconut flakes." "Apple red" is at least somewhat understandable, but "like fresh coconut flakes" doesn't give the kind of meaning that I think you might be intending. You want to describe her as frightened and even sickly pale, and a "fresh coconut" is neither. Instead you might say something like "Her once apple red cheeks turned pale as a haunted apparition."

3. Proofread! - Unfortunately, for some readers a few typos or mistakes in grammar and spelling will detract them from reading a piece at all. You might consider finding a reviewer or reviewing group on WDC who specializes in copyediting in order to help you clean up the problems with spelling and grammar up. I always have someone I trust read my work for those sorts of errors before posting. They don't always catch them all, but if you can get rid of most of the errors your readers will be more forgiving on the ones they do find.

Overall Rating: 1.0 out of 5. I think your premise has the potential to be a brilliant psychological thriller, should you take the time to edit and shape it into such a work. I am more than happy to come rate and review the work again after you've made edits, should you wish. Please do let me know! Keep writing! No one ever gets better without it!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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29
29
Review of Traffic Lights  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Anna !

By your request, I have just finished reading your short story, "Traffic Lights" , and hope to provide you with helpful and encouraging comments as you go forward with further revisions. Please remember that these are the thoughts and opinions of only one reader, so feel free to take whatever insights you may find useful and throw everything else out. *Smile*

Initial Thoughts/Overall Opinion: I'm not sure I can tell you how much I enjoyed this unusual little love story. My heart ached for Norton. Even with a wife he enjoyed, his actions showed just how lonely he was for connection. I love how you left the ending open, as there's no way to know whether that frail connection could ever lead to a real relationship, but the connection itself is real nonetheless.

Strengths: I think my favorite aspect of this work is Norton's poetic voice. Toward the end of the story, he speaks of how it seemed "unlike him" to feel "brimming with unexpressed passion," but really I think the words you use from his POV tell a different story. In only the second paragraph, Norton describes his relationship with his wife as if they were stars: "Sometimes he imagined that they too were stars, and that his clumsily spun in quite a different orbit to hers, where anything he said to her had to pass through inexhaustible light-years until the words finally reached her, crumbly and practically inaudible." Such language comes directly from a man filled to bursting with an unexpressed passion. I often do not "read aloud" in my head (I read too fast to "hear" it properly), but I forced myself to read this entire work aloud in order to really let the words roll around on my tongue, like a fine desert. It's really quite marvelous. *Smile*

Plot/Structure: In some ways the structure of your story is almost too archetypal. Man meets woman, proceeds to endeavor on a love affair with her--to the chagrin of his wife--faces some sort of confrontational moment upon discovery, and the affair either ends tragically or culminates in a new life for its participants. What you've done to keep this plot fresh is drastically changed the terms of the characters' interactions. From Jackie's point of view, their story is most likely only beginning at the very end of the work; Norton has already done the messy business of falling in love. They are essentially separated by time.

I particularly love, too, the way Norton's fall is described. Their first encounter mirrors that of "seeing someone across the room" for the first time. He even describes her as "wearing a gown of twisted blue metal and crushed in nature’s unforgiving embrace," and rather than the stereotypical portrayal of his heart racing, he instead feels his blood pressure dropping out of fear. All the elements of the archetypal love story are there, only modified for your own purposes. The affair even seems to culminate with physical descriptions of his crafting, "with his lily-white hands, anecdotes, stories and nicknames." This particular section feels incredibly intimate, as if he is making love to the woman in only his mind.

Characterization: Norton Grey, from the very outset, seems to be a man with an incredible sense of duty. He walks his property, not for the joy of it, but "because he felt that, living on sixteen acres, he really ought to explore it." Then, once Jackie has been taken to the hospital, he feels torn between wanting to visit her and not wanting to visit her. He obviously has discovered the status of her health by the time he arrives, which makes me wonder how much time has passed for him before he chooses to make his first visit. Norton also very much seems to be a man of "unexpressed passion," (as his mental language attests), so it is quite believable that he would essentially fall in love with a woman he quite literally does not know.

Norton's wife seems intentionally drawn as a caricature. She's described as Swedish and as having a "blondish neutrality" that mars all her interactions with her husband. She is as a cold fish to his unexpressed passion, so it is easy for the reader to imagine why Norton would stray (in his heart at the very least). On the other hand, I would like to have seen how their confrontation would have eventually played out. Our only evidence of her displeasure is that she is "producing at least one embroidered handkerchief per week." Then, by the time a woman calls Norton (whom we only assume is Jackie) she has already left and returned to Sweden.

Jackie is most fittingly the least accurately portrayed and most mysterious character in the story. We know literally nothing about her, other than she was adopted and has a sister, two things which seem to stun Norton when he finally encounters the latter. The reader is given only enough to confirm that she is most likely not the person Norton has crafted her to be.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: I only saw two items that you might consider editing.

"an ambulance was despatched" -- I've always noticed this as being spelled "dispatched," but dictionary.com lists your spelling as a more rarely used version. However, I will freely admit this might be a slight difference in usage between American English and British English, so I would not change it solely on my behalf.

"And yet, something in his English blood implored him, and forced his hand. It’s only polite." The second comma in the first sentence is unnecessary and (to me at least) creates a "stutter" in the flow of the sentence. Also, I believe you mean "It was only polite" rather than "It is only polite." The change in verb tense is currently awkward, and I've not found anything online suggesting "it's" is often used as a contraction for "it was," only "it is" or "it has."

Suggestions for Improvement: This story, out of necessity, is very much drawn as a one-sided drama. I would be careful that your characters (Norton's unnamed wife for one) do not remain overly two-dimensional. On the one hand, it's obvious that her separation from his thoughts belies his lack of real interest in her, but at the same time it would be nice if she had at least been given a name.

Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5!

Thank you so much for the opportunity to review such a wonderful little short story. If you have found anything at all I've said useful, please do feel free to request reviews of other pieces. I would very much be interested in reading them (should I ever find the time). *Smile* Thank you again!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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30
30
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, BDukes !

