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getting to the age where I can blame eccentricity or senility for anything that offends... |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Blog city is a wonderful place with friendly neighbours who accept my idiosyncrasies. Some will shudder at my style of writing as it is without apology, grammatically and politically incorrect.. My thoughts, opinions and bouts of madness are displayed for all to see - warts and all (even pimples and scar tissue for those who look closely). If you are a do-gooder or someone who turns the other cheek, look elsewhere. I’m giving honesty, trust and a piece of my mind. |
| Fourteen days since my last blog because much has happened. Good, bad and indifferent things. In that time we have taken the caravan over four thousand kilometers, visited my mother, son and three siblings. Also caught up with a friend I rarely see more than once a year. This 'catch up' wasn't a pre-Christmas thing, but rather a 'I'll see you when I see you and it could be awhile". The traveling is about to be my life. Family is important, but so am I. They will always have contact, so if they want to see me, they can travel - I will meet them half way if that makes it easier for them. I am feeling restless with life as a whole. Very unsettled and the fact that the only additions to my portfolio in the last three months has been old stuff supports my inability to concentrate. My intentions are good, but the muse isn't with me and I feel it's because of all the stuff that is consuming my mind and my time at the moment. I want honesty in my life and for a whole lot of reasons, that seem reasonable to those who have disappointed me, it has me feeling used. Actually just thinking about it seems to have it grow out of proportion so I will close, regretfully aware that this piece has done nothing but ease the guilt of my non participation in the most amazingly rewarding site on the internet. |
I've just finished reviewing a poem by ZenRunner  
Nothing means what it meant when it happened I don't even know what I know I've forgotten the things I've forgotten How many other readers will know exactly how that feels? The author is no where near as old as me, so it must be experience not age that leads us down that path. The truth of each line settles over you and as you absorb the words I am sure you are remembering either an incidence or a time in your life when it could have been you writing those same words. As my lifestyle is one of continual traveling, the word transient is certainly appropriate in the context of not settled in one place. However I believe that for most it is more pertinent in the context of being short in duration. For many, transience is disconcerting, uncomfortable or even abhorrent. With the pain and depression I suffer, transience is almost a form of hope. For me it means change, be it of location, people, living conditions, degree of pain, stress levels ...and so the list goes on. No matter what my transient life brings the last two lines of the poem All that's left is for me to keep driving I will just try to go with the flow resound in my head with each throb of pain, and so my life goes, never still, never boring but always moving forward within the time frame God has given me. |
| To find the answer to why are we here, what is the meaning of my life, we need to think past the shallow shell of our body to the inner core of our soul to learn who we really are. Knowing our inner strengths and fears, true prejudices and preferences and reality of how happy and sad we are is only the start. We need to understand the journey that gave form to our true self's, accept the influences of others and acknowledge the choices that shaped us. Only then can we appreciate how many lives we touch. From some we receive, a thought, an opinion or a belief that we absorb and mold it with our own experiences until it is a part of us. For the others we meet, we give of ourselves in the same way, so that they will take a part of our experience and, at some level it will have an affect way beyond that of just talking or listening. The shallow but often envied outer trappings of looks and wealth of those we meet, will affect only our shallow selves. No matter how insignificant our lives may seem, our impact on all those with whom we come in touch with is unique and should therefore never be underestimated. It may be that your life purpose is about a few minutes of conversation with a stranger, where your words or attitude will affect a major decision in their life. It could be that your life purpose is about a lifetime of struggles so that those around you are affected to make choices in their life. What of the starving and suffering in underdeveloped countries? Surely they more than many others have a right to question why? But don't they touch the lives of others in their family, their village, visually through media. If the presence or sight of one of those suffering individuals can have a positive affect on just one other person then their life has meaning and purpose. For those of us who in our shallowness think we suffer and our lives are meaningless, or that looks and wealth are measures of success, we should stop making excuses and accept the responsibility of being a role model for others. The shallow shell of our body is easily hurt or damaged, but our lives are not about our bodies, though it be easy to think so. Our success is about the integrity of our soul. I believe integrity is about purpose therefore even a thief may have integrity. Integrity is a value of the soul, not of the law because, more now than ever, the law is an ass. |
