🌖 HuntersMoon's (huntersmoon) Reviews

🌖 HuntersMoon

Review Requests: OFF

3,125 Public Reviews Given

3,266 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Honest but encouraging

I use an outline (form)to make sure I've covered all the bases but within that, it's pure dialogue. Let's talk about your write.

I'm good at...

Short Stories and better at Poetry

Favorite Genres

All

301

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4030371

Review of THE SILENT HILLS

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Julie

Thought I'd forgotten, didn't you? LOL Sorry, been away taking care of family $#!&. Makes me wish I'd never have kids, sometimes. I feel like I'm pushing 70 and they're still in diapers

OK - let's talk about this terrific poem you wrote. I thoroughly enjoyed it although - based on what you wrote - I'm not sure about how "silent" those hills were. Sure sounds like there was a lot of noise going on.

I loved it. Great story, nice rhymes, smooth read. You can't ask for more. My only hesitation came at the end. She was killed by the beast and her ghost was clearly the central part of the story (Through the pouring rain, the ghostly figure stood. / It began to scream hard enough to wake the undead / and from the unholy screams, the beast soon fled.) and yet, at the end it was the "death and decay" of the beast that concludes the poem. I think you could either (1) make the beast crazy from the old woman's screams which would then make the ending fit better or (2) end it with "her" eyes still haunting the hills.

Other than that - you've written a great horror fantasy here. I always enjoy it when your creative side comes out! Great write!

Ken

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#4025346

Review of Evening Sky

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi 💙 Carly: poems & novel

It's just me, Ken and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Evening Sky"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
Sometimes, the simplicity of a poem can be its most powerful aspect. Your description of evening coming recalls those wondrous moments when nature takes our breath away.

Creativity/Impact:
Creativity is the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, and/or patterns and find meaningful new ideas and interpretations. Highlighting the beauty that surrounds us that is so often ignored does just that.

Message/Theme:
The theme is nature and message is one of awareness.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words

.

Title - Evening Sky - The title calls to mind the beauty of sunsets and the magical transformation that happens as you watch the sky darken and fill with the glory of the universe.

Grammar/Wording - This was easy to read and easy to understand the emotions contained. Nice use of descriptions to build the images of the evening sunset.

Form/Flow - Free verse is, despite its freedom, not entirely free. It still needs to feel like poetry, whether it's in the use of verses, poetic devices such as alliteration and fragmentation, or simply the use of poetic lines. That's what I look for when reading. I think you did a really good job of presenting this as poetry. Free verse is known for its "natural speech cadence" which you kept throughout.

Poetic devices - I enjoyed the alliteration (Cotton candy clouds) and use of assonance within the lines which added to the fluidity of the read.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this as I rediscovered the evening beauty in your words. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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303

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14 days may be credited.

#4024578

Review of Her Purest Tune

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi ♫~ Kenword~♫

It's just me, Ken and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Her Purest Tune"

. ♥ Jbradford is writing ♥

submitted your poem as one of her favorites in "Invalid Item"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
You've written an emotion filled poem and while you made it clear in the description that "Marsden's" relationship to Lilly is father/daughter, the descriptions make him very old and her very young. Are these just his memories? Just something to think about.

Creativity/Impact:
Creativity is the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, and/or patterns and find meaningful new ideas and interpretations. I think you've certainly done that with both the form you chose and with your tender wording. Well done.

Message/Theme:
The theme is the love shared by a father and daughter that doesn't diminish with the passage of time. I think many fathers will immediately connect with that.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your gentle words

.

Title - Her Purest Tune - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title hid a lot of the potential meaning that this poem actually delivers. It was open to many interpretations and I think that it will attract many readers who might otherwise pass it by.

Grammar/Wording - For the most part, this was easy to read and easy to understand the emotions it contained. I think you chose words that touch readers and that draw great images to the mind as they're read.

Form/Flow - You wrote this as a Saraband Sonnet, a form based on dance. I think the approach you took - music and dance - is perfect for this particular form. I did notice that you're meter varied quite a bit. In the description of the Saraband, they say "For the purist each line comprises of Eight (8) syllables but there are examples of Iambic and Trochaic pentameter also." I interpret this as the form requires a consistent meter. I think some of the unevenness of the lines breaks the flow a bit - but it doesn't diminish the emotion.

The use of near-rhymes rather than perfect rhymes (tune/costume, aging/facing) also tends to impede the flow.

Poetic devices - Good use of assonance (joyous voice filled with song) helps the flow and the reading, especially when read aloud.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this as I found a lot to identify with in your words. Your emotional content was strong and appealing. You're an excellent writer and I think you could focus a bit more on structure and use it to strengthen your message delivery. I encourage you to continue to read - to see other possibilities for structures and approaches, review - to look at what works and doesn't for you as a writer and to encourage others to visit your work, and write - because that's why we're all here. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1803691 Unavailable **

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304

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14 days may be credited.

#4021983

Review of The Calamity of Love

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

Hi Fhionnuisce

My name is Ken and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Calamity of Love"

.

I see you're new here. Let me be one of the first to say

Welcome to WDC!

