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Not interesting at all. Just like me. |
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In a text-based world, I'm beautiful. My favorite things in life: *cocoa *hugs *banana paraphernalia (chips, smoothies, ice cream....) *knowing that I am understood. *good pens/pencils *writing down my thoughts *serving *conversations of the deep sort. *spending time with those that I love. *a cleansing bunch of noise once in a while *quiet the rest of the time *blogging my lil heart out *understanding *noticing the little things that generally don't matter. *being just a little bit different *pretending to be a poser "You must do the things you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt. This is straightforwardly me. |
| And it's a powerful feeling. I can cut all ties easily enough. I've seen it done. No, I won't take your spot. No, I won't call up encouragement. I won't do it anymore. It's so draining. I'm selfish, but I'm preserving my well-being. I can help other people, but not this sort anymore. I'm ready to say goodbye. Few people who stick around are in any real need. Like me. I just whine about nowadays. Speaking of which, I've found real joy in life, and I'm looking for more. Sunshine does it for me today. Yesterday it was buffalo chips (a LateNite delicacy). It's called 'One Good Thing', and I'm about to try it. Everyday, find one good thing, large or small. It's only 12:30, and I already have mine. I haven't even left my apartment yet, and I've only been awake for half an hour. |
| I have this funny habit. I can't talk with my mouth full, but I can't not talk if something comes to mind. So I'll talk, but I'll put my hand over my mouth. At work I have to wear gloves while if I'm cooking. However, if I put the glove close to my mouth, I'm supposed to get a new one. So rather than that, I just flip my arm and talk into the back of my wrist. And they think it's to die for at work.  Yeah, whatever. "We got a code chili-cheese fry on order #77, over."  |
| Humpf. I'm just a little frustrated at the moment, but not at any particular thing. I may just be a grouch this week, because nothing huge has happened. Maybe that's why I'm upset. Nothing has happened. Have things changed? I believe that they have. Things have changed in my heart. (And I'm not speaking of the significant forgiveness [or lack thereof] that I have been so obsessed with lately.) I'm going to eat my Valetine's Day gift of a $4 hand-made truffle. {e:yum} Yes, that was worth $4. If heaven tasted like that, it's no wonder I've put my heart there. (usually) *licks fingers* I love being understood. I love having questions asked of me. I love knowing that I matter. I love being listened to. The opposite of these things isn't fun for me at all. Sometimes I just wish that I could be less worldly... And I hate how I can never say what's really wrong. (Sometimes, like today, I don't even know what's really wrong) I'll stop boring your eyes bloody now. |
| I haven't even really gotten around to sleeping today. I woke up on Friday at 10AM. I went to history. Then I sat in West A, a themed residence on campus, and played cards for a few hours. Then, at about 4 I went and sat behind a friend as she played Legend of the 5 Rings. I got bored and had to do laundry, so I did laundry. After and during laundry I watched most of 10 Things I Hate About You. After that, I went to work at 9. I worked until 3AM. At 3, it was so bitter cold that I decided not to return to my distant apartment, but rather to try and get back into West A. I thought I'd sleep on a couch and wait for it to warm up some outside. I talked with a group of guys until 7:30AM, when they all went to bed. I sat around and did absolutely nothing until 9, when I went back to my apartment. I ate. I went to bed at about 10AM. I woke up at 1PM. I've watched a movie, drank hot cocoa, and done NOTHING. I've had 3 hours of sleep. Thursday night I slept 6 hours. I don't know what the deal is. It's typical for me to get 6 hours. That's good. But my body wouldn't let me sleep. About every other night I really get shafted for sleep. I've barely even thought of homework. I prayed a little bit. I haven't done my devotion. I've done NOTHING today!!!! I'm gonna go do... nothing. |
