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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 16:10 If I could improve anything about my writing, what would it be and how will I motivate myself to bring about these changes? ...And I already had a ten minute break so I could answer my mum's call! And I'd only just managed to sit down and get on with this! My brother has said he's coming so the kids can see Dean in action - they've met my kitten before, but he was all cooped up in his carrier then, since I was going to take him to the vet. In all honesty, I'm worried for Dean! I'm not sure when they're coming - I've been putting off turning the computer on since he told me two hours ago. He said he'd be here in an hour. Asians, I tell you!  Now I'm worried he's going to come while I'm writing this and I'll end up having to stop in the middle and then resume like two-three hours later. If there's a huge discrepancy between the time noted above and the time that shows up once my blog has been updated, you'll know why! I don't like stopping tasks that are on my checklist in the middle. It means I can't tick them off! Anywho, onto the challenge. Since October, I've not been back to my Rift-Touched novel. There are a number of reasons. One, I thought I'd give the story some time to leak out of my head so that I could read it later with a fresh perspective. Two, I'm lazy and can't get my act together. Three, I don't quite know which direction to go in for the second draft. I have started it - there are a few pages done, but it's just a rewrite with some of the inconsistencies and other things I didn't like from the first draft taken out, and that wasn't all I wanted for it. I wanted to wait because I want some of the handful of people to whom I emailed the novel to get back to me about their thoughts on it. No one has. It's been more than six months. There are a number of areas where I thought I fell short and I wanted an outsider's opinion. But I've learnt that time and again, no one wants to know. I feel annoyed with myself for even asking, as if being brushed off again and again is an invitation to keep doing it and continue being ignored. I get that reading and reviewing a whole novel is a big ask, but why offer if that's the case and you can't commit? Kudos to those people who did say "I'd love to but I just can't spare the time. Sorry". It's really not that difficult. As you might have guessed, it's a pretty sore topic  Onto the actual topic and let's hope I don't get distracted again! I feel like my story is too linear, if that's even the right word. When I looked over the first draft to take out the unresolved side stories, I ended up getting rid of all of them. There is some romance in there but it's about the main two characters. I wanted to explore the backgrounds of some of the other characters, and explore the setting a bit, but I ended up scrapping their storylines because I couldn't figure out how to tie their subplots into the main narrative. Brandon Sanderson, I salute you! Like I mentioned in my last (?) entry, I wrote fanfiction for a long time, to the detriment of my original works, and my fanfiction was just...everywhere. There was no plot, no descriptions, no central themes, just...a mess. The idea of writing with a proper novel structure was daunting then and it's daunting now, only now I know I can't leave it off and write a whole bunch of plotless drivel instead. In response to the second part of the challenge, I don't know. I guess I'll just have to experiment! Sounds fun! :D End time is 16:49. If only I could actually sit here and write for forty minutes!  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 17:18 I feel really lazy today. It just hasn't been a good, productive day. Ramadan starts tomorrow and, in order to save myself some time when it comes to closing the fasts, I made like 18 parathas and froze them. I have no idea whether I'll be able to separate them since they'll be rock solid when I get them out, but I'll see what I can do at that point. My week hasn't been particularly boring or exciting. On Monday I...can't even remember what I did. I went to college on Tuesday. Wednesday, I went to see Endgame  , Thursday I went to help a friend who was standing in her local elections (I say "help" but I was just sat around talking to her mum for two-three hours) and then I spent like seven more hours after that chilling out at another friend's house, and on Friday I had the whole day at home but still managed to do nothing - in fact, I stayed up watching Netflix too long and lost some valuable sleep time as a result, which I am still trying to make up for. Yesterday, I did some babysitting for this lady I know and played cricket with a little boy and lazed around at my mum's house. As you can see, I do a fair bit of lazing around. Even in the midst of writing this blog, I lose interest and start playing with my cat, which is why I always have such short entries despite taking so much time. As for the coming week, I hope to finish a short story for the Rockin' Reviewers contest and look over my poem for their poetry contest too. Aside from that, I'm getting back into writing fanfiction, only to help me get into the flow of writing, and I must say that I have changed as a writer over these past couple of years. Before, my fanfiction was a sprawling mess with no end in sight, but now I'm thinking about how it's going to end, the events that will transpire within it, and the pace at which I want the story to flow. I guess finishing my novel last year really helped me to focus! I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of a story it will be. And that's nineteen minutes! Peace out! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 11:26 I'm doing this while sitting beside my bedroom window, which is open, if that's all right. I'm worried I'd have a kid running off down the road if I stepped outside My nose is a bit blocked at moment so I can't smell much of anything. Some of the stuffiness of my room is being alleviated by the open window. The bin isn't full but it stinks of dirty cat litter - still getting into the habit of having a kitten. I can't smell much of anything else. I'm trying to get a whiff of the coconut oil I put on my son's hair but I can't since it's quite subtle and he won't stay still long enough for me to smell it. I can hear my son playing, he's just singing something unintelligible to himself and running his toy car across the floor. Now, he's banging his other cars together. And now he's walking, the patter of his socked feet thumping on the floor. There are cars going past on the road outside. I'm sure if my son would quieten down for a moment, I might be able to hear the rustling of the trees since there are many along my street. I can hear the creak of my chair every time I shift. It's quite breezy outside and I can hear the wind. An unwanted ad just popped up on my screen with a ding. Oh, and another one. And another. These things usually happen in threes, for some reason. Oh, and of course, I can hear the sound of the keyboard as I type. I unintentionally cracked my knuckles and thought "Oh, I can add that!" but there was no cracking! More cars on the road. Pretty much the same things repeating, really. As for what I can feel, I feel a few things. I feel a bit cold. I feel achy because my back is hurting. I feel tired because I went to sleep really late last night and was roused at about half six and I never got the chance to catch up on yesterday's missed sleep either. I feel a bit of a headache coming on, which usually happens when I've not slept properly for a few days. I feel annoyed, because my husband won't get the hell up and my mum wants me to stop by the shop on my way over to hers, where the family usually gathers on a Saturday. I feel a bit bummed because there is usually an interfaith meet-up on the first Saturday of every month and this is the second time I've missed it. Last month I totally forgot but this morning, my back felt so stiff and I didn't feel up to going. Or maybe I was just being lazy. I feel generally fatigued - because of family, because of friends, because of college, because of writing - the list is extensive so I'll leave it at that. I feel unappreciated, since I've barely made the time to write this blog. I feel like I'm wasting my time, since I'm waiting for someone to do something so we can get out of the house and go, but while I'm waiting, I'm not doing much of anything and my list of things to do has barely been touched today but I can't start on it since the other person could wake at any moment. I'm a bit anxious as I have babysitting duty in an hour and fifteen minutes and it doesn't look like we'll be ready to go for a while yet. Is that ten things? Wow, that last paragraph was really long! And that's twenty minutes! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 14:41 I am tired, as always. Why am I tired? I dunno. Might have something to do with this game my friend's son told me about last night called Akinator. It's not a particularly challenging game - you don't do a whole lot. You think of a character and answer "yes" or "no" to the questions the "genie" comes up with and, eventually, he'll guess who your character is. I tried obscure characters, like one main dude from the Kdrama I'm currently watching, and non-mainstream novel characters, like Kaladin Stormblessed from Brandon Sanderson's the Stormlight Archive. He got them all! The only ones where there were some hiccups were the ones I wasn't too sure of myself, from books I read quite a while back and forgot the smaller details. I was playing it till about 01:30-01:45. See, I beat my Netflix addiction and another just comes strolling along! Onto the challenge then! It's a bit tricky - I haven't the memory previous generations had in regards to our family history. My dad could probably tell me loads but I've never sat with him to talk about it because