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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| The last few days here have been really hot, which has been a bit of a shock to system seeing as the weather recently has been so cold and rainy. My energy levels have taken a massive dive and I feel worn out from doing nothing! Last night I went swimming with my sister, which is probably another reason my energy feels so low today. We’ve been three times recently now but before that I hadn’t been swimming in years. Probably about ten years or even more. I am badly out of practise. I don’t enjoy it too much, especially as I have this tendency to inhale the water, which is a really, really unpleasant experience! But I’ve agreed to do it for CBT and I’m quite surprised that so far I’ve managed to stick at it. We’re slowly getting better and managed four more laps than we did the previous time. On Wednesday I am meeting with a guy to talk about doing some new volunteer work. The position is nature walk assistant and involves working with adults who have learning disabilities. I’m pretty nervous. If it works out and I can do it, I’ll be even more nervous! I have no experience of working with people with learning disabilities. It might be a little while before I can start though, as they ask for references and I will have to get a CRB check as well. I really haven’t blogged about this much (if at all), but I am seriously considering going back to University to re-train as a nurse. I feel so angry with myself when I think how I chose to do the wrong degree. When I was applying for University, right up until the last minute I was going to do psychology. Then I had a bit of a panic about the thought of having to work with people and switched to do Animal Biology and Conservation instead. I wish so badly that I had given it more thought and even put off going for a year. I wasn’t in the right place mentally to make such an important decision. I was still kind of traumatised about my parents splitting up and the stuff that happened at school. I was grieving over the death of my brother too. When I’m down, it feels like this was the biggest mistake of my life but I know I shouldn’t think like that. Even if I never end up using my degree, I got so much out of my time at University that it would be kind of silly to regret ever going. And if I do get into nursing, it might be possible for me to take a fast-track course as I already have a biology-based degree. But I don’t know about that yet. Anyway, I have until January to make a decision if I want to start a course in October 2013. There’s no way I’m going to commit to a course until I’m 100% sure I want to do it and would be able to handle it (and that I can get funding!) |
| I didn’t think my life could get any weirder, but the doctor I saw today was a cross between Doofy from Scary Movie and Steve from Sex and the City. He was the strangest guy, but I kind of liked him. He made me laugh (sometimes intentionally, mostly unintentionally!) I was there for over an hour and it was pretty gruelling. He asked me a lot of personal stuff. We went through the whole “do you have an eating disorder/you’re very thin” thing. I’ll admit I have some problems around food/my weight/body image etc but I do not consider it an eating disorder and I’m certainly not starving myself, which is what people keep implying. BUT... he wanted to prescribe me a medication that commonly causes weight gain and that definitely isn’t acceptable to me. When I said that he asked again “do you have a problem with your weight?” to which I replied (rather wittily in my opinion!  ) “No, I like my weight and want it to stay the same.” Okay, so maybe it wasn’t the snappiest comeback but I was under a lot of stress!Anyway, it has been left that he’ll write to my GP and recommend a medication which I can then read up on and take if I want. So that’s fine by me! My CBT appointment was actually okay today. I managed to bring up the whole thing about my “non-engagement” and it was good to discuss that and tell them my viewpoint. I’m feeling a little bit more comfortable with the therapist now as I think this is the longest I’ve gone with one person. It is going to be reviewed soon, which makes me nervous, but I am fairly hopeful they’ll let me continue. I have made some progress, even if it is only a tiny amount. So it has been an exhausting day but not a totally disastrous one. It certainly turned out better than I thought it would! |
| Yesterday was so boring that 12 hours actually felt like an entire year. But I did manage to get everything sorted out for my sister’s birthday on Thursday, so that’s good. I also watched soooooo much TV, so that isn’t as good! I watched the second episode of a documentary series about Great Ormond Street Hospital and it is heart-breaking. I have, at various times, considered being in the medical profession, and recently I’ve been thinking that it would be cool to be a nurse, but I’ve never, ever considered working in paediatrics because I know I just couldn’t do it. I think I’d probably have an emotional breakdown everyday so I have a lot of respect for the people who actually do work in that field. I’m trying to summon up the energy, motivation and confidence to do some reviews. I think I have about 12 left and then I’ve done all the ones for my contest. I know, I know, I’m months late with that but at least I am going to do them all, like I said I would. The other day I spent some time reading and commenting on blogs and even stopped by a couple I hadn’t read before. I didn’t get any responses for those though and that makes me anxious.  