I'm pleased you found us and I hope the journey you've embarked on will be fulfilling and, above all, fun. If you have questions, please feel free to drop me line anytime. I'd be happy to help. Now, on to the review -

First Impression/Thoughts:
Congratulations - it is both allegorical and humorous

In fact, for those of us married, it is also painfully true

Creativity/Impact:
Creativity is the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, and/or patterns and find meaningful new ideas and interpretations. I think you've certainly done that. Humor is a difficult genre and one that's under appreciated in poetry circles. Well done.

Message/Theme:
This is an extended metaphor (aka allegory) using driving a car as commentary on dating, betrothal, and ultimately - marriage.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your humorous words

.

Title - The Calamity of Love - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was a good advertisement of what to expect. Setting expectations is always important so that readers will enter your world of words with the right mind set.

Grammar/Wording - For the most part, this was easy to read and easy to understand both the tongue-in-cheek humor and the comparison to the stages of love. I was stopped by the word "binging" My first reaction was "what's adventuresome about searching the web and what's that got to do with cars?" Then I realized the root word was binge, not Bing

I'd bet I'm not the only one who'll be confused LOL The other thing I noticed is that you didn't use any punctuation. While that's common in free verse, in traditional poetry using punctuation is the norm.

Form/Flow - Written in quatrains with an ABCB rhyme, this flowed quite well. When using alternating line rhymes, I think it's important to use perfect rhymes to maintain the flow of the poem. In this, you used three sets of near rhymes {binging/never-ending, down/bound, and scary/married). For example, you could have used "bending" referring to the twists and turns instead of "binging." Something to consider.

Poetic devices - The use of allegory was an excellent vehicle (no pun intended

) for this type of humor.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this and quite enjoyed the humor. I encourage you to continue to read - to see other possibilities for structures and approaches, review - to look at what works and doesn't for you as a writer and to encourage others to visit your work, and write - because that's why we're all here. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1803691 Unavailable **

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305

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14 days may be credited.

#4021394

Review of Slipping off the Edge

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi vmc_4

My name is Ken and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Slipping off the Edge"

.

I see you're new here. Let me be one of the first to say

Welcome to WDC!

I'm pleased you found us and I hope the journey you've embarked on will be fulfilling and, above all, fun. If you have questions, please feel free to drop me line anytime. I'd be happy to help. Now, on to the review -

First Impression/Thoughts:
You've written an emotion filled poem that includes both your fears and speaks directly to "cutting" which is often used by young people as an escape from emotional pain. I hope this was allegorical and not actual. I peeked at your bio

and I hope that writing is your "blade" of choice.

Creativity/Impact:
Creativity is the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, and/or patterns and find meaningful new ideas and interpretations. In this kind of poem, you're really emoting to provide expression of emotions. Since these are you feelings, they are unique and that makes them creative.

Message/Theme:
There is a theme here: overwhelming emotions and how to deal with them. I hope, unlike your poem, you keep hanging on. I've found, over time, that the abyss you fear has a bottom and the ground gets a lot closer as you have more control of your life.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your dark words

.

Title - Slipping off the Edge - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was intriguing and called out to reader's to come inside and explore. Though often overlooked, the description line is part of the write and I thought you could have used it more effectively in clarifying the intent of the poem. Prepare the reader so they'll have an understanding of the context. Remember, while writing is a wonderful catharsis for the author, it's really about communicating with others. Readers won't have insight into your mind - only your words.

Grammar/Wording - For the most part, this was easy to read, easy to understand the emotions contained. The words you used to build the emotional content were good although, without context, I don't think I ever connected this with. Is this something emotional or a reflection of real world actions on your part or just your thoughts?

Form/Flow - Free verse is, despite its freedom, not entirely free. It still needs to feel like poetry, whether it's in the use of verses, poetic devices such as alliteration and fragmentation, or simply the use of poetic lines. That's what I look for when reading. I think you did a really good job of flowing as poetry. Free verse is known for its "natural speech cadence" which you kept throughout. In free verse, instead of punctuation, line breaks are used to add emphasis to the words, to focus the reader on where to pause and where to prepare for what follows.

Poetic devices - Your use of versification was effective keeping thoughts clear and differentiated. Your use of enjambment to carry the reader the from line to line was good.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

Although disturbing, I really enjoyed reading this. Your emotional content was strong and appealing. I encourage you to continue to read - to see other possibilities for structures and approaches, review - to look at what works and doesn't for you as a writer and to encourage others to visit your work, and write - because that's why we're all here. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1803691 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

306

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14 days may be credited.

#4020701

Review of Loss

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi kelly

My name is Ken and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Loss"

.

I see you're new here. Let me be one of the first to say

Welcome to WDC!

I'm pleased you found us and I hope the journey you've embarked on will be fulfilling and, above all, fun. If you have questions, please feel free to drop me line anytime. I'd be happy to help. Now, on to the review -

First Impression/Thoughts:
You've written an emotion filled poem although it's very ambiguous about whom you're writing about - a father, a brother, a lover? As you say, it could be interpreted on several levels but I think, without some focus, too many readers won't identify with it. The other thing that struck me was all the "white space." I always recommend looking at the writing, once posted, to see what it looks like on line. Writing in another program (such as Word) and pasting it into the site sometimes doesn't translate perfectly and you can end up with spacing and character issues.

