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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I'm not sure what triggered me today, but I am definitely struggling today. The more learn, the harder I study, and the more I incorporate G-d into all that I do, all that I say, and all that I am, the more I struggle with the fact that I didn't get it together enough to do this a long time ago when I first started questioning. I understand why now, as I mentioned in previous entries, but my heart longs for more time. What will I get, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, maybe, to live the life that G-d wants me to live. Also, the more that I study and observe the Orthadox Jewish life, the more I regret not having had the chance to raise my children to do the same. I understand how confusing it would be for a child to go from observing Christianity to Judaism with everyone around you still being a Christian, but it would have been wonderful to have them have the chance to feel this close to Hashem. For the chance to have been able to say a blessing over them ever Friday night as we celebrated our time together and spent time as a family. We did have dinners together and family game nights with not screen time, but it's not like it could have been. I know I will get to teach my children some things, be a good example, and teach and educate my grandchildren (when I have some), but I can't help to think what could have been. When I talked with my very American Rabbi, he said, "I don't know, but I've heard that before," and it made me feel that I am not alone in my feelings. That all my struggles others have gone through before. Daily, I am understanding who I was, who I am, and who I will be. I don't always like who I was, and even though I like who I am now, I can't wait to meet the person that I will be. I think about the day I emerge from the mikvah a new person with a new identity and a new name. So, on days like today, I lean on the grace of Hashem, I pick up my pencil, and I study Hebrew. |
| Having raised four children who are now all adults and living lives of their own, I have been asked, "What made you want to convert now?" Going through this process, I can say that a person needs to be whole and prepared and willing to have the focus of their lives on Hashem. After spending 12 years healing, I know I would not have been able to emotionally handle all the triumphs and set backs that I am experiencing with my conversion. I know that my focus over the past 12 years was taking care of my children before anything else. That meant working two jobs and going to college full time for 6 years and sleeping only a few hours a night. How could I posssibly have made time to learn all that I am learning now. I would have been too overwhelmed. Then there is the spiritual reasons. Remember that I attended church up to 4 times a week (more if there was a revival). I needed that time to question, to grow spiritually closer to God and away from the church. The more I attended, the more I questioned. The amount of devotion to God that is required to live a devout Orthodox Jewish life is even greater than all the time I spent in the church. Again, while raising 4 children alone, working two jobs, and college full time, how could I have figured out time to study and live a new way of life and teach my children as I learned? So though I am not young, I trust Hashem's timing in my life. He knew when and walked with me through my slow decision process until I got it at the moment of his choosing. There are verses that I used to get me through my healing that I still cling to and still shapes my worship and thought process. Nehemiah 8:10 - "...Do not be sad, for your rejoicing in the Lord is the source of your strength." This verse is why you will rarely see me without a smile on my face. I have so many things to be thankful for and Hashem has never abandoned me. He has given me strength to go on even on days that I thought I couldn't. Hashem is my source of strength then and now and always. Psalm 143:8 - "Let me hear your kindness in the morning, for I hope in you; let me know the way in which I am to go, for to You I have lifted up my soul." I have leaned on G-d for everything and hoped in Him and trusted in Him when the entire world felt against me. He has always been my rock. His word and comfort guided me through my darkest hours and to where I am today. Because I have talked to Him from the moment I wake, until the moment I fall asleep, learnig to pray and give thanks is a priority. I still trust you Hashem to guide me. Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the thoughts that I think about you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. I know that Hashem wants good things for me. So, when I feel down and cry out to G-d, I know he listens and hears. I know that he will work things out for me in the end. I will be okay. Though my plans may not be His plans and I get down, I am always trusting because He is guiding me. When anyone asks me how I am doing, I reply, "Fantastic!" because I have the King of the Universe directing my steps and working things out for my good. The closest that I have learned in Hebrew to this is "Nehedar" which means "magnificent!" Psalm 1: 1-6 "Blessed is the man that walketh not in the council of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful, but his delight is in the law of the Lord. And in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither, and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away. Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgement nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish." This chapter is not quite translated correctly from Hebrew, and I know that. However, this is the first chapter that I memorized while attending RU and healing and growing closer to G-d. The correct words and the change of the verb tense does not change the meaning for me. I have tried every day to follow G-d and have everything I do and everything I say honor him. I have walked away from those that I know were bad influences and clung to those who aided my walk and worship of G-d. I have been careful with the council that I have accepted during my conversion. I know that by continuing to follow Hashem and follow his statutes and his laws, everything will be okay. I will be okay, always. There are so many more that have helped me become the person I am today and continue to guide me closer to my king and redeemer. Thank you Hashem. You have my yesterdays, you have my todays, and you have my tomorrows. I love you with all that I am and all that I have. |
| I had a great Shabbat with both successes and failures. I had a vegan hotdog for dinner. They are plant based and tasted very much like kale and something that I couldn't quite identify. They tasted okay, but at 3 am, I woke up with really bad heartburn. I took some pepto and sat up in bed for a little bit half asleep until I could lay down and get a couple more hours in. I don't think I will be buying those again. I will stick to a spinich salad for my vegetable dinners. I had no problem with the flow of events and rituals of Shabbat and had a lot of relaxation time reading and enjoying the fair. The laws of Shabbat say that a person can only go so far from his home (walking, no driving). The fair is practically in my backyard, so I walked to the fair today and enjoyed The Flying Cortes and the few shops that they had. I had steak tips for dinner with a slushie (blue raspberry), and enjoyed a stroll through the barns to see the animals. The horses even let me pet them this time! Most of the day was just relaxing and Torah study. It really was a good Shabbat. The bad thing I did (which makes me a horrible parent) is lock the front door and forget to unlock it before going to sleep. My daughter, A2, apparently knocked for a while, but I was snoozing and didn't hear a thing. The phone screen woke me when she called. I went downstairs to let her in and fell right back to sleep. I feel horrible, even though she understood since it was after midnight when she made it home from work. In her five minutes home the next morning we talked (rare occasion) and she was surprisingly pleasant. She kept the light turned on and consented to wait to do laundry until after Shabbat ended (a big win for me!). So other than being up for the worst mom of the year award, it was a great Shabbat! |
| Having run out of bread, eggs, and many other essentials, I had to figure out how to get a few groceries. Shabbat is tonight, and I cannot start Shabbat without some type of bread or rolls. So I figured that out and was able to pick up some eggs and rolls for dinner tonight. It is too late to attempt to make challah, but I will attempt that again next week. I was planning on making some soup for dinner tonight and just keeping it warm to eat tomorrow (no cooking on Shabbat is permitted). However, I could not find gnocchi in my tiny town, so plan B is some vegan hot dogs that I've been wanting to try for dinner tonight and I'll walk to the fair (visible from my patio) and buy dinner tomorrow. So no updates on amazing food tomorrow, but next week I do plan on making latkes (now that I have onion and egg), of course with my own twist. Look for that in next week's blog. Tisha B'Av ended last night, but there were some things that we could not do until this afternoon, like eat meat. I listened to music for the first time in 9 days and danced around my house while doing my chores (dishes, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, etc.). I started my playlist this morning, paused it while I went to go shopping, and continued it when I got back home. I have been listening to it all day and feel so much joy again. I have not listened to secular music in years, so after I decided to convert to Judaism, I have only been listening to music from artists recommended by my Rabbi and other Jewish friends. I can honestly say that I do not miss Christian music at all. I didn't only fall in love with the Hebrew language, but to hear songs with so much passion and love for the creator is addicting. I only want more. There is no way I would ever go back to Christianity, but there is no way I will ever want to listen to anything other than Jewish music. It is too fulfilling to the spirit to give up for anything secular. This is my YouTube playlist that I am continuing to add songs to https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuYdgPcOeq_anPLwNpmxAqJGUWHhE0Cb7 My Hebrew is getting better. I can sound out words now. I am very slow at it, but I can sound them out, which is a step in the right direction. I can almost read through a paragraph of a prayer. The short sentences that repeat I can do no problem now, but not long prayers. I also struggle a bit with passages in the Torah. One verse or two at a time I can handle, but not more than that. Again, thanks to GZ and putting up with me about 4 hours a week for the past two months. Shabbat Shalom everyone! |
