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1,392 Public Reviews Given
2,269 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
In depth, detailed, and honest. I always point out the things I enjoyed most about an item, highlighting the strengths along with any weaknesses or glitches I might find. To me, it's important to let a writer know how something made you feel and what reactions you had when reading, not just the technical aspects.
I'm good at...
Characterization, punctuation, plot, and grammar.
Favorite Genres
Anything dark and angsty. Horror, erotica, dark dramas are usually my favorites.
Least Favorite Genres
Westerns, Sci-Fi, and comedy.
I will not review...
Poetry and non-fiction. I read these for pleasure alone. I don't know enough about the technicalities to give a decent or useful review. Any comments I send are always just based on my personal reactions as a reader.
Public Reviews
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Review of Mark's Terror  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Ello Joe Schmoe and welcome to WDC! *Bigsmile* I came across your story in the read a newbie column and had to take a look. I really like the title and description you gave. They jump out and raise a lot of questions, which is what made me want to read it!

My Initial impressions of "Mark's TerrorOpen in new Window. This is a very sad tale about friendship lost. I can't imagine what it must be like to witness such an event first-hand, nor to have it happen so suddenly. You have a good foundation here.

The characters: The story is told from the narrator's standpoint in first-person POV. Not much is known about him, but I'm assuming he's a young man, probably in his late teens. The same goes for Mark, who is the narrator's best friend.

This is where I hit my first hitch as a reader. There's nothing wrong with it as is, per say, but I wanted to know more about these characters, especially Mark.It may sound callous, but it was hard to truly care that he died when I knew little to nothing about him. For example, what kind of friend was he? Was he protective and loyal? Was he a jokster that always made people laugh? Did he have a little sister or brother that idolized him? Was he a party boy? What sort of dreams and ambitions did he have? An artist? A jock? Ivy leauge schools? What sort of things did they share? What had they gone through together or how long had they been friends?

These are just little details that you can infuse in the form of memories or thoughts that will really help the reader bond with these characters and connect. If we know the characters, we can care and feel for them.

Setting/Plot: The tale unravels on the side of a dark road. Not much else is known about the surroundings.

I had a lot of questions here, too. Were they in a country setting with fields around them or woods? Was it an urban or rural setting? What surrounded them? Little details here like smells, sights, and sounds would go a long way to giving your readers a better picture of where they are at.

The plot serves as a solid foundation here. It's a tale about two boys walking home from a party when something goes terribly wrong. I don't see any weaknesses here.

Style & Voice: The author has a very simple style and a clean, concise voice. It's a minimalist style, which happens to be very popular among fiction readers.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I think you used some great shock effect here. The opening was strong, meaning you grab the reader's attention right away. Not many stories start with a dead body lying right there in front of you! Great opening hook. I also think you ended things on a solid note. It evokes a ripple of chills and unease and unsettles the reader, making it hard to just move on and forget about. *Thumbsup* Excellent work here.

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
Notes for suggestions made above. I did wonder, shaking knees aside, what else the narrator saw and felt when Mark got hit. Did his heart sink in his chest or feel like it was ripping in two? Did he flashback to all the times they had shared? Did he break out in a cold sweat or feel sick to his stomach? Just some examples of showing the reader and enveloping them, making them feel and see things as your character does.

*Bullet* Here, you say: "I couldn't move but my knees shock."
I think you meant shook. Easy slip of the fingers. *Wink*

Note: These are only my honest opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you wish. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created! *Smile*

Parting Thoughts: This was a good read with a lot of potential. Getting the structure in place is the hardest part. Your plot is solid and a good one at that. Overall, I think you have the foundation laid for a great story, but it needs more fleshing out . . .more meat on the bones, so to speak. This isn't to say the story was bad. Far from! With a little more work and detail, this will be fantastic. Please feel free to let me know if you have any questions, or if you make any revisions, as I would be happy to take a second look and adjust my rating.
~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
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Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ello Hyperiongate. *Smile* I came across your article while browsing the public review page. The challenges of flash fiction have long baffled me, therefore, I couldn't help taking a peek.

My Initial impressions of "How To Write Good Flash FictionOpen in new Window. I came here looking for help, and I got it. This is a very clear and clever guideline for those of us seeking advice to follow. You made your tips easy to follow, but also injected humor that made this a fun learning experience. You get the best of both worlds here!

When reading articles, it's always important to me to walk away feeling like I have learned something, or discovered a new POV I hadn't thought of before. You delivered the goods. After reading this, I feel confident I could at least give this challenging forray a try!*Thumbsup*

The Layout: Very nice. The goal is clearly stated and followed. Each subdivision, or tip is presented in a clean manner and accented from the rest of the text. It made it easy to keep track of and follow the divides.

Content: Extremely useful. You give several fantastic tips and great advice for all writers to follow, not just those delving into flash fiction. You cover everything from grammar to suggestions for following prompts. You stayed on topic at all times and educated without sounding preachy or pompous---both of which are major put-offs!

Style & Voice: Down-to-earth and sprinkled with lively bits of humor, this is an article people will enjoy reading. It's clear-cut and easy to follow.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* Oh, geez! It was really hard to choose. this is one of those things that you comment out loud to as you read along. I really liked your point about grammar (though I notice those 5 in novels just as much if not more so, because they AREN'T supposed to be there!) and eating the whole chicken. I'd really like to do that someday. *Laugh*

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
I've thought long and hard here, but I really have nothing to offer. I didn't notice any mistakes. I really enjoyed reading this, and it served it's goal to the fullest. Excellent job.

Parting Thoughts: I wish I wasn't on vacation and obligated to do things here. I'd really love to put some of this newfound wisdom to the test. At any rate, this is a wonderful asset and I'm sure it will come in most handy for future reference. Thanks for the education and for sharing your tricks of the trade!
~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
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Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Ello, Suzannah *Smile*. I came across your story and I have to admit, the title and description had me too curious to pass this by! After reading this short story, I don't think you could have summed it up any better.

