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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 11:59 Interesting prompt for today. I can't share any one particular instance where I wanted to go back and have another crack at something because my life is probably littered with moments like that. We are, at any one particular moment in our lives, at the peak of our knowledge. We live according to what we know, even though it is often a laughably small amount of knowledge in the context of the wider world. We're always learning and experiencing new things, even if we don't actively try to do so. So the wiser we get, of course we regret some of our more misinformed choices in life. But even the bad choices shape us and make us who we are. I'm trying to live with that now. It's been a difficult journey - and it still is in many ways - but I am happy with the person that I am right now. Perhaps, if the opportunity for do-overs came around, I would try harder at something and my life would veer down a different track and I might improve in some ways, but other paths I then took the first time round might never be open to me and I may not then be the person that I am now. And that's a terrifying thought. So, in response to the prompt, if the opportunity for do-overs came around, I wouldn't take it. I'd need a hell of a lot more of those opportunities to set my timeline straight again, so that I could continue being the person that I am...although a somewhat more improved version. But, really, I don't mind me. 12:10 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 22:44 I never go into a weekend with a fixed idea of what I want to do. On Saturdays, I head over to my mum's so I'm usually idle and accomplish nothing except the items on my daily checklist. This also happens to be why I update my blog so late on Saturdays - either I'll do it super early before I leave or super late after I return. I wasn't able to update it earlier as I had guests over and they left a while before I headed out for my mum's. Guests are always a nice surprise since people rarely come to my house. Saying that, I'm expecting a visit from my friend tomorrow. We'll be meeting again after like three months, and we're supposed to be best mates. It was hard enough when she lived twenty minutes away by car. Since she got married, it's become double that and I detest driving out of town. I lack confidence behind the wheel and barely manage driving locally (sometimes not even then). So that's my current weekend. On a general weekend, I would spend my Sunday at home. Dean has his vaccines tomorrow too so I'll have to get out to take him to the vets. I have promised myself that I'll make my Sundays a day out for my little one, just the two of us. He's so enamoured by buses since he's never been on one. He's been on a train once. There are lots of places to explore. I'm thinking, since I want to home school him, I should get in the habit now of taking him to different places. As for the last part of the prompt - if I had 48 hours to spend as I wished, what would I do? - my first thought was go to sleep late and wake up whenever I want, but I don't really mind getting up early on a morning. I just wish I had more sleep. If I didn't have a child, I would definitely try to go to sleep earlier so I could get up earlier. As it is, I sleep late and wake up early. I would also like to spend a couple days just chilling, without worrying about meeting the needs of a small human being. Last night, till about four in the morning, I was lying awake in bed thinking about a new story idea and the whole time, there was a nagging little voice in the back of my head saying "go to sleep! You'll have to be up soon!" But I allowed myself to indulge. It was actually sort of like playing a movie in my head - I was thinking about the direction of this story and how it would play out and the different paths it could take. It's such a rare thing for me to feel nowadays that I just let it pull me along, even if I did end up getting only three hours of sleep as a result. If I had 48 hours to kill, I'd like to spend more time doing that :) 23:03 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 15:20 How do I reward my successes? Hmm...It's a tough one. I don't really. Maybe if I see something nice that I've wanted for a while, like a new dress or some piece of artist equipment, I'll splurge and get it. Mostly, I don't reward myself because I feel guilty enough as it is with the day-to-day expenditures. I shouldn't feel like that, should I? I should reward myself more often, shouldn't I? Who cares if it leaves a massive hole in the wallet? Money comes and money goes - that is the nature of money. That would be a nice way of looking at things if I didn't own a house and didn't have a child (and a cat). Life would be so easy. Mind you, I don't take care of most of the expenses around here - it's my husband who deals with the mortgage and the bills. I just have to get all the in-house things we need. There must be low-cost ways to treat oneself! Chocolates...? Although I get a couch when I eat too many sugary foods :( Ice cream...same problem. Books? Books are good! It's stupid but I rarely look at used books so I either don't buy them or save up if I've seen one in particular. Or...you know, I go down to the library. What other ways are there to treat yourself? Anyone got any ideas? 