%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
|
Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Fever Ray Song: When I Grow Up [Embed For Use By Upgraded+]  Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  : What did you dream about doing as an adult when you were little? Have you been able to achieve any of your childhood dreams? Share a fact about your life now that you never imagined would come true. Em with the hard-hitting questions tonight. No chill.  I'll start this by saying that I have not 'grown up' in any way. I still feel the exact same as I did when I was 14 and I pretty much act like it too. Endlessly waiting to feel like I'm in my twenties and getting ever closer to thirty. Slowly starting to realize that no one knows what the fuck they're doing and everyone is lost 90% of the time. When I was young, really young, I wanted to be a writer. Before I even knew how to spell or read, I would scribble on paper, not actually forming any words, but I would verbally or mentally write a story and do the physical process of writing something down. As soon as I learned English well enough to form written sentences, I was writing stories. I wanted to be a journalist. I wanted to travel (probably because I lived in the middle of nowhere) and I wanted to write news stories about the places I went and people I met. And I stuck with that for years. If I'd been asked what I wanted to be when I grew up from ages 7-11, my response was always "a journalist." Of course, I didn't understand then that news journalism is a super shady, manipulative, and competitive business endeavor. I thought that you just went to the beach and wrote about it.  Or someone saved a cat from a tree and you reported on it.  At around 11 years old or so, I got really into psychology. I wanted to understand myself and I wanted to grow up and help people who were like me. So then it became "psychologist." I wanted to be a child psychologist and I stuck with that for a few years. I read abnormal psychology books. I researched things I'd been diagnosed with and I was really into the science and brain mechanics of the whole thing. But, honestly, from around 14 years old onward, I had no goals or aspirations. When someone asked me what I wanted to do after school or what I wanted to do as an adult, I'd be like, "What are you talking about? I'm not going to be an adult." I'm not going to reach the age of 18. I'm not going to graduate. There isn't going to be any "after childhood" portion to my life. I was completely devoted and committed to that ideology. I wasn't sad and I didn't care. It was just kind of the natural course of things. I left school, I got kicked out of my parents' house, I bounced around from place to place. No rules, no curfew, no one watching out for me, no one guiding me. It was a predestined trajectory in my mind. So, the one thing that young me would have never imagined? Easy - being here now. Being 1 semester away from graduating college. Graduating with a degree in accounting and finance. (Randomly doing a bunch of math and stats??) Being married, definitely. Having anything resembling a relationship with my parents. Living where I live. Finding my way back to writing. Pretty much everything about my current day-to-day life was unfathomable to me 10 years ago. Being surrounded by people who are successful and motivated in life. Having the confidence to make decisions for myself instead of waiting for someone to show up and make them for me. Just knowing and doing things I never thought I could know or do. I never could have imagined that I'd have the ability to roll with the punches so hard. To be told no and pushed down so many times and be able to bounce back like, "Nope, fuck you, still here" is shocking given how fragile I was as a child. I mean, I still am fragile as fuck. But with a twist of "not today, bitch!"  On the seventh day I rest For a minute or two Then back on my feet to call for you |
Artist: La Dispute Song: Damaged Goods [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about independence. Independence is so many things. Em wasn't kidding about all the directions you can take it in. The first thing that came to my mind was the independence of health. There is nothing more freeing than being mentally and physically healthy, and I don't think anyone can convince me otherwise. That being said, I'm not having a super awesome time.  I'm out of my anxiety medication, which typically isn't a big deal. I have it set to auto-refill every 30 days. But every 3 or 6 months, the refill requires authorization from the prescriber for the pharmacy to fill the script. Apparently, this is the month that needs to be done. But, because the 4th of July is tomorrow, the doctor's office that prescribed the medication is closed until Monday. The pharmacy said they can't refill it without that authorization. They said I can try another doctor's office if I have another provider I can call. No one is going to fill a script for benzos who hasn't seen you in their office before, but I tried my primary care doctor. Of course, he doesn't prescribe benzos because "benzos are bad" and asked if I'm taking my SSRI as prescribed. So, basically... I'm not going to have my anxiety meds until Tuesday at the earliest because even after the medication is authorized to be filled, the pharmacy usually takes at least 24 hours to fill it. If you have panic attacks like I do, you know that going several days without your meds is terrible. I woke up with really bad anxiety this morning before I even knew this situation was happening. I took my last pill and then checked my account with the pharmacy to see if my meds were ready for pick up, and yeah, no. It's difficult to go from the independence of being able to calm a panic attack down within 15 or 20 minutes to just having to figure it out myself. I don't have good coping skills. When something like this comes up, I'm like, sooo... do I just drink for the next 5 days or what? Whatever the 'healthy' solution is in this scenario, I don't see it. As far as America's independence goes, well, I'm a bit of a killjoy there. I don't like celebrations that impede on others' ability to, ya know, not celebrate. I think you should have a choice about whether you want to participate in something or not. And I think fireworks prevent people from having that option. They're obnoxiously loud. Even in my area where they're banned without a permit, it doesn't matter. So many places obtain permits that fireworks are going off intermittently from the end of June until at least mid-July. Also, no one cares at all about enforcing firework laws. I have people shooting them off right outside of my building right now. At one place I lived, someone did call the cops because people were doing fireworks in the parking lot by people's cars. The police eventually came and told the people to stop and then 3 minutes after the police left, they just continued shooting off fireworks in the parking lot. I understand that fireworks are relatively harmless, but for people who have PTSD or anxiety disorders, it's more than a minor annoyance. If it was limited to July 4th, that would be chill. But it's totally not. I'd finally managed to fall asleep a couple nights ago when a string of black cat fireworks went off outside. That's scary af, especially when you live in the middle of one of the most violent cities in the country. It was, like, 2 or 3 in the morning and I didn't end up falling back asleep until daylight because I woke up so panicked that I couldn't get back into sleep mode for hours. I think it's especially bad this year because I didn't have a spectacular June and I've been struggling with my anxiety a lot. Of course, I understand that the world doesn't revolve around me. I don't think that no one should be able to celebrate with fireworks for the 4th. I just think that it should be contained to one night from X to Y time so that it's expected. That should be plenty of time to celebrate our country's independence. Also, I don't know how much we really have to celebrate now as a country. (Yes, I'm entering another rant.) I mean, the United States is undoubtedly a great country, but we're supposed to be celebrating how awesome we are while having children in cages at the southern border? I mean this is sincerely horrifying stuff and we're supposed to just turn the other way and make big 'boom' noises while patting ourselves on the back?That doesn't even begin to touch on the epic wealth inequality and our pisspoor healthcare system. Oh, and did someone say crippling student loan debt?  Are we really as independent as we're led to believe? Most other countries have similar or worse problems, but at least they fucking own it.That's my hot take. There is a lot to love about the U.S. but I'm far from wanting to throw a party for it at this point. There are so many problems that vitally need attention. In fact, I stopped listing things because I was bumming myself out more. I know I'm being overly negative. People should celebrate the holiday because that's the only reprieve they get from spinning their wheels at their paycheck-to-paycheck jobs.  Okay, I really am done now. Now at the end of every day I lie awake at night and wait To feel the wires of my brain Get cut and quietly rearranged |
