%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  My first blog! |
|
A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| From about the age of four (possibly earlier) to the age of fifteen I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a vet and I never even considered any other career choice. Ever. I was so focused on it. I have always loved animals and my family have always kept pets so I have lots of experience caring for them. Before I became severely depressed I was incredibly passionate about animal rights and welfare. I became a vegetarian when I was just seven years old because I hated the thought of an animal having to die. At eleven I started volunteering at the RSPCA cattery in my local area. Once a week I would go and feed the cats, clean out their pens and spend time with them. I loved it. I did this for four years. I also used to donate money to several animal charities and I helped out with fundraising by doing sponsored walks. I used to take information packs about animal rights into school and also petitions, such as anti-foxhunting petitions etc. I was obsessive about it, but in a good way. It was a healthy obsession. It was good for me as it was useful and fulfilling. Also, around the same time, I started horse riding. I was never that into the actual riding to be honest but I would spend my whole weekend at the stables just helping to take care of the horses. Most of the other girls did this to get a free riding lesson but I would have done it even without that incentive. I just loved being around the horses and making sure they were happy. So what happened? Everything changed when I did compulsory work experience at fifteen. I did mine in a veterinary surgery of course. This can’t have been too long after I had an incredibly traumatic experience which I recognise as the cause of my long battle with depression. Now I wonder if that was in some way to blame for what happened, though I definitely wouldn’t have made that connection back then seeing as I did everything in my power to repress the memory of the traumatic event. Anyway, I hated my work experience. Maybe it was just because I was starting to become very depressed but I don’t know. It didn’t feel right when I was there and I couldn’t see myself doing it in the future anymore. I cannot adequately express how soul-destroying this was for me. All my life I’d been certain of what I wanted to do and how my life would be and suddenly it was all gone. I was completely lost. I felt broken. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I lost my identity. I spent the next couple of years trying to get over this and figure out what the hell I wanted to do with my life. I never really settled on anything. I thought for a while maybe I could be a doctor but I wasn’t passionate enough about it. When it came to thinking about University and choosing degree courses I was still unsure about exactly what direction I wanted to take. I was doing Psychology, Sociology and Biology A levels and was best at psychology so thought maybe I should just stick with what I was best at. I picked psychology and neuroscience degree courses and even wrote my supporting statement for my University applications. But then I remembered I don’t like people and that I have poor social skills. I started thinking that psychology was a bad choice as it would ultimately lead to working directly with people and that really panicked me. At the last minute I changed all my courses to animal related ones. This seriously was last minute—right before the deadline for applying—and I barely had time to explore the courses in detail but I was so depressed at this point I didn’t really care much about it. My parents were splitting up, my “friends” were abandoning me and then my brother died. I think if all this crap hadn’t been going on I would have been more able to focus on my future and put more thought into it. I would have visited all the Universities I’d applied to and found out more about the courses. Instead I visited two and chose the one I ended up going to for really stupid reasons that I don’t want to go into. Biggest mistake of my life. So now, in 2012 and aged twenty-five, I have nothing really except a very fucked up life and I am desperately trying to salvage something from this mess I have created through shockingly bad decisions. I have a specialist degree which is basically useless to me seeing as I don’t want a career in that field and a three year gap in my employment history because my mental health has been so bad I can’t even stick at voluntary work, let alone get a real job. One thing I have learned from all of this crap is that a person’s identity is closely linked with their working life. That’s why being unemployed is so devastating. It not only makes you feel inadequate and useless but it also takes away your sense of self. I am a nobody. But recently, as in the last couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking more and more that I should be working with animals. I definitely don’t want to be a vet, but I am starting to think that I would like to work directly with animals in some way. This is terrifying for me because what if it doesn’t work out again? I cannot go through that again. I have a very, very tentative long plan term in mind. I’m thinking I’d like to get a job at a kennels or something similar and possibly use that to help me fund a master’s degree in animal behaviour or animal welfare. After that, I don’t know. Animals have always been my passion and even in my most intense depressive periods, I’ve never stopped caring about them. I definitely lost my way for a long time, but maybe things could start making sense again. Maybe not. I’m so scared and confused. I’m not sure if this is stupid. Maybe it’s just another crazy idea like the whole nursing thing. I really wish I knew what to do and how to figure things out because I am so sick of all this uncertainty and craziness. I just want to know who I am and I just want to do something meaningful with my life. I am such an emotional wreck tonight. I’m going to stop now. |
