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76
76
Review of Empty wound  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Anniversary Reviews email siggie


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY!!! from "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*
Celebrating your writing this month with a review.


Happy Account Anniversary Alice Wolf Author Icon,

A poem of pain, some images describing anger, within a self-removed narrative approach that causes me to ponder an intriguing poetic offering. Like a profile of human emotion, this speaker/voice is driven to educate someone indirectly of what goes on beneath the surface with a heart in anguish. You paint some images and also tell to show how one might relate, commiserate or know what they've done. This feels akin to the... 'in case you are wondering', but as poem that serves as catharsis, but also writing to share in an open window (such as mine) to the world. It’s a poem that doesn’t want to make a plea, a voice resolute and hardened.

I note free style construct of these words meted out with apparently three line sections to describe pain, the wound and rage before the final lines making something very clear. A poem locked in tight with twelve lines, four statements, the last is summation and tells this reader whatever happened in the past is “for ever broken.” I don’t know if it was meant but nicely shown to break apart forever on that line with broken. I interpret the line as setting a threshold that will not be allowed to be crossed again.

There were a few errors that could easily mend...such as, 'that that' was on line five. There is confusion about the use of 'they'. I can infer the last 'they' in reference to one's feelings. I'm wondering about section three with "They filled with rage" preceding, assuming it could have been connection to the previous two lines. Then I'm not sure when I look down and see "When they lay upon the face" followed by "Feelings swell from a broken cage". Since this poem is indirect, I feel either the narrator's eyes fill with rage or the one referred to is 'they'. I can assume someone is angry and someone is hurt. I associate pain with the narrator. Even 'when they lay upon the face' seems integral to two statements that could connect to either but not both. I had trouble inferring in that part.

There is a lot of good in this poem that feels raw and could use more refinement, maybe more imagery with connections. It speaks loudly emotively. It's a great poem to reveal how one puts on a face, silent about the suffering within. Does not react to someone else's anger? I'm going to say. The narrator is firm and lays down rule that never again; whatever was is broken eternally.

The poem felt like it had a bit of structure helping statements, and could speak even louder with a few tweaks. I took your name from the WDC Account Anniversaries page to visit and find this poem for review.

Thanks for sharing,

Brian
WDC Super Power Reviewer
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No research needed in effort to compose this review.


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77
Review of The Son of Man  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A review of "The Son of ManOpen in new Window.
Yup! It's gonna be another one of those looong reviews. *Laugh*

Dear iKïyå§ama Author Icon,

Cigarettes and addiction are central to this story and seem to signify something about holding domain over someone from his wife to work and the boss. While the story was sufficiently intriguing, the ending was so subtle that whatever profound meaning might be cloaked somewhere in the motifs and themes that illuminate a reader to this man's lifestyle and how poor and overworked he is. The irony is he's a solid worker; rumor wasn't correct who was getting the axe.

I noted scenes with dinner and the game, the rush to work, the stinky elevator ride, the click-clacky swarm of typewriters (50s and/or Dystopian lit?), the cig break that confirmed people are broken down to the simplest elements, and the axing from the corpulent boss. All of these small events weave together a nuanced story that puts a reader there, finds empathy to ignore the cigarette habit, and wonder about 12 hour days (nurses will work 3 twelve hour shifts), guessing this is five days a week. And still, can't make ends meet.

If you're only skill is a typewriter and the business of typed characters is slow, what is it they type? Didn't have a feeling that it was transcriptions of some kind, but couldn't be creative writing. So, that was puzzling for me. Sometimes, you have a bustling news room back in the day, but not 50 typers. But, I'm feeling something developing in story that has irony at the end. Was going to ask for a raise, heard someone else was getting let go, co-workers seemingly jealous of his trip down the hall (where I have known it to be the exact opposite. No one gets called in from a sweat shop for an honor.), and then losing his job. (Also, it's common to fire an employee before he starts work, otherwise they don't have their duck in a row. They guard company assets and anything that can cause workers to react outward, firing one who might stand for something in their lives, if held up as model.)

In honesty, I thought he would have done something more rugged for work. I didn't get much of a feel for place, and the dialogue didn't give a clue to a particular region. I got era, although we could go sideways and consider a parallel realm. But fiction is that realm, so I can imagine a story written in a time when Orwell was promoting his book, and a story like this would arrive. It would suggest some things about the present era... We are redacting words in society through social media, forced to chose left or right, right or wrong, distracted by sports and celebrity, music, gaming and streaming whatever (disconnects us), not be outspoken or controversial, trash talk but shame haters. The call for unity is met with turn brother against brother, rather than outward toward government mind gaming citizens consumed with distractions noted and more. I can't directly and cohesively encapsulate it all. Though, I have something sourced through research that opened my eyes, based on experience in work and social life. I could never share or publish.

What's making me wonder is where is the low level management with the firing? My experience has been that the big boss delegates, creating that buffer protected by human resources that dictates how one could go about letting an employee go, including knowing all the loopholes (I could go way further with this.). In a bygone era, not much for workers rights. Even more so, as this story describes. Today, we have the slick-haired butt kissers who enjoy doing the dirty work of giving employees a hard time. And, manipulating and figuring out ways to trip someone up, to lose that liability, so they have cause to get them canned. There's your haters and easy to incentivize because they enjoy it.

Again, this story is straightforward and out of the past, or a realm where worker's rights are zero. It suggests this pool of workers use cigarettes as stress relief, having no other recourse with all the pressures of job and family life. I wonder about recreation. I feel we are all headed to a recliner with a microwave dinner, beer and a ballgame. We are regressing as a society that treats workers well.

The wife isn't too understanding. I assume not even working. I can look at this like the Atwood novel turned series where women are just birthers. Not in the same way, but even in the fifties, women took care of the house and dad smoked a pipe, wore slippers and brought a suitcase to work. Not that "Leave It To Beaver" world, either.

When I think of parts of England, closer to areas where skies gray often, not sunny, there are poor parts of in that gloomy region that fit this type of climate. That's in part how I envisioned place. But, I felt the story did not reach a place of conflict, as the entire piece was conflict with no true resolution, just result. It doesn't mean it's bad or unsatisfying. I think you have worked very hard on developing a central character, lifestyle and a feeling of repression in a society that treats low level people poorly. And, getting terminated as a solid employee leaves me puzzled. The boss can do whatever he wants; no repercussions under this scenario. I'm guessing getting employed after this might be difficult. Why him? That might haunt a reader.

A device to make him a model of resistance in an otherwise oppressed world, is to kick the habit of cigarettes. Perhaps, be a model of sorts for other workers and the boss nips it in the bud. With what you've developed, it might show some conflict, or climax and fall. And noting now, the boss asking if he caught the game suggests something, too. Who do you root for? This is a part of social conditioning, where people don't have identity but find their interest driven toward supporting your team. This would identify team player. David could buck that, as well.

Also, I just figured out how to give the reader a sense of redemption. I'm recalling, of all things, an episode of "Married With Children" where Al Bundy had to return a book to a librarian he despised as a child. She was the same and worse. He got caught trying to fool her putting the book back, but got caught on video. Her habit was to stir a lot of sugar into her coffee. He pockets the sugar container, implying it's going in her gas tank. You have a boss that resembles that sort of repulsiveness, and the little guy gets a small victory.

People ask me who I root for, I just say a good game. I like to watch individual performances. This would be the kind of answer that could also put him in the crosshairs in a society that holds dominion over the masses. If low level management played a roll, it would be to take the heat for the boss. People identified as narcissistic and sadistic. They get paid more to do less (feeds the ego), draw the ire of workers. Should an employee break, and get out of line, could be marked for new conditioning or removed with this story.