I saw your review request for the introduction of your novella, "The Archduke - Crimson & Cloven" , and was intrigued enough by your description to give it a read through. I enjoyed it so much that I have chosen to review it today as a student of "Invalid Item" . As always, please remember that I am only one reader, and you should use whatever of my opinions you find useful and completely ignore all the rest. *Smile* I am also constantly striving to become better as a reviewer, so if you have any feedback for me I would be most happy to read it!

Initial Thoughts: This was a highly entertaining introduction! I love the dialogue and banter between Parker and "Arch," as it gives incredible insight to both their personalities. You continue this humorous streak throughout the excerpt, and I hope you continue to do so in future additions.

Strengths: I particularly like Arch's narrative voice. He's very straight-forward and humorous, and he works both that humor and that biting wit into even his descriptions of what's going on around him. I particularly liked this line: "Their pale faces and wide eyes marked them as crisis virgins." It was definitely a chuckle-worthy moment for me.

Plot/Structure: This feels like a great introduction to a longer work. Do you intend to finish the work here, or keep going? I was confused a bit because you posted this, stating it's a "novella," but at 2800 words and with the action setup the way it is, it feels like it's just the introduction to a longer work (either a novel or novella). That's absolutely fine, but I would hate to say something inappropriate without being certain you intended to expand this later. My only concern here is that it works very well expositionally, but lacks the kind of beginning/middle/end structure I would expect to see in a longer work. If, again, you intend to expand this into a longer piece, then by all means ignore that last comment. *Smile*

Characterization: You've done an excellent job of creating distinct personalities for the three main characters you've introduced in this piece. Parker's boyish arrogance regarding his own looks easily establishes him as someone the reader should not take overly seriously, whereas Arch is so uptight that the reader might wonder whether he takes himself too seriously. I would like to read more visual descriptors of them, however. Arch speaks of Parker as managing "to somehow surpass physical perfection," but we get no concrete descriptors of him other than he's beautiful. It's less likely that a reader should know how Arch looks immediately, since he's speaking in first person and isn't likely to divulge that information. We get the idea that he's overweight, but it's all coming from Parker's incessant nagging, and we get an idea of his manner of dress from Leon's disdain as well. Great use of outside characters to draw out the physical characteristics of the protagonist! Leon is probably the best physically described character of the lot, even if the major visual we have of him is of his massiveness.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: Just a couple of tiny things:
*Bulletg*In the third paragraph, you are missing the opening quotation marks in the last part of the paragraph: A smile spread across his face. "Paunchy...
*Bulletg*Watch out for overuse of adverbs, such as "I said softly, and Leon openly stared." I struggle with this particular problem a great deal as well, but too many adverbs can make the writing feel watered down. You might try something like "I whispered, and Leon ruined my attempt at discretion with an open stare." (Okay, so the last half of that sentence got away from me a bit, but I hope you see what I mean.)

Suggestions for Improvement: You might consider alternative placements for your interjection regarding how "immortals" are defined in your universe. Though it's not overly disruptive here, it does create a small break in the dramatic line that you might want to keep building rather than to interrupt it, even so briefly. You might, instead, have Arch continue to narrate just the facts of what is happening around him, and then, once the danger has past, go back and define what immortal means in terms of why Cazael didn't go down the first time. Up until that point in the plot, the ease with which you've plopped the reader down into your universe creates a very absorbing narrative. I would consider whether interrupting the moment of impact (when Leon appears to have blown Cazael away) is worth the cost in dramatic flow.

Overall Rating: 4.0 out of 5

This excerpt is an excellent start to an intriguing work! Should you decide to post more or would like another review, please do not hesitate to ask!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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31
31
Review of Voices  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Guava Piss !

I found your poem, "Voices" , through the "Read a Newbie" function and found your topic intriguing, so I was inspired to offer you a few comments. Please know that these are the thoughts of only one reader, so I hope you will use whatever thoughts you find useful and completely disregard the rest. *Smile*

Initial Thoughts: Mental illness can be one of the most difficult journeys one can ever face, and the idea that it might be chronic and interminable can drive one to drastic measures. As someone who has struggled with it most of my life, and who now helps support my partner who struggles similarly, the feeling of hopelessness that you describe feels almost comfortable, like an old pair of shoes that are torn full of holes, but you can't bare to part with them because you've had them so long.

Strengths: I very much like the unity you've given the piece by beginning the first and last stanzas with the same line. It gives the poem a sense of closure and coming full-circle that many poems lack.

Rhyme/Rhythm/Structure: For the most part I really enjoy the way your couplets work in very rhythmically flowing structures. Though you have not held your stanzas to any set rhythmic convention (such as a certain number of syllables), you generally do very well with balancing stressed and unstressed syllables in such a way that the couplets still feel somewhat symmetrical. You might, however, try reading the poem aloud in order to get a better feel for where the stressed syllables are to determine whether the first half of line A feels balanced to the first half of line B, etc.

As an instance where you've done a good job of this (I've placed what I hear as stressed syllables in red):

The voices have remained, lingering in my ear
Their figures in the shadows, magnifying fear


Even though the number of syllables are not exact, the stressed syllables are well-balanced.

In contrast, this stanza feels a little less well-balanced.

In the past I've yelled at them, and told them to be through
But every time I kicked them out, our bond only grew


The four stresses (as I hear them) in the first half of the second line knocks your symmetry a bit out of wack. I will admit, however, that the rhythm is completely in the ear of the hearer, and once or twice I've gone to point something out in this piece and decided it worked okay anyway, so maybe on a different hearing it would feel more "right" to me.

Another instance: In your fifth stanza, you do use a balanced set of stressed syllables between line 1 and line 2, but the first line is almost always in different variations of two unstressed syllables for each stressed syllables, and the second line is much more one to one. This discrepancy creates a very top-heavy stanza and somewhat disrupts the flow of the rest of the piece.

