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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| Have you ever eaten a fish head? Me neither! However, during dinner on Saturday night (at a table of 10) fish head was offered as a ritual to celebrate the head of the year. Apparently, there were people with a calf head on their dinner table. Cooked fish heads were bad enough. There may just be some traditions that maybe should be let go or changed a bit. So my Saturday was busier than my Friday. The first day of Rosh Hashanah. I got up early at six like I normally do on Saturdays when I stay at my daughter's house and got dressed and ready for Shul. I am sure that my host, S, was not excited about my early morning routine. We arrived to shul quite early. I don't think she knew what to do so early in the morning with a stranger in the house. The service was long and there weren't very many people in attendance. I moved up to someone else's seat (there was a seating chart for the regulars) because my assigned seat was further back, and no one else was around me. The amazing ladies didn't like me sitting alone, so I was asked to move up. The shofar was not blown on the first day of Rosh Hashanah because it was also Shabbat. I guess this only happens once every ten years (I overheard). The service was still beautiful and heartfelt. I had my host telling me what was going on through the service because it was different from the other services I attended. Every service the Torah is read. During the holiday services, the readings are auctioned off. Congregation members pay quite a bit of money to have the privilege to go up and read the Torah aloud. Of course only the men go up in the Orthodox community. I know it is not a popular opinion, but I think that is the way it should be. Men and women are different and have different roles in the home, in society, and in the shul. I read a lot about the service and understand why people said to wear comfortable shoes. Mine were cute but comfortable, at least on the first day. It wasn't cold at all, which was nice, because it wasn't hot either. The Rabbi who glows gives a little message, sermon, or whatever you want to call it during the service. I already have heard some of the stories he tells or heard stories like them, but there is always something that he says that resonates with me and touches me. There is always some nugget of wisdom that sticks out that I can't forget. After service, I went to the Adorable Rabbi's house for lunch. His wife is a wonderful woman and so sweet. She was a great cook too. I tried a little bit of everything. I had my first gefilte fish. It was surprisingly good. As someone who has always avoided fist because of the taste, I could eat it and enjoy it. I actually liked all of the fish dishes that were made. I had my second drink of wine (in many years) at the lunch. It was a good wine that I wouldn't have a problem buying and drinking, and I don't drink. There were three courses (after the kiddush and the challah). It was a lot of food. After talking with a large group of strangers, hearing stories, watching children run around, and eating more food than I should have, I left back for my host's house a little after 5. This was not the end of the day though. There was still dinner! Yes, I went to a third stranger's house in two days for dinner, the fish head house. I had met the lady and her husband the week before and they are the ones that set me up with my host. They are the kind of people that you are thankful to have as friends because they bring so much joy to every relationship. I was able to help prepare help which was nice. It felt good to be useful and not just stand around or sit and watch everyone else do so much work. It wasn't awkward for a moment, which was quite unexpected. They set up candles so the lady of the house could light, then my host lit two, and then I was able to light two candles as well. If you've read any of my previous entries, you know how much the lighting of the candles means to me. This was two nights in a row that I was able to light candles. My heart was full. There was so much food. Remember that I had eaten so much food at lunch (with a few of the same people interestingly enough). I had to try the things I have never eaten though. I had matzo ball soup for the first time. I have been wanting to make it, but haven't had the chance with my busy schedule. I had two types of kugel, apricot (my favorite) and potato. They had non-dairy ranch dressing. I was so excited to be able to have a salad with non-dairy ranch dressing. I found some the other day at Meijer and picked up a bottle, but hadn't had the chance to try it yet. Again, there was multiple courses. However, being the first night of Rosh Hashanah, there were certain things that were necessary to do eat and say a blessing on. We had challah with honey (like I did at the Adorable Rabbi's and at dinner the night before). We had an apple dipped in honey. We had a carrot (forgot why). We had a fresh date. We had celery with raisins (to symbolize a raise in salary - get it?). We had pomegranate seeds. I think I'm forgetting something. All of these small things were before the meal and all of them had meaning and a brucha (blessing). Of course there was the fish heads to represent the head of the year (not the tail). I passed on that (really gross!). Fish heads aside, all of the food was amazing. And the desert was amazing too. We ate a starfruit before desert because we needed to eat a fruit that we had not eaten in a long time. I'm too tired to remember why, but it was important. There were different tribes of Jews at the table so some traditions differed. Sephardic Jews have different customs that Ashkenazi Jews. Listening to the discussions was a learning experience. There were long discussions on traditions and reasoning, but what I love about it is that it was all friendly and accepting of each other's differences. Discussions were about learning about each other and learning about each other's differences. It was always friendly. Being a teacher, I can compare it to two teachers who teach the same lesson and discuss how they teach the same material differently. Neither is wrong, just different and both accepted. I won't get into the comparison between the amazing people sitting at the table and those that I have eaten with at church. There is no comparison. If you were to define yourself with the company you keep and people you surround yourself with, I would choose every person at that table Saturday night without question. They may all live a bit differently and have a few different traditions, but when it came time to pray or sing to G-d, they were the same and had the same enthusiasm. They have the same morals and beliefs. You certainly can't say that with Christianity or any other religion for that matter. Every moment I spent with them made me wish I never had to leave. I did finally leave the house with my host and went back to my host's house well after midnight. They were still there eating and talking. I believe it was after 1:30 am before I climbed into bed. It was a long, amazing and unforgettable night. This is not the end. There's still day two of Rosh Hashanah. |