So, with David's story, there seemed nothing foreboding. If he had intended to ask for a raise, this could have been the calling card for his demise. How would they know, unless surveillance state. Either from his home life to the assumed privacy of a break. Perhaps, in that break scene, one of lower management will make an appearance after David's proclamation. Another thing to help a reader zero in on what caused this outcome.

Now, I read through the story once, started to get ideas for feedback and it took off from there. I reconsidered some sections, as you might note, like 'who you root for'. There might have been more to this story, that again, is nuanced and subtle. And, on a closer read, I might pick up more hints. What I feel is worthy is the climate and the behaviors of the people and how they play their part, from the wonder of what type of world this is. Straight out of the Twilight Zone? I like that the boss is corpulent. I loved the description of his office as minimalist with a green apple on that desk. It contrasts his character. I think his office is part of his intimidation for an employee.

I think I hit a wall for anything else to remark. I did summarize a bit with my likes and takeaways. I know that you posted in newsfeed and noted views but no reviews. I enjoyed jumping on it and being that one, since our many years here. I know you write good fiction that's always worthwhile, as this offering. Thank you for sharing.

Brian
WDC Super Power Reviewer
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning!  Winner of eight Quills!

I hope it's okay that I don't roll back through this to edit. My grammar might get messed up by my arthritic hands, bent back at the table aching (excuses *RollEyes*). Hopefully, can resolve any errata. You're probably asleep at the time of this review. So, Good Morning! *Sun*


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78
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Review of 24 Syllable Poems  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A Review of "The Waterfall"


Dear Christopher Roy Denton Author Icon:

A tranquil spot
where time stands still
and water bubbles
down the hill.
The flows cascade —
a scenic thrill.


I had your poem in review tool to look at unformatted, have fun considering the vision and words seemed to slant in different directions, toward and away. Probably my vision issues. Though I could preserve with a copy and paste, the review tool would not keep the spacing. It gave me additional notions how with software lines can curve or slant, seesaw to show, as with your poem.

I chose to review this unique piece because of the elements used to envision, with blue cursive font, a shape poem that flows with its depicted images in text constructed with a barely noticed rhyme scene, until read as shown above. “Cascade” has raw language that describes with words a waterfall “where time...stands still.” Each break in those lines between the connected words, I am imagining rocks or anything like a tree root to redirect the flow. Captive words like “tranquil,” “bubbles” and “cascade” evoke some of the sensory nature of this piece. You give a reader a sense of what this scene represents, what we can imagine it feels like: relaxation, natural, beautiful and invigorating by the end. It's a kind of transformation.

This poem acts not only as an image witnessed, but place. This is escape, where we break away from the world. But, we don’t drive there. To get away, one need consume these words of gentle inspiration to find ‘tranquil’. I don’t know how well the image would work if language is tightly edited to help word flow and show a cascade like this captured.

But getting direct to language trimming a little fat could add to your beautiful poem. For instance, get right into that second line by removing one word, it could read, “time...stands still.” This ‘where’ is repeats rather than adds to the value of your well placed words, as a reader knows place, it acts redundantly. Skipping a syllable gives more feel of visual movement an harmonic pace.

Conjunctive ‘and’ could be removed from line three to help flow and get right into action to say, “water...bubbles.” In a line with two words divided by space, two syllables each, it could induce harmony further. This also can show visually the read, lends to further takeaway from theme of a place of relaxation. The poem could tightly, softly ripple off those easy words to further relax a reader.

Same goes for the next line, narrowing that stream where two words can bounce off one another, “down...hill.” Removing articles can help expressions and imagery to function alone. With ‘The’ cast aside, we gently rejoin a read of a compound word disconnected by space in that water...pauses to consider the monosyllabic performers on the line. It gives a feel of a thinning spot, slower pace. Removing that last ‘the’ and something else visualizes for me. With another direct statement and uneven syllables spaced on the line, I feel a balance shift on the ride down from right to left (if the is removed), as each line is opposed to the other in syllable weight and structure, visually and with the read.

That last line splashes us left with the first three syllables to one on the right with a line ending in “thrill.” The last word of your poem acts well as summary for this read. It’s suggestive of experience the speaker unveils to help a reader feel. It echoes back to the first line where we are invited to that ‘tranquil spot’ to find experience having read to the bottom and arrive at ‘a scenic...thrill'.

Thus, tranquil scene...thrill spot, operate off each other top to bottom and back up top. Imagination gets me off the ride and to climb back up, drawing those indirect connections pinging off one another, if edited to meted phrases that teeter here and there. Cutting a syllable at line two, stream goes from left to right, stays there on line three then evens at ‘down-hill’ and moves left and right on two lines to end. It’s subtle movement for eyes within a poem paced by pauses that send a reader’s flow between the invisible obstacles, with a poem moving from top to bottom, as your title cascade.

In essence, that is what I read with tiny edits to give more power to a serene, visionary poem. Unless cutting syllables affects the rhyme scheme, he now considers. I enjoyed considering this and probably offered too much information. I read and react and offer ideas, but you are the master of your award winning work. I very much enjoyed the experience. This was to be an anniversary review. I put it off until I could give it fuller attention.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Super Power Reviewer
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning!  Winner of eight Quills!
100% human written. I have the DNA test to prove it. *Bigsmile*





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79
79
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Review for "Rose in Crystal Vase"

Dear GeorgeWDeMuth Author Icon,

Years go by quickly. Flames fade and die out. Memory lives on until it's taken away or we die. Such is the life of a romantic, something I find expressed here in your haiku. It's a bit rough and maybe rushed or not further considered. Every word could contain power to relight and motivate this tiny poem into a beautiful expression that teams three themes: time, love, memory. It's all any reader ever wants/needs: a story that reveals a part of us and the existentialism we known we face, like a bitter pill a poem like this washes down with its water, to quench once again from the fountain that hides within us.

"Rose In Crystal Vase" is cryptically titled but is necessary to the haiku, because of the limited seventeen characters and format on three lines. Many believe title can be key. I look upon the poem now:

Luscious red cut rose;
Vase of endless starry lights.
Tearful petals fall.


Here I find a haiku that has a description line that lends to perception of what is presented by the poet. I opened up this item in review tool again tonight and noted "Myriad light reflections"...how many syllables? Hmm...seven. That is an interesting expression, as it goes to memory and the illumination of the rose in a crystal vase. Instead we get "Vase of endless starry nights."

There is some awkward language that can easily be repaired in the first line to move the noun 'rose' behind the adjective 'red' before showing an action 'cut' to get behind "Luscious" which I assume plays better with chocolate and other highly valued things. A rose has value unto the observer, the kind, perhaps you can't put a price on. Luscious would intend the rose has this type of value to the speaker. I imagine putting it closer to the rose to show...like "Luscious red rose, cut. Move the action away from the observance or leave it out because it's in a vase and it can be assumed it does not grow there. In fact, it's life is fleeting, as it's dying. And that plays with the third line.

