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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| Lashon Hara is negative talk about someone. It includes gossip, which I have been dealing with at work for two years now. I'm sorry to my friend that these rumors are centered around. Why is this significant to my conversion? One word: Shabbat. One thing I love about Shabbat is that I don't have to deal with rumors. The ladies (and gentlemen) I get to see every week don't spend Shabbat gossiping. They share inspiring stories, pray together and for one another. They do everything they can to lift one another up and spread joy. At lunch today we talked about hanging around people that you want to emulate. Though lashon hara was not the topic of conversation (not even close) it still fits. If we want to gossip, we hang around people who gossip. If we want to be happy, we hang around people who make us happy. I love to pray, to worship G-d, and to do things to make others happy. On Shabbat that is the type of people I get to hand around. People who love to pray. People who worship G-d. People who go out of their way (I've seen many times and feel so blessed to be able to witness this) to make others feel happy. I am blessed every Shabbat with a story of encouragement, an example of faith in action, warm smiles, and real holiness. While I could go on about how wonderful these people are, I'll instead give examples of new habits that I have formed because of these people opening up their homes, their lives, and their hearts to me. 1. The moment I am conscious in the morning, I thank G-d. 2. I wash my hands when I get up. 3. I use the bathroom and thank G-d for the ability to use the bathroom. 4. I say my morning blessings, the Shema, and the Amidah before starting the day. 5. I pray the Wayfarer's Prayer as I leave town for work and every weekend when I go to shul. 6. I listen to music that blesses, thanks, and praises G-d on my way to work as well as throughout the day (though I did this before all this - just now it is in Hebrew). 7. I say a blessing before eating anything (even a peanut). 8. I say a blessing after eating (even after a snack). 9. If work is stressful, I say Tehillim during lunch. Regardless, I say it every day. 10. I listen to Hebrew videos while grading papers. 11. I pray in the afternoon and evening every chance I get. 12. I give of my time, money, and resources knowing (now) that I am not the only one doing this and it is normal and encouraged. 13. I say Kiddush and Havdalah. 14. I bake Challah (and share it!). 15. I light candles and say a blessing. 16. I drive to shul (though I would rather live there already and not have to drive). 17. I eat kosher and have even separated meat and dairy in my fridge and freezer (though I still don't have a kosher kitchen. How could I?). 18. I say a bedtime prayer (which I have always done). 19. I study - a lot! (not only Hebrew). 20. I study the Tanach with a study group Though some of this I was already doing, it has been so helpful to see others practice as well. On Shabbat, I get to focus on what others do, or what they don't do. I get to focus on their traditions and routines, their family bonds, their stories, their humor, their wisdom. Then I have hours that I get to process what I've seen and heard and talk with G-d about it and about my future or just thank him for allowing me to have those experiences. This season in my life is very hard. I understand why Judaism is not for everyone and G-d has to want a person converted for it to occur. Conversion is hard. On Shabbat though, it isn't. Nothing (except the six hours of driving and leaving everyone behind when I come home) is hard on Shabbat. It's only been five months since I have attending shul and less than that since I started becoming part of the community there. Some friends it feels like I have known for years and others, I still don't remember their names. Every day that I get to go to shul and pray, hear the Torah being read, and hear a message, I thank G-d that I was able to have that experience with him. On days that I don't make it (twice in the past five months), I tell him how much I missed it and how much I wish I could have been there. Some days the world is cruel and people are cruel. Some days I am exhausted from work. Some days my brain feels like jelly and I am overwhelmed with learning and what I still need to learn. Some days the world is just too much. Then there is Shabbat. Thank you G-d for Shabbat. |
| I was downstate earlier this weekend than normal. For a few minutes, I focused on the mass amounts of traffic, the full parking lots, the ongoing construction (IN JANUARY!), and the millions of stop lights. It became overwhelming for a moment. I missed the trees, the open air and the sounds of animals over cars. I thought, "Is this where you really want me G-d?" The moment that thought came out of my mouth, my thoughts changed to my shul, my observance, the people I've met and have yet to meet, and how much I have already grown closer to G-d in only the past year. I said aloud - thankfully no one could hear me over the traffic and I was just a crazy person walking on the side of the road talking to herself - "I know you do, and I trust you L-rd." And I meant it. It was one year ago almost to the date that I had started learning Hebrew (on my own at this point) and really diving into what it took to convert and what it meant to be a Jew. I celebrated this lone journey in the most amazing way! I stopped at the Jewish part of town where all of the Jewish stores are located. I parked by a Jewish bookstore, walked across a couple of parking lots, and went into my first Dunkin Doughnuts. I got a dozen doughnuts for my daughter, her boyfriend, and her roommate. There were two boys in there wearing kippahs. That was the first time outside of my small circle at shul that I have seen anyone wear kippahs. It was an exciting feeling, and the events that followed made that excitement grow. I walked back across the parking lots and entered the Jewish bookstore. It was a bit cramped for the space, but the moment I walked in, my heart was full of joy. I recognized a lot of the items from homes that I had either eaten lunch or dinner at: the challah covers, the challah boards, the kiddush sets, Shabbat lamps, etc. My next trip is going to be to buy a Shabbat lamp. This time I bought the book set "The Book of Our Heritage: The Jewish Year and Its Days of Significance" by Eliyahu Kitov. It is a 3 volume set that I was able to look through at a friend's house and have wanted since. It was a bit more expensive than if I had bought it online, but I'm sure the bookstore owner's rent is expensive for