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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| The thing that suffers the most when I am using drugs is my creativity. I haven't written a word in four long months...other than emails to friends complaining about this or that. To my poor friends who have suffered my negativity and single-minded monotones of self-pity, I apologise. But, the tide has turned (at least for now) and the creative bubble that has festered inside my mind fog, has, after just one week of not using meth, burst...and so, I will now leave you be, and write...ACTUALLY, WRITE. I love this feeling, and to be honest (which I always am)...and as difficult as this is for me to admit, this feeling beats the hell outta taking drugs, hands down. It's only a shame that it doesn't last, and in three months, I will be yearning for this drug, which robs me of so much. |
| When I am using meth, I don't train...I don't socialise...I don't care about much at all. This IS one of the disadvantages, but ironically, it is also one of the reasons I like taking meth. There, I said it...there are times when I enjoy taking drugs. Those who consider this is a bad way to think about my lifestyle choices can turn away or condemn me for it. It is the truth, and although you will find most of us who use drugs have a history of having been abused...abuse that has usually been perpetrated upon us from a young age, this is not the only reason we choose to use drugs. Those who choose an alternate lifestyle, also get pleasure from taking drugs. This is a very strong driving mechanism to continue to use. It is not all about escaping our past...dulling the negative feelings we have lived with almost our entire lives. I would NEVER recommend anyone to take drugs...for whatever reason...but, there are, and always will be, those who want to escape...who want to be taken out of the norm and find some form of pleasure...pleasure that not taking drugs can never come close to. Yes, this is a double-edged sword...where tolerance creates a cycle of requiring more and more of the drug to achieve the desired high, which inevitably causes the problems we see...the face of the drug taker...scabby faced, pale and pasty...stealing from their own mothers to get their next hit...this is the media produced stereotype we all know and hate. Yes, drugs can and do create problems for those who choose the lifestyle...but, the reality is that you could have a neighbour, a workmate or a family member who uses drugs on a regular basis, and you may have no clue that this is the case. I can tell you as a lifelong user of drugs that there are certain drugs that can and will cause a person to steal from anyone they can to satisfy or more precisely, avert withdrawal. Opioids are one such class of drug that will cause this kind of behaviour. However, most people who don't do opioids, who instead choose stimulants or cannabis, only steal if they were thieves in the first place. After a lifetime of drug-taking, I can categorically say that I have NEVER stolen to support my habit, and most of the people I have come across, who perhaps may be prone to taking advantage of situations, eg; leave your drugs on the table and turn your back and they might consider taking some without your knowledge, but, leave a wallet with cash on the table and most, if not all won't touch a cent (unless they are thieves in the first place and would steal regardless of the drugs). One of the first things I said when I began this blog was that I am not going to BS anyone...it will be honest, no matter who likes or dislikes what I have to say. This is who I am and this was my promise to you. It was once said to me, "Neil, you are an honest person, and at times, brutally so." Nothing has changed. Whether I am using or not, the truth is so very important to me, and I hope that you, as someone who might consider offering me your support, can, at the very least, appreciate this one small aspect of this blog. Yesterday I went for my first bike ride in four months...today, I did my first workout in the same time period. Today, I attended my first session with my Counsellor, who, surprisingly, had no problem with the idea of three months off using, and three months on. Her only comment was she only has a problem with drugs IF they cause problems in the user's life, to which I agree wholeheartedly. I don't know if this radical plan I have come up with is going to work, or if it will backfire right into my face. It might do either, but unless I try something different, isn't it one of the definitions of madness to continue to do something one way, yet expect a different result. I'm not looking for your approval or your condemnation...I am looking to find something that works FOR ME. It may not fit in with others' definition of the correct way, but, unless I try, I will never know. I have made a pact...a commitment to my Counsellor Vicky, to attend my appointments regardless of which cycle I am in, so we can monitor and log the changes and see if this tactic is, as I hope, a way to live without the guilt and shame I feel when I relapse, or a complete bust...in which case we can then look at more traditional methods of therapy. I want to thank all of you who have supported me in the past...to anyone who thinks I am not on the right path with this, and cannot offer me further support, I completely understand and have no issue with your decision to no longer follow my progress. To those who believe I am still in the fight, be it in a different way to what they might expect, and will continue to support me regardless, I promise you total honesty with how I am feeling and where I am headed. Thank you to everyone who has been here for me, even if you have never posted a comment and just read my blog, I can see the numbers and appreciate this small gift you give to me. |
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