| Happy New Year! Yes, it is the Jewish new year! I just ended my first ever Rosh Hashanah. It was three days of prayers, rituals, celebrations, and an amazing amount of food. Since it is very late on Sunday night, I am going to talk about my Friday night. Since there is so much to tell, I will add more about the weekend over the next couple of days. I worked Friday until about 4 and then rushed to my car and drove the three hours to the community that I am slowly becoming a part of to have dinner with someone I had met the week before and stay at her house. Yes, for the first time in my life, I stayed at a stranger's house. It was as awkward the first night as anyone would expect it to be. I made it to her house about fifteen minutes before we were to light candles. Her family (extended) was there. I sat at the table of a stranger with her mother, brother, and sister-in-law. We did kiddush (a prayer over wine or grape juice), and I realized that it was real wine a bit too late. However, with the awkwardness of the night already, I didn't say anything and finished off the glass of wine. It was actually helpful. I don't remember if we lit candles before or after the challah, but I thought it was very thoughtful that she had two candles out for herself to light, two for her sister-in-law to light, and two for me to light. We then said our bruchas (blessings) together. Because it was a holiday and it was the new year, it was technically the first time that year that we had lit candles, so they helped me through a new brucha (blessing) for the experiencing a first. The challah was a honey challah because of the holiday. Honey is added to almost everything, "to have a sweet year." It was a honey wheat and it was delicious. The lady, S, that I stayed with is vegan, so all of the food we ate was meatless. I tried everything. The salad, the beans, and more. It was all very good. It was the first meal I had eaten that day besides a bagel. I had a very busy day and worked through my lunch. Dinner was perfect. Of course her family knew I was arriving and that I am converting. This, of course, meant a lot of questions. I don't know that I can answer all of the questions that everyone asks, but so far, questioning starts the same way. What made you want to convert to Judaism? The simple question of why does not have a simple answer. There is no one thing. There is not a day that I woke up and said, "Oh, I think I'll become Jewish today." No, it was a long process that took years of questioning who I was, my life, my beliefs, my relationship with G-d, my family, my history and my family's history. And then there was the slow letting go of what I knew was wrong and the gradual step toward what I knew was right and where I knew I needed to be. My steps are no longer little or gradual. I to the point of meaningful and purposeful steps with a lengthened stride and holding back on the desire to sprint because I know there are still miles to run. We did a lot of discussion about Judaism, traditions, and the new year. My host's brother asked what year it was (5084) and then said, "I just got used to writing 5083 on my checks." I thought it was a clever joke. Obviously no one writes that date on their checks since the world runs on the secular calendar. It's not funny when I explain it, I know, but I laughed. They were happy to have met me and left after 10pm. I helped my host clean the table, we talked for a short amount of time, and then we went to bed. There were some things that she did differently. She did not have lights turned on throughout her house. She said she normally just walks around in the dark. I hadn't heard of anyone doing that, because I heard that the lights being on in the house symbolized the fact that Jews were a light to the world showing G-d's light. There was a lot of differences between her house and the other two houses that I visited this weekend. I will talk more about that tomorrow. Have a great night! |
| You know when you have so much to say that you don't know where to begin and what all to include? I had so much happen over the weekend that I couldn't write it down. I had to organize my thoughts. Friday I missed candle lighting. I didn't make it to my daughter's (A1) down state until after dark. She wasn't there to light the candles. I was sad that they weren't shining. There is a special feeling that I can only describe as a kindling of part of the soul that doesn't shine when they're not lit. I will get to see them lit this weekend, but more of that later. Saturday my daughter, A2, woke early and dressed to attend shul with me. I was excited to take her because I knew she would enjoy it. We left on time to make it at the perfect time. Unfortunately, I did not say the Wayfarer's Prayer before I left and things did not go well. There was a long traffic jam in a construction zone. My car was about to overheat so I had to pull onto the very tiny shoulder of the road and let it cool down. I babied to a safe pull off spot and finished letting it cool down. It took over a half hour. We were very late for shul. I was sad because she missed a lot. We arrived during the reading of the Torah. The lady who has talked me every week came and made sure we knew what page we were supposed to be on. I looked at other people's books to find out where we were exactly. I knew the portion so knew where to start looking, but it was helpful to find out what verse in that portion we were on. She asked a lot of questions during the service. She seemed overwhelmed by the amount of things happening, though she didn't say that was so. During the kiddush luncheon, she was able to meet a lot of people including my American Rabbi and the Rabbi who glows. After meeting them she understood my descriptions. She was able to see men dancing in a circle singing (due to celebrating a wedding that had occurred earlier that week) and a man get lifted in a chair. She smiled a lot. When we left, she said, "It looked like they were having fun, and I enjoyed watching them." That was it. Quite a flat and disappointing answer. During the kiddush luncheon, I met a lot of new people when one heard that I was only coming on Saturday and driving in my normal 2 and a half hour drive and that this would be my first Rosh Hashanah. Word actually spread quickly, and I was offered multiple places to go so I could attend all of Rosh Hashanah. I am now spending the night at a stranger's house Friday night to experience my first Erev Rosh Hashanah with a Jewish family. I actually get to witness in person another woman lighting the candles for her family and welcoming in the Shabbat! I am excited to experience it for the first time, and they will get this counted as a mitzvah. Win, win! I'm nervous about spending the night though. I will then attend the first day of services and spend dinner at either the Rabbi's house, or if they forgot, I another stranger's house. I feel so blessed to be a part of this community. I love the people that I have met and finally feel like I'm where I belong. Every weekend it gets easier to think about letting go of my current life and living one as an observant member of that community. So my Hebrew teacher, GZ, helped me a lot this week to prepare of Rosh Hashanah this weekend. He went over the Parsha with me in Hebrew and explained it to me. I'm hoping that I won't get as lost because of his help. He then explained what Rosh Hashanah means. We have already gone over the fact that rosh means head, but I didn't piece it into the name of the holiday until he explained it to me. Rosh means head, the ha when put at the beginning of a word means the, and shanah means year, so Rosh Hashanah means head of the year. I also have a friend, L, who is giving me a lot of advice and helping me understand the different aspects of the services, traditions, and prayers. It's nice to have so many people help me understand. I'm excited (and nervous) about this important holiday that I get to experience for the first time in my life. I'm grateful that I get to experience it with others. Thank you Hashem. |
| It is Tuesday which means I made my challah dough and put it in the fridge. On Thursday night, I will bake my challah to use for Shabbat on Friday night. I can no longer make it on Friday morning because of work. Pictures of my challah that I made one weekend are posted below. I was asked what I am going to do about observing Shabbat when the days get short, and the honest answer is, "I don't know!" I don't know how I am going to keep up with my job and my studies. I don't know how I am going to keep driving to shul (5 hours of driving) each week. I don't know how I am going to be able to prepare the house and dinner before Shabbat starts when I might have only an hour between the time I get home and candle lighting. I just don't know. I don't know how I'm going to participate in Yom Kipper. Yom Kipper is Sunday night and Monday. I work Monday. I have students testing that day. How can I go to shul (5 hours of driving) and participate in activities when I have obligations? Honestly, there's a lot that I don't know. I'm just going to keep learning and trying my best to serve Hashem and grow closer to him, because I love him. I know Hashem is leading me and I'm following. Because of this, I know if it is his will, I will figure it out and it will work out. I hope you like my challah bread. It does taste as good as it looks!  |