"Tearful petals fall," lands well as summation, as with a typical haiku dealing with ponderings about nature with expression to give us a takeaway. Your line nicely shows, and is better than 'cut'. It could be the only action that shows slow death, the rose personified with remorse that it's life is 'cut' short. I think this has wonderful qualities in its expression. I'll tell you why:

I find the speaker in short order is monologuing here and is imposing empathy and projecting this rose, in association with life and love and the regret, and that it is dying, short-lived. The vase, however, as part of the title, doesn't get a line, nothing to speak. The 'endless starry nights' hog that seven character line, and you want that vase projecting light as if time and memory are illuminated as one with the rose. The crystal vase is the speaker's association with memory. It's a great device and metaphor but got cut from the play and only serves to make the audience member wonder about the vase. It mentions a vase. That teases me.

I think the middle line with your description line can find a way to push out the 'starry nights' miscast actor, or create an expanding production called free verse and play with the symbols and memory and the love story. What is the love story? It's the love one experiences, and not about anyone or anything specific, but a romantic with a longing, pining for youth and the semblance of a lover to dote upon, such as the rose. It's a symbol for oneself...delicate and beautiful and giving as it is deserving of love.

To summarize and feeling a bit rushed this late evening, I must admit the heart of the poem and all the information one could ever want is here, if you keep that description line wherever it reveals. A title with subtitle would serve this unedited haiku. It's also possible to create a new poem from the suggested center line and see where that goes. I can imagine a string of haikus like a sestina repeating itself with an echoing line that echoes mysteries of time and love. It might be fun to try creating the form myself. So much time on my hands.

Thank you for sharing,

Brian
WDC Super Power Reviewer
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning!  Winner of eight Quills!
Written in 20 minutes, editing five? It's flawed and will be as is. Sorry if any confusion.


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80
80
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear isokarifrancis Author Icon,

You’ve got so many images going with this quote, that I had to Google a few words and figure out how some things interact to discern the writer’s intent. Foremost, unusual see an item of this nature with its brevity. Caught this through read and review.

First notion is that the saying is going in the direction of promoting peace. When I see cataract and apple of your eyes, an idiom is added to the mix. Now I feel that blurry vision for one with adoration such as love of a child or infatuation. It implies a weakness in judgment bordering on delusion. It’s the second half of this phrase that ends “eyes will dent out,” noting its eyes, plural. I can assume cataract and eyes to be figurative in statement. It’s the end that puzzles. A car gets dents. Anything that is collapsed by force can be affected, so I must go to a more expressive way of considering all three here in interaction to how hosting peace might determine a cause and effect.

Again, this sounds like advice like a warning though it comes with the description, “QUOTES AND WORDS OF WISDOM THAT INSPIRE AND UPLIFT THE SOUL.” I feel indirectly a sense of irony about the whole notion. If I dumb the quote down negatively, if you embrace peace and hold it, bad thing. It’s silly in that sense. But, in this arena, I can imagine a riddle within a coined phrase with Alice In Wonderland’s woods.

First part of the equation, peace embraced and hosted is a given. The resulting action is an apple stuck in your eyes getting dented from something hurled, because you can’t see right. I’ll take a gander that this embraced peace is akin to the apple of one’s eyes which causes delusion or a blind eye or blind side, that as soon as you get comfortable in peace, something hurled could cause unrest. It could be where peace is found and possibly some function that indirectly affected by peace, will cause harm with ‘dent out’, because one is a doddering fool to think you’re safe once you let your guard down, because you’re pie-eyed by this thing you adore.

The cataract has duality in this statement because it is a thing in the eyes that does cause poor vision. Vision is affected, ultimately. I think of the simple statement from A Christmas Story with the utterance, “if you’re not careful, you’ll shoot out an eye.” Usually peace comes after war, thus a form of insurrection could follow. Peace can be used for deception, to cause a person who cherishes the notion, is not free of war, however its intention to be described with this statement. But, you’ll get hurt if you embrace this ideal, especially hosted. Being the purveyor of peace can harm oneself doubly, because what’s not factored is the reason for disturbances of love in the dark. The eye being the target can get hurt when peace is mishandled. What is it? A loaded weapon? What if your too foolish to know how complex a thing called peace, simply enjoyed?

The message, ultimately is obtuse, makes a stretch of these connections with a quote that could use brevity and fewer functions to arrive at the same destination. For instance, charmed by peace, you’re can get blind-sided. It’s not using the imagery with a riddle of connections, but more to the point. I’d say this is more about using visual devices to demonstrate actions and outcomes, for which I applaud the effort.

You got my brain fired up. But, enough critical thinking for now. Thanks for sharing.

Brian
WDC Super Power Reviewer
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81
81
Review of Lily  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Vanillafire Author Icon,

Something I had started working on as review for last month's celebration of WDC anniversaries like yours. I hung around many of the offerings in your portfolio and had picked this one and started to work on before I set it aside.

This is my brainstorming phase, post reading:
I’m half way there, to this lily. The irony it survives and why is this important, what more can it say? Like introducing the main character at the end. The title is almost a misdirect, but actually not when it's a short read. Clear theme seems to point to existentialism, but a tender poem. It's a miracle the flower survives, but why slightly tattered? Does that mean less beautiful or made beautiful with its wounds? Is the irony that it still stands? I know lilies attach to a larger plant, have rigid stems, each bloom developing in its own time. Why only one?

All the thoughts and questions I ask myself above, before I read through again, based on what takeaways I get from a very informative piece you have crafted. One that applies capitals to those nouns to hint meaning, possibly personify, likely denoting strength from thickness and height.

You've open with those elements to set scene, really show the fury of this weather:
Gusty torrent rains,
Bitter wind,
Pounding hail.


I wonder if 'gusty' should be applied as adjective on that second line referring to wind. "Torrent rains" has power as one adjective to apply and supply power there. It's wind and a sledge hammer at once, nice. Can rain and hail arrive simultaneously? I've learned yes, according to AI. Also, it's likely to arrive in the order you lay out, as rain is lifted up and super cooled to become stones.

You personify the oak and pine, feel more for their 'sturdy' and 'mighty' constructs. Not unusual they topple, yet compared to the 'lily' as 'white', you present irony and contrast. Well done!

"The Sturdy Oak
Split in two.
The Mighty Pine
Bent and broken."

the above versus the ending realization:

"It is the white lily,
Slightly tattered,
That prevails
With gentle power."

I wondered why have it 'slightly' tattered? Tender and tattered could still compare to a ravaged tree trunk on respective scales of size. I feel you do make a case between strong and tender as contrast. Your focus on the singular is important and necessary to this poem. The trees stand alone and so should your title character.

Is there more to the object flower, like its stem and plant? I feel another flower, more susceptible to a storm, but survives, might reveal as a stronger symbol. Most vulnerable might be a Tulip or hyacinth. Wildflowers like daisies and buttercups could also apply. Just some thoughts with suggestions. I'm in favor of your poem, enjoy how you've applied format with poetic devices to help a reader visualize and take away the central message.

I keep thinking of things you could do to give this more power. There could be more of a spiritual element. This does not apply another layer, such as a gentle soul, ravages of life, the suffering poet. It is sweet but could tug at the heartstrings more with emotive devices, double down to get more from exposition.

It's powerful as a short poem, brevity sells it. I think people prefer a short read that is impactful, thought provoking. You do well to show and not tell, as each can infer well the message woven into your words. Also, you hit on double word combos for the three objects. It feels as though the other objects could also reveal the same. It might offer another layer of singularity, but also impact a tightly woven read that might benefit from that cadence, creating a flow in the read, like removing 'gusty' from that open, find those weather words that best pair with nouns.

If we're describing and assigning power with proper nouns, could the components of the storm also be capitalized? With all the objects and the 'pounding' you could also introduce more of a sensory feel with touch and sound. And if describing the lily, perhaps not white but by smell, can add another sensory aspect, and more appreciation of the poem's nature and beauty. And if going for smell, bright colored hyacinth are visual and produce wonderful smell.