I’ve been putting off blogging. I’ve lost all my enthusiasm for writing and I’m not even sure why.  It’s a beautiful day here, though quite cold. I have the heating on. Sunlight is streaming between the branches and trunks of the trees at the bottom of the garden, creating dancing shadows in my living room. It’s making me feel like I’m sitting underwater! Mark visited recently and we had such a wonderful time. It was only a short visit but we packed a lot into it. We ate out a few times, did some shopping, watched “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” at the cinema, saw “Blood Brothers” at the theatre with my family and played pool with my sister’s boyfriend. I’ve been pretty down since he left. My maths class is causing me an awful lot of stress. The work is fine and I’ve decided I want to do level 2 instead of level 1 because I think I can manage it and there’s no way I’m sitting through the course a second time. But my classmates are infuriating and I’m finding it harder and harder to deal with their stupidity! It really confuses and annoys me that you still get the same disruptive idiots in adult education that you get in compulsory education. Why do they show up if they only want to mess around and not learn anything? It’s even more baffling to me that there were people like this at University. Everyone was paying an extortionate amount to be there, so you’d think they’d have wanted to listen and learn. But no. Very strange. I just think it’s so disrespectful—to those who want to learn and to the teacher. Grrrrrr.  My last session with my support worker was pretty frustrating and stressful too but I won’t go into detail about that. I’ll just say though that my medication STILL isn’t sorted out! ARGH!!! I really want to try and regain my enthusiasm for writing but I have no idea how to do that. It worries me that I don’t really miss it much.   My Poetry Plug of the Week is:
I should have maybe waited to plug this on Halloween but I just edited it so feel like plugging the new version now! |
| I feel quite tearful tonight because I’ve had a tough, tough day. I spent about half an hour at the doctors’ earlier while they tried to locate my lost prescription for a medication I cannot take! The whole situation with my medication is beyond ridiculous now. I recently saw a doctor with my support worker to finally get it sorted out and ended up being prescribed something which has been discontinued! So we went back and managed to see the doctor briefly between his appointments and he said he’d think about it and find something that is small enough for me to swallow (I have difficulty with big tablets) or something that comes in liquid form. Anyway, he’s ended up prescribing me something I’ve tried before and had a very bad reaction to! I don’t understand how this happened because I gave him a list of all the antidepressants I’ve ever tried, complete with details of why I stopped taking them. With this particular medication I wrote “I only tried this once but it made me so dizzy and drowsy I couldn’t function for over 18 hours. I was unwilling to persevere with it because I need to be able to drive”. Could I have been any clearer? I thought doctors were supposed to be intelligent?! My maths lesson was a challenge today, but because of people, not the work. I almost walked out. I don’t like the teacher. I get a bad vibe from him and I sense he doesn’t like me. I managed to piss him off earlier because of a simple misunderstanding, and he managed to make me feel humiliated. I feel that he’s waiting for me to do something wrong just to give him an excuse to really “lay into” me, if that makes sense. I just feel incredibly tense around him. I also had to put up with this girl constantly cheating off me. Seriously, every time I wrote something down I could sense her reading it and copying. It was infuriating. And she’s supposed to be at a higher level than me! That worries me. This is going to sound incredibly arrogant but I can tell I’m the most intelligent person out of everyone in my class, by quite a long way. I find that pretty depressing. I kept thinking what am I doing here? and then I remembered I’m shit at maths. And I’ve become more and more convinced that I do have a maths-related learning disability because I’m not a stupid person and I refuse to believe I’m stupid at something! ARGH! I feel like my social skills are getting worse and worse. Though maybe that’s because since the whole “autism” thing I’ve been paying closer attention to how I am with people and am therefore noticing it more. Then again, since I graduated and moved home my social life has become practically non-existent so it is possible I have become worse at interacting with people through lack of practise. I find eye contact so exhausting and small talk so difficult. I live in absolute fear of passing my neighbours and having to greet them. When passing strangers my politeness means I have to make eye contact and smile but I cannot maintain the eye contact to see if they return the smile! And sometimes I just can’t look at a stranger at all and then I feel incredibly rude. I’m starting to think the Interpersonal Skills course I took was a complete waste of time!Still, despite my social difficulties I wanted to pursue the healthcare/nursing career idea because I feel like they are issues I can work to overcome. But I’ve lost enthusiasm for it all since my disastrous interview, plus, my support worker seems to be totally against me going into this line of work. That’s pissing me off a lot because I believe she should be supporting me in any decisions I make, not undermining me and implying I can’t achieve something and making me feel ridiculous for even thinking I can. But the fact that I don’t have the energy to confront