My Initial impressions of "Beyond Redemption.Open in new Window.: What a wonderful read! I absolutely loved the tension, mystery, and suspense this tale held. The characters have a very unique voice suited to the setting and both played off the other wonderfully. This is a fast moving tale that doesn't give the reader time to become bored. In fact, it pretty much keeps you perched on the edge of your seat. Great work!

The characters: Sam is a tough-as-nails, no nonsense type of chick. the reader gets that impression right off the bat. She's self-sufficient, having lived by herself and taken care of her mother's vast estate all these years. I also really liked the bond and relationship she had with her two beloved guard dogs. It lent her a soft, human side I don't think the reader would otherwise see. Her trust in fellow mankind is displaced, and as a result, Sam can come off as a bit gruff and guarded toward them. However, she loves her animals! Great characterization.

Ben . . . well, not much is known about this mysterious drifter at first. I loved the dialect you gave him. He sounded like an authentic rancher to me, which made the story very believeable. Ben comes across as very genial and good-natured. However, not too long after he arrives, it becomes clear he has an ulterior motive! *Shock*

Setting/Plot: The setting in this story is wonderful It takes place on a secluded ranch in the valley. You did an amazing job painting a picture for the reader, right down to the crisp smell of rain heading in. It's exotic, yet familiar enough that people will relate. Great work!

I loved the plot. I wondered at first what Sam was up to . . . then sat on the edge of my seat as I tried to figure Ben and his gun out. It's a gripping plot filled with clever twists and turns that will keep the reader guessing and on the edge of their seat. Very well played out.

Style & Voice: The only complaint I had about the style was there being a lot of fragments . . but I will explain this below. Otherwise, I think this had great style and voice. It was fast-paced and easy to read, yet you also include great descriptions. It's clean and concise, yet beautifully written.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I absolutely loved your fabulous descriptions. I could see and smell the lush plants and rolling valley. It was enthralling!

Oh me, oh my! What a devious and wicked ending. *Smirk* This was also high on my list of favorites. It was a wonderful plot twist and even gave me an unexpected rash of gossebumps!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
~Lush gold, white, and brilliant red Hibiscus. Interspersed with fragrant Frangipani trees--wound down and around
I think this is an awkward stop here. The first sentence is a fragment. It might read better as:
*Bullet* Lush gold, white, and brilliant red Hibiscus interspersed with fragrant Frangipani trees--wound down and around

~Pulled on his faded jeans and a white T shirt.
Two things here. It might read better if you said Ben pulled on his faded jeans, or he . . . the other is, I could be wrong but I think T-shirt is hyphenated. *Wink*

~He fixed himself a J.D neat and tossed it back.
If you don't want the reader to lump it all together as JD neat and then have to re-read to clarify it, you might want to consider adding some kind of pause.
*Bullet* J.D., neat, OR J.D.--neat, and

~Sam had had a breakdown. Convinced that her mother had deliberately gone down to the creek that night. Knowing full well what would happen.
The last two are fragments. My suggestion would be to combine two or three of the above for smoother reading.
*Bullet* Sam had had a breakdown, convinced that her mother had deliberately gone down to the creek that night knowing full-well what would happen.

~"If you're sure Sam?"

"Ben; I'm always sure. Goodnight."

In the second line, you use a semi-colon after Ben. Semi-colons are only used when combining two complete sentences related to each other. Ben is not a complete sentence capable of standing on it's own. My suggestion is to replace the ; with a comma.
*Bullet* "Ben, I'm always sure."

~The next morning dawned fiery-red. Promising another scorching hot, sticky November day.
Promising another scorching hot, sticky November day doesn't make much sense on its own, making it another fragment. Again, I would combine the two for eas flow and understanding.
*Bullet* The next morning dawned fiery-red, promising another scorching hot, sticky November day.

There are many fragments, both up to this point and after. Rather than point them all out, I think I will just mention that a full sentence should be able to stand on it's own and make sense, having a subject and verb. While a few are okay here and there (especially in dialogue, as that is how we often speak), in excess, they become confusing. Most of the ones you have could be clarified and cleaned up by inserting a comma instead, just as shown in the above examples. *Smile*

Note: These are only my honest opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you wish. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created.

Parting Thoughts: I would definitely reccommend this to anyone out there looking for a great story to read. Not only is it fun, but it will keep you guessing what is going to happen until the very end. I have to admt that the full implications of the story and just how clever Sam is did not FULLY hit me until this very moment. It's a great story about how betrayl can impact a person for life. In essence, it really is a story about things being way 'beyond redemption.' *Thumbsup*
~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
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Review of God, Who Are You?  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a beautiful and thought provoking piece you have here, intuey! I have asked this more than once in my life and come up with similar answers. There is such beauty and peace in these words that it is hard to describe.

I think the free-form works well for this poem, as I can't imagine trying to constrain or meter out lines such as these. They are honest and forthright, and much like nature itself, shouldn't be contained.

The style and voice are smiple, pure, yet beautiful. You use vivid descriptions to describe the sky and the light . . . not just the physical light, but the one that radiates within each one of us. The use of quotations makes it easy to understand and draws a clear lline between speak and vision.

The content, no matter what one's belief is, gives one pause for thought. We are all connected in one way or another. The most valuable lesson, and the only real impact we make or learn here on our time on Earth is to love one another and to treat each other with kindness. These are the impressions we make and leave as we go.

Beautiful work. Thanks for sharing and best wishes!
Adriana *Moon*
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Review of Grendel Rising  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ello, SyntheticGod Author Icon! I came across your story while browsing the dark items WDC offered and couldn't help but stop by for a peek! What a journey young Grendel has! *Thumbsup*

This was an amazing chapter! I was spellbound from the first paragraph and you held me entranced to the very end. The quality of writing is very high, exceptional, really! The pacing was neither too fast, nor too slow, as you took your time delivering details but did not bog down the flow of the story. I could see, feel, hear, and smell everything that went on and that makes for the best kind of story, when the reader feels they are part of the experience.

My heart broke as the story began, aching for the young boy and the loss of his dog. this was a clever way to form a connection with your audience from the start. However, we don't dwell long on his sorrows, as the action kicks in unexpectedly and we watch in horror as the young boy's villiage is burned to the ground.

