%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |
2 Aries butting heads...some much needed perspective |
| This journal represents the person I was, am, try to be -while trying to manage my life in a relationship that is the definition of a roller-coaster ride. |
| I have a bad attitude right now. Everything is getting on my damn nerves! I just called to change the shipping address of a package I ordered right after I got my new job, because they don't accept personal packages (I find this out after having like 6 things sent there) and I have two last things on backorder. So the place informs me that they can't change the shipping address. This makes no sense at all to me, especially if it hasn't shipped and won't ship for another MONTH! I'm like what the fuck is so hard about changing the address. (I'm irate with this lady, this after telling my experiences with irate callers when I do that type of work - I didn't think if that until I hung up, but I still didn't care because at least I sound nice and helpful on the phone -at least that's what Dave says) The damn thing won't even ship until July but its their damn policy to not change it. And what happens if it gets sent back - well they credit my card and the order is basically cancelled. I could cancel now, re-order (lose my damn discount) and have it shipped where I like. But, hello, I want and need the damn discount! Needless to say, I'm PISSED! Plus I think my company already sent one of my packages back because I got a notice saying it shipped more than a week ago...its this one lady Jacquie, whom I e-mailed and let her know that I got her message about the policy but a few more things were still coming due to the fact that I couldn't change the shipping address...she wrote back she understood (liar!) well actually she said "No, problem!" but obviously there is a problem because she needs to teach me some kind of lesson by sending my packages back. Already pissed, earlier I had asked Dave to take out some ground turket to thaw out. I should have known that he would just take a rock hard package and stick it in the fridge as if I needed it for Friday HELLO! did I have to say can you take out a pound of ground turkey and place it in a bowl of water so that it will be thawed out when I get home...apparently so... then I get home and there's a card from my new neighbor with all these peace and love messages, and prayers and whatever else, (I'm in a bad mood, threw it back on the bed) - apparently I have some mother earth peace and happiness new neighbor, drinking her chai and burning her incense (her words) maybe I'm being a bit harsh, clearly she will hopefully be better than Ms. Ghetto Persona, and she did write a nice note asking for patience while she buys carpets today (mind you I've barely heard her so far)...everything and everyone is just getting on my nerves -luckily Dave isn't here. Speaking of which, he got an interview today, for something he actually wants. (He's turned down things he hasn't been interested in) And I'm excited for him. I hope its going well (it was for 6 p.m.) so we'll see... I really need to pray for patience and mercy and grace... |
| Kelly wrote back. She was very polite and even thanked me for writing her and went on to tell me that she was thinking of me too. She sort of invited me to come by her place during the Odunde celebration next weekend but she never directly answered my invitation about going to see a movie and having lunch. She just sort of gave her own invitation now forcing the ball into MY court. arhg!!! why do these things have to get so complicated? All she had to do was accept or decline my invite or say hey, lets me up before the movie at this thing next weekend. Anyway, I saw that she had written me today (she took about a day and a half to reply) so being the non-adult that I am, I am not going to reply until at least mid-day tomorrow and I guess I'm either forced to accept her implied invite or ask her point blank about the movie...we'll see I was actually able to get up and go to church this morning. I didn't get to sleep until about 5:45 a.m. because I was so wired from my shift. I didn't sign up for any more shifts because I don't really want to work on Sunday... one peculiar thing is that I have to ask people if they live in a home or an apartment (so that I can get the apt. # if applicable) and many people feel they need to announce that they live in a trailer home. I always get slightly taken aback when this announcement comes because I can tell that they are embarassed and I reply with over enthusiam - though I don't think they can tell...the point is I don't need to know you live in a trailer home, if your trailer doesn't have an apartment number than you can keep it to yourself. |