| As I have shared my decision to convert to Judaism with friends, family, and others, I have been told a lot of things. I have been told that I have been lied to. That I am being misled. That I am going to Hell. That I am denying Jesus so he is going to deny me in Heaven. That I am running from Christianity towards legalism. However, I just think about days like this weekend and what others say doesn't matter. When my daughter lit the Shabbat candles in her home because I was still driving and had not arrived. They were lit when I arrived. Her sister asked if she had to use fake candles and she said, "No," but that she did it for me (I love them shining all of Shabbat). My heart was full. The love and kindness that my girls showed me would warm the heart of any parent. They also enjoyed playing dress up with me as I tried on different outfits for Shabbat (why is in an earlier entry). They even picked out my shoes! I am very blessed. I arrived early for Shabbat. Arriving early is harder than arriving late because so much is going on that it hard to tell when service actually starts. I was able to figure it out and was able to follow along with the Hebrew reading much easier than previous weeks. Unfortunately, I am a slow reader and even the Chazzan's singing of the text is faster than I can read. I also cannot do the responses in the necessary allotted time like others can. There was one woman who read so quickly during our time to read a response aloud that I couldn't focus on my own text, not that I would have been able to finish before the Chazzan continued. My Hebrew has greatly improved though. I can read the Hebrew, and when I get behind, I can find where the Chazzan is at by reading the text in Hebrew (what the Chazzan is speaking) and catch back up. I could not do this a couple of weeks ago. My Hebrew seems to be getting better a noticeable amount every week. I however, do need to work on my verb conjugations which I have not done. I have been spending a lot of time reading silently and aloud in Hebrew and using a vocabulary list to find words in a paragraph, but not enough time on the conjugations I need to do. The High Holidays start in a couple of week beginning with Rosh Hashanah. Booking a seat in shul is required during the High Holidays because those who don't attend regularly attend during that time. During kiddush lunch, the main Rabbi's wife (I call him The Adorable Rabbi) asked me to sit by her and we talked a lot. It is always very loud in there (because everyone is so social), but even though I had to ask her to repeat herself a few times, we talked for a long time. We talked so long that the people I normally have talked to since attending, I didn't even get to say hello to. We just waved across the room. She then invited me to lunch after shul on Rosh Hashanah. It is an extra long service and there is no kiddush afterwards. I don't normally eat very much during the kiddush luncheon because of my long drive home. I don't want to have to use the bathroom and not be near one. She told me to bring my appetite. I guarantee at that time, I won't have a choice but to eat. I will be hungry. I will have to worry about what that will mean for my drive home and plan on using gas station bathrooms. Not happy about that thought, but it was nice being invited. Since that invitation is two weeks away, I can't help but wonder if she will forget that she invited me. A long list of "what ifs" go through my mind that I try to brush aside, but it is hard. Remember that I am new to this community and I don't know these people beyond class online and a few hours of lunch chat. I am not only converting to a new religion, I am entering a community full of its own rituals and behaviors, and I am just trying to fit in and belong. As I look forward to the upcoming holidays, school is starting tomorrow. My ability to balance everything is going to be challenged since I have done nothing this month except think about Judaism. As the craziness of my schedule starts, I have one thing to look forward to this Saturday. My youngest daughter, A2, is joining me for shul. Have a wonderful week everyone! |
| I have to admit that I am struggling with a couple of things and I need to correct my thinking and my feelings. With school starting and PD's, setting up my classroom, open house, preparing lesson plans, and preparing for crochet club, and setting dates for volunteering for sports boosters, I am missing classes with Chabad Academy. Though they are posted online, I miss attending the class. When I am attending in person, my mind is overwhelmed with all that I need to do but am not doing at that moment. I need to find a way to adjust my thinking to keep learning and attending my evening classes and watch day time classes on YouTube. G-d knows that I am doing this conversion while still having a full time job and community commitments. If G-d knows this and wants me to this conversion (which I know he does), then I should trust that I can balance these things and miss out on some things I want and enjoy (live classes) to fulfill my other commitments that I also love (teaching, tutoring, and volunteering). My second problem that I am working through emotionally is my job itself. I love my job. I love where I work and who I work with and the students in my school and the community that I serve. I have great relationships with many students and parents and they are excited to have me again this year. I love my schedule this year and am extremely excited to teach every class. I love tutoring after school and seeing the faces of students when they understand a concept that they were struggling with. I'm excited to continue being class advisor and work with the class of 2028 on class activities and fundraisers. I am happy to mentor to a teacher that is hired in full time (subbed all last year) and is taking over the classes that I taught the past two years. I love Crochet Club and being a part of a club that in only 4 hours a week can be a safe place for students to be themselves, decompress, for new friendships, create things for themselves, learn new things, and create things together that they give back to the community. I'm also excited about being department chair because that automatically puts me on the school improvement team. I'm one of those weird people who enjoy giving ideas for improving things in the building and the district. With all that I am doing at work and taking on new roles, I feel guilty knowing that I intend to leave at the end of this year, because I don't see how I can move to a Jewish community and continue working where I currently work. I know I shouldn't feel this guilt, because I know I am doing the right thing in moving. I also know that I am where I am supposed to be for this year, and that means I am supposed to give my all and do my best to serve my community and G-d. My feelings are so mixed. I am excited to move to the community with people that I am building a bond with to learn and grow closer to G-d, but I am heartbroken at who I am leaving behind to do this. Another thing I am struggling with sorting out is relationships with friends and coworkers. I am still working to rebuild a relationship with the friend that was angry and said hurtful things last school year when she found out that I am converting. We have been doing well over the past few days. I was hoping time apart for the summer would help her settle her feelings towards me. It seems to have helped. We carpool some days and that means her exposure to my choice of music is constant. My decision to convert is in our conversations