her about this or to continue exploring this career path tells me that it isn’t for me. So I’m back to square one and thinking what the hell do I want to do with my life? I have no idea and that is causing me a tremendous amount of stress. I’m trying to figure this out but nothing excites me anymore and every job advert I read has something like “must have good interpersonal skills” or “must be a strong communicator” written on it. Why can’t anyone advertise for a “socially awkward, intense person who over-thinks everything”? That would be ideal! I’m starting to think I’ll never get a job. I’m so tired. It has been a loooonng day. I bought JK Rowling’s new book this evening and have read about 100 pages. It’s good! Pretty dark and depressing. It’s about as far away from Harry Potter as you could possibly get. I know Rowling’s writing skills have been criticised but she does know how to tell a story and she’s amazing at creating realistic characters. I also think she’s incredible with imagery. I often find it very hard to picture things, especially people, but I can quite easily “see” the town she’s created and have some clear images of most of the characters. It’s very readable. I might read a few more chapters before I go to bed! I’m looking forward to having a lazy day tomorrow... I think I’ve earned it! |
| Hmmm... I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve had a crazy busy week! It has left me exhausted. I had my HCA interview on Thursday. It was pretty awful and unsurprisingly I was unsuccessful. The group interview was anxiety-provoking, gruelling and, I’ve since realised, incredibly unfair. There were six interviewees and six interviewers. It was terrifying! We were given several scenarios such as what would you do if you saw a nurse being physically forceful with a patient? or what would you do if a male patient was uncomfortable being cared for by a female member of staff? It was stupid because they made all six interviewees respond to every scenario, meaning if you didn’t get picked to go first you basically had no choice but to re-hash the first person’s answer. It was unfair because I wasn’t given the opportunity to respond first at all so I didn’t get to give an original answer. I tried to add to the answers given but most scenarios were straight-forward with only one very obvious solution so there was rarely anything to add. Very frustrating! My individual interview was worse. I was drained by this point. I’d had an hour’s drive to get there, then over an hour’s wait before the group interview because I got there half an hour early and they were very late starting. Then of course I had the group interview which was completely exhausting. I just couldn’t focus in my individual interview. My concentration was gone and I struggled to even understand the questions at times to be honest, I was that tired. My mind kept going blank, which was a horrible feeling. Anyway the feedback I received was that I was “withdrawn and quiet” in the group interview and “didn’t give enough detail or examples” in the individual part and that I need to “brush up on my interview skills”. So that’s that. It’s crappy but I know it was a huge achievement to get that far in the process and an even bigger one that I got through it without falling apart or freaking out. I think it’s a good thing I didn’t get a job because I don’t think I would have coped. So I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing and I’m just trying to put it behind me now. I think it’s going to take some time to recover from the stress of it all. Last night I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I’ve read the book about a squillion times but that’s only the second time I’ve seen the film. I love it! How awesome is Jack Nicholson? How awesome are his teeth?! Have you ever seen a more beautiful set of teeth?! I’m in love with them! I hope they’re real... Such a great film. It makes me cry! Tonight I watched The Woman in Black. It’s certainly not the best film ever made but I really enjoyed it. It made me jump a fair few times! The opening is fantastic—so creepy and disturbing. I’ve read the book a couple of times and saw the play with Mark. It’s a great story! I think Daniel Radcliffe did a good job. I adore that guy. He’s such a sweetheart! He always comes across as a genuinely nice person in interviews. I don’t think he’s the best actor (he’s no Jack Nicholson!) but it seems like he’s working really hard to improve and I think he’ll turn out some great performances in the future. I hope so anyway. That’s enough rambling from me though there’s so much more I could blog about. I’ll save it for another time or my tendonitis will get worse... |
| I’m not feeling as distraught as I did last night and I fully intend to use today to rest as much as possible and recover somewhat from the intense stress and exhaustion I have been feeling recently. My only obligations for today are picking my sister up from work in about half an hour and walking my dog at some point, otherwise I don’t have to do anything and I’m not going to! Well, I’m not going to do anything strenuous or stressful anyway! I just finished rereading one of my favourite books, The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro and I’m hoping to watch the film adaptation either tonight or tomorrow, which I haven’t seen in a long time. I’m really looking forward to it. Yet again when reading the book I was blown away by the genius of it. The characters are so real they pretty much walk off the page and there are so many scenes that are complex, multilayered and psychologically interesting. Spoiler alert! I’m now going to blog about plot details! It’s amazing to me that in such a powerful love story, the only moment the characters touch and the only moment that can be seen as overtly sexual is when Miss Kenton prises a book from Mr Stevens’ hands that he doesn’t want her to see. This is one of the best scenes I have ever read. Ever! It’s fraught with emotion and sexual tension. And it’s purely a tussle over a book! It’s incredible! It’s so heartbreaking. You just want to grab Mr Stevens and shake him and shout “let her in! Just let her in and tell her how you feel!” And then the scene near the end? It devastates me every time but I've blogged about that before: "Invalid Entry" . End of spoilers! Argh! I could write a book on how much I love this novel and why... |