I think I’ll stick to talking to people I know from now on!Tomorrow I have CBT and then I have an appointment with a psychiatrist straight after to review my medication. The medication I’m not taking! Argh! I’m so, so anxious and am not even sure at the moment if I will be able to go to the appointment. I’ve always been scared of doctors because of what happened to me at 14, but recently, since my doctor left, that has just gotten worse and worse. Then I had three really bad recent experiences. One was when the doctor was so unbelievably unfriendly and made me feel like I was wasting her time. And then there was my first experience of talking to a psychiatrist, which was just awful! And then the most recent appointment, where the doctor thought it would be okay to give me a massive lecture on medication. Since then I haven’t been to the doctors, even though I know I really need to go for various reasons. But my heart starts to beat faster just from walking past the building so I don’t know how I’m going to go in there again!Now I need to stop blogging and get on with stuff! |
| The UK government are currently persecuting people off work due to illness and disability, forcing many people to undergo inadequate re-assessments for benefits, making them jump through ridiculous and humiliating hoops, and pushing many people into work when they are not yet well enough. The government are so eager to get people back into work (which is understandable of course, though doesn’t justify their draconian measures) yet they have cut funding support to many vital charities, including the service that I use, which helps people with mental health difficulties get back into employment. The cuts to this particular service means that they can no longer offer unlimited support, allowing people to go at their own pace and reducing the risk of people suffering a relapse from increased pressure and stress caused by returning to work too early. Now there is a time-limit of a year with the possibility of an extra three months added onto it. My year and three months will be up in September and I very much doubt that I will be ready to work then. I have no idea what will happen to me or how I’ll manage. Why are the government cutting funds to such important charities which are trying to help people get into work? The government want more people to work. These services help people to work. Surely it would make sense to invest more into these services rather than take from them, so that more people could be helped back into employment? ARGH! It just doesn’t make sense! Plus, all this cut-cut-cutting is reducing available jobs, so ill and disabled people are being forced to seek work which just isn’t there! It is madness. Total madness. And it makes me feel sick. Now for something a bit more cheerful: the Olympics will be starting soon! I always look forward to it but this time will be extra special because it is being hosted by my country.  The Olympic torch is passing through my town on July 9th, so that’s kind of exciting. I’ll have to try and remember not to drive anywhere that day as several big roads will be closed and I have trouble finding my way around anyway! |
| Hmmm... I have decided not to go for that third job after all... I went to the confidence workshop this morning and realised that I’m definitely not ready to work. It was AWFUL! I was the only person in the whole room who didn’t say anything. I couldn’t even introduce myself. It was completely ridiculous. I just got overwhelmingly anxious for several reasons. Firstly, the room was so small and there were a lot of people in it. I don’t like having to sit close to people, especially if I don’t know them, so that made me very uncomfortable. Also, I couldn’t sit by the door, which is something else that makes me feel so anxious. I used to get that at University all the time when I went to lectures. If I couldn’t sit right by the door, I couldn’t relax and sometimes couldn’t even stay. I know it’s stupid but I just like knowing that I can leave the room as quickly and unobtrusively as possible if I need to. Another thing, there was just me and this other girl who hadn’t introduced ourselves and the teacher looked at us and said “how about you ladies? Are you comfortable saying a bit about yourself?” I was just about to say my name when she cut in with “that’s okay, let’s move on.” I would have done it if she’d given me a moment but she didn’t and that made me feel stupid so I was unable to contribute anything to the rest of the session. The session was extremely scattered and I couldn’t follow it half the time. It also turned into a bit of a “who has the worst life/most problems” whinge-fest and there was no way I was going to take part in that. I know I’m excellent at feeling sorry for myself and moan like crazy in my blog but I definitely wouldn’t do that anywhere else, even in a CBT session! I don’t see being ill as some kind of twisted competition. There were a lot of characters in the room, which I guess isn’t surprising when you gather together people who struggle with mental illness. The guy sat next to me was so annoying. He kept fidgeting and moving too close to me. He contributed loads but only in mumbles so the teacher had to ask him to repeat himself a lot. There was another lady who just seemed so bitter and I truly, truly hope I never become like that. Another guy kept... um... passing wind!!!  So it was a disaster and now I’m dreading the full course, which starts in June and is taught by the same lady, but I still want to do it. I think it’s more of a proactive course and it runs for six weeks. I think I’d get more out of that but I’m not sure if I’m actually allowed to do it yet or if I’m on the reserves list. I’ll have to ask my advisor next week. What a day! |