because it is my activities throughout the week, it is in my talking about my classes and Hebrew lessons (and we follow each other on Duolingo so it's there too!), and it is in my playlist that I play when I drive. I love her. She is my friend and I want our relationship to be a good one. I know it will not be what it was before, nothing is what it was before, but it can still exist and thrive and grow. I really want that. One last thing I need to work through is how some of my coworkers see me now. I worked with a couple ladies during summer school and one was asking questions about my food choice during our PD lunch. I told what I was going to eat and why. She was asking questions (she knows about my conversion) and another teacher overheard our conversation. He rolled his eyes and shook his head. As she was being both curious and making fun, he was being judgmental. It was awkward. Am I now the butt of other people's jokes? Have I always been? Should I even let it get to me since its not going to chance my decision or influence it in any way? I knew life would change when I made this choice. I knew my relationships would change when I made this choice. I also knew that I would grow as person when I made this choice. All I can say is, "Hashem, my rock and keeper of my heart, may all that I say and do this week bring you glory." |
| When I toured the shul with my American Rabbi, he said that there were children everywhere, and he was not joking. There are literally children everywhere. They are in shul, they are downstairs, they are in the parking lot, they are on the playground, they are in their parents' arms, they are giggling in the hallways. They are everywhere and they are all happy. One of the children, a six year-old girl, helped me with what after meal prayer I needed to pray. I had met her last week and she sat next to me at the table while I was talking with another lady that I had met last week. I bet the little girl knew the prayer by heart as well as which prayer to pray. I was truly amazed. I don't think my parents ever taught me anything about praying growing up. There is one problem that i realized I had yesterday during the luncheon. Normally, when I go to a place with new people, I watch the people and see who is a good person to sit by and get to know. I can't do that strategy at shul. Everyone is wonderful and fits into the, "I'd love to talk to you" category. I know I could go up to anyone with an empty seat and ask to sit and they would let me. Then they would talk to me and be friendly. It's weird for me to have that issue. I've never encountered an enviornment with so many good people. It's a good problem to have. After shul this weekend, I was exhausted from the long drive and overstimulation of the service and meeting new people. I had a two hour nap. When I awoke, I realized that it had been over a week since I had read from my books. I opened the one by my bed and read about family purity rules between husband and wife, the mikvah and expectations for women, and family purity between parents and children. If there are things that make Jewish families unique, family purity is one of those things. The rules for family purity make complete sense. Sex during a woman's period is disgusting. The extra length of time and the immersion into the mikvah make it Jewish and a very spiritual act with much meaning. Family purity is just another reason to love Judaism. |
| There are days that I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin. Since I have to mess up something every Shabbat, let's start there. I have to admit that most of Shabbat went rather smoothly and I had a wonderful restful Friday night. I did, however, realize that I was out of grape juice only an hour before candle lighting. I also didn't have eggs (which I needed to make dinner) and a couple important small items. I went to the store at 7pm. Candle lighting was at 8:09. I was not going to get dinner finished before lighting candles. I started dinner anyway because my daughter was home for the first time to witness and participate in my Friday night candle lighting and Shabbat dinner. I lit the candles on time, but continued to finish cooking dinner after lighting the candles. A big fail. My second failure was laundry. It was not done before dinner and I finished it after. Working on Shabbat is another failure. Those two things were it though. I had a wonderful Shavos and am happy to share what went well. My daughter A2 was home for the first time since I started observing Shavos on Friday night because she quit her job to find one closer to home. This was exciting for me because I could share with her all that I learned and include her in the rituals and say a blessing over her. The first thing we did together was bake challah. I had already made the dough which had been sitting in the fridge for two days (Jamie Geller's no kneed challuh recipe). We took the dough out of the fridge. I showed her how I separate the dough into different balls and strands to braid for the braided challah. I do not make enough to have to separate challah, so I have not done that yet. Yesterday was her first time braiding the strands and creating the beautiful challah bread. I showed her how to make the egg wash and she even applied the first coat. When the first two came out of the oven, she ate half a loaf! It was nice that I will be able to say that I passed something I learned on to my daughter. I did light the candles on time, do kiddish - which she participated in as well - and welcomed in the Shabbat. She has never complimented drinking grape juice before, but I had to smile when she said that it was the most refreshing thing she had drank in a long time. There is something magical about praying over the wine (grape juice) that makes it taste better and is more refreshing. The same goes for the food eaten. The prayers add something to the taste of the food that has never been there in previous meals. I made latkes for dinner. Though they were not perfect, they were delicious. Crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. My daughter loved them and ate quite a few. She also said that she would love to have them again. Win! My Friday night successes did not end there. She stayed downstairs and we were able to spend time together until late in the evening when I was exhausted and went to bed. Spending that time with her and laughing as much as we did was icing on the cake. I'm so thankful for days like this and moments like that. Today I went to shul for the second time. I drove over two and a half hours today to attend. I was delayed a couple of times so I was a bit late, but it was still worth going. Attending shul takes about nine to nine and a half hours of my day. Of those nine hours, I am driving five to six of them. Every minute of driving is worth it to attend shul. I remember days that I sat in church and it felt like service would never end. It was very impersonal, "sit and get" with occasional singing. Shul is so different. Every second of the service is personal, from praying quietly at the beginning to the reading of torah, to the celebrations of a bar mitzvah or wedding, or a mourners kiddish, to the priestly blessing. Every moment of the service is about the individual's personal relationship with Hashem. It is about celebrating that relationship personally and with the community. I love that I can feel that personal connection with Hashem and that I'm not the only one who has that. There is so much joy, laughter, and celebration in a service mixed in with reverence, learning, Torah, and family. It is everything that a service is supposed to be, and a reason why I am so thankful to be able to be a part of it. There is no place I would rather be on Saturday. My experience at shul today was different from last week. I threw candy at a guy getting married next week. His mother handed out candy to all the ladies (remember the men are separated by a wall) and asked them to throw candy at her son. This is, of course, all done in celebration and joy with lots of smiles and laughter. The throwing of the candy represents the wish for the couple to have a "sweet life." Not only was I able to understand what was going on this week, but I was able to follow along in the book more. This week was the end of the 30 days of mourning for a man who lost his wife. That meant he recited the mourners kiddush during the service and sponsored the kiddush luncheon after service. His son-in-law gave a speech during the luncheon. One strange thing was repeated from last week, but by a different person. Last week after the service, a woman I met petted me on the arm and said that she was happy I was there. I didn't think anything of it. This week, while I was in line getting salad at the luncheon downstairs, a woman petted me on my back. Granted the second lady that I was someone she knew (a good sign?), but it was still weird. I haven't been pet so much since I was a child. I still have so much more that I want to say, but it will have to wait until tomorrow. Shavua tov. |
