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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Modest Mouse Song: Spitting Venom [Embed For Use By Upgraded+]  Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  : Ask someone you trust the following question and write about their answer: “What are my best qualities and what are my worst qualities?” Just a quick plug...
is re-opening on August 1st. There aren't going to be thirty tasks this time, so if you've had trepidations about time commitment before, this round should go a bit smoother for you (and hopefully for me).  I'm plugging here because every time I do "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" , I read people's blogs and I think the group would be useful to a lot of people. Hell, a lot of the prompts we have for 30dbc could come straight from an "Invalid Item" task. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯So anyway, if you think you might want to join, sign ups are in the forum. If you're not a group member yet, here's the sign-up sheet: "Invalid Item" I figured Emily  wouldn't mind the plug because she's one of our group regulars.And speaking of Em... Stop getting me in trouble! I just had this conversation because of this prompt: Me: Heyyyy, what do you think my best and worst qualities are?" Kira: Seriously? Me: Yeah... Kira: Why? Me: I'm just wondering. Kira: Is this a game where you get upset when I name a bad quality? Me: What, no? Kira: I don't want to play. Sooooo, that went well.  I think this prompt might be better for people who don't have borderline personality disorder. I think anyone who knows me would react similarly if I asked them this question. It's quite a finicky, reassurance-seeking disorder so people wisely don't want to mess with it much.Sadly, I wasn't able to do this prompt properly. I guess that means... Best quality: I understand and respect people's boundaries. Worst quality: I have bpd. My ears were bristled firmly Right against your mouth to hear When you tried to spit the venom out Your words were not so clear |
Artist: Pet Shop Boys Song: It's a Sin [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Take us on a sensory journey to a place that is significant to you. Try to describe the place using all of your senses so we can be there with you! Aww, I'm sad on this one because I started trying to think of a place that's significant to me and realized that I don't have any significant places.  Like most people in large cities, I live in a tiny insignificant box. I don't even decorate my apartments because I don't live in them long enough for it to be worth it. You have to fix any holes you put in the walls and you can't paint anything. I'll be out of here in less than a year so it seems pointless.Other than that, there's school, which is usually either too hot or too cold depending on the season and most of the rooms smell vaguely musty or stale for some reason. So, those are the only two places I spend a significant amount of time at this point. I did have some places that were significant to me as a kid. I was raised on a huge plot of land in a rural area and there was little light pollution. My older brother got a telescope when I was about 8 or 9 years old. We would go out on humid summer nights and set the telescope up in the middle of our property. The land was encircled by woods on all sides with about 50 acres carved out in the center. It was perfect for stargazing. And stargazing was a perfect excuse to stay out of the house until my parents were in bed, which was a necessity for us at times. I loved watching fireflies (or lightning bugs as I think they call them some places) flickering in the distant fields and between the trees. Some nights the sky appeared almost more purple than blue. I remember feeling really, really small. Like there was no way I would ever be significant or make any impact on such a vast universe. My brother and I talked about religion a lot then. We would talk about the aferlife and what we thought it might be like. We thought about the fact that we would someday cease to exist. We questioned whether or not there would be anything after we died or if it would just be like blowing out a candle. Nothing left. Being raised religious, this wasn't something we were supposed to consider. You're told what happens after death and you're supposed to trust that, so I would get a little panicky sometimes knowing I was questioning something that I wasn't meant to question. Mostly, I felt rushed during those times. Like there wouldn't be time for everything because how could there be? Anyway, I wrote a poem back in 2015 for the 30 Day Image Prompt. The image inspired me to reflect on my past through my current filter. "Invalid Entry" At school they taught me how to be So pure in thought and word and deed They didn't quite succeed |
Artist: Tears for Fears Song: Everybody Wants To Rule The World [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about a fear you experienced as a child that you have since overcome. Don't worry, I won't go too deep on this one. It's too early to ruin my day. Let's keep it somewhat lighthearted. I'll throw out some of my childhood fears I've happily overcome, along with a few childhood fears I'm stuck with still.Childhood fears I've overcome:  The dark. Like a lot of kids, I was petrified of the dark. I slept full-on with the lights on. Not a nightlight, not a bedside lamp, but the full overhead ceiling light. My parents tried to get me to learn to trust a smaller light source, but they casted shadows across my room that scared me even more than the dark.  Storms. I can't even imagine how or why, but I was terrified of thunderstorms as a child. Any notion of acclimate weather sent me into a panic. I hated lightning and thunder. When it would storm, I would count the seconds between the lightning and thunder willing it to end quickly. It's ironic because I absolutely love storms now. It's my favorite thing to lie in bed at night (in the dark!) and watch a storm roll in. There's just something so relaxing about it. I did a total 180 on the matter. Monsters/aliens/ghosts. When I was a kid, I thought these things would be a much bigger problem in life. I watched too much scary stuff and read too many scary books at a young age, so I was convinced that it was a matter of when I would be attacked by a monster/abducted by aliens/haunted by a ghost and not a matter of if those things would happen. Luckily, I've completely overcome those fears so no one has to check under my bed anymore. *monster*Childhood fears I still have: Diseases. Having obsessive compulsive disorder, this is the biggie. I wasn't diagnosed as a child, but looking back, it's obvious that I've suffered from it since a young age. During my first health class when I was 8 or so, I regularly had anxiety attacks thinking that I or my loved ones would contract deadly diseases. I also had 'magical thinking' regarding diseases. That's an OCD terminology meaning that I thought I personally was in control of causing/preventing diseases in myself and the people I cared about. For example, I was afraid that if I didn't pray the "right" way at night, a terrible illness would befall my loved ones. That meant that if my thoughts strayed at all while praying or if something was at all "off" then I had to completely restart. It was very ritualistic and anxiety-inducing for me and still is as an adult. The only difference is that I don't pray anymore so I have different compulsions now. Stranger danger. We're always taught as kids not to go with strangers or trust strangers. Honestly, it's a good lesson for life in general. I don't like it at all when people I don't know talk to me. I know that sounds very antisocial, but I just don't trust other people. If I'm in public, say on the train or something, and someone starts talking to me I immediately assume they have insidious intent even though they're maybe just bored. I think I realized that the monsters/aliens/ghosts of my childhood nightmares are actually other humans. Spiders. I just really, really don't like them. If I encountered one as a kid, I would scream and cry. Now I just scream. So... improvements! Help me make the most Of freedom and of pleasure Nothing ever lasts forever Everybody wants to rule the world |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Devil in the Details [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Share three pieces of advice you’ve received through your life that you wish you had heard earlier. 1. Comfort is more important than politeness. If I ever have a kid, this is the very first thing I want to teach them after the basics. I was raised to believe that being polite is the most important thing. "Yes, sir." "No, sir." "Yes, ma'am." "No, ma'am." "Yes, please." "Thank you." Always. My parents required these niceties. I would get in trouble if someone asked me a question during mass and I responded with just "yes, no, nah, yeah." My parents received lots of compliments on how quiet and well-behaved I was. I was also taught to respect others whether I knew them or not, and this went doubly for an elder. If someone was much older than me, which most people are when you're a child, I was taught not to even question them. The most disrespectful question was "why?" I was supposed to follow rules and do what I was told to do without questioning it. All of these things have the potential to be nice. I mean, who doesn't like a kid that listens to what they're told to do and shows a lot of respect and politeness? But these things can also be a detriment to a kid. If there's one thing I'd want a kid to know, it's that it's okay to leave a situation if you're uncomfortable. If you get that weird feeling in your gut and your instincts are screaming at you that something isn't quite right, fuck politeness. Just get yourself to a place where you feel comfortable and safe. Because I was so afraid as a kid to be seen as 'rude,' I allowed myself to get in or stay in situations where my heart was screaming that something was off, but my brain was screaming that it would be rude to disobey or otherwise disrespect the person. This is something I still struggle with to an extent. My first instinct when a situation starts giving me red flags is, "Well, I don't really wanna be a dick, so..." But I'm getting better at telling myself, No, you feel uncomfortable in the situation. It's okay to feel uncomfortable. It doesn't matter why you feel uncomfortable. Just kinda be rude if you need to. Oh, and by the way, just because someone is older than you doesn't mean they instantly earn respect and are immune to any criticism. 