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These are my rambles, my thinking as I grow younger and younger. |
This book is about life on earth. Or actually about MY life on earth. Not what I DID, or where I have lived, or which emotion I have wrestled to master. (Well, maybe some of that I suppose.) I mean I have to scribble about something, don't I? Mainly I want to think, and think, and write a book about my thinking. Thoughts can offer opinions, commentary, artwork, humor, debate. I just want to talk, silently. About why I live, where I came from and why I was given days and years and people and dreams and sadness and how none of this was or is a coincidence. THAT'S what this is all about. 
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| O.k., regardless of my prior post, there are times when a person must rant, and this is my brief moment of bitching. I am SO sick and tired of numbless, idiotiotic folks who play little head trips on others. For example: a guy owes a lady $50.00 that he borrowed and promised to repay. Now, it appears this said guy won't give the lady a ride she requested (being without her car), nor will he repay the $50.00 owed to her - UNLESS she agrees to "spend time with him". I am assuming that he wants something in return, and is holding the $50.00 as bait until she agrees to his terms. This is a prime example of someone we would use certain profane words to describe.......butt-head, ass-butt, F----ker. Where do these fools come from? I am also irritated by the following: 1.) folks who make promises to meet you at a given time, and never show up, or offer even a polite call explaining their absence. These are idiot, selfish, ego-centered fools. 2.)folks who are so angry with themselves, they decide to lash out at YOU, blasting you for failings, making up cock-eyed reasons why YOU are a pain in the butt. 3.) going along with #2.....people who have a twisted recall of what was said, or what was done.....denying any words they said or actions they took. They seem to have amnesia during times when they are confronted by the truth. 4.) folks who rant and rave over the phone about how poor they are, how they suffer, how everyone else is to blame - and their right to pity themselves. Poor dears. If the person on the other end of the call tells their own tale of woe, (like.."join the club...I have barely $10.00 to my name"), the first pitiful person speaks louder comparing both situations........"you aren't allowed to have self-pity, I AM the worst case....my problems are so much worse......"...and they begin to yell at you over the phone, making not a lick of sense, and showing not an ounce of compassion for the poor fool receiving the verbal abuse. Is this attention-seeking at it's finest? I am soooo sick and tired of hearing the "Poor me" refrain. Let us take pity on that poor soul and hand them money (our last $10.00) just to shut them up, at least. THEN, we find out that the same act has been rolled out onto other "friends", who have doled out $80-$100....for the poor innocent person. Later, when we state we had given our last $10.00, and are now without gas or food, the pitiful one pulls another rant saying how overwhelmed they are, what stress they are under....you don't understand........blah..blah...blah..... My reaction to the above folks is my intention to beat their sorry little asses, for their meanness, their twisting of logic and basic reason, and just to get my own nerves settled down. I throw up my hands and say "I give up"...there is no talking to this person, their brains have somehow become polluted by the Red Bulls they chug....they have lost their marbles....and their elevator doesn't reach the top floor anymore. People are just darn crazy sometimes. Now I have a headache. End of rant. |
| {font: arial} Is being positive a GOOD thing? I wonder sometimes. Is it just an illusionary view we cover our faces with? Are positve people just ignoring the realities of the world? Do we snatch onto idealism, optimism, cheary outlooks - because we are really fools? And are we unwilling to face what is REAL? I wonder if my blocking out the BAD things happening in the world is only my escape, and I hide out and focus on Positive thinking....just as a school child daydreams out the window in class. I don't know......I constantly listen or view web sites where folk are SOOOOOOOO angry, frustrated, cynical, carrying no HOPE, LOVE or FAITH. They've given up. And all they have left is whining and complaining about others or about the state of the world. They attack one another visciously, their views are the CORRECT views, they BLAME everyone else for their problems. They never just have FUN........old fashioned fun, playtime, giggling, laughing....smiling. Am I too much in the positive, optimistic mode? Too much the day dreamer, too much believeing that all with be as it should be? I'm a minority I suppose.....the age of Bobby Kennedy is gone, the age of JFK is gone, the age of Martin Luther King is gone, the age of the Peace Corps, the age of helping DFevelopmentally Disabled kids is gone, the age of volunteeering is gone....of Habitat For Humanity is gone. I guess I can't change my upbringing, the lessons my parents taught me, modeled for me a a child - happines, "Buck Up", think positively, smile, and someone will smile back. I KNOW there must be Positive thinking people out there - people who still have HOPE and FAITH. There has