Creativity/Impact:
Creativity is the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, and/or patterns and find meaningful new ideas and interpretations. I think you've done that. Well done.

Message/Theme:
The theme is one of loss, lamenting how the presence of "he" can be seen in the myriad of small occurrences that happen around us and still, it's an insufficient tribute.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words

.

Title - Loss - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title held a lot of the potential meaning and I felt this poem lived up to expectations. I noted that you used the "description" block to set expectations which I thought was excellent. Too many overlook this, forgetting that it's part of the whole presentation.

Grammar/Wording - For the most part, this was easy to read and easy to understand the emotions contained within. The opening line I thought was a bit awkward - Where the willows whisper as they blow ... "in the wind?" "under the influence of the breeze?" It just felt incomplete.

Form/Flow - Written as "free verse," I enjoyed the use of internal rhyme. Regardless of what others say, rhyme is allowed in free verse. What most are looking at is avoidance of "structured rhyme." Free verse is, despite its freedom, not entirely free. It still needs to feel like poetry, whether it's in the use of verses, poetic devices such as alliteration and fragmentation, or simply the use of poetic lines. That's what I look for when reading. I think you did well keeping this as poetry. The use of a sporadic rhyme added to the flow and feel of this. Well done - too many try and avoid it which is just silly. Free verse is known for its "natural speech cadence" which you kept throughout.

Poetic devices - Your use of a refrain - is the presence of he - was interesting but it began to feel repetitious by the end because you used it on every line. I tend to be a traditionalist when it comes to poetry so the internal rhyme was welcome

.

Emotion/Imagery - Good use of imagery - I found it strong and well used.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. Your emotional content was strong and appealing. I think you should focus a bit more on structure and use it to strengthen your message delivery. I encourage you to continue to read - to see other possibilities for structures and approaches, review - to look at what works and doesn't for you as a writer and to encourage others to visit your work, and write - because that's why we're all here. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1803691 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

307

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14 days may be credited.

#4020168

Review of Holy Spherions

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Tracey

Another terrific write to a challenging prompt. A bit of scifi, a bit of fantasy, a healthy dose of religion

and you've created a recipe for a touching story that captures the essence of Christmas in its original form. I enjoyed the subtle humor - "No, it's not a month of returning gifts that do not fit, or they don't care for." - that managed to bring a smile while still maintaining the serious nature of this piece. Overall, well done!

I found your take on this prompt absolutely perfect. It is, in fact, exactly what Marci wanted us to do - but some of us didn't LOL. As this is the last of the prompts and I can finally get my blood sugar down (I mean, just how much sugarplum fairies can one person take?

) let me say once more how much I enjoyed reading your creative and always entertaining writes.

Merry Christmas ... in July!

Ken

** Image ID #1991968 Unavailable **

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308

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14 days may be credited.

#4019963

Review of Christmas in July

for entry "12 Months of Christmas Project: Gifts of YOU"

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hiya Robin

Leave it you to find a unique way to celebrate 12 months of Christmas and to make it interactive while you're at it

Personally, I think I'll go with 12 months of June; animals seem to me to be the only ones worthy of so much kindness

Okay, maybe I'm being a bit harsh.

I found your take on this prompt absolutely perfect. It is, in fact, exactly what Marci wanted us to do - but some of us didn't LOL. As this is the last of the prompts and I can finally get my blood sugar down (I mean, just how much sugarplum fairies can one person take?

) let me say once more how much I enjoyed reading your creative and always entertaining writes.

Merry Christmas ... in July!

Ken

** Image ID #1991968 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

309

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14 days may be credited.

#4019609

Review of wondering soul

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi nhlanhla

My name is Ken and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "wondering soul"

.

I see you're new here. Let me be one of the first to say

Welcome to WDC!

I'm pleased you found us and I hope the journey you've embarked on will be fulfilling and, above all, fun. If you have questions, please feel free to drop me line anytime. I'd be happy to help. Now, on to the review -

First Impression/Thoughts:
You've written an emotion filled poem filled with angst and the questions of youth. I typically look at the author's bio to get a better understanding of who they are but your's, unfortunately, is blank so based on you writing, I'm going to have make some assumptions. If they're wrong, I apologize in advance

but the advice I offer is for the poet - not the woman.

Creativity/Impact:
Creativity is the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, and/or patterns and find meaningful new ideas and interpretations. Certainly, these are you feelings and therefore unique to you. As I read this, however, what I got was a lot of doubt; questions but no answers which I think you have

Message/Theme:
The theme is one of love and its uncertainties. I found it interesting that you wrote this entirely in the third person - "she" - rather than first person, "I," as though trying to distance yourself from the emotions.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your angst-filled words

.

Title - wondering soul - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title hid a lot of the meaning that this poem actually delivers. I'm sure some will look just to see what you're talking about. Since it is the only thing a prospective reader will see while scanning the list of items in a writers port, it serves as the advertisement of the writer's imagination. The description line can also be used to clarify what you are presenting and to build additional interest.