| Today I had another frustrating appointment with my employment advisor. He asked if I’d looked through the list of volunteer opportunities I was given on Thursday. I said yes and that nothing immediately jumped out at me but that three have potential. He looked at them and we talked a bit but I didn’t make a decision and he didn’t try to help me make one. Then he asked if there was anything else I wanted to look at. I said I’d seen another job I was thinking of applying for and showed him the advert. He looked at it and then we talked a bit about that too but didn't do anything. We also talked a bit about the confidence workshop I’ve signed up to which is tomorrow and I also signed up for another course. Then he said something like “well, we’re a bit stuck now really aren’t we?” He went on to say that he was feeling useless and didn’t know what to do. Um... what?!?! I brought volunteer opportunities and a job advert. We could have looked at those in more detail or looked at the job application form. We talked about how my confidence is a major factor keeping me out of work and even though I’m signed up for frigging confidence and interpersonal skills courses to try and fix that we’re still “stuck” and “not moving forward”. I am so completely confused. What do these people want from me? Really? Whatever I do or say is never enough and I honestly can’t understand where I am going wrong. This is so incredibly frustrating and distressing. I really can’t deal with it anymore. So that has been my day. I’m applying for this third job even though it scares the hell out of me. I’m not sure I’m ready to work but nobody is helping me so I feel now that I just have to try it out and see if I can do it. I don’t know if this is stupid and I don’t know what will happen if I get a job and then it doesn’t work out but I suppose I’ll just have to go with the flow. I always have suicide as a back-up plan. Ha ha. I wish that really was a sick joke but it isn’t. It is my current most twisted thought. My life feels like a disaster at the moment. So that’s why I haven’t been around much again. That’s why I haven’t written a poem since the beginning of March. And that’s why I am completely falling apart!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!     |
| I am feeling a little better though I have had an extremely stressful day. I decided to apply for those two jobs even though I really don’t think I have much of a chance (or any chance at all!) I’m not the sort of person to not try something because I am afraid of failure and I know I would have been so disappointed in myself if I hadn’t gone for them. I know my job and educational experiences have been pretty atypical but maybe that won’t work against me. My applications may have faults but I do think they are interesting. I have an unusual degree and have done a variety of jobs (paid and unpaid), such as working in a theme park and all the environmental stuff. One thing I am sure of is that my applications will stand out. Whether they will stand out for good or bad reasons is another matter and something I don’t know! So I’ve spent all day working on that. I emailed my old tutor from University to ask him if I could use him as a referee. That was kind of humiliating really but I just explained I’ve been ill a lot since graduating. He was happy for me to list him. I also asked the lady who runs the volunteer programme I have been going to. That was extremely awkward and probably not a good idea as I’ve only known her since January and haven’t exactly been reliable. But she was fine with it and she’s so nice I really doubt she’d give me a bad reference if it came to it. I started work on my applications at 9.30 this morning and was finished by about 4 this afternoon. I took very few breaks! So now I am exhausted, especially as I also took my dog for a long walk afterwards (to make up for neglecting her all day) and have a very heavy cold. Now I just need to collapse and not do anything else for the rest of the night! I’m finding it a little hard to unwind though.  I’m proud of myself for getting everything sorted out and for actually applying for two jobs but now I just feel so drained and kind of sad for no reason I can work out. But I won’t dwell on this...I just renewed my membership so will be sticking around on WDC for at least another year!  |