Artist: The Strokes Song: Hard to Explain [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What is your go-to dish to bring to a potluck? Does your family have any traditional recipes? Me trying to do a food prompt  [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] I'm not a baker or a cook in any way. Luckily, my family has a lot of people who love to cook for family get togethers, so I don't really need to make anything. I've never been to a legit "potluck" either. That's where everyone's supposed to bring a dish, right? I'm trying to think of any situation I've been in that has had a potluck style meal. Sounds like something that would happen for a church event when I was a kid, and of course, I didn't cook then either.  We all know that I'm a picky eater (if you've blogged with me before), so I won't beat that point to death. Suffice to say that I'm not hard-pressed to eat at a potluck to begin with. If I'm going to a birthday or holiday party where people are bringing food, I'll usually bring a bottle or two of wine.  I mostly do it for selfish reasons. Hey, gotta make sure there's some alcohol there, right? But also it's just a nice 'guest' thing to do.I'm going to get off track to rant for just a second, but... I absolutely loathe these social niceties. Like, oh gee, you invited me to a birthday party so I've already got a birthday card and gift for someone, but I also need to show up bearing gifts for the party host because of reasons. I especially loathe being on the receiving end of these social niceties. I've had to tell people, hey, you don't need to bring homemade cookies or a small trinket-like gift to my house just because I invited you over for an evening. Like, not only do I not want them, but I don't want to feel guilty when I inevitably throw the shit away. For example, Kira invited her friend and her friend's husband over to watch the season finale of this show that we all like. We were just ordering takeout and we let them know ahead of time that they didn't need to bring anything with them. But, of course... She made a whole-ass pineapple upside down cake and he brought this handmade decorative container for wine corks.Like, what the fuck? It's a nice gesture and all, but what am I supposed to do with this large, clunky wire container? We live in a tiny place with hardly any counter space. Of course we accepted the gifts graciously, but I felt pretty terrible being like, "Uh, okay, so, dumpster this?" a few days later. I even asked a couple other people (who were not mutual friends of the couple) if they wanted it and they said no thanks.  Anyway. The point is, I've never been to a legit potluck as an adult.  Yes, that was totally the point.Some of my family members have 'signature' things they make when we get together though. My sister-in-law loves to cook so she brings homemade macaroni and cheese and some kind of dessert with her every time she leaves the house. My grandfather likes to make brownies. A few of my family members are really into making homemade pastas and bread. I've heard of workplaces having potlucks before. I would be totally screwed. I think I'd go to the store, buy a container of macaroni salad, dump it into a plastic food storage container and then just bring it in. Does that work or is it totally obvious? I say the right thing but act the wrong way I like it right here, but I cannot stay |
Artist: a-ha Song: Take On Me [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about something mysterious. Is the mystery ongoing, or has it been resolved? The first day of the month didn't really go as expected. Does it ever? I spent most of the day working when I was only supposed to have a quick meeting in the morning.  I still managed hit the word count for the first day of Camp NaNo, but I was undoubtedly struggling. It doesn't help that I didn't prep at all so I had, like, 12 false starts.I have a mystery for you. I find it pretty mysterious how many books I start reading vs. how many books I actually finish. And, like, 90% of the time it's not even because the books aren't good. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I'll specifically not finish a book because I don't want it to be over. I get overly emotionally involved in the characters. Me, overemotional? No way, right? Some writers are just so good at creating characters that they're like your friends by the end of the book. As I start running out of pages to read, I get legitimately anxious. It sounds silly, but I've actually stopped reading books 75% of the way through and gone back to the beginning to reread from the first page. It's especially bad with a standalone book. Obviously if it's a series, you don't get that feeling until the last book in the series. But a really good standalone book? How are you supposed to give up the characters after only 250 pages? This is obviously an ongoing mystery. I've mentioned this to people before and they usually laugh. People will agree with me about putting off finishing a really good book, but I've yet to meet other people who straight up just don't finish them. I have a ton of books that I've done this with. I'm just not ready for it to be over, so... nope. I think this says more about my avoidant personality than anything else. Anyone got the psychology on this phenomenon?  For a more traditional solved mystery... I was in Texas about an hour and a half from where this case happened, so I vaguely remember hearing about it. Here's an article if you don't want to sit through my bad retelling.But, basically, this guy checked into a hotel in Beaumont, TX in 2010. He was in his 50s and had a really bad diet along with being a lifelong smoker, so when his body was found in his hotel room, it was assumed that he had died of a heart attack. They did an autopsy to confirm the death was from natural causes but it was not a heart attack at all. The medical examiner "found that the body suffered severe internal damage, with broken ribs, lacerations to the liver and scrotum, and a hole in the heart." What I remember being really fucking weird about this case was that there was no external damage that would indicate a fight or the man getting beaten or anything. His hotel room wasn't trashed. He didn't have the external markings to indicate all of this internal damage. So it was pretty 'what the fuck' worthy. Like, how does someone get all of this internal damage without having external damage? But, this case got solved, which is great both for the family and the people who were totally baffled by what could have happened. It turns out this guy was laying in his hotel bed watching a movie and the guys in the room next to him were playing around with a gun and it went off. The bullet went through the wall, hit the guy in the scrotum, hit a main artery, and he bled to death internally. When the people in the next room realized the bullet had gone through the wall, they covered the hole up with toothpaste and just went down to the bar for a drink. They realized the following day that this guy in the room next to them had died, but the person who shot the gun claims that he believed the guy dying and the gun accidentally going off were unrelated incidents. The case was eventually solved and he received a trial where he was sentenced to 10 years in prison. It was such a freak incident that I still think about it occasionally. It's one of those mysteries that creeps me out even after it's solved. So needless to say I'm odds and ends But I'll be stumbling away Slowly learning that life is ok |
Artist: Mac DeMarco Song: Salad Days [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : It’s summer here in the US, the perfect season for a road trip! In your blog today, plan your ideal road trip. Where would you go and who would you go with? Alright, new month. Totally washing my hands of June. I'm feeling pretty good about July. I'm throwing myself back into writing because this is the only month of 2019 that I won't be getting rammed by both school and work simultaneously. Not only am I going to try to actually complete "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" this month, I'm also doing Camp NaNo. Here's my NaNoWriMo link if you'd like to be buddies there. I think it's best to just keep moving forward. It's too easy to sink if you don't keep kicking. I'm keeping myself as busy as possible, which is harder than it sounds during a break from school. I've been doing a lot of reading and napping. Anyway, good to be back with the 30DBC bloggers. I'm looking forward to blogging with everyone this month (and hopefully finishing).  