Grammar/Wording - For the most part, this was easy to read; easy to understand the emotions contained. As I mentioned, I thought it felt strained because you wrote in third person and yet the emotions were seemed yours. Just my impression

Form/Flow - I'd have to classify this as "free verse," although it really read more as prose. Prose is written or spoken language in its ordinary form, without metrical structure as opposed to the poetic form: free verse. Free verse is, despite its freedom, not entirely free. It still needs to feel like poetry, whether it's in the use of verses, poetic devices such as alliteration and fragmentation, or simply the use of poetic lines. That's what I look for when reading. I felt the structure here was closer to what you'd see in non-poetry writings.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I enjoyed reading this as I recalled my own confusion of youth (which, I'll share with you, really strained my memory LOL Yes, it was that long ago.) Your emotional content was strong and appealing. I think you should focus a bit more on structure and use it to strengthen your message delivery. I encourage you to continue to read - to see other possibilities for structures and approaches, review - to look at what works and doesn't for you as a writer and to encourage others to visit your work, and write - because that's why we're all here. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1803691 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

310

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14 days may be credited.

#4019128

Review of Christmas in July

for entry "Sara's World"

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Not without a few minor technical flaws, they pale in comparison to this lovely, touching story of Sara, her spirit, and her ability to gather life around her.

Really well done, Robin.

Ken

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

311

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14 days may be credited.

#4019030

Review of The Empathic Fairy

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Awww. How sweet

- positively diabetic, in fact! (Yes Tracey, I'm teasing you a bit LOL) This was a clever take on the prompt and very much in the fantasy genre. Nicely done.

Ken

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

312

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4018626

Review of Ode to Sir

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi April Desiree-I'm back!

It's just me, Ken (as if you didn't know

) and I chose to review your item today at your invitation. It's also part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Ode to Sir"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
Yep - your warning was correct. More implied than anything graphic

Creativity/Impact:
Creativity is the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, and/or patterns and find meaningful new ideas and interpretations. I think you've certainly done that. Dom/sub isn't a mainstream topic but I think you've handled it well.

Message/Theme:
The theme is Dom/sub relationships - not really BDSM per se. I really saw this more as foreplay

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words

.

Title - Ode to Sir - The title was interesting and hinted at the subject without any specificity. For those without a basic knowledge of what BDSM is and the terminology used, I think some readers will open this and go

. I hope they're smart enough to note it's adult rating. There are some real prudes out there

.

Grammar/Wording - Actually, I found this well spoken with the one exception of the word "hide" in line 3. It just seemed awkward to me although, in the context of this particular sexual orientation, it does work but not without some thinking. You could, instead, go with something like Imagining your hand, a forceful guide / that threatens more, me whispering "Please do." which would still keep the feel but might be more relatable? Just an idea

Form/Flow -Written as a Spenserian sonnet, I thought you did really well. The interlocking rhymes are perfect, the form well done, the overall flow excellent. Your use of iambic pentameter is also solid ... except for the first line of the couplet. "maid-en" switches the emphasis to trochee. Consider "Knight to my maiden you will always be;" That will keep the line iambic. Ending the line with a semicolon will make the final line a continuation of the thought and put the knight/maiden into context.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed accompanying you on this journey of fantasy (even if I did have to brush up on kinkiness to get in the right mindset LOL). Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1803691 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

313

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4018319

Review of A, B, C’s for Your Brain

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Ann Lapine

My name is Ken (you reviewed me earlier and I threatened promised to visit your port

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "A, B, C’s for Your Brain"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
Hey kid - I'm older than you!

Obviously, this is an article that's sure to attract a "more mature" audience so I'm your key demographic LOL. Interesting but short.

Creativity/Impact:
Creativity is the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, and/or patterns and find meaningful new ideas and interpretations. I think you've certainly done that with your ABC and DEFGHIJK as well

Message/Theme:
The theme is brain health for those getting older although it's clear it's applicable to any age person. A cohesive and clear write but I think you've slice this a bit thin. I wanted more than a sentence.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your enlightening words

.

Title - A, B, C’s for Your Brain - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title invited the reader in to explore your health advice. I'm sure some will look just to see what you're talking about. Since it is the only thing a prospective reader will see while scanning the list of items in a writers port, it serves as the advertisement of the writer's imagination. I'm glad to see you used the description line to clarify what you were presenting and to build additional interest. Well done

Grammar/Wording - For the most part, this was easy to read, easy to digest (even for us seniors

). There are several features available to you in formatting that have made the presentation more eye-catching such as drop caps to "call out" that you were using an alphabetic presentation. You may want to see what's available at "Enhance Your Item With WritingML"

.

Form/Flow - I did notice that there's a LOT of white space here. By using "bold" for your individual headings, you can cut down on some of that; it makes for a more readable and professional looking article.

Writing devices - Just as a thought; it struck me that you gave limited suggestions that could have been developed a bit. For example - under G: Grandchildren: What if I don't have any? How about the alternative, G: Good deeds: Volunteer work in schools can accomplish the same thing

. Remember, there's a broad audience that may read this and, where you can, you should offer suggestions that will appeal to as many as you can.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. Your concerns come through clearly and I found myself smiling as I accompanied you on this alphabetic journey. I think for a "newbie" effort, you did really well. That said, I think you could do better and I encourage you to read - to see what the possibilities are, review - to look at what works and doesn't for you as a writer and to encourage others to visit your work, and write - because that's why we're all here.

Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today. If you modify this and would like me to look at it again, I'd be more than happy to do so. See you around the site!

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#4017782

Review of Christmas in July

for entry "Christmas Magic at Keystone Camp"

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Robin -

Now this was a great story. I'm sure your great grandkids loved hearing it!

Never mind, of course you're not that old LOL I love the inclusion of the letters home. They brought such a sense of believability to this story. The detail in the story just brought me right into the Camp as I listened to Robin

and Jenny relate the story of their first Christmas in July. The making of presents and excitement was so realistic that I could see this as biographical rather than from the creativity of your mind - but I know better

. It definitely brought back memories of my own camp days.

Thank you for a great tale and for the happy memories ...

Ken

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#4017410

Review of Christmases Past

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Tracey ...

I think this picture tugged all of us into "Christmases past" which seems to be a recurring theme. It's such an odd picture and your tie-in to "The Scream" seemed to be a natural outgrowth of the out-of-kilter feel of it.

This was actually an interesting tale of the kind of things that can happen when you revisit the past and the memories begin to overflow. I really liked this and thought you did a great job of tying the image into this tale; the twist at the end only helped keep that "ghosts of Christmas past" feeling at the forefront of your story.

If I had to suggest something that would improve this, it's not in the story but the telling. I really wish you'd used a bit of internal dialogue rather than just narrative so I could have been "in" the story rather than just sitting on the sidelines. Minor, really, but something to think about.

Good to see you again

and I look forward to reading more of your entries.

Ken

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#4016938

Review of Christmas in July

for entry "One Hell of a Vacation!"

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Good Morning, Robin

Hell in a handbasket, huh?

Very punny story - I see we shared the same vision LOL. Well told and a fun read. They say nothing's funnier than real life and you've captured the spirit of Christmas and the Santa legend nicely with this cute story based on your own "neck of the woods." The playful interchange between Nick and Clara was realistic and natural and the dialogue kept the story moving nicely. I liked the subtle addition of the C.E.C. - almost deja vu like

- in working your signature into the piece.

Very clever and amusing. You're off to an amazing start with this tale.

Ken

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#4015331

Review of Charlotte's Lair

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Jimminycritic

Well, I'm back again. You've been a busy fellow - too much time just sitting around from what I read

- and so I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Charlotte's Lair"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
I think creating a book item is a clever idea - it will save room. The down side is that each review rates the book and not the individual items.

Creativity/Impact:
I liked that you made this a personal journey as keeper of "Charlotte's Lounge." Using the metaphor of sitting on the front porch was an excellent device for describing your duties and how you see yourself and what you do.

Message/Theme:
This was "biographical" in theme, relating your involvement with the Paper Doll Gang and the newcomers. I thought it was particularly telling: Most times, I get a friendly hello and almost never a goodbye. It seems you and the Maytag repairman have a lot in common

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words

.

Title - "Charlotte's Lair" is a great title and probably has more meaning for me than the average reader. I was pleased to see you explain it right up front so as to add clarity to the story.

Grammar/Wording - Nicely done. Although totally narrative you managed to keep the story moving right along. Technically, this is a good write which is the lowest standard I would expect from you.

Form/Flow - I think the flow of this was good - but I would have preferred you not write it in a single paragraph just for clarity's sake. You have several elements - what it is, the changes that seldom take place, the newbies dropping in, the challenges, and, of course, your clever link to your poem.

Emotion/Imagery - Nice use of metaphor to bring the feelings of the lounge into focus. The tone and descriptions made this feel more like a real place than a virtual one.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. I think, above all, you've brought me into a place that I haven't been in years and re-familiarized me with parts of the PDG "network" that I've pretty much overlooked. Thank you for sharing your insights and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#4012846

Review of Flea Market Day

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi DJane

My name is Ken (which I'm sure you know

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Flea Market Day"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
You listed this as "prose" but there's poetry in your words and images. There's a unique category of poetry called "prose poetry." It's been described as "“Just as black humor straddles the fine line between comedy and tragedy, so the prose poem plants one foot in prose, the other in poetry, both heels resting precariously on banana peels.”

.

Creativity/Impact:
I found this very creative, capturing the vibrancy of a crowded flea market day and bring to light the characters that abound in such a place.

Message/Theme:
Not every poem or write has a message (although, buyer beware may be hidden here

); the theme of the variety of life and the uplifting gestalt that's found in these market places is prevalent through out your words.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words

.

Title - "Flea Market Day" - A fitting choice and foreshadows the contents well. The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title invited the reader in to explore your observations on this unique American custom. I'm sure some will look just to see what you're talking about. Since it is the only thing a prospective reader will see while scanning the list of items in a writers port, it serves as the advertisement of the poets imagination. I think you used the description line as well to prepare the reader and set the tone of the write. Too many overlook this and yet it is an integral part of the write.

Grammar/Wording - Written in "natural speech" I found the words brought images and feelings that allowed me to participate as I walked through the market with you.

Form/Flow - Written as prose, there was no pretense of poetry, although I found much in your words. You relied on descriptions rather than metaphor to show the bustle of crowds, the calculations of the vendors, and the occasional oddity that brings a smile to the reader's face.