2. Listen with the intent to understand rather than with the intent to reply. My professor told this to my public speaking class before we listened to each other's argumentative speeches. It's so difficult to remember to put your ego aside and actively listen, with an open heart and open mind, to another person. At the same time, it's so easy to tell when you're speaking to someone who is just waiting for their turn to start talking. It's almost like you can see their wheels turning, OK, shut up so I can say what I planned to say instead of listening to you. That was one of my favorite lessons in my entire education. Argumentative speeches have a lot of topics that are difficult to listen to. I had knee-jerk reactions to some of the speeches where my brain just instantly shut down when the person started presenting their "Why Abortion should be Illegal" speech. My mind was not persuaded or changed on any topic during those speeches, but once I started actively listening to someone's perspective, I could at least begin to understand why they felt the way they felt. I didn't agree with them to any extent, but my takeaway from that was: Other people are entitled to opinions that are different than yours and that's okay. Stop thinking about what you're going to say to make them think like you. 3. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Hanlon's razor explains so many of the things I didn't understand in life for the longest time. I also find that it almost becomes an optimist vs. pessimist thing. Probably best explained through an example. Person A sees someone parked over the line in a parking lot and thinks, Wow, this person is a real asshole. They think they're entitled to two parking spots. Person B sees someone parked over the line in a parking lot and thinks, Wow, this person completely lacks self-awareness. I've started trying to frame my mind around Person B because life is just easier for me to accept that way. When I can, I try to assume that someone did something because they're just not that bright or self-aware rather than thinking that they did something with malice intent. Sometimes people aren't doing something shitty because they're intent on inconveniencing you or disrupting your life. Sometimes they're not even doing something shitty because they're selfish and entitled. Sometimes people do shitty things because they just lack the capacity to see what they're doing and how it could affect other people. That doesn't excuse the shittiness, but it's slightly better than doing something with specific malice intent. Also, it's important to remember to have empathy for people. When I see something kind of shitty (but not completely egregious), I try to remind myself that I have no idea what that person is going through. They could have a family member in the hospital, they could be sick and on medications, they could have insomnia and not slept for days, they could have just lost their job, they could be going through a divorce. There are a million situations that could lead to a lapse in judgment, and it's wise to keep that in mind. I made amends In the general sense But the devil's in the details |
Artist: Rage Against The Machine Song: Tire Me [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write an entry inspired by any three WDC emoticons. You pick the emoticons, but make sure they are tied to your entry in some way.    Can you tell what I'm going to rant about from the 3 emoticons? I'm sooooo sick of talking about/hearing about politics. Yes, I'm making the logical choice to rant about it. But listen, because I don't think I'm alone here. Before I even get into it, here is why it bothers me... I can usually avoid news/politics pretty well. I can just go about my business, silently inform myself, vote when the time comes. It's usually a very quiet affair. I can see things in both parties that I favor and make a decision based on whatever my criteria happens to be. That's all there is to it. With this administration, it's fucking impossible. It's impossible to just put your head in the sand and 'mind your business' so to speak. Like, the shit is so over-the-top outrageous and egregious that you can't really avoid hearing about it. And then on top of that, because it's so horrific, you can't be like, "LOL oh well!" So I find myself way more involved and informed than I normally am because it's like, there are some things you just can't in good conscience pretend don't exist. That being said I never talk about politics in public or when I'm visiting someone. I just don't find it to be necessary. It's always negative and I don't want to roll up on someone's house, like, "Hey, our country is broken!  "So, this weekend, I went to visit family which involved a fair bit of driving. Here's what I endured during this venture. First of all, we stopped at a gas station about halfway there and this guy is very loudly talking to the cashier about Trump's "go back to your country" thing. We'd already filled the car outside, but we decided to go in and grab a couple bottles of water because it was like 5000 degrees outside. We get what we want and go up to the register and... they just keep talking like we're not there. "Well, ya know... I guess... if they DoNt LiKe AMeRiCa MayBe ThEY sHoUlD just leave."  Which, sidenote, is an extremely narrow and unamerican perspective. You can go right ahead and u-turn out of my life if you think that's an appropriate way to treat US citizens. But the point is, they just kept talking about it while we were standing there trying to buy our drinks. Granted, it was in a pretty small town and the place was otherwise empty. I cleared my throat rather loudly and they glanced at me and then just kept talking.  Kira was like, "AHEMMMM EXCUSE ME." And then the customer stepped, like, 4 inches to the side and just stayed there while we checked out so that they could go back to their conversation when we left.We got back on the road and shortly before reaching our destination, we decided we should stop somewhere and grab food. I knew we probably wouldn't be eating right away because we were going to visit family so we didn't want to be starving the whole time. We stopped at some little diner and, of course, the news is blaring on the television there. So, we had the wonderful opportunity of hearing all about the political clusterfuck while we ate grilled cheese and soup.Finally, we arrived at my brother's house and we're having a really good visit. And then, suddenly... "Sooooooooo, what do you think about everything going on with Trump and all that?!" Please, no. MERCY. Seriously. This all occurred within 3 hours, by the way. And then, later on, I visit my grandfather and he has the news on in the living room where we're talking. One of the first things he says is, "What do you think about all this......???" I can't. I don't blame people at all for bringing it up. Like, it's crazy shit. I'm young, but I've never experienced or seen anything comparable to it. But sometimes I just want to hang out and NOT discuss what's going on the news. I want to catch up on what's going on in your life, not figure out where we both stand on politics. And, just to add in, I feel like people are testing each other often when they bring up politics. They already know how they feel about whatever's going on. I personally think that when a friend or family member brings something up, they're either consciously or subconsciously making sure that you agree with them. I totally understand why people do this. Like I said earlier, if someone thinks that anyone who doesn't agree with every aspect of America should have to leave the country, that's a huge problem for our relationship. But basically, the point of this entry, is that being in the US completely tires me right now. I hear about politics at school, at the gas station, at restaurants, almost every time I'm one-on-one with another human, etc... It's entirely unsustainable. I try to not bring it up when I do hear about something, although admittedly I don't always succeed, but I definitely try to curb political conversations quickly by being relatively unapproachable or unwilling to engage in it. Like I said, I'm young so maybe it doesn't hold a lot of weight, but I've never seen my country so divided before. My in-laws visited a little over a month ago and I still haven't recovered from how much they support Trump. "I just love  how he really GOES for it! We need someone  to really tell it like it is and stir  things up  !!!" I was stunned. We're talking fully educated, hardworking, and seemingly intelligent people absolutely LOVING that our president is keeping children in gated pens without soap or essential hygiene products (which was the especially hot button issue at the time). They were straight up giddy with joy. They think everything that's going on is both fun and funny. Take away all of the headlines, just pretend they don't exist, I still don't understand how a person could possibly be enjoying the division of our country. It sincerely changes my opinion of a person. And, for those who don't remember, I was one of the few people who accepted that people have different viewpoints and stated immediately after the election in 2016 that we should not be bullying each other regardless: "Invalid Entry" .People everywhere (yes, even on WDC) were being pretty vicious to each other in November of 2016. I saw that divisiveness on the site almost 3 years ago and it really bothered me. I wasn't okay with seeing people from either side calling each other names immediately following the election. Go read the comments on that entry if you don't remember or don't believe me. What I hate so much about politics right now is that it has gotten so bad I simply cannot be as middle ground as I was then. With the things I see and hear things going on now, if someone is gleeful about it, it really breaks my heart. I can't believe that people who I've loved and respected for years would be gleeful about the current climate. And that's why I'm saying to about at this point. I can't stand to see the way things are and I don't want to hear another person I care about saying that "it's not that bad" or "well, they deserve it" or "at least he's shaking things up! " It's a completely devastating lack of empathy for other humans. If someone refuses to change their voting from republican, okay, I can accept that. If someone is joyous about the way this administration is running things, it's unconscionable and indefensible to me, sadly. Yeah, ya tryin' to tire me, tire me I can see you in front of me, front of me |