| I’m so upset. I’m having the shittiest time and can’t see much point in even trying anymore. I’ve seen two jobs that both seem ideal for me, and I really feel I could do either of them, but there is absolutely no point in me applying because I can’t provide references, I have huge gaps in my CV and I have no meaningful experience. On paper, I’m weak (apart from my degree), yet I think I’d be able to sell myself in an interview. Too bad the application form has to come first. I told my career’s advisor about them but he wasn’t especially encouraging or helpful. He said if I want to go for them, he can help me with the application form over the phone or by email. But the form is so complicated and now I’m really not sure I can be bothered. I don’t know who I’m kidding anyway. I’m shit at life so doubt I can even hold down a job anyway. I spent the whole of my appointment with my advisor today listening to him tell me he’s “drawing a blank” with me and that he’s “a bit stuck” and “doesn’t know what to say”. I’m so sick of this happening to me and honestly don’t know where I’m going wrong. It's really starting to make me think that I am actually crazy. Each time he said something like that, I got more and more rambling in an attempt to say something useful. But nothing I said helped in the slightest. Yesterday, I was given a care plan by my therapist and got to read all the things they’ve said about me—stuff like “extremely difficult to engage” and “ambivalent about help” and “avoidant personality”—things that make me seem like a complete idiot who is just making things difficult for everyone and not even trying to get better. I did already realise that I’m “difficult” to engage, but the word “extremely” really hurts! And one of the main reasons I’m so “extremely difficult to engage” is because I can’t trust them due to them fobbing me off so often, passing me on to other services and not doing things when they say they’ll do them. I do have good things in my life but knowing that doesn’t help. The crap stuff has become too much. I think of dying almost all the time but I don’t have the courage to do anything about it. I don’t think I can get better and I can’t stand the thought that this is my life and this is how it is always going to be. |
| I haven’t blogged in a month! Or done much around here at all. I miss WDC. But I managed to do my Simply Positive reviews today so that’s good! Life has been really shitty. I was in a car accident. My sister’s boyfriend was driving and my sister was also in the car. We skidded on the wet road and smacked into a roundabout. The car spun round and hit the kerb. It was terrifying. Nobody was badly hurt (apart from the car), thank goodness, but my neck was painfully stiff for about a week afterwards and my anxiety levels have increased loads. I’m now a nervous wreck when driving at night and/or in the rain. I’ve noticed my OCD has been a lot worse too. I’m still having CBT and it is still very, very tough. It is going slow, which is frustrating, and I nearly gave up, but I decided in my last session to keep going with it. Basically I’m still horribly depressed and feel that my life is pointless. Wish I had something more positive to say! |
| I can’t stop listening to “Without You” by David Guetta feat. Usher! It is my favourite song at the moment. It’s weird—I don’t usually like this kind of music. In fact, I usually hate it! But this song is AMAZING. It makes me feel. I don’t know exactly what, but it does... if that makes sense! Today I am fed-up. I went along to my appointment and found out that C, the psychologist, will no longer be taking my sessions. I’ll just see her for reviews of my treatment etc. I’m now working with M. She’s nice but I’m pissed off that 1. C didn’t tell me I won’t be working with her anymore and 2. I now have to spend time getting used to and comfortable with yet another new person. I feel betrayed by C, if I’m honest. I feel let-down by the whole mental health service. They have done nothing but mess me about. Now I feel really guarded with M and am unwilling to be completely open and honest with her in case she leaves or decides she can’t work with me or they decide I need another type of treatment or whatever. It is not particularly helpful to feel so insecure and mistrustful of the people who are supposed to be helping me. But I've been passed from service to service and person to person way too many times. It's no wonder I'm not getting any better—I barely get started with any treatment before I get kicked out! I am so unbelievably tired of life. And I’m so unbelievably tired of saying this crap over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... Will it ever end? |
| My eye appointment was fine. The doctor couldn’t find anything wrong and thinks I just had a type of migraine. So that’s a relief! As part of the exam she put some drops in my eyes to dilate my pupils, which made my vision blurry too. These effects wear off in around 4-6 hours though, but for now I have very crazy looking eyes! I learned the other day that you can pay for laser eye surgery on a monthly basis, though you still have to pay a £200 deposit (at least). I think I’m going to save up. I would love, love, love to have freedom from glasses and contact lenses. It’s not just a vanity thing when it comes to wearing my glasses. Wearing them has a huge impact on my self-esteem that I can’t seem to fix. As for contact lenses, I can’t wear them for as long as I’d like, and they are never entirely comfortable. So yes, I am going to give laser eye surgery a serious thought! I’m not going volunteering tomorrow. Last week we started constructing a path and I found it so difficult and didn’t enjoy it at all. They’ll be continuing with that again tomorrow, so I really don’t feel like going. A while ago I blogged that we were going to be working on a pond near my house—clearing out the silt and tidying the area etc—and we did! Well, that has really paid off as three ducks have moved to the pond! Yay! I love going to see them and thinking that they’re there because of something I helped to do.I must stop blogging now as my eyes are hurting! |