Most of your rhymes are very simple, but I LOVED how you rhymed "reality" with "abnormality." That's just the sort of interesting rhyme I prefer and really enjoy. *Smile*

Theme: Mental illness can be downright debilitating, but it can also be something that causes great strength. You've demonstrated the hopelessness, the rock bottom you can sometimes hit on the journey. Yet, obviously, the narrator trudges on, day in and day out. I'd love to see that struggle just to walk through each day play out in more descriptive terms, as your poem is for the most part very straight forward. I'd also love to see even the smallest glimmer of hope (it's almost always there) at some point in the work, but as that's perhaps not your point I wouldn't change that on my account.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: I don't see much of anything grammatically that can't be attributed to poetic license, so I will leave it be. I do believe you mean "Now lo and behold" in the last line rather than "Now lone and behold." Otherwise great job!

Suggestions for Improvement: My only suggestion would regard considering a re-balance in some of your lines and stanzas, particularly with regard to stressed syllables.

Overall Rating: 4.0 out of 5

Best wishes to you, both in your personal journey and in your writing. I still regard writing as one of the best ways to work through my own demons. If you can't kick them out, sometimes you just have to learn how to coexist with them peacefully and make them stay quiet most of the time. Should you ever post more work and would like another review, please do not hesitate to ask! *Smile*

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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Review of Rainbow Love  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, Rising to the top !

I stumbled upon your poem, "Rainbow Love" , through the "Read a Newbie" tool, and as soon as I saw that it was LGBT themed I had to offer you a review! *Smile* Please remember that these are the thoughts of only one reader, so feel free to use whatever insights you find useful and throw everything else out.

Initial Thoughts: I like the way you've used writingML to make the colors stand out in the poem! It definitely makes the poem as a whole more attractive to the eye and makes an obvious scaffolding on which the poem is built. The only color that I didn't like so much was "gold," and that's only because it's incredibly hard to see on a white background. You might try using the yellow tag ("GOLD") rather than the byellow ("GOLD") tag on rewrite. *Smile* You might also bold the word "BLACK" in the last line to make it more obvious.

Strengths: Again, I really enjoy the way you've structured your poem around colors and used the writingML to bring those colors to life.

Rhyme/Rhythm/Structure: Free verse is a wonderful thing. In free verse, structure and rhyme and rhythm are entirely what you make of it, which is an incredibly freeing feeling. On the flip side of that, however, is the fact that poetry begs for some sort of structure, whether it's rhythmic, visual, chronological, etc. I'm having trouble finding a structure (outside of your colors) on which the poem is built. My biggest suggestion here would be to use what you have inherently built into your poem: the spectrum of colors. You might consider a re-write in which you intentionally go through the spectrum in order (ROYGBIV, etc.), perhaps one color to a line, or one color to a three-line stanza, etc. You could do almost anything with this structure, but since your title is "Rainbow Love" it makes sense that the colors you introduce be in the order of an actual rainbow.

Theme: Yay young love! Even better when the love is LGBT love! There just isn't enough representation of us around, so anytime anyone writes something even remotely resembling an LGBT love story/poem I get all excited. *Smile* The only thing I might suggest is to throw in some third person pronouns so that we get the genders of the individuals involved. On the one hand, I like the inherent androgyny of the characters because the reader can make them what they like. However, you run the risk of readers not understanding your purpose (that this is a gay couple) if they aren't already steeped in the traditions of the LGBT community.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: I want to point out just a few things, as it seems the poem could use a bit of copy editing.

*Bulletr*First Line: "your" should be "you're." You are saying "I am purple and you are lime green," so you need the contraction.
*Bulletv*First Line: I believe you mean "serene" rather than "serine."
*Bulletb*Third Line: "lets" should be "let's" (for "let us").
*Bulletg*Fourth Line: Capitalize second "i."
*Bulletr*Fifth Line: "each others" should be "each other's" as it is possessive.
*Bulletv*Fifth Line: "Lets" should be "Let's" (for "let us").

The only other thing I would say regarding grammar/punctuation/etc. is that you should decide whether to consistently treat sentences as sentences (by ending them with periods before beginning the next) or whether they should flow more like poetry, with commas or semicolons in between ideas. For instance, the first line actually contains three complete sentences: "I'm PURPLE and your LIME GREEN, together we could make rainbow magic, it would be so peaceful and serine." I'm a big fan of breaking punctuation rules in poetry, so I think that your choice to punctuate with only a comma between thoughts is appropriate here. However, later on you use more formal punctuation rules: "Rainbow love is what we'll have. It'll never break, bend, or bruise guaranteed! I can be that good strong man that you need, but you can lead." Either would be legitimate (in my humble opinion), but you might want to consider making your "internal" rules more consistent.

Suggestions for Improvement: My biggest suggestions I've already mentioned. Consider how you want to scaffold the piece (and on the colors would be fine, since they're your main point anyway), but find a way to do it that's consistent and logical. Also, be sure to kick out any grammar/spelling errors before posting. You're off to a great start! *Smile*

Overall Rating: 3.0 out of 5

Welcome to WDC, and best wishes! Keep writing! Should you ever like another review or opinion, please feel free to ask! *Smile*

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Kat !

I have just re-read your satirical piece, "Suppressing Depression - SATIRE" . I really think it's a piece with a LOT of promise, so I hope you will take whatever comments I give that are useful to better your writing and then throw the rest of the garbage out. *Smile* Also, I'm having to edit my usual reviewing template to fit your work, so I hope it makes sense!

Initial Thoughts: This piece first makes me want to laugh at its ridiculousness, but then I want to cry with the realization of how many people actually DO think this way with regard to mental health in this country. What's even worse is that perfectly well-meaning people often say some of the worst things when they're confronting someone with depression, and I think you've nailed several of those problems on the head.

Strengths: The voice in this piece is very humorous and light-hearted, which makes it easy to get caught into it. With such a satirical take on something so serious, you have to get your readers on board with your narrator before diving deeply into your issue.