to be. Maybe my head is in the sand, but I'm pretty aware of words I say to others, trying to encourage them in their down times. And I have friends who rally to me when I get gloomy. I guess The Lord and The Guardian Angels give me the positive outlook on life. I enjoy being cheerful, I enjoy the reaction I get from strangers when I smile at them. They are always shocked.....but they seem to walk away with a lighter step, some recognition that they exist. The neighborhood I live in is filled with folks who wave at me, smile at me - they don't even know my name.....but it feels good towave and smile at someone. Is being Positive only a mask, or can Postive actions ripple outward to another person and make them feel a little joy? I've been told, I live in La-La -La land........yet, if I don't do MY part in trying to stay upbeat, despite my own problems, then I've only joined the mob on television who continually complain, bitch, moan, and complain. That's a negative force for me........I cannot stand to be around negative people. They fill my tiny space with bad energy. I try to find the positive folks in life - I've found many on-line. And we focus on the blessings we have, not as far as money - but just being gratefull for a bed to sleep in, food to eat,...the little things, everyone seem to take for granted. Is Positivity wrong.....am I out of touch? Looking for the good in a situation or finding good in a person who is very angry, and bitter...........it only takes a moment to listen and feel the wind blow, to appreciate the Sunshine, to hear the bird outside your tree chirping in the morning, truely LOOK at the beauty of the world God has designed. I'm going to stay Poitive a long as I gain, despite obstacles I've had to face. I refuse to be defeated. I will stay Optimistic as long as possible. My Mom always said......"what can you do about what happened yesterday? Today is the day to begin again, and go out and enjoy life, talk to people, laugh, have fun, enjoy the day God has given you..." She was right....she played golf 3 months before she died....and went out on New Year' Eve all decked out to go dancing. She refused to waste any time on self-pity or negative thoughts. When it wasn't fun anymore, she went into the hospital and quietly joined the Angels, two months later, and refused to hear me weep - she said......."I have had a great time, worked, danced, partied, gone on trips, played golf, worked, remodeled my house, planted my rose bushes, went off thrift shopping........and loved my childhood sweetheart until the end. " She LOVED her life, she loved LIVING every second of everyday. I wish I was more like her - but I am not as active as she was up until age 80 - but I retained this POSITIVE view of life - she instilled it into me. Anything negative, you find one positive piece to laugh about - no sense crying - just get on with life. Maybe I'm a fool, yet even when I feel depressed or lonely, I remember my Mother's words, and I snap out of it for her. She would want me to be the dreamer of magic dreams, the poet sending poems of love and hope to others, the idealist believing that God is in His Heaven, and all is right with the world. Even at night, God is always up.......the Angels are always around........ the Moon fades and the Sun appears..........and the new day appears. Another day to be positive and to do a little part to make the earth and people feel a little better. I'm not a fool - I'm a realist - and I have HOPE and FAITH even at my lowest. I may get conned or suckered by folks I help...but that's THEIR issue. I guess I learned from my Mom - who took in every stray, every despondant person, fed them, put them to work, and never, ever judged them. She is the reason I am who I have become. So, if you're feeling cynical, hopeles, thinking the world is in shambles, angry at bossess, wives, husbands........STOP, and adjust your attitude, show empathy...........and remember we're all just doing the best we can right now, today, at this moment. Smile, try to avoid reading bad stuff - violence, murders, disasters........encase yourself with a space of chearyness, goodwill, positive, happy thinking. LAUGH at the world...and smile at a stranger.........it'll make YOU feel better..........    Happy Holiday Weekend folks..............tell somebody you love them! |
| }O.k. Folks, what is the deal these days? It was a perfectly good morning, I woke up and immediately went into a crying jag, went into depression and anxiety mode, and sobbed my way to the living room. Not a clue what I was crying about, why, just emptying my tear ducts, I guess. Then, a friend who is visiting for awhile, gets up and wants to know why I'm crying, and THEN says something....and makes me start giggling, and then laughing. She said, "Well, I sure ruined your crying time, didn't I?" I said, "You sure as hell did, darn it..........go away and let me have my mini breakdown!!!" I don't know why the world has to interrupt those of us who NEED a brief nervous breakdown, maybe just for a day, or an hour. Real Life just keeps getting in the way. I can't find one lousy hour to sink into depression mode, to feel pathetic self-loathing or pitiful self pity........I'm entitled to at least have a good cry, aren't I? Once in awhile............... Nope, the world says.."BUCK UP', "SNAP OUT OF IT"..........bunch of party poopers........I'm trying to have a nervous breakdown, folks..............please, world....just