| Sukkah is the wooden structure that I didn't remember the name of before. I learned that it is a hut type structure to remind the Jews of the structures they sat in during their traveling in the desert. It is celebrated during the week of Sukkot, one of the high holidays. The Chabad website (https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/609535/jewish/What-Is-a-Sukkah.ht...) says that the reason they sit in the Sukkah is because, "it demonstrates our faith in G-d and his benevolence." I like the way my Rabbi explained it. He said it was about choosing joy. That even though we may not have the best things and may go through difficult times and struggles, we still have the option to choose to be joyful, because joy is a choice. So many times in life we feel like we don't have a choice. I like that no matter the circumstances that we always have a choice to choose joy, to choose happiness. Though we may not be able to control the things that happen to us or around us, we get to choose how we react to those events. We get to choose who we want to be. I'm thankful to be able to make this choice. |
| With Shabbat over, I'm left to ponder the past two days. I spent the night at my daughter's last night and went to dinner to meet her friends. The dinner lasted past the time that Shabbat began. My daughter A1 ealized that we did not light candles and was genuinely upset that they were not lit. I had had a good day and was a bit sad that I had missed the candle lighting, but I knew my weekend would be off with my traveling. My daughter's reaction to missing the opening of Shabbat (she is not converting with me at this time) made my day. The candles of Shabbat burning bring me such peace that I thought was my own. It is exciting to know that the one thing that I shared with her means so much to her. I promised to send her the candle lighting times if she wanted to light the candles for herself. When I arrived at her apartment, I noticed that the candles were still sitting on the living room table where I had left them the last time I was there on Shabbat. I am trying to describe shul, but I'm not sure I can. I heard and said a lot of "Shabbat Shalom"s and "Good Shavos"es. I was correct to dress in layers. I was freezing due to my nerves and the overhead fans. The service structure can be read from multiple sources online and in books. It followed the same structure that I read about and was able to follow along. I did not understand the Hebrew though I could read it along with the speaker at times. Other times, I was distracted and lost my place. I knew what was supposed to happen next, so I flipped ahead to that part and waited. Reading about the service is so different than experiencing it. I can say that I have gone to church my entire life, but I have never experiened something like this. It was personal, and reflective, and community, and holy, and so much more. The mix of emotions felt during that service were humbleness, being lost, thankfulness, happiness, excitement, intrigue, reflection, awe, sadness, wonder, and so many more. There were parts that I did not understand how they knew what to do as far as standing, bowing, and responses. I will have a few questions to ask my Rabbi tomorrow. There was a woman who helped me know where we were in a second book (that I didn't even know where to get) and told me how to follow along. It turned out that she was the American Rabbi's mother-in-law. When we talked after, we found out that we met during online classes. I will have a face and voice and memory to put with a picture in the future. I met the rabbi who glows and he was so nice and smiled the entire time. He seemed to be one of those people that you always loved to be around because his joy was contagious. After the service was the kiddush lunch with kosher food. I walked down the stairs and was overwhelmed by the amount of people. I almost turned around and left, but there were too many people walking down the stairs for me to leave. I interrupted a couple ladies talking to ask where the bathroom was located. One of the ladies walked me to the bathroom (I didn't catch her name). I thanked her and used the time to talk myself into staying. I had to. I knew I had to, but I was quite overwhelmed. My Rabbi found me and introduced me to a couple of people and one asked if I wanted to sit at their table. I said, "YES!" I had seen her during service and she knew all the songs and followed along as though it was second nature to her. During the kiddush lunch, she asked a lot of questions, which I kind of expected. My responses ended up making her cry and I felt bad, even though it was more her self-reflection that made her cry and not any specific thing that I said. I enjoyed talking with her and look forward to talking with her again in the future. There were a couple people that made a point to introduce themselves and have a general, "How are you?" conversation. There was only one person that made me feel very self-conscious. He was very smiley when he talked to me and kept staring even after we finished our, "How are you?" general conversation. I was happy for the group of ladies I was sitting with distracting me, because I might have bolted from the awkwardness. I'm glad that I didn't run away. They are all very nice people. Was shul everything I thought it would be? More. Will I go again? Most definitely. Is this the community that I will be moving to next year? Very possibly, but anything can happen in the next year. |
| I remember the last time I went to church before I made my final decision to convert to Judaism. I attended a Christmas program at a local baptist church. I knew a few people there. I asked before I sat down if I was taking anyone's spot (no one was sitting there) and the couple said that the people who normally sit there were out of town, so it was okay that I sat there that day. The older lady in front of me talked with me and the people behind me. She said it would be nice if I continued to come and then she could adopt me. I grew up not wanting to be like my parents or anyone in my family. I asked a councilor how I could break some of the bad cycles that were present in my family and be different, a better person. She said to find something you like about someone else and do the same thing. Since then, I have always looked for the good in people and tried to emulate that. When the lady (who was really sweet and wonderful and would have made an amazing grandmother) said that, I immediately thought about who I wanted to be. About who I truly am. Did I want to be adopted by a Baptist and continue down the road I already struggled with? Would the things i learned from her really change me into a better person or the person I want to become? I never went back to that church or any church after that. I began my time in limbo. The same limbo that I feel I am currently in. Not a Christian, but not a Jew. I am nothing, and I'm okay with that for today. Tomorrow I will attend my first shul. I, of course, am very nervous at being stared at as the new person by a bunch of strangers and being treated and seen as out of place. I am carefully going through my clothes to see what I can wear to draw the least amount of attention to myself and worrying that it doesn't matter what I wear. I will stick out like a sore thumb. No patterns but not all black. Try to add some color, but not too bright of colors. Try to dress in layers in case your nerves make you cold, but not too heavy so you become too hot (it is August). All the time I am packing, I'm worrying. Do I look too Baptist? So I am finishing packing to go to my daughters so I can be only an hour away from shul instead of two and a half. I feel like a hypocrite for driving on a Saturday since I have stopped driving on Saturdays. I need this though. I know I do. I know I can't move for another year so this is the only way I can do this right now. My life is already not the same as the day I walked out of that Baptist church and never looked back. I am not the same, and I never want to go back. I will continue to become who I want to be. A Jew. |