So, traveling... I’ve never been much into travel, but I think I’m shifting opinions on that. I don’t really want to travel within the United States. Like, I’ve already done that. I’ve at least driven through most of the states. We have some really amazing things to see here. Once I saw them though, my attraction to traveling definitely dwindled. I don’t want to see the same sights 30 times and traveling can be a bit of a hassle. I’ve started developing a stronger interest in international travel recently. My in-laws have offered to take me to Italy for my graduation from university. They travel there several times a year. And, if you know me at all, you’ll find it as humorous as I do that my ultra-conservative in-laws absolutely adore me. I guess I’m good at hiding everything about myself for a few days every couple years. They think that I’m the sweetest, most pure person possible and I have literally no idea how they came to that conclusion. Apparently Kira’s exes were like nightmare fuel for them so I just made a good first impression by comparison. I was super respectful when I met them (as I always am) and we hit it off immediately.Anyway, my problem with travel is that I don’t want to see the normal tourist attractions. They're crowded, loud, and expensive. I don’t feel like you truly experience a place by staying in tourist areas. Luckily, my in-laws very much so agree with me on this. They stay at local bed and breakfasts or home shares on their trips. They see the major tourist things like once and then they never go to them again. If I were to travel abroad, that’s pretty much exactly what I’d want to do. I really like the idea of just taking in the culture and hanging out with locals, eating local foods, etc... I’ve also recently met someone, a friend of a friend, I guess is the best way to describe him. And he’s from northern Spain so I’ve seen all these pictures and gotten all these descriptions of Spain and other places he has traveled and lived. I think it would be really cool to visit a country alongside a native of that country. They already know everything you need to see, where to go, what to do. Not to mention they know the native tongue. My Spanish isn’t too bad. I could definitely communicate my needs in a Spanish-speaking country, but I’m not fluent. I also learned Latin American Spanish, which is the same language but also different. I think it would be difficult to visit a country without knowing the native language at all. Luckily, most countries have a lot of English speakers at this point. From what I’ve heard, it’s not difficult to find someone who speaks English in most places. As far as specific locations, I do have a few in mind. I most want to visit northern Italy, specifically the Dolomites . I also want to visit Portofino, Italy  , which I’ve heard is amazing. In Spain, I’ve been told that the Guggenheim museum in Bilbao is an absolute must-see. I’ve also been told that if I were to ever go to Spain, I must go to La Cerdanya .But something tells me that “someone” might be a little biased. The point is that if I'd been asked this question a couple months ago, I would have said I wasn't interested in traveling. When really, I think I would be interested in traveling to the right places with the right travel partners. I don't want a right travel schedule and things that need to be done on specific days. No itinerary bullshit. But at my own pace in less touristy areas? Sure, maybe. I think the turning point for me was seeing pictures of my in-laws' trip to Italy right after if finished finals week. I was just like, yep, I could go here for a month and just lay around. I don't even want to visit anything in particular. I just want to go to a small, empty-ish area with a nice view and sleep on and off for the next 6 weeks. Oh mama, actin’ like my life’s already over Oh dear, act your age and try another year |
Artist: Sigur Rós Song: I Gaer [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "Blogging Circle of Friends " : Is there a difference between your personal memories and your history as others know it, and what intrigues you most about how other people recall the past? Right now, I want to find the most "normal" thing to do and I want to just do that thing. If you've read my last entry, "Invalid Entry" , that will make total sense. I'm away from home for the next 5 days starting today and I'm desperately trying to do a hard reset if that's at all possible. I haven't written for a Blog City prompt in forever and that's something normal I did at one time, so, here we go.You know when you see a photograph of yourself as a kid and you almost form a memory around it? Like, oh yes, I remember this day with the dinosaur shirt when you're really just remembering a picture you've seen of that day? I think memories work like that a lot. I haven't really researched memory very much, so this isn't a scientifically-based response at all, but I think the past is so easy to alter. When my brothers and I talk about our childhood, we each remember different parts of it. Overwhelmingly, we remember the same state of existence. We remember the same general atmosphere of our childhood home. But all of us remember different specific incidents that happened. My brother will say something and I don't remember what he's talking about at all. Then he'll describe it in greater detail and I'm like, okay, maybe I do remember that. Then the next time he brings up that event, I already have the base memory that he gave to me during the previous conversation on the topic. Instead of waiting for him to explain the situation, I can fill in the blanks as though it's my memory. Especially if you're someone who has dealt with gaslighting, memory is a tricky thing. When you have people who are willing to dodge blame by saying, "Oh that didn't happen." Or, "That didn't happen how you think it did." You start to question your ability to trust your own memories. I think about that often. Did that happen like I think it did, or did my memory somehow get skewed? There's always going to be a disconnect between personal memories and the way others know your history. No one is inside your head experiencing your memories. Even if they were there at the time, they're never going to be able to remember things from your perspective because they never had your perspective to begin with. As far as other people's past though, I really like knowing the mundane details. I don't want to know about the big picture major events in someone's life. It's not as interesting to me as the day-to-day. When I was a kid, my grandparents talked about their lives together in Chicago. I wanted the details of their apartment floor plan. And I'd ask questions like, "Where were the windows? What could you see out of the window? What stores were around? Did you like to walk anywhere? What were your favorite restaurants? How much was rent? Was it furnished?" I remember having the exact conversation above with my grandparents. I loved to watch and listen to them reminisce on their life together 40 years before. I didn't particular care about my mother's birth story or their wedding story or a vacation they took. Not that I wouldn't listen to that, but I tried to steer them in the direction of more unremarkable things. Because all of those unremarkable things make up the remarkable history of a person. It isn't the big events that occur once in a lifetime, it's all the things in between. Looking back, I think this is what got me into journal writing at such a young age. I remember going to a museum and reading these very old journals from people just describing their day of making dinner or washing clothes or hunting or whatever. I thought it was so cool to have an account of that history because it's so much more important than those one-time things that are remembered whether they're written or not. Plus, collecting those details is a great way to preserve your own memory. Did that happen the way I think it did? Oh yeah, I have a written account from that day right here to reference. Can't argue with that. |
Artist: Sufjan Stevens Song: Eugene [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] It's like something that happened to someone else. I'm sitting on his bed with only a towel around my waist when he starts laying into me about how I just want to go. Always ready to just leave. It's hard to fight against someone who is twice your body weight. All they have to do is throw their weight on top of you. No matter how hard you struggle beneath it, it's impossible to slip out. The second you start to get free, they just shift their weight to block you again. He says he's not trying to hurt me. Just stop fighting. Okay, I'll stop fighting. I'll stop fighting. Just let me go home and then I'll come back later. I'll come back tomorrow, I swear. You're not going anywhere. 10 minutes later, he's asking if I want to order takeout. Have you seen Saving Private Ryan? It's a great movie, you have to see it. It's really long, but it's so worth it. Hey, give me your watch. I'm on the couch watching him pace back and forth with my phone. Who is Leo? It's a guy from school. A guy from school? Yeah, it's just some guy in my class. How long have you known him? I don't respond and stare at the wall as he scrolls through the conversation. Wow, you seem really fond of Leo. It's just some guy from school. I barely know him. It doesn't seem like you barely know him. I barely know him. I stare at his movie collection while he erratically thumbs out a message. What are you saying? Nothing. Don't talk to people on my phone, like, let's just chill. Who are you even talking to? Are you worried about what I'll say to Leo? Like I said, I hardly even know him. He's a random person in my class. That's great. You treat a random person in your class better than me. He puts my phone back in his pocket. Chinese? Indian? What do you think? Anything but pizza. I'm trying to stay away from greasy stuff. I think I should go home now. I'd kill for some chicken tikka masala right now. I'm expected home so I should just get going now. He starts getting agitated again and walks over to the front door, blocking it with his body. You're not, okay? You're not going. You always want to just go but you're not going right now. I should take a shower then. I should do anything to get out of this room with him. He asks if I want vegetable curry and then tells me I can use one of the towels below the bathroom sink. Standing under the steady stream of the shower head, I'm not even thinking of a game plan. I'm not thinking of how to get out of the situation. Instead, I'm downplaying it to myself. Like, it's not that big of a deal. I'm sure I'll be able to sneak out later or someone will notice I'm gone and figure out where I