A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Motion City Soundtrack Song: Can't Finish What You Started [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about a time when you surprised yourself with your abilities. Is there a specific time you can remember when you were convinced that you could not do something, and then you did it? Tell us! Oh, this is just my standard state of being. I never look upon something with confidence like, aw, yeah, I'm gonna rock this. Gotta keep expectations low, even for myself, so that when I do succeed at something it's a pleasant surprise. Other people definitely have a lot more faith in me than I have in myself. Let's just breakdown my day today from 12:00am until now (10:30pm). Here are all the things I thought I couldn't do today: 1) Go to sleep. At around 2 in the morning, I had this thought while reading in bed like, I'm never going to fall asleep tonight. 2) Fall back asleep after waking up. I woke up at around 5 in the morning and thought, Fuck, I only got 2 hours of sleep and I'm never gonna fall back asleep now. 3) Wake up. When Kira started cooking breakfast at 7:30am, I thought something like, Oh no, there's no way I can wake up right now. 4) Eat breakfast. Once breakfast was finished, I was staring at my plate like, Ugh, why am I so nauseous every morning. There's no way I can eat. 5) Go to school. Between 8am and 1pm, I thought roughly 46 times, Yeahhhh, there's no way I'm gonna make it to school. The weather sucks. I feel like shit. Etc. 6) Meet with my professor. I had a meeting with my professor set for 2 o'clock and definitely thought, I'm not going to get any clear answers from him. This is pointless. I should just stay home. 7) Walk up all the stairs at school. Again, I feel like shit. My breathing sucks. I can't walk up all these flights of stairs. 8) Take a quiz. Always tons of self down involved there. I didn't study for this. I'm gonna fail. I should just not take it. It's a waste of paper. 9) Go home. Once I've been at school all day, then I don't want to leave because it's raining and I have to walk all the way to the car. I forgot my jacket. I'm gonna get more sick if I leave now. I'm just going to hang out in the library. 10) Write this entry. Once I finally get home from the epically long day, then I start thinking about all the things I need to do before I can lay down for the night and try to relax™ for a bit. I need to have dinner, do the assignment that's due at midnight, take a shower, respond to emails. There's no way I'll have time to write a blog entry. You get the idea. I am just NOT a confident person. I could write a series on negative self talk. And yes, I did actually accomplish all those tiny things today that I thought I couldn't do. If it sounds exhausting to you, you're right. I've always been this neurotic too. I mean, the only time I wasn't was when I was on #drugs, but that's because I only cared about 1 thing in the universe during that time. Aside from that, overanalyzing everything since birth, I swear. I remember one incident with lil Charlie when I was maybe 6 or 7. My mother and I were going to the store because she forgot to get bananas for a dessert she was making. Our conversation kind of went like this: Me, in the backseat: Ma, what will we do if they don't have bananas? Ma: What do you mean? Me: If the store doesn't have bananas, what will we do? Ma: Like if they're out of bananas...? Me: Yeah Ma: Go to a different store, I guess...? Me: What if all the stores are out of bananas? Ma: Why would all of the stores be out of bananas? Me: What if they got lost on a truck or the farmers don't have any? Ma: ............................ Me: Ma? Ma: ... The store will have bananas, Charlie. So, the short answer, I guess, is that I'm fully convinced I can't do things on a daily basis. I also thoroughly impress myself when I do actually accomplish even the smallest thing. Nothing in life is accomplished through one big action. "I can't graduate school" isn't a time I thought I couldn't do something. It was a series of a million times I thought I couldn't do something. It was all the times I thought I couldn't pass an exam, finish writing a paper, get out of bed and go to school, work with a lazy group on a project, etc. You just have to keep pushing through the tiny "I can't" moments until you get an "I did." It doesn't make a bit of difference if you start what you can't finish |