| It was crazy weather driving the two and half hours to visit my shul and meet my Rabbi. The rain was coming down so hard that I could hardly see the car (with light on) in front of me. I drove for two hours, and then I spent the night at my daughter A1 house and met my Rabbi in the morning. It was only an hour drive with part of the way being a rolling traffic jam. However, there were a lot of cars. Where the synagogue is located is in the city and I am very much a country girl. I can see that I will have difficulties with that part of my move next year. My very American Rabbi was the same in person as he is during class on Zoom. He was cracking jokes and apologizing for everything that he didn't need to apologize for. It is obviously just part of his character. I was introduced to the adorable Rabbi and he is just as adorable in person. His beard was twisted at the end and I don't remember seeing that in our classes. There was a guy in his office that introduced himself as "just some random guy" and that made me laugh. I was also introduced to a Rabbi that I only had a couple of times. I don't have a good enough grasp on his character to give him a nickname, so I will just call him Rabbi S. The synagogue was nice but not as decorative as I imagined or have seen in movies. I imagined the arc to be a box and not a bupboard in the wall. The three torahs that were in there were covered by beautiful coverings that were ornately decorated. He said he uses one on holidays only because it is heavier and the one in the middle he uses the most because it is the lightest. The partition between the men and women was down since it was the middle of the day on a Tuesday. There were separate entrances for the men's side and the women's side. There was a library which I have seen on Zoom and there were young men going in and out of it. My Rabbi kept saying that the community just hangs out there because it is their home. There is a separate entrance for the women's mikvah as well. Men are not permitted to be at the building after a certain time because women will be using the mikvah either for conversion, or for after their period, or for after giving birth. There are also only female attendants at that time (which, in most cases, are wives of the Rabbis). The women's mikvah had two dressing rooms and a waiting room. There was a tub and a shower for prepping to get into the mikvah. The entire area was actually quite beautiful. There was a giant playground with lots of fun play equipment and well maintained. They obviously cater to the children very well. There was a wooden structure behind the synagogue but I forgot what he called it. I'll have to message him in the morning and ask. It is where they have gatherings outside and it spills into the parking lot. It will be used during the high holidays that are coming up except the wooden top will be covered with palm branches. I didn't have a lot of questions because I wasn't sure what to ask. It was a lot to take in. There is a big difference between seeing pictures or even the rooms on zoom and being in there in person. I will be going back down on Friday to spend the night at my daughter's again. Saturday I will drive to the synagogue and attend my first shabbat service. |
| I'm going home tomorrow. There is a fine line between doing what is right and honoring your parents. There are certain things I could not do because I could not expect my dad to understand and do everything that I do on Shabbat. So, he turned off the candles (which I purchased just for here) and turned off lights, and asked me to use the microwave. Of course I was sad that the candles were off because of what it means to me, but I can't expect him to feel the same. Just like my children who visit, I need to introduce my beliefs little by little knowing they will never mean the same to him as they do to me. Being here is like looking at the present through a stranger's point of view. I understand the lifestyle, but I don't live in that world and after some time, I miss my family. I have always felt like I didn't belong, but now I know without a doubt that I don't belong here. I miss feeling the presence of God in my home. I miss his closeness. I miss the magic of Shabbat. I did not have that magic today. I love my dad and how he has changed his life. I love that he enjoyed me being here with him and enjoyed taking care of him this past week. However, I am happy to be returning to the life I have been living for these past 6 months, to learn more and put it into practice right away without judgement and argument and misunderstanding. I still plan on meeting my Rabbi on Tuesday and figuring out where I will be staying when I get to travel there to attend shul. I'm looking forward to time to study my Hebrew without interruption. Before I came, I already knew that I couldn't go back to my old beliefs. I know now that I don't want to. I was worried about how I would integrate with my family during and after my conversion. I understand a bit more now. I will never change my desire to become a Jew and when I do, I will never wish I hadn't. I understand the difference between Judaism and Christianity on a different level now. I know I will be able to navigate family interactions and be constantly exposed to the name of Jesus and not waver or feel ashamed for my decision. I am happy to have a deep and meaningful relationship with The Creator of the Universe, and though I know my family will never understand that relationship, it is what drives me forward and influences everything I do. Thank you Hashem for helping me let go of the past and yearn for you and the future you have for me. Where you are leading, I am following. |
| There is a point in conversion that moving forward is necessary. If this week at my dad's house has shown me anything, it is that I am ready to take the next step in my conversion process. That next step includes moving to a Jewish community. This next week I am meeting with my rabbi for the first time in person and discussing the next steps to start becoming part of the Jewish community, when I should be there to attend community functions, and how I can attend shul. This means I will also start meeting with the Beit Din. The Biet Din is a court of rabbis that make the final judgement when a candidate is ready to take the final step in conversion, the mikvah. My community that I will be transitioning into is two and half hours away from where I live and from where I work. That means, after this school year, I will not only be moving where I live, but I will also have to change where I work. I will spend the next school year straddling the line between the life I have now and the life I want to live. I'm nervous about meeting my rabbi, and I hope that I can ask questions that I need to ask and feel a sense of belonging there. |