Structure: I love the way you've structured this piece as a proposal for an actual program for schools to follow. I also love how your suggestions get increasingly absurd, going into advocating downright belligerence towards people suffering from depression by the fourth item. You might, however, give a bit more space to the items that are much shorter (inspirational speakers and mental health days specifically), perhaps by writing up a more detailed "official policy" for mental health days or naming individuals (such as a Chicago Cubs fan, or even a player) who would be making the presentations. Names needn't be real, obviously, but you might even have it seem as if they've already been scheduled. Just an idea. *Smile*

Theme: I particularly love how you come at the theme of mental illness from the point of view of someone who obviously just doesn't get it. The narrator/author seems to believe that depression is a state of mind that can be overcome by sheer will power and that you can "fix" it just by faking it and having a positive outlook. Then, if an individual can't hide the problem, the narrator seems to suggest that he or she should take themselves out of the picture so that so-called "normal" people don't have to deal with them. It never ceases to amaze me how otherwise perfectly well-intentioned people can have such a misunderstanding of depression and how it works. The things they say out of the best of intentions are often the most terrible things to be said.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: For the most part, your grammar/spelling/punctuation are spot on. There is at least one sentence that flows a little oddly: "All methods included in this plan are research-based and have found that at least 1 in every 10 people says these methods help them have a more cheerful outlook on life." For a moment there, my brain stuttered over the part beginning "have found" because my brain was still connecting it to the word "methods" as the subject of the sentence. You might separate it into two sentences: "All methods included in this plan are research-based; this research has demonstrated that at least 1 in every...." etc.

Suggestions for Improvement: You wouldn't be able to follow this first suggestion necessarily at WDC without an upgraded account, but I would LOVE to see mock-ups of the posters for your "Poster Campaign." The descriptions give me a particular mental image that makes me smile or laugh, but I think in this one instance a picture really could be worth a thousand words.

Another suggestion--and I admit it just came to me--is that the satire might be much more pungent should you name an actual school district (made up, obviously). Then it might become more than a generic rant and instead become a targeted stinging reproach of the way mental health issues are often handled in our school systems. You would then just format it as if it were an actual proposal or program that you, as superintendent perhaps, were presenting to the students, parents, or school board of your district. You could even fake a name and sign it at the bottom to give it that more "realistic" touch.

Overall Rating: 4.0 out of 5

Keep writing! You have an innate gift for dark humor; keep developing it! *Smile*

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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Review of Schism  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, BryanG !

I recently stumbled upon your book chapter, "Schism " , and was inspired to offer you a few comments. Please keep in mind that these are the opinions of one person, and you should feel free to use whatever you find helpful and toss the rest out. *Smile*

Initial Thoughts: I am becoming a bigger fan of science fiction each time I read something well-written, so thanks for contributing to my ever-growing interest! *Smile* You've given just enough information in this introductory chapter to make me very interested in reading the rest of the work.

Strengths: You've done an excellent job of setting up your universe in such a way that you are showing the reader what it is like rather than telling the reader what it is like. I struggle a great deal regarding that particular issue, so I greatly appreciate it when I see it in other writers' works. I love how you use your scientific terms without immediate definition, which allows your reader to fall into the story without feeling that there's some massive separation between the reader and the story. Your characters are fluent in the technical language of their time, and their fluency forces the reader to become fluent as well. I feel like I know just enough about the universe in which your characters live to follow the story but also just little enough to want to keep reading. Awesome!

Plot/Structure: I feel like your introductory chapter has really set up your novel for further development. You've introduced what I assume are to be your two (maybe three) main characters as well as your immediate source of conflict. I'm very much looking forward to whatever else you may post from this universe!

Characterization: I love how you have women in command! I get so irritated when too many men have positions of power, so thanks for providing the reader with some strong female characters to admire. *Smile*

I am particularly enjoying Mandy. She's wonderful naïve yet brilliant, and I'm not really sure she has any idea that what she's doing isn't completely normal, at least with regard to her mental capabilities. I'm fairly certain she's aware she's got some unusual physical attributes, but her brilliance seems sort of self-obvious to her in a completely non-narcissitic way. I really enjoy her as a character.

I feel like I should wait to see how Alex develops. On the one hand, she's definitely got some insecurities, but she doesn't show them so much as express them to herself (and to others), but on the other hand I think she is perhaps more trusting than someone more hardened by time in command should be? Maybe she is right and she is lacking some central element that she will need to develop to become a good leader, but she's already got a good bit of the necessary traits instilled simply through her bravery and adaptability.

I don't know enough about Cisco yet. Other than his slightly lecherous qualities, he seems like only a background character for now without a lot of in-depth development, but of course, he's also only had one chapter to show himself off thus far. *Smile*

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: For the most job you've done an excellent job of editing, etc., but I did notice a few places that may warrant correction.

In the sixth paragraph, one sentence reads a bit awkwardly. "As for its shape, from the crater’s rim it had appeared as an elongated T-shape, with downward sloping wings." The first "As for its shape" feels a bit redundant, and the paragraph might be functional without it. I also think you meant "Up close, it was hard to discern the gentle curves from the shadows."

In the twelfth paragraph, "to damped the rest of the kinetic energy from the fall" most likely should read "to damp" or "to dampen."

In the 30th paragraph, "The girl seemed to be genuinely confused, like as accident victim" most likely should read "like an accident victim."

In the 35th paragraph from the bottom, the sentence "There was no symmetrical and no clear pattern to their construction" reads a bit awkwardly. You might reword it to say something like, "There was no symmetry nor clear pattern to their construction," or some other construction that makes your structure a bit more obviously parallel.

Suggestions for Improvement: My biggest suggestion here would be to add more descriptors to your main characters. You've described Mandy fairly well, and I have a fuzzy visual image of Alex, but I can't properly imagine Cisco at the moment (and if you've put something in there I can't find right now I completely apologize).

I also do wonder how much of the information that Alex offers up to Mandy is somehow classified by the government, and whether she should be hesitating more before giving her any information, particularly since she says Mandy looks only about 18 years old. Human or otherwise, I'm not sure it's believable that Alex would quite so easily give up valuable information to anyone, especially an individual she isn't sure has the means to understand it anyway.

Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5

Keep writing! You definitely have the gift for it! *Smile* If you have other items you'd like to have reviewed, please don't hesitate to ask.