am. He hasn't really threatened me. I shouldn't overreact. Instead of plotting an escape, I'm debating whether or not I even care. My arm hurts when I try to raise it over my head. I look down to see my collarbone swelling and an ugly shade of dark red. I just use my other hand to wash my hair. There's no real fear. Just taking a shower like normal. I might as well have been humming. I stay in the shower until the water moves from hot to lukewarm to cold. There's a knock on the door. Food's here. I step out and towel off with a clean towel from under the bathroom sink. All very natural, like staying in a guest's house. I pause in front of the mirror, but don't dare look up. When I step out of the bathroom, he's right there. Sit down over here. I'll bring you your food. The flatscreen is playing a DVD menu with dramatic, dark music and flashing scenes like a thunderstorm and marching soldiers. A war movie is the last thing I want to see right now. I should have said I'd already seen it, but I figured he'd then drill me on the movie's contents and become infuriated when it was revealed that I'd not actually seen it. I can even hear it now, Why are you such a liar? Why do you always lie? I can't stand the smell of Indian food. He brings me a plate of orange mush. I immediately start picking at the recognizable vegetables with a fork because I know he's going to get worked up if I don't eat. The opening scene is loud. Crashing waves, screaming, vomiting, praying, bombs, and gunshots everywhere. I start to ask if we can watch something less violent but he hushes me the second I make a noise and tells me to pay attention. It's really a good movie. I eat more of my curry than expected given the circumstances. I start nodding off during a dialogue-heavy scene in a dark bunker or something. I wake to snapping fingers in front of my face. How are you sleeping right now? Are you seriously bored? I tell him that I'm really tired from school. It's definitely time for me to go home now. I apologize like, sorry, but I need to go home and go to sleep now. He immediately tenses and bolts upright turning toward me. You can sleep here. No, I really can't. I have to go. Kira will start to worry if I don't get home soon. He unleashes a flurry of insults at me. You really think she cares? She wouldn't even notice you being gone. She doesn't care about you. I tell him that, either way, I have a lot of work to do and I need to go. I stand up and he stands up quickly in front of me. I feel anger coursing my veins. I know that I can't control my temper much longer. I tell him that I really am going home now. I take a step back and he grabs both of my arms above my elbows. He tries to force me back down. Just sit! I tell him no and fight against his grip. He tries to wrestle me down to the couch, and I drop to the ground trying to use my legs as leverage to push myself backward away from him. He puts all of his weight on both of my legs and I'm writhing underneath, my knees crushing together. For the first time that day, I feel actual panic clenching my chest, settling in the center of me like a heavy anchor. I'm screaming that he's hurting me. "My legs, get off of me." I try to kick him away but he only bears down harder. Stop making me hurt you! Why do you always do this? Stop fighting! I exhale and it feels like all of the oxygen is escaping my body in one breath. I feel lightheaded like walking into an air conditioned building after running outside on a hot day. He moves his weight off my legs, but keeps his grip on my arms. He pleads with me to just stop fighting. I would never hurt you intentionally. Please just come sit down. I don't want to fight with you. I nod in response. When he lets go of me, I feel like I can feel my pulse everywhere. In my ears, my neck, my chest, my stomach. He moves behind the couch and lingers around the front door as I pull myself back onto the couch, laying across all three seat cushions. He walks over and makes some lighthearted joke about taking all the space. He scoots in under my legs and starts massaging them. I wince at a specific spot and he fingers jump back to it. We're silent for a long time. Are you okay? I tell him I'm fine. I just really need to sleep now. He agrees that I look tired. You should rest. Here, come lay in bed. I agree to, but I have every intention of pretending to sleep and then sneaking out when he falls asleep. But that isn't how things unfold. It's like something that happened to a different person. I keep thinking, like, oh well, it just happened. Like any other thing that just happens. Like twisting your ankle on the stairs or having a car accident. Some things just happen and there's no point in analyzing why they happen or how they happened or what could have been done to prevent them from happening. There's no point in saying, "Well, if only I'd left five minutes earlier. If only I'd stayed home to study. If only..." It's just this thing that happened like any other thing that happens. Since I was old enough to speak, I've said it with alarm Some part of me was lost in your sleeve |
Artist: Sufjan Stevens Song: Should Have Known Better [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Life is full of contingencies no one ever bothered to tell me. Yes, you can have this, so long as... Contingent upon meeting an impossible laundry list of conditions that you were never, ever, ever intended to meet. I've never had more trouble communicating. Not when I lost a year (or so) to concealing my weakest spots. Not when I woke to "Last Gas 130 Miles" road signs. Not when I was huddled beneath a too-big Carhartt coat that reminded me of chewing tobacco and half-finished construction projects. "Next spring, for sure." Not when anyone had me by the throat, fully clenched, and conceiving new ways to reemerge. From the ashes and all that... There was always a kindred soul. Someone who had fucked up like me. Someone who rode the train just for the warmth. Read the synopsis on the backs of books they couldn't afford. Drank until 4 in the morning, because, why not? Of course it's not too late to start Footloose for the 40th time. Of course we can lay on the hood of my car while I ramble about astronomy. Of course I'll guide your hand to point at each star and constellation I see. Of course. Of course. Of course. I wore everyone out like I knew I would. Not just me, of course. Life wears people 95% thin and I can take over from there. Communicating with people now is like when I was 11 trying to explain to my parents that my brain wasn't functioning properly. "I see. Yes, uh huh. I understand. Okay. Right. Well, you know, yeah. That's a shame. Uh-huh, yep. That's too bad. Oh, hmmm. Mhm." Or worse, "That's just how Charlie is." That's just how things are for you. That's just you. That's so very, unflinchingly YOU. Or worse yet, That's your fault. There's nothing more bleak than just being a terrible way. That reads like, "Stop attempting to self-correct." Just be wholly you. But also, don't actually speak about it. That reads like, "Just be quiet." What I don't know can't hurt me >>>>> What I don't give a fuck about can't hurt me I've tried to be radically quiet. Every time I rant about something, I'm self-aware enough (for better or worse) to read disinterest. I take that dismissal as a demerit. It's time to be quiet now, Charlie. I just thought you should know. I just thought you wanted to know. I just wanted you to know. In an attempt to be radically quiet, I've actively tried to be less vampiric. Which means I've tried to completely build a wall around myself. Brick-by-brick. I feel like a pinball bouncing off the bumpers. "Oh, that didn't go well." Brick "That person has no interest in this topic." Brick "They don't want to hear about that." Brick "This is an inconvenience." Brick No matter what I say. No matter how I try to connect. "This situation is dangerous. I'm afraid of this person. This person is actively abusing me and I'm kind of scared." Well, you know, yeah. Hmm, yeah. I see. Ha, yeah. Right, mhm. Don't put yourself in that position then. You always do that. I might as well be saying, "The house is a bit drafty with the strong winds off the lake." I'm not asking for a solution. Sometimes I just need a safe space to say, "The injustice! How unfair." I know it's my fault. I know I attract certain types of people. I know I have a disordered personality and I don't react to things appropriately. I know all about toxicity. I don't want to excuse my role in anything bad about my situation. I don't even find myself to be undeserving of it. I don't think I'm worthy of defense. I just want to breathe deeply on occasion and say, "Wow, this feels fucked up." I never wanted to be that person who's like, listen, just listen to me. It's gross. I've always tried to mutually support others. Whether I've been selfish in that area, whether I've done a poor job, I don't know. But I've always made an attempt to say, "Wow, I agree with you. That's fucked up." Even just for the sake of camaraderie. Even when I don't understand. I'm not really sure what's going on in this situation. I've never experienced this before, but you have someone in your corner, okay? I'll always listen, with an open heart, to anyone. If ever you find yourself without a soul on your side, I will always set aside what I'm doing and take a minute to draw that line so that you know you're not alone. Even if I don't know who you are. Even if we've never spoken a word to each other. It's so important for people to just feel justified and feel valid. It's