| Has anyone ever seen Girl 6 by Spike Lee? Its with Theresa Rhandle (who has fallen off the radar) and she plays a struggling actress who decides to work as a phone sex operator to pay the bills as she struggles with auditions. I like the movie and the world of a phone sex operator is crazy. I thought it was courageous in a way to do that type of work because its way too embarassing, graphic, sexual, shameful (at least for me!). Plus I like Theresa Rhandle. So anyway I mention Girl 6 not because I work as a phone sex operator (the thought of that is pretty funny because I would suck -no pun intended- as a phone sex operator) but because I do work part-time (or whenever I feel like it) at home taking calls for infomercials.  Yes! people take calls for this stuff at home. I personally had no idea. I came across this website for working at home to make extra money and it appealed to me. Plus in college I worked calling past graduates asking them for donations for the school so I've had some background on the phone with people. This ISN'T telemarketing so I'm not calling anyone. But I must say that the major downside is the "upsells". This is the part where I have to read all the extra "offers" to the customer. Basically trying to get them to shell out more money for additional stuff or upgrades. Whenever I call to order something I am never impolite to the representative though I did get irritated when they would offer me something and I would decline but then they would go on offer me three more things when I declined the first offer -now I completely understand. We HAVE to read these offers -and sometimes its like 5 of them- and unless the caller gets irate, only then can we bypass them. Can you imagine that you have to wait UNTIL they get irate, I mean really -and many times your call is monitored (its true what they say about monitoring)so you must read the script word for word and read all the offers. Its tough. Most of the time callers are pretty patient most likely because they really want what they called in for, but I have had some women who have been close to irate. I get so nervous during these times and try to rush through the script but now I've learned to take my time and breathe and remember that they canNOT see me which makes a difference in my mind because it feels so personal. Okay, I just got back! The calls coming in were crazy this morning. I signed up to do a shift from 2-5 a.m. (I know crazy) but I'd rather work when I know I won't be out though I do have to get up in a few hours for church. My line was busy. The most popular products are the CDs -all those soul ballads and 70s CDs you see advertised are what people call in the most for. I was just talking about Girl 6 and suddenly the last half-hour of my shift I get a bunch of calls for Wild Girls on DVD -the script for this is so embarrasing. I had to offer the men Enhancers! I had to work hard to read the offer professionally without laughing -none of the men opted for the product -big surprise  I am so glad my shift is over though I do get a rush from doing this.My internal dialogue is my biggest challenge and I have to constantly remind myself that these people have no idea who I am and they can only hear my voice, but my very first time I was SO nervous. Reading the upsells is still the worse, but ultimately most people are patient. Thank God. I now know to definitely, always be patient and polite to all phone customer service representatives. Now whenever I call in somewhere I picture the people answering the phone at home lounging in their chairs in their jammies - like me  I had more to say but I'm whipped...need sleep... oh, I hate going to bed when its light out...I like utter darkness, I need to invest in some drapes |
Yesterday I was catching up on e-mails. I finally am in a job where I actually have serious work to do and I don't have time to go online and check e-mail and read blogs during the day. I have to admit I don't work very well as an assistant. Its not that I can't do the work, its just that I hate doing the work. Believe I do NOT in any way look down on assistants in any way (being that I was one and experienced many people looking down at me -not physically though since I'm more than likely taller than the average person  - and acting all surprised when they found out that I had a college degree and actual goals. I mean you would think that administrative assistants were idiots the way people seem to scoff at the position. However they are very much needed.BUT, I am no good as one because I felt like I wasn't moving in the right direction to reach my goal. I always need to have goals ato work towards and as an assistant that's about it. You really can't move any higher than that, especially at an architecture firm where I was previously working. I don't want to be an architect anyway. So I was catching up on my e-mails and my "friend" Kelly crossed my mind. I ran into Kelly at Rite Aid here in Philly and was shocked to see her. I hadn't seen her since highschool, back in Cali when she was heavier with dark brown hair...I was now seeing a very skinny girl with a TERRIBLE blond weave. Mind you I now have locs so I'm sure she was just as shocked. We hugged. She gushed about just graduating from Harvard Law and I congratulated her. She gave me her forwarding e-mail from Harvard - no doubt to mention Harvard at every pause. Fast forward 4 weeks. I've e-mailed Kelly about 4 times, checking and re-checking the e-mail she gave me to no avail. I give up. So Dave and I are walking in the musuem area with my friend Amy's baby Sabrina, who is just a doll. And who do we run into, none other than bad weave Kelly. She's with a friend from Boston who came to visit her and she's showing him around. I told her about my attempted e-mails, this time I gave her my e-mail and put the ball in her court. Mind you I'm still not convinced that we should