I know I'll get a lecture alongside it! Something like..."You should know all this!" or "This our family history! It's important!" or "You kids just carry on watching the TV and sticking your noses in your phones and forget everything else" (accompanied by a disappointed shake of the head). My family comes from Pakistan and we moved to England when I was six. Most of my family is here in the UK but we have some relatives back in PK. That's about all I can say on that, I'm afraid. Not the best subject for me, though I've managed to get my ten minutes...by taking a few short breaks and messing about with Dean, my kitten, no doubt. But my breaks didn't last that long. I'm sure I managed ten minutes of writing easily. It has now been twenty minutes! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 09:48 I'm afraid I won't be home for a good portion of my day so I thought I'd get this over and done with while I'm free. My day has barely begun and I'm already tired. Nothing new there! Of course, my son wakes up SUPER early when there's no need. Monday through Wednesday, he slept in and we got late taking him to childminder's, but the one day where I was really looking forward to catching up on my sleep, I'm roused at half six in the morning because his highness needs a nappy change since he's done a poo. Couldn't he have sat in it for a couple hours? It's not like it's going anywhere, right? I want to sleep! T_T Onto the challenge then! So, describe a meaningful object, eh? Nothing in my line of sight is particularly inspiring or has any particular significance attached to it. I guess there's my sewing machine, which I got some years ago at the charity shop I volunteered at for a few months. They don't sell electric things so they were going to throw it out. I said I wanted it and they gave it to me for 50p! It's ace. I don't know much about sewing machines but I like the idea of making my own clothes and experimenting with things. I'm sure I've wrecked the thing a little bit, since the stitches don't come out very smoothly, but I still use it. I've made many outfits with it, most of them absolute garbage. A few I have worn and still wear. The last one I made was a lilac and white dress with a full length chiffon jacket to go with it. I absolutely will not wear it in public if I can help it, since it's not terribly well made. But I love my sewing machine. I acquired it all by myself and I sew things with it all by myself. Like all the crafts I like to dabble in, it's something that is special to me. I like making things, from clothes to stories to decorative canvases you can hang on your wall (if you think they're good enough to, of course). I love being a creative person. I just wish I could allocate more time to these crafts. That's 17 minutes! Woo-hoo! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:14 I cut it really close sometimes, don't I? Today started off as a rather slow day, I suppose. But you never know what's going to happen! I did some ironing and watched some more of the Kdrama I am currently on while I did so. I thought, with the amount of days that have passed since I was able to watch it last, I might find that my enthusiasm for it had faded away. That's happened before. But it's getting really good! It's called Secret Garden and you can find it on Netflix, if you so wish (I will warn you, if you have never come across them before, that Kdramas tend to wear on the nerves at times and they're very dramatic and sometimes even melodramatic. Proceed with caution). To my knowledge, it has absolutely nothing to do with Frances Hodgson Burnett's novel of the same name. Besides that, I went to see Avengers Endgame! Oh, my God! I'm still buzzing from the excitement, though I know it won't last long. These things never do. It's a pity, really, considering the amount of time we spend looking forward to these things but, in the end, they just become two-three hours out of several that you once spent stuck in a dark cinema. Anyways, onto the 30 Day Blogging Challenge! I was told I should do it since I'm pretty much doing it anyway so here I go! The prompt for today's challenge is what I'm looking forward to in 2019. A few things, I guess. Eid festivals are coming up in the next few months. For the past few years, my family has gone on a trip somewhere, which is nice, and I'm hoping they'll continue this year too. I'm looking forward to the long summer holidays so I can properly attempt to potty train my child - I'm just having no luck getting him to listen to me! I'm anticipating the ending of my course! YAY! Although it seems a shame that I've not yet been able to find placement and have lost the will to try. But just a few more months to go! I'm also looking forward to NaNoWriMo again. This will be my third consecutive year taking part in it and I've got a good records to live up to or beat. It's the most amazing feeling, actually finishing a novel in the space of a month! I'm just wondering what I'll write