| I’m doing a little better today than I was in the early hours of this morning. I’m exhausted though! I have my appointment with the eye specialist tomorrow. I’m quite nervous but am glad it has come through so quickly and will soon be over. My sister is starting driving lessons on Thursday with the instructor who taught me. He remembered me, which is nice! Can’t believe I’ve had my licence for almost a year and a half. Sometimes I still can’t believe I can drive! Learning to drive is one of the best things I have ever done for myself. I’ve had a quiet, slow, boring day so I won’t blog about it! |
| I hate to say it—because it makes me feel so pathetic and selfish and a whole bunch of other crappy things—but my life is awful at the moment. I am in hell. And the worst thing is knowing that this hell has been created, and is being sustained, by my own mind. It feels like there is some kind of invisible plague in my brain, taking over everything. My illness has become my life, my personality, my identity. I loathe it more than anything, yet I don’t know who I’d be without it. I don’t know what to do to get rid of it. I spend my time just trying to get through the day, often minute-by-minute. Things like having a shower and walking the dog feel like huge achievements. I wait an agonising week for an hour appointment in which I hope I can finally manage to express myself and figure out what I need, only to mess it all up again and again. I am beyond weary of the knot of thoughts in my mind that I cannot untangle, no matter how hard I try or what I try. I am sick of the overwhelming feelings that are drowning me. And I don’t even have the energy or courage to do the one thing that will put an end to all this stuff permanently. Anyone who has ever gotten over this illness, or even gotten to a point where they can manage it, has my utmost respect and admiration. I wouldn’t wish this hell on my worst enemy. It is evil. Pure evil. Sorry to be so melodramatic in public! I’ve had a stressful day and I can’t sleep and I feel the need to tell the world (or at least anyone reading my blog!) that I feel like shit. |
| This entry is a response to a prompt from the "Invalid Item" What is your earliest childhood memory? Tell about it. My earliest memory is a snippet of an event that happened when I was about two years old. The memory is kind of boring, though what actually happened is an exciting tale of blood and gore. Well... not really! Anyway, what I remember is a room with a big photocopier (or some kind of machine) in the middle. That’s it! Out of everything that happened that day, I can only remember that room. I have no idea why it had such a big impression on me! This is what actually happened, or so I’ve been told. I was with my family at the leisure centre and was messing about or something like that. I tripped on some concrete steps, fell and cracked my head open. Apparently there was blood everywhere. I’m not exactly sure how the room I remember comes into the whole episode, but I know it’s related. I think maybe it was part of the leisure centre, and we went in there while someone got a first aid kit or something. But I don’t remember feeling distressed or in pain or anything like that. I had to go to the hospital too and got butterfly stitches, but I can’t recall any of that. Weird! I now have a 1cm scar, right in the middle of my forehead as a permanent souvenir of that day. I call it my Harry Potter scar! I really don’t know why I can remember that room or even how I know it’s connected to that event, but I do. The mind is an amazing thing and mine works in very, very strange ways!!! |
| Earlier this week I completed my Simply Positive reviews for the first time in absolutely ages. I think I last took part in the group (properly) over a year ago. This is a big deal! Reviewing has become so hard for me so this feels like an achievement. I am proud of myself! I achieved something else too,even bigger than completeing my reviews. I wrote my first poem in about five months! It isn’t much but I’m just glad to have written it. Here it is:
It’s a bit silly but fun, I think. And hopefully it’s kind of educational... that’s what I was going for anyway! It’s nice to feel like I’m coming back to WDC. I’m taking things very slowly so I don’t get overwhelmed. I have a habit of putting too much pressure on myself. My offline life has been pretty crappy, which is why I haven’t been around too much. I am still being treated APPALINGLY by the mental health service. I’ve had a few sessions of CBT with a psychologist though I have a feeling that’s going to be stopped tomorrow. Last week I had my first ever appointment with a psychiatrist, which was... er... interesting, to put it politely! To start with, the doctor had the wrong patients notes in front of her and it took her about ten minutes to figure this out, despite me telling her early on that I’m 25 actually, not 20, like her notes said. She also failed to put the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door so we got interrupted THREE times. Grrrr! And if