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2 Aries butting heads...some much needed perspective |
| This journal represents the person I was, am, try to be -while trying to manage my life in a relationship that is the definition of a roller-coaster ride. |
| I went to see Inside Man this weekend and it was surprisingly good. I thought the previews weren't that great and Denzel seemed to be saying the same things in the same voice - but it turns out he wasn't. Lucky for me. This movie got me and Dave to talking about whether or not a person could be spiritually absolved of serious past transgressions. I mean if you took money from the Nazi's for years and didn't do anything to help people who you considered friends (who eventually died) and years down the line you ended up financially wealthy and tried to "heal" your past by doing all types of charity work and giving money to different organizations, does that make you even? Now I know many people don't believe in God and/or everyone has their own belief but putting that aside for a moment I honestly think that is something almost impossible to free yourself from. Personally I've always been one those people with a terrible conscience. I can't really lie straight without being paranoid that everyone knows I'm lying and I ultimately always end up feeling terrible when situations take a turn for the worse when I know I could have done better or I didn't do enough (my obsession with my upstairs neighbor!). But my conscience is a major reason why I'm so empathetic towards people. At the end of the day you have to live with yourself. If your spirit or soul is really dark I don't think you can really get away from it unless you truly want to repent or change your life and really be brutally honest with who you are. Everything takes work. A lot of work. I'm still learning that everyday. The main reason most people can't keep their New Year's resloution is because they don't want to do the actual work it takes. In the film there is this one part where Denzel tells this cop who's telling him a story to tell him the story minus all of the racial slurs. The man sighs as if this is a tough request. He tells Denzel, he'd rather live as a bigot then not live at all. Now I understand when you have a brush with death you realize how much you were taking for granted and how precious life is...but must we really resign ourselves to being bigots or selfish or angry or whichever mask we switch between depending on the situation? I'm probably not making any sense and that's what happens when I ramble in my head and then try to put my thoughts into words...but go see Inside Man, you're sure to have some insightful conversation (hopefully) afterwards. |
| I'm obsessed with my upstairs neighbor whom I have serious issues with. Thankfully she has to be out of her apartment by the end of the month which will mean the end of ridiculous stomping (on hardwoord floors) and ridiculously loud music. For this I am quite happy about. But the thing is -I'm semi-obsessed with her every move. Ever since she became a nuisance and I began constantly complaining to the property manager I had this habit when I came home from work at night to look up and see if she was there (I usually went by whether or not her lights were on). This has become something I do constantly and I am seriously trying to stop. Its like I have this need to know whether she is home or not. When she isn't home I have peace and quite over head. At times I used to read or watch tv in peace, often forgetting that someone lived over the top of me. Lately though, if she's not home I find myself listening to see if she's come back, wondering if she moved out early, wondering if she is in the process of moving -just constant thoughts on what she's doing. It bothers me that I spend ANY time at all even thinking about her. I mean seriously she is not a nice person. But that's the thing. Maybe she is a nice person and in another situation we'd have been great friends. This is what I do, sit and wonder who I could be friends with. Its sad really. (lol) I know she must be addicted to drama because she is always loudly arguing, or telling someone what their problem is, or cussing, or laughing too damn loud or crying -yes I can hear her way to well which is the problem and the fact that she has no carpet (which is in the lease) and she operates at high volume. She doesn't work and seems to have friends who don't work or talk a lot on the job because she is on the phone from early morning to late at night. I can't get her out of my head! This is someone who I have a temporary restraining order against. Not because of any real fear, but mainly to have paperwork to back me up and mostly to irritate her -which it did...I was privy to that loud phone conversation that included lots of tears. Mind you she hasn't been AT ALL nice to me. In the beginning of this ordeal we tried to work it out amicably. Dave went up there a few times, where she happily invited him in and so forth (Dave is pretty cute) but ultimately I think she got pretty curious about me in a negative way. Unfortunately she is one of those girls who literally have instant problems with the next chick just because they might be pretty or they think that the girl thinks she's pretty (most of us should hopefully think we're cute) or any reason they come up with to instantly dislike you. The moment I answered her banging on my door (definitely couldn't consider it knocking) she decided to be rude and loud from the jump. Just aggressive. I asked her why she had to come off so aggressive therin creating a problem before the previous issue could be resolved. Her response was, that was her persona. Whatever. I just hope that after this entry maybe I won't be so obsessed -though I seriously doubt it. This really bothers me that I've become so focused on what she's doing up there and I hope I can get her out of my mind...we'll see by the end of the month...I'm thinking we might take her apartment once she leaves and then I never have to worry about who's doing what above my head again. |