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Kat !

Welcome to WDC! I'm so glad you've decided to at least try out the site. *Smile* Maybe I will get to be the first to leave you a review, this time on your prose-poem, "Dr.Suess/WebbMD:Guide to Hypochondriasis" . As I tell everyone for whom I leave reviews, I am by no means any sort of expert, so use anything you find useful, and toss out everything else.

Initial Thoughts: I still think the premise behind this is brilliant. I would love seeing what you might do with this with a few "adult" illustrations!

Strengths: You are quite good with coming up with Seussian turns of phrase that make me giggle, right down to the made up words (i.e., "fiercenesses"). My favorite is probably "Or maybe a fetish for pink-polka-dot socks!" So funny!

Rhyme/Rhythm/Structure: I'm still not quite sure whether to categorize this as poetry or prose or to let it stay floating in the middle somewhere. The first 11 "lines" are obviously a bit more poetic than the prose that follows, but even then you're still using Seussian rhythmic and rhyming schemes. I'm wondering whether a re-write with more focus on providing a solid structural scaffolding might one way be in order.

Theme: Woohoo Satire! Your equivocation of "Dr. Webb MD" with Dr. Seuss is quite apt, particularly considering how absolutely useless most online web searches for symptoms can be. Every symptom you have is basically attributed to cancer or some equally terrifying diagnosis. I also love the imaginary diagnoses. Maybe in a longer version of this you could make up some more!

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: Poetry provides a LOT of leeway regarding grammar and punctuation, but I think you've done pretty well in keeping to most grammatical conventions. Perhaps some punctuation changes might be in order, but since the style is (somewhat) conversational and your use of commas and periods consistent, I wouldn't focus too heavily on it.

Suggestions for Improvement: I really only have two suggestions. First, work out some sort of plan regarding the way you want to structure the piece, and stick to the structure. Particularly in the second half (the list of diagnoses), the rhythmic and rhyme schemes are very fluid. Your Seussian tone might work better with a more consistent scheme. Second, I would love to see a longer list of diagnoses.

Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5

I hope you enjoy the site!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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Review of Squatters  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, EricAnderson !

I stumbled upon your short story, "Squatters" , some time ago, and am unfortunately just now finding time to catch up on the review! Please feel free to use anything you find helpful and completely ignore everything else. *Smile*

Initial Thoughts: What a creepy story! You hooked me in with the first sentence and led me on a strange twisted journey, and then at the end you threw in just a hint of a political stab. I really enjoyed it!

Strengths: Your narrator's voice is gripping in its self-assured matter-of-fact manner. He talks about murder, about thievery, about things we associate with darkness and evil, as if they are simple truths of a frightening world. His lack of emotion (at least until the third section) is the biggest part of what makes him such a "love to hate" character.

Plot/Structure: I love how your plot expands with each of the major sections. In the first section the narrator speaks primarily of one girl in one particular situation. In the second section, your vision goes outward into the small community of individuals whom the narrator frequents. In the climax, you introduce an almost psychic element while expanding into the greater community at large. At the same time, the situation of the main character becomes more and more complicated. He starts as a stereotypical caricature of the creepy alcoholic but then becomes more sympathetic as he informs the reader of desire only to take what he needs, and how he cannot go back to being "them." Then, in your final section he's revealed as the result of what one might say is a combination of bad luck and bad decision making. Creepy or not, he becomes truly human.

Characterization: Again, I very much enjoy your narrator. He starts somewhat one dimensional but becomes increasingly complex as the work progresses. Then at the very end you invoke the language of the "Occupy" movement: "The one-percenters are about to meet the other ninety-nine." I shivered with a little bit of pleasure there, I will admit. *Smile*

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: Nothing I can see. Awesome!

Suggestions for Improvement; Don't consider this so much a suggestion as a fond wish: this is an excellent thriller with a slight political undercurrent. With a little work (or even in a completely separate work/re-write), it could fairly easily become a political work with a thriller undercurrent. I can't say anyone else would love it, but I probably would. *Smile*

Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5 (the 0.5 being the part that wishes the satire were further developed *Smile*)

Thanks for the great read! Best wishes!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, authoras !

I saw quite a while back that you had requested reviews on a portion of your book, "I don't want to post the title here." . I am just now catching up on several of my outstanding reviews in my queue, so I hope you will find this review encouraging and helpful. Please feel free to use whatever insights you might find helpful and disregard the rest. *Smile*

Initial Thoughts: Even though you specify that this is from the middle of a much longer work, your imagery and attention to detail give the reader a very good idea of the theme and pacing of your story. Particularly, even though we may not know precisely the plot structure from before or after this excerpt, we are given very beneficial glimpses into your characters--especially Albay and Leon--who seem to have developed into very strong individuals by this point of the work.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: Since you mentioned wanting opinions specifically your writing style, I will put this right up front so you can ignore the rest of the review if you like. *Smile* I enjoy your vivid use of imagery as well as the particular style of speech exhibited by your characters. It seems very appropriate for a piece about royal hierarchies and ancient deities and elf lineages. I only have two concerns. First, the style occasionally seems inconsistent. For instance, in one sentence you describe "this particular man had a fat body that looked like an apple." Considering the eloquence you have used throughout much of the rest of the work, this one sentence felt out of place to me. You might consider rewriting the sentence as something such as (and this is just my ridiculous attempt--laugh at it if you like): "Blood-red cloaks of wool adorned all templekeepers, and this particular gentleman's rounded belly gave him the appearance of nothing so much as a giant apple." I think your writing style will work very well, so long as you use it consistently. My second concern is sentence length. Almost all of your sentences use complex sentence structures, which in and of themselves can be wonderful and flowing and fabulous. However, string too many of them in a row and the writing gets too dense for the average reader to spend time working through them. If you are writing for a specific type of audience that enjoys that particular kind of craftsmanship, then that's no longer a concern for you at all.