important to feel like you matter. I've walled myself off so much at this point, I can't imagine even attempting to open up to another human being. I can't bear the inevitable indifference. And that's if another person can even be openminded enough to not cut me off. "You shouldn't do that. Just don't be doing that. Just don't do that. Just don't. Don't." Even though I've fairly thoroughly exhausted my resources, the way only I can do, I feel like I'm oversharing anytime I actually take someone up on the offer to listen to me. I end up feeling embarrassed and like I matter even less when it's like, "Whoa, um, wow... okay." It's like if you really wanted to share a book with someone, but could only give them chapters 12-18. I don't know of a word in existence that can adequately describe the frustration of fully agreeing with another person's handling of you and still feeling in want need of something more from them. It has left me feeling robotic and disconnected in ways I never knew possible. Even saying this now, I already feel telepathic. "Ah, that's just Charlie. Charlie's just being Charlie. He's just emotional. He's always like this." Maybe I'm being pessimistic. So, in the best case scenario, "I wish I could help, but I don't know how." Wherever you fall, I completely agree with you. I should have known better Nothing can be changed The past is still the past The bridge to nowhere I should have wrote a letter Explaining what I feel, that empty feeling |
Artist: The Cure Song: Kyoto Song [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about your ideal weekend. I'm sadly not going to make it through the end of the month so I'll check out now. Good luck to everyone who's still in it and thanks to Emily  and Sum1  for the fun! I appreciate you guys. A nightmare of you of death in the pool Wakes me up at quarter to three I'm lying on the floor of the night before With a stranger lying next to me |
Artist: The Strokes Song: Heart in a Cage [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write a poem or stream of consciousness entry about something you do every day. Most of my mornings start with some version of "I can't." I can't balance this spreadsheet and study for this exam and grade these papers and work. I can't do everything that needs to be done today. It takes anywhere from .5 seconds to 5 hours for me to move passed this part of the day. Some days are more difficult than others. I've been in a funk for the past week or so. I was feeling so productive before that, handling all my work and writing and all that. Now, not so much. Realistically, when I wake up each morning, I have about 10-12 hours of work to do that day between jobs and school. And then I have my WDC responsibilities and commitments which are around 2 hours a day, I'd say. It seems excessive to me because I only have one group here and I only commit myself to one challenge a month, if any. But answering emails, calculating things, crediting things, typing them up so they're publicly accessible, sending emails... It adds up, like, crazy fast. The biggest thing is just getting myself started. Let's take today for example, I spent probably an hour and 15 minutes crediting all the reviews from last week, typing them all up on the group page, rolling virtual dice, rewarding everything, answering emails, and adding new items for review. I've spent probably 20 minutes writing this entry in between doing other things. After I post this, I'll read other entries and comment on those. So, yeah, easily 2 hours today on WDC stuff. On top of that though, I've worked 4 hours gathering data for the classes where I'm a teaching assistant. I need this done Monday and probably have about 6-8 more hours I need to give that before Monday. I'm also going out in a little bit to work more so I'll probably work for 4 or 6 hours today with my other work. I have a couple assignments due tomorrow and I'll need, say, 2 hours to do those. That will probably take more time too, but let's just say 2 hours. If I get done with work in time, I'll finish those assignments tonight so that I'm not rushing to do them tomorrow. Add it all up and that's a minimum of 12 hours today. So yeah, I have trouble getting up. Because I do this 7 days a week and have for years. I'm looking forward to graduating and getting a full-time job. Even working 60 hours a week, I'd be working less than I am now between my jobs and school. I just remind myself that this shit is important. I have to pay my bills, so that part of my life is non-negotiable. I'm graduating at the end of the year, so there's no point in giving up now. And WDC stuff is important because I want to stay plugged into the community as much as I can. It's nothing compared to 2015 when I had a ton of free time to participate in everything and write a bunch, but it would make me sad to completely disconnect for months while I finish school. Plus, to be honest, if I disconnected now, I probably wouldn't reconnect. I mean, out of sight out of mind, right? I very seriously doubt that if I spent the next 7 months working and finishing school that I'd graduate from college and jump back into WDC. When you're not here a lot, you are also out of sight out of mind. You can very easily slip away from the site without people really noticing that you're gone. Because of that, you're not going to really have the pull to come back if you're gone for a year. So yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about. But I do know that I wake up most mornings going, "Oh no." My brain is totally fried. I can't keep track of basic conversation and spend most of the time saying, "What? What was that? What was I going to say? What were we talking about?" If it weren't for my journal, I wouldn't be able to tell you a single thing that happened last week. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The burnout is real, clearly. But, I did get a couple gifts today that made me smile. I woke up to a merit badge from my old friend, ♥Hooves♥  :![Merit Badge in Congratulations
[Click For More Info]
Congratulations, you have created a positive reviewing ( and other ways too) movement of hope for others with inspiration, kindness and great ideas! The sky is the limit for your goals, my friend, as kindness will always (eventually in the long run, if not in the sprints) win the day. Let the sun shine in.*^*Hearty*^**^*Sun*^**^*Tulipy*^**^*Hearty*^*An old Hippy Flowerchild wannabe, named HOOves *^*Hearty*^**^*Cow*^**^*Tulipy*^**^*Cow*^* on the 50th Anniversary year of Woodstock, no less!](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/Kudos-Congratulations-2500.gif) So that made my morning a little brighter. And then my blog has been graced with an awardicon, so, that's pretty awesome. Thanks, ~Minja~  , for always listening...  Well, I don't feel better when I'm fucking around And I don't write better when I'm stuck in the ground |
Artist: Oasis Song: Live Forever [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : A lot of medical research today focuses on developing cures to ageing. Presumably, with the right breakthrough, humans could live forever. How do you feel about this? Write an entry describing the advantages and disadvantages of extremely long life using facts and opinions to support your answer. Someone who's older than me is gonna nail this prompt. I think the obvious question here is in what state would we be living forever? I mean, it's not like you can live forever as a 25 year old. Best case scenario, you're just gonna be prolonging your death for an extended period of time. I've seen older relatives being kept alive through loads of medications, doctors visits, etc... The question isn't whether or not you want to live a long, healthy life. It's more like, do you want medicine to be able to keep you alive for a longer period of time than it currently can? Maybe I'm wrong. What the fuck do I know about life? I know that older people seem to be more at peace with themselves than I am in my twenties. I know they tend to be wiser, calmer, and better at handling life in general. I do think a long life is advantageous in some ways. Having the confidence and grace that only comes with age stands out. With technology, people can continue to write through text-to-speak until their last breath, really. I would venture to guess that growing old has a lot to do with contentment. Finding things that bring you peace and eliminating the things that don't seems important. I do listen to people. When someone tells me, "When I was your age X... and then I learned Y" I take that shit to heart. It's not so much about settling as it is about allowing yourself to accept certain things. That's what I've gathered, anyway. The disadvantages are clear. I mean, if we want to get analytical, government healthcare spending in the US is already far higher than other countries with a similar life expectancy. We'd have to put serious work into fixing our healthcare system to even be able to maintain an average life expectancy that's much longer than it currently is. Although, we need to fix our healthcare system anyway, so there's that.Here's a really great article on overpopulation. The gist of the article is that overpopulation isn't a problem so much as age distribution in a population is a problem. Basically, the share of working-age people in the population is shrinking. Working-age people are the ones who produce goods, pay taxes, and support those who are non-working age. If that population within the overall population shrinks too much, it would clearly cause