But, I also get 'lily' as your choice because it's effeminate by name and has a tender, lilting sound when you read, adding its lonely depiction. And, there might be tender white lilies that I'm not aware of. I should have Googled that before I launched, I suppose.

This was a wonderful poem with much to consider, as you see. I thank you for sharing it in community.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Super Power Reviewer
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning!  Winner of eight Quills!
Human 100% and still informed by Google AI resource.


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Review of whisper...  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Julian Lee Author Icon,

So rich and beautiful this poem, incorporating emotions of intimacy and longing with a clean text that moves through imagery and uses repetition to echo these memories of the past.

I enjoyed how well and carefully you handle language in your poem, but especially appreciate the summation, taking this repeated line threaded through, landing on a softer message to 'whisper' one more time, like closing a story book.

My response to your poem comes from the integral words you employ like 'whisper', but also, 'secrets shared' and 'shadows of trees', where the reader imagines the light of that someone. I like to assume a forbidden affair of sorts for whatever reason, which sweetly touches, makes a reader relate because we've all had that one, remembered post uncoupling.

You chose four line stanzas to open and end in this free form style. I like that you chose a long monologue at center, adding a rambling, emotive discourse of organized, free-associated thoughts and feeling. It's a very expressive way to grab a reader's emotive side and reveal, using imagery to express this memory of love.

I think that passage could be tightened a bit more to speed the read, feeling this an outpouring of sensation of memories fast forming, getting it all down in that book, beautiful prose hitting the right notes. I don't trouble with the conjunctive 'and' that repeatedly drives moments with connecting thoughts. A good vehicle that gives a bit of flair to this speaker's voice reveals a bit of self in the process. It's a likeable voice, someone we root for.

If you want to tighten a little for a more flowing read in some sections, just consider the power of each word and how it functions in those lines. I sometimes cut a lot of articles to get to direct thoughts, as that process works. You are going from image to image in thought to thought from this passage, writing in a journal by a turbulent sea shore. Inspiring to write feelings like this, and relatable for other writers here. It is the essence of melancholy, bright in its reflection.

Things you could trim in that long passage include the 'and' to get right in it, a reader can feel a shift change, take notice.

"...I see your light
shadows of the trees
a charming silhouette
dance in a wakening forest
...shades of long-ago days
peek through morning mists..."

Ellipses is a great tool to show fragments of recollections, if one were to try that instead of 'and'. Above what a slight retool might look like, dropping the second 'silhouette' and modify that image with both 'charming' and 'dance' instead of 'dancing'. This passage enters in the present to seek the past, but returns to present midway. The idea with the long passage is to come out of reverie at the end to rejoin the present. Could break into stanzas again, too, if you want to surface again in present and then dive again into memories.

If brought back to present with 'shades of long-ago days', a suggested restructure (just hypothetical, should you approach this writing again), It could appear:

...and I see your light
in shadows of forest trees
awakening to the charming. dancing
silhouette, shaded in memory

shades of long ago days
peek through morning mists...

It sort of changes tone of your message. That's why I say, an example of a restructure from my POV, but I do not author this, as you are the master of this wonderful work. I guess I just dive in to hopefully give response with a re-envisioning and how it might work.

Usually, raw is better. I tend to over-edit my stuff. I save every version and then come around again to see what works best. I think initial impetus to a write is simpler and truer. My process, and not about your poem.

I wanted to look at the final verse. Here, repost:

and I read from our book
all the mysteries we share
while yet love is young
and whisper your name


Like the second stanza, you employ the 'and' twice to introduce and conjoin thoughts, as if trying to keep one's attention, not lose these memories so lovingly recalled. Also 'whisper' returns as a sort of refrain, but a sweet way to end and close. Between all is that 'book' and I feel it is among the 'mysteries'...

Quick thoughts about questions forming. Is book/journal actual and shared, or a symbol, expression of writing, saving memory? The third line of this verse suggests 'still young' with 'is' and wondered if you meant 'was'? The second line intones the relationship as active, without applying past tense, and if 'share' should be 'shared'?

I hope I haven't given too much information in this review, as I tend to overdo it with hyper-analysis (and coffee). Inspired by this read, some meddling. Guess that's what reviewing is for? Ask any person, and get many different takes on this feedback process.

Final thoughts, I like that it was all italic, adding to scene that intones theme with the waves on shore, as with waves of memories. Kudos there. I've already noted my appreciation of structure with that silo of text in the middle. ('silo of text' *RollEyes* ) As with fiction, the long lines pairing with the short, a poem can pair short verses with one long, like this. It works well.

Thank you for sharing and the gift of your review with gift points, and wanted to say thanks with some consideration of your writing.

Sincerely,

Brian
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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello tashabrown Author Icon,

I am all for this. I know there are a lot of people that preach but don't practice because they really don't see how the word inclusion should broadly define. You aim is in the workplace foremost and makes me think of companies hat operate through a manual and directions from a Human Resources department that finds loopholes in rules. And you say this is more than idea, but I feel getting legislators on board could help. But, there are things government can't regulate.

I find you have solid points here. I think to better serve your argument, include some examples and take time introducing the subject. You can deliver more and probably add some to this to motivate people with your 'call to action'. Knowing who you are trying to reach and in what forums can benefit as well.

I feel you have something in the making that you likely plan to expand upon and maybe implement in a larger context. I worry about a word like "weaponize" because it can cause people to fear aggression or a difficult arena to open up and express their ideas and feelings they might contribute. I see the frustration and emotion in the words you have chosen. I think a majority of people are on your side. People who are against won't change their minds. But, getting the people who believe in this, and there are plenty, just need information. What scenarios where they can deploy, use their voices.

Getting people motivated to act with be setting this editorial up with some very sad truths and offering DEIB as the pronouncement of change. I think if you can lift up people who are passive or who are unaware, you can inspire change. Hopefully, you'll find a forum that can reach out.

Great offering and thank you for sharing and creating awareness. I've also long inclusion in many arenas of life.

Brian
WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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Review of Two Nickels  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
DEar jshe0127,

Good turn of events with this straight forward first person narrative, "Two Nickels" and that title is pretty good, too. I wondered if there would be more than telling of events, as it sounded like non-fiction until some of the depicted events became colorful. I liked where you went with the story from the opening hate of lawyers, to that ending with love of them, because the police are talking arrest.

However, I think that ending might not work. At least, he won't need lawyers. But, police do have their questions. But, a person has a right to defend their home. Sounds like police would be familiar with the victim and could put two plus two together. However, if you want this angle, maybe police want to bust this person telling the story, willing to overlook the obvious, if there were some cause. It would likely be linked to the Prosecutor who decides whether to pursue charges. I think the angle would be that he is just another lawyer and he too smells money. Perhaps, get this character to put up some money to stay out of jail.

I don't think 15k is enough to sell the story. I do realize it needs to be shown this character has broke even after paying off debts. Taxes can hurt for sure. Perhaps, owning home or vehicle free and clear eats up the cash. Or, because this character owes money to a loan shark, he's got a gambling problem and tried to double down and lost?

You have a good premise for story. I don't know if you're trying to keep it short, but you could introduce characters and have them act in those events a bit and let the first person talk to a second person.