re-connect. Kelly and I used to hand pretty tight my sophomore year in highschool. We were different but somehow we formed a friendship because we both had sarcastic humor and wit and we didn't care about what people thought of us. We weren't unpopular, just not caught up in trying to act and dress a certain way. Plus my parents weren't buying me all the chic stuff anyway -they had four kids. Anyway by senior year Kelly and I had drifted apart but we still spoke and weren't unfriendly with each other. I was closer to some other girls but when most of them started looking to Laurice as the end all be all and wanted me to do the same I parted ways. I am nobody's follower. So Laurice makes it her mission to try and get people against me and I'm graduating this year (they weren't) so I cared -not at all. I basically chilled independently doing my thing. Our school was right near the beach and so many times I took lunch off campus and classes were a breeze. I had been accepted to college so high school was off my radar at this point. I'm in line to get a drink and Laurice and her crew are further up. I see Kelly coming up and I smile and say hi and she walks by me completely ignoring me, obviously having heard me and then proceeds to gush to Laurice. This is someone she could have cared less about, at least when we hung tough. She was clearly trying to make a point, but I was just confused by her behavior. I was personally shocked. And that was my last interaction with her before running into her in Philly. She e-mailed me and invited me to a cook-out but it was cancelled due to the weather. It has now been several months since we last "spoke" so yesterday I e-mailed her asking her to lunch and to go see The Devil Wears Prada when it comes out. I figure we have a few weeks before it comes out (I think it comes out June 30th) and she has time to check her schedule. I don't know, I'm not holding any serious grudges (it was highschool) but I am interested to see what kind of person she has turned into...I mean she sports a terrible blond weave when she has "good" hair with nice length. I wonder what Harvard did to her other than giving her a good education... |
| Dave came downtown and we had lunch together, which is not something that we do often at all.... We had falafel's which are so good and so healthy and we sat on a bench watching the water...as we sat all of these young kids came marching up with big signs chanting "What do want! Peace! When do we want it? Now!" It was very cute (they ranged from age 4-10), though I'm not sure it will make a very big impact on the outside world, I'm sure its good for them to participate and learn a little about protesting and activism... We were both in good moods...it is Friday after all so far no plans for the weekend, though I still need to buy a bike. |
| Okay Dave and I need another computer. Or he needs to get a job soon. Or I need more patience or something. Basically I get home after work and I have ideas in my head about things I want to go online and do. Visit this site, go to the other sites -mind my business. I'm so busy at work that I don't really have time to go online so in my head I plan to do it at home. This would be an obvious choice. The thing is when I get home Dave is ALWAYS on the computer. Always! I mean you have all day to look and apply to jobs and send e-mail and look at pictures and download superman screensavers to the computer - do I really have to ask you to use the computer? I hate feeling like he's doing me a favor letting me use the computer as if he hasn't had ALL day to be on it. I think I'm also a little irritated that he hasn't found a job and he could be working doing what he knows best, but he's tired of that and wants something new. Okay, I'm all for something new and being excited about your work but can we be a little realistic here? Clearly you're starting school in three months and well money is necessary. On top of this I bought the computer and so at times I'll feel like this is MY computer - I mean really. We haven't really transitioned properly or fully into the what's mine is ours and what's his is ours - for the most part we split things right down the middle, but at times like with the computer I'll pay separately because Dave doesn't have it (and in some cases is too cheap to spring for it)...I think I have an inkling of why many marriages end in divorce due to money issues... |
| I feel like I've been gone forever! But not quite, just in Virginia Beach. The water was fabulous, the sun was hot and boy did I get tanned (with plenty of sunscreen on)! ANd when we got back to Philly boy was it HOT! Well that's how I like it, minus the humidity. I have so much catching up to do on my favorite blogs and e-mails but I needed to stop by and make it known that I am still alive. Also, for those of you who are tired of the drama between my upstairs neighbor and myself I apologize in advance (but hey this is my life) because I have some more news on that front....here it is from a friend in an adjacent building who e-mailed me...