| Today we are on the eve of Tisha B'Av. The day that both temples in Jerusalem were destroyed and the day that the people of Israel were told that they would not enter the promised land for 40 years. A day of mourning. We are to fast for 25 hours which means no food or liquids. We cannot do any Torah study that is not about learning about loss or destruction. So with my bank card being compromised last week and waiting for the replacement in the mail, and no access to money, I'm struggling with one aspect of preparation today. I have neither eggs, nor bread. Having run out of eggs would normally be nothing, but today, eggs serve a purpose. Eggs are what mourners eat and since we are going into mourning (over the things listed above), we are supposed to eat bread and a boiled egg dipped in ash. Yes, ash. I remember reading about this months ago and now that I'm here, I was clueless that it was today that this was supposed to happen. Months ago I could only think how gross it sounded, but today I am sad and feel that I am missing out on an important experience of mourning. Although I could probably go find someone who will give me an egg and do the ritual lunch a bit late, I wonder if this happened for a reason. So instead of frantically finding an egg and some ash (because I don't have any of that either), I have to think how much I have grown spiritually over the past couple of months. I have to think how thankful I am to have this experience of missing out on - and understand and feel that I am missing out on - this Jewish ritual. I feel like today is my reminder that even though things get hard and I feel like a constant screw up (which I do), I still choose this. And since I still choose to become Jewish with all my struggles and disasters, Hashem is blessing that choice with this feeling of wanting to be observant and a promise that some day, I will be able to observe these rituals, traditions, and holidays the way they are meant to be observed, and when that day comes I will do them out of gratefulness and a real desire to honor and connect with Hashem. I will still start the fast at sundown and change the prayers to observe Tisha B'Av. And I will mourn for Israel. What does the temple's destruction mean to me or how does it affect me? Because it is destroyed, I am not able to bring a sacrifice before the lord in gratitude for my conversion.Whether you believe that I was born with a Jewish soul or that G-d answered my prayers to be closer to him and to be able to learn more about him and follow all his statutes and commanments, the fact remains that until the third temple is built, I will not be able to offer anything more than money and my gratitude. |
| I crave the time to learn more each day. I get exhausted from the amount of reading, the studying of Hebrew, the zoom classes on laws, theology, holy living, and wisdom, but I don't want to go to sleep. I want more. It's like a craving for chocolate cake your whole life and you finally taste your first crumb, then get a small bite, then a tiny piece. You want the whole cake and to be able to bake more! I have never felt more like myself than I do when I speak in Hebrew, when I learn a new pearl of wisdom, when I read something that makes complete sense logically and can apply it or have already been applying it without knowing, when I pray or say a brucha, or when I perform a ritual. It's like a piece of my soul has been dorment and crying out to be awoken and released, but I have held it captive by trying to fit in with what I knew from my childhood and what those around me did and believed. A part of me always knew what I should do and who I should become. I'm just wondering why I waited so long to start becoming whole. |
| Today we are in the midst of the 9 days of mourning that started on the 1st of Av. In two days, at sundown, we will start a 25 hour fast. The longest fast of the year. Most of the rules for the nine days are practical for someone in mourning: no doing joyous activities, no eating meat, no wearing freshly laundered clothes ( look at your clothes chair and tell me you don't have a week's worth of not dirty but not clean clothes), no certain grooming, etc. The only thing I am struggling with is no music. Never have I ever gone this long without music and I still have 3 more days to go. It's like pieces of my heart are being filled with a void and my joy has taken a back seat to emptiness. How I long for that joy again. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdNS0Tmk-ig Later this week, my heart will sing again and I will dance around my kitchen cooking and cleaning and singing! I made challah for the first time Friday morning. I used a no kneed dough recipe and was not very impressed. I took it out of the fridge after letting it sit for 3 days (recipe says 2 to 3 days) and immediately knew it had been in there too long. The top was hard and the dough was tough. I know I can do much better. I braided the dough and backed it and used it for Shabbat dinner, but it was not very tasty. It was extra large size loaves and did not have the hallow thunk that it was supposed to have when it came out of the oven. My daughter A2 took 1 bite. That's it. Just 1 bite. She devoured my choldent, but just 1 bite of the challah. I will do much better this week. My bank card was compromised Friday morning, so I couldn't go to the store to buy anything. That meant the dinner that I was planning to make for Shabbat was not happening. I made a sad rendition of spaghetti with chicken because the only meat I had on hand was canned chicken. It was not tasty either. Other than the meal tasing like a disaster, it was probably the best Shabbat that I've had yet. I lit the candles, I welcomed in the shabbat, I said kiddush over my wine (grape juice because I don't drink alcohol), I at dinner, I read Torah, I slept in, and I felt amazing Saturday when I woke up. Saturday I ate my roast which had been cooking all night and was tender and falling apart, and the carrots were soft and the potatoes were full of the taste of the onion and the meat and the seasonings. It was a wonderful meal! I read a few chapters in a couple books and read Torah. I had joined a class on Isaiah with my Hebrew teacher GZ, so I was going through and translating some words and frustration started to overwhelm me. So I changed to Davarim (Deuteronomy) and again became frustrated. I should not be this impatient with my learning, but understanding the Tanach in Hebrew is one of the main reasons why I'm learning Hebrew in the first place. It's like I've been watching a movie series my entire life, and was able to glance at the book series (which we know is always better and in more depth than the movie) but now I have to just sit and watch the books sit on the shelf without the ability to pick them up and read them. It's pure torture. I know I need to be patient, but I'm too impatient to be patient. Thankfully, GZ answered my questions for me, because he's amazing like that, and I felt a bit better and had an amazing restful evening. So restful that I fell asleep before I could read the kiddush to end the shabbat so I will make that a priority this Saturday night. I woke up on the couch and went upstairs and thanked Hashem for all the wonderful people in my life and an extra thanks for GZ who took time out of his Shabbat to help me be at peace in my own, then slept. I know I need to be patient with all that I am learning and applying, but as you notice, patience is not my strong suit. I'm learning Hebrew, I'm learning to run a Jewish household. I'm learning new receipes. I'm learning new prayers. I'm learning new holidays and traditions. I'm doing all of this while still working and being a single parent. Even though all my children are now adults, parenting doesn't end. It only changes. There are things I have not been able to do yet that I am looking forward to doing. I still have not been to shul. The rabbi from Traverse City has not called me back. I have not moved to a Jewish community, which I will need to do eventually to finish my conversion. I have not been to a Jewish concert, which will happen eventually also. And I haven't been able to set up a kosher kitchen yet. The day I step out of the mikvah, it will be done. Here's to a new week of learning and growing in my walk with Hashem! |
| Conversation Hebrew (Unit 3) $40 250 + 40 = $290 This may seem like a lot of money (and it is!), but GZ is worth it. I couldn't do this without him. Thank you GZ for being patient, available for questions, and so good at your job! You're amazing! |
| Every sabbath I am learning more and adding to the sabbath rituals. This sabbath I learned about the kiddush cup and prayer. I have not done this yet (obviously) but am looking forward to doing it next sabbath. I don't (and probably won't for a while) have a kiddush cup, but I'm hoping to start to do things in the right order and include all the prayers, blessings, and rituals. I still don't know how to pe=repare without opening the fridge. I also had all the light on when I started sabbath, but my daughter A2 came home late and turned them all off. Even after I talked to her about how they needed to stay on because we do not kindle a flame on the sabbath, she kept turning them off. Even the cat (who knows how, but that's a whole other story) kept turning off lights. My daughter D and her husband came over and kept turning off the kitchen light. It was frustrating. I just wonder if I'm ever going to get it right. No, I know I will, because I know Hashem has brought me to this and will not give up on me. He knows that I am slow to catch on and screw up at first repeatedly, and that I am trying to teach my children as I am learning. I love where I have the candles placed. I don't use the kitchen table because I need a smaller one for the size of my apartment so I don't have them on the table. My candles are just small battery operated tea lights but they stay lit all Sabbath. When I look at them, I feel my connection to Hashem. I feel hope, encouragement, and restoration. And it's nice not to be able to screw something up! My daughter A1 left them lit when I was there and I know my other girls enjoyed them also. All of my girls have had a chance to experience part of the sabbath rituals. There is a magical presence that they have and I love that I can see them no matter where I am (almost) in my apartment. My youngest, A2, is still angry that I won't drive her t work on Saturday or pick her up from work Friday night. I know I can't force her to observe the sabbath with me (she is an adult), but her disrespectful behavior is quite disheartening. I do feel like I am starting to get the blessings (bruchas) and morning and night time prayers down. I still forget (or get too busy and its too late after) to do the after meals blessing every time. Not that I've never done it. I've never prayed after having a meal and it still feels a little backwards, even though I know it's not backwards. I still have to ask forgiveness for my forgetfulness way too often. My Hebrew is getting a lot better though. I can read most words and am conjugating verbs. I am able to read more prayers and am getting faster at reading them and sounding them out. It also is not taking so much brain power that it hurts either! I'm very happy about that. |