Strengths: I enjoy your use of detailed imagery, which make me feel as if I can imagine the almost antediluvian temple with ease. You also have a gift for the turn of phrase. I particularly liked, "He no longer had to dread losing Ericasi, for he had lost Ericasi." Something about the simplicity of that statement struck me, specifically since so many of your other sentences are much more complex.

Plot/Structure: I cannot comment on how this particular scene sits within your overarching story, but as its own complete unit it works quite well. This wedding essentially acts as the climax of this section, and I feel that your lead up to the wedding itself as well as its fallout are well-paced.

Characterization: By this point in the story it seems your images of who your characters are as people has been well-established. Leon seems very brooding, very angry in some ways, and I imagine his lineage is possibly a contributor to that. I also feel that he's up to something, which could be wonderful or terrible. Albay seems honorable to a fault, because we are meant to believe that he has a turning point where he feels he made the wrong decision. We aren't given enough information in this excerpt to understand exactly why he chose not to rescue Ericasi, but he stood firm in that resolution, which is in most instances an admirable trait. I would definitely be interested in reading more about what brought him to that decision. Ericasi I am less certain of as a character. She enters the scene understandably frightened and weak, almost pitiable, but leaves with a sneer and a bit of pride. Perhaps, with the addition of the surrounding scenes (before and after), I can find her a more believable character, but since we see little of her strong will prior to her sneering at Albay, I find it difficult to believe that act is any more than a front. Perhaps it is. The reader may not be certain just from this one excerpt.

Suggestions for Improvement: My only suggestion would be to go sentence by sentence to ensure that your writing style and prose are consistent. I would have to read the rest of the book to give you anything more specific.

Overall Rating: 4.0 out of 5

Thanks for the great read! Best wishes!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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Review of The Wedding  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Liz !

Welcome to the site! I'm so glad you've decided to post some of your work! As promised, I have just finished reading your poem, "The Wedding" , and hope to assist you by offering a few encouraging and helpful comments. As always, feel free to use anything you find helpful and completely disregard the rest. *Smile*

Initial Thoughts: I really enjoy your juxtaposition of images in this work. The dull bleak gray of your bride and groom and their "frozen dreams, against the bleak sky" contrasts beautifully with the images of the wedding: "palm turning up in the breeze, / against a vibrant turquoise sea." Color, in this instance, acts as a perfect metaphor for the contrast of the lively joy in the relationship's beginning to the grayness of its somber end.

Strengths: Your imagery is quite apt for your subject. I love the various ways you juxtapose life and "death" (whether real or metaphorical). I particularly love this stanza:

At the entrance,
stood the remains of a shrine to the Godess Ishtel,
Mother of fertility.
Mayan women traveled to place offerings,
at the threshold,
the sacred gates into the womb and safety of the city,
to pay homage to Ishtel,
in hopes of fertility.


I love the contrast of such a vision of hope and life as opposed to the previous stanza where you mention "ghosts of a once thriving ancient city." You maintain these sorts of contrasts throughout the poem, which I think helps develop your theme of change and the passing of life into death.

Rhyme/Rhythm/Structure: The wonderful thing about free verse is that you have no restrictions regarding your rhyme, rhythm or structure. The terrible thing about free verse is that you have no scaffolding on which to build your rhyme, rhythm, or structure. In this instance, I feel like your structure is primarily chronological, which is perfectly appropriate since your theme seems to be about change over time.

Theme: I really enjoy this thematic exploration of how time brings change, how what was once lovely and bright can easily become grey and listless. I am interested to know the backstory of the poem, specifically since you mention "eight years past" since a wedding but the ending stanzas imply both the birth of children and possibly the death of a partner (the image of eyes growing dim), but at the same time both partners are standing together in the end. The metaphors are beautiful, but perhaps I'm not smart enough to understand them completely. I suppose I am okay with that (and not altogether unsurprised). *Smile*

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: Though adherence to standardized grammar is not necessarily of highest importance in a poem, some sense of consistency would not be amiss. For instance, in some place you use an abundance of commas to separate ideas:

Here we stand, arm in arm,
worn faces, hands.
Like the fallen rocks,
of the ancient city.


The final comma after "rocks" seems unnecessary, since "fallen rocks of the ancient city" is a complete image. However, only a few stanzas earlier, commas seem to be missing where they might help pace the poem:

Time caught us,
froze our dreams
children born
loved ones passed
houses emptied and filled.


In that stanza, each line is a separate image, and therefore commas might be more appropriate.

Also, watch out for typographical errors. A few I noticed:

*Bulletg*Eighth stanza, "amoung" should be "among"
*Bulletg*Ninth stanza, "Godess" should be "Goddess"
*Bulletg*Ninth stanza, "thershold" should be "threshold"
*Bulletg*Tenth stanza, "strenghth" should be "strength"

There may be others, but those particular errors caught my eye. A quick run of the piece through a spellchecker might get rid of any additional errors.

Suggestions for Improvement: The biggest thing I would suggest would be to check for typos and misspellings and review each stanza for possible punctuation changes.

Overall Rating: 4.0 out of 5!

Best wishes, and welcome again to the site! If you would ever like another review, please don't hesitate to ask. *Smile*

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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Review of The Date  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Adorre !

I have just finished reading your short story, "The Date" , and was inspired to offer you a few comments. Please feel free to use what you find helpful and discard the rest. *Smile*

Initial Thoughts: I am very amused by this little piece. I've always wanted to go on a date to see poetry in performance. Particularly when a poet really gets into supposedly controversial material, the real character of the individual you are dating becomes better revealed. I almost wish you had incorporated some of the poet's work into the story itself, perhaps even made it a more explicitly obvious point of connection between the two characters.

Strengths: You have moments in which your prose almost reads like poetry. I was hooked in by your initial few sentences, as I very easily felt the flow of the poet's words, even though you never give us a specific example of her work. That opening paragraph is an excellent example, in my opinion, of setting a scene not only through the specifics of what you say but also by the rhetorical tools you use to set it.