| I just got through reading my girl Nada'a blog and I have no idea how to paste it here properly, (I could look it up but then I would lose my train of thought) anyway she was talking about wishing she could have taped past discussions with her hubby... at the moment I am nodding my head (in semi-shame, but mainly amusement). The sad thing here is that "yes" I must admit that Dave and I have taped conversations, actually arguments that we've had and believe me it was NEVER helpful. That could possibly be because we are two extremely volatile people at times and unfortunately when one of us gets escalated the other usually responds in the same manner which helps no one, especially not the neighbors  We used to get into arguments about what the other actually said and either he wouldn't believe me when I told him I said something or vice versa. Here enters the tape recorder. This just goes to show you never know whats happening in another person's relationship. We are definitely NOT the ideal relationship -whatever that is. I've found that the tape recorder (at least in my relationship) only leads to other issues and well its just not worth it. |
| I am out of a job ahhhh...the thing is, the job wasn't that great...its not like I want to be an assistant forever, but the way it ended was messed up. I worked for two people and one didn't want to let me go but the other one, she is so scattered brain and she has to have her way. We were pretty close, or so I thought, and basically it wasn't that I wasn't doing a godd job, it was just that the job sort of changed. I worked for an architecture firm and she wanted someone with more of a architecture background (mind you my job description was administrative assistant) of which I do NOT have nor want so obviously I wouldn't be qualified for that. I just wish she had some integrity to be able to tell me herself. (she wasn't there that day) My other boss spoke to me and he basically said he didn't want it to happen but they share an assistant so whatever. I'm mainly upset because that wasn't what I wanted to do in the first place nor as long as I did it and I was far from happy doing it - yet I'm still upset that I'm not at work today. I hate feeling this way but I am determined to use this as a push in the butt to focus on my true goals and start doing work that I am capable of and that makes me happy. My writing class is going well...I'll go from there...luckily I just bought a new computer |
| What is the ideal relationship? I'm sick and tired of the "ideal relationship". Whenever Dave and I have a problem he points to the ideal relationship and how everyone else seems to have it. I'm constantly ranting about how he has no idea what the hell is going on in anyone else's relationship and they have no clue about ours either. There's a lot more to it than whatever he tells them or someone tells him, you never know the full story unless you're in the relationship yourself. Most important rule to remember within a relationship is that you never compare your relationship with anyone else's. I mean really. I'm sick of Dave's egative outlook at times that mentally I just want to give up and just play the role. Act out my part until I can't do it anymore. There are so many other things that I want to focus on in order for me to not resent this relationship later on in my life - more than I already do at times. I envision living alone, with myself and my books and my thoughts and learning to live in my skin. Rolling over in the bed and enjoying the emptyness. Well not really, but I do relish my moments alone and I realize what terrible (not always! terrible that is) work a relationship is. |
| I must be getting old (not really) but this is the first time I woke up and didn't feel extra excited that it was my b-day. Don't get me wrong, I was (am) happy today but ultimately I have this feeling of just another day. Oh well. My time had to come soon. I didn't have a b-day outfit today, which disappointed me, but I didn't really plan to have one either especially since I'm planning on spending a bit of money for clothes and bags and other items for a mini vacation that I'm taking soon. I started my writing class yesterday as well as the training for this new business venture that I'm delving into. I hope to be successful in both. I was quite nervous for the class. It's an online class but I still felt very anxious. Luckily the first lesson was pretty simple but I look forward to the work and am definitely ready. I bought a bookshelf for the books that I already have and am in the process of buying that I have pledged not to read until I get to work on my writing. So far so good. Gotta go...Dave has some plans for me tonight and I'm ready to find out exactly what they are... |
| Passion can give me a rush of adrenaline propelling me to move foward and work hard. It boosts my spirits and gives me the drive to apply to jobs or sit here and work on my writing. Passion allows me to momentarily forget whatever situation I'm fighting to get out of and focus on where I'll end up and how much I'm worth to the world. Passion enables me to continue to have hope and believe that God will have mercy on me and forgive my sins. Passion reminds me that I'm on a journey and failure is a happy and frequent participant. I feel great when I see someone propelled by passion. Jewells is a great example of a passion filled life. Seeing her and what she is trying to accomplish with her show makes me happy for her. At the same time I'm envious. Not in a way where I'm upset at her success but in a way where I wish my turn would come. Sometimes I feel like -what am I doing or what am I missing that hasn't put me on the fast track to