| You know in those scary movies where they enter someone's house and there are crosses and Jesus photos everywhere and they find a body under the floorboards? I think they filmed those scenes here at my dad's. It is amazing how many crosses he has all over his house. They are on walls, shelves, even hanging from fixtures in which you have to grab it to turn on a light or a fan. It's creepy. I'm at my dad's house for a week for his birthday and doctor's appointments. Last time I was here we argued. This time is different. He is asking questions about what I can eat and why. He was getting frustrated a little bit, but I told him that the rules were for me because I'm becoming a Jew, and it was fine for him to eat whatever he wanted to eat. He was fine after that, and he seemed curious on what I can eat and what I choose to eat. My aunt and cousins were over and asked me about going to church. I just told them no I don't go to church and changed the subject. I didn't want to get "witnessed to." If you have a strong religious family, you know exactly what I am talking about. Being away from home, I am finding my prayer routine messed up. I am trying to pray while cooking here, where at home I will have already been on my elliptical, showered, dressed, and prayed before having to wake my daughter. I miss my routine. I love my dad, and it has been nice to get to know him as a someone trying to be a good man instead of the abusive alcoholic and drug adict that I grew up knowing. I'm tired of crosses and pictures of Jesus. I'm tired of hearing that Jesus loves me and hearing people pray in Jesus' name instead of praying to the God that created them. I'm tired of seeing christian movies of peple acting horrible and doing horrible things until the end of the movie where they hear that Jesus loves them and then they are changed for the next 30 second scene. There is such a culture difference between christians and Jews. I don't belong here. Christianity is not my home, and I'm having difficulty breathing when Jesus is shoved in my face at every turn. I want my access to Jewish wisdom. I want access to both of my prayer books (I only brought one). I want to see my sabbath candles. Even unlit, I can feel their magic to my core. I miss being surrounded by Jewish books, journals (I have 4 different ones for different purposes), Hebrew writing, and music. Thank you Hashem for showing me that I'm not who I once was. I love you with all my heart, all my soul, and all I am. |
| Some days there is a lot to process, and today is no exception. First I am happy to say that my challah came out perfectly. I pulled it out of the oven just before my daughter was about to walk out the door to go to work on Friday. I cut her a piece of fresh challah from one of the loaves and tried a piece myself after she left. It was everything I expected challah to be. I did a few things different than what the receipe called for. I put in a little less sugar, courser salt, kept it in the fridge for two days (less than 48 hours technically), and split the dough into 4 loaves instead of the 2. I wish I could figure out how to upload a photo, because all the loaves looked as beautiful as they did last time, but also tasted wonderful this time. It actually tasted so good that I ate over half of a loaf by myself. Let's just say finishing my dinner salad was not possible, and I may be increasing my mileage on my elliptical a bit earlier than planned. My daughter D2 and her husband T came over Saturday and enjoyed dinner and games. They polished off the entire batch of brownies that made and most of a container of cookies. We played two board games, cheater's edition Monopoly and a game whose name escapes my memory. There was a lot of laughter (most at me) when we played Monopoly. The point of the game is to try to win by cheating. I cannot lie without laughing or telling the truth so I was caught almost every time and they loved that I kept trying even though my attempts were so obvious. I am glad that my inability to lie caused so much happiness. I definitely did not win that game. The second game we played was interesting with no cheating involved. We built settlements and roads and collected resources. It was interesting and one that I didn't want to end so quickly. I didn't win that one either, but the hours of playing these games seemed to fly by. Of course with all the happiness and family fun, there were changes in the normal family game night routine. They were concious about keeping lights on and corrected one another when someone turned them off. Turning off lights is a normal thing to teach children to do when they leave a room. My daughters D2 and A2 are struggling a bit with the contradiction between Shabbat rules and their upbringing. Then there was the questions about what I was doing talking to my food before I took a bite. Of course, I could not answer until I finished the bite as not to take the Lord's name in vain. I told her I was saying my brucha or blessing before I ate. I was eating one cookie (I didn't need more than that after all the bread I ate), and she was amazed that I would do it over something so small. She said, "So it's like you used to do, but more." Meaning that always have prayed before a meal but now I do before I eat anything regardless of the amount. While that is true, I do pray before I eat anything regardless of size, it also is before drinking anything, before getting out of bed (one of my favorites), after washing my hands, before reading scripture, before geoing to bed, when smelling good fragrences, and so much more. The question caught me off guard and I didn't know how to explain the difference, so I just replied, "Yes." Another challenge is not looking at my phone. Not looking at my phone would have saved me worry and stress today. My boss texted me and asked me to open a test for a student still working on his summer classes because the student was in the hospital during summer school. I am not supposed to work on Shabbat so opening a test is breaking that sabbath. My mind was not on keeping rules of the sabbath but on the needs of that one student and wanting to see him succeed, so my laptop opened, I logged into the summer school program and I opened the test. My boss called me a saint, but I didn't feel like a saint. I felt guilt. I worked which is forbidden. Though those few clicks was the easiest part of my job for summer school, it was still part of my job. The fact that my boss said I could put in time on a time card to be paid for that time just makes it worse. Did I take away time that was supposed to be dedicated to honoring G-d to unlock a test for a student who might not even take the test today? Is G-d disappointed that I didn't say that I would do it tomorrow? Which, by the way, never even occured to me to do. Not looking at my phone would have saved me from a tough conversation with my brother as well. My youngest brother is a messianic jew. He converted some time ago, and I spent a long time convincing our dad that he is not in a cult. I have watched my brother struggle with his faith for a while, and at one point, he said he didn't believe in God. I have always encouraged him and told him that God is there and still loving him whether he believes it or not. My conversion is not easy for him. He doesn't understand how I can go from attending church 4 times a week to not believing in Jesus (though I never believed he was God) and going full orthodox. My brother and I have limited interactions. We only met when he was in high school, and I was a single mother of 4. We saw each other a few years ago at a Thanksgiving dinner and took an awkward photo (since we were siblings and the only single ones there) with his children (he is a single dad of 3) and my younges (only one left at home). Before that we saw each other at the hospital when our dad had a heart attack, and it was years before that when we were just getting to know one another. I understand with his limited contact that he is struggling with my conversion, and I can't answer all of his questions and could only say that I believe in the 13 principles of faith and the Tanach. Being a messianic jew, he of course knows what those are, but we ended our conversation with him not satisfied. I had to focus on my daughter and her husband waiting for me to get off the phone and I didn't know how to explain away his reservations about my choice. I know our conversation isn't over, but I could feel his disappointment miles away. Lord, you are my rock and my strength. It is in you I trust. Shavua Tov everyone. |