I loved the wording, the fluid descriptions, and the intense plot line you are weaving here. This is very well-written, a suspenseful horror, and I definitely look forward to seeing where this tale leads!

Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana
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Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ello EvilDawg - Vigilante Ranger!! Author Icon *Smile* I came across your story, "Embodiment of GraceOpen in new Window., while browsing through the dark items featured on WDC. The title and description piqued my interest, and I was happy to see they fit the item well!

My Initial impressions: What a delightful read! I really loved the descriptive power you wielded in this story. I could feel the same magnetic pull Faye exuded over her audience in the bar. She really was something to behold!

An entertaining, fast-paced read, I think fans of erotica and horror would be equally delighted with this sorrid tale. You cross-mingle the two in a fluid read that both captivates and enthralls. Well done.

The characters: You did a fantastic job describing Faye, but I would have liked to see a little more of what her male victim looked like too. *giggles* Being a female, I'm greedy like that. Though I imagine him to be quite tasty!

Faye is the empitomy of all things female and tantalizing. She was fascinating to watch, and I liked the mystery as I wondered what she was up to. We don't know much about her past, but as the story unfolds, her future becomes quite clear.

Setting/Plot: This story takes place in a restaraunt and ends in a car. The scenery was very clear and easy to imagine. I liked the posh setting and luxurious surroundings.

The plot...ahh. It is an age-old tale, warning against the powers of evil seduction. Though I saw where this one was headed, I still enjoyed the ride!

Style & Voice: You have a wonderful voice and style. It's rich and flowing, the perfect compliment to a piece such as this. It envelops the reader and surrounds them, making them feel a part of the experience.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I loved the descriptions of Faye in the beginning of the story. I was completely mesmerized and a bit envious! Very well done!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
like a lover exploring her partners body.
partner's body
You need an appostrope here to show the possessive tense. The body belonging to the partner.

~ black suit and tie with a drivers cap
driver's cap
Same as above.

~ He eyed Faye several times in the mirror and nodding with an unspoken agreement.
There's a tense shift with the verbs here that makes it a bit awkward. Perhaps try: and nodded with unspoken agreement.

You may want to consider trimming just a few of the adverbs and replacing them with stronger actions. They were a wee bit heavy at times. Just a thought.

Note: These are only my honest opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you wish. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!

Parting Thoughts: This was a really good, fun read! I enjoyed visiting your port and falling under a brief spell. I'd recommend this to anyone who enjoys the erotic aspect of vampires, or just a good story in general. Thanks for sharing! *Thumbsup*
~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
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Review of Mistaken  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ello billwilcox *Smile* As promised, I'm here to read the finished product with a fresh pair of eyes. Thanks to you, I'm itchy and feeling a bit slap happy, and it's not yet noon!

My Initial impressions of "MistakenOpen in new Window.: Wow! I have to admit, I never saw the twist this story had at the end coming! You blindsided me there, Bill, and that's pretty hard to do!

I love the changes you made and the added content was absolutely wonderful, too! This is one story that will hold arachnaphobs as captive as a spider itself. It's fast-paced, tense, and utterly terrifying.

The characters: Simon and a spider. Man, oh man. *Worry* Here I was feeling sorry for this "nice guy." He came across as very likeable, even if he was a bit nervous and twitchy. Simon seemed like the kind of quiet sort you passby a million times on the street and never notice. In this case, I'm pretty sure that would be a good thing!

Your spider was...terrifying. I can still see it in my head and I hate it!

Setting/Plot: The story shifts between Simon's hotel room and the pharmacy. Both places were well-described giving the reader a clear image of their surroundings. You also play well off the five senses throughout the course of this tale. Feel, smell, sight, sound are all thuroughly explored. Great job!

The plot is fast-paced and riveting. One will be hard-pressed to look away or stop once they start this tale. One of the most horrifying aspects is when the plot takes a sudden twist and we learn what happened to simon as a child. The encounter he had then with a spider . . . I may just never open my mouth again. Bill, I can feel it in my own throat! *Shock*

Style & Voice: You have a unique style and voice your audience will recognize at once as yours. Your writing is always very clean and to the point, yet wonderfully descriptive.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* *itches* I'm really at a loss here...I'm still kinda tweaking in my chair. Voice and flow aside, I'm going to have to say the wicked twist at the end. You caught me offguard!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
I'm really not sure here, but I did think I would bring it up, just in case. *Wink* stumbled-face
I'm not sure how or if a face can stumble. Did you maybe mean stubbled?

Note: These are only my honest opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you wish. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created! *Smile*

Parting Thoughts: You penned another marvelous tale, Bill! I will send you the bill for the therapy I may be needing later. I'd love to feature this one in my next NL, if you don't mind. Thanks for sharing your amazing work with us! *Thumbsup*
~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
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Review of Mistaken  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Bill, you and your spider stories are going to be the death of me! I know you get some sick, twisted pleasure out of knowing how bad these things make me squirm. *Laugh*

As always, your descriptions are concise, but nothing short of vividly horrifying. All too clear and real, if you ask me! You caught the paralyzing terror one feels when in the presence of these vile creatures...and to make it worse, you caught the mannerisms of the spider right down to the twitchy legs. *slaps at my own in a fit of panic*

The true moment of madness was when it crept along his face before biting Simon. I nearly had to close the page. But, no, I kept reading, imagining all to well, that I, too, would be frantic and pinching my flesh, if not laying there twitching in the after-throes of a heart attack.

Then, you go for the kill. The man's flesh is sloughing off in his hands and he is still not content. I wonder what horros await. Was it a black widow? A funnel spider? Or is this all simply his own doing?