| Crash Course 1 - Alef Bet and Nikud $20 230 + 20 = $250 |
| I had to reschedule my Decoding the Hebrew Language class today because my Rabbi added a Halacha class taught by the older adorable Rabbi whose name I never remember but always has great and clear information. Tomorrow is the fast of Tammuz to mourn when the Romans broke through the walls of Jerusalem. It marks the beginning of the three week mourning period commemorating the destruction of the Holy Temple. The 1st and the 2nd temples were destroyed on the 9th of Av (July 27th this year). The fast of Tammuz is only a minor fast beginning at dawn and ending at nightfall. The 9 days leading up to that day (the 9th of Av) have many rules. No meat is permitted except for on Shabbos (the Sabbath - Friday at sundown until Saturday at sundown) is just one of the rules. It breaks my heart to read about the desecration of the temple, the large number of Jews killed and enslaved, and the temple being burned to the ground. I could ask why G-d would allow all this, but I know that G-d gives choices and free will. Having free will means we can both exercise our free will and are subject to another's act of free will. We cannot enjoy the joys of something without sometimes having to deal with the consequences of people misusing it. Thank you Hashem for bringing me to you and giving me the chance to choose you. I love you, Hashem, G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, my G-d with all that I am. |
| The fourth of July weekend was crazy busy. I attended a 2 day family reunion. I am so blessed to have the wonderful family that I have. When there was any questions about my not mixing meat and dairy or not eating port, my uncle actually spoke up before I could even respond and I was able to avoid any family drama. I did not ruin the family reunion. I am so glad that I did attend it, because there were times I had to choose to keep kosher and choose to follow Jewish traditions even when it was not convenient. Being a Jew is a choice that I will have to make repeatedly for the rest of my life. I feel like every time I have to make the choice to be a Jew. I am choosing Hashem. Thank you Hashem for giving me the choice to choose you and the choice to be a Jew. Decoding the Hebrew Language $30 Total Spent Learning Hebrew $230 |
| Today's Talmud was by a Rabbi that I had never seen before. He talked about how the red cow and honoring your parents were related. The thing that surprised me is that the story he told was about a non-Jew. He was surprised that a non-Jew would honor his parents since it isn't a mitzvot for him. I guess I'm amazed at how much misconceptions there are between races and religions. I don't know any culture that honoring your parents isn't thought as the right and moral thing to do and taught to their children as an expectation. It's part of the 10 Commandments. God said to do it so we do. Period. I never heard the word mitzvat until a few months ago, but if my mom asked me to do something, I did it. I would clean my mom's house for her and mow her lawn even when I didn't live there because honoring my mom was listening to God. I wanted to listen to God even though I wasn't a Jew. As a Jew in training, I understand that it is a mitzvat We must do it to fulfill our obligation to fulfill that 1 of the 613 laws of the Torah. I see glimpses of God in so many people when they love others, when they serve others, when they give to others, when they love others as themselves, when someone quotes Torah whether they realize it or not. Thank you Hashem for revealing yourself to me in so many ways to lead me here today. I love you my G-d with all that I am, with all that I will be, with all that I have, with all that I think. Thank you King of the Universe for being my God. |
| Thank you Hashem for your abundant mercies. "Our purpose is not to go to he heaven, but to bring heaven down to earth." from Wisdom to Change the World by Tzvi Freeman. He also wrote a book titled Bringing Heaven Down to Earth. |