I feel like I'm losing the plot a bit, hence the manic laughter in the title of this entry.  If I wasn't laughing I'd be crying, which is something I've done a lot of recently. That's quite unusual for me nowadays. I used to be a big cry baby but my tears then seemed to run dry over the last couple of years or so. Well they're back! Yay! I can't even begin to describe how tired I am of people at the moment. Sorry if that sounds horrible (chances are I'm not talking about you!  ) I'm tired of people saying one thing and meaning another. I'm tired of people saying they'll do something and then not doing it. I'm tired of people constantly letting me down. I'm tired of people thinking it's okay to be rude. I'm tired of people playing games. I'm tired of people thinking it's okay to completely destroy another person psychologically.I am exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sorry to moan... again. Sorry for the inactivity... again. I'm just sorry... I don't really have anyone to talk to except my blog...  Here come the tears again! |
| Don't know what to do anymore. I'm so fed-up with everything. Have no idea how to sort out my mess of a life and I'm tired of trying. Absolutely nothing has worked out how I wanted it and I can't handle it anymore. |
| Today I had to go to the dentist. I was trying to put off going until my routine appointment next month because I am very OCDish about my teeth and know that seeking reassurance about “obsessions” only makes them worse. I’ve been to the dentist so many times this year for what I know deep down was just to get reassurance. So I was trying to resist the urge to go but I have a problem with my gum and the pain became too much for me to cope with, my anxiety became too much for me to cope with, and so I called and asked for an emergency appointment. Anyway, I’m glad I did because I do have a genuine problem and the good news is it can be fixed. Please skip the next part if you are squeamish about dental stuff! Apparently the muscle that attaches the lower lip to the gum is too high and has been pulling at my gum, causing it to come away from the tooth, exposing the root and causing extreme sensitivity. In a way this is a relief because I’d been told before that the problem was caused by over-brushing and couldn’t be repaired. I just feel relieved that the problem is physiological and not something I did wrong and that it can potentially be put right. So the dentist has referred me to the hospital to have a procedure to hopefully fix it. I’m not too sure what’s involved. I did ask but was too overwhelmed to really take it in. I’m a little anxious about it but will be glad to get it sorted out. I’m not scared of pain but I am scared of my teeth falling out or something! Tonight I watched Walk the Line which is a film I have watched many times. I originally saw it at the cinema. I adore it but tonight I fell even more in love with it! I think the performances by Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon are spectacular but I’ve always viewed them “separately” if that makes sense. Tonight I appreciated for the first time what they achieved together—the chemistry between them is absolutely magnetic. I fell in love with the music all over again too and have finally gotten around to ordering the soundtrack, which is something I’ve been meaning to do for years! I love their voices. Here’s my favourite song from the film: [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Now I need to stop typing because I sometimes get tendonitis in my left wrist and it has decided to flare up. |
| I’ve been so busy recently, I’m just exhausted. As well as going to the assessment day for the healthcare job, passing the literacy and numeracy tests and being invited to an interview, I’ve also had another appointment with A, enrolled on a maths course and had another appointment with my employment advisor. Tonight I’m going along to an induction meeting to find out about becoming a St John Ambulance volunteer. Whether I get a healthcare assistant job, become a SJA volunteer or both, I really need some practical experience to help me decide if I want to do a nursing degree and I think either would be really useful for that. I’m pretty nervous about tonight but not as much as I was when I faced what I had to face last Thursday. This should be pretty easy in comparison but I think I have a naturally anxious personality. I wish it was all over already! I’m so excited about my maths course. That’s weird, I know! It just feels nice that I’m going to be studying again, even though it’s only a basic maths course. Though I have been trying to study some maths by myself recently, I think it will make such a difference for me to have a teacher. There is also a chance I can get assessed for dyscalculia. The thought of that makes me nervous but I do want to know for sure whether or not I have it. Though I think if I do get an assessment, I’ll be depressed whatever the outcome is. If I don’t have dyscalculia, then I’m just stupid at maths, and I don’t want to be stupid at something. If I do have it then I’ll feel sad wondering about what I could have achieved throughout my education if I’d been given extra support. I might have achieved better grades for my maths GCSE and possibly science GCSEs and A levels too. I might have gotten a 1st for my degree (though I’m still immensely proud of my 2:1). But I’ll just have to see what happens. The maths course starts next week and I have some other stuff on next week too. I have a doctor’s appointment and A is coming along with me and hopefully I will finally, finally get my medication sorted out. Also, my employment advisor told me the service is getting assessed and has asked for me to attend, along with a few other service users, to speak to the assessor about our experience and to offer feedback. It will be a group thing, which scares me, but after everything my advisor has done for me, I think I can do this for him and really I have nothing but positive things to say about the service. It is amazing! So things are pretty crazy for me at the moment. In some ways it’s good for me but I’m struggling a bit too. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. But I’m taking things one step at a time. That’s all I can do really! |