Poetic devices - I enjoyed the moments of alliteration (shirt, skirt, pants, suit or scarf ) although, for the most part, you avoided enjambment to pull the reader from line to line, instead relying on the power of imagery. I thought your use of assonance (looking for something to do) also made for a pleasing and flowing read.

Emotion/Imagery - Certainly, the descriptive elements found in this are strong and captivating.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. Your enjoyment of the carnival like atmosphere comes through clearly and I found myself smiling as I accompanied you on this journey. I think, if you will allow yourself to give into that hidden poet, you could steer a bit more poetic.

Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#4012555

Review of What Love Is This

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi 💙 Carly: poems & novel

My name is Ken (which I'm sure you know

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "What Love Is This"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
I love the Sonnet form and you've brightened my day just by posting this

Creativity/Impact:
Although prompt based, I thought you did a wonderful job in capturing "true love" in this flowing and emotionally charged sonnet.

Message/Theme:
This was an expressive response to the prompt. Your descriptions of the relationship based on love were a bit "smaltzy"

, reflecting what we all hope love will be but seldom is (Maybe that's just a "guy" point-of-view LOL). Your concluding couplet was effective in summing up the feelings woven into the poem. Overall, I think you did really well.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your tender words

.

Title - "What Love Is This" - A fitting choice and foreshadows the contents well. The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title invited the reader in to explore this world of yours. I'm sure some will look just to see what you're talking about. Since it is the only thing a prospective reader will see while scanning the list of items in a writers port, it serves as the advertisement of the poets imagination. I think you could have used the description line as well to prepare the reader and set the tone of the write. Too many overlook this and yet it is an integral part of the write as well.

Grammar/Wording - The choice of words, especially in a poetic form such as this is critical. I really felt you thought this through and found not only expressive words but also ones that kept the theme in play throughout. Great use of form and punctuation. One suggestion - in the first line of the couplet, consider a semi-colon after love - it's really two separate sentences.

Form/Flow - Written as an English Sonnet, you kept true to the form in structure. English sonnets are written in iambic pentameter - and while I admit to being "iambically challenged"

- there were a few lines where you switched to trochee (iambice is unstressed followed by stressed - trochee is just the opposite). such as in line line 2, verse 3: "Far reaching it does beguile, though not stray. If you're like me, I just don't hear the stressors and so when I write, I keep the dictionary open

Poetic devices - Nice use of metaphor (love ...blossoms red as rose) I thought your use of enjambment was very effective in pulling the reader from line to line. I liked your use of assonance (love blooms and grows) also, which made for a pleasing and flowing read.

Emotion/Imagery - Lots of emotion

but that's love for you LOL

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. Both in form and content, your feelings come through clearly and I found myself smiling as I accompanied you on this journey. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#4012336

Review of E-Mail

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Joy

My name is Ken (which I'm sure you know

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "E-Mail"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
You're a tough one

I had to search hard to find anything resembling "current" to review. I read through several of your poems and you're too good not to have anything written recently.

Creativity/Impact:
Poetry is taking the every day and finding the specialness in it.

The trials and tribulations of email certainly fits that category and you did just that with humor and an exasperation that all will identify with.

Message/Theme:
Written in a humorous vein, the wonders of technology are heralded in this missive about the joys of electronic mail - and our love affair with SPAM

.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your electronically reproduced words

.

Title - "E-Mail" I thought the title was both interesting and foreshadowing of the content. Certainly, it was immediately identifiable! The title is the first thing people will see when scanning your port and advertises the poet's imagination. "E-Mail" called to mind many possibilities and that provokes interest. I did find the description line a bit confusing - but it worked well to prepare the reader and set the tone of the write.. Too many overlook this and yet it is an integral part of the write as well.

Grammar/Wording - You've given us the language of email to make it easy to understand. Your use of examples was - such as references to Jet Blue, photos by the ton of vacations (you can't escape them any more

), and all the come-on lines, just highlighted the wonderful humor woven into this.

Form/Flow - Let me begin by saying free verse is, despite its freedom, not entirely free. It still needs to feel like poetry, whether it's in the use of verses, poetic norms, or simply the use of poetic lines. That's what I look for when reading. I think you did a really good job of keeping this in the poetry column. I thought the use of an opening refrain - adjusted with each verse - worked wonderfully to set up the verses. There was a bit of "poetic license" in some of the phrasing which I felt broke the "natural speech cadence" that free verse is know for. For example, at the end of verse 2, "after three minutes I've deplaned." Natural speech would have been "three-minutes after I've deplaned."

Poetic devices - I am a believer in rhyme, even in free verse and I enjoyed that didn't avoid it such as in verse 4: Next, E-Harmony, Christian Mingle / Don't they know I'm not single? I enjoyed the moments of alliteration (functional fare) and your use of enjambment was very effective in pulling the reader from line to line. I thought your use of assonance (Spellbound Pheromones, do I need testosterone) also made for a pleasing and flowing read.

Emotion/Imagery - This was written tongue-in-cheek and the warm humor of it wasn't missed.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. I found myself smiling as I accompanied you on this journey of frustration and imagination. Write more, more often! Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#4012306

Review of Wonderland

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Jeff

My name is Ken (which I'm sure you know

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Wonderland"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
To quote from the source, “You would have to be half mad to dream me up.” ~ Lewis Carroll Well met, my friend. Nicely done.