| Jews believe that your soul leaves your body at night to be closer to God and is renewed by God each night. Many times God fulfills my needs through my dreams. When I am on the elliptical concentrated in prayer and when I am at my bedside pouring my heart out to God, I can feel his presence, his gentle touch on my head or shoulder to let me know that he there. However, when I wake in the morning, oftentimes I have so much to thank for God for before I even open my eyes. While he is giving my soul rest, he gives my brain what it needs to make it through another day or week. If you think I am expressive or exaggerative in my writing, which I have heard, imagine being in this mind at all times. If I need joy, he gives me a memory, laughter, or fulfills a wish. If I need creativity, he gives me a dream filled with color and nothing that makes sense or is in reality. If I need a sense of safety, I have a nightmare where I am running for my life and wake up to a quiet room, birds chirping outside my window, and kitty cuddles. If I need comfort, I am held and wake with the feeling of being loved and the words, "Thank you for this, Lord" still echoing in my mind. I wake comforted, safe, full of joy, at peace, and so blessed. Today I prepare for Shabbat which starts at sundown. That means finishing cleaning the house, round two of making challah, cooking two dinners, making sure lights are on, dishes are done, sabbath table set (counter for me). Then I get the privilege of lighting the candles and welcoming God into my home. There is no other way to describe Shabbat than magical. Easy Hebrew Method (Unit 3) $75 $290 + $75 = $365 (total spent learning Hebrew) I have learned multiple languages in my lifetime. I am native to English (though my spelling may not show it), I took multiple years of French, I have studied Spanish for a couple of years, and now I am learning Hebrew. Of all the languages I have learned and spoken, Hebrew is by far my favorite. It is a beautiful language that I immensely enjoy hearing, reading, and speaking, and I look forward to writing in it in the future. Shabbat Shalom |
| There are many things I love about Judaism. I love the prayers, I love the traditions, I love that everything I do and think and eat all have God at the center of it. As I think about preparing to go back to teaching full time, I worry that my job will suck more energy out of me than I can give and still be as heavy into learning as I am now. I love having the time to read books on how to run a Jewish household, read about Jewish wisdom, study Torah alone and with others, and learn the Hebrew language. I don't want to miss out on any part of the life that I am falling in love with living. With that being said, part of me also feels guilty. Because I do plan to complete my conversion, I must move to a Jewish community. To do this, I will have to give up my job. I do not see a way to keep my current position at my current school and live in a Jewish community. I now live in the middle of nowhere, basically. That means there are no kosher markets or cafes. Also, that means there are no synagogues. To complete my conversion, I must move. I will move. What makes me feel guilty is how invested I am in the community that I serve and in the school in which I work. I don't only teach during the school day, I tutor after school, I run a crochet club, I volunteer to chaperone dances and activity nights, I am class advisor, I run concessions for the sports boosters, I am a mentor to a probationary teacher, and I was just informed by my boss that I am being recommended for department chair. I do all of these things because I love my students and my community. I feel as though I am able to give a small piece of myself and give these students a few hours of safety and love and a few years of good memories. At my last evaluation, my boss told me that he loves that I have become the school mom. When I move, will someone step up and fill that gap? Will I have a chance to give myself and my heart to students at another school. WIll I even fit into another school and a Jewish community? Wishing there was a synagogue closer so I could become the person that I know, without a doubt that God wants me to be, and I want to become, will not solve my problem.I have to make a choice. I have made a choice. I trust you, Lord with my todays and tomorrows. Where you are leading, I am willingly following. |
| Today is the 15th of Av in the Jewish religious calendar known as the holiday Tu B'Av. Today is the equivalent of Valentine's Day in the United States. The story goes that a woman was gang raped by a group of men from the tribe of Benjamin killing her. Her husband was so distraught that he chopped up her body and sent pieces to all the tribes of Israel to show what the men had done to his beloved wife. The tribes expected swift justice to the men who brutally raped and killed the woman. They did not get what it and the first civil war between the tribes of Israel ensued. Tens of thousands of people died as a result. A truce was made between the tribes, but as punishment, no woman from any tribe was permitted to marry a man from the tribe of Benjamin. These rules were lifted on Tu B'Av. This day soon became a day that young women would dress in white and go dancing in the field, and match makers would make matches for them. Though match makers still exist, most people now rely on the greatest matchmaker of them all, God. Tu B'Av is now the modern day Valentie's Day where people express their love for one another, young people get engaged, and love fills the air. They go out dancing and looking for love. Those that don't go out, have dance parties at home. There are other significant events that happened on this day as well, but it is best known as a day of love with a full moon. No one would accuse me of being you, and I am not in love (or even dating). I think it is okay for me to sit this holiday out this year. Well, except for the dancing part. I will be home dancing, like I always do, but by myself. |
| On Mondays, my very American Rabbi holds a zoom class titled Weekly Roundup. In this class, he discusses topics that he usually received questions about from those converting, or that has to do with the weekly Torah and Haftarah readings, or upcoming holidays. The recordings are abailable on YouTube under Chabad.org's page. This past Monday he discussed bruchas (blessings) before and after eating, what, when, and why. I think this was the lesson that finally helped me get it. Though I was doing well with the before eating bruchas, I knew I wasn't the after eating bruchas. Why say a blessing before and after eating? Because in Judaism, thanking G-d is interwoven into every aspect of life. Everything we have, everything we eat, every blessing we receive is because of Hashem. Everything belongs to him and he loves us so much, he gives us food to nourish our bodies, clean clothes to wear, and a warm bed to sleep in at night. He gives us rest at night and gives us breath for another day. Because G-d blesses us and takes such good care of us, we should thank him in return. I watched a video that said for some, it is a goal to say 100 blessings a day. I'm not sure how that is possible. I have said (by my count) 21 blessings today and most likely will only say a few more before falling asleep tonight. I understand giving thanks and the heartfelt desire to thank the G-d who has given me so much and blessed me so greatly, but I don't want it to become a chore or a game. Every brucha I do is heartfelt because I know I have so much to be thankful for. I don't want to lose the meaning behind my words and it become just something I do. Thank you my G-d, my redeemer, keeper of my heart, for blessing me today and every day. |
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