about this year. In the first year, 2017, I rewrote a story I'd just finished before November, to make it flow smoother. For last year, I did a Little Mermaid rewrite featuring the two main characters from my first attempt (I'm still wondering if it's a good idea to put it up, since I never went back to it and it was not overly satisfactory). I'm thinking I'll use those characters again for this year and make it more of an out-and-out fantasy. I'm also looking forward to losing some damn weight! It's been about a year since I regularly started walking and I read somewhere that that is about how long it takes for the belly fat to finally start melting away. That's always a concern...well, not really. I mean, it kind of is, but it isn't as big of an issue as it might have been when I was a little less respectful of myself as an individual. It'd be great to lose some weight, so that my ample fat isn't a potential hazard to my health, but I'm nor overly concerned with my body image or whatever. I'm comfortable in my skin, and admitting that is simply awesome. 23:35 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 21:59 It's not been a very good day today, in terms of...everything, really. I missed my morning prayer because I'm a lazy lump and turned off my alarm so I could sleep in an extra five minutes. I was late getting my son to the childminder's. My counselling skills session in college (in which I was pretending to be a counsellor) absolutely sucked. I had lunch by myself (which isn't that unusual but it's what I talked about when it was my turn to be the "client" for someone else's skills session). I was reminded again of how perverse psychotherapy theories and theorists can seem if you haven't studied them. I was reminded a few times that I need to stop fidgeting in lesson (in a good-natured, laughing-with-you-not-at-you kind of way). I had an ice lolly on the walk home (bad idea for my throat). I gave my son an ice lolly on the way home (VERY bad idea, since he's just like me and this kind of stuff has an immediate effect). I wanted to relax but then had to bathe my son since he peed in his pants (I'm trying, unsuccessfully, to potty train him) - not good for my back! I watched a bit of Netflix over dinner and felt guilty for it. I did my languages in the same half-assed way I do them every day. I started on some work and finished it (yay! Finally, something good!) And I have yet to finish my college assignment, which is due before midnight tonight T_T I had a fanfiction idea but I don't think I'll get time to make a start on it since I need to finish my assignment. Oh, and I had another of those ice lollies while sitting at the computer. Bad Shiki! I need better snacks, dammit! This hasn't been much of a blog entry. Speaking of blog entries, I've decided to try out the 30 Day Blogging Challenge! Let's see how that goes! Because I clearly don't have enough on my plate and need to use up my abundance of free time somehow! ANyways, of course I did check a message while writing, but it has been fourteen mins. I think I did ok! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 12:04 I haven't made my checklist yet but, with this blog entry done, I'll have two items crossed off. I'm slowly starting to get back into my routine (at least I hope I am!) It's been a slow morning. I rang the vet since Dean has an appointment (he needs his jabs, the little fleabag!) to confirm whether they would be coming here. I am 99.9% certain that the chap I was on the phone with when I booked the appointment said they do home visits for kittens under three months or something. I'm sure I asked whether I'd heard right at that point and he said yes, they do home visits. But the guy who answered today said they don't - that home visits have to be specifically requested. Now I have a problem. The appointment is going to be after my husband will have left for work so no car. I'm going to have to bug my sister for a lift. The poor lass will barely get time to sit down after coming home from work. Ah, I feel so bad. But what to do? The fleabag needs his jabs after all. If the pet carrier fits in the bottom of the pushchair, I could take him like that. My son will love it, seeing all the animals at the vets (I'm assuming there will be some since after school is when they're busiest, according to Google). I haven't written a thing for several days. I feel awful. Even the fanfiction I started to write has been left by the wayside. I haven't touched the Elementals either. It's a struggle just to remember all the other things I need to do in a day! I still have my assignment to complete, which is really grating on my nerves. Well, not really. But I did get a previous assignment back with some comments on what I need to do to change it so it meets the criteria. I hated that assignment! I hated it - and still hate it - with a vengeance! It's based on finding our own research and I have never done anything like that before so I didn't do too well. I just wanted to get it over and done with so I would never have to look at it again. But now I have to! ARGH! 12:18 - I had to take another break to wipe Dean's butt since he tends to trail poop everywhere after using the litter tray. He can be such a pest! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 11:44 It's certainly started off as a slow day. I have somewhere to be in a couple of hours and whenever that happens, I'm usually counting down till that moment, which is a huge waste of time! I sit around and do nothing for that entire time, thinking there's no point. I really need a lesson in time management. ...And as seems to be the case recently, I took a break between writing this to deal with the kitten. He's driving me nuts! I feel like I made a mistake sometimes, but it is nice having him around. My son is slowly starting to become accustomed to him. This morning especially, he's been playing with the kitty. I feel like I'm always at wit's end when dealing with both of them. I start shouting easily, even though I know it's stupid and neither of them understands what the hell I'm on about. I guess I need anger management too! Writing isn't going too well. I thought, just to get back into the habit, I'd try writing some fanfiction, but the plan hasn't worked. I have spent so long writing fanfiction that it should come easily, but it doesn't anymore. Maybe that's because I'm not as interested in anime as I used to be. I have my own characters and they mean more to me now than someone else's. ...And another break later, I'm wondering what to write about. Although it's been sixteen mins since I started writing, I don't think I've written for ten minutes. I'm still tired. I want to stay home. I want to get on with my assignment which is due in two days. I want to sleep! But it seems I won't get to do any of this until we return home and my son is in bed. And then Dean annoys me. At least I'll get a break from him while we're out! I don't know if I've done ten minutes of writing yet, but I'm going to stop there. It's 12:04. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:17 My routine is really off-course today. I had a dinner to go to last night and didn't get home till nearly 01:00. My little one had to sleepover at my mum's. You can bet my parents weren't happy! So with that weighing on my mind, I tried to get ready as quickly as possible so I could go over, since Saturdays are usually family meet-up days. While at my parents', I went over to attend a local community vigil for the Easter attacks in Sri Lanka. I really like it when, generally speaking, the different groups in my community have cause for getting together but it's just sad that something atrocious has to happen for us to do so and show our support for one another. Like one guy I saw there said, it won't be the last time we meet like this. Isn't is just disheartening when people are convinced that atrocities will continue to bring us together? I have so little faith in humanity as a whole. Anyways, moving on to less soul-crushing subjects. I still haven't had enough sleep. I'm so tired now but I've only just gotten onto the computer. The prompt I was working on, which should have been finished last night, did not get even close to finished. I've decided that that story idea is the one I'm going to use to write the short story for the Rockin' Reviewers short story contest thing. There's a poetry contest for that group too and I've already started my entry. I don't know why but it ended up being about love and romance. I thought so hard about what I wanted the subject matter to be and that's what came out. What on earth! As if watching sappy movies and Kdramas, reading shoujo manga, and writing the odd sappy story wasn't bad enough, now I'm starting to write poems on the subject! I don't actually believe in romance - at least, not the TV kind of "true love". I think it's a load of shite. It seems it's an ideal people will break lifelong marriages for, as if "love" has to have a very specific definition. It's a feeling like any other. It truly does not warrant poems being written about it. I mean, I don't see people writing poems about anger and rage - well, not to the extent they write about love, in any case! Or like...sadness. I mean, there are poems about loss, but aren't those usually about loved ones who've gone? I could be wrong - maybe there are lots of poems about general sadness and loneliness - but I haven't read any. Which isn't saying much, since I actually don't read a whole lot of poetry. Went off on a bit of a tangent there. I don't even know if it makes sense (I'm certainly not inclined to go back and look over it right now to make sure it does since I'm half asleep) but I did get my ten mins (and more!) I don't know if I want to sleep or if I should do something creative. I have a damn essay to reference too! Dammit. 23:37 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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