| I’m having a bad OCD night! But between checking and re-checking my teeth, obsessively weighing myself and excessively washing my hands I have watched quite a lot of TV (mostly episodes of Without A Trace) and have done a lot of reading too. I started The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern yesterday and have already read 400 pages. I really wasn’t expecting to like it as much as I do. I thought it would be another overhyped mess, like Water For Elephants or The Kite Runner, which are two of the worst popular and raved about books I’ve ever read. But it’s really good! And I’m so curious about how it’s all going to turn out... I was hoping to get more involved in the WDC birthday celebrations but I have only entered one contest and have only done two reviews. I’m just seriously lacking in motivation and I don’t know why. Maybe I’ll do more tomorrow. My “review confidence” is pretty low at the moment. I worry so much about how I come across in reviews. I’m starting to think I’m too picky as well. I’ve noticed that I often take certain phrases very literally when they are not supposed to be read that way, for example, things like “his eyes dropped” or “the light burned through her eyelids” (yuck!  This is one from The Night Circus, though maybe not word-for-word). I understand what stuff like this means but I almost always understand them in a literal sense before I get what the writer is really trying to convey. They are very jarring for me, which is why I usually point stuff like this out in reviews. But since I’ve been reading about autism I’ve learned that this very literal way of thinking is quite characteristic of it (another reason I am becoming more and more convinced that I may be very, very mildly autistic). Therefore, I’m thinking a lot of people wouldn’t have this problem and so it might seem very odd and picky for me to point out those kinds of phrases.However, I have no trouble with stuff like “he’s a fish in the water” or “her boyfriend is her rock”. But these things are further from the possible, so I think that’s why they don’t really bother me or trip me up. But I’m not sure. Of course I understand metaphors and similes. I don’t think I could be a writer if I didn’t! I don’t really know what I’m on about so I’m going to shut up about this now. I think I over-think reviewing sometimes!  I’m very tired. I keep staying up until three or four in the morning. It’s not good! I’ll be taking a sleeping tablet tomorrow night though as I have a busy day on Wednesday. I can’t wait... to take the tablet that is! I’m dreading Wednesday. But enough about that! Goodnight to anyone reading this! |
| I’m so tired and it’s almost 2:30am so I don’t know why I don’t just go to bed! I watched the film “Philadelphia” tonight, which is one of my favourites (even though the “look” of it feels a little dated now) and it is one I have seen many times. There is a lot to love about that film but there are two things I especially love. Firstly, I think it’s great that Andrew’s family are so loving and supportive of him and his partner. I really like that his homosexuality is never an issue for them. It would have been pretty tedious, not to mention cliché if that had caused any conflict in the family. I don't mean this to be flippant. I realise many gay people struggle to be accepted even by their own families. I just really like how it is recognised in the film that not all people would have an issue with a family member being gay. I also love that the writer didn’t make Andrew into a saint. He isn’t perfect and there are even some parts of his character that make it difficult to sympathise with him. I think that was a clever “move” as you want him to win because he’s right, not because he’s a good guy. The film would have been way too cloying if the main character didn’t have any flaws! Yesterday I felt an autumn chill in the air. I wore my coat when I walked Jade, which made me feel a little depressed. I’m not looking forward to winter. I spent most of yesterday watching series four of The Big Bang Theory with my mum. I love that show soooooo much! Can’t wait for series six!Earlier today I wrote my first poem since March and did my first review since June, so yay! I’m pretty pleased with the poem and have entered it into a contest. It makes me chuckle anyway:
Right now I’m writing this blog entry and listening to SexyBack by Justin Timberlake. I hated this song when it first came out. Now I love it. It’s funny how things change... I should go to bed! |