a strain.I'm not saying that elderly people are a burden though. They have a lot to offer. But, certain things are needed to even support those people, and with shrinking resources to support them, well... yeah, you get a problem. But maybe I'm cynical. Maybe biomedicine and technological advances will allow people to work later and later in life. I mean, we kind of already have to, right? Maybe increases in healthy lifestyles will allow people to be naturally healthier longer. Maybe biomedicine will just be so good that people will be 110 and spry as fuck.Then we'll be like, "Yo, granny, get back on the assembly line. No one cares that you're 170 years old." Maybe I will never be All the things that I want to be But now is not the time to cry Now's the time to find out why |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Waste of Paint [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Congratulations on making it halfway through the challenge! Today, we’ll do something a little different. Instead of writing an entry of your own, take the time to show some love to your fellow 30DBC challengers! Write thoughtful comments on at least five different blogs from this month’s competition. Then, post the links to the entries you commented on in your own blog and share one thing you learned. Have fun! My mood has been pretty off today. Even for me. I'm feeling totally listless. I've gotten nothing done. It's just one of those days where I, like, stare at a wall forever.But this prompt made me smile.  Thanks, Em. This gave me the chance to catch up on some entries I've missed during the month. I thought I'd have a lot more time to read things than I've actually had, but I'm still trying to read/comment on at least 3-5 entries a day. If I haven't hit yours much, it's probably just because you post your entries at a time when I'm not reading them. Let me just add in... Liking/Commenting on people's entries is so important. This isn't a social media "look how much interaction I can get!" kind of thing. It's about building a sense of community. I say this in the most respectful way possible, but... there's no point in responding to the daily prompt as though you're being interviewed by a pesky news reporter and then going on your way to something else. Or maybe I should say there's no point in me doing that. I would get nothing out of blogging if I did that. That's why when I see myself stretched too thin, I'll hop out of a blogging challenge completely because if I don't have time to interact with anyone else, what's the point? To be honest, I've commented on a lot of entries this month so it might be difficult to find new entries to comment on for this prompt. But, I've been busy and pretty worthless the past week so I'm sure I can find some. Anyway, five bloggers and their entries... Well, I've really enjoyed Kåre Enga in Montana  's blog this month. We don't really know each other, but her entries are always very poetically written and poignant. Here's one of her entries so you can see for yourself: "2019年5月15日: Blow-me-away blog" I always love reading Robert Waltz  's blog. I learned a lot in his entry for the "mindblowing" prompt: "It's About Time" . I think I've commented on all of his entries so far this month so I can't do a new one there, but definitely one of my favorite blogs to read. It's always interesting, funny, amusing, etc...LazyWriter  and I have just met through "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" this month too, and I'll always enjoy meeting a new person through blogging. Her entry, "Invalid Entry" discussed her experience with discovering more about her religion. I think spiritual paths are so personal and every person who's spiritual can benefit from learning more about their beliefs.IceSkatingSugarCube  had a really good entry for the "Four Burners' prompt: "Four Burners Theory" . I thought she had a really good analysis and sense of self-reflection in her writing, which is typical for her. Plus, the "stove is off" line at the end got me. QPdoll  is another blogger I adore. When we had the "Goldilocks" motivation prompt, I was totally thinking of her because she has mentioned before how her job doesn't give her enough work for it to be challenging or motivating. Of course, she nailed the prompt when talking about it!I enjoy MD Maurice  's entries so much. Her "mindblown" entry about her daughter's piano recital, "My Reluctant Little Star" was sooo sweet.  If you haven't read it, seriously check it out. MD Maurice just seems to get me. I don't know how to describe it, but I sense a kindred spirit in her somehow. Like, I could trust her for no reason. So yeah, there's just a handful of the bloggers I've been super enjoying this month. There are more though, but I'm over 5 people now and don't want to take anymore time to list them all. What I learn the most when reading other bloggers is that we're all different. We all have different things going on, different perspectives, different life experiences. I really feed off of being able to get a fresh viewpoint on any topic and that's why I love blogging so much. It's clear to see it's not them but me Who's lost my self-identity |
Artist: Tool Song: Schism [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Share an instance when something blew your mind. Maybe I'm just easy, but I get my mind blown regularly. I don't know why that felt so sexual to type. ^^^ I have a friend who hits me up with random facts all the time because he reads way too much random bullshit. Every time I see him he's like, "Hey, did you know..." at least 5 different times. Probably because I'm a good audience for that. [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Here's a list of some random mindblowing* facts *May only be mindblowing if you're easily amused.  When you look at the stars, you're looking back in time. Because of the finite speed of light, anything you can see in the sky today looks as it did in the past. For example, the Big Dipper is 60-125 light years away, so when you see it, you're likely seeing something from before you born. Scientists have also said that, theoretically, if an alien was 65 million light years away and looked at earth through a strong enough telescope, they could see dinosaurs. There is a species of jellyfish that is biologically immortal. The Turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish can actually convert itself completely back into the early stages of its life cycle through a cell development process called transdifferentiation.  95% of the ocean is unexplored. I think I talked about exploring the ocean and space in an earlier entry this month, but knowing that we've explored less than 95% of the world's oceans is scary af! Like, there could be anything down there and we wouldn't even know about it. When you're dreaming, your brain is telling itself a story. Someone described dreams to me as a story your brain is telling itself and I've never thought of dreams the same way again. Krakatoa's eruption could be heard from 3000 miles away. When the volcano erupted in Indonesia in 1883, it killed over 36,000 people and was so loud that it could be clearly heard 3000 miles away. For the US folks, that's the equivalent of standing in Orlando, Florida and hearing a sound from Seattle, Washington. It's insane! Aluminum used to be more valuable than gold. While aluminum was very common, it was also difficult to isolate in a pure form. It went from $12 a pound in 1880 to $0.20 a pound in 1930. Before a refinement process was discovered, pure aluminum was rare and expensive. Napoleon even set his tables with aluminum cutlery over gold cutlery because it was so valuable. There are over 250 corpses on Mt. Everest and... they're (( WARNING: bodies shown in this link >>>)) used as guideposts . Here is a source that shows no photos . This is legit the most bizarre thing to me. I know it's nearly impossible to retrieve the bodies at that altitude and it's viewed as a warning sign to hikers, but there's just something so wrong and creepy about it to me. Excedrin Migraine and Excedrin Extra Strength have the same ingredients. This is a personal one. I get migraines frequently and people always told me to take Excedrin Migraine for it. But then I found out that the Extra Strength and the Migraine one are the exact same thing. And what's worse is that a lot of places charge more for Excedrin Migraine because you have a migraine and you're like, "omg, this hurts, I need migraine meds, extra strength won't do!"So anyway, I got really annoyed when I found this out like a year after my migraines started and I was ranting about it liberally, and someone told me that it's more expensive because of the inactive ingredients. They said that the inactive ingredients in the migraine one release the meds faster so they'll work faster for you if you're having a migraine. And then I looked at the inactive ingredients AND THEY'RE THE SAME FUCKING THING STILL. You see, this annoys me because they're tricking people who have migraines, are in pain, and probably aren't thinking straight.  That's all I've got for you today. Hopefully at least one of those things was mildly amusing or you got a kick out of the mini rant at the very least. There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away |