Creativity/Impact:
I saw this prompt and, to be honest, I wondered how you'd turn this dark. I'd never considered Alice as a version of "Hotel California"

but here it is. Very creatively done.

Message/Theme:
While the form is restrictive, I think the dark theme of this - caught in a land of madness with no escape - plays well and the repetition is purposeful.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your dark words

.

Title - "Wonderland" - I thought the title was both interesting and foreshadowing of the content. The title is the first thing people will see when scanning your port and advertises the poet's imagination. "Wonderland" called to mind many possibilities and that provokes interest. I think you could have used the description line as well to prepare the reader and set the tone of the write. The information is duplicated in your notes so really doesn't add anything. Too many overlook this and yet it is an integral part of the write as well.

Grammar/Wording - The choice of words, especially in a poetic form such as this that links back to the beginning of the poem is critical. I really felt you thought this through and found not only expressive words but also ones that kept the dark theme in play throughout. Great use of form and punctuation.

Form/Flow - Written as a Kyrielle Sonnet, you did generally well in keeping to the form. The Kyrielle is written in tetrameter (think 8 syllables per line) Verse 1, Line 3 has 7 syllables

Just pull the contraction apart and add a darkly descriptive word and you'll be on track. In the first line of the closing couplet, you mistyped the opening line which pushes it to 9 syllables. Simply remove the errant "the" and you'll have conquered the form

FYI - I wrote a Villanelle not too long ago - and left a whole verse out! When someone kindly pointed that out - all I could do was

LOL

Poetic devices - Beyond your word choice which held the theme beautifully, I enjoyed the moments of alliteration (welcome wondrous wonderland, deeper down) and your use of enjambment was very effective in pulling the reader from line to line. I thought your use of assonance (easy achieve) made for a pleasing and flowing read.

Emotion/Imagery - The imagery here is strong; the metaphor for madness is woven throughout your words. Excellent read.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. Other than a passing mental lapse

, you did a terrific job of taking this image and finding the darkness in it. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#4012258

Review of Patterns

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Geoff

My name is Ken. and I'm pleased to meet you

I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Patterns"

.

I see you're a recent "convert" to the site

. Welcome to WDC. I sincerely hope that you find whatever led you here and that you have discovered that we're a friendly and encouraging group.

Now, let's talk about your poem

..

First Impression/Thoughts:
As Shakespeare so aptly put it, "And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything." It's clear, Geoff, that you've been listening

I really love the idea of "Poems Through The Cabin Window." There is much to learn from nature - again

Our forefathers may not have been as well educated, but they were wiser for their closeness to nature.

Creativity/Impact:
I quite enjoyed this contemplation of nature and thought that sharing your reactions to the wanderings of forest beasties was both enlightening and well done.

Message/Theme:
The nature theme of this played well with the question you ask (but don't answer

). There is a subtle sub-message of learning through nature that I found rang true with me. I'll admit - I had to really stretch my mind to encompass the random tracing of birds, voles, and porcupines as "patterns," which I think of as more structured and repeatable. I don't think a vole, for instance, would cross a grassy area the same way each time but I do think his instincts would guide him the same way.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your delightful words

.

Title - "Patterns" - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was open ended, allowing for interpretation and therefore inspiring interest. I'm sure some will look just to see what you're talking about. Since it is the only thing a prospective reader will see while scanning the list of items in a writers port, it serves as the advertisement of the poets imagination. You did incorporate the title into the poetic content as well which I thought was an excellent use.

Grammar/Wording - "Gold, diamonds, rubies, emeralds, sapphires." Rich words that convey precise images are used to create a sense of the new world you imagine and underscores "A shimmering world made of dreams,"

Form/Flow - I always recommend that, once you've posted something, go back and look, line by line. In this case, the first thing the reader sees is where you inserted a command for centering and inadvertently, added a line break in the middle of it so the WritingML is visible. It's really distracting and readers will now be looking to see what else may have been missed rather than looking at the poem. Let me begin by saying free verse is, despite its freedom, not entirely free. It still needs to feel like poetry, whether it's in the use of verses, poetic norms, or simply the use of poetic lines. That's what I look for when reading. I think you did a really good job of keeping this in the poetry column. One note of caution for you - when writing short poems such as this, be sensitive to repetitive words such as "patter" in the voles walking and then in the refrain. The word patter means to scurry which is in conflict with "creeps" in the following line. Just food for thought

Poetic devices - Nice use of onomatopoeia in the first two verses which brings in additional senses to the poem.

Emotion/Imagery - Certainly, the imagery here is consistent with the nature theme. The scurrying porcupine was clear and I could see his chubby little waddle

.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. Your appreciation for nature comes through clearly and I found myself smiling as I accompanied you on this journey of experience and imagination. I think for a "newbie" effort, you did really well and I hope to read more of your collection. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#4012241

Review of SHE

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi BlackEmily

My name is Ken and I'm pleased to meet you

. I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "SHE"

.

I see you've just joined the site today! Welcome to WDC. I sincerely hope that you find whatever led you here and that you discover that we're a friendly and encouraging group.

Now, let's talk about your poem

...