You weave wonderful (maddeningly horrifying) tales, my friend. I look forwward to seeing where this one leads. Be sure to tell me when you are finished so I can adjust my rating, as I am sure it will be perfect then. Thank you so much for sharing your work and pointing me this way.
~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana
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Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very interesting poll, Jeff Author Icon! It took me a long time to deliberate my answer on this one. I've been involved with the chatroom protocal for this in the past and know how much emphasis is based on the use of Caps and lowercase letters. However, I don't think such filters over into writing. For instance, I've read several published works that revolve around the D/s aspect and none of them follow this protocol. Words in these novels are published as they should be in any other genre or situation. I think having a knowledge of the standards is good, but it should not carry over to everything else. For instance, a sub would not write out reports or memos for work using 'i". Just some food for thought.....
Thanks for sharing and best wishes! *Heart*
Adriana
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Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ello, Yellow Rose Author Icon *Smile*

What a beautiful poem! It has very strong imagery, as I could envision this man so well, and also feel the love felt for him. It is an emotional piece that will play on the heart strings of readers, and perhaps evoke similar yearnings as well. I found this very well-written, and I admit, I find it hard to read and review most free verse pieces.

I absolutely loved this part:
A voice calm and soothing from a gentle soul
Rough hands that knew and loved God’s land
His arms wrapped around me with such confidence

You said so much with so few words here. Perhaps I am wrong, but I got the image of a farmer here, one who made his living by toiling outdoors, or perhaps he was just a big fan of nature. Either way it evokes the picture of one physically strong and soulfully gentle. *Heart*

There is a hint of loss at the end. It wraps things up on a beautiful but bittersweet note. I have no suggestions for improvement here. Steller job!
Thanks for dropping by my port.
~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana
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Review of Freak  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ohhh, Bill! Truly worthy of the 5 stars it boasts! What stunning and provacative imagery you have in this piece. I could scarcely keep from squirming in my own chair as you described Raheesha and the crippling disease she faced. *shudders*

Fast paced and gripping, this is one bit of flash fiction that will stick with the reader and haunt them long after they've finished. It's terrifying, especially since conditions like this do exist. Yet, at the same time, you empathize with her, being forced to make a living among the outcasts of the world, reduced to being nothing more than aa side show attraction.

I've always been a fan of your writing, but this story cements just how powerful your words are and the amazing ability you have to paint a picture for your audience...once that they won't soon forget.

I think I hear the pulsing drums . . .
~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana
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Review of Savior  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ello Eva White Author Icon

*Smile* I came across "SaviorOpen in new Window. while browsing for short stories to read. I have to admit, I found your title quite intruiging and hinting at it being a twisted tale had me giddy with excitement! It's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you.

Initial impressions: You started the story off with a bang. (No pun intended..heh) From the first paragraph, I was hooked. I wanted to know why, why this girl was scarred and chained, kept like an animal in the darkness. The suspense in this story was wonderful, and you kept my eyes glued to the screen from start to finish. Very well done!

The characters: I had to giggle at the antagonist. His name, Paul Walker immediately made me think of a rather handsome actor. *Wink* I'm not sure if that was your intention here or not, as it seems it would be a fairly common name and no physical description of him is given, other than him having a smooth forehead. What I did note was he was instable. I mean, you kinda have to be to kidnap another person, right? That aside, he came across as very calm and level-headed. To me, that always makes people much more chilling than if they screamed, ranted, or cursed. Sophisticated bad guys are the best!

At first I thought Sarah was an adult. But by the time I saw the drawing, I came to understand she was much younger. This fiery redhead has the will and smarts to survive. She came across as very sweet-natured and loving, despite all she has been through.

The FBI really plays a minor role in this tale, acting more as a catalyst for events. Shocking, shocking events. *Thumbsup*

Setting/Plot: We don't know much about the surroundings, other than the place is kept dark. It's Paul's secret hideaway, the place where he keeps Sarah prisoner. I think you did a good job getting sparce details across so the reader has a mental image of things, without weighing the story down.

The plot takes several turns and twists. The arrival of the FBI was sudden and unexpected. The end, well that is sure to blow some reader's minds, but in a good way. I'd definitely have to say there's a major case of Stockholm Syndrome playing a key role in the plot. *Bigsmile*

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I loved the wicked twist at the end, sad as it may have been. However, I'm a firm believer not every story should have a happy ending.

There were also some wonderful writing gems in your story as well:

~Such a small thing that ended his life; a small hole that seemed to, for a moment, stop time. And then set it racing again as if someone had taken their finger off the pause button.
I loved how you described that. What wonderful wordsmithing!

~his blood crept along the wooden floor in thin red fingers
Another fantastic way to paint a visual!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
~ Probably scream.He hated it
You're missing a space here after the period.

These aren't really suggestions, per say, but as a reader I found myself wondering how long she had been held prisoner by Paul, and what his motivation for taking her was. Was he just lonely? Could he not have children, or was she to be some sort of romantic companion. *Blush* Like I said, not suggestions, really, just some things I was left wondering at the end.

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you wish. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note**Smile*

Parting Thoughts: I thought this was a wonderful story and very well-written. Intense, fast-paced, and gripping, it's well worth taking a few minutes to read! I really enjoyed your plot and the struggle your characters faced. *Thumbsup*
Best wishes and happy writing!*Heart*
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Review of Venom's Kiss  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ello, journalmethis Author Icon, and welcome to WDC! *Bigsmile* I saw your story listed in the Read-a-Newbie column and just had to take a peek. I thought I had a fairly good idea what you were talking about from your description, I was just hoping I was wrong.

*Shock* E-gads! I almost had a heart attack myself reading this! You have great descriptive power. I could see and feel each creepy little movement and I think I was just as horrified as our poor protagonist was in the story! You did an amazing job describing the spider and it's tortorous decent. *shudders*

I thought Gremlin was a really cute name for a cat. It kind of made me think of a persian or something, one of those big ones with the scrunched in face.

One thing I really wondered about as a reader was the end. I liked the frantic, panic enduced feeling you conveyed here. It fit the content and situation really well. but then, I started wondering. Were the hundreds of white spiders really there, or were they figments of the narrator's imagination. Bugs . . . or paramedics dressed in white. I'm not sure if this was the effect you were going for here or not, but the confusion (at least on my part *Laugh*) worked well given the spreading toxins!

I like your descriptive style and the way you worded things. This was one of my favorite lines: They come in the night while you sleep, ready to take your life the second you move a bit too quickly for their taste. *Shock* Eeeek! Did you know the average person also swallows seven spiders a year in their sleep? *shudders* You play on that fear well here and this was a chilling line and a good opening hook.

Below are just a few small suggestions I had based on my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you wish!