Artist: The White Stripes Song: Effect and Cause [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Which burner in your life burns the brightest? If you had to completely turn off one of your burners to be successful in the other three, which would you turn off?Ooooof. I'm painfully busy and I don't understand why. I mean, I have work and summer classes, but it seems like it should be less busy because I'm in less classes. But, double speed, so trying to get all my assignments done + grade people's assignments for the classes where I'm a teaching assistant is getting pretty overwhelming. Okay, let's do this entry so I can go grab dinner. First of all, I don't know how much I agree with this whole "four burner" theory. Yeah, you sometimes have to let one thing slip a little or give extra attention to another, but as far as turning off a burner entirely? Uhhhh... Hard disagree, to be honest. See, this theory is saying that you can't reach your maximum potential in all areas without turning off at least one burner, but all of these areas require a different level of effort depending on the person. For example, some people's friends and family are super easy to maintain. They see them for holidays, events, go on vacations together, call each other over the weekend, etc... Unless they're also going to turn off their work or health burner, then you're already at the maximum reachable potential for that relationship. I agree with the article's statements about seasons of your life changing, which causes you to emphasize different burners for a period of time, but I guess I just don't see that as turning a burner off. Just because you spend time raising a family, doesn't mean you can't succeed at work, stay healthy, and remain friends with people. Right now, I think work and health are my primary burners. Just trying to maintain my mental health and get through school while working makes it a necessity. But I still make a lot of time for friends/family. Almost all of my spare time goes to the other two burners. If I had to turn one off right now, I'd turn off family, but I think I'm managing at least "okay-ish" while burning the candle at both ends. Well, you can't take the effect And make it the cause I didn't rob a bank Because you made up the law |
Artist: The Shins Song: Saint Simon [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Discuss the “Goldilocks Rule of Motivation” as described on the website below. “Human beings love challenges, but only if they are within the optimal zone of difficulty. Tasks that are significantly below your current abilities are boring. Tasks that are significantly beyond your current abilities are discouraging. But tasks that are right on the border of success and failure are incredibly motivating to our human brains.” Ahh, I love this one. Maybe because I've learned about this in business school in 4 different classes. In human resources, you want tasks to be two things: challenging and specific If you don't have those two things, you won't motivate your employees in the long-term. A task that is too easy isn't rewarding. People will put it off because it's so easy to quickly finish anyway. Plus, they'll be bored out of their mind on autopilot while doing it. If a task is too vague, it has that discouraging effect. If someone says to you, "Do your best, I know you'll do great" or "I trust you to do a good job with this" it's legit the most frustrating thing. It's like, can I get some actual guidance? What outcomes are we looking for? What are the parameters of the project? I need something to go off of that is more specific than, "You're awesome! You're gonna do a great job!" All of this matters because of retention. In order to retain an employee, you have to motivate them. The cost of replacing employees is ridiculously high, so the longer you can retain them, the better. But let me move away from a business perspective. On the personal side, I've found the Goldilocks Rule of Motivation to be so true. I get super easily discouraged if something is too difficult. Even on the site, sometimes I'll see a challenge that looks really fun, and then I'm like... wait, this runs for the entire year?? NOPE. It's just too much commitment, which makes it too difficult for me and I'll get instantly discouraged from signing up. I don't know what I'm gonna be doing next week, let alone 8 months from now. At the same time though, I do want writing challenges that are specific and, ya know, challenging. Some of the prompts in "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" can be pretty challenging. I mean, I can write on any prompt, but naturally you're not going to be feeling every single prompt. You're going to have days where it's challenging to write something that you're satisfied with because you don't click with the prompt. To me, that's super fun. You get to explore topics that you never would have thought about or written about.If 30DBC was like, "Hey, you guys just write one blog entry a day for the entire month. No prompts. Just off the dome. I know you're gonna do great!! " I don't think it would be as successful as it is. For some people, that would be pretty challenging, but it's not specific, and it's therefore discouraging.In "real life" (not work, school, or WDC), I really enjoy a good challenge. I feel like I do well with my back against a wall ( ). I get bored extremely easily and I'll make my own excitement if things get too tedious for me. People tell me that I’m difficult sometimes, but “difficult” has such a bad connotation. I’d rather be around someone who’s a bit challenging than someone who’s overly boring. The caveat is that I have to actually like the person. If I like you and you’re challenging, cool, let’s go. If I don’t like you and you’re challenging, you can piss right off. I know I’m not the only one who’s like this. I don’t mind situations that cause a bit of unrest. I’m comfortable with complex situations that make me feel 10 different emotions simultaneously. But if it gets difficult to the point where it feels impossible or I’m completely depleted of all energy, yeah, I’ll demotivate very quickly. After all these implements and texts designed by intellects So vexed to find, evidently there's still so much that hides |
Artist: Wolf Parade Song: I'll Believe in Anything [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write your entry inspired by the word “nurture.” What does it mean to nurture something or someone? How were you nurtured growing up, how are you currently nurtured, and how do you nurture others? Webster dictionary defines "nurture" as... Just kidding. When I think of a nurturing person, I think of a gardener. You know, taking care of something fragile (like a plant) so that it may grow and blossom. Nurturing is about supporting something (or someone) so that it may reach its full potential. Nurturing doesn't count debts or hold conditions. It isn't a "you rub my back, I'll rub yours" situation. When you nurture someone, you're taking on the responsibility of fostering another person's growth. That's why it's so incredibly important to make sure that you're ready for the commitment of raising a child before you have one. Because that's what nurturing really is - commitment to the well-being of someone else. Anyone who has read my blog, like, even a couple times knows that I was not very nurtured as a child. I don't have many good memories. I always knew I would have to confront the past someday. When I started speaking to my family again, I knew that history was going to catch up to us, even with how incredibly avoidant my family is, generally speaking. I keep saying that I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to confront things. I'm not ready to forgive. And, besides, no one is ready to apologize. But you don't always get to decide these things. To quote Bret Easton Ellis: “But this was what happened when you didn't want to visit and confront the past: the past starts visiting and confronting you.” Within the last couple years, the past has been visiting and confronting me. All the ways I've been seeking nurturing, subtle or obvious, have started coming together. Gears are turning, things are clicking. I think I tried not to think about what certain relationships might represent. I tried to not see correlation or causation between anything. In hindsight, it's common sense. Being with people who are my parents' age, allowing myself to be controlled, being under someone else's thumb... It spells out one thing for me: structure It's stable. It's flattering. Someone wants to spend their time taking care of you. Someone wants to spend their money spoiling you. Someone wants to nurture you. I've seen it in all of my relationships, all my friendships. I attract people who will take care of me. People who will be patient and sympathetic. There's something so comforting about someone who thinks they know what's best for you. When someone is willing to lay out a plan for you and tell you what to do. When they're willing to follow up on that and push you to reach your potential, it fills me with warmth. And both good people and bad people can pick up on that. They can sense that need to be coddled. There is nothing that feels closer to nurturing than protection. I will melt in the hands of any person that deems me valuable enough to protect. The reason so many of my friendships are toxic is because of this though. I attract people who are willing to sacrifice a lot of time, money, and effort to protect me. Mostly from myself. And when I can't return the affection and nurturing they give to me, they feel wronged. They feel like I've used them to get something I need and then tossed them aside. It's not all bad though. In fact, I refuse to believe it's even mostly bad. I've met so many people right here on this site that have nurtured me through the years in a healthy, safe way. There have been so many people who have kept my spirits up when I couldn't do that for myself. People have emotionally supported and stabilized me as needed without the expectation of return on investment. They've pointed out the good in me, even when I couldn't see it. They've supported my endeavors as long as my endeavors were aiding my growth. That's the good kind of nurturing, right? The problem is that I mix up the good kind of nurturing and the bad kind of nurturing. I blur a lot of lines. I don't set any boundaries. And I rarely speak up, even when I know that something is unhealthy. I do it willingly because those brief moments of warmth that spread through me when I'm being cared for outweigh the pain and confusion of every other moment. You can't ever fill such a deep void, but you can keep pouring gasoline on a fire to maintain a flicker of warmth. To those of you who have willingly sacrificed your resources and capabilities to nurture the growth of someone who depended on you fully, I commend you. The level of dedication that takes is terrifying to me. You can completely shape someone's future by nurturing their potential, and I have the maddest respect for any of you who have chosen to give that gift to another person. Happy Mother's Day to all of our nurturing WDC moms!  Give me your eyes I need sunshine |