| Well today I proved my courage to myself. I went along to the healthcare assistant assessment day even though it meant doing an hour-long journey by myself to somewhere I’ve never been before, meeting a bunch of people I’ve never met before and doing a maths test, which I was terrified about! Anyway, I needn’t have worried about anything. The drive was fairly straight-forward. I just went wrong once but was easily able to double-back. I made a few mistakes probably (and more on the way home when I was more tired) but nothing major and nothing dangerous. Nobody beeped me! Nobody died! The suicidal pigeon almost died... As for the numeracy and literacy tests? I passed both!  I passed a maths test! That means I have now been invited back to take part in a group activity and individual interview on the 20th September. I can’t believe it! I can’t believe I’m a step closer to a job I applied for in a panic and had no hope of getting. I have no idea what is going to happen next but I am just taking things one step at a time. I’m going to give myself a few days to recover before I decide whether or not to go for the interview. But whatever happens, I am so incredibly proud of myself for getting this far and for what I achieved this morning. This was way more of a big deal than just taking a couple of tests. This was a battle with my anxiety and I won.I feel kind of emotional—good and bad. I’m happy, proud and relieved but I’m also drained, exhausted and confused. It really took it out of me today. I’ve been in an extreme state of anxiety for the past week so I suppose it’s not surprising I feel such exhaustion, along with incredible relief, now that it’s all over (well, the first stage anyway). If I decide not to attend the interview day or I go and don’t get the job, I think I can still walk away from this with my head held high. Nobody there today had any idea what it took for me to be there. Nobody could tell I’ve been battling severe depression for eleven years and anxiety and OCD for a lot of that time too. When I found out I’d passed I just wanted to run out of the building shouting something like “fuck you anxiety! Fuck off depression!” But I was a little more dignified than that! I feel like I could cry. I just feel so overwhelmed. I think I need some time to recover from the stress of it all now. I know my depression is going to try and drag me down again so I need to keep reminding myself that I rock! And I do! I rock! |
I started reading "The Painted Veil" by W. Somerset Maugham today and I am loving it so far. I’ve read over 100 pages already and as it’s only a short book, I should be able to finish it tomorrow. Because I’ve seen the film of it, I imagine the character Walter Fane to look like Edward Norton and I must say, it is very, very nice to have Edward Norton spending some time in my head! (Haha! Sorry Mark!)  I am in love with Walter Fane (sorry again, Mark!) He is my kind of character. He’s moody, shy, emotionally closed off, sensitive, a deep-thinker etc. If he was a real person he’d be the male equivalent of me! Not that I’m in love with myself! But I just feel a real connection with the character and that makes me care about him. It’s almost 4am here in the UK and I must go to bed soon but I think I’ll read a few more pages of The Painted Veil first...  |
| I’ve had so much stuff going on I don’t know what to blog about first! My Grandma came to stay with us for a few days. My aunt and two cousins drove her down on Tuesday and then my other aunt and one of my other cousins came on Friday to pick her up. I was dreading it because my extended family can be very irritating and well... let’s face it... I hate socialising... even with family! But it turned out to be okay and I think that is the closest I’ve ever felt to my Grandma. I realised that she is an interesting person who is worth listening to, though I did find it pretty tiring to listen to story after story after story! But I learned some things about her that I had no idea about, like her parents got divorced in the 30s. The 30s! I imagine that caused quite a scandal at the time! She also showed me a photograph of my great, great grandparents which was so amazingly cool and weird at the same time. I’m really interested in genealogy and stuff and sometimes think I should do some research on my family’s history. I know my grandma’s brother researched one branch of the family tree and found out some pretty fascinating things, such as the family moving quite a distance, which was apparently almost unheard of back then (though I can’t remember what date that was). Also, someone had a baby out of wedlock back when it would have been absolutely shocking and disgraceful. I’ll have to dig out the information sometime and remind myself of the dates—I know this particular branch of the family tree was traced fairly far back. Interesting stuff! Okay, so next subject. I had my first proper appointment with A yesterday and it turned out fine. Well, better than fine! Dare I say it was quite good? I’m not sure. I’m wary about getting my hopes up. Anyway, I told A about the job assessment day I’ve been invited to and it might be possible for her to come with me, which would be fantastic. That’s not set in stone though. We did end up going to a coffee shop, which I wasn’t happy about at first, but it ended up being okay. We had to move tables a couple of times so we could keep our conversation relatively private but I coped. I actually liked how informal it felt and that helped me to relax much sooner than I would have done in a more formal or clinical situation. I felt more comfortable with her than I did on Monday (which was so, so awful). She seemed friendlier and said I look like an “English rose”. Haha! I don’t usually cope too well when people comment on my appearance, but it was fine and nice to hear. At least it was a compliment! I have a teensy glimmer of hope, which I’m kind of nervous about acknowledging in case things don’t work out. But I suppose all I can do is wait and see. I hate waiting and seeing! I don’t like not feeling in control... So last subject, then I’ll shut up. I’m still undecided on whether I’m going to the assessment thing on Thursday but I’ve been brushing up on my maths skills just in case. For anyone reading who doesn’t know already, maths is my arch enemy! (See "Invalid Entry" ). I can’t stand it and all this studying has made my brain feel frazzled. I’ve had a bad headache since yesterday. It’s so demoralising to realise that I struggle with even the basic stuff. I seriously do think I have dyscalculia. And that’s not just wishful thinking because I can’t handle not being good at something, though I admit I do find that extremely difficult! But it isn’t about just not being good at it—it’s more than that. I wish I’d had the opportunity to get tested for it whilst at school or even University. I could have gotten more support throughout my education which would have actually changed my life. Oh well... if I do end up going back to University I will look into getting a screening test. Though it will seriously damage my pride if it turns out I’m just crap at maths!I think I’ve rambled on enough so I'll go away now. I wish my headache would go away. |