*Bullet* a single black widow made it's
its way

*Bullet* it's deadly fangs
its
It's is a contraction for it is. Its is used when showing something's posession. IE: its fangs

*Bullet* stopped dead in it's tracks
its
As explained above.

*Bullet* off my cloths
I think you meant clothes. Cloths are fabrics, such as cleaning rags. *Wink*

*Bullet* I came eye levels
eye-level

*Bullet* Was I having a seizure?!
I know sometimes it is hard to show the mixture of shock and questions that overwhelm people at times, but it is best to try to avoid using double, or triple punctuation whenever possible. Teachers and editors alike tend to frown on this.

Overall, this was a really good short story! You scared me senseless, that's for sure! In fact, I'm still itching at myself. *Laugh* Thanks for the chills and thrills, and for sharing your work here with the rest of us. If you have any questions about this review or the site in gerneral, feel free to e-mail me and ask away. Again, welcome to WDC and best of luck with all that you do!

~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana

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Review of Please Dad  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ello, Kilo Pomeroy Author Icon, and welcome to WDC! *Bigsmile* I saw your poem listed in the Read-a-Newbie column and just had to take a peek!

I think the title and description of this piece work very well. After all, they are what drew me into this piece. This part did confuse me a little though: and it felt he was to me.
what is it?

You have a very emotional poem here that will tug at the hearts of your readers. I could feel the weight attached to these words, the joy you felt in youth, the feeling of security only dads and their strength can bring, and then the profound sense of loss at the end. I'll admit, this had me tearing up quite a bit, as it is a powerful piece of work. *Thumbsup* Well done.

No one ever wants to be able to relate to a piece of work like this, but I feel there are many out there who will read these words and feel as if they share them with you. Perhaos this is part of where the hurt can lessen some and healing can begin. Thank you so much for sharing your work, and again, welcome to WDC!

~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana

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Review of On Reviewing  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ello, robert_pearle. I came across your article "On ReviewingOpen in new Window., and after reading it, found I had a few things to say.

Fisrt off, though I don't agree with all of what you have to say here, it is very well-written and does carry a strong ring of truth. Here, you cover two different aspects of reviewing that you consider "bad" or not helpful to the author. Since reviewing is based soley on the opinions of the reader, and opinions vary vastly from one person to the next, most comments are subjective. If one reflects honestly upon this piece, they can easily see how some comments may be "useful" and others perhaps not as much. I just think "bad" might be a bit harsh of a term. *Wink*

As a writer, it is easy to disagree with a lot of the comments we receive on any given piece. That is why it's important to remember these are the opinions of other people: comments meant to be taken with a grain of salt. This really came to mind when reading your rebuttals to the first review. True, fictional worlds do not adhere to our standards . . . as readers of fiction, our job is to be able to suspend our belief for a short time and immerse ourselves in the world we are reading about, no? However, one comment you made struck a powerful chord with me, regarding the "audience" itself:

Better yet, the reviewer has appealed to the author's interest: "not all audiences will respond to this". What author wants exclude an audience?
*Confused* The truth is, no matter how hard anyone tries, you will never be able to please everybody. There are specific genres or types of stories geared toward specific audiences, and these readers will gravitate to what interests them. I don't think any writer should ever compromise the true vision they had in mind at the risk of offending or displeasing someone else. It's impossible to please everyone and someone will always be offended. If not by what was said, then what wasn't. *Laugh* To try and please everybody is impossible and will only lead someone to drive themselves crazy. It's best for writers to write for themself first and then worry about the target audience they hope to please.

Some writers here are new and haven't developed the thick skin required to handle the more critical reviews. Some are very sensitive and only post here with the hope of sharing outside their circle of family and friends. Others post with the hope of getting comments and help that will help them improve and get published in a tough industry that isn't getting any easier. Age, experience, and disposition are all factors that are also very important when taking a review and the comments you make into consideration.

In other words, do a bit of reasearch yourself. Try to get a feel or understanding of the author, too, before delving into a review. Kids will not handle constructive critisicm in the same manner an adult would and extra care may be needed to still be honest but buffer the blow.

Very interesting article. Though I don't agree wholeheartedly, you do bring up some valid points and offer food for thought. Well done.
~Best wishes and happy reviewing!~
Adriana

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Review of Damaged Goods  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ello, 17cherry Author Icon and welcome to WDC! *Bigsmile* It's always wonderful to see new members joining the community and sharing their works.

I saw this listed in the By Online authors column and just had to take a peek. You had a really intruiging premise here for a poem, and I was delighted to see you delivered as promised. What a wonderful way to impliment comparisons and really challenge a reader to think! *Thumbsup*

This poem had good style and flow, but what really made it stand out for me were the unique items you chose to represent the emptiness and pain left behind when love turns sour. The socks gave it a dirty, used feeling, the wrappers showing how even something glittery and full of promise can lose its shine, and the toy, showing the abandonment. Excellent!

This poem also has a strong voice and tone, one that suits the subject content well and ressonates within as one reads the words. The only suggestion I have here is to watch the "it's" vs "its" dilemma. It's is a contraction for it is. Its is used when showing possession: For example: It's cold outside. vs Its pink nose is cute.

Thank you so much for sharing your poem and your talents with us! If you have any questions about this review or the site in general, feel free to drop by my e-mail box anytime! *Shamrock* Good luck in all that you do!

~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana
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Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a beautifully written piece that highlights the personality many of us here on WDC have come to know and love so well. Here is where people should stop to read if they are wanting to know a little about the person behind the handle, or if they are a recipient of one of your many wonderful reMOOS! *Heart*

You have a very attractive layout here, complete with pictures that help illustate your perception, and share a little bit about your personal life and what matters to you beyond the screen. The ones of your beloved basset hound made me smile and then giggle a bit. I love those expressive eyes and the one of her with her tongue out was just priceless! *Laugh*

It was great seeing a bit of that loveable you shining through your words! I also liked how you gave a few quick links to the stories and poems you house here on WDC. I will have to stop by those sometime soon.