Just some thoughts after finding this pop up on the read and review page.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

Dear Elycia Lee ☮ Friday 13 Author Icon,

Hi, Ely. I found your poem and wanted to lend feedback, since you were so very kind to note my gaffe. I wasn't sure where to search within your portfolio, until this title grabbed me, as a melancholic addict, of sorts.

I find that "The Climb To Nothingness" reads smooth whether there is rhyme and felt measured notes of those syllables as they elide words performing in my head. So, I went back up and look at the doorway to this read. I'm a stickler for progression of thought; maybe, there was another way to show that door before looking upon stars. And, my mind came up with an idea that would only include line changes with extra emphasis on the object star.

Here, you have summited in line one. But then switch to the object door walked 'through' versus 'into'...ouch! You passage:
"When I reached a peak, to see a star,
The star was far away.
When I walked into a door ajar,
I found I'd lost my way."

You have two tangible objects that work on theme, and possibly this below can help that introduction for further clarity:

When I walked (through) a door ajar,
The star was far away.
When I reached a peak, to see (that) star,
I found I'd lost my way.


The suggestion of door might seem more an expression in this way and not the central object from an ordinary act. Though, I note 'ajar' has power, which feels like a hidden opportunity, functions as serendipity to explore. Could it be more powerful to show this chance to see the star? Show some struggle, maybe. Because, behind that door, we are kept away from a dream (star), like bright hope, opportunity, or however this star can take shape for the narrator in pursuit.

The juxtaposition of those lines I offer now give more meaning to having lost one's way from doorway to search for that star. The "peak" is important too. Higher ground means ascending in life to obtain that dream star. What's sought might have been an aimless pursuit at this point. Your poem can continue on this journey with reflection from that speaker's point of view, showing a reader the experience gained.

Just an idea, if you think it might work for you. I feel I should not reread the rest, because I'll want to keep butting in with more thoughts like this. I just felt so much power originates in that first stanza. I feel the realignment can empower your poem with allegorical to metaphorical story.

Although, I'm reminded of title, which brought me here. And, in this climb to nothingness, you could employ more images that apply to senses, including fog, a forest, other obstacles to envisioning the star (dream). And amid the last three verses, there might stand one that would be better as ending. I feel there is a process to these thoughts to get to your takeaway.

Because of your smooth, flowing phrases, there might be easy swaps going forward, if even a full verse that best summarizes the poem. For certain, verse three should be ahead of two. This is where you meet the 'beauty queen' which could be a metaphor for star/dream. And, it still mentions the climb. Perhaps, this pursuit continues if verse three becomes verse two, and readers might be able to see other sacrifices made on trail of that star.

So, looking at it again, just the stanzas, I see a better natural order just to straighten out, reordering these:

verse 4 to 3
verse 3 to 2
verse 2 to 4 to finish.

It felt like a summary of what was witnessed. Definitely a poem about disappointment, unhappy with was supposed to be an attainable dream with that vision of a star as intended metaphor to represent wanting the fairy tale life, to meet with the thing so hyped by society that it's not what we expected, and worse. From there, if you want further edits for clarity, I can see some real potential in this.

Your poem could offer a takeaway now that comments on how much time and effort in our life is wasted in distraction, by a shiny, dreamy thing akin to a star, that you want to near, reach for, rise to and live amid. Everything's there.

This was an easy adjustment in my head. However, this is your baby, offered should you want to remake it. Congratulations on the ribbon that adorns this, by the way. I found this a pleasure to have discovered one of your visions here today. Thanks again for taking time out to help me.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Super Power Reviewer
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This is distilled me and nothing artificial in construct, but influences from my reader/writing experience. I read, react and hope to help.


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Review of Longing  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an interesting way of harnessing unseen star power energy. I liked the set up to this prose piece, because it enters a bit of knowledge I have about stars unseen during the day. We know it's he sun, and an eclipse would possibly give a glimpse. But right there, unseen, they are called "Circumpolar Stars.

It was a bit of a struggle to read a block of text, but could gather the dreaminess of the belief that stars hold our dreams, during the day? Anyway, good use of personification and what feels like something in beautiful prose that speaks to spirituality.

I happened upon this in the read and review section

Brian


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Review of L'aura del Campo  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Kåre เลียม Enga Author Icon

Thanks for sharing the link in newsfeed. Did not enter in contest, I believe. I won't judge it on the prompt since I've entered under the same title. Way to many ways to get tripped up on all that was wanted. I think they just like to torture people.

Anyway, I got a clear distinction of contrast between two characters, one older than the other. What is ironic is this is like the perfect mate and yet 'wants more'. Further irony, the age difference. It's hard to know what the heart wants, but maybe its not about the relationship. Time seems to factor, like the 24 years. Another irony, not really a commitment if the speaker doesn't expect to live that long.

With all the showing, I feel that unanswered question, narrative puzzlement. The only thing I could conclude is that the young man will be alone at the end. And the older might want the freedom to live a bit more life before its done.

If I know the speaker, I'd say as an intellectual, is still creating and possibly evolving, but with some sets of ideals. Freedom is fickle. And sometimes, we want the wrong thing because of a life conditioned by making bad choices. It's possible, in place of all those who aren't making one suffer anymore, it's the self that is comfortable with all things contrasting that sunshine.

That's as much as I can think of for the time. But you are always good with dichotomy of two tales mirroring one another. This is more about contrasting two lives.

Brian
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Review of Timeframe  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Freaky poem with the time leaps. I was wondering how you would make this end, and for a 24 hour writing contest. I feel you created a lively character that grabs my attention. I don't know if you knew where the story was headed but felt that visit to the neighbor's could have caused more concern, and suggestions. Otherwise, I got a laugh because of the error in time keeping.

I guess I wonder why a boy delivered the note and how that 10 extra hours would finally sync up with real time because she got more. I think it could have been an extra day plus the lost hours.

I actually can see this as some kind of Adam Sandler movie or Will Ferrell and one gets lost in this time zone while the other is a bumbling idiot who tries all sorts of solutions to fix it and comedy ensures.

It was fun. Thanks,

Brian


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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Chico Mahalo Author Icon,

Wow! this is terrific. I love the listing strategy of this poem and the great, and real, detail that is put into this process. I had wonderments like why is the list of guys so long and how the poet knows so much about them. Or, did she not actually date them, but just a bunch of people he doesn't want to be lumped in with.

Underneath this poem is a little revelation for me, like is she so open that she would tell this guy about each of those people, if she had dated them? And, maybe, because she's had a lot of bad experience, that possibly she's hoping this speaker is the one.

However, the POV is the narrator giving the reader context and we assume his comments into evidence and the general notion that her comment, possibly misunderstood, isn't suggesting the poet has potential to be lumped in the category of what sounds like a bunch of rejects.

It can also go to Seinfeld proportions where the characters obsess on one flaw of every person they date, whether minor or large and it ends up killing the romance. At least, as reader, I'm reminded of that show. I find that the speaker here might be flawed and being revealed via the poem, by the poet, accidentally on purpose, the one who likes to write alone at Christmas. I think spinning the playing field back to list one's own idiosyncrasies was a nice duality, contrast to give balance to the poem.

And though there were some unique things about this person, there might be a few flaws that could compare to a deal breaker, depending on her. This is a strong voice, observant but comes with a feeling of writing all this down to get to that conclusion: that it shouldn't be assumed, just ask her what she meant. That's likely the most mature moment in the write, otherwise this voice that feels untamable comes across with a slight complex. It feels a bit brash and that's what makes this so real and honest to me. It makes me feel vulnerability exists on some level that it crosses over from writer to the voice in the poem and back, interconnected.