| I did not finish what I was writing the other day, but I will come back to it on another day. I had an interesting and unexpected day today. At work, I only thought about how I have Monday and Tuesday off so I will be able to watch the Chabad Academy classes that I miss when I'm at work since our lunch is a working lunch. I thought about all the people who saw leadership qualities in me that I clearly did not see. I went to my uncle's house today to chat and pay him for the family to chat and pay him for the family reunion t-shirt for Saturday's family reunion. It's hard to believe it's been two years since I made that drive to visit family. My uncle and I got person with our conversation and I told him that I was converting to be a Jew. I never expected to hear the words, "I'm proud of you," but I did. It was nice to be able to share with that side of my family and not be scolded. I shared a lot of what I have learned. He was very interested in kosher cooking so we went through his pantry and I showed him the symbols that he already had in his home. He was excited. I have to admit that I am worried about Saturday being a disaster because of sharing this with him. Is he going to talk about it and my sister make a scene. How will it go if she and my aunt are drunk again? Will this be my last family reunion? |
| Chassidic Insights into daily prayers Sunday 8 am with the Rabbi who glows. Hebrew Conversation Unit 2 $40 Easy Hebrew Method Unit 2 $75 One thing I can say has changed is the way I see food. Separating meat and dairy seemed weird at first, but doing so has made me think about food I eat as more than something to fill me up. It has a spiritual purpose. Everything I eat is a gift of Hashem that he created to nourish me so I can continue to have a relationship with him. The cucumber I eat is more than a cucumber, it is a gift and creation of Hashem. |
| Well, I screwed that up! Don't get me wrong, part of that was great. I lit the candles, said the blessing, welcomed in the Shabbat, read till late and went ot bed. I got up Saturday morning feeling good having left my cellphone down stairs and said my morning prayers. I felt great going down the stairs excited to see how my cholent was doing and noticed it didn't look like it had been cooking all night. I started to wonder if my crockpot was broken when I saw the problem. I DIDN'T PLUG IT IN!!! 12 WHOLE HOURS LATER ( It is supposed to cook for 16!) so, I plugged it in (which is a no no on Shabbat) and turned it up on high hoping that since the beans soaked all night, they would cook in 8 hours instead of 16. They did and it was so good I was surprised it came from my kitchen. I will be happy to do it right next time, but I must say that was amazing! Well, my daughter called and said it was an emergency so my no tech rule got thrown out the window. I sat and read most of the day finishing my book Jew by Choice and staring my Pray Like a Jew book. I finished Shabbat with the prayers and turned off the lights and put the leftovers in the fridge. Hebrew Conversation Unit 2 Starts tomorrow. |
| I'm making cholent for the first time. I've never cooked with pearle barley before or anything for a full 16 hours before so I'm a bit nervous. I added a few carrots because some recipes had it added and it is a type of stew. I'm lighting the candles tonight for the first time ever. They are small battery operated candles because I am not allowed to have an open flame in my apartment. I have not tried challah yet. I will this week after making my banana bread. My friend emailed me the other day. He sent me a couple songs and we spent the day emailing back and forth about the meaning of the lyrics. I hadn't talked to him since the end of school. I know he wants me to share more with him and ask questions (about my conversion), but when I heard he said that he couldn't do this again because his ex-wife had converted for him, I feel it would be wrong to have him too involved. We are only friends first of all, and secondly, I can't do anything that I know might hurt him. Not only is he a friend that I care about, but that is also just who I am. He is my friend and he doesn't have to hurt because of my decision to convert. He has emailed me and told me that he's a man and not soft, but it's still hard to share when I don't know where the line of okay and bad memories lies. I care too much about people to hurt them on purpose. Candle lighting time is in 19 minutes. I have nothing prepared for dinner tonight because I wasn't hungry. I will have a bowl of cereal ready for my first shabbat dinner which is fine since I am home alone. I had my Hebrew practice lesson today. It went better than expected. I am no whiz for sure. At the end, GZ ended with Shabbat Shalom. On my first candle lighting and since I am experiencing this amazing even by myself, that Shabbat Shalom will always hold special meaning. |
| Today I read Jewish Crash Course #52 from Aish History. I get an email every day with a short article describing an important event in history. #52 was about the Hassidic Movement. It was directed toward the poor at first, but it spread. I noticed that the Rabbis were given names that started with Ba'al. I learned that it means "master" or "expert". There are things from that movement that drew me to it, like spirituality infused in everything, every part of life. This is one of the things I love about Judiaism. Everything we have is because of Hashem and I cannot imagine a greater way to show Him that we are grateful and love Him than to thank Him and include Him in everything we do, eat,and think about. There are a couple emails I obviously missed because I did not learn about the false messiah Shabbetai Tzvi. I have to find that one and read that one. I agree with Vilna Gaon that the idea that G-d is "in all things" is too close to pantheism. If God is in all things then we can worship anything because we would be worshiping part of G-d. This is obviously not Torah and not okay in any way. I was drawn to Chabad and agree with their way of