Artist: The Smiths Song: Hand in Glove [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about some of the words that were introduced in the year you were born according to Merriam-Webster dictionary by referring to the website below:https://www.merriam-webster.com/time-traveler Okay, so, I was born at the end of 1991... Gender nonconforming & heteronormative Definitions: Gender noncomforming = exhibiting behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits that do not correspond with the traits typically associated with one's sex : having a gender expression that does not conform to gender norms heteronormative = of, relating to, or based on the attitude that heterosexuality is the only normal and natural expression of sexuality I'm genuinely surprised to see that these words were added all the way back in 1991. These words have only started getting widespread recognition in the past 5 years as far as I know. I thought they were relatively recent terms. Of course, we always knew that some people did not conform to the societal standards for their gender, but I didn't know people were actually using the terminology back in the early '90s. Cybersex Definition: cybersex = online sex-oriented conversations and exchanges This one doesn't surprise me at all because it seems like about the right time frame for instant messaging chatrooms and that kind of stuff. And in any form that people can communicate, there's gonna be sex.  Brain Freeze Definition: Brain freeze = a sudden shooting pain in the head caused by ingesting very cold food (such as ice cream) or drink Can you imagine NOT having a word for this? Well, I mean, I guess some of you should be able to remember I time where you had to describe a brain freeze without using the term. What did you guys call it before then? A cold headache?  Hoochie Definition: hoochie = a sexually promiscuous young woman You're welcome, world!SSRI Definition: ssri = any of a class of antidepressants (such as fluoxetine) that inhibit the inactivation of serotonin by blocking its reuptake by presynaptic neuron endings This one is the exact opposite of "gender nonconforming/heteronormative" for me. I thought SSRIs had been around way longer than 1991. Like, I feel like I remember my doctor talking about Prozac being around way before then. I think his exact words were like, "It's totally safe to take! Prozac has been around for like 40 years!" Pescatarian Definition: pescatarian = one whose diet includes fish but no other meat I'm a vegetarian, but I know several pescatarians. I guess fish don't have any feelings after all?  Mixtape Definition: mixtape = a compilation of songs recorded (as onto a cassette tape or a CD) from various sources Aww, this is kind of my favorite one on the 1991 list. Who among us hasn't made a mixtape for someone we like?  Time Suck Definition: time suck = an activity to which one devotes a lot of time that might be better or more productively spent doing other things Ohh, I get it. Like, "WDC is a time suck." Granny Panties Definition: granny panties = women's underpants having a high waist and low-cut legs Big yikes.  Carjacking Definition: carjacking = the theft of an automobile from its driver by force or intimidation Okay, I know carjackings existed long before 1991. Can anyone tell me what you called them? Just... car theft? auto theft? "Someone stole my car!" ?Everything depends upon How near you stand to me |
Artist: The Weeknd Song: Dark Times [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What are your weekend plans? If this weekend isn’t noteworthy, share your plans for an upcoming weekend or a past weekend that is worth writing about. I don't mind the "torture" prompts. During summer break, I lose track of days. Really, I've not had the concept of 'weekends' for years. I've been going to school during the week and working on weekends. So whether it's Tuesday or Saturday, it doesn't matter that much to me. During the semester, I'm busy doing shit I don't wanna do regardless. This weekend, I'm gonna go see my family. I've been putting it off for a while and keep telling myself I'll do it next weekend, I'll do it next weekend. So, this is next weekend, I guess. I like seeing my brothers and I like seeing my nieces. But it's not like I can just drive all the way out and hand select who I want to see, you know? I was fine before this year, by the way. I never gave too much thought to visiting whoever whenever. Sometimes I'd get a little bit anxious and I'd usually get a bit triggered following a visit, but it wasn't like something I had to force myself to do. Now it's just a lot rougher. Once the whole family split between my grandfather & parents happened... honestly, I haven't seen any of them since then and that was in March. Between the whole, "Hey, everyone gets abused so don't talk about it" thing and the "He's a liar. No, he's a liar" thing, I was just like... [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] I was also in the middle of midterms and had surgery at the same time as this, so it was especially like, just no. I think it was the first time the Catholic guilt didn't hit me super hard. It was just kind of like, I shouldn't have to put up with this in the middle of my last year of college. Like, it's bullshit. For those who haven't read whichever entries I was writing then, the gist of it is that my parents and grandfather don't get along anymore. During the middle of this brutal battle, my grandfather mentioned that they don't treat people very well and are abusive, and he cited ME as proof of this. Like, "Exhibit A - This total clusterfuck you call Charlie." This infuriated my parents who assumed I was talking shit about them (I wasn't), and they made it their life's mission to make sure I knew that other kids have had it way worse than me and that I need to shut the fuck up immediately and forever. So, that's basically where things have been with my family since March. I haven't seen them and I haven't talked to them (minus being included in some group chats with my mother). When all that went down, I definitely had people in my 'real life' and people here telling me that I should step back from things for a while. I'm the type of person who needs "permission" to do things. Like, even just, "Hey, if I were you. . ." because then I can think okay, there's no reason to feel guilty and what you're doing is valid. I remember Fivesixer  telling me that I'm not under any obligation to anyone for anything, especially if they're toxic. And I remember Robert Waltz  giving me a totally new perspective as someone who was adopted. I remember Warped Sanity  giving a really interesting perspective on normal parenting errors vs. abuse and I remember ~Minja~  talking about how people use denial to cope with their mistakes. I remember Elle - on hiatus even asking her own kids about their experiences so that I could see like, hey, abuse isn't "totally normal."And over the last 4 months, I've reflected on those things a lot. When I start feeling that sick, familiar feeling of guilt rising, I remind myself, hey, you don't owe anyone anything, just take care of yourself. Or when a memory arises that starts making me feel like compelled to just reach out and take whatever they're ready to throw at me, I think about how we can choose who we want involved in our lives and blood relatives don't necessarily make the best family. Of course, I've thought a lot about what the people around me have said too. For example, someone in my 'real life' talked to me about the limited capacity that people have at a given time. They told me that a person doesn't need to be sorry if they don't have the emotional resources or capacity to confront or deal with an issue. But, in the past few weeks, I've been really struggling. I can't explain what this type of guilt feels like, but it's very deep-seated and I don't think it's something that a person can completely outgrow. It's just such a foundational part of my development as a human. I've been thinking about how these people are getting older and how terrible I'd feel if something happened, yada yada yada. So, that's my plan this weekend... Yes, I said all of that to summarize that this is the weekend I've decided to follow through. After a few weeks of saying I'd do it next week, it's finally time to go through with it.I haven't actually called my grandfather yet to tell him I'm driving out because I am EXHAUSTED even thinking about doing it. I legitimately tried to call him yesterday to tell him I'd be there this weekend and I literally fell asleep because the thought stressed me out so much that I just laid in bed for, like, two hours. Can we go back to the "torture" prompts now because this one was more torturous for me. In my dark time taking it down to the street Making those promises that I would never keep |