Thanks for sharing!
~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana
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Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ello Jeff Author Icon This is your third review per the auction win! For my last stop tonight, I decided to take a walk on the more serious side and read a genre I haven't yet read of yours. *Bigsmile* I'm so glad I did!

Initial impressions: Oh SoCal! This has to be some of the best writing of yours I've read yet! I don't know what it is about this story, but the way you told it struck a deep chord within me. I was hooked from the first line, sat on the edge of my seat the entire time, and I literally held my breath at the end. This truly was an amazing piece of work!

I still have so many questions after reading this. I know that was the intent you had with this story, but you really made me scowl with the cliffhanger ending! It's killing me not to know what happened, who this boy was, who those men were, and why they had done those things to him. You're a cruel, cruel man to leave me hanging like that!

This was a taut mystery and serious thriller. I loved the entire atmosphere you wove into this piece. It was sinister and crackling with tension. My heart ached and pounded all at once. I don;t know who this mysterious boy was or why he stumbled upon this family in such dire condition, but you walk away with the gut wrenching feeling things will never be the same for them because of it. I felt reading this story, and more importantly, I genuinely cared about these characters and what happened to them. The entire thing came across as so real and very intense.

Again, you had great setting and description. One of my favorite parts was when you were describing the fog rolling in. Very visual tale and it was neat when you went so far as to give the smell of the room and let us feel the texture of the bandages!

One part that got me was when the boys pulled back the sheet. I don't want to talk too much about this lest it ruin it for anyone reading this review, but I'm not sure you intended that effect or not. *takes a deep shuddering breath* You scared me!

Overall, this is a story I won't be forgetting anytime soon. It's one of those memorable tales about compassion and a family in peril. These are characters readers can emerse themselves in and care about as they read. It's got plenty of action and suspense. In fact, I'm going to include this in my editor's picks for next week's drama NL. *Thumbsup*

Highly recommended read.

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
I don't suppose griping about the mystery and cliffhangers involved in this story will change anything. It's a bold move on your part, but one I really enjoyed. I think anyone not in critic but reader mode will fall head over heels for this anyway.

Jed frowned as my father picked up the phone and started dialing, then frowned.
Nitpicky, yes, but maybe you might want to change one of the frowns to scowled. One other thing to point out is you might want to take a quick skim of this story and make sure you don't have your dialogue tags capped. There were quite a few where you said My father said etc when it should be my fahter since those tags aren't capped. {e:wink

As always, feel free to use or ignore my blathering as you wish. I'm no expert by any means, but I do like to throw my two cents in on occasion. lol

Parting Thoughts: I am thrilled to have had the chance to spend the evening in your port. You have amazing work and some really awesome stories to read. I can;t wait to visit this folder again and see what else you have hidden here. Thanks so much for sharing and please keep writing! Best wishes always!{e:heart}
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Review of Ritual  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ello Jeff Author Icon

This is review 2 of 3 from your auction package. don't forget to email me with the link to your WIP and I will review that as well, per your request. I have to admit, I'm really enjoying my visit to your port. I feel like I won something here as well! *Wink*

Initial impressions:
Hmm, SoCal, I have to admit, inquiring minds want to know! I make it a habit of reading the genre listings before reading a story, just so I know what I'm dealing with and if it's fiction or not. The experience category really raised a brow after reading this. Uh, what uhm . . . part of this is experience? *Worry* I did mention what an awesome friend and person you are lately, right? *grins* If not, I'll mention it again now, and point out I have loads of garlic on hand and UV lights for the iguanas!
*Laugh*

This really was a unique blend of genres as far as reading goes, the whole experience listing aside. You had the taut suspense and tension one expects to find in horror, along with a few chilling elements. The beginning held hints of romance. I felt the thrill of young love and the heat of lust as Natalie and Josh rode in the car. In fact, I almost wanted a cold shower myself. Then, somewhere, I also detected a subtle air of D/s. All in all, it had many elements geared here, all of them subtle, but it was like all four of my favorite things rolled up in one! Pretty amazing when you think about it!

I really liked these characters. They were so easy to relate to. You gave the reader time to observe and adjust before throwing the wrench in. I think having them be young and, well, uhm, rearing to go, worked wonders here. Most readers, if they are not going through that stage now, just finished it in the *cough* not so distant past. It will bring back fond memories in either case and make them easy to relate to.

The setting . . .what can I say here? I loved the old farmhouse and barn. You did a great job laying out both, but I really thought the barn worked well. Big, huge, drafty, usually dimly lit, its an excellent place for your story to unfurl. The slab and chains, well, all perks. *Blush* It's not something one usually finds in a barn, but as a reader, I felt they fit right in and it had a really neat visial effect. The only thing I felt was missing was a light play on the sense of smell. Did it stink of animals, or fresh or stale hay? I'm not sure how one would describe the unused/abandoned barn smell, if not. Maybe earthy? Just a thought.

I liked the plot. I thought it well-paced and well-played. I did manage to figure this one out. Sort of. *Laugh* You still trew in plenty of twists and this is one of those great stories where not everything is quite as it seems. I was really glad to read through and see it didn't have one of those ends where she woke to find the entire ordeal was just a dream. You had me worried there for a split second, but I had faith, and sure enough, you proved yourself far too clever and orignal for that!

So here, we have a unique blend of genres and a turbulent atmosphere because of it. It works really well. The characters are ones the reader will be interested in, and it's a good, fast-paced read. What more could one ask for?

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
and she was forced to crawl alongside her as he moved to the center of the barn.
Since Josh was the only other person I was aware of at this point, I think you meant 'crawl alongside him.'

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!

Parting Thoughts: Again, it's been a pleasure reading your work! Your such a versatile author with a lot of skill. Your port is one anyone would do well looking into. I'm really looking forward to reading your contest entry for this month!*Thumbsup*
Best wishes and happy writing!*Heart*
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Review of True Nature  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ello Jeff Author Icon This is review 1 0f 3 won in your auction package! Let me start off by saying it's my pleasure to read your work and share my thoughts with you. *Bigsmile* I was more than excited to see the huge selection of items in your portfolio, and while I'm mostly drawn to horror these days, i might end up taking a walk on the erotic side before I'm done tonight. This really showcases your diversity as an author!