give me one day when it can be scheduled into my life. Now I'm totally out of the mood, and have entered the "happy" zone. Who knows when I'll be able to pencil in my next crying jag - guess I'll have to dig out the old, meloncholy Billie Holiday records, or the lonely Judy Collins albums.........and throw in a bit of Joni Mitchell and some old blues songs from Lena Horne or Ella (about how their men done them wrong). To all of you trying to have your nervous breakdowns this week, I feel for you. It's a bitch trying to fit them in between the cell phones ringing at you, the kids squacking, the boss holding numbing meetings, and your mate being ever an eternal HAPPY person............it's just impossible nowadays. Oh well, I'll try again next week........maybe I'll have better luck. Cheers for now!! |
| I know, I know, I'm supposed to be clever and write something here everyday. At least it seems the WDC e-mails I have gotten EVERY SINGLE day reminding me to "Update Your Blog". Are they that anxious to see me roving through blogville? i have no brilliant insights into the complete and utter wackiness that folks have draped themselves with. My career was as a Psychiatric Social Worker.....for over 20 some years. I've dealt with all "those" people long ago. The ones who were locked up in State Mental Hospitals because the world didn' want to see little retarded kids roaming their cities. I dealt with Pedophiles, long before the hysteria ignited about how many are really lurking around. My job was to keep them locked up for as many years as possible. I dealt with the gang bangers, sex offendors, rapists, murderers, violent, uncontrollable people in the world who were darn right dangerous and scary. I've treated abused kids, addicts, alcoholics, schizophrenics (they were kind of fun to listen to - when they talked to their imaginary friends); psychotics, suicidal teenagers, kids that wiffed glue from bags, kids who cut themselves with razor blades. Seems I've heard every tale that could every be told, heard every story, listened to to experiences that even now would shock and horrify the 'normal" folk out there. I retired....but I enjoyed being a counselor, Social Worker, trying to help families deal with guilt and frustration over their children. Helping sick people get better, helping them learn to do the simple things we take for granted. helping a phobic go into a grocery store. teach someone how to take the buses in town., listen late into the evening (while on call) to a young man who told me straight out he had a gun and was going over to the local High School and was going to kill a few people. (This was YEARS before the Columbine shootings). The kid was serious. But, I did what I had to do......woke the school principal up at midnight, explained this was NOT a joke (it was an ex-classmate, wanting revenge toward his ex-girlfriend still in school). I called the cops, and explained that he needed to be arrested for something, anything, jaywalking, make something up......just told the cops to get him to mental health....to buy a few days until he signed himself out. Not sure why all this came to mind - but, I guess I'm not surprised at the many violent events that have occurred in the last 5-6 years. It was as if I saw it all 20 years ago....tension mounting, frustration, folks feeling "less than", teenagers bewildered, damaged badly by sick parents. Unfortunately, the 'normal" type folks who can hold it together....never did see it coming. Shootings, child mloesting, serial rapists, arsonists running amuck - gang bangers feeding off of the gangster rap crap music from Compton. There's an underbelly, there always has been........but now there are no rules, no "don't cross over this line". Anything goes now, especially if it'll get you on YouTube......... I'm glad i helped many, many, many people rise from despair, depression, addiction,.....I'm thankful to the scientists who discovered new medicines that have allowed pshychotic folks to be able o live in an apartment, and not be freaking out. And I'm proud of the Psychiatrists who have medicinal tools and who I've seen, literally make a person go from wacko to normal overnight. because the right combination of diagnosis and medicine was given. We've come a long way - no sanitariums, no lobotomies, no thorozine shuffles and babbbling side effects. Today you'll see a kid with Down's Syndrome bagging your groceries at Vons or Safeway. You'll see a developmentally disabled person stocking shelves, paid the same wage as anyone else. And you'll usually receive a smile from them, and I hope you return that smile. Mental health care has come a long way - and I'm proud that i was a small part of that progression. I admit I was often sneaky, and broke the rules alot - but, for the severely handicappped, deaf and blind kids whi had never been anywhere or known what was out there........sneaking them all on a bus bound for Disneyland just seemed to right thing to do. And, I also did a few other major rebellious rule breaking..........bu red tape, blue tape, and going through proper channels was never why I became a Social Worker. i wanted to make Social Change, Community change......and solve problems from Point A to Point B...........Not by running around having clerks stamp a form in 5 seperate buildings.............so, out the window did the form blow.........an accident of course. My blog i guess says something - I still tell people, BE INSPIRED, BE A REBEL, DON'T LET ANY AGENCY treat you "less than".............. I hope the next generation will continue on with fighting the good fight, will maintain idealism, will press on, break rules......and help people............one person at a time. |