Every detail you put into description provides a lot of entertaining detail, but nothing by her. This poem keeps its focus on the speaker and the predilection that he's not like those other guys. It makes me go back and wonder how so many details can be recited and offered by the poet. There is a tone at times in how he describes, and in short order. Some of them get pretty absurd. It starts out normal with one that smelled like fish, but weird behaviors like playing the ukulele nude or always getting arrested.

What also works for me is each depiction fits on a line that turns on the word 'or' giving a sort of cadence, maybe to the point of annoying. There were a lot of guys. But, to flip it to the lines starting with because, we find the writer making a defense for what some might call flaws. Drums was interesting. Also, drinking with winos. It sounds like a character that does what he wants, makes no apologies, but is concerned what one person thinks.

This was beautifully deliberate and nicely laid out. I wasn't sure about the long lines at first until I caught on to the format. Such a breath of fresh air that I might come to visit your other offerings. This one I found on the website's 'read and review' link. Well done.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Super Power Reviewer
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Review of Words  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Anniversary Reviews email siggie


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY!!! from "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*
Celebrating your writing this month with a review.


Happy Account Anniversary KimE Author Icon,

Found out it’s your first anniversary at WDC. Thought I’d hop in and check something you’re working on. What feels true about the writing life is the experience of that brain block that seals the mind up. I often wondered if it was just from a a lack of experience with words or if passion had dried up.

You start out in this draft of what I assume to be a poem with a metaphor that has vision, “Words flow through my mind/Freely as the fish in the ocean…” But, the metaphor ends and switches from getting stuck to being in another dimension. Usually, a poem/prose flows with that initial notion. I ask, ‘how is a free fish like the writer? Could it get stuck, too? That’s where I might imagine as that fish (flounder? Good?), floating too far out in that ocean of life. Perhaps, snagged in a fisherman’s net. That kind of thing. It can carry forward “Stuck in another dimension/stuck in the mud.” You have a good start. Brainstorm, find word connection, words that show or pair with theme.

This image could also be ire-envisioned to find a way to connect up to central theme and metaphor.
“My soul crumbles a bit
When words cannot flow”

Instead, I see with the words below how that fish might be wriggling and wriggling and manages to get through/out of the net. What happens after that is experience for a story. Usually, a life lived and considered can help that writer pen again…

“I try and I try to make it run
But sometimes I learn to let go
Let go and come back with new thoughts
New inspiration and
Soon those words will flow through my mind
again”

With writer’s block, I feel something else nags from the subconscious. It's that feeling of things unresolved that want attention, that could flow through the writer's pen. There is obligation in our lives that we might ignore and delude ourselves from. It's not always the reason we struggle to write. It's true that we need source material, we need life experience and something we are passionate about has to stir in us.

But, writing like a historian is boring. Writing and embellishing these thoughts and moods creates more. We get acquainted with another version of ourselves, someone we'd imagine we'd be. Those characters in our stories aren't strangers but us and people we know who've had an effect on our lives. There are stories that we've lived that we think aren't interesting to others. But, what if they are? I think knowing what’s good story helps.

Many can read a story and have a relation to it. And putting our reactions into words is another way to develop critical thinking. That's partly what reviewing has done for me. As I write, so do others and then we each check each other's papers and learn from the other. Community is what helps a reader stay focused and motivated. Isolated without experience is only darkness, but it might reveal past pain that can be the little fish. And that is worth getting down for consideration.

Just got to do more than stare at the computer screen. If you have a full day once in awhile, you can keep the juices flowing. This is good stuff to consider. You can get there with this draft.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Account Anniversary
and Super Power Reviewer
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon



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Review of The Weaver  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Vanillafire Author Icon ~

I noted the poet of this poem is in the process of ‘refining this piece’. I asked myself some questions to answer to see if I can find information to consider and produce a response to poem with any feedback on its creation and potential with development.

I’m curious if this entire poem “The Weaver” functions on metaphor-supplied theme — how “grating memory” serves to expressively become barbs of wire in one’s stomach, between the figurative and the actual process. I want to see: does the mind serve to deliver ‘wrought’ emotion to produce this?
Is this about worry, overthinking, or both and more?
Would this poem be helped to feed something real in the figurative machining of oneself to produce a further expressed outcome?
How can one ‘refine’ this piece that on the whole is good. Does it need to be longer, add other poetic elements? how could the poet show better to resolve?

This is a great open to hook a reader…

“My mind whirs
the grating monotony
of a spinning wheel.”

Great active verb with sound and implied motion and I think of a winch, a banding machine, a fly rod during the process of your words. Obviously, it’s pulling in and down as something as ordinary as a garbage disposal, but not the reader's visualization. This course of events could be further visualized or become more abstract, because the speaker’s mind is trying to express how this happens. Maybe, it should be surreal from this point until the visual, actual, compulsory conclusion that I find agreement with.

The only part that should be given attention:

“My cramping fingers clutch…”
how are fingers employed? As writer?? This is not central to the emotional process but part of action not fleshed out at this stage to show a reader what’s clutched and how that applies.

This part, beautifully melancholic where I get to ‘dwell’:

“…the most miniscule of threads-
the tiniest details on which
I dwell-
feeding them over, and over, and over
into the whirring
until they are compacted into
steely wires that twist
and bend to barbs
which then settle in my stomach.”


As I read it, this starts off with a powerful metaphor about mental and emotional processes of worry, overthinking, and perhaps the enduring pain of memory. The metaphor of a spinning wheel shows me an endless, repetitive action, depicting how one’s mind can get trapped in these repetetive
and possibly thoughts. It grabbed me from open with that central action: "grating monotony,” which suggests that this affliction of the mind goes beyond tiresome. It’s abrasive, wearing down the speaker mentally and emotionally.

A transformation begins: “threads" turn into "steely wires" that become "barbs" that lay in the stomach...something physical, knowable for a reader, usually described as knots. I find it a vivid illustration of how the mind can process abstractly. In the poet mind, it’s an idea that ends in a physical sensation — how combining the figurative with the literal wind up blending as one. This transformative process symbolizes how minute details or thoughts produce, and overexamined, grow more painful and difficult to digest — literally and metaphorically.

To refine the piece, maybe, further consider furthering the figurative and literal aspects of this process, by expanding on how "barbs" affect the speaker beyond the physical. What happens after this? Is there a resolution, or does the weaving continue endlessly? You could feed the machine with something tangible, what feeds the "spinning wheel"— memory alone, or external factors? I like this poem premise at outset, but want to see it fed to add a layer or dimension without clouding the vision you’ve created

My word, "wrought," is mean to imply here emotion formed by great effort, because the emotion in this process is intense and crafted by ceaseless activity. ‘Wrought’ might give more meaning and lend to metaphor and theme, how it's woven into a larger, more distressing whole.

I enjoy a poem with concept that functions. I could feed it myself and use that metaphor to produce outcome, spawn additional poems in that way. This could stand alone, become more surreal as thoughts are applied to produce a collection of poems with central themes to produce a journal of sorts to get through some major revelations. Recall how poem started, build on that...to the destruction it causes the flesh and soul.

Ultimately, it takes dismantling and what affects that change to finally get peace of mind. A themed collection of poems on a central concept is not only publishable, but sought by readers who don’t want a collection of disconnected poems, but progression, like story. Poems each calling back to the other, echoing and forming inspired consideration and critical thinking to produce takeaways discovered by writer, furthered by reader, might be beneficial.