the area. Though I have heard that Moses spoke for 30 days before his passing, it didn't stick until I opened the book and read it. The book was in excellent condition, but it had obviously been read before, because there were lip prints on it that were not mine. I did wipe them off a bit because it is a weird thought to think that I will be kissing the book that someone else's lips (not knowing whose) touched. The bookstore clerk (owner?) joked that I would be quizzed over Shevat (the month we are currently in) next week. I just laughed and said, "ok." There was a kosher bakery and pizza place right in the same complex, but I didn't stop at either of them (I had doughnuts!). Instead, I drove across the street (a very busy one) to the kosher grocery store. It was the first time I had ever walked into a kosher grocery store. I felt very much in the way as people rushed around buying their last minute supplies for the incoming storm and the start of Shabbat. Even though I felt in the way, I felt at home. I wanted to look at everything and tried to take as much time as possible. They had everything you ever wanted to be kosher - like chicken nuggets! I picked up some dry goods and supplies for the weekend since I there was a possibility to getting snowed in (which I was). I left other things I really wanted (like the chicken nuggets) for one of the special perks to look forward to when I moved there (and I really didn't have a place to keep it for the entire weekend or think it would make a three hour trip home so why get addicted now?). I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes wishing I had a laptop with me and could write right then. I felt so at home instead of feeling out of place, which I expected to feel. I then saw someone from my shul in the parking lot as I was pulling away. I think out of everything, that was the most exciting part of the entire experience. In that huge city with hundreds of cars streaming past and strangers everywhere, I knew someone. Someone nice. Someone I wanted to know. Someone who I have danced with and eaten with and prayed with. She smiled and waved to me (as I did to her), and I pulled out. The traffic jam followed shortly after the shopping trip as I was driving to my daughter's house. I prayed my car would not overheat in the traffic jam. I turned on my YouTube playlist and began rocking out to Beri Weber, Mordechai Shapiro, and Avraham Fried becoming that crazy lady in the traffic jam that everyone tries not to stare at but wants to know what they are listening to at the same time. I made it to my daughter's. Got snowed in and missed shul. One year ago, I sat in this same apartment by myself (my daughter probably here and hiding in her room as a normal teenager) learning the Alef Bet and Googling Jewish words and holidays like crazy not knowing what I was doing or where it would lead. Here I am one year later. I have an amazing Hebrew tutor that has taught me not only the Alef Bet (which I still did not have down months later), but also to speak in Hebrew, have conversations (very short ones at this point) in Hebrew, and read Hebrew (even if I don't know what all the words mean yet)! I have a community that I have become a part of (though I never expected it) and friends I have gained (and love very much because they are the most amazing people). I have a place to pray. I have classes that I get to attend with various Rabbis (American Rabbi, the Rabbi that glows, the main Rabbi, online Rabbis, etc.) for guidance in living an orthodox life as well as growing closer to G-d. I eat kosher and know what that means (Google is not as helpful as real humans). I've learned a small amount of Jewish recipes, follow Jewish cooks, bake challah, make matzah ball soup, and eat meat only on weekends. I pray in the morning, in the afternoon (sometimes), and in the evening. I say a blessing before I eat (which I've always done) and after I eat (though still working on this habit since I get distracted too easy). And I have openly come out as converting (to my friends and family - a few supportive, most not). My email inbox has gone through this transformation with me. I am not the same person I was a year ago, and I never want to go back. Thank you Hashem for this entire weekend, for the safety in travel, for the firsts I experienced, for the community that has welcomed me, and for changing my life and brining me closer to you. I love you. |
I told my boss today that I applied for other jobs and plan on leaving at the end of the school year. He cried and said that he would need to break the news to the school before the end of the year to give them time to mourn also. My heart is breaking.  Hashem, my trust is in you. You're leading. I'm following. |
| I hate writing cover letters. I hate filling out applications. It has literally taken days to fill out this 29 section application for a few county school positions (one application for the entire county). I submitted that today along with another application for a community college. I am hoping between the two (or just one), that I will earn enough to not have to stress about making rent and utility and student loan payments. Why is this information relevant to my conversion? Because the only reason that I am getting a new job is because I need to move within walking distance of my shul. My conversion is the reason I have spent days doing paperwork, finding addresses, and updating my resume and references. Once I have a job secured, I will secure an apartment. I still have a few months before I need to worry about moving (about 8 at the most), so I am trusting that Hashem will provide when it is the right time. I spent all day Sunday creating a table (in order of the alef bet - alphabet) of all of the words I know in Hebrew. There are well over 400 words but only one form of each word is on the table. I know multiple forms of many of the words, masculine and feminine and plural. I was so into creating my table that I missed a Hebrew lesson. GZ messaged me to see if I was okay because I never miss. He then reminded me of some words that I forgot to add. I will be adding those tonight. Though I wish sometimes that I can just focus on one thing during this conversion, I know I can't. I get little bits and pieces of things done and things learned and do my best to apply them right away. It takes time and different aspects of my life require me to move at different paces. I'm sure this is true of everyone that converts. Either that or is just the way my brain works. I'm learning to trust G-d at a new level, and it's hard. Nothing about this journey has been easy. I've given up time that I spent on things that I loved doing, like writing poems and stories, to write cover letters and submit applications. I study all the time and there is always so much more to study. I have a large selection of new books and a large number waiting in my Amazon cart to be purchased. I'm not complaining (well except about writing cover letters). I wish I had more time to focus on learning and studying, but I know that is the impatient side of me trying to peek through. I need to work, not only to pay my bills, but because I have a purpose there. Though I know my purpose there is coming to an end (or else I wouldn't be forced to write cover letters), I know I am giving up an amazing job. Though my sense of loss is eradicated one day a week (when I am at shul and Tehillim), I feel it the other six. I did not enter this conversion process lightly. It took years to come to this decision. I do not have any doubts even now about this decision (even after being forced to write cover letters). I will be telling my boss tomorrow that I am submitting applications elsewhere (because I did use him as a reference). Like I said, I am trusting G-d on a new level, and it's hard. I love you my king. |
| It has been a week since I have written. I did go to shul last Saturday and attended Tehillim. As a person who overthinks things, I had some things to think through. A wise person told me that when I start to overthink, instead, I should think about the why behind what I am overthinking. This was a great help this week as I was able to look at a situation from a different angle because I understood why it was constantly going through my mind. I was asked this week, not why I want to become a Jew, but rather (and a much better question in my opinion), what I love about Judaism. I have mentioned things these past few months (hard to believe that it has been 7 months already that I have been chronicling my experience). I know that I have mentioned Jewish wisdom and the fact that I started studying Hebrew earlier than I had planned because of wanting to read a book written in Hebrew that was full of Jewish wisdom. The paragraph above is a small example of why I love Jewish wisdom. I'm reading a book (why I haven't written all week - too busy reading) In Good Hands Bitachon: Trusting in G-d 100 Letters and talks of the Lubavitcher Rebbe by Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson. The book is available for free to read on Chabad.org if you are interested. Just type in the title and the word Chabad and it should come up. There are so many sentences in this book that I could quote. Hashem worked for a long time on my patience (which was not fun). Now, I know that he is working on my trust, and like always, he is being very blunt about it. This is not at all surprising to me. After all, he knows that I don't take hints. It has been several posts that I voiced my concerns about moving due to financial worries and employment. I had a friend ask me if I had heard anything yet about a job, and my reply was, "No." She excitedly said, "Good, that means you might have to stay a while longer." Panic began to set in. "I don't want to stay. I have to go" is what I thought at first. I thought about how unhappy I would be if I had to stay and had to wait another year or even months to move. It was hours later that I read one of the Rebbe's letters in the book and it changed my view. I've been stressed about moving away from my job because I love my job. I didn't want to leave the community I serve. I struggled with that thought and cried and asked G-d why he would want to uproot my life. Why couldn't I stay and serve him? Fast forward to tonight. What I read wasn't anything new. I had heard it before. I knew it to be true. However, a peace settled over me that has been missing and I see how G-d has changed my thoughts and my heart in such a short amount of time. I want to move. I want to be a part of that community. I want to live within walking distance of my shul. I want to live an Orthodox Jewish life of observance. I love that the first thing I think about the moment that I am conscious is G-d. I get to thank him immediately. Every move I make though out the entire day centers around him. The morning prayers, the Shema, the bruchas, the after meal blessing, the washing of my hands when I wake and before I eat bread, every bite of food I take, the books I read, the prayers I pray, reading Tehillim, studying my Hebrew, praying at bedtime, learning new things each day and new observances, all the reasons why we observe the way we do, etc. I know what life is like before this conversion, and I don't want to go back. Ever. I love living my life with the focus on G-d and I know that moving will help me do that even more than I new now. It will take me to that next level. I have no doubt that G-d already has things set up for me for when he says it is the right time. I have no doubt that he called me to do this and lit the flame in soul so I would accept his timing. I can't imagine what tomorrow has in store for me, but I know one thing for sure. G-d will be there already, because he goes before me and behind me and with me. Thank you Hashem for your peace. Even in uncertain times. I love you. |
| For a Convert converting to Judaism, Christmas season cannot be prepared for ahead of time. All of the preparation and warnings and advice about the season is not enough. My Rabbi said, "Soft landing" when I asked him how I should respond to my family and friends during this time. "Let them get you gifts if they want." The problem is not only with my family, but with all of society. Any store I went to, any person that I passed, any stranger I passed, all said Merry Christmas. There was no escape from the decorations, the phrases, or the songs. The expectation to say it back is felt and the disappointment of not saying it back is felt and seen. Christmas trees are in every building (including public places and schools). There is no way to not know that the holiday is being celebrated by most of the country. Things I didn't do: I did not say Merry Christmas. I was kind and said, "Enjoy your holidays." After all, they are not mine. I did not decorate at all. I no longer own any Christmas decorations or clothing so that part was easy. I did not attend any Christmas dinners. I did not accept gifts on Christmas from my children. This may seem a bit harsh since they all still celebrate it as a time of lights and gift giving and family celebration, but they understood and honored my request to give me gift for Chanukah or my birthday if they felt the need to give me anything. I did not argue back with my dad. I let him be angry and respond but held my tongue and gave no response. I understand his passion for his faith and can't blame him for feeling angry at me for not living the way the rest of my (very large) family lives or believe the same as the rest of my (very large) family. I did not watch Hallmark movies (there are soooo many). (I have not watched TV in a while because I have been studying in all of my spare time). I did not sing Christmas songs. ( I did research the history of what happened to the Jews on Christmas instead). Things I did do: I let students do a Christmas countdown on their own for the month of December. It is their classroom as well as mine. Their culture matters in my room, because they matter. I did let students choose a holiday movie to watch the day before break (I was finishing a blanket for the crochet club to present to the principal for his new baby). I accepted gifts from students and parents and staff members before break. I showed appreciation because I know it meant something to them to make that gift or buy that gift. I understand that it is a way the way that have been taught to show that they care about someone. I am thankful to be so cared about. I did use my break from work to visit my children. I studied Jewish history. I spent Christmas eve learning Hebrew (Thank you GZ for spending those 5 hours with me) and part of Christmas day teaching Calculus. I am happy Christmas is over. There is no way to prepare for the stress of a holiday that is over commercialized, but there is a way to get through it. My friends helped me. It is always nice knowing that you are not the only person who does things differently than the majority of the population, but it is especially nice when you have a like minded person to share that time with. Not for a moment did I feel alone or rejected or shamed this Christmas for not observing the holiday. I was among friends. Thank you Hashem for your many blessings, your love, and your kindness. I love you. |
| Tehillim (Psalms) 66: 16-20 "Come, hearken and I shall tell all you who fear God what He did for my soul. My mouth called out to Him, and He was exalted under my tongue. If I saw iniquity in my heart, the Lord does not hear it. But God heard; He hearkened to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, Who did not remove my prayer and His kindness from me." https://www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/16287/jewish/Chapter-66.htm I went to shul today. I made it there at a decent time, though still not as early as I would have liked. The service seemed to go by so fast today. Maybe because I was so absorbed in it and didn't spend time overthinking (which I often do). The message was very good and echoed a recurring theme in my studies. This week's Torah portion was on Joseph telling his father that he was alive. The part that got me (and has gotten me before with Ester) is that G-d knew what was going to happen and sent help before it happened. G-d knew that there would be a famine, he knew that the Jewish people would become slaves, he knew he was going to rescue them, and he knew that he was going to be their G-d and them his people. He knew and he set up plan to save his people and unite them. Joseph never lost faith in the G-d of his fathers, and neither did the generations that followed. So many times we go through struggles and ask G-d, "Why?" We cry out to him for deliverance, strength, and mercy. He already knows what we are going to go through and already has help waiting. Before we even cry out to him, he has already saved us. He knows us. He knows our heart. He knows that we are going to ask for forgiveness and turn back to him and never lose our faith in him. Because he knows us, he listens when we pray. He loves us and knows our love for him, so he answers our prayers before we even ask. I know what the L-rd has done for my soul. For me. I know what he has saved me from. I know he has changed me . I know he hears my prayers and he answers them. G-d has told me over and over and over again the past couple of weeks that I am not alone in this. A Jew is never alone. Wherever this is Jew, there is G-d. Though I may not have technically be a Jew yet, I know that I am not alone in this. G-d is with me every second of every day. Thank you G-d for loving me this much. |
| Tomorrow I will be going to my uncle's house and cooking Shabbat dinner. He saw a picture of my pizza challah and wanted to try it. I made vegetable soup with matzo balls tonight so I am going to bring a little bit of that for him to try also. I will take my candles and welcome in the Shabbat while I am there and then break Shabbos by driving home. I do also plan on going to shul on Saturday. I am on break from work for a week and will be spending as much time with my children as possible before returning to work next year (meaning right after New Year's) and being absorbed in it over everything else. I am looking forward to the day that I don't have to drive three hours each way to get to shul and when I will be living there in the community. I have put in a few more applications this week so I'm hoping that I will have a job started at the end of this school year. I know if I hadn't promised my students to stay until I watched them walk across the stage at graduation, I would be in a new job and moved already. G-d, I am so grateful to you for all that you have helped me with and all that I know you will help me with on this journey. Thank you for loving me and guiding me and supporting me and helping me grow closer to you. I love you. |
Another thing I love about Judaism is the Torah portion of the week. There are books of the Tanach assigned for reading each week and read in the synagogue during Shabbat. This week's Torah portion (Mikeitz) was about Joseph becoming viceroy to Pharaoh and saving his family and the entire country of Egypt from starvation. The part that got me was (Genesis 41:19) Joseph answered Pharaoh, saying, "That is beyond me; it is G-d Who will respond with Pharaoh's welfare." This is a young man who had been left for dead by his brothers, sold into slavery, falsely accused (from which he had to run away naked  ), thrown into prison, and left in prison for years. Not only did his faith in G-d not fade, but even after all that he been through, when things were too much for him, he knew that G-d would give the answer. I stayed home today from shul to have some TAWG time - Time Alone With G-d - uninterrupted by responsibilities and distractions from every day life. Every moment that I wasn't sleeping, I was talking with G-d. I needed some clarity on a situation, and I received that. I needed some time to grieve, and I was given comfort (which resulted in the cutest picture ever of my cat hugging me). I needed encouragement, guidance, and a reminder to be patient. Psalm 1 kept coming to mind today, so during my Shabbat meal, I opened it up and read it. When I started this journey (well the committed part of it), I asked G-d for a multitude of councilors that could help me "delight in the law of the L-rd." I have not used them as much as I know I should. I have a habit of trying to do everything on my own due to my issues of trusting others. This journey is not a journey I can take alone. It requires the guidance and direction of trusted advisors. Though I have been growing and learning (my Hebrew is improving, my bruchas are memorized, I'm doing more Grace after Meals prayers, etc.), I am not where I could be if I showed my faith and trust in G-d by utilizing the people that he has put in my life to help me. Every night before I go to sleep, I pray. I always have, but there is a bedtime prayer in the siddur (the bedtime one in the Artscroll is my favorite) that I feel is the written version my heart. The first time I read it, I didn't understand how my heart could be well written on paper by someone else's hand. It is full of thanksgiving, forgiveness, reverence, faith, worship, and trust. I trust G-d. I trust him to take care of me every moment of every day, including when I am sleeping. This amount of trust for G-d is great until I am asked to trust someone that he has put in my life. That is where I am struggling. It is true that horrific events in my past have caused me to have issues trusting people, but I can't stay there. I read in the book Wisdom to Heal the Earth by Tzvi Freeman (I've mentioned the book before), "As long as you're holding on to where you were yesterday, you are standing still." What does it matter if my Hebrew improves, if I go to shul, if I learn my bruchas, if I eat kosher, or if I convert if I do not grow closer to G-d in the process? That is what this entire conversion is about, worshiping and growing closer to my creator, my G-d. So, I will put into action the trust that I have for Him and let go of what is past. I trust G-d. If he has people that I know he has put in my life, I will trust Him to guide their council. If he trust them to be my teachers and councilors, then I need to let them do their job. I know you're leading me G-d, and I'm still following. |
| Every night I light the menorah, I thank Hashem for his miracles. Thank you Hashem for bringing me to this time in my life. I love you. |
| I had a bad week this week. I did a lot of struggling with family and friends this week. The long lectures from my dad became a bit too much. I wish my dad understood some of the words that came out of his mouth, such as, "I guess the Jews aren't going to hell for worshiping just G-d." Then in another sentence (practically right after), "Jesus is G-d." Really? Isn't the point of every religion to worship the one true G-d? How can you be angry for someone doing that, and in the next sentence give another G-d to worship. I am tired of the circular argument. I'm tired of statements that contradict one another. I'm tired of hearing about Jesus taking the place over G-d in worship. Or even the worse one that every time G-d is mentioned in the Bible that it really refers to Jesus (like he sent himself and prayed to himself to help himself?). Needless to say, that with arguing with everyone, I made some people upset with me and not talk to me for days. I will not apologize for my decision to convert nor will I bend to anyone trying to change my mind. I'm not entering into this lightly and I knew when I made my decision that it would not be easy. However, I will not stand for a few things: 1. Talking bad about me and Telling me that I'm going to hell is fine, but I won't stand for talking bad about anyone at my shul or the people who are amazing and wonderful people because of my decision to join them. 2. Calling the Jews a cult and that they recruit people just to kill them. This is so far off, I don't even know where to start. First, they DON'T recruit. Converting to Judaism is not an easy process. Jews have so persecuted that they need to make sure that the person converting has the proper intentions (That would be to worship the one true G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. You know, the one that Christians claim to worship until they claim that it is Jesus). 3. I'm not quite ready to talk about this one yet. I'm thankful to have my Rabbi to talk to. He is supportive and helpful. I also sat and talked with someone after shul (for hours) and that was helpful too. I know that I am doing this alone, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone in it. Today is the 4th day of Chanukah. It was nice to see the menorah lit in front of the Chabad. I have been lighting my menorah every day and reciting the blessings. Chanukah is a family holiday (8 days worth of family and celebrations). Since I am doing this alone, and far from any Jewish community, it is a very lonely holiday. I want to celebrate with family, but they celebrate Christmas, not Chanukah. Maybe, someday. Until that day, I will eat (an enjoy because I'm a good cook) my home made delicious latkes alone. |
I was able to experience Rosh Hashanah with the community that I will be moving to in a few months. It was an unforgettable experience. One custom during Rosh Hashanah is to cook a fish and serve it with its head on. Some served only the head of the fish (as was the case in the place I went to)  . I can honestly say that I have been eating quite a bit of fish lately and have enjoyed the taste of it at every place I gone. However, if there is a custom or tribe that leaves the head on all year round, and I end up as a part of that tribe, I will never cook fish. I have only tried cooking fish once in my life - a fish my son caught - and will not feel like less of a woman if I never cook or serve a fresh fish. I still remember my rabbi talking about the fish heads during that time of year and said not to eat from the fish head because it contains worms. I don't think I will - or want to - ever forget that.       I had a dream last night, no not about fish. There were children running everywhere and climbing on things and crying and screaming. I was stressed and felt overwhelmed. I remember that feeling when my children were growing up. I see a lot of mothers stressed with their children's behavior but doing their best to hold it together. I remember that feeling and admire them for looking like they have it together and all figured out. I know I did not and do not think I could have pulled off looking like I did. Well, my dream didn't end with the feeling of stress and screaming children. It ended with a small baby placed in my arms. It was pure peace, and wonder, and love. I immediately started singing softly. That is how my dream ended. As I do with most things, I expected to go through this journey alone. I figured I'd hide in the back of shul and pray then leave, and it wouldn't make a difference. I thought I would find my way through talks with G-d, books, and still be able to keep people at arms length, but that is not the case. I had another argument with my dad. I was lectured for a long time about my conversion. I hung up the phone, slept a few hours and when my alarm went off, I contemplated not driving the three hours to shul. I told G-d, "I don't have to go every week, right?" and he answered, "Get up and go. You need this." He was right. I looked around more than normal during prayer and watched the ladies and children focus on the prayers. I watched the mothers with their children (that's how I knew they were extra stressed this week), I hugged more people than I normally do, I saw more smiles and happiness as people interacted with one another. The rabbis sitting together, pounding on the table, and chanting is going to stay with me all week long. As I stood on the corner of the street waiting for someone, a car drove up to the stop sign. The guy behind the wheel looked at my friend and I as we still there, and he shook his head and drove away. All of the arguments with my dad, the leaving my friends and job to move, and all other stress flooded back into my mind. I heard the voices of those that kept asking, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I thought about how different it must look from the outside. How different and strange it must be to see these people doing their weekly routines. I looked at my friend who was still talking and didn't seem to notice the man and had no idea what was going through my mind. Scenes from the past three months flashed through my mind, the faces of friends that I have made, my tutors, the holidays that I have celebrated, the lighting of the Shabbat candles, and I heard and saw the rabbis pounding on the table and chanting. "Yes, I do" was my reply. I walked to prayer with my friends and had a hard time concentrating on prayer. I read through the chapters three times or more as I was distracted by the sounds of children's laughter, fathers and their sons playing the basement, and seeing all the women sitting in the living room and dining room praying. As I am approaching my first ever celebrated Hanukah, I remember reading somewhere that, "A little bit of light goes a long way." These people have been an inspiration to me as I'm sure they have to most people they have met. With all of the negativity and misconceptions that I have heard and battled and read in the media, I feel privileged to get to spend time with these people and be inspired by them. I'm not doing this because of anyone that I have met. Not because of friends. Not because of the community I am moving into. Not because of the Rabbis that I have listened to in person and online. Not because of the people that have helped me so far. I'm doing this for the same reason that I started this journey. I want to have a closer relationship with G-d. That is what I asked G-d for. That is what started me on this journey and that is the reason I am still working so hard today. G-d doesn't just give you what you ask for when he answers prayer. He gives more. Am I getting closer to G-d? Absolutely. He has become the main focus in every aspect of my life from the moment I am aware of being alive in the morning, until the moment that dreams fill my head and my soul is refreshed and recharged. My relationship with G-d is becoming more than I ever thought it would be. The amount of light and encouragement my soul gets from my community, from my friends, from my rabbis, and from my tutors is enough to keep me focused on my goal of becoming a Jew. Thank you G-d for all the light I see while you are answering my prayer. |
| I've learned a bit this week. My Hebrew has improved and some words and phrases have stuck. Others, not so much. Yet! I still enjoy every lesson, even when I do a terrible job speaking or reading. Hebrew is a beautiful language and I find more and more words and phrases that I love. I like the way some of them roll off the tongue. They are fun to say and sometimes very poetic. I still have my same favorite word though. I'm not sure that will ever change. I talked a lot about kosher laws over the weekend at my friend H's house, so I decided to read up again on kosher laws and deepen my understanding beyond the separation of meat and dairy. I learned that even though fish is considered parve (neither meat nor dairy), that it cannot be eaten at the same time as meat. It can be served in the same meal as a separate course and eaten with a different plate and fork, but a drink should wash the mouth before eating meat. It should never be on the same plate or eaten with the same utensils. I asked my rabbi why, and he said, "It can cause a spiritual disease called Tza'ras." In case you're wondering what that disease is, it is leprosy.  So with this knowledge, I had to break some bad news to my daughter. I haven't told all of my children yet, but they will be a bit upset. I make a wonderful dish called pepper steak. It contains steak, peppers of three different colors, and gravy (home made) served over a bed of white rice. It is delicious. Unfortunately, I use Worcestershire sauce. Even though Worcestershire sauce is kosher, it is kosher fish. That means, I cannot put it on a meat dish. Will I get creative and find a way to make it delicious without it? Absolutely. Will it be the same. Never again. Along with pizza, tacos, chicken salad, and many other dishes, it will never be the same. |
| Shabbat is referred to as a queen or a bride as though it were a person. In the book I am reading Shabbat by Abraham Joshua Heshel introduces the book by saying, "Creating Shabbat begins with a sense of longing. It is not we who long for a day of rest, but the Sabbath spirit that is lonely and longs for us." I know that there is a feeling during Shabbat that leaves a gaping hole when Shabbat ends. It leaves a feeling of loss and longing. It is as if someone you love left and you have to wait for their return. The work week then begins and every moment of the day for six days is full of rushing, working, praying, eating, and a few hours of sleep. For one brief weekend in the coming dismal gray that will permeate the core of every living thing, I had a full Shabbat from beginning to end in one place. I left on Friday with plenty of time to make it, but life always happens. Somehow, the clips that hold my tail light in place decided to break and my tail light was flapping as I drove down the road. I looked all over my car to find something to keep the tail light in place, but found nothing. I was almost to H's house and found an Ace Hardware. I didn't have time to stop (or find a garage open on a holiday weekend) to have a new tail light installed. I bought some duck tape and taped the tail light into place. I made it to H's house with twenty minutes to spare. I lit my candles first since she wasn't ready. About ten minutes later, she lit hers. The ushering in of the Shabbat is always magical. I had to break Shabbat while I was there. There was not much opportunity for me to do that (which was amazing) but I put some moisturizer on in the morning before going to shul. That was enough to break Shabbat and still give me the entire weekend experience. I stayed through the end of Shabbat and watched as she and her husband did Havdalah together like it was second nature. I was so blessed to be a witness to that. The drive home is a bit of a blur. It started snowing right before I stopped for gas at my normal stop. The roads were like ice the last bit of the way home and I slid going up hills a few times. I only saw one small accident (small dent in the car on the side of the road) and was happy to pull into my parking space. _______________________________ As I sit watching the snow fall and thinking about all of the things I need to do today and this week, I also think about the hostages that were freed and those still in captivity. As I watch the forest get slowly darker and the ground get whiter, I think what it must have been like for 49 days to be held by rifle point in a tunnel underground having seen my parents and siblings murdered in front of me. As I drink cold water from a water bottle, I think about those still in captivity in a deep dark tunnel not knowing if today will be the day they go home or the day they die. I am thankful for all of the hostages released so far and struggle to understand the monsters that were motivated to do such atrocities to other human beings. What about that 10 month old baby that the world seems to have forgotten? The hostage that I have been praying extra hard for and doing mitzvas for is still in captivity. My heart aches for her. Is she even alive? I pray as though she is alive and waiting to be freed. G-d free her. Shabbat was a small break for the worries of life but still full of prayer for the hostages. G-d free all your people has you have promised. |
| My dad started in on me once every hour that I was with him. He has a cross (many but one in particular) that he said has sand and gravel from Israel. My response was, "Don't you think it's creepy and a bit sadistic to have a cross with a guy hanging on it displayed on your wall?" That did not go over well and I was subjected to a long lecture about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. There are times I can hold my tongue, but other times I cannot. I tried to get his attention on other things, repeatedly. I knew we were going to different Thanksgiving dinners, so I only had to survive the night and the next the morning. The family's house I went to after leaving my dad's was great, like I knew it would be. There are people that G-d puts in your life that will always love you and support you and hope for your life to good, happy, and blessed, regardless of your differences. I'm thankful for them. I read in books about how much of a difficult time people have with going to family gatherings when they convert because of all the food that they are tempted with. As I stood at the beginning of the tables displayed with various kinds of food, I had to make decisions. Did I want to keep kosher or enjoy a night of indulgence? Today is Thanksgiving in the US. That means that turkey, ham, stuffing, sausage, ham covered pickles, potatoes, green bean casserole, corn, and lots and lots of varieties of pies covered the table. With the exception of the few raw vegetables and the cucumber salad that I brought, everything contained dairy or meat, and some of that meat was pork. I did not eat any pork. I, for the first time that I can remember, did not eat any meat on Thanksgiving. I ate homemade mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, cheese and crackers, and my salad. Then I enjoyed a small piece of apple pie. I am not sad at all that I did not eat any turkey. This was actually the second time in a week that I turned down eating turkey so that I could eat dairy instead. The first time, I even made the turkey! When I started this journey, I was happy for the chance to choose G-d. I didn't know that I would be faced again and again with the choice to choose him. I want my life to make Him happy and to be a reflection of how much I love him and appreciate everything he has done and will do for me. I want to choose G-d over my own desires every time. Happy Thanksgiving everyone and have a blessed Shabbat. |
| It is sometimes the little things that give us an extra spark to keep going. Little nuggets of Jewish wisdom seems to do the trick for me. That was the case today. I watched a recording of my Rabbi (because I was working during his class). I'm not sure who the guy is that does the Rambam now, but there were a couple of things he said that were really good. One is that the mitzvah of the Torah is the same from generation to generation. If there is anyone that tells you not follow it and to follow something else, they are a false prophet. Then there's little quotes from the Rebbe that are posted on Facebook. Sometimes it takes something little to bring me back into focus. What is important to me? What is my ultimate goal? How much can I control towards reaching that goal right now? How much do I need to just trust Hashem to take care of for me because I don't doubt that he will? I know what I need to do the next couple of days. With GZ's voice ringing in my ears, I will focus on listening to as much Hebrew, as much wisdom, as much Torah as possible so when I am surrounded by family, I can keep all the good things close to my heart and just love them. Any adversity that surfaces from them, I will be able to counter with love. Job applications and apartment hunting can have a rest for a day as I focus on my relationship with Hashem. It's time to go pray. |
| I saw a falling star on my way home from shul Saturday night. I had watched a beautiful sunset that peaked just as I reached the top of a tall bridge giving the perfect scene for a postcard. The peaceful ride allowed for some deep conversations with G-d. That peace did not last past the night. I am so thankful for my time alone and the peace to have a meaningful connection with Hashem. It is what helps me get through days like today when, again, I have to defend my decision to convert. Today is the first day the word "cult" came up in the conversation, and now, I will be defending myself to my family that I am not joining a cult. I'm supposed to go to Thanksgiving dinner with my aunt's family. Now, do I even want to go? How long am I going to have to worry about every family gathering I attend? Is there going to be an end to that feat that the next family function will be a grilling session, or convert me back to Christianity session, or worse. My circle of supporters is very small. Even if not another person on earth is for me, I'm thankful that I know that I am still never going to be alone in this. Thank you Hashem for being my rock. |
| I have been reading and studying up on Hanukkah with my prayer tutor L. I have not had the pleasure of talking to him the past couple of days, but have still been learning on my own. I learned today that the lighting of the Menorah (one additional candle each night until the 8th night all 8 are lit) is from the Hillel Academy of Learning. There is another way to light the Menorah according to the Shammai Academy of Learning. They taught that the Menorah should have all 8 lights lit on the first night and one less lit each night after until the 8th night when only 1 light is lit. The Shammai way of lighting the Menorah will happen when the Mashiach comes. I'm not quite sure why though. I know there are a lot of things that will be different when the Mashiach comes. Many days of mourning and holidays of fasting will become celebrations. |
| Tuesday was a rally at the capital to show support for the hostages taken into Gaza and combat anti-semitism. My friend H went and sent me some pictures. I loved the photos. I was very nervous about my friends being there. Thousands of Jews gathering and being exposed is like driving through state land on opening day of hunting season. You just never know what could happen. I prayed very hard for everyone's safety and was thankful that no major events happened. What I saw live was very moving and uplifting. My dad called tonight. Every time we talk there is an issue with my conversion. I told him today about my moving at the end of the school year. He told me to move in with him and drive to the closest shul. I then had to explain to him why we do not drive on Shabbat. Though he understood the reasons, that caused him to circle back to the Pentecost, the New Covenant, the King James Bible, the Holy Spirit, and, of course, Jesus. Again, because he knew I wasn't going to concede, he finally dropped it and we were able to move on to another subject. I know I'm going to have to defend my decision and lifestyle for a few years or more, especially to my family. I'm still looking forward to the time that it is not a major focus of every conversation. Even though it may never be accepted, I know that some day they will again see past our glaring differences and once again just love me for who I am like I do them. |
| Every Shabbat seems to be full of learning, laughter, tears, prayers, songs, questions, and the longing for it never to end. Unfortunately, like Robert Frost said, "Nothing gold can stay." The drive to shul started with the most beautiful sunrise. I started my drive before sunrise, but watching it rise was so beautiful. It started with a beautiful mix of red and gray. Then turned to a bright gold morning sun. The normal winter gray that followed was not gloomy enough to take away the feeling the sight of the sunrise left on my spirit. It was the easiest 3 hour drive I've had since going to shul. No near death experiences. I arrived at what I like to call my sweet spot. It is not too early but not too late. I know the prayers and service and can follow easily and don't feel like I missed my davening time before the Torah is read. There is something about the very start of the service that makes me feel lost and I miss too much prayer time if I come when the Torah is already being read. There are a few stories (life experiences of others) I heard over the past few weeks that I think will help those struggling to understand why I haven't changed my mind about converting considering the excessive amount of anti-semitism going on around the world right now. The first story is from a young man who spent time in Israel (multiple times). On one occasion, he was on the street. He had just bought a Coca-Cola and was struggling to open the bottle. A man saw him struggling and offered to help. The stranger took the bottle and began to beat the cap against the wall to try to pop it open. As he was doing this, a cab driver saw the man with bottle, stopped, took the bottle and opened it with his bottle opener. The cab driver then handed the bottle back to the stranger who was helping the young man. The stranger then handed the bottle back to the young man. Both the cab driver and the stranger left just as abruptly as they arrived to help leaving the young man standing alone on the sidewalk with his bottle of Coca-Cola. The second story is about a young man who was in the hospital for a few weeks. His mother couldn't be with him every day and strangers heard about him being in the hospital alone. The strangers then visited him and brought him kosher home made food. When they couldn't visit, they sent word to let him know when they would be there next so he wouldn't feel alone. The last story of the day is about a friend who was going through a very difficult experience, but stopped just to ask how service went for me today. He knows how much I love to attend shul and how much I love to learn and pray. To him, I can only say, "Thank you for continuing to be one of my lamp lighters." I watched the sun set on my drive home tonight. It was gold sinking into the earth. I saw the stars peak through the clouds. It was a beautiful drive home. Maimonides wrote, " It is natural for a man's character and actions to be influenced by his friends and associates and for him to follow the local norms of behavior. Therefore, he should associate with the righteous and be constantly in the company of the wise, so as to learn from their deeds." G-d has given me a choice to choose who I want to be in this life. I want to be a good person who loves G-d and has kindness and compassion for all of G-d's creation, including people. I want to have a heart that wakes in the morning and goes to bed at night asking him for, "The words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart" to be acceptable to him. I know who I want to be around me and influence my behavior and deeds. I know who I want to be and who I want to be like. |
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