| Like many people I have an open mind on many things like UFO' and paranormal abilities but I accept as part of my daily life that there is no such thing as coincidence and that things happen for a reason including the time and place of our passing. I have done more good things than bad in my life, helped a lot of people and have a handful of the most amazing friends. In return my life has been 'challenging'. I have no idea if I'm a better person for having dealt with the blows life has given me and it doesn't matter because I not only survived, but have journeyed on. Choices were always there and though their number or class wasn't always palatable, I made them. In my youth the future was always tomorrow but now I live for the moment, enjoy the prospects of tomorrow and do some basic but flexible long term planning for the future. I row my own boat and choose my own direction. More comfortable when with the flow but never afraid to go against it. If others want to come along for the ride fine, but regardless of the reason or the attitude, it is my choices that will determine where that ride takes them while in my company. How much I take from it will depend on the choices I make, how much that affects others in my life depends on the choices they make. By reading this blog you have chosen to use some of your life in reading the thoughts of a stranger. Perhaps in the hope of being entertained, informed or mentally stimulated (good luck on the last lol). Considering how precious every moment in our lives are, our willingness to spend so many of those moments precariously exploring the thoughts, ideology or dreams of a stranger through reading underscores much about us as individuals, the choices we make and why. For some it is to escape their own reality, for some an adventure and for others a thirst for knowledge. However, for nearly all it is a subconscious attempt to feed our feelings of self worth. Many choices are subconscious but they are still driven by us in our need to survive the best way we can. When life goes wrong for us is it realistic to blame others? In a car accident where we were in the right, what choices did we have that could have changed the outcome? Is there not a conflict between my believing I am in charge of my own life by making my own choices while accepting that there are preordained events in my life? As a person who is always analyzing, I have found an answer to the above questions which sits well with me, but that was my choice. You? Well you have a different boat to row and whether you are up or downstream from me and my choices one thing I know, if you are reading this it was one of those inexplicable choices that you made that has connected us for a few intangible moments. |
I received a poignant review from writerchuck for my piece "Invalid Item"  that prompted me to reply. Having sent it to him I then decided to share it, as I have many of my other thoughts on the subject of death. I love life so do not focus on death or write about it a lot. However, like most people, especially those of us who are over fifty, death is something that touches our lives more often. It is at those times that my muse has seen my poetry as a way of helping me 'deal' with the effects on myself, family and friends. Many of these pieces do not reach WDC for personal reasons or because they are written specifically for individuals. My attitude to death is, I believe, healthy, realistic and practical which is everything that is not present at the time we lose someone we love, especially a child. Emotions to the fore, practicality out the door. However, like everything else in life, from each passing we learn something about ourselves and it is important that these lessons aren't ignored or wasted. We are setting the example for how our children and grandchildren deal with death and I want mine to rejoice at the time we had together, not wallow in a sense of loss. You don't have to be religious to know that memories keep loved ones with us in so many ways. Anyway here is my response to writerchuck, whom I thank again for his thoughts and understanding. Time allows us to accept, be it begrudgingly, that : 1. A parents love is not enough to protect our children. 2. While we could wish it was us and not them, how would they then feel? 3. That we owe it to them to continue to be the best parent /grandparent/ person we can be, because they ARE a part of us and the better we are the more we are acknowledging the good person they would have been with our continued love and guidance. 4. We owe it to those family and friends who also share the loss of our children to ensure that the memories are of the good, the positive and the potential, because memories give life and our children's lives, no matter what age, should be remembered with smiles and pleasure and a thanks to God for sharing them with us for no matter how short a time. 5. Time allows us to find our own place to continue our relationship with our child. Whether it be watching their favourite sports, talking to them one on one at a special place, or continuing a project or supporting a group that they were involved with. We cannot take their place but we can share the space they made. 5. Time allows us to accept that tears will still fall, regret will still hurt and anger at their loss will still stab at us, just less often. We should no more deny ourselves the right to these emotions than we would deny ourselves the right to remember the joy of their existence. I have learnt a lot from the passing of my child - I have been forced to face the fact, though I have been surrounded by the truth of it everyday, that old age cannot be taken for granted as the reason for my own demise. In keeping a bond with my child, be it privately and not with maudlin outpourings, but of quiet sharing of my thoughts, feelings and actions, I am now at peace with my eventual passing and am prepared financially, physically and mentally. Though I do not expect anything untoward to happen, if it does, I have taken some control over the business end, and given voice to my family and friends of what I believe will make my passing easier for them. I am including a couple of pieces for you to read, it is not a request for reviews but merely a chance me to share some of my thoughts with you following the loss of my own son, be it many years ago and more recently my beloved nanna.