Initial impressions:
Okay, I really liked the opening line. I miss the sky. It's very simplistic, yet it grabs my attention as a reader right off the bat. It raises tons of questions, making me want to know more. Who is this person and how could they possibly miss the sky? Great hook!

The moonless sky was dark, and the only sound came from my boots slapping against the concrete
This is excellent visualization! I really liked the inclusion of sight and sound here and your descriptions!

I really liked the line about the perp and his two neices. It was a very subtle statement, which made it all the more chilling, as I made my own assumptions. The intent was clear here, but you didn't sensatonalize it by going into the details. *Thumbsup*

Okay. . . WOW SoCal! As I was reading, I had a really hard time connecting with the main character, because of his actions. When he listed all the things happening, I didn't feel the least bit sorry for him, I felt glad. *Sad* Now I feel totally ashamed of myself. I thought this was a very clever trick as an author. I never saw the ending of this story coming, and usually, I pride myself on being able to peg the outcome before it happens. (In fact, my husband and I often compete when watching movies *laughs*) Wow!

I admit, I felt the first twinge of empathy when I learned he was a litle slow. Sometimes mental handicaps or learning disabilities hinder the ability to tell right from wrong, making them a lot like young children. But you threw me for a loop with the final revelation (which I won't spoil in a public review) What seemed like a flat character with no redeemable qualities ended up being one I liked and empathized with.

Great descriptions, opening hook, character, and plot twist!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
because they don't have to see me or listen to me or even acknowledge that I exist.
I think here, since you are listing different actions, they should be separated by commas.

You know, I was going to make a suggestion about certain phrases being repeated often and close together, especially in a story as short as this one, but at the end of the tale, I realized it fit. Sometimes it pays to read before you comment!

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note**Smile*

Parting Thoughts: Overall, a fast paced and enjoyable read! I'm a sucker for surprise endings and you delivered here! I'm looking forward to reading some more of your work. Thanks for sharing and for bidding on my package!
Best wishes and happy writing!*Heart*
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Review of Freak no more!  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there, Ellbaies Author Icon *Smile* I'm reviewing you on behalf of the Angel Army's Newbie Raffle. Congratulations on your win!

Initial Impressions: A very intruiging read! I definitely wanted to know who these people were and what had happened to them. By the title, I'm thinking maybe they were in the circus r a sideshow, something along that nature, but it is never made clear. I really liked the mystery and suspense in this piece and the investigator's reaction elicited a little chill!

Thoughts/Comments/Suggestions:
*Bullet*- Seven? Are you sure it's not six or eight?
Dialogue should always be set off with quotation marks. For example: "Seven? Are you sure it's not six or eight?"

*Bullet*The question resounded inside us like a lost key falling in an empty well.
Very nice comparison. I liked the visual and sound here!

*Bullet*We hated this icy place were gloom loomed
I think you meant where gloom loomed. Were is usually used to denoted a past tense of some action, like 'we were scared.' Where indicates placement. *Wink*

*Bullet*The wall were blinds, so were the clerk
I'm really not sure what you meant here. The wall and the clerk wore blinds? The wall and the clerk were impenetrable, meaning you could not see through either? Was the clerk blind? I think just a little clarification is needed here.

*Bullet*So we told us something was odd.
This reads a tad bit awkward. 'So we told ourselves something was odd.'

*Bullet*Think of it like pruning of the branches of a tree.
Think of it like pruning off the branches of a tree.

*Question* I really wasn't sure why these people were going on stage to begin with. Why were people laughing at them. were they in some kind of magic show where something went horribly wrong? a circus maybe? As a reader, I just didn't have a clear sense of who 'they' where, what had happened to them, or why.

*Star*Favorite Part: You have a wonderful and unique way of comparing things. You used good description and gave some great mental images as I read. for me, that is one of the most enjoyable aspects of reading. *Thumbsup*

*Note*Any suggestions made are the sole opinion of myself as a reader. Please feel free to use what you find useful and ignore the rest! *Smile*

Parting Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this and think you have a great foundation in place to build a solid story off of. I think if you fill in some details and flesh out the plot and characters a little, you will have an amazing story on your hands. The vision and creativity are already there and these are our greatest tools! Feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions regarding this review or if you make any revisions. I'd be happy to take a second look!

~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana

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Review of Monster  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there, Just call me Omni Author Icon *Smile* I'm reviewing you on behalf of the Angel Army's "a very Wodehouse challengeOpen in new Window.! Thank you so much for entering and participating in January's round.

Initial Impressions: Wow! This poem really packs a powerful punch. The form you used only served to accent that. The unique hourglass appearance gives the impression of time sifting by. Powerful wording on a fierce subject that too many people, unfortunately, have experienced. It's a gripping read that left a lasting impression.

Technical/Grammatical errors: None noticed.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* The power of the last two lines. Despite the way the memories can linger and haunt, you left things off with a note of empowerment, of refusing to give in. Very nicely done!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea* Not a suggestion for improvement. I thought the poem itself was flawless. I'm just trying to make the connection between thee subject here and new years. Perhaps, though, that is the light where the monster cannot follow.

*Note*Any suggestions made are the sole opinion of myself as a reader. Please feel free to take what you feel helps and ignore the rest. You and you alone are the best judge of what works best for your style and the work of art you have created! *Smile**Note*

Parting Thoughts: Powerful, gripping poem. I think you did an amazing job. These words are ones that will linger in the mind long after reading them. Thank you for sharing and good luck in the Outreach contest!

~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana

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Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there, Fyn Author Icon *Smile* I'm reviewing you on behalf of the Angel Army's "a very Wodehouse challengeOpen in new Window.! Thank you so much for entering and participating in January's round.

Initial Impressions: What a beautiful and nostalgic poem! Reading this brought back many fond memories of my own childhood winters. You played heaily on the senses, doing exceptionally well pulling me into this piece as I read. I could feel the warmth and the cold. I could see the ice, snow, rosy cheeks and warm fires. This is a poem that envelops the reader and your words evoked comfort, joy, and a sense of coziness! I also think the free-flowing form worked well with this piece.