reaching my success. Passion can be a mystery in fulfilling. The rewards are endless. Fulfilled passion shows through in a person. They shine. Knowing you are being the person you were meant to be is a success that is hard to find. Passion is dangerous because it can consume you. This is especially true if you're still struggling towards realizing and fulfilling your passion. Passion leaves you open to failure and that can kill your passion. I enjoy passionate writing. Many times I feel as though I can see a passionate writer and someone really writing from their soul. Passionate writing only makes my passion stronger and gives me an added boost to continue my quest to fulfilling my passion. Seeing passion in others is a testament to me that passion does exist and is a powerful determinant in many people's lives and can be in my life as well. This is an excerpt from my OTHER green, beat down spiral journal. (Its funny how I have no problem writing in this journal, I'm too caught up in how pretty my other journal is forgetting that what's inside it is what counts) I decided to read through some of what I had written and I was literally amazed at everything I read. I devoured every word I had written -I laughed in the face of my fear. So many different stories and treatments that I've put aside too afraid to work out the kinks and write the characters that are desperate to come out. One booklet I had put inside my notebook was the beginning of a teleplay that I'd been fiercely passionate about but unable to complete due to my constant self-editing. Re-reading it at this point in my life I almost didn't think I wrote it. I wondered how in the world am I going to jump back in and find these character's voices? At the same time I am inspired and strengthened through the gift of re-connecting with my old work. This was just the boost I needed to know I'm capable of completing myself by putting it down on paper. |
| I bought a brand new, expensive as hell computer and I'm so tickled I don't know what to do. The dinosaur that we used to have was so archaic that the Internet wouldn't work (although we paid for it) because the computer was just too old to handle it. I've been surfing like crazy. This is the first time I've viewed this site at home in a while and I couldn't resist writing something. The fact is, its past my bedtime and I am always in bed by eleven... the elephant above me is making me want to scream...no one walks like that and is unaware of it...patience is a LOT of work...I need to focus |
| I'm back in the gym today. Being out of town had me away from my routine for about a week and I hate doing that because it seems to make me lethargic. Tonight however, is Kwando and I enjoy this class very much. The instructor is tough and I am so competitive that I work really hard and afterwards I feel great... yesterday I didn't write a thing in my journal, although I did stare at it -obsessed with wondering what I should write about. Despite this journal issue, I did get some writing done in another beat down spiral notebook that I use that has so many previous stories and treatments that I've written that I really need to expand upon. I just came up with a possible solution: I was thinking that maybe I would stop reading all novels (fiction/non-fiction) and focus solely on my writing. I figure all the energy and time that I make sure I have to read I now use to write. Of course at the moment I have three books checked out of the library and one on hold.  It's a start. I plan on following through with this plan. Once I really start focusing more on my work then I'll reward myself with a book...we'll see |
| Don't dwell on the book's reception. The point is to get on with it-you have a life's work ahead of you-no point in ddallying around waiting for approval. We all want it, I know, but the point is to reach out honestly-that's the whole point. I keep feeling that there isn't one poem being written by any of us-or a book or anything like that. The whole life of us writers, the whole product I guess I mean, is the one long poem-a community effort if you will. It's all the same poem. It doesn't belong to any one writer-it's God's poem perhaps. Or God's people's poem. You have the gift-and with it comes responsibility-you mustn't neglect or be mean to that gift-you must let it do its work. It has more rights than the ego that wants approval. I've just discovered Erica Jong and what a wonderful discovery she was. She's like a douse of cold water. I'm finshing her newest autobiographical book, Seducing the Demon: Writing for My Life and she really inspires me. I've always felt that no matter if my writing is good or just plain stinks I need it to keep my sanity and to retreat to a place that is mine. She's so honest and blunt. I love it. I can always learn from another's mistakes or understand my own mistakes through another's experiences. Erica made many, but she gained a lot of clarity through the process. I have a journal at home that David bought me for Christmas. I had asked for it and I thought the description of it that I had written for him was extremely vague and I honestly didn't expect to see it on Christmas. Surprisingly he found it. I can't write one word in it. I know its ridiculous. I tell myself its ridiculous. I entertain thoughts of whether I should write in pen or pencil (it came with a pencil). I choose pen. Then I start thinking about what type of pen and what color and how my handwriting changes and how I want to write the same way so that it looks nice and I end up writing absolutely nothing. This is what I go through. It's disgraceful, especially since I call myself a writer of sorts. Tonight I'll see if I can crack open my journal but even as I'm writing this my mind is beginning the onslaught of ridiculous questions that I always entertain....any ideas? |
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