Artist: Miike Snow Song: Animal [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write your entry today from the perspective of an animal. You could choose a pet, a lioness on the hunt, a rhino being pursued by poachers, or any other animal of your choice. Stuffed Each hole in the wall told a story. I'd witnessed it all, lying dormant, bulging button eye d a n g l i n g from a cotton socket, fur matted from choked sobs, white hot everything. You thought we were both defective, mummified in synthetic safety- (your feet carefully tucked) flashlight drumming a steady click click click strobelight tent, red display alarm clock taunting in its st-st-stutter countdown pending daylight. I'm still trying to make my mind up Am I free or am I tied up? |
Artist: The Beatles Song: Birthday [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Fact! Today is Sum1 's birthday!   Write something to celebrate the dedicated Head Judge of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Awww, this is a really sweet idea, Em.  I think one of the ways Jim impacts all of us on WDC is with his "Anniversary Reviews" . If you open up a review and see  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"  in it, you can thank his forum for that. I've been on the site since 2014 and giving reviews was one of the ways I got to meet a lot of writers on the site. The other way was blogging. The Anniversary Reviews Forum is so easy to navigate and great for people who are shy or new because you don't need to join a group or anything. You can just jump right in whenever.In fact, here's one of my first Anniversary reviews that I gave back in 2015: Review of "Lie to me"  by Charlie ~ Aside from that, I think we're all familiar with Jim's very punny dad jokes found in:
If you're not following Jim on your newsfeed, you're missing out on the opportunity to roll your eyes (and smile) at least once a day. Let's look at Jim's zodiac and see if it sounds like him? May 10th is Taurus.Strengths: Reliable, patient, practical, devoted, responsible, stable Weaknesses: Stubborn, possessive, uncompromising Taurus likes: Gardening, cooking, music, romance, high quality clothes, working with hands Taurus dislikes: Sudden changes, complications, insecurity of any kind, synthetic fabrics Okay, not gonna lie, this whole fabric/clothing thing is cracking me up. Never took Jim as a fashion snob.   And on likes, we're totally missing traveling, which Jim does all the time: "Where In The World Is Sum1?" ; "Travel Pictures" This goes back to the horoscope prompt we all did earlier this year when we were like, literally NO ONE likes complications. I've never met someone who was like, "Hey, you know what I hope happens today? COMPLICATIONS." To close out, here's a super corny joke: Person 1: Have you heard of Pavlov's dogs? Person 2: It rings a bell.  ![Merit Badge in Selfless
[Click For More Info]
Happy birthday, Jim! Thanks for all you do on WDC! *^*Balloonb*^* *^*Heartb*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Selfless.gif) Happy birthday, Sum1 !!  |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Another Travelin' Song [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What is the farthest you've ever been from the place you call "home?" Yikes, I'm not doing super great on keeping up with things these past couple days. My summer classes started and I'm also working a lot of hours. That's not really why I've been a bit MIA though. I'm really disconnected right now from anything that feels like "work" and literally everything can feel like work. Anything that's time consuming, even reading a book, feels like work to me right now. I've basically just been hanging out with friends and laying in bed because it's the most mindless thing I can do. I'm going to bed at like 5 or 6 in the morning and taking copious naps throughout the day. It's just... chill time. Anyway, I've been coast to coast US. I've never been off the mainland. To be totally honest, travel isn't an interest of mine. Most of the traveling I've done has been to get from one place to another. I find vacations to be stressful and I'd rather spend my free time catching up with friends locally who I've been too busy to get drinks with and just hang out. I have gone on vacations, but never out of the country. They require a lot of planning, especially because I have pets that have to be boarded if I'm gone for a long time. So there's like flight plans, hotel arrangements, and then what you're gonna actually do there. It's not for me. When I do travel, it's typically super off the cuff and I just kind of find my destination whenever I get there. I don't follow an itinerary or do touristy things. Travel just honestly isn't for me right now though. I know it's supposed to make you cultured and all that, but I've had more experiences at my age than most people do at double my age. That's not meant to be condescending. It's not even probably a good thing. But I'm basically just not worried about living inside a bubble, because I don't. I think other people traveling is cool though. My in-laws do it a lot and I like to listen to them talk about places they visited and people they met. I like to look at their travel pictures and stuff like that. I guess a lot of people don't like to hear about other people's travels, because I have several family members who travel abroad frequently and they tell me that it's hard to find someone who's generally interested in where they've been or what they've done. They'll bring me back something from the countries they've visited, like some kind of trinket or candy or whatever. I think it's super interesting, it's just not for me at this point in my life. There's a word I can't remember And a feeling I cannot escape |
Artist: Elton John Song: Rocket Man [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" :In the future, if space travel became possible, would you want to go? What would most influence your decision whether or not to leave Earth? I'm pretty terrified of outer space and deep sea, so my initial reaction to this is no, no, no. There's just something about unknown, unexplored places that makes me super uncomfortable. When I see pictures of giant sea creatures, it makes me wanna gag. They can stay in their habitat and I'll stay in mine. The thing about unknown is that it can be as bad as your imagination is. So, if you have an expansive imagination, you can create something much worse than what most likely exists. Nothing can prove you wrong because it's unknown to all.So, after the giant NOPE, my next two thoughts: safety & cost. Right? Because, unless you don't care about dying, safety is gonna come to mind. How safe is it? Where are we going in space? How many times has this specific space travel been done? What problems have happened in the past and how do we know those things won't happen again? What type of training is needed? What kind of waiver do I have to sign about my family not suing if my body gets launched into the great abyss? Also, how much does it cost? I'd imagine space travel would be obscenely expensive. Even after it was a more commonplace venture, it would still cost more than myself or most people would probably have.  I'm trying to stop looking at it analytically, but I just can't. My brain can't take a different perspective. Like, even if I start thinking about it from the perspective of, like, what's going on in my life in the future... Because that could totally influence my decision on whether or not to go. Like if I had a family and career, I doubt I'd take the time off to travel to space, even if it was safe or affordable. But if I found myself in a position where I didn't have very much responsibility back on Earth, and it was safe and affordable, then why not? Oh right, because the unknown space creatures would murder me in the face. Okay, I think I got it. I would only want to travel to space under the following conditions: 1) It was safe 2) It was affordable 3) I didn't have a bunch of shit to tend to on Earth 4) I overcame my fear of unknown space creatures So, basically, no, I wouldn't want to go. And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