Plot/Structure: Your structure is very easy to follow. You begin with an introduction of the scene, followed by a brief expositional summary of how the characters got to this point. Using the poet's change of mode to outline the story is quite imaginative. As she moves into political opinions, so too do the characters. As she moves into more sensual topics, the poet encourages an increase in intimacy between the lovers. When the poet reaches her conclusion, your characters head in the same direction.

Characterization: I would love to see further development here. We know that Richard has bulging muscles and acts the part someone interested in feminist goals. We know that Christina has brown eyes (thanks to Richard's poetic recitation), and that she is interested in Richard, but really, at the end of the date, I'm left not knowing as much about the characters as I would like. I'm very much interested in getting more information on what they look like physically, but moreso, what they are like together. The characters have been friends for a long time, but the reader has no idea how that came about, or how their relationship evolved to a more romantic one.

Suggestions for Improvement: Now that you have a solid structure on which to scaffold your story, you might work a bit on offering more "showing" of your story rather than telling. For instance, as you approach the story's climax you write, "The poet switched gears again. This time she was sensual." I have a hard time just diving into the sensual mood without more details. Perhaps you might have the poet's voice interrupt the narrator's musing by inserting a few lines of sensual poetry, or have the narrator describe how she caresses the microphone like a lover, or something similar. There are definitely times to "tell," but I think at the very least, these structural moments in the story lend themselves to an excellent opportunity for showing exactly what the character is experiencing, both onstage and off.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: It looks like you've done most of your editing regarding, grammar, etc., because I find very few errors. In the second paragraph, there is a typo in the word "fingers" (it's missing the "e"). Most of the rest are in the character's dialogue, which obviously calls for less formal wording anyway. Good job!

Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5.

Thanks again for the cute read! If you do decide to make some edits and would like me to take another look, I'd be more than happy to do so. Keep writing!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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Review of Voices  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, phoenixfire1 !

I have just finished reading your item, "Voices" , and was inspired to offer you a few comments.

Initial Thoughts: You've packed a lot of suspense into only 300 words! From the very first sentence, where you describe the building as "menacing," I felt an urgency to discover what would come next. The whole piece maintains that "menacing" air about it, and your ending remains vague enough for me to wonder "What if...."

Strengths: I like your ability to "show" rather than "tell." For instance, rather than telling the reader, "The boy was frightened," you take time to demonstrate the fear by speaking of a "sharp breath" or "jaw clenched." You might take some time to further develop that skill. What simple statements might be deleted or replaced in order to draw your reader into the atmosphere?

Plot/Structure: Plot can be SO difficult in such a short set of words, but I think you've done quite well within the restriction. We don't know exactly how the boy got into the situation he's in, but that fact gives the piece part of its intrigue. We also have a vague idea of how his frightening situation is resolved, although we are left to wonder what actually took place. Was the boy consumed by some sort of malevolent spirits? A rabid pack of rats? Or my personal interpretation, that the spirits are all in his mind and represent a manifestation of his superstitious fear? In any case, the vagueness of the plot actually assists in the piece's air of mystery. However, I'd be very interested to see how this might be expanded into a separate, longer work.

Characterization: In this short piece, I am only able to establish that the protagonist is:
*Bullet*Young,
*Bullet*Somewhat proud, and
*Bullet*Scared.
It would be difficult to pack much more into such a short piece, but you might be able to insert a few small descriptors here or there. Although you call the protagonist a "boy" in the first sentence, somehow I still had an image of some sort of adult warrior in my mind almost immediately. Additional physical descriptors of your character might have put my own imagination on a better track. Perhaps you might work in something about how the building menaced over the boy's short stature, just as one example.

Suggestions for Improvement: Again, it's quite difficult to pack too much more into an already pretty coherent short work, but you might start by carefully evaluating each sentence and deciding whether it adds anything to your scene, in terms of drama, plot, or characterization. Every word must count, and this maxim becomes even more important when you are under such a small word constraint. For instance, in your second paragraph, you might combine sentences: "Though heavily guarded decades before, the building now featured only a single deadbolt, broken by past adventurers." I would also enjoy more visual descriptors, particularly in the beginning before the character loses most of his physical sight.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: Misplaced modifiers are both my personal pet peeve and the bane of my own writing. I am particularly fond of putting participles in the wrong place. Example: "His eyes took some time adjusting to the light." Although your meaning is clear, "adjusting" is, in this case, misplaced, as it should be next to "eyes" rather than "time." To fix the sentence you would write "His eyes took some time to adjust to the light." Because I do struggle so much with participial phrases, I try to remember to check every "-ing" word in my writing to ensure it's in the correct place (not that I always succeed, mind you *Smile*.)

Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5.0! *Smile*

Best wishes! I am so glad you've gotten into writing! I wish I had done the same when I was your age. Keep up the great work!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie

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Review of That's you  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Initial Thoughts: I feel like this could make a very good spoken word piece. Reading it aloud gives it drama that I didn't recognize upon a first reading.

Theme: Love, unrequited, is both heart-wrenching and absolutely fabulous. The image of looking through a tunnel for a hint of a light on the other side is quite apt, because sometimes you see these flickers that are nothing but your eyes playing tricks on you.

Grammar/Spelling: Poetic license definitely gives you the right to modify--or disregard entirely--grammatical structures that don't work for the piece. However, in a few lines some clarifying punctuation might help get your meaning across more effectively. For instance, "Your laugh and smile I get so lost inside your stare" might benefit from a comma between "smile" and "I." When you present questions, you might use a question mark for clarity, such as in "Will there be a way to maybe see this through?"

Poetic Structure: The change in rhyme scheme in the third stanza bothered me until I found its refrain in the sixth stanza. What a great way both to prevent your rhyme scheme from becoming overly repetitions (and boring) and to also create larger-scale structure! I like!

Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5.

Best wishes!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie
42
42
Review of Final Waters  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Initial Thoughts: I find myself empathizing well with Danny's situation, since something similar happened to me a few years ago. There's no grief so great you can't pile a little guilt on to make even more terrible.