(lol, she is very dramatic if you couldn't tell with the exclamation marks!) this girl is moving in with her mother..who also lives there in your building!! And..this girl is pregnant!! I was told that the brother is living with the mother also..so this is a grand mess!! The mother wanted everyone to feel bad about this business..but really..Management did her a favor..by letting her move into one of their units..because this girl has bad credit..and could not get a Apt. anywhere..and her mother had to pay them one years rent..as collateral..in order for her to stay there!! I do have connections..and if this is the same person that I believe it is...then...this is the way the story goes!! It's more involved then this even!! okay so this is too much like a soap opera...LOL...but I couldn't help the drama....I admit that I can be too nosy for my own good... I will however post pictures as soon as I get my $1500 yes that's right, my $1500 computer back ontrack. I can't believe that I've had so many problems with this computer in less than three months of having it... p.s. also more to come about my trip and how much a man Dave needs to prove himself to be.... |
| I admit I have a horrible, terible time telling Dave I'm sorry. Its really twisted and messed up but I really have a problem spitting the words out. I'll have them right there on my tongue ready to be said and then they get stuck and I can't even force them out and sadly to say I re-think the situation to go over if it was my fault and I find that it was (absolutely) and I'm still stuck. Big SIGH I can't explain my thought process. Its like I hate to admit that I'm wrong but not really. Because when I tell him -okay I was wrong- in a smart alecky or sincerely or angrily way I can't seem to manage the apology. On the other hand Dave is a great apologizer. I used to believe that he just always apologized so that he could later point out that he always apologizes to have that over me (which he does sometimes) but truly Dave apologizes so sincerely and from the heart that to hear him apologize at times makes me feel so bad because its extremely rare for me to do it so sincerely. I know that sounds bad but its the sad truth. Many times when I'm wrong about something I'll think in my head very sincerely about what I want to say and how I want to say it and when I sum up the courage to say it -suddenly I get angry or I start to mumble and it comes out like I'm some child whose parents just forced them to apologize to a playmate. Then I feel embarrased at my horrible apology and get angry to cover that up (sigh) poor Dave he's learned to except these not so great, should be so much better apologies. Dave and I communicate so differently. He says something and I hear something different and vice versa. When we finally are able to spell out what we both meant -therein lies the problem. The other day on the way to chuch I was going to drive my car because I had a party to go to afterwards. Now I couldn't find my insurance papers and finally I gave up. Dave was helping my stick on my new registration stickers and I told him I was worried about not having my insurance in the car and that maybe I shouldn't drive. He says well if you have your new stickers on the they shouldn't have a reason to stop you. I'm still lingering, unsure and he asks me what did I plan to do if I didn't drive. Now I took that to mean, you're not driving my car if that's your plan B. So I snap at him and say angrily -whatever I'll drive you don't have to worry. And he's like what? What do you mean? So I tell him, well if I don't drive my car then I'd have to take yours...and he says...oh okay, I was just asking. So as we drive to church, separately I'm thinking about the situation and I realize that David really meant no harm when he asked me that and I suddenly got defensive and mean acting as if he was in the wrong. I started to feel bad because he had just been telling me about this kind of behavior and I had no idea what he meant until I was actually in the situation. So I come up with this heartfelt apology in my head, because I really did feel bad, and I practiced what I would say in my head and everything. I wanted to surprise him. So we get there and he meets me as I get out of my car and I choke on the words I meant to say, but I want to say something and I manage to sincerely get out "Sorry for snapping at you." And he looks at me and smiles and says that's okay. Mind you, I had so much more planned to say, but what can I say, I'm a work in progress... |
| I have nothing really to say at all...I'm at work on my lunch break...I'm waiting for this weekend because we're going to Virginia Beach with friends and I'm so excited to go to the beach and I've been working on my beach body for a minte now. This week is the final week where I work extra hard at the gym and try to get some final toning before the weekend... I was going to try and eat so very healthy -possibly not eat (yeah right!)in order to make this week really have an impact along with the gym BUT this morning someone brought in donuts and I gorged on 5 of the Dunkin Donuts balls -you know the little round donut things...anyway I've always said it takes a lot of discipline and a serious image problem to be anorexic or bulimia because I couldn't do it, I love to eat waaaayyy to much plus I love having body -curves are always in in my book... so I went to try and fix my car this weekend and I got a new battery put in which was on warranty but the battery wasn't the problem nor the alternator, or the starter...it seems to be an electrical problem. So this morning before work I drive to the shop that handles electrical problems and they tell me its at least (maybe more) $68 to do an electrical diagnostic test to check all the wiring and just find the problem and see if there's an electrical problem at all...and I'm like $68!!! I need to do some price comparisons before I hand out $68, though I do love my 1988 Honda Accord (scooter) that brought me from Cali to NY in 3 days with no problems and is still go strong...I'll try and have her up and running by the summer |