Technical/Grammatical errors: None noticed.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* The tinking music of the icicles. You really gave a lot of fantastic imagery here.

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea* None!

*Note*Any suggestions made are the sole opinion of myself as a reader. Please feel free to take what you feel helps and ignore the rest. You and you alone are the best judge of what works best for your style and the work of art you have created! *Smile**Note*

Parting Thoughts: This was a wonderful poem and I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you so much for sharing and best of luck in the Outreach contest. *Thumbsup*

~Best wishes and happy writing!~ *Heart*
Adriana

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Review of Creation  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Aww, Becks! Now you done went and made me cry! *Cry* How very sweet! I'm so touched by the sentiment behind these words, that you put so much thought into expressing the turmoil we writers often feel. Dedication aside, this was a very compelling piece. You speak the pure, honest truth here and deliver a message.

Writers write because they need to. We are gifted with the visions and words we expound, for reasons we don't understand. Some deliver messages of joy and hope, some love and laughter, and other chills or something shadowed. Without pain and sorrow, one can never understaand what happiness means. I think we are all compliments to each other. Light highlights the shadows. Rain creates rainbows. Diversity is so important, and authors should never be frowned upon because of the genre they write.

To critique work is one thing, to attack someone as a person . . . that is unacceptable and inexcusable.

I love the free-flowing verse. I'm touched that you were inspired. Most of all, I love the message you deliver. Thank you for sharing this. *Kiss*

~Best wishes and happy writing!~*Heart*
Adriana


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Review of Steven  Open in new Window.
Review by Adriana Noir Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ello BryanLee Author Icon I found your short story, "StevenOpen in new Window. while browsing WDC's latest horror offerings. I really liked the simplistic title and your description had me intruiged. So, here I am, stopping in for a visit and a read. *Smile*

Initial impressions: I was pleasantly surprised! You truly did deliver on the suspense! This is one of those stories that keep the reader guessing throughout the entire course. there is so much going on, with the mysterious mention of Steven, the bear (I never trust toys), and the subtle hints of resentment that I picked up on from the mother, that I was never 100% sure where this story was going.

You wove your plot cleverly. I thought I had a good idea of where things were going, but you threw in a few twists that unseated that confidence. All in all, this was a fantastic story that will keep your audience on the edge of their seats!

One other thing I would like to mention here is the style you use. Some readers prefer heavy descriptions, some like a clean, clear-cut style. I'm honestly not picky *Laugh*. But, the style has to work with the story itself and you went the right way here. The tight, clean wording added authenticity to your characters and kept the action flowing. Yet, somehow, you managed to mainatin a menacing aura without painting a sinister scene and tone. Clever!

The characters: This, to me, was the most fascinating aspect of the story. There is a lot going on here with your cast, but it's behind the scenes. You have a very believeable and likeable array. Katy won my heart from the get-go and her father is easy to relate to. They both evoke sympathy and understanding, a real sense of connection as one reads. One of the coolest aspects of this story was feeling like an invisible bystander. I felt as if I stood off to the side, watching this family interact. Great dimension and dynamics!

Katy is such a sweet litle girl. I could see her so clearly and that youthful voice rang in my head. She seems oblivious to her mother's silent brooding, and really is the apple in her daddy's eye. She's a low maintance kid, but even that doesn't stop her mom from begrudging her duties as a parent. It's so sad that some people can't stop and take a moment to enjoy their kids, rather than being so self absorbed.

My favorite time of the day is when my kids and I gather around the dinner table and reconnect after a hectic day. I look forward to that time with them, because before you know it, they are running out the door again to play or slinking off to their rooms to bond with toys and video games. *Rolleyes* For that reason, I begrudged the mother from the start. Heck, she couldn't even appreciate having a decent man around that was a good father! Despite his affiable nature and attentiveness, even Phil felt the sting of rejection at his wife's hands. It tugs on the heartstrings and is a good ploy to make your readers empathize.

Steven plays an interesting role throughout the course of this story. I really can't say much else without giving it all away, but everytime his name was mentioned, I felt a thrill racedown my spine. The scene outside where Katy mentions his dining preference was downright chilling.

Setting/Plot: The vast majority of the story takes place in the family's home with a short stint in the local park. There isn't much dwelling on the setting in this story, as it is driven by action. However, as a reader, I didn't feel I was out there floundering either. Sufficent enough details were given.

*Thumbsup* I loved the plot. It was paced extremely well and it will keep readers guessing. This is something a lot of people crave, making suspense and psychological thrillers very popular in books and film.

*Question* That said, I wasn't fond of the insect. Here's why: You went through painstaking efforts to create this wonderful, believable cast. Everything felt so real, and then BOOM, all sense of that went flying out the window. It felt very jarring. The fear and unease you built up to that point was based on a solid foundation your readers can understand and this sudden sci-fi element thrown in in the middle of an otherwise psychological horror story sent me reeling. I don't know if you've ever seen "The Others" or "The Orphan," but it would be like seeing something like this pop up all of a sudden in the middle of them.

Just my opinion here, and a matter of personal taste, but it felt like a cheap scare tactic that really didn't fit. I think this story would have a much greater impact if you built more around Steven, perhaps utilizing the jogger in the park instead. Maybe play off of him instead. This is something your audience will believe.

*Star*Favorite Part:*Star* I absolutely LOVED the way you ended this! *Delight* I applaud your brilliant twist! It hit with an impact and left chills in its wake, much like those episodes of Tales from the Darside or Twillight Zone. Cheers!

*Idea*Suggestions for Improvement:*Idea*
Overall, a clean story. Only one minor technical edit to point out. Towards should be toward.

That and I think this would be sooo much stronger without the bug, but the jogger in its stead...same concept just a more believeable "perpetrator."

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. While I have the highest respect for all authors, I do feel inclined to throw my two cents in frome time to time. *Wink* Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note*

Parting Thoughts: Awesome story! I would love to feature this in my upcoming horror newsletter, set for the first Wednesday in February. You definitely have talent and this was an amazing ride. Thank you so much for allowing me to visit your port and for sharing your work with the rest of us! *Bigsmile*

~Best wishes and happy writing!~*Heart*
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