| I’ve been having a meltdown since last week as I’m in a panic about my CBT ending. A meltdown for me consists of feeling suicidal, crying a lot and then forcing myself to be more rational. These kind of go round and round in a cycle until I’m just completely exhausted. Anyway, when I’m in the “rational” stage I usually ask myself what would make me feel better and the answer usually is “getting a job, moving out of the family home and getting a normal life”. Then I’ll start frantically applying for jobs, even though I don’t know if I’m ready to work. So I did this over the weekend and applied for three jobs (I think, though it might have been more) and started the applications for a couple of others. Then yesterday I got an email about one of the jobs I applied for on Saturday inviting me to an assessment day to take a numeracy and literacy test. If successful, I will be invited for an interview. ARGH! Now I keep switching from incredibly happy to extremely scared and then to completely confused. Since graduating all I’ve wanted is a job but now it suddenly feels very, very real. I’m so happy that I’ve been shortlisted when the vacancy was actually closed early due to the high volume of applicants. I know that is a big achievement. But I’m scared because I haven’t had a job since 2005 and really haven’t done much of anything since graduating in 2009. I have so many health problems and issues and I just don’t know if I can hold down a job. So that leaves me with confusion. Should I just go for it as I have nothing to lose? Will the stress be too much for me? What will happen if I end up with a job? Blah, blah, blah. There are so many questions and doubts going around in my head. The timing is so bad when I’ve just been discharged from CBT and referred somewhere new. I don’t know whether it’s crazy to even consider it when I’m so messed up. Maybe I should wait until things are a bit more settled for me. But then I can’t stand the thought of letting this opportunity pass. I don’t know what to do! This wasn’t supposed to happen! Applying for the jobs was supposed to make me feel better as it made me feel I was doing something proactive. But I never in a million years thought anything would come of it! I just can’t believe it... I’ve been trying to get hold of my employment advisor but of course I can’t. I can’t get a hold on my anxiety either and just feel like I’m freaking out right now. Why does everything always have to be so complicated for me? |
| I had my review. My CBT has ended and I’ve been referred elsewhere for more long-term support, which mostly takes place “in the community” rather than at the hospital or somewhere like that. However they know they can’t come to my house and the woman I met today who I’ll be working with said sometimes we can just meet up somewhere for a coffee. But that’s not going to happen because I don’t want it to. The one good thing is she’ll be able to speak to my GP about my medication and get that sorted so I no longer have to try and deal with ignorant, arrogant doctors. Why M or C couldn’t have arranged something like that long before now is beyond me though. I can’t believe what they did to me today. I had to walk into a room with FOUR people in it, two of them total strangers and they expected me to talk, when they know I find it hard to talk to even one person. I could hardly look at anyone, even M and I answered monosyllabically and in the quietest voice. I wasn’t doing it on purpose but I’m kind of glad now and I hope they found the situation somewhat difficult. Though I can guarantee nobody was finding it as difficult as I was. Then two of them went and thank goodness C went because she was being so patronising and stupid I just wanted to slap her. Why she is well-respected as a psychologist I’ll never know. I was left with M and my new “worker”, A. They talked a bit and I avoided all eye contact and spoke only when spoken to (I try not to be rude, no matter how uncomfortable, scared or angry I feel but I was feeling all three of these things intensely). M asked if I was feeling okay about everything and I said no and managed to tell them I feel like I’m starting again. I told M I’d been in a panic all week and had tried to contact her. They tried to reassure me but I wasn’t (and still am not) in any kind of mood to be reassured. M asked if I wanted to go through my homework but I said I hadn’t done much as I’ve been feeling too bad. It would have been helpful if she’d asked A to leave but she didn’t have the presence of mind to do this. When I left she came with me and spoke with me briefly in the hall, asking again if I’m okay with working with A to which I again shook my head. She tried to reassure me again and I felt I could sense she was a bit exasperated, under her calm and reassuring demeanour, that I wasn’t being more reasonable and happy about everything. But I don’t give a shit and I’m not going to make things easy for everyone when this is so damn hard for me. I’m sure they’ll all have a cosy little meeting where they can reassure themselves they’ve done everything they can for me and that they shouldn’t feel bad because I’ve reacted badly. But I know it’s bullshit and I don’t understand why I couldn’t have just been referred to this other