that wasn’t enough, yesterday I got a copy of the letter that has been sent from the psychiatrist to my GP and there are so many mistakes in it, it’s unbelievable. She’s got details wrong, seemingly made things up and made me out to be an absolute idiot who isn’t even trying to get better. Great. Now I’m so worried about other things that have been sent to my GP, that maybe I didn’t get a copy of. What if there’s incorrect information on those things too? This stuff goes in my medical records! This has all been stressful enough, but there’s more! On Thursday I was reading when the vision in my left eye suddenly went weird. I saw streaks of light that seemed to block my vision, so when I looked down at the words on the page, it looked like there were chunks missing from the letters. It was scary but I managed not to panic. It didn’t last long but I thought I should get it checked out. My mum took me to the walk-in centre. Urgh, I hate it there! The doctor examined my eyes and didn’t find anything wrong. He advised me to get an appointment with an optometrist as soon as possible, so I went the next day. They did loads of tests including putting these horrible drops in my eyes, which made them sting and blurred my vision. Thankfully they didn’t find anything wrong but have referred me to a specialist to rule out one more thing, just to be on the safe side. The optometrist suspects I had a type of migraine. So that was my week! I hope next week won’t be as stressful... I need to start blogging more regularly, otherwise I end up writing essays like this! |
| Urgh, I’ve been so inactive on WDC recently and feeling quite down about it. I’m finding it hard to come back. I haven’t reviewed anything or written any poems in ages and I keep neglecting my poor blog. I want to come back, I just feel so unmotivated with everything. |
| I’m 25! I had a nice birthday and got some great presents. I went out for a meal with all my favourite people! It was fun. I’m not sure how I feel about being 25. But it’s quite scary how fast my twenties are flying by! It is cold here in England at the moment. COLD. I’m feeling quite badly affected by it, which is unusual for me. I feel almost constantly chilled. My energy and motivation levels are at zero and I just want to hibernate until the spring. I wish I could do that. At the moment I have to force myself to walk the dog. It’s horrible. At least I’m getting a two day break from tomorrow as my Mum will be walking her this weekend. I hate feeling like this. I’m naturally quite an active person so not being able to do much is very frustrating. I know I should be eating more and I know that would help, but I don’t have the energy at the moment and an extremely painful mouth ulcer is making eating even more of a chore than usual. I didn’t go volunteering yesterday. I had to drop Mark off at the station and I was feeling very sad. That, as well as the cold weather and just feeling quite run down meant I really didn’t feel up to it. I know I should have made more of an effort to go along. I’m angry at myself. But I can’t take it back now. I will try harder to go next week. I’m so, so tired. |
| I thought I’d share a great video as my blog needs a bit of positivity. Derek Redmond’s courage and determination and his Dad’s show of love and support are truly inspirational and made me feel quite teary-eyed! I read recently that his Dad is going to carry the Olympic torch. What a well-deserved honour! Anyway, here’s the video. I’m sure many people have seen it but I only discovered it a while ago: [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Wish I had a cool Dad! Tomorrow I’m going volunteering. I’ve started a new placement and have been twice now. I’m not at the point yet where I’m enjoying it, but I think I could get there. The people are lovely. I learned all about hedge-laying in the two sessions I attended. It is hard but satisfying work! Tomorrow they are working to restore a pond on my estate so I don’t even have to drive anywhere! It will be nice to work on a conservation project that will directly benefit me and my local community. I’m not exactly sure what I’ll be doing and that makes me anxious but I’m willing to give it a go... |
| My poor neglected blog! I haven’t haunted it in 33 days apparently. That’s quite shocking for me. I’m not too sure why I stopped blogging to be honest. A lot has happened but I just haven’t really felt like writing about it. I wish my first blog entry in a month could be more positive, but I don’t have much of a reason to feel positive at the moment. My depression is as bad as ever, if not worse and the mental health service is CRAP. I am FURIOUS with them. FURIOUS. At my last appointment it was left that I would contact CL (the woman who did my assessment and has been my main point of contact with the service) after Christmas, when I got home from Mark’s, to arrange another appointment with CH, the psychologist. I got home from Mark’s on Tuesday 3rd of January. I called the service the next day and left a message for CL to call me. Did she call me? Of course not! I gave her until Monday the 9th and called again. She was of course unavailable again, so I left another message for her to call me. Shockingly CL did return my call, though hours later. I was incredibly flustered when I answered the phone as my sister had gotten up and I was worried she’d overhear me. I didn’t