Artist: Sonic Youth Song: Superstar [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Complete the following statement: To achieve greatness, one must... Well, as someone in their twenties, I definitely know the answer to this. Maybe it's all bullshit, but here's my 5-step breakdown that I try to follow when I want to excel at something.Step 1: Define greatness. I have no idea what "greatness" means. Is that, like, being really good at something? "To achieve greatness in ______, one must _____" would almost work better. Because that's easier to figure out. If you want to achieve greatness drawing, you have to practice a ton, learn techniques, use the right instruments, etc... And even then, how do you know when you've achieved greatness? When people want to buy your work? When you're personally satisfied with your drawings? When they're hanging up in art museums? Who knows. Step 2: Be passionate. Regardless of how you define greatness, I think passion is key to achieving greatness in anything. Have you ever seen a musician perform who's just totally out of the concept of making and performing music? Like, they're just totally bored, half-assing everything, fucking up constantly. It's far from great. If you lose the spark of passion, nothing you do will be all that great, probably. Step 3: Set the bar & then raise it. I think the next step is setting the bar for what you believe to be "greatness" in what you're trying to do. If you don't have somewhere to aim, you can't really measure your achievements. For example, if I wasn't about to get a piece of paper saying I've completed the requirements and now have a college degree, I would have no idea what I was aiming for. Yeah, I've taken a ton of classes, but without an end goal, what does that even mean? Then as you reach that bar, you have to raise it. Right? That's what reaching potential is about- moving goal posts until you've pushed them as far as they can go. Now that I've reached the bar for all the classes and time I've been putting in, the degree doesn't even mean anything to me anymore. It's all about what's next? Step 4: Make decisions, even especially if they're risky. I fairly strongly believe that all of the good things I have in life came from making a risky decision. Think about it. If you've ever been married, that's a risky decision. That could be great or a gigantic mistake. If you've ever gone to school, switched careers, moved really far away, or majorly gone out of your comfort zone, those all started with making risky decisions. This is a big one for me because I'm someone who hates to make decisions. What if I make the wrong one? It's very stressful for me. But a couple people have told me along the way, like, "Hey, you do know that not making a decision is making a decision, right?" Every year you put something off, every time you push something until 'later', you're making a decision that impacts everything. Step 5: Accept failures. Also, call them setbacks instead of failures, probably. Not everything is going to be your aptitude. Some things you have to work way harder at just to be mediocre when other people can just pick it up and be excellent. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong or that you're any less of a person.I've let so many things in life make me feel small. There's just always so much self-doubt and questioning of my ability to do anything right. If you can accept setbacks and accept that most things aren't linear without giving up or getting too down on yourself, I think that's probably the most important part of achieving greatness, whatever that means. Your guitar It sounds so sweet and clear But you're not really there It's just the radio |
Artist: Silversun Pickups Song: Substitution [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Describe the earliest memory you have. I kinda just want to forget most of my memories, to be honest. I was just telling Ky the other night, I want to be able to just lay down at night, close my eyes, and remember nothing. I don't want the memories just rolling in my mind like a movie I can't stop. It's like a regular thing for me to either start crying or nearly start crying when I try to sleep at night. My brain just kind of isolates and latches onto a memory that I don't want to think about and is like, "K, buckle up, bitch!" I'm guessing part of that is from having obsessive compulsive disorder that leans heavily pure o. I think another part of it is just having an absolute plethora of bad memories to think about. If I talk to anyone in my family about anything ever, it's like 10x worse for several days. I do mean anything at all. For example, if my brother is like, "Hey bro! What's up?" my brain is somehow triggered even though my brother is awesome and one of the only positive things from my childhood. That's not my answer to the prompt. That's just me ranting about how much I don't like remembering memories. I super thoroughly answered this prompt here: "Invalid Entry" and I honestly don't think I can top that description. I also answered the prompt in this entry from 2014 with basically the same thing but in a more lighthearted way: "Invalid Entry" The very short 'too long; didn't read' version is that my first memory is from preschool when I was three years old. I loathed preschool and I made the biggest fuss possible until my grandfather was like, "uhhh, I'll just watch him every day." I remember other things too. I remember my first day of kindergarten. My grandmother took me and I cried. I met a really nice girl immediately who was like, "Hey, everything's gonna be okay  " and it made me feel a lot better. I remember getting chicken pox in kindergarten and I remember some family vacations and stuff like that.A lot of things are just a blur though. Like entire several year periods where I only have 2 or 3 memories, but the few I do have a very vivid and detailed. For the most part, i try to be forward-looking like stockholders. I'm kind of going in circles on this one, but maybe someone else has an interesting memory to share. I know you've heard it before But then it wasn't enough You don't wanna be held back from the substitution |
Artist: Misfits Song: Helena [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Today, let’s talk movies. What was the most recent movie you watched? Have you been to the theater recently? What movie are you looking forward to? What is your favorite movie of all time? I'm pretty much obsessed with anything horror-related. Horror movies, horror stories, horror games, horror art. I'm into it all. My parents were really weird in that they let me watch ANYTHING as a kid. I have older siblings and I'd sit alongside them while they watched slasher films when I was, like, three. I don't recommend it because I was petrified of everything as child. I was afraid of getting massacred while walking down the hallway to my bedroom. I was afraid of getting kidnapped. I was afraid of ghosts and natural disasters. I was definitely afraid of the dark, being abducted by aliens, and contagious viruses. You name it, I'd seen it in a movie and was scared of it.I always liked watching scary stuff, even when I was afraid of it. I'd excitedly pick out and consume anything that had a "scary" cover at the video store. As I got older though, I stopped being afraid of those things, probably because I realized that there are many real-life horrors that are statistically more likely to happen and should thus take precedence in the fear department. By the time I was 10 or so, I didn't flinch or jump or cover my eyes during any horror movie.So, that being said, let's talk scary movies. Recently watched Rewatched the OG Poltergeist recently. This movie is great in the beginning and then gets kind of slow in the middle for me. But then the ending is so balls to the wall crazy that it makes up for anything that was a bit of a drag. The movie is almost 2 hours long. I'd cut about 20 minutes off the middle for a super stellar watch. If satanic horror is your bit, I highly recommend The House of the Devil . It's definitely a slow burn, but the movie is only like 95 minutes long so if you're like me and have a short attention span, you should still be okay. There's a lot of tension and build up and it's just totally unsettling. Some nice satanic imagery and a relatable lead character too. I had heard so many good things about A Dark Song and I was disappointed when I saw it last week. It's just so repetitive and the ending is laughable. The final 10 minutes sincerely seem like a parody. I couldn't believe it was legitimately made and released. The movie has a good premise. It's about a woman who hires an occultist to perform a ritual that will summon her guardian angel so that she can speak to her dead child. It just didn't deliver well on the premise, in my opinion.Theatre screenings I don't see a lot of movies in theatre at all. I get distracted by people around me eating, talking, and checking their phones. It takes me out of the moment which is vital to the experience of viewing a horror movie. That being said, here are some recent ones from the past couple years that I braved the cinema to see. Hereditary was straight up stressful to watch. I don't remember the last time a movie made me feel so much tension and anxiety. It was just absolutely suffocating for over 2 hours. Let me pause here and say that if you're someone who does not like horror movies, you may not know this, but-- all of these things are good things for a horror movie. Being able to draw a viewer in to the extent that they're physically and mentally stressed out is incredibly difficult. It's like a book making you cry. It's a good thing. It means you're invested. Hereditary was an amazing movie and I honestly never want to see it again. I also saw A Quiet Place in theatre and that's super ironic because the theatre is NOT. A. QUIET. PLACE. For those who don't know the premise of this movie, it's basically a dystopian where the post-apocalyptic world has monsters who have ultra-sensitive hearing the only way to survive is to live in complete silence at all times. I really should have waited for this one to come out on dvd. Not because it wasn't great, but because there were a lot of very quiet, tense scenes that were totally ruined by the audience talking and being loud. It definitely took me out of the moment and killed the tension more than once. This spring, I saw Us in theatre. It's the second horror movie from Jordan Peele, the first being the amazingly popular Get Out (which I also saw at the cinema). Us is very socio-political and I'm assuming all of his horror movies are going to be. I didn't like this one quite as much as Get Out, but I liked the political undertones more in this one. Looking forward to watching This fall should be pretty good for horror movies. Autumn is the season of terror after all, right? I'll definitely see It Chapter Two on release day which is September 6th. I loved the novel, loved the 90s miniseries, and loved the 2017 remake. I really like the 80s revival thing that's going on in horror right now with Stranger Things and It. I think Bill Skarsgård makes a really good Pennywise too. I've been patiently waiting for Chapter Two since 2017. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark was a three-part book series published from 1981-1991. You best believe that my terrified little self was reading these under the covers with a flashlight as a kid. The illustrations were straight up terrifying. I was so beyond excited when I heard they were making the series into a movie. I recently flipped through the first book in the series again and the illustrations still hold up. Doctor Sleep AKA The Shining 2 is coming out in November and I'm looking forward to it soooo much. Not only am I an Ewen McGregor fanboy (for whatever reason), but I also love the director, Mike Flanagan. I've actually not read the book by Stephen King because it just came out in 2013 and I kind of forgot about it, but it's definitely on my to-read list before November.All-time favorites This is the only category that's a little bit difficult for me. Are my all-time favorites just the ones that scared me the most? Are they the ones that I've watched the most times because they have a lot of rewatch value? Are they the classics that paved the way for more modern horror movies that I enjoy? The Shining is the first one that comes to mind, especially after thinking about Doctor Sleep. I love this movie so much for a very specific reason. When I initially saw it, I was terrified for Danny. Like, his dad was completely going psychotic, my own dad was pretty nuts. The thought of being trapped in a hotel in the middle of untraversable winter conditions for months just terrified me. I was already stuck in the middle of nowhere in my own house so it wasn't much of a stretch for my young mind.Then when I watched it in my late teens, I was terrified for Wendy. Shelley Duvall's character is just so entirely weak and helpless in this relationship with someone who is losing their mind. By then I'd been in relationships and just thought the idea of loving and relying on someone only to have them completely unravel was scary. It's like, what do you do when you're dependent on someone who spirals like that? And then I watched it in my early 20s and I was terrified for Jack. Jack Torrance's character is having nightmares, hallucinating, struggling with addiction, entirely unable to regulate his emotions, experiencing serious writer's block & cabin fever, and (if you've read the book) is dealing with the aftermath of an abusive childhood. Basically, the movie has something for everyone. And it's interesting to me that as I aged, I related to a different character every time I watched it. That alone makes it a superior horror movie in my eyes. More recently, 2014's The Babadook was devastatingly beautiful. The horror of the movie is that the monsters are things you cannot escape - mental illness, grief, loneliness. The mental breakdown and deterioration of the mother who is reeling from the violent death of her husband was almost too real, even for me. I have to put The Descent on the list for being one of the only horror movies to ever actually make me scream. This movie is just scary through and through. Should you be more afraid of the monsters or the humans? It has a couple really well-placed and tasteful jump scares that almost made me piss myself. Not recommended for those with claustrophobia. If I cut off your arms and cut off your legs Would you still love me anyway? |
Artist: Catfish and the Bottlemen Song: Longshot [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Describe a time when a personal failure became a positive experience. I quite strongly believe that when one door closes, another opens. Alexander Graham Bell said it best: "When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." Call me naïve, but if you pivot and jockey enough, I think you can get what you need. It may not be what you want at the time, but it's enough to get you through. What I'm getting at here is that all of my personal failures have led to positive experiences. For example, I got kicked out of my parents' house and dropped out of high school. That's not a spectacular achievement, yeah? But, that entire situation led me to Kira. If all of that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been in any kind of position where her or I would have met and gotten married. Another example, I ended up changing my major a year or so into university. At the time, it felt like a major failure as I felt like I couldn't keep up with the curriculum in my previous major. It was a serious hit to my self-esteem. But now I'm about to graduate with a double major in two highly sought after fields. My current majors are way more practical and applicable for real life work experience. Not to mention the fact that I genuinely enjoy the work way more than what I was doing in my original major. Another 'nother example, I've been very open here about struggling with addiction and mental illness. I've had some pretty terrible vices and coping strategies that have led me to places I wouldn't wish on an enemy. But all of these things, all these mistakes and fuck ups, have created the person I am now. If you like anything at all about me, trust that it most likely wouldn't be a part of me if I didn't have the experiences I've had. Everything from my writing style to my ability to convey empathy comes from the cumulation of all of those experiences. It's important to recognize that personal failures are a natural part of being alive. None of them have to be 100% negative experiences. Sure, sometimes things are gonna be 80/20 in favor of negativity, but if you really analyze the aftermath of a personal failure, you can usually find some positive aspect to lean on. Listen, the distance between us could’ve took a while Once we closed that difference, you'd turn up like a friend of mine |
Artist: Radiohead Song: Karma Police [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : In the age of the internet, most everything we say and do online will be preserved forever. Even though our opinions, beliefs, and actions change over time, should we still be held accountable for our words, even words spoken or written years ago? This prompt is so deliciously 2019, right?  We've seen tons of stories in the news in the last couple years where someone's past social media posts have been dug up years after the fact. The fact of the matter is that many people can get away with having a not-so clean social media record because people aren't obsessively looking through and reacting to their posts. Most of us can't relate to what it would be like having millions of people dig through everything you've ever publicly written looking for something that could be deemed problematic.There are a few different factors that play into it in my mind. Societal changes Things that were socially acceptable to say in 1999 aren't socially acceptable twenty years later in 2019. I'm sure some things that are socially acceptable today in 2019 will not be socially acceptable in 2039. That means all of us who have ever written anything on the internet have said something that could be potentially offensive twenty years in the future. There's no way to predict major societal shifts. Some things are harmless, if not a bit off-color, but aren't considered derogatory by today's standards. There's no guarantee of that in the future. When these things come up, it's important to look at the time frame in which they were said. You can't just something from 1990 in 2020 standards. It just doesn't work. Age Another thing to look at is the person's age when they said the questionable thing. I for one don't believe that something an 18 year old said holds the same weight as something a 45 year old said. At 45, you've had many years to mature and grow into a respectful, empathetic, and caring human. At 18 years old, your brain isn't even fully developed yet. You'll still be regularly making mistakes and hopefully learning along the way and growing as a person. It doesn't really work for someone in their 50s to say, "Well, gee, I was really young 10 years ago and I've since matured and grown as a person." But it can definitely be more reasonable for someone in their 30s to say, "Well, ya know, I was really young 10 years ago and my worldview was confused at the time/I was emotionally immature at the time, and I've since experienced more things and grown as a person." Context Of course, all of this depends on context. What was the person actually saying or trying to say? Was it within the context of some larger message or was it just a heinously cruel remark? Were they having an off-color sense of humor that went over well at the time, but goes over terribly now? Or were they being deliberately and maliciously hateful with no remorse? There are differences between these things. Intentions do matter regardless of what anyone thinks. There's a major difference between inciting rage-filled hatred toward a specific person or group of people and making a stupid, off-handed remark that gets buried within seconds. Did the person actively spend time building a following revolving around a cruel ideology or did they one time in 2007 say one sentence that could be seen as potentially problematic? Context is important The Redemption Arc™ And then there's the infamous Redemption Arc.™ People do make mistakes. Even whole-ass adults make mistakes all the time. Life isn't about being a perfect person and I'd readily challenge anyone who says that they have never uttered or written a sentence that could be viewed as potentially offensive to another person or group of people. I fully believe in people's ability to be better than the person they were yesterday. I think a person's ability to admit wrongdoing and attempt to make amends is worth a lot. If we don't give people that chance to improve, then what is the point in improving in the first place? Who is going to have the motivation to put forth effort in being a better person if they're just going to be shunned for their past mistakes anyway? We've all done it I would never call anyone out by name, but I've seen people casually drop some real zingers even here on WDC. Things that you'd totally be vilified for saying if you were in the public eye. I can honestly say that I don't believe anyone could find any history of me saying anything racist, sexist, homophobic, etc... against a group of people. It's just not in my personality and especially not in the 5 years I've been on WDC (which is my only 'social media'). However, I will readily admit that I have said things about religion that could be offensive. I have personal trauma related to my Catholic upbringing and I spent many years trying to avoid anything (or anyone) related to Catholicism and Christianity. I can almost feel myself mentally going, LALALALALA when I hear or read anything related to it. I've said some super mean things about the religion, and religion in general, obviously borne of angst and pain. My point is... people make mistakes and say stupid things sometimes. There is a lot to consider when thinking of accountability for things that have been said in the past. It's rarely black and white. Karma police, I've given all I can It's not enough, I've given all I can |