service in the first place, or why I couldn’t have started work with the new person while I was still having CBT so the transition could have been a lot smoother. The people who run the mental health services in my town are so fucking stupid. How difficult is it to figure out that consistency is so hugely important when recovering from any illness, but particularly mental illness? I can’t trust any of them. I hate that I was feeling so angry and that this was my last chance to see M. I did thank her but if I'd been feeling a little calmer I would have done a better job at expressing my gratitude. She has helped me even if I feel that she has now betrayed me, which is probably stupid and irrational. But then I think it's understandable that I'm irrational at the moment. It's hard not be when you are in full panic mode. Now all I want to do is die and I wish I could figure out what stops me from just ending everything so I could get rid of it and then get rid of me. But I’ve had at least eleven years of suicidal thoughts so I doubt I’ll ever get the courage to just do it. I am just so tired of everything and I can’t take it anymore. |
| This is how my dictionary defines the word “trauma”: a powerful shock that may have long-lasting effects. I feel I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life, though I’m also well aware that compared to what some people have been through, my traumas are trifles (though I think the shock deaths of two family members and one family friend within five months of each other was a particularly traumatic trauma, not a trifling one). I’m thinking about this because I recently had another traumatic experience, which has suddenly hit me with a huge amount of force. I also talked to my therapist about my “hospital trauma” on Monday and have since been thinking a lot about it, which is never fun. The thing that gets to me, all these years later, is my reaction. It’s not enough for the actual experience to have left me with intense feelings of shame, but I also have to feel ashamed that I feel ashamed, if that makes sense. I hate that what happened was such a big deal to me when so many people wouldn’t have had the same reaction. But I can’t help it. I think I talked about it because my sessions are ending soon (on Monday) and I panicked. I am just in a major panic about so many things. The CBT is ending, my employment sessions are ending, I can’t go to the doctors anymore... blah, blah, blah. I’ve been trying to contact my therapist since Wednesday as I’ve been getting intense suicidal thoughts, but she is unreachable!!! I’m not going to kill myself, but it definitely would have been nice to get some help and support from a professional while I was seriously considering it... Last night I watched The Horse Whisperer, which I have now realised is not a good film to watch when you’re already feeling so down! I find it uncomfortable to watch too because the relationship between the mother and daughter in the film is so similar to the relationship between me and my own mum. It’s weird and it hurts. The difference is though that the girl in the film eventually breaks down and lets her mum in emotionally which is something I could never do. And I can’t explore that too closely because it might just send me over the edge. I love my mum, but I can’t let her in. I just can’t. I’m now rereading The Horse Whisperer, for the third time I think. The book is soooooo much better than film. I think I first read it when I was eleven or twelve and it had a big impact on me because it is the first book I read that has sex in it.  Tonight I watched “Lost In Translation” (another film with Scarlett Johansson in it!) I remember trying to watch this film with my mum and we turned it off after about twenty minutes because we were so bored. But I watched it several years later with Mark and finally “got it”. Tonight I think I fell in love with it! Though perhaps I shouldn’t have watched a film about boredom and loneliness when I am so damn bored and lonely. I can really relate to the character Charlotte though. The ending is powerful. I love endings like that. I'm not one of these people who need everything wrapped up neatly and tied with a bow. It’s about 1am here in the UK and I just cooked some chips. I’ve been feeling really sick over the last few days and have had no appetite but tonight I crave chips. I felt I should listen to my body. So chips with ground white pepper it is. Yum!*Whisper* sorry I haven't bee keeping up with people's blogs... I'm very down... |
I've never been especially patriotic but I feel proud to be British tonight. I think my country did an awesome job hosting the Olympic Games. I'm going to miss it! It has been amazing!!!.  |
| Wow! What a day for Great Britain at the Olympics! The athletics tonight was so damn exciting! Three gold medals!!! I’m particularly happy for Greg Rutherford (long jump) because I went to school with him. We were in the same form group for four years of secondary school. That’s my claim to fame! I am loving London 2012. And watching way too much of it... I’ll get square eyes if I continue to watch this much TV!!! |
I haven’t been around too much. I’ve been through a bit of a horrible experience and so has Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC!  . I won’t give details. We are okay, but both still in shock. However, we’ve realised just how strong our relationship is, which is one positive thing to come out of all this.My mood has taken a major dive, so I’m not sure how active I’m going to be on WDC. I will try to get involved again as soon as I can and will be coming online to check my emails and read blogs etc. I’ve been watching and enjoying the Olympics. I felt so bad for Tom Daley and Pete Waterford in the synchronised diving today. They were so close! But Great Britain did absolutely awesomely in the men’s team gymnastics, so YAY!!! |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