feel able to answer CL’s questions, got very overwhelmed and had major trouble expressing myself. Instead of being patient with me (which you’d think someone who works with distressed and vulnerable people would be) she was rude and patronising. After I’d told her I couldn’t really talk she kept repeatedly asking “when should I call back?” I was trying to tell her that I wasn’t sure if and when my sister would be leaving, so couldn’t say a time, but she didn’t give me the space to do that. Instead she said “it’s a simple question!” Then she said that I could call her back when I was able, to which I said something along the lines of “but you’re never available!” She got so defensive and responded with “I’m a duty worker, Jess” in an unbelievably exasperated and patronising tone that suggested I should know (and care) what being a duty worker entails. When I told her I don’t know what that means she explained that she spends most of the day conducting assessments and has to deal with any crises that come up. That’s fair enough but I don’t care! If she’s too busy to deal with me, why doesn’t she refer me to someone who has more time? Wish I’d asked that! I’m at a point where I don’t give a damn about anyone else. I’m looking out for myself, and I only have enough energy for that. I’ve spent the last month feeling as if I’m on the edge. I’m desperate and need help and doing whatever I can to get it. Not that it’s working!Anyway, an hour later I was able to call back and by some miracle CL was available. She said that she’d immediately email the psychologist to arrange an appointment for me and would also be seeing her on Wednesday, so could remind her if necessary. I wasn’t satisfied but I left it at that. Did I hear back about an appointment? No, of course not! I didn’t feel able to follow it up until today, two weeks later and can hardly believe what has happened. I didn’t ask to speak to CL because I’m through with dealing with her. I thought she was incompetent anyway and what I learned today has only confirmed that. I explained my situation to the receptionist, about how CL was supposed to have made an appointment for me. She looked at my details and then informed me that I was listed as “Did Not Attend” for two appointments. I was shocked! I’ve attended all my appointments with them. I’ve done everything they’ve asked of me, including going to the doctors, which I really didn’t want to do. The receptionist told me that an appointment was made for the 11th and also for today, but that I didn’t show up. Maybe I didn’t show up because nobody let me know these appointments had been made!!!!!!! I really hope the receptionist believed me. I couldn’t tell. She said she’d email the psychologist and ask her to call me. I don’t know when that will be. Probably never!I am so incredibly pissed off with the whole thing and disgusted with how much they have messed me around. I can’t believe it has happened. I can’t believe they are so incompetent. I wish I had the energy to make a formal complaint. Wow this is long! And I haven’t even included ALL the crap they have put me through. I just needed to get the main bits out. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know where to turn to get help. |
| I’m tired and stressed again. I’m not in a good way, mentally. My appointment with the doctor on Monday was pointless and extremely stressful. It triggered some flashbacks too, which hasn’t happened for a while now. Even though my “support worker” from the mental health service had left a message about why I was there, the doctor seemed confused and put out. Basically the message said I was there to discuss my medication and diet/weight. I don’t really know what’s so confusing about that! The doctor rang the other service to try to get more information but she still seemed at a loss afterwards. She was so unfriendly and also kept rubbing her face as if she was stressed and irritated. She made me feel like I was wasting her time. She asked me about my diet but by then I was feeling really overwhelmed and upset so I just said I didn’t want to talk about it. At one point she referred to my eating “difficulties” as an “eating disorder”, which I found offensive. I do NOT have an eating disorder. Having said that, I am so obsessive about my weight. If I go over 6 stone 8 (which isn’t as bad as it sounds seeing as I’m only 5 feet small) I feel horrible. I feel so fat and will try to eat less the next day. My weight seems to go up and down between 6 stone 5 and 6 stone 8. I do not have a healthy “relationship” with food and have major issues when it comes to my body image but I don’t think it’s bad enough to be classed as an eating disorder. I think it could get bad enough, but for now, thankfully, I’m in control. Well, just about. Anyway, I’ve been prescribed a new antidepressant. I’m now going to try Fluoxetine, which I can only take in liquid form as the capsules contain gelatine. I hope it tastes nice. I’m going to Mark’s tomorrow and will be spending Christmas in Cardiff. I’m looking forward to it and can’t wait to see Mark, but I’ll miss my family. I’m sad that I won’t get to see them open their presents. I’ll miss my Jadey loads too, of course. Now I really should go and get some sleep seeing as it’s 2am and I have a busy day tomorrow. I hope my next blog entry will be more cheerful. |
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