15:32 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 19:27 The challenge prompt for today is "what kind of learning style do I have?" I'm not sure, to be honest. I guess I learn a lot through discussion and images. Mostly, though, if someone shows me a couple times how to do something, that's the best way for me to learn. The last assignment I handed in for counselling was absolute crap because it was something new to me and the teacher couldn't let the class have a look at past examples of it because ours is the first class in that subject at that level of qualification to be taught at that college. So it was all a bit hit-and-miss. I definitely missed, I can tell you that. It was like being thrown in at the deep end. Saying that, the things I enjoy are the things I learn about as I go along. I don't like those things to be spoon-fed to me by someone else because I want to explore the limits for myself. I'm sure you can guess that this is the creative stuff. I don't do well when someone tries to teach me writing, because it feels forced. Not to say I've never taken advice to heart - I love advice! There's just precious little of it given to me in regards to my craft that I'll soak it in and try my best to apply it. I attended lots of writing workshops when I was a teen and in my very early twenties but I don't remember taking much from them. It's the one-to-one tutorials, where someone is earnest about your work and wants you to improve, that really helped. I don't get any of those anymore either. 19:37 And that's a wrap! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 13:03 I wanted to be a lot of things when I was little. My earliest career choice (that I can recall) was a scientist. Then I wanted to be a builder. And then a teacher. Then a writer at around fifteen-sixteen years of age. The last one, of course, stuck. The only problem is, I still want to be a writer - I'm not there yet. No one's ever been bothered if I stopped or if I continued so my ambition has always been a bit unsteady. But I've finally come to my senses and realised that if I have even the slightest bit of talent in this field, then I'd be a fool not to pursue it. Regardless of whether success comes, my aim is to at least try to get my work out there. I'm still lazy though. I've been meaning to write a short story on the Elementals, which would make this one the third short story for the overall series, but it's been a week and I've barely touched it. I make excuses that it's due to lack of time, but I think I'm just not taking it seriously enough. I'm not in a routine. Once I get back into a routine, I'll be fine. It's just getting to that point which proves to be difficult. I'm so tired! I want to sleep! Why do I never get enough sleep? The Ramadan routine is good - I can squeeze in a bit of sleep during the day. But today I have to take my mother for her doctor's appointment. I'm not sure when I'll get back, but after that I'll have guests over. And then it's time to put my son to bed. And then the fast opens. And then there's a looooooooooong prayer during which I will struggle not to fall asleep. Life! It feels like it's never-ending! It will, of course, end one day. I must try to be positive. I think it really helps to stay positive. I've been trying it since this morning - I tried to speak to my son as a human being, instead of a banshee. It worked for a bit. And then I walked him to the childminder's and he had a massive strop! Boy, that was challenging! I tried so hard to keep calm but he just wouldn't stop. So I yelled. A lot. In public! My God, do children annoy me sometimes! Just thinking about it makes me feel guilty. Anywho, I must go and pick up the little monster now. Good times ahead! Yay... 13:16 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 20:12 I am knackered! I figured I'd do a bit of a counselling journalling while I'm blogging so I'll get that out of the way before moving onto the challenge. I have a physical journal for my counselling but I've not touched it in weeks, if not months. I just can't be bothered to write with a pen and paper (which is probably why I'm so incapable of doing any decent writing; I feel it doesn't work if I'm not behind a computer). Anyways, the tutor gave us all some questions she wanted us to explore in our journals. Our journals are supposed to be private but what the hell. We're studying attachment theory and parenting styles at the moment and today, we touched a little bit on Donald Winnicott's good enough mother (or something like that, I don't even know if "Theory" goes after it or what). From my limited understanding (I was starting to switch off a little bit at that point), Winnicott said that society as a whole could be improved if mothers (or primary caregivers, nowadays) were...good enough mothers. So anyway, the questions the tutor told us to explore were: How was I/am I parented? How has that affected the way I relate to people? And how does that affect my view of myself? My parents were quite strict with my siblings and me, growing up. It was a little bit of "do as you're told" and "don't speak unless spoken to", if I was to try to sum it up. We were expected to be doctors or nurses or dentists or teachers - you know, the good jobs that would make a parent proud of their children. Because that's what everybody aspires to! I don't hold it against them - that was just their expectation of what they had to