I've got goosebumps. And I'm about to cry. He really does love me.  My brother saw my dad today. And he loves me. He feels bad because he can't pay for my college. And Lank, insightful as he may not seem but actually is, said that Dad still loves me. That much. No matter what he's done. I don't care how many times over he deserves to be in prison. I'm selfish. I don't need justice for Dad. He doesn't know who I am, or very much about me at all, but he loves me. I'm loved. He loves me. He cares. Hell, he's proud that I'm working 3rd shift, because he always had a really hard time with it. It's good when something makes you cry, and you're not sad. |
| Oy. Somebody tell me to behave, eh? I have class in 40 minutes across campus. I'm not dressed. I'm not smelling too hot. I haven't done my devotion. I just woke up. It's my only class today, and it's just history lecture... But once I get into the habit of skipping, I'll do it all the time. (The last 3 semesters I was really bad about it, but I haven't even skipped once this semester...) So yeah, I should be getting dressed or something. PS: My bike froze over last night. I had to walk home. I called home to wake my brother up and make him talk to me, but instead I woke up my mom. I lied and made her think I was riding my bike, though. I didn't want hear her falsetto, "Oh, that's so dangerous. I'm going to buy you a can of WD40 for your pocket!" Although I have been planning on buying some mace. I had a 3AM scare a few weeks back, and I want to be prepared next time. |
| He'll say that. I hope. In the meantime, I feel like I'm biding my time. Will I always just be biding my time? When am I gonna see some action? When am I gonna do some good? Brad, Lindsey, and Jenny. They've been weighed on my heart and I'm doing jack shit about it. They say you spend 4 years of your life waiting in line. How much of it do you spend biding your time, though? All of it? Waiting for high school? Waiting for college? Waiting for the 'right one'? Waiting to be 21? Waiting to have kids? Etc, etc, etc. I'm waiting for college to be over. I'm waiting for John to show me that he's got any interest at all. (Yeah, I'm beyond the game of, 'I don't want him to think that I like him more than he likes me'. I like him. I think I've made that clear.) i don't know right now. |
| You could ask me almost anything, any time of day, under almost any circumstances, and I'll tell you the truth. It's caused a small bit of problem before, mostly because I can't keep a secret, but for the most part, it hasn't. Why hasn't it? Because I talk enough that no one asks me questions, and I've got the propriety not to bring certain things up. (usually) Although there was the time I was talking loudly about virginity in Bed, Bath and Beyond.... Oh, and then there's http://kevan.org/johari?name=Aradne You should do it. Please? Pretty please? (think of how rarely I actually ask...) |
| I've had a bit of up and down today, but despite the downs, the up is still wonderful. Most of you probably know that involution has decided to leave WDC. And everyone who cares to know, knows about my "Life's Tallies" thing. I think I'm getting kinda/pretty sick here. Not good. My face has been really warm for a few days, and today I realized I'm not breathing very deeply, and deep breathing kinda hurts. It wouldn't bug me, but sick in this manner means $$$. I don't have $$$. I've got loans. The good part of my day? I have wonderful friends who sometimes do unbelievably selfless things for me. For the ones who encourage. For the ones who challenge me spiritually. For the ones who are just there whenever I need them. For the ones who mean it when they ask, "How are ya?" I'm blessed.   |
| Funny, that sentence says it all. It's fun to pretend that I'm good at cooking and cleaning. It's fun to pretend that I'm not that needy. It's fun to pretend a lot of things. (neither of the stated things are what's really on my mind, oddly enough....) My newest technique to help me fall asleep: fantasizing about studying, etc. Oh, and flexing all the muscle groups in my body, starting with my toes. I'm usually asleep by the time I get to my abdomen. And then there's the one that's always worked: Don't go to bed until you're drop-dead, watery-eyed, can't-stay-awake tired. And for those who've been dying to read it, "Invalid Item"  Please note the rating, and keep in mind that I didn't rate it thus lightly. |
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And when you think about it, what kind of a Christian you are is really between you and God, strictly. Never feel ashamed of falling short. If God wanted us to be perfect today, we certainly would be. 