Great poem, though, and it was a pleasure to consider. I took a little extra time with this one.

Brian

WDC Super Power Reviewer
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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
A review for:
 Is Comparison hurting you? Open in new Window. (E)
How comparison kills us everyday
#2252681 by muskankallra Author IconMail Icon


This is just the most unusual thing that I had to drop in and comment. I go on a search for something other than poetry and find something new to give me another unique perspective.

Just the title of this non-fiction piece gave me a chuckle, "Is Comparison hurting you?Open in new Window., like a late night television ad. It's for that scrawny guy that gets sand kicked in his face by bullies who take his girl. What's the deal with her? There's the start of the self-perception problem. Throw away all the mirrors.

And ultimately, the reveal here is, it's self-comparison and not others that gets one's undies twisted over the inability to impose oneself in the mix. I find that it's easy to get peeved at someone else for frustration that they bring to you. But, what if you don't care, don't respond? They'll likely not care either. Isn't that the point? We don't need to worry about other people creating. They have their stuff, and you got yours. It's about taking care of business first.

Now, this grammatically is horrible and nearly an entire run on sentence. But it is factual and informational and something of knowledge that a late night-alholic can apply to get into that bed on time for once, and be that early bird in the morning.

Right off I notice the comparison of feelings to those who guilt and shame. Again, this could be a people problem. Get new people or train them right. And the reason for the run on is anxiety, a person who needs to complete a thought before they're interrupted. Possibly from ADHD, and it severs the neural pathways from so many interruptions that it becomes a conditioned pathos. to the point that the difficult to express comes across as ignorance, or worse, stupidity. How dare they! It's one in which a person will become frustrated and retaliate and lose again. Or, work real hard at picking those spots. Know when to speak, when to be heard. Walk.

But, self-motivation is ultimately the key, and therapy if you let your problem go on too long. Better to get on meds, create new neural patterns and work it out through talking or writing and that sort of thing, and so on and so forth.

Logic. This speaks from experience as if running into a room, blurting something, and running back out. Puzzled expressions? Can't be argued. Why are we all here? What is purpose in one's life? To stream everything we ever missed and then say, now what?

Yeah, I think dialogue has been lost to those who control the narrative We're afraid of words, slowly being redacted from language. Where does that occure? Dystopian literature, I suppose. Could it be creating a lot of postal people? Only these systems of communication only run through low level management, so the bottom feeders can fight among themselves until they all get tired, say whatever, and quit.

Hate. Division. No hope for unity. Arm chair awaits. It's late. There's the ad!

Brian
WDC Super Power Reviewer
and Survivor
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Just think if I were someone's ally...not a bottom feeder. *fish* *Laugh* want to be a *trout* someday, but can't get up that hill/stream.without being somebody's carp. I can do better. *turns TV on* *Wink*


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Review of Fall  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear jazzystock Author Icon,

I wanted to try out this poem as I was caused to take notice and see what experience I could draw from it:

Dried, crispy brown leaves
reveal cold and naked limbs,
in darkness shivering.


Simply titled "Fall" I feel the poet misses out on the one element that frames and defines additional meaning to a haiku by assigning something of its soul, message or takeaway that can heighten the experience of this short form. There is some beauty with the expression you give in this haiku that properly works on the Japanese art form of celebrating nature.

As I look through these lines and see the personification at work, I feel the empathy in narration. If we are standing inside staring at what nature suffers going into the harshest season, we might feel a little chilled ourselves. This connection is key to haiku and giving a reader experience that moves through the poet.

Your choice of words seem crisp rather than crispy. If composing that first line myself, I like the singularity of how those words perform/stand as 'dry' and 'crisp' because you can heighten the sensory experience with this kind of directness, and it leaves extra syllables to give more power to that opening line. And, brown could go from third adjective to verb, describing what's happening to the leaves as they decay: 'dry, crisp leaves brown 'neath...' or something like that to lead into your second line.

Giving life to the inanimate really ramps up a spiritual theme or feeling, where a reader connects romantically with nature. Going back to above...'neath/cold and naked limbs revealed/in darkness, shivering.' I see a comma before the last action to give a reader time to pause. That's just a suggestion, should one rewrite.

There is much more I could say, show with how I would rewrite the poem and display here fully. But, this is someone else's work and only my suggestions upon it. What I offer as constructive criticism could help educate others how to approach and consider before reviewing, should they take the time to study reviews rather than waiting for them to arrive in that inbox.

There is a lot of value to this haiku and with a little work would well represent the form we've borrowed from our Asian poet friends.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear John Author Icon,

Sometimes, I can come at a poem for feedback at odd angles and catch something that might reside, or my imagination might go into hyper overdrive and make up something there. This may be one of those experiences where I've been enlightened by a brief poem that references a quote from a former college basketball coach of note. I hope that my review doesn't stray too far from the poet's true intent.

Interesting, as I witness the oft composed acrostic, and it's a good thing we have our friend free verse to help make one such as this function so well. I cannot imagine squeezing the first letter of every line like this into a structured poetry form. The Wooden quote was familiar to me and assume from Express it in Eight activity as a prompt. Either way, with those first four lines, I felt the words flowing. Right from those nice line breaks within lines comes almost an internal rhyme...and that cadence that got me from "Soul" to "original." It makes me consider this type of rhyming structure that could be employed throughout a poem, just by taking a rhyming poem and free verse cutting it up with 'just so' line breaks...so these rhymes happen evenly but less noticeably by not ending hard on the end of a line like many do for emphasis, or punctuate that thought. I feel the approach to your narrative speaking style. from the outset, gave your poem a natural feel.

This effort of yours actually seems to become somewhat of a listing poem, as you offer reasons to back up statements as lists in two ways. I did catch an extra 'the' hanging out at the end of line three that was supposed to be, or is, the start of line four. Other than that, the message is clear and no one could argue these points. The overall message with the advice compiled within the poem comes together nicely.

The best sentiment in your output comes near the end of "Masterly" with "...Doubt is never/Replaced because you are continually growing, discovering, and
Loving what you are doing." It is true that if we focus on goals, don't step back, but be true to what we aim, it takes away those fears like failure that can shut one down and later live with regret for not trying. Your poem is "Giving the gift" of love to it's own creation to "truly make" a masterpiece. It was a pleasure to consider this poem for feedback.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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Review of Gruen Transfer  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Celebrating your writing this month with a review.


Happy Account Anniversary Sumojo Author Icon,

Well, I learned what the Gruen Transfer is, and affect on consumer shopping experience. In light of this, I can reread the poem and find the humor that takes the subject to the absurd, as a sort of commentary on the weird mall layout/shop designs. I can't visualize place, which might take longer than an eight line poem, but would be worth discovering from this perspective.

I'm going to make an assumption on the misspelling of c(h)rystal, adding to the commentary that this transfer place relating to what you came in for is replaced by something so enticing that it is unto itself, given a different name. If not, it's a misspell. *Laugh*

Am I living under a rock, because as prompt I'd be confused? However, if I don't take this poem too literally, it could imply one's relation to life like a Gruen Transfer, where we sometimes gets lost and find ourself doing something we didn't plan. It's kind of how ADHD leads me around by the nose? No? I'm leaning into that line, "I'm living in a memory trace" as evidence that it's about ruminating in one's own mind and feeling memory is not as sharp or crystal clear as it could be, once was? Perhaps, having been lead around in an overwhelming sense of wonderment leaving one wandering aimlessly.