| I'm a complete hypocrite and liar. Lately I've been thinking about the future and where I'd like to be in five years. Editor, married, kids not sure which order (well marriage before kids) but within the five years, not five years from now. Dave is going back to school in a five year program and we've been together for four years. Not four easy years no four tough, volatile, loving, funny, happy, volatile up and down learn a lot about ourselves but joyous years. The thing is I've been thinking I don't want to wait another five years to be married. I'm not trying to rush but in my head I was thinking about me and Dave and our 4 years together and how we need to know some things at this point because five more years without a secure vision of our future (where we're on the same page) seems to me to be a total waste. So this has been on my mind... And apparently on Dave's mind as well. Yesterday he wanted to talk but he was all fidgety and worried looking and he wanted us to promise not to get mad and blah blah blah and just stop if we got angry so of course that gets my attention and I'm like why would I get angry what do you have to say???? So he starts with asking me questions: do I love him? yes why? just tell me what you feel and stop trying to gauge my feelings first (I'm getting irritated) why? gave quick explanation are you in love with me: yes so if I asked you to marry me you would say yes? huh? then: how he's been thinking about school, us, his life, how many his friends (and many of mine) have gotten married or are engaged and this just had him really thoughful.... me: okay so what are you trying to say? him: what do you mean, just that, that I'm thinking about all of these things.. me: okay, spit it out...I get that you're thinking about these things but what do they have to do with me? him: obviously you're part of my life so it has to do with me me: DAVE stop skirting the issue get to the SPECIFIC point of your thoughts and what all these thoughs mean in relation to me Bottom Line: Finally fed up I'm like okay do you love me? he says yes are you in love with me? HUGE hesitation - then I say okay I have my answer its no him: no its not, I think about that a lot and it wavers... me: it WAVERS!! you do not waver whether you're in love with someone after four years, you either are or you aren't, its a yes or a no him: its not that simple me: whatever (this argument about it being a black and white issue continues for me a minute -clearly I'm right) I won't continue this long diatribe but basically I kept my cool (sort of) and played as if I really didn't care and I was like well you know what that's cool. I mean you have to be honest with yourself and know what you want (him:its not about what I want) WHAT!!?? of course its about what you want...you're thinking about if you want me to be in your life (him: not true, of course he wants me in his life) well I feel like you're trying to back track -he thinks that I'm focusing on the wrong thing... hmmm, I'm focusing on the fact that you're not in love with me (him: no I am) okay do NOT try to change your answer based on my response that makes it even more clear Then I get up and announce that I'm going to bed and I appreciate his honesty and he's begging me not to trying to convince me otherwise but bottom line I am hurt to the core. He's now trying to tell me he wanted to talk with me about the future and where we both saw ourselves...and I'm like well clearly you don't see yourself with me....despite his vigourous protests I felt horrible and I still feel bad and him trying to tell me how much he loves me and blah blah blah all last night and into this morning did not take away the hurt.....I feel like distancing myself from him...that's what I usually do to protect myself in situations like this and I hate having been so vulnerable.... Why am I a hypocrite and liar? - well I've wondered and thought about whether Dave is the one for me and if I want to marry him or not...I've struggled and thought especially due to some of our lowest points but ultimately if asked (like last night) I would say that I am in love with Dave because I am, when he hypothetically (of course) asked if I would say yes if he asked me to marry him the first thing that came to my head was please don't ask me, so there is some fear there because that is such a big step... But I guess hearing someone else's candid and not purposefully hurtful thoughts was a shock. so many times I think that only I'm allowed to think things like that and if asked I don't think -no I KNOW I wouldn't be honest and candid like Dave was but say things to make the other person feel better... I guess our relationship is up in the air (at least in my mind)...at least as far as the future is concerned |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
