Ello, Suzannah . I came across your story and I have to admit, the title and description had me too curious to pass this by! After reading this short story, I don't think you could have summed it up any better.
My Initial impressions of "Beyond Redemption." : What a wonderful read! I absolutely loved the tension, mystery, and suspense this tale held. The characters have a very unique voice suited to the setting and both played off the other wonderfully. This is a fast moving tale that doesn't give the reader time to become bored. In fact, it pretty much keeps you perched on the edge of your seat. Great work!
The characters: Sam is a tough-as-nails, no nonsense type of chick. the reader gets that impression right off the bat. She's self-sufficient, having lived by herself and taken care of her mother's vast estate all these years. I also really liked the bond and relationship she had with her two beloved guard dogs. It lent her a soft, human side I don't think the reader would otherwise see. Her trust in fellow mankind is displaced, and as a result, Sam can come off as a bit gruff and guarded toward them. However, she loves her animals! Great characterization.
Ben . . . well, not much is known about this mysterious drifter at first. I loved the dialect you gave him. He sounded like an authentic rancher to me, which made the story very believeable. Ben comes across as very genial and good-natured. However, not too long after he arrives, it becomes clear he has an ulterior motive! 
Setting/Plot: The setting in this story is wonderful It takes place on a secluded ranch in the valley. You did an amazing job painting a picture for the reader, right down to the crisp smell of rain heading in. It's exotic, yet familiar enough that people will relate. Great work!
I loved the plot. I wondered at first what Sam was up to . . . then sat on the edge of my seat as I tried to figure Ben and his gun out. It's a gripping plot filled with clever twists and turns that will keep the reader guessing and on the edge of their seat. Very well played out.
Style & Voice: The only complaint I had about the style was there being a lot of fragments . . but I will explain this below. Otherwise, I think this had great style and voice. It was fast-paced and easy to read, yet you also include great descriptions. It's clean and concise, yet beautifully written.
Favorite Part: I absolutely loved your fabulous descriptions. I could see and smell the lush plants and rolling valley. It was enthralling!
Oh me, oh my! What a devious and wicked ending. This was also high on my list of favorites. It was a wonderful plot twist and even gave me an unexpected rash of gossebumps!
Suggestions for Improvement:
~Lush gold, white, and brilliant red Hibiscus. Interspersed with fragrant Frangipani trees--wound down and around
I think this is an awkward stop here. The first sentence is a fragment. It might read better as:
Lush gold, white, and brilliant red Hibiscus interspersed with fragrant Frangipani trees--wound down and around
~Pulled on his faded jeans and a white T shirt.
Two things here. It might read better if you said Ben pulled on his faded jeans, or he . . . the other is, I could be wrong but I think T-shirt is hyphenated. 
~He fixed himself a J.D neat and tossed it back.
If you don't want the reader to lump it all together as JD neat and then have to re-read to clarify it, you might want to consider adding some kind of pause.
J.D., neat, OR J.D.--neat, and
~Sam had had a breakdown. Convinced that her mother had deliberately gone down to the creek that night. Knowing full well what would happen.
The last two are fragments. My suggestion would be to combine two or three of the above for smoother reading.
Sam had had a breakdown, convinced that her mother had deliberately gone down to the creek that night knowing full-well what would happen.
~"If you're sure Sam?"
"Ben; I'm always sure. Goodnight."
In the second line, you use a semi-colon after Ben. Semi-colons are only used when combining two complete sentences related to each other. Ben is not a complete sentence capable of standing on it's own. My suggestion is to replace the ; with a comma.
"Ben, I'm always sure."
~The next morning dawned fiery-red. Promising another scorching hot, sticky November day.
Promising another scorching hot, sticky November day doesn't make much sense on its own, making it another fragment. Again, I would combine the two for eas flow and understanding.
The next morning dawned fiery-red, promising another scorching hot, sticky November day.
There are many fragments, both up to this point and after. Rather than point them all out, I think I will just mention that a full sentence should be able to stand on it's own and make sense, having a subject and verb. While a few are okay here and there (especially in dialogue, as that is how we often speak), in excess, they become confusing. Most of the ones you have could be clarified and cleaned up by inserting a comma instead, just as shown in the above examples. 
Note: These are only my honest opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you wish. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created.
Parting Thoughts: I would definitely reccommend this to anyone out there looking for a great story to read. Not only is it fun, but it will keep you guessing what is going to happen until the very end. I have to admt that the full implications of the story and just how clever Sam is did not FULLY hit me until this very moment. It's a great story about how betrayl can impact a person for life. In essence, it really is a story about things being way 'beyond redemption.' 
~Best wishes and happy writing!~ 
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
|