Artist: Lana Del Rey Song: Radio [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Have fun answering these “Would you Rather?” questions in your blog today! You can choose to answer as few or as many as you like Well, it has been a while since I've played Would You Rather. We should do Truth or Dare next. Or Never Have I Ever. Or Spin the Bottle, wait, no, not that one. Why does this make me want to go camping? Would you rather live a boring, long life or an exciting, short life? I think I've proven once (or twice) that I'd rather do the short and event-filled thing. It's important to have a story to tell. Wait, let me rephrase, it's important to me to have a story to tell. I think my life started out a certain way that wasn't in my control. "Stable" is not a word that I or anyone I know would use to describe my childhood. I could lead a much more stable life now, and I have started to in a lot of ways. But I'm clearly still not all in on this whole long and boring thing. I'm impulsive through and through. It seems that when things are going well and are calm for a while, I find ways to deconstruct it whether I'm consciously doing so or not. There might be a time where I come to prefer the quiet, boring, long life thing. In fact, I can see that as a real possibility if I live long enough. I feel like I'd be a very chill, relaxed retired person. Like, I have so many hobbies and things that I enjoy. If I worked to save for retirement and didn't have to worry about finances after retiring, I can easily see myself enjoying long days of reading, writing, drawing, and all that...It's just that I'm pretty sure I won't be around for that chapter. Would you rather be able to fly or teleport? 100% teleporting. Flying is a cool mode of transportation compared to, like, riding the subway. But compared to teleporting? No way. Teleporting is way cooler. Travel is an inconvenience no matter how you do it. Being able to snap your fingers and just be somewhere though? That would be so awesome. Oh, need to be at school at 9? Just snap your fingers at 8:59 and you're suddenly in class. Can you imagine having no commute whatsoever to work? Yeah, flying would be cool the first few times but then it would just be like, "Ugh, gotta fly to work right now? Shit, a bug just flew in my mouth." No thanks. Would you rather be able to only time travel to the past or only time travel to the future? Future. Always future on this one. The past is in the past for a reason. I don't need to see it. There are interesting events from the past that would be cool to witness, but how many times do you really want to witness them? A lot of history is just terrible and violent anyway. There's so much you could do by being able to travel back and forth between past and present. I'd also be the richest person alive because I'd invest heavily in stocks. Would you rather lose your hearing or your sight? This is the only thing on the list that's difficult for me to answer. I can't imagine losing my hearing because I'd never be able to listen to music or hear people's voices again. That would really suck. But at the same time, I feel like day-to-day life would be more impaired by blindness than by deafness. Plus not being able to see the people you love or travel and see the world. Honestly, I think being blind would be terrifying as well. More so than being deaf. I can't imagine trying to navigate the world without being able to see what you're doing. On the other hand, I feel like deafness would really affect your ability to communicate with people. I mean, with technology, communicating is a lot easier than it once was I'm sure. So basically, I think I have no idea. I really don't want either of those things to happen. If I had to say, and you do HAVE to say when you're playing Would You Rather, I'd say that I'd rather be deaf than blind. But I say it regrettably. Would you rather live the rest of your life as a cat or a dog? I'm basically already a cat.  Dogs are expected to do soooo much. Like, roll over and sit and stay and let's go run outside. Everyone just leaves cats alone. My cats are very chill creatures. They just hang out near me while I write and read. They don't make very much noise at all. Every time I fall asleep during the middle of the day, I have cats laying on me or near me. They're basically living their best life and I'd for sure rather live as a cat than a dog. Pick me up and take me like a vitamin |
Artist: A Perfect Circle Song: Blue [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Make an A-Z list on a topic of your choosing. Stretch your creativity! After you finish your list, write a short narrative describing why you chose the list you did and how it relates to you. I was out late last night so I'm doing my entry later than usual. I've had the opportunity to glance at the other entries though so I won't do any repeat topics (hopefully). American Psycho Boy in the Striped Pajamas Call Me by Your Name Devil Wears Prada Ender's Game Fight Club Gone with the Wind Harry Potter (All of them) I Am Legend Jaws Kite Runner Little Women My Sister's Keeper Never Let Me Go On the Road Psycho Quick and the Dead Revolutionary Road Shutter Island Trainspotting Under the Tuscan Sun V for Vendetta Wuthering Heights X-Men You Were Never Really Here Zodiac  = Read only = Watched only = Read and Watched  = Not Read or WatchedBook vs. Movie In case you didn't catch it, the list is books that have been adapted into movies (and which I've seen/read). I've been meaning to make a list because I've started realizing that a lot of the movies I've watched were books first. I have this thing where I usually won't read a book after I've watched the movie. Not because I don't want to, but because my attention deficit becomes really high when I'm reading a book and I already know what's going to happen. That's unfortunate because it seems like a lot of books are better than their movie counterparts. Like, just looking at my list, I wish I had read "Shutter Island" before I watched it. I can't really go read it now knowing the entire twist of the book. But I think I would have enjoyed the experience reading it more than watching it. I'm also really happy I read "Never Let Me Go" because it's an amazing book. I haven't watched the movie yet, but I'm sure I will sometime. I'm just lucky I found the book before the movie. What do you guys think? Do you usually prefer the book or the movie? Have you ever had a book spoiled by watching the movie first or vice versa?  Best to keep things in the shallow end 'Cause I never quite learned how to swim |
Artist: The Neighbourhood Song: Nervous [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Do you have any tattoos or want one in the future? If you had to have a piece of art permanently on your body, what would you want it to say about you? Prompt via "JAFBG" : First world problems. Tell us about one of yours. I have a lot of tattoos. Like, a lot to the point of being too lazy to count or list them all. Sometimes people are like, "oh yeah, I have this cute little tattoo here" and I'm just like, yeah, I have a full sleeve and a bunch of other random ones. Tattoos are a really weird thing for me though. I got 90% of mine right out of the gate when I was legally allowed to do so. I don't even remember getting a lot of them or what my thought process was at the time. I think it was just, hey, I can do this so I should. Combined with the whole "I'm not gonna be alive for long anyway" thing.Obviously, I was not thinking that I would ever be a few months away from graduating business school. My parents always said that piercings were fine because you can take those out. So I had a lot of those at a young age and I still have a lot of them. Haven't gotten around to taking some of them out yet. But, I have to say, for someone who impulsively got a lot of ink in a relatively short time frame, I didn't do half bad.All of mine are really well done, tasteful, and colorful. Giant neon rainbow koi fish, I see you! That's a feat though because a lot of my friends who I hung around with then were getting tattoos that could easily be confused with prison tattoos. Like the cobwebs on the elbow, spiders, five point crowns, etc... Luckily, all of mine are very "pretty" and could never be associated with gangs or prison or anything like that. Unless there's a Rainbow Brite gang, in which case, I'm totally affiliated.   This is such a first world problem, but... The only thing that's kind of annoying for me about having tattoos now is that I'm, like, not super into them. So, for example, sometimes I'll just be like outside and someone will come up to me and start asking about my tattoos or showing me some tiny butterfly tattoo they have on their shoulder and I'm standing there like, yeah, cool...? I'm not ashamed of my tats, I just have nothing to say about them. There's no magical meaning or well-thought-out process to any of them. They're just cool-looking and that's why I got them. Sometimes people will be like, "Oh, I got this sunflower on my leg because my grandmother really loved sunflowers so when she passed away... blahblahblah" There's nothing wrong with that at all, but also, I can't relate. My tattoos aren't for other people and they don't symbolize super important things to me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I feel like sometimes people get kinda put off by me not wanting to discuss them at length or show them every single one I have. It is funny though because I live in a pretty cold area (except for summer) and I wear flannels like 9 out of 12 months of the year. Sometimes when I get back from winter break and I'm in a class with new people until May, they don't see me without long sleeves for, like, 4 months. Then I wear short sleeves one day and someone will be like, "Whoa, you have a lot of tattoos." I haven't gotten any new tattoos in many years and I kind of doubt I'll get any more. I'm not opposed to the idea and I do still have quite a bit of real estate left, but I'm clearly just not super interested. Tattoos are really common at this point though and that's a good thing for me. It's not socially unacceptable to have tattoos for the most part so I've had no problem thus far with getting jobs or having people take me seriously. But then again, like I mentioned before, mine are very aesthetically-pleasing so I tend to get a lot of compliments. If I had some of the tattoos my friends have, I think I'd have a little more trouble. Most importantly, I should thank my former self for avoiding my hands, neck, and face. You've got me nervous to speak So I just won't say anything at all I've got an urge to release And you keep tellin' me to hold on |