First Impression/Thoughts:
I understand where you were heading with this ... but I don't think the journey's quite complete. The conflicts that you feel are evident and I think they came out in your approach and write.

Creativity/Impact:
Kahlil Gibran said "Poetry is a deal of joy and pain and wonder ... with a dash of dictionary."

I think you understood this and there's much to applaud in your poem. This was a sharing of yourself and that's about as creative as one can get.

Message/Theme:
Whenever I write, I begin with firmly setting a message in my mind so that my writing holds a consistent theme. Now, that doesn't mean I always end up where I started

; the vagaries of thought some time take down roads I never planned on taking. One of the things I've learned over the years is that I always go back and reread my work from a reader's point of view. This helps me with making sure my message stays true throughout my writing. I think you started this wanting - as your description says - "behind a she-beast lies a kindness within that no one can see." You wanted to express that there are two of you - the facade you present to the world and the woman inside. Somewhere in this write, your facade came to the fore and you ended this becoming the person who others see rather than projecting the inner person.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words

.

Title - "SHE" I thought the title was both interesting and revealing. The title is the first thing people will see when scanning your port and advertises the poet's imagination. "SHE" called to mind many possibilities and that provokes interest. As I read this, it was obvious that "SHE" was you - that's the revealing part. You used the description line as well to prepare the reader and set the tone of the write. Too many overlook this and yet it is an integral part of the write as well.

Grammar/Wording - I started by scanning your port, trying to get a sense of who you were - but there's nothing there.

Some of your language usage struck me as odd and didn't really make sense even in the context of your poem. A few examples:
** Verse 4, Line 4: "Why bedeviling them is her only fond." I guessing you meant "pleasure" but that isn't what "fond" means.
** Verse 8, Line 2: "She's an angel, but it's reel." I'm sure you meant "real"

Even then, the way you've written it makes it unclear which is real - the devil or the angel?
** Verse 9, Line 4: "No kindness since prelude." Again, I'm just guessing - you've not shown kindness to others since before you built up your facade?
Above all, poetry is about communicating. You really have to put yourself in the reader's shoes and make sure what you're trying to say is actually what's coming through your words. Confusion is the enemy of poetry.

Form/Flow - You began this as free verse but switched to rhyme then back again, then back again, then half and half.

. In the end, I think trying to rhyme made you use words that really didn't express what you were trying to say and I recommend you stay with free verse. In free verse, some of the things I look for are use of poetic norms - versification, imagery, metaphors - yes, even the odd rhyme

Purist will tell you rhyme is not part of free verse but they're wrong. It is, after all, free verse. Free verse relies on the the rhythm of natural speech and when you bend that to include rhyme, that's where the the issue lies. I think the flow of this was helped by using a verse format and my hesitations came more from what I saw as message confusion. Are you showing the woman or the facade? Which one is speaking to me?

Emotion/Imagery - Certainly, the emotion here is strong and captivating. And, in fact, that may be just what got in the way. Sometimes, we get so wrapped in our emotions while writing we lose sight of of the fact that the reader doesn't have the same feelings - only what we offer them through our words.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. Your enthusiasm comes through clearly and I found myself applauding your honesty as I accompanied you on this journey. I think for a "newbie" effort, you did really well. I hope you'll revisit this after the feelings die down and try and see it with a stranger's eyes. I think you'll see something different

. Feel free to send me a link and I'll be only too happy to look at it again if you choose to modify it. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#4011603

Review of Voyager

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Escape Artist

My name is Ken (which I'm sure you know

and this one of three reviews. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Voyager"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
Wow. If I had picked this up at a book store and read this opening chapter, you'd have just sold yourself a book

Creativity/Impact:
You had me hooked from the beginning. The story line was unique and gripping. Excellent writing. I've done a lot of reading and reviewing over the years and - honestly - this was the best I've read.

Message/Theme:
This is the opening salvo

to an action/adventure tale. You've done an excellent job of weaving in Ivan's back story while setting up the main plot - survival in a new world.

Technique/Technical Notes:
Descriptive images bring the reader into the cramped hull of the Albatross and set up the initial conflict. The flow of the story is well paced, allowing the reader time to settle into the story and suspend reality. Nice use of dialogue to bring in the secondary characters and help solidify who Ivan is. I thought the use of his journal, to clarify his own feelings and values, was excellent. Your talent shines and your attention to detail shows both in the finesse of your story and in its polished readiness.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

An thoroughly enjoyable read. I hope there's more

because I will be following the adventure of Ivan as far as you're taking it. Thank you for sharing your talent and imagination with me.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

325

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4011583

Review of Good-Bye

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Construct Cup Contestants & GP...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Sarah Rae

Really well done - and, as you may have picked up over the past month

I'm not a fan of free verse. This contest has made me do a lot more research on what free verse is. From my perspective, I look for a poetic flow and some elements of traditional poetry, primarily metaphor, simile, and imagery that support the theme of write. I try and understand the "why" of the write - why did you break the line here? what images are you trying to create and do they support the overall story/theme of the poem? It's subjective; does it "feel" like poetry. To me, this was all poetry and I really felt like you let the phrasing flow in a natural way.

It's been an interesting month - and I thank you for being a great traveling companion. I've enjoyed your talent and imagination.

Be well

and keep writing ...

Ken

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .