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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| Well, I screwed that up! Don't get me wrong, part of that was great. I lit the candles, said the blessing, welcomed in the Shabbat, read till late and went ot bed. I got up Saturday morning feeling good having left my cellphone down stairs and said my morning prayers. I felt great going down the stairs excited to see how my cholent was doing and noticed it didn't look like it had been cooking all night. I started to wonder if my crockpot was broken when I saw the problem. I DIDN'T PLUG IT IN!!! 12 WHOLE HOURS LATER ( It is supposed to cook for 16!) so, I plugged it in (which is a no no on Shabbat) and turned it up on high hoping that since the beans soaked all night, they would cook in 8 hours instead of 16. They did and it was so good I was surprised it came from my kitchen. I will be happy to do it right next time, but I must say that was amazing! Well, my daughter called and said it was an emergency so my no tech rule got thrown out the window. I sat and read most of the day finishing my book Jew by Choice and staring my Pray Like a Jew book. I finished Shabbat with the prayers and turned off the lights and put the leftovers in the fridge. Hebrew Conversation Unit 2 Starts tomorrow. |
| I'm making cholent for the first time. I've never cooked with pearle barley before or anything for a full 16 hours before so I'm a bit nervous. I added a few carrots because some recipes had it added and it is a type of stew. I'm lighting the candles tonight for the first time ever. They are small battery operated candles because I am not allowed to have an open flame in my apartment. I have not tried challah yet. I will this week after making my banana bread. My friend emailed me the other day. He sent me a couple songs and we spent the day emailing back and forth about the meaning of the lyrics. I hadn't talked to him since the end of school. I know he wants me to share more with him and ask questions (about my conversion), but when I heard he said that he couldn't do this again because his ex-wife had converted for him, I feel it would be wrong to have him too involved. We are only friends first of all, and secondly, I can't do anything that I know might hurt him. Not only is he a friend that I care about, but that is also just who I am. He is my friend and he doesn't have to hurt because of my decision to convert. He has emailed me and told me that he's a man and not soft, but it's still hard to share when I don't know where the line of okay and bad memories lies. I care too much about people to hurt them on purpose. Candle lighting time is in 19 minutes. I have nothing prepared for dinner tonight because I wasn't hungry. I will have a bowl of cereal ready for my first shabbat dinner which is fine since I am home alone. I had my Hebrew practice lesson today. It went better than expected. I am no whiz for sure. At the end, GZ ended with Shabbat Shalom. On my first candle lighting and since I am experiencing this amazing even by myself, that Shabbat Shalom will always hold special meaning. |
| Today I read Jewish Crash Course #52 from Aish History. I get an email every day with a short article describing an important event in history. #52 was about the Hassidic Movement. It was directed toward the poor at first, but it spread. I noticed that the Rabbis were given names that started with Ba'al. I learned that it means "master" or "expert". There are things from that movement that drew me to it, like spirituality infused in everything, every part of life. This is one of the things I love about Judiaism. Everything we have is because of Hashem and I cannot imagine a greater way to show Him that we are grateful and love Him than to thank Him and include Him in everything we do, eat,and think about. There are a couple emails I obviously missed because I did not learn about the false messiah Shabbetai Tzvi. I have to find that one and read that one. I agree with Vilna Gaon that the idea that G-d is "in all things" is too close to pantheism. If God is in all things then we can worship anything because we would be worshiping part of G-d. This is obviously not Torah and not okay in any way. I was drawn to Chabad and agree with their way of thinking, interpretation, and worship of Hashem. Chabad stands for: wisdom understanding and knoweledge. This leads into the women's Tanya class that I attended tonight. We heard about how the soul came from G-d's innermost being (which, of course, I have heard in other Chabad classes) and that it is from the name of Hashem: Yud, Hay, Vuv, Hay. At the end she posed the question, "How does knowing your soul is from the name of Hashem affect you?" The Tanya says that "the letters and words" (he spoke everything into existence) "contains the holiness of G-d's will and wisdom." All of this learning about the depth of our existence and what Hashem gave of himself to create us, create me, is hitting me hard right now. What it means for my worth as a human being and creation of Hashem and what it means for everyone I meet and how much love Hashem has for them to create them with a piece of his innermost being. It takes the golden rule to a new level. Loving your neighbor is a given because of Hashem's gift of life in them. Loving your neighbor is loving Hashem because we obviously matter more to him than we ould ever fathom. I want ot hold ontho this knowedge of the depth of God's love and grace and what we mean to him. How could I ever be dso down on myself or think bad about myself i G-d thought so much of me to create me so I could be loved and close ot him. I am in no way capturing all that what is going on in my mind and heart, but it is almost midnight and I Have to get up in 5 hours to start another long day. There's just so much good stuff ot learn it's hard to stop. I didn't even get a chance to tell you about my Hebre lesson today. 143 Celebrating no matter what Some gripe that they cannot reach out for G-d's help because they are not worthy. Others celebrate that, as unworthy as they are, they have a G-d who answers their cries. Wisdom to Heal the Earth by Tzvi Freeman |
| I went to my dad's house for the weekend. I was able to see my sister T for the first time in over 15 years. It was wonderful to be able to see her and love on her. She has no problem with my conversion since she knows our brother is a messianic Jew (not that I understand how that can even possible). It was my dad that surprised me. He doesn't care that I'm converting, but not eating meat and dairy together was over the line (I wouldn't eat Hamburger Helper). "That is old testament. Jess died on the cross so we are under a new covenant." When he said that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and I replied, "or for taxes. Those darn Romans." I expected an argument. Apparently not believing in Jesus is okay, but not eating Hamburger Helper went too far. It was sweet that my sister stood up for me, but I have to laugh a little. I mean, priorities? I did well with my morning and evening prayers for the first time. I bought a pocket prayer book that I keep in my purse since I am rarely home to eat. I shouldn't have a problem benching now. I just need the bruchas printed now. I've been using an online site, but having them in my hands like the after meals prayer would be ideal. My other books came in too. To Pray as a Jew by Rabbi Hayim Halevy Donin. I'm hoping this one will help me since being a woman seems to be the condition to not have to do certain things, but requires you to lead in others. I want to get it right. The Sabbath by Abraham Joshua Heschel. Going Kosher in 30 Days by Rabbi Zalman Goldstein. This book does have all the blessing (bruchas) written as well as so much great information. I can't wait to get to day 2. My new Hebre-English Tanakh. I actually stopped using my bible a while ago after I threw it across the room. I've been using the Sefaria app, but that is not practical to use during a zoom call and because I work with technology every day, a printed copy was very much needed. I will also be able to start my study of Isaiah again. Chapter 15, here I come. Lastly, I'm excited to start reading Wisdom to Heal the Earth by Tzvi Freeman at work after finish the book All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr. I've been obsessed with realistic fiction, especially about WWII, but Jewish wisdom is life changing. I've peeked through the book already and am so excited to read more. I get daily wisdom emails from Tzvi Freeman (Through Chabad) and love how reading tha small dose of Jewish wisdom each day fills another notch of joy in my soul. Jewish wisdom is one of the turning points for me towards my final decision to convert so this book will always hold a special place in my heart. I wish I could remember the book that convinced me that it was time to study Hebrew (a book of Jewish wisdom only written in Hebrew) but I can't remember the title or the author. I'm sure one day Hashem will put it back into my hands when He knows I am ready for it. My Hebrew class is about to start. Hebrew Conversation (Unit 1) $ 30 Easy Hebrew Method (Unit 1) $60 I finished my Hebrew lesson. I restarted Hebrew conversation 1.1 and learned new things. I always do with GZ. He asked me to join his Easy Hebrew Method class right after because only one guy showed up. It was the same lesson from last week and I remembered almost nothing from it. I understand why he wanted me to start all over. It's a bit frustrating, but I know I've some progress. Time to pray and get some rest. 5 am comes fast! |
| I learned today is the day that King Achasverus granted Mordechai anything he wanted. It is believed that it is a metaphor that Hashem will grant his children whatever they want. Something that private deserves a different journal. |
| This journal was written (and will be before being put on here) in a journal by hand. The journal was given to me by a friend who when I told her that I was converting to Judaism, she told me that I was going to hell and that I was going to be just another arrogant Jew that will make her feel like an idiot. Needless to say things have not been the same between us since. Her "another Jew" statement was directed at a mutual friend of ours. How could she make such an anti Semitic comment about her friend (who is still friends with her to this day)? How could I say anything to break up their relationship though? What good would that do? I still love my friend and eventually fond memories of game nights and laughter will replace the hate statements. Even if our lunches and dinners never make it past what has become superficial conversations, I will never forget the lesson I learned through her - what it feel like to be hated for simply being (or in my case just wanting to be) a Jew. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are 4 things that I have been focusing on so far with my conversion: 1. Learning Hebrew 2. Going Kosher (while understanding the spiritual element and application) 3. Praying (understanding what is included and what to prayers to pray when) 4. Reading & videos Let's start in order - learning Hebrew. I have to admit that I started learning Hebrew before making the final decision to convert to Judaism. I wanted to get closer to G-d and grow my relationship with Him. Hebrew for Christians (website) was a gateway for me - as strange as it sounds. It wasn't just the Hebrew, though I did fall in love with the language rather quickly. It was a quote from a Jewish author in which his book was only available in Hebrew. I had been putting off learning Hebrew until I mastered Spanish, but craved so badly that Jewish wisdom that I had to start learning. I wanted to read that book - I don't even remember the title of it now - and I wanted to read the bible to grow my relationship with G-d. It only took a few months before I started understanding the words in Hebrew were manipulated in the New Testament, and even a few in the Old Testament to change the meaning of the test. I became angry and stopped learning Spanish (for a few months) to focus only on Hebrew. I watched all (overstatement) of the videos Rabbi Tovia Singer had on YouTube and checked vigorously my King James Bible against my Sefaria app and would see the manipulation before Rabbi Singer would say it. Every question I had about Christianity, everything that made me question, was clarified through learning Hebrew and viewing the English translation through a Jewish lens. I had to go back to my roots to the G-d of the Old Testament. To the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. There is so much more to my decision to convert, but this beautiful language was a doorway for me to Judaism. So the questions, "What have I done to learn Hebrew and what am I doing now?" need to be answered. I started learning Hebrew through Duolingo. I knew that app alone was not enough for me to learn. I started adding videos on YouTube to help learn the alphabet "Alef Bet" and basic words. This still was not enough. I needed to be able to pronounce words and know what they meant. I added music. I stared with Joshua Aaron, a messianic Jew. The term messianic Jew is a complete contradiction in terms in my opinion, but he didn't have a heavy Yiddish accent and was easy to understand. I quickly fell in love with Avraham Fried and his passion through he has a large amount of Yiddish. I built my ever expanding Hebrew playlist on YouTube. I joined Learning Hebrew groups on Facebook where I was introduced to GZ. For $30 I started Hebrew Conversation Unit 1 where I learned to talk in Hebrew and understand gender rules. He had me joining Easy Hebrew Method and I learned Hebrew words while reviewing the alphabet (Alef Bet). He is a very good teacher and will answer questions over messenger in addition to questions in class. Number 2 - going Kosher Of course I Had heard of kosher and knew to choose kosher food, but never really understood it. I read articles and learned recipes, but never really understood the importance of it until I read, "The Rambam Diet (Maimonides) Basic Manual" translated by Solomon Michan M. It was through this book that I understood the connection of health, food, spirituality, and Hashem. I learned about the importance of eating bread in the mornings and how emotions play an important role in digestion. "A person who wants to take care of his health has to remove sadness, anger, and fear and bring happiness. All those emotions affect the soul so we have to be glad with what we have and not complain. Also, it's not good to worry about everything, without worries, we can control our body heat, have a better digestion,, and strengthen our minds." and "The opposite of joy is worry." These quotes stood out to me because of Nehemiah 8:10. "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." This is the verse I have held onto when I was down, stressed, or life seemed to overwhelm me. I would put on joyful music and try to be joyful. Who knew I was helping my digestion. Going kosher has definately given food a spiritual aspect from learning blessings "bruchas" to praying after the meal "benching" to what to eat when and why. Separating meat and cheese is a very conscious act since I have always eaten meat and dairy together. Tacos will never be tacos again. A chicken salad with ranch dressing is a thing of the past. I, however, am not complaining. I find it amazing that a simple change of separating meat and dairy can have a large impact on the body. My body feels good. I have yet to make challah but as summer arrives, my time to experiment and create will increase exponentially. Number 3 - praying I definitely do not have prayer all figured out yet. I have The Complete Artscroll Siddur and pray the Shema twice a day. I do the morning prayers transliterated on Chabad.org website. My Siddur has the Modeh Ani the same but not the others. I pray the bedtime Shema. I learned about the angel Uriel. I had never heard of that angel before, but when I asked, I was given articles to read. I love the language of the prayers and found that it is difficult not to stop partway through and have a private heartfelt conversation with Hashem or just thank him for the event, the thought, or whatever in the prayer struck me. My prayer has, without question, reached an ew level. I have never felt closer to G-d than I do now when I pray. The words, "Blessed are you, Lord our God, Master of the universe..." fill me with joy and warmth. I've been attending a class every Sunday called Chassidic Insights into daily prayers, however, the Rabbi uses a different prayer book than mine and I haven't found which prayer he is discussing. That may seem odd, but the language and topics repeat in most of the prayers. Also, I do not have them all memorized yet. Chabad Academy sometimes has other classes about prayer and I try to catch all of those. Number 4 - reading & videos I have been reading a lot. I've spent too much on books and am struggling with the fact that I haven't bought a new pair of shoes. I could not begin to count the number of articles I've read and words I've looked up which have led to more articles. I've gone into an endless cave of learning, wisdom, and insights. This in in addition to the books. I already mentioned The Rambam Diet (short book)that I was able to read in a day even with my busy schedule. To Be a Jew: A Guide to Jewish Observance in Contemporary Life by Rabbi Hayim Halevy Donn is full of good information, but a lot of information all at once. I have skipped around that book a bit but it leads to a bunch of articles to look up more information. I'm really enjoying Choosing a Jewish Life by Anita Diamant. I'm about halfway through it, but it is probably the first book I haven't written in. How to Run a Traditional Jewish Household by Blu Greenberg is a good guide to the technical aspects of Jewish life. It is easy to follow, but not recommended as the first thing you read. Know the Jewish terms and most used words before reading this one. Never in my life have I watched so much YouTube. Classes that I missed or wanted to watch again from Chabad Academy take a lot of my time. From Me to Jew a conversion story that is still added to since she is getting married. Other conversion stories. Rabbi Tovia Singer's videos though he needs new jokes. I've watched videos from the Women's League for Conservative Judaism to get a woman's perspective. They have some resources on their site I can't wait to get (when I can afford to buy more stuff). Specifically a planner/calendar that has all of the candle lighting times for the year and prayers including the after meal prayer shortened version. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I have new books arriving this week that I am excited about .Books about prayer, going kosher, the sabbath, chasidic wisdom, the Tanakh and prayers. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Music has been a progression. Because I didn't listen to secular music, I started focusing my playlist on songs that did not include Jesus but rather focused on the love and praise of G-d. Then I added messianic music to get used to singing in Hebrew. Then I found Avraham Fried who still remains my favorite. Others I like are Beri Weber, Mordechai Shapiro, Mordechai Ben David (MBD), Shiria Choir, and I'm getting acquainted with others. Ones I need to look up yet are Muti Steinmetz (Heard a little) and Zusha and Ishay Ribo. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My dad doesn't seem to understand my decision. He doesn't understand what conversion means or what that means for my beliefs and life. He still tells me that Jesus loves me. I understand that he doesn't understand. Just saying that I believe in G-d but not that Jesus is G-d is not simply enough. Telling him that I'm becoming a Jew isn't simple enough. So I just say, "I love you, Dad," and change the subject. My children have been super supportive. My daughter D and her husband took me out to dinner and paid extra to be able to send desert home with me since I don't eat meat and dairy in the same meal. My daughter A1 bought me Jewish books for Mother's Day. My daughter A2 has joined me in eating kosher. If at the end of this all I have is my children and a closer relationship with Hashem, I will still have come out ahead. |
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