thinking, interpretation, and worship of Hashem. Chabad stands for: wisdom understanding and knoweledge. This leads into the women's Tanya class that I attended tonight. We heard about how the soul came from G-d's innermost being (which, of course, I have heard in other Chabad classes) and that it is from the name of Hashem: Yud, Hay, Vuv, Hay. At the end she posed the question, "How does knowing your soul is from the name of Hashem affect you?" The Tanya says that "the letters and words" (he spoke everything into existence) "contains the holiness of G-d's will and wisdom." All of this learning about the depth of our existence and what Hashem gave of himself to create us, create me, is hitting me hard right now. What it means for my worth as a human being and creation of Hashem and what it means for everyone I meet and how much love Hashem has for them to create them with a piece of his innermost being. It takes the golden rule to a new level. Loving your neighbor is a given because of Hashem's gift of life in them. Loving your neighbor is loving Hashem because we obviously matter more to him than we ould ever fathom. I want ot hold ontho this knowedge of the depth of God's love and grace and what we mean to him. How could I ever be dso down on myself or think bad about myself i G-d thought so much of me to create me so I could be loved and close ot him. I am in no way capturing all that what is going on in my mind and heart, but it is almost midnight and I Have to get up in 5 hours to start another long day. There's just so much good stuff ot learn it's hard to stop. I didn't even get a chance to tell you about my Hebre lesson today. 143 Celebrating no matter what Some gripe that they cannot reach out for G-d's help because they are not worthy. Others celebrate that, as unworthy as they are, they have a G-d who answers their cries. Wisdom to Heal the Earth by Tzvi Freeman |
| I went to my dad's house for the weekend. I was able to see my sister T for the first time in over 15 years. It was wonderful to be able to see her and love on her. She has no problem with my conversion since she knows our brother is a messianic Jew (not that I understand how that can even possible). It was my dad that surprised me. He doesn't care that I'm converting, but not eating meat and dairy together was over the line (I wouldn't eat Hamburger Helper). "That is old testament. Jess died on the cross so we are under a new covenant." When he said that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and I replied, "or for taxes. Those darn Romans." I expected an argument. Apparently not believing in Jesus is okay, but not eating Hamburger Helper went too far. It was sweet that my sister stood up for me, but I have to laugh a little. I mean, priorities? I did well with my morning and evening prayers for the first time. I bought a pocket prayer book that I keep in my purse since I am rarely home to eat. I shouldn't have a problem benching now. I just need the bruchas printed now. I've been using an online site, but having them in my hands like the after meals prayer would be ideal. My other books came in too. To Pray as a Jew by Rabbi Hayim Halevy Donin. I'm hoping this one will help me since being a woman seems to be the condition to not have to do certain things, but requires you to lead in others. I want to get it right. The Sabbath by Abraham Joshua Heschel. Going Kosher in 30 Days by Rabbi Zalman Goldstein. This book does have all the blessing (bruchas) written as well as so much great information. I can't wait to get to day 2. My new Hebre-English Tanakh. I actually stopped using my bible a while ago after I threw it across the room. I've been using the Sefaria app, but that is not practical to use during a zoom call and because I work with technology every day, a printed copy was very much needed. I will also be able to start my study of Isaiah again. Chapter 15, here I come. Lastly, I'm excited to start reading Wisdom to Heal the Earth by Tzvi Freeman at work after finish the book All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr. I've been obsessed with realistic fiction, especially about WWII, but Jewish wisdom is life changing. I've peeked through the book already and am so excited to read more. I get daily wisdom emails from Tzvi Freeman (Through Chabad) and love how reading tha small dose of Jewish wisdom each day fills another notch of joy in my soul. Jewish wisdom is one of the turning points for me towards my final decision to convert so this book will always hold a special place in my heart. I wish I could remember the book that convinced me that it was time to study Hebrew (a book of Jewish wisdom only written in Hebrew) but I can't remember the title or the author. I'm sure one day Hashem will put it back into my hands when He knows I am ready for it. My Hebrew class is about to start. Hebrew Conversation (Unit 1) $ 30 Easy Hebrew Method (Unit 1) $60 I finished my Hebrew lesson. I restarted Hebrew conversation 1.1 and learned new things. I always do with GZ. He asked me to join his Easy Hebrew Method class right after because only one guy showed up. It was the same lesson from last week and I remembered almost nothing from it. I understand why he wanted me to start all over. It's a bit frustrating, but I know I've some progress. Time to pray and get some rest. 5 am comes fast! |
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