If you do take the time to read them I hope there is something there with which you can relate and maybe, find some comfort in. You cannot tell your loved ones you love them too many times (though teenagers raise their eyebrows in response) because goodbye is something we rarely get to say. At each parting let your last words always be positive and loving then should an accident happen you have those words to be grateful for and not the regret that weighs heavily for so long. Bless you all |
| Having not written a blog for a fortnight, I reread the last two entries to give me some measure of where my thoughts have been. As both related in some way to 9/11, I chose to read earlier, more generally themed blog items. Looking through these past opinions, vitriol and general inferences I can literally trace the events that affected my emotional stability. Sadly I see how easily I allow world values and issues to colour and affect my own little patch of earth. They say no man is an island, well that is true of me. I am a chunky hunk of life who once thought only of the moment and of my much needed needs to survive. Well the moments passed and the needs obviously weren't needed that much, because I survived without most of the things I coveted as being essential at the time. Yes I had a reasonable level of general knowledge but it was knowledge absorbed without thought, not knowledge sought. Amazingly today my general knowledge is miniscule because I measure it against the amount of knowledge attainable. When I was young (yes it was in the last century) knowledge was at my fingertips, but in book form, not per internet or google. Now, with so much information available and my memory capacity less, the gap in my knowledge is tantamount to the amount of Space yet to be explored. Regretfully the USS Enterprise's travels and unification under the Federation, cannot be used to recalculate, and thus inflate, the percentage of my real knowledge in relation to the information which I have access to. At this age I find my concerns are not of this moment, for I am comfortable. Nor are they of things needed to survive, for I am a survivor. No my concerns are for things over which I have no control. How futile is that? Many people use blogs to share anecdotes, pearls of wisdom or insights into their day to day lifestyle. I use mine to vent my frustration at loss of past values and fear for the future of the coming generations. So of the moments that are passing now, many are wasted in both retrospection and forethought. This blog entry perpetuates the truism of the words it contains. HOWEVER, on the spur of the moment I will add this. My reading glasses have been fixed and returned to me not a full moment ago. There. I can leave this site with the new knowledge that one of the moments of my life was not wasted on something that didn't affect me personally. Cheers. |
| The world isn't a nice place but we make our own space in it and try and fill that space with family love in the hope that it will make it harder for evil to intrude. If every family can ensure that they and their children have the basic values of respect for themselves and others, to love without needing reward and the desire to be the best they can regardless of current or past circumstances, then the best of the human spirit will not be eroded or defeated by the evil that breeds in the effluent of envy, greed, false righteousness and self before others. Don't live in the past but don't forget it. Don't bemoan what is done with acceptance. Fear is the strongest weapon of the enemy. Think about all that you fear and you find it comes to your head not to your heart. Your spirit is stronger when you acknowledge it. Give yourself the power to reject the fear...firstly from your mind, then your house. Make your home a fear free zone. Not one blind to what is happening in the world, but one that is full of positive love in spite of what is happening in the world. Fear is the strongest weapon of the enemy, but with the blood of resolution from our forefathers in our veins, a heart that knows compassion and a spirit that is prepared to protect those they love, fear looses substance and becomes nothing but words from the mouths of those who are lost. |
| I am angry. More than angry and I have no way of unloading my anger so I will just express, be it poorly and probably irrationally and over emotionally what is pushing my buttons, or more specifically, who...9/11 Conspiracy theorists. People denied Auschwitz, the moon landing and now 9/11 by accusing the government of willingly killing thousands of civilians.....for what...to start a war....Give me a break. It's about time these ignoramus's took their hand of it and used it to turn pages of factual data, not opinions by anti-authoritarian, anti- government, anti- everything that they feel is making their life difficult...grow up people...life isn't easy but as individuals we alone choose how we look at what life deals us. Those phone messages from passengers and the mention of the hijackers on those planes were they are part of the conspiracy. If a plane didn't hit the Pentagon what happened to the passenger....oh! Of course they were all taken away and killed... What is it that makes people become anti American propagandists while living under the American flag. How can people hate their government that much that they believe it capable of such an atrocity. Can't continue as I'm getting even angrier. I mean no disrespect by this piece. The opposite. I cried while watching the memorial service for those who have died then and since and for the families who have slowly moved on. America was attacked by terrorists but the biggest fear is the continual erosion from within allied countries by people whose words border on treason. |