Artist: Troye Sivan Song: Fools [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What’s on your mind right now? Do you have any “brain worms” or current obsessions? If you didn’t have to blog right now, what would you be doing? I'm really obsessed with self-growth and independence right now. I don't know if it's because I'm graduating at the end of the year or if it's a reaction to other things in my life, but I pretty much want to solely make decisions and do things for myself at this point. It's nice to consult other people and get outside perspectives, but I feel like at some point you have to go with your instincts on things, and that's where I'm headed. I'm a person who's very easily influenced by outside forces. If someone I even mildly trust or care about suggests something to me, I'm not likely to go against that suggestion. I don't think that's necessarily a bad trait to have, but it can quickly get you into bad situations when you skip right over your instincts and intuition so that you can meet the expectations of other people. There are a lot of things in life I would have done or would have not done if I had listened to myself rather than accepting other people's opinions as facts. So, when it comes to things relating to myself, here are some rules I'm trying to follow: 1. What do I want? Sounds pretty obvious, but this hasn't always been something I've considered in the past. In fact, it has often been one of the last things I've asked myself when making decisions. I'm trying to think about what I want in my life rather than to anticipate what others want or expect me to do. Usually when a choice falls into my lap, my first thought is, "What would so-and-so want me to do?" I'm trying to steer myself away from that. I'm trying to think along the lines of, "If I didn't know any other people, what choice would I want to make?" Of course, the people you know do play a part in your decisions, I'm just trying to also play a part in my decisions. 2. Less explanations. Like many others, I have a bad habit of over-explaining the reasoning behind what I choose to do. If I do end up making a choice for myself, it feels like I need to explain why I chose that choice. Just going with a common, everyday example: If someone invites me somewhere and I just straight up have no interest in doing what this person has invited me to do, I often find myself coming up with an elaborate explanation for why I won't accept the invitation. Sometimes the explanation is true, but convoluted and rambling. Sometimes I'm just lying because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Which brings me to my next point... 3. No means no. Hypothetically, let's say that I've thought about what I want to do and I've chosen to do what I want to do without explanation to those around me. Now the next problem is that it's super easy for someone to change my mind. I already feel guilty because I've decided to go against what you want me to do. Everyone around me knows I feel guilty because that's just how I am. So all it really takes is for someone to hint at the fact that I should or might feel guilty and my 'no' suddenly becomes a 'well, ok.' 4. No apologies. Logically, I know that I shouldn't have to apologize for making choices that affect my life. But because of the guilt train mentioned above, I have a tendency to repeatedly apologize for not doing what someone else wants me to do. And that makes it even easier for a 'no' to turn into a 'well, ok.' You might read this and think this is a non-issue because you've got no problem telling people what's up and paving your own path in life. All I've got for you is a big, congratulations. For those of us who grew up in situations where we were terrified to express dissenting views, it's not quite as easy. When your well-being and safety relies on you anticipating what another person wants you to say or do, you tend to develop these bad habits. And it might not be a huge deal if you have trouble telling someone you don't want to accept a party invitation without feeling guilty, but when that general problem pervades every decision you make, it's a clusterfuck of an issue. When you're at the point where you're doing things you don't want to do, you're in distress or discomfort and you want out of a situation, but you think, this will be over soon and I don't want a conflict... then shit needs to be re-evaluated. Re-evaluation? So, that's what I've been doing. I've been re-evaluating how I handle even my day-to-day decisions. If I've got a day off from work and I'm tired at 2 in the afternoon? Fuck it, I'm going to sleep. If I disagree with how my boss wants to go about something? Hey, I think there's a more efficient way we could do this. If I get an invite to something I don't want to do? Nope, not my thing, thanks for the invite. If I'm out somewhere and I'm uncomfortable? Well, I'm gonna head out. See you later. If I don't want to talk to someone? The conversation's over. All this simple shit I didn't even realize I could just say. The answer is no. If you push me, the answer is fuck off. And yeah, I've gotten called mean a couple times recently for it. I know it's gotta be hard when you're used to pushing someone around and they suddenly push back. I'm learning more about my boundaries and limits. I'm learning about the things I just straight up won't compromise on. And, as far as I'm concerned, anyone lost along the way should've been lost a long time ago.Don't give a fuck, not giving up, I still want it all |
Artist: Aesop Rock Song: Lazy Eye [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Respond to a current news story with your opinion. Share a link to the story if possible. For those following the prescription saga, my meds are ready for pick up in the morning when the pharmacy opens. Woooof, that was a rough weekend. Hmm, news... so this is what we're gonna do today? Alrighty then, let's go:Okay, I'm back from the hellhole that is the news. Here's what we can talk about: Jeffrey Epstein charged for abusing and sex trafficking children. Off to a good start, yeah? Alright, so, let's get this straight. In 2008, this motherfucker served 13 months in a private wing under 'custody with work release' (which means he spent 16 hours a day outside of prison and was not in a state prison) for soliciting child prostitutes. And let me just interrupt here to say that I can't stand this wording. They're not 14-year old prostitutes - they're 14-year old sex crime victims. Fourteen year olds cannot consent to being prostitutes. But I digress. So this financier who's worth $2 billion serves 13 months for raping a bunch of kids, right? And then he gets out and spends the next 11 years raping and trafficking kids. Yeah? I mean, because that's what happened. It's not like he stopped raping kids for 11 years and then just started again and immediately got caught. This guy got a slap on the wrist and learned nothing, because money. These people are so fucking morally bankrupt. This guy has connections with all the wealthy corrupt people in our country, like Trump and Clinton, for example. All of these people are getting away with this shit daily. This isn't even shocking. How many sex abuse or sexual harassment allegations do all these wealthy businessmen, politicians, and celebrities have agains them? Money goes so far in this country. It's almost like humans are fucking disgusting and money is a conduit for shitty behavior. I don't even want to imagine what people would do to each other if it weren't for the threat of consequences. I mean, these people are a microcosm of that. They are so wealthy that they essentially have no consequences for their actions. Doing something as heinous as being a 55 year old guy raping 14 year olds and only getting 13 months in a private resort for it? No wonder the dude didn't stop. He was practically invincible. How is that fair? This is a complete social class dystopia. Someone who's in poverty will go to prison for 10 years for having a personal use amount of drugs on them and these people are out here sexually abusing people repeatedly and it's just like... oopsie? I guess you'll have to sleep in a private resort for a year. Tough break. I've disgusted myself enough with the topic. Hopefully someone else finds a more positive news story. Maybe I should kinda sorta move to Mars I'm feeling kinda done, too many moving parts |
Artist: Lorde Song: Team [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What fictional character do you admire? What specific characteristics do they possess that make them attractive?I have two, of course. Jo March. Yeah, yeah. Little Women is a 'girl' book. Don't care. I legit related hard to this character as a kid. She's so impulsive and angry, but she's also fiercely independent and strong-willed. I love the gender-bending this book does. It was wildly ahead of its time in terms of society's forced gender roles and Jo's rebellion against them. It's probably even more relevant in 2019 than it was in the 1860s. I've mentioned this book to people before and they're like, "Uhh, isn't that, like, a little girl book?" I'm like, no, no, you're selling it so short right now. I mean, reading it as an 8 year old probably helped some, but it's still a totally legit book. Also, Jo is in love with reading and writing so she's automatically a relatable character for most of us. Holden Caulfield. This was known, right? If you were around during the "Blog like you're..." challenge, I blogged like Holden Caulfield for a week. I've never related to a character harder than when I read The Catcher in the Rye as a teenager. I know his character has been played out, but it was the first and one of the only times where I read a book and thought, holy fuck, this character is actually me. The sensitivity, the naïvety, the mental health issues, the general frustration, the cynicism as means of self-protection, the lashing out to conceal personal weaknesses... Just the instability, insecurity, and unreliability of that character is very familiar to me. I don't think I'll ever relate more to a fictional character. It's funny because I was with a group of people who were talking about book characters sometime last year and one of them said something like, "Holden Caulfield is the most annoying character from a book ever. I really wanted him to just go step in front of a train." And I was silently sitting there like: [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] But then I talked to someone about the character several months after that and they were like, "Not everyone relates to that character, but the people who do really do." And that makes sense to me. In other words, I admire characters that are deeply flawed, but redeemable. A lot of the characters I like seem kind of petulant. Almost all the characters I relate to are from books I read during my childhood. I don't really read books now and notice myself identifying with the characters. I mean, I might admire a character, but I don't really relate myself to what I'm reading at this point. I know who I am at this point and I know I'm not the only person who's like me. I'm kind of over getting told to throw my hands up in the air, so there |