do as parents, I guess, beyond the basic necessities. But my parents grew up in villages, where life was simple and all they had to do was toil, toil, toil all day. From sunup to sundown, there were tasks to be immersed in. The house had to be cleaned. The fields had to be maintained. The animals had to be released/fed/milked/whatever. Food had to be cooked and for that, fires had to be started. I get the barest taste of that life when I go back to Pakistan, because I go as a guest. Sitting here now, with all the evidence of my entirely different life right in front of me, I do wonder what kind of thoughts my parents must have about my choices and my lifestyle. Coming to the UK was a huge opportunity for all of us - we got to see things we normally wouldn't have. We got to live in a completely different way from my cousins back home. So many doors were open to us just by being here - doors labelled "Doctor" or "Nurse" or "Teacher" or "Dentist" probably. So my parents must feel that we squandered all the opportunities we had. They must feel that we're ungrateful. It's a sad thing, realising these sorts of things for the first time. I suppose I can tie today's challenge into this now. I haven't ever thought of my parents feelings in this way. I never saw before that they may have wanted the best for us, which might not have been available had we stayed in Pakistan. I was of the opinion that my mum just liked to nag a lot. I thought that she would never be satisfied with the person that I am, even though my try my best to be the best person that I can be. Maybe there's some bitterness on her part because I didn't try harder at school, or because the books I read aren't about medicine or dentistry. Maybe she wasn't just nagging - maybe she was trying to impress upon me that I had so many chances to make something of myself, but I never took hold of them. I am very much still parented in this way. My mum likes to remind me often that I should have been things that I am not. It affects the way I relate to people because I don't have a lot of confidence in what I can do - I'm getting better, but very slowly. My dad, I must explain so my next bit has some context, is a very, very confident person. He will say anything to anyone. My siblings - specifically my brother and I (my sister has always been an obedient daughter so she never got any tongue lashings from my dad that I can recall) - were often shown this. My brother doesn't suffer that many ill consequences (he's always been a bit of a rebel and used to leave the house a lot) but I withdrew into myself. I didn't say anything to anyone. I sort of became my dad's antithesis. Where he was loud and sort of the centre of a crowd, I became quiet at the sidelines. Where he would effortlessly scold someone for any wrongs committed against him, I would just hold it all inside, afraid to even defend myself. Where he was opinionated and strict, I kept to myself and was very laidback (in most things - I've discovered that as a parent, I am also quite strict). Interesting stuff, once you get down to it. I could probably carry on all day. I'll quickly finish the last of the three questions and call it a day. This is most likely my longest entry yet! Is anybody still reading?  In regards to the above, how does this all affect my view of myself? I think that's pretty clear. Staying on the sidelines, too afraid to give your opinion in case someone might get angry or hurt by it, is a very lonely place to be. At my core, I think I could be quite a fun and lively person, but that side of me only ever attempts to come out when I'm with my very closest friends, of which there are...two. I'm getting better. I don't bully myself the way I used to. I'm finding it harder to feed myself garbage like "You're the worst person ever" and "Nobody wants to know you" and things of that nature. I'm learning to see myself as just another person, with the same rights as everyone else. 20:51. WOW! That took ages! Apologies! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 12:09 Before I was bogged down with a child, I used to write well into the night. I tried during the day but the feeling was never the same. Of course, a child disrupts one's routine quite thoroughly so for the past three and some years, I've not been writing as regularly as I should and I tried (very badly and without much effort) not to stay awake too late at night. I'm still most motivated at night, but that might just be because I feel that that's the only time I really get to myself. But I guess there's just something about nighttime which sparks creativity in me. It's so quiet and (mostly) still. I feel like I'm alone and can let myself go for a bit. I try to get some writing done during the day, when my son is napping, but there's always something or other to do around the house so those opportunities just pass by. I've tried to write when my son is here with me, but that's impossible! Every two seconds, I have to divert my attention to yell at him to not do something or to put something down Kids! They drive you up the wall! Besides, I don't generally write well during the day. It feels too lively lol. As to the last question on the prompt - what do I do to motivate myself during the slumps? - when it's daytime and I'm not feeling very productive, it's not a slump as much as it is just a desire to reach evening time so I can put my son to bed and get on with my life. I feel like a couch potato when I'm a mom. 12:23 Yippee! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 14:22 Write about my ideal weekend? I don't know what my ideal weekend is. On the one hand, I'd like to be able to stay home without any commitments to other people - like having family or friends come over - so that I can get things done. On the other hand, I never get anything done anyway and I rarely see friends and family so I should stop being anti-social and mingle with people a few times a week. On an ideal weekend, I should get some shopping done (always a challenge!), visit family and not spend hours and hours there, do some writing and some crafty stuff, and sleep well. That never happens! I haven't written anything decent in like a week - or over a week even. I think I should bin my phone as well - it's probably the number one cause of why I never get anything of import done. YouTube is annoying but addictive. Nobody ever contacts me so why the hell do I even have a phone? Why is it so damn necessary to carry a piece of technology with you which fails to enhance your life in any meaningful way? WhatsApp is not meaningful. Neither are Facebook and Twitter. I guess you could say that there are loads of things that become easier with a phone in your pocket, but that's only because you then have an Internet connection in the palm of your hand, right? You have an Internet connection on the computer too and I assume most people have one at home. Even accessing it a few times a day to deal with your stuff should be enough. Somehow an exploration of my ideal weekend has turned into a rant about phones. Of course, these are just my own opinions. I know there are people out there who feel that they couldn't live without a phone. A lot of the times, I rely on my phone too much to pass the time...which is usually why I never get anything done, because I spend way above the time that I initially intended to spend on videos and stuff. Technology makes us hopeless :( 14:37 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:49 Cutting it close today! I've been out a good portion of the day. Anywho, the challenge prompt for today is a stream of consciousness or poem regarding something I do every day. A bit perplexing - if I do it every day, it must be something droll and which doesn't require a lot of thought and effort. Why write about something like that? We tend to skim over the small details, right? How about waking up on a morning? Waking to a child's annoyed cry, With great reluctance do I open my eyes. In that moment, there is no greater loss Than waking too soon from a peaceful rest. I shut my eyes again, Hoping to see that elusive friend, Who only comes when you don't want it to But departs when you open yourself to it. I squandered my youth. I didn't appreciate a good snooze. Now I regret and walk around half-dead, Wondering "Will I ever catch up on my rest?" YES! TEN MINUTES! And before midnight :D ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 13:20 The challenge today asks participants to discuss potential breakthroughs in ageing - specifically, if immortality were possible, what would be the advantages and disadvantages of it? I think immortality is a terrible idea. Us humans are douchebags with the limited time we each have on this planet and we've managed to screw it over plenty as it is. Imagine if just a handful of us douchebags were to be around forever - things just wouldn't be the same! I think if the ageing cure were found, it would initially only be available to those who could afford it - I just don't see it being sold as over-the-counter medicine. So of course, only the rich would have access to immortality. Their lifestyles would just be about living it up, to the detriment of the rest of the people and the planet. There's nothing to say that the fertility of these people would be hampered by immortality so, within a few generations, every job everywhere would be taken up by an immortal - because they can only sustain a party for so long before their funds run out. We normal folks would live at the sidelines, just trying to get some food together to survive. Before long, we'd die out. The immortals would breed and spawn more immortals. Society would just consist of immortals. And then, in a few more generations, after wreaking havoc on the planet even more by waging war on other colonies of immortals to get their food stock (because everything is rapidly dwindling, even the crops they're harvesting), the ozone layer just gives up and leaves Earth to it. We have no protection from the sun. Temperatures go up. Various species of animals - the few that are left - can no longer take the heat and die. The ice caps melt, flooding various countries and taking down a sizable amount of the immortal population. Diseases run rampant. Immortals have been looking into space travel for a long time but nothing ever happened because they now squabble children over who gets to do what. And so the richest among them, the originals, have been secretly developing their own technologies and looking into moving to other planets. They have space travel. They manage to escape, leaving their descendants to slowly perish along with the planet. They land on Mars and begin the whole process over again 13:45 That was fun! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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