Characterization: I would like to hear more about "Granddad." For the majority of the story we see little of him in Danny's memories other than he used rolling tobacco. Then at the end we only get a teaser about the kind of man he might have been. It might be easier to sympathize with Danny's loss (for me at least) if I was more aware of who Granddad was before his illness and death, and particularly if more "hints" were sprinkled in throughout the rest of the text.

Grammar/Spelling: For the most part your grammar, spelling, etc., are spot on. However, you might be careful in your use of commas and participles, particularly when you have several in the same sentence.

Writing Style: You seem to enjoy writing really long sentences. I have the same talent/problem. The use of long sentences with flowing phrases and clauses can create a wonderful dramatic effect. However, when you use too many in your writing you run the risk of either confusing your readers or boring them. Variety is the spice of life, and the saying holds true for sentence structure and length. There are several long sentences that might be better off as two (or even three) separate sentences.

Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5.0

Best wishes, and welcome!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie
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43
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Initial Thoughts: As a prologue or introduction, this is off to a great start. You drew me in to the story without giving very much away, and my inherent curiosity makes me want to know more.

Characterization: The reader doesn't have very much time to get any real sense of who any of the characters are in this very short space. You might embed more tiny things into the character's interactions that foreshadow more obvious character traits later. You used this particular device when describing how Wendy plays with her grandfather's ring. I am also definitely intrigued by the relationship between Dietrich and Micheil and look forward to seeing how their relationship, "shared existence" though they may have, evolves.

Grammar/Spelling: This is not necessarily an error, just an observation. Any time two people of the same identified gender are involved in the same scene, you run the risk of confusing them by using too many gender-specific pronouns. E.g.: "The window closed, leaving her alone in her room, a picture now in her hands." Since Beth was the last one speaking, a reader MIGHT assume the "she" there means Wendy and get slightly confused. You might make a minor adjustment by inserting the appropriate character's name periodically where you might otherwise use pronouns. Also, be careful with your verb tenses. You tend to shift back and forth, from "Bethany plays with her hair" in one paragraph to "Wendy tapped her fingers nervously" in another.

Writing Style: Your style is very straight forward, but you tend to use a lot of clauses in your sentences (as do I). You will want to make sure sentences don't get too long. You do have a good variety of sentence length here, however, so I don't think it's an immediate concern.

Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Best wishes!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie
44
44
Review of My Everything  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Initial Thoughts: I always get excited to read poetry with LGBT themes! The interesting thing about this poem is that there's no reason it couldn't be written by either a man or a woman, but I like that you label it as "Gay/Lesbian" to make sure people know that going into the reading. After all, if we can't normalize our feelings for our loved ones, how can we expect anyone else to do the same?

Grammar/Spelling: No errors that I can see! *Smile*

Writing Style: You have paid VERY close attention to your rhyme scheme and meter, which I can definitely appreciate: I have next to no talent in doing either of those things. That being said, there are a few places where forcing the poetry into the rhyme and meter creates some awkward phrasing, such as in the final stanza: "She is the thirst I quench / And the lunch that I host." The two lines fit in that you are talking about thirst and hunger (very related concepts), but the phrasing itself seems awkward and forced. Just something to think about during any possible rewrites.

Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Best wishes! Keep the pride! *RainbowL**RainbowR*

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie
45
45
Rated: E | (4.0)
Initial Thoughts: This was a fun little romp through a new mythology! I've always been a fan of parables, myths, and fables, so this was right up my alley!

Characterization: I do recognize the names of Iblis and Khaliq somewhat from Islam, but I will admit I am not nearly versed enough in the religion to know what of this might be derived from actual legends or beliefs in that spirituality or if the majority of the tale is purely imaginative fiction. I would definitely love to know!

Grammar/Spelling: For the most part your spelling and grammar are spot on.

Writing Style: You've done a fantastic job of capturing the "creation myth" style. It reads very much like an Aesop's fable or the like.

Overall Rating: 4.0 out of 5

Best wishes!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie
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Review of Ignited  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Initial Thoughts: As a longtime fan of teenage "paranormal" novels (I must have read every Christopher Pike book ever written when I was younger), I find your premise intriguing. The back story regarding the protagonist's repeated "rescues" by this mysterious stranger is something I don't recall having encountered before in this genre. That being said, I think you will need to be careful in your plot choices to ensure this doesn't fall into the category of "just another vampire/werewolf/teen witch" type of tale.

Characterization: I definitely enjoy your characterization of Alec. He reminds me of several boys I once knew back in high school. You knew they were trouble, but their charisma kept the girls coming back anyway. I am less sure of your characterization of the "stranger." Kris's obsession with him leads her to describe him as perfect, which we all know isn't possible. But then again, the teenage mindset, particularly of one who has gone through as much as Kris has, tends to have an "all or nothing" aspect. Everything is wonderful, or everything is horrible, that's just how it is. So on the one hand, it makes sense that Kris sees him as this incredible godlike figure, but on the other, you'll want to be sure to develop this mysterious character in such a way that his flaws become more apparent as the story continues.

Grammar/Spelling: Great job! I didn't find anything major, but there very well may be a few items I haven't noticed.

Writing Style: I feel that your straightforward style suits the YA genre very well.

Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Best wishes! I am interested to see where this story heads!

*Pawprints**Pawprints**Pawprints**Cat2* Amalie
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47
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed this little piece! Incredibly entertaining, and on a subject with which I can definitely sympathize. *Wink* Good job with finding such a fun way to incorporate the form. I had a LOT of trouble with mine, but it sounds like this one just came right on out for you, as the phrases don't seem hokey or jerky at all to me. Thanks for sharing!
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48
Rated: E | (3.5)
You've got me interested. I look forward to seeing where this might go! I very much like your voice, too, it's honest and not overly florid with unnecessary "prose padding." I can't wait to see what kind of storyteller you might be! I hope to read some more soon!
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49
Rated: E | (3.5)
Perhaps it makes me a bit morbid, but I felt extremely comforted by this short story. I, too, faced many days where I did not want to die, not really, just to disappear. To use your words, I wanted to rid myself of myself. Thankfully, I am in a much better place today, and I sincerely hope your narrator is as well. Thanks for sharing!
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