Artist: Portugal. The Man Song: Noise Pollution [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : It’s the Sunday News! Reflect on the first week of July. Are you on track to meet your goals? What are your plans for the rest of the month? The first week of July went about as expected for me.  I have a few different things going on, so let's break those down.Camp NaNo. I decided at the last minute to do Camp NaNo in July. I know I'll be super busy during November this year, but I figured if I got some chapter drafts out now, I'll have something to revise and rewrite in November if I decide I want to do NaNo this year.The one time I completed NaNo was in 2015, and I prepped pretty hard that year. I did the OctoPrep thing here in October and everything. Now I'm totally pantsing it and I'm finding that I might be more of a prepper type than a pantser type. I think there's a sweet spot in between where you prep the characters and storyline to an extent without fully fleshing out every character detail and outline every scene. I'm doing pretty well with it though. My goal is 30,000 words. I'm at 4,549 words right now. According to NaNo stats, I should be at 5,806 words today. I ended up joining a different cabin today though because I completely scrapped the original project I had and it no longer fit in with the theme of my cabin. The new group I'm with is pretty active on Discord though and I did several sprints with them today to get my word count back on track somewhat. As long as I can hit 979 words a day for the rest of the month, I'll hit my 30K goal. And PS, if you wanna be NaNo buddies, here's my profile. 30DBC. Good so far... I think? I've submitted my entries on time every day and I've commented on at least 95% of the blog entries I've read. I tend to comment more on the ones that are posted at night/morning of the due date and time just because in the afternoon and evening, I'm typically pretty busy. I still try to make my rounds as much as I can.The good news is, we're a week in and I typically quit before a week in if I'm going to quit. Other stuff. As expected, my anxiety has been pretty shitty. I'm looking forward to getting my prescription filled in a couple days. I tend to have a lot more trouble regulating my moods when I'm anxious. I have a generally difficult time keeping my temper under control, so I've had a couple frustrating moments this weekend. And by 'frustrating,' I mean I've lashed out a couple times this weekend.I have too many people in my life who get under my skin and it's really difficult for me to be like, no, I'm just not having that conversation right now. I mean, I do say that, but then they manage to get a rise out of me because, I dunno, I guess I'm easy like that. But getting back on my meds is top priority this week, for sure. As for the rest of the month... I'm doing my best to relax and distract myself with things. That's most likely why I jumped into Camp NaNo and 30DBC this month. But I'm definitely mentally feeling the effects of June ("Invalid Entry" for the uninitiated). I'm having a lot of nightmares. When I do fall asleep, I sort of jerk awake in a panic. I don't have time to calm myself down because I'm already panicking when I regain consciousness. This isn't the first time I've dealt with issues like this. I was really hoping that summer would be a calm time for me after so many semesters of the whole school + work combo, but what can you do? For the rest of the month, I think I'm just going to keep writing, drawing, and reading. I'm going to try to sleep and try to stop drinking every time I get down. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Live or die like c'est la vie |
Artist: The National Song: I should live in salt [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Make a list of five things you wish you could be a master of. Be sure to explain why you chose what you did. I love this prompt so much, I could just eat it. And because I'm using every possible excuse to distract myself from my anxiety, I'm ready to dream of all the things I wish I could master. I have a ton of hobbies, so this one is pretty easy for me. You know those people who have ONE thing they're really good at? I'm the opposite. I have a TON of things I kind of suck at all. So, let's see... 1. Drawing. Above everything else, above writing even, I wish I was a master at drawing. You know when you see people sketching their surroundings? I want to be that person! To be fair, I do draw quite a bit and I've gotten much better at it than when I started, but I am by no means a master at it and I couldn't give my drawings away for free. I would straight up have to pay someone to put my drawing on their refrigerator.But... I enjoy it. I sketch during every lecture. Where most people take notes, I absorb information better if I'm listening along and doodling. I learned this at some point in university. I would be so busy trying to keep up with notes that I'd look back at my notes and be like, "WTF is even going on?" I didn't remember the lectures and my notes weren't very helpful. When I'm sketching or doodling, it keeps my ADD brain from running off the rails. I've been in school for years and I've encountered a couple of professors who have an issue with this (95% of them don't care). But I have had a couple say something like, "Oh, am I boring you with my lecture?" It's like, I'm actually listening way better than I would be if I were staring at you and taking notes. Not everyone learns the same way. Once I explain it to them, they seem to get it at least.2. Accounting/Finance. These are my majors, so this makes sense. I'm pretty analytical. My grades are great. But to be a master of these fields? Ohmygod. The job stability and pay... There are so many things within accounting and finance that I'm just like, yeah, I'm never going to 'get' all of this. I feel like the more I learn, the less I know, because I become self-aware of all the potential things to know and how much I, you know, don't know them. 3. Writing. You didn't think it wouldn't make it on the list, right? I wish I was a master of storytelling. I wish I could come up with in-depth characters and storylines that actually made sense when I put pen to paper. In my head? All day. When I actually try to write a novel? Everything unravels. I wish writing came as easily to me as breathing. Especially since I've been in school, I've had an incredibly difficult time writing creatively. If you write academically for years, everything you write starts sounding academic. Even the way I verbally speak has changed over the years. I try to write a poem now and it somehow has mathematical or business terminology that has no place being there. 4. Communication/Linguistics. Oh man, what I would give to be a master of communication. Do you ever have something in your head that you need to convey to another person, and then you open your mouth and everything goes to shit? This happens to me all the time. It's like, I know what I want to say, but then I don't anticipate the other person's reaction well so it just turns into a clusterfuck of miscommunication. If working with others has taught me anything, it's that miscommunication is the bane of human interaction. Someone is saying something to me and I think they're saying something else. I react based on what I think they're saying. They react based on my reaction to the miscommunication. Ad nauseam. I've been in group projects where two different people thought they were doing the same part of the project. I have no idea how that happens, but, bad communication, I guess. Sort of along the same lines, I wish I was a master of linguistics. I wish I fluently spoke 5 or 6 languages. Instead of speak, like, 3/4 of one and 1/4 of another. If I had it my way, I would be fluent in English, Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese, and German. That's the dream team of languages to me. I know quite a bit of Spanish and I know conversational French and Italian, but that's it. Oh, and English. Once I'm done with school, I'll definitely spend some of my free time increasing my fluency in some of those languages. 5. Mood-Emotion Regulation/Emotional Intelligence. Yeah, I clearly don't know how to categorize this one. I basically wish I was better at controlling my mental health. Having Borderline Personality Disorder, my moods really fluctuate. Like, just swing wildly throughout the day. I wish I was one of those people who could just brush things off quickly. I'm totally not. If something pisses me off or upsets me, I quite literally cannot hide it. My moods are written all over my face and body language. My mood swings are so bad that people at school will approach me like, "Hey, Charlie... Are you in an okay mood?  "And I'm like jesus f, I'm really bad at regulating my moods and emotions. It's like they need permission or to know that I'm okay before they come sit down and start talking to me. I'm usually not mean to anyone who isn't me, but if I can say some pretty sarcastic/snappy bullshit before immediately apologizing.I wish I could be a master of emotional intelligence. I wish I could take pause when necessary. I wish I could take criticism, like, at all. I can't take any criticism without getting my feelings hurt or getting pissed off. I get jealous easily. I have a pretty low self-esteem. Just not super great qualities for a person to have.But I do think I have empathy down, which is part of emotional intelligence. Although I have been told (only recently) that I'm not very empathetic. Usually during the middle of midterms or finals where I just have literally no time to muster up empathy as I normally do. I should leave it alone but you're not right I should live in salt for leaving you behind |
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