| Do I fear death? No. My attitude to my own death is one of ‘what will be, will be’ however, there is a BUT to be added. In relation to my own demise, I consider many things. Have I had time to express my love and thanks, to organize my finances, to say goodbye? If I have done all these things, then the assumption is that my death will be the result of age or illness and there will be no fear, just a modicum of regret. The measure of this regret will be dependent upon age of children and/or grandchildren and events that I will not be able to physically participate in. At this particular time in my life, my son is going steady but is not married and I would regret passing before that momentous time in his life took place. Then there is death by accident when time to consider is none or negligible. Again, fear of dying will not be in my mind. Pain however may be. I’m no hero when it comes to tolerating pain. If death is not immediate and I am capable of rational thought, okay irrational thought, then the guilt at the mental and financial cost to my family will weigh heavily upon me. Fear of death? No. Regret? Probably. If death is instant, then fear, pain, thoughts are absent. There will be peace, eternal peace. We are all dying (apologies to those who didn’t want to hear that) so it is important that to ease our death, not for ourselves, but for those we leave behind, everyday it important that we prepare. Show our love and thanks every day in every way. Ensure that you have a will and that your finances are managed in such a way as to not become a further burden to those you entrust with this. Attend as many family and friend functions you can so that your presence is taken for granted. This will then be the mind set after you are gone. Your physical presence will be missed but such was your love and loyalty, no one will ever doubt your spiritual attendance in the future. Fear is of the imagined, the unknown or the unknown depth and degree of the known. Fear is the result of our having no control over a situation; it is not tangible or measurable. To remove or lessen fear we must gain some control or give control to someone we trust. If we have prepared as per the above then we have control and there is no need for fear. If we have faith in God then we have given control to someone we trust. Never fear death. It is just another part of this extraordinary opportunity we have been given to experience – LIFE. |
| Actually it was the comments of a 94 year old woman who prompted the subject matter for this blog. She said, "I must be old but I can't get my head around two woman loving each other like a man and a woman. I mean, two woman wanting to marry...nope I just can't see how they can love each other like a husband and wife." With a shake of her head she reiterated, "just can't get my head around it at all." This woman is a good Christian who was married for sixty one years and they lived for each other. If they had their differences of opinions, their children don't know what they were. When her husband died, it was almost like an expectation that she wouldn't last long without him. It's been four years now and I suspect the reason is because she was the tough one of the two. But it was in this long loving christian partnership that she developed her opinions and beliefs on relationships and marriage. No wonder she can't get her head around same sex marriages. While she acknowledges that two men or two woman can love each other she doesn't seem to be able to accept that their love is of the 'in sickness and in health, till death do us part ' kind that is the only kind that marriage should be based on. I told her that too few marriages today are based on commitment and respect. As a battered wife I know that marriage doesn't stay perfect, with love and respect being the first casualties but of course my experience colours my perception just as hers does. She reminded me that she was raised in an era where gay males were 'queer' and persona non gratis and 'there was hardly any in Australia'. Until she told me, I didn't realize that she didn't know anything about the existence of lesbians until in the 1980's when she was in her seventies. No wonder she is having a problem accepting not only the openness with which homosexuality is discussed, but that it is now being considered to be an accepted life choice. I think the difficulty she has in getting her head around same sex marriage is due to her interpretation of the love between a husband and wife. That love of course is of a sexual nature intended to pro create. Without that aspect, she lacks comprehension as to why and how a marriage between same sex couples is necessary. She cannot comprehend two woman or two men raising a child. When I compared those situations to that of a single parent of either sex, I could see her discomfort. I sensed this was because single parents were acceptable but two adults of the same sex meant that there was some deviation from her norm and at some level she didn't think that situation was a good environment for children. When she asked me my opinion,I didn't hesitate. A child needs the guidance and safety that comes from a loving and caring environment whether it be a single parent, extended family, mother and father, two mothers or two fathers. As long as the child's trust is respected and met, I don't have a problem with the gender/s of the child's guardian/s. For couples married or not, heterosexual or homosexual I am not the one to judge them because of society's standards, because society's ethics and morals are based more and more on 'self' and 'greed'. Respect is rapidly becoming a rarity within our social existence and unfortunately I see less respect in many heterosexual relationships than that of same sex. Any person who has respect for their partner should not be admonished as being unfit to be a parent. Parenting for humans is on the job training, there can be no experts as adults and children are unique and therefore so is their relationship. I believe gender does have a bearing on the style of parenting but not on the success of parenting. As for same sex marriage. The Australian government accepts de facto relationships and assesses incomes, pensions etc the same as a married couple. That being the case I see two adults of the same sex who are partners and live together are also in a de facto relationship and therefore entitled to the right to marriage. |
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