To visually see the following and outcome is what feels funny, as we consider how sidetracked one can become:

"I came in here for milk and bread,
I’m sure that was the aim.
But now I’m buying tools instead,
And that’s not why I came."

It is great imagery and suggestion through these scenes to imply that we lose focus, can be impulsive, even do/buy things we could possibly have no need for. For me, it's a URL hit that leads to another and I'm off shopping for houses or cars when I just wanted something to keep our outdoor cat warm.

There is so much truth in what you offer. I liked that I could get perspective once knowing what this prompt was about, with this lack of experienced over here. But it's relatable and readers know what it's like to get lost somewhere that feels like a harmless trap, possibly playing on our wants over our needs? And it speaks to how the human mind functions, sometimes our information narrows down to the point thought becomes so complacent, it's limited. We are funneled into these charming places without realizing we've lost our way, our aim. Am I getting closer? *Laugh*

Either way, fun and a great exploration. This was neatly written and well depicted and has the necessary clarity to reach a reader and get a hopeful tickle. It can seem so surreal and yet very true. Thank you for sharing,

Brian
WDC Account Anniversary
and Angel Army Reviewer
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I seem to banging on your port door a lot, with this your anniversary month. Oh, there might be other visits. I kind of hang out where I get comfortable.


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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
~An Angel Army Newbie Review ~

Dear Marie Author Icon,

Sounds like fun word play with the repetition of think, because this short poem aptly expresses the poem topic: overthinking. I envy that you likely had fun with an epiphany to put this together.

I think the Hamlet inspired title could be a good fit. Many a parody of that play with his monologues, contemplation, speaking to his dead court jester’s rot skull, contemplating an existential life (a subject that could go on forever…it seems). Even good use of the description line that’s less a tease of the poem but a recap, that should give a reader an extra chuckle.

When I write something similar to this, I don’t stop. It begins free association. There’s lots of directions to take this further. You could interview you on the subject…Today: Does Marie think too much? Let’s ask Maria. Maria, you claim to overthink. Why is this?” “Well, it all started when I was a child and couldn’t decide on a flavor of ice cream and was holding up the line.”

It would be fun to make a listing poem, either about choices and why you’re on the fence (make it visual, too), places you think, the longest you’ve went without a thought…okay, I’m out of ideas. You get the gist.

Don’t settle on this. That’s the joy of word play, imagination, using poetry devices and structures to really flesh out what I think is a pretty neat start. You could also introduce long pauses with periods, dashes, long line breaks to show thinking in whatyou have offered here. I found it amusing and you should do more like this. If it gives you joy. If you’ve seen my blog, you’d know. I finish a poem, comment on the poem, add a coda, add a response poem, even make a math poem.

Well, that’s enough of me. It was cool I found this on the read and review page and prompted to respond. Hope to see you around again.

Brian
WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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Review of leafless  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Anne Mitch Author Icon,

Here comes a poem with an expression that is unique and one I have not heard of before. To compare winter to the chemo of nature feels inspired, but hope it is not from the sadness of having to go through it. *Sad*

I feel there are some things that still could be played with, like moving the arms of that depicted tree down and replacing it with the tree's top, before the famous chemo line. I feel that would be how to show, as intended with the autumn season, the loss of leaves like hair. In this way, you'll have a more natural order of what you depict with these images that also act with personification. This owuld better demonstrate theme.

You had a moment with the leaves struggling, as if to grow, in the fall. I find that tree's stop producing leaves before they turn color and fall. It is the oddest thing about fall how everything is dying and it is only preparing us for spring renewal. But the chemo reference could further show that renewal to overcome the 'cancer of fall?' Just riffing.

It would be fun and easy to play around with that expression and see where metaphorically it could go, rather than a short write. Showing through personification a tree that is bare and cold feels apt. There's that touch of sensory in there, amid the few poetic devices shown. If older, it's limbs can dry out and fall off, especially if it's had lichen, which is a sort of moss. Just sitballing.

Well, I'm glad I discovered this poem. Unique and interesting and like to see people stretch an expression into new arenas. I went on a jaunt in the search engine to find fall poems, since I'm feeling closer to that season now. Thanks for sharing.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Happy Account Anniversary Sumojo Author Icon!

There are some strong family roots in this poem and I do relate, and my mother was the same way. We kids were always kids to her, even though my brother and I thought maybe we'd get acknowledged as men. There's a learning curve in life.

You offer an eight line poem that also is from the Say It In Eight activity. Unsure of the prompt, but jumps right in with both feet.

"A mother’s hands, a mother’s touch,
Gentle, caring, strong."

This starts out with nice flow and rhythm that could begin to rock you, with those touching words for mother. Most poems can get off on that beat, but continuing in that cadence can be a bit of a struggle. It's not the smoothest sounding rhyming poem, but a second read through did help flatten out the bumps in my brain.

The ending for me is strongest; and whether the poet knows it or not, speaks for mom. She needs to be needed and always playing that role, as it serves her. She doesn't want to be done parenting, all in for life. It's sort of sweet to note her sentiment as my mother did the same. And it's true, hard for them to give up the reins, and it's about being needed...purpose. And getting to be grandmother, the best, spoiling your kids.

I'm rather fond of this and what you state. Poems like these are the hallmark of family poems which are great to share with loved ones, even frame, like this one.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Account Anniversary
and Angel Army Reviewer
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Review of Tree House  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY!!! from "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*
Celebrating your writing this month with a review.


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I remember this prompt from say it in eight and noted what kind of structure that was, for hunting, but imagined it could be used by children in the summer as a great tree house. Your poem is very nostalgic and makes me reminisce, as I'm sure many others will we they see it.

What I find relatable about this poem is this will to find alone time, either with the books or with one's imagination. It's great when you're a kid because life's problems aren't hanging over you. This poem makes a reader feel that freedom, without worry. I feel it takes us into that loft to experience the very same feelings.

The pastural nature of the poem is succinctly signified by that moment offered in the first line of the second verse, when lulled to sleep by the sheep. The connotation of counting to fall asleep, notwithstanding, is considered by this reader.

I did wonder about the end. I thought maybe a search would begin, as it felt this was way past supper time or bed, but that's just from a feeling that arose that left me a bit suspended and wondering if this boy will make it home, at least without a scolding.

This was a pleasant read and enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing,

Brian
WDC Account Anniversary
and Angel Army Reviewer
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Review of Nature's Quilt  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Wheelbarrow Poetry Group (Be A...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A raw, plucky poem that from title description had me interested and I love the potential of the crazy theme of leaves forming a quilt in this way.

It's not like it hasn't been said before, but you do it in such a descriptive, personified way that it does give a grin to read.

"Leaves are dancing,
coloring the sky,
sewing nature's scraps
into a crazy quilt..."

If you stopped right there...poem. You have imagery that grabs right from the open, and the summation with the crazy quilt. I think a rewrite of this poem could be fun if the ending line were that fourth line.

Sometimes, we set up a poem for that punctuated ending either for surprise or summary effect. I liked the following descriptiveness:

"...red and orange,
yellow and brown,
covering the grass
that will sleep until spring."

The purpose of a good winter sleep is a fine bedding of leaves. I'm thinking that switching the ending would be difficult with how the quilt functions after introduction. But, it wouldn't be hard because you don't have to explain what the leaves are doing until voila! a crazy quilt, after suggesting the grass needs a cover during winter so it can sleep until spring.

Just a few thoughts I had when I came across this. It's a visual read. It could employ a few other senses, with smell to begin with to give a fuller, richer read. But, fun little poem. Enjoyed it.

Brian


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