| Last night my post was full of typos...sorry....My brain gets burned sometimes. oday I was trying to do reviews for my forum , and put up my poems........then I put on WILDFLOWERS by Tom Petty...........and it took me away and I didn't get much done. Lyrics: You belong among the wildflowers You belong in a boat out at sea Sail away, kill off the hours You belong somewhere you feel free Run away, find you a lover Go away somewhere all bright and new I have seen no other Who compares with you You belong among the wildflowers You belong in a boat out at sea you belong with your love on your arm You belong somewhere you feel free Run away, go find a lover Run away, let your heart be your guide You deserve the deepest of cover You belong in that home by and by You belong among the wildflowers You belong somewhere close to me Far away from your trouble and worries You belong somewhere you feel free You belong somewhere you feel free terrific song, terrific album. Sometimes I just want to run away and be someplace away from my worries and troubles, somewhere I can be free.{/f} |
| lAST nighgIII wrote an article/opinion about musicals and about Broadway musicals in general. to reveal some awesome lyrics....and how the great musicals will never go out of style..Nut, of courswe, i clicked he wrong buton....and off to Never-Never Land, the 7 paragraphs vanished .........I WAS bummmed!! I may alk about some og those famise broadway musicals especially, Roders & lyricist Hammmerstein )( Oklahoma, South acific Carorsel. There are lyricists in Broadway shows who rival any poet. Their words are the meat of the entire performance.and tage scenes togeher. Famous songs from musicals: "Send In The Cowns (Stephen Sondheim is brilliant with cramming as many words into a phrase as possible!. Chorus Line produced many beautiful songs; Oklahoma is STILL being sung on that morning commute: {font:}Oklahoma where the wind somes sweeping down the plains and the waving wheat, can sure smell sweet, as the rain comes right behind the wind....etc" I LOVE to go to Boradway shows...and be captured and taken to a place of security and fun and relaxation.. The always leave me with a smile on my face........Good songs in musicals these days are RARE.......forgettablee. BUT those written in the 1950's and 1960's eras were milestones in transforming a musical from just singing with little concern for the storyline.. That's why the GREA musicals we remember. We know "West Side Story" (Sondheim also did the lyrics for that.. If you're brave enought to go buy some Broadway muasical soundtracks and REALLY listen to the lyrics....and follow the storyline......you'll be amazed how your mood will change, happy thoughs will fill your brain....and you can anlyze he lyrics and understand how difficul it is to write something classic -a poem, a song for show with grea melody and awesome verses. or else go to your local dinner theatre and see the performances there.. Any experience regarding the writen word, styles of writing will influence you...and get your brain going..and you'll be inspired! "Happy Talky, Talky, Happy Talk, Talk about things you 'd like to do, You got to have a dream, if you don't have a dream, how you gonna have that dream come true...." From 'South Pacific" |
| Playing old Carole king, James Taylor, Joni Mitchell stuff......old and newer albums. Lots of inspiration from those poets. You don't need the music, just the verses......that's all you need to understand...and gain inspiration. Joni, especially was a brilliant lyricist....poetry so descriptive, so personal, heart-wrenching, yet insightful about her life, her weaknesses, her loves, her losses. Listen to Her newer album, gretaest hits re-done with an orchestra and a newer, different, mature arrangement. She wrote the song "Both Sides Now" first recorded by Judy Collins years ago. But Joni's rendition is from a view of one who has lived a long life, and looks back in irony at how little she really knew about life, love, clouds, rain, living. Her verses are magical; Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels The dizzy dancing way that you feel As every fairyale comes real I've looked at love that way.. Another example of her lines so appropriate and so richly formated or the piece designed the song "A Case of You". the middle refrain goes this way: Oh you are in my blood like holy wine Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet Oh I could drink a case of you I could drink a case of you darling Still be on my feet I'd still be on my feet..... The image of drinking a case of someone you loved, it's quite unusual...and so powerful....... James Taylor i've listened to forever, since his first album produced by Apple and signed by The Beatles. to a contract.. His music is happy, meloncholy, wistful, and gives me inspiration to just keep going forward. He has so many beautiful songs, has a Christmas album, but one song i really love to heaer is called: "Secret O' Life. Just a brief few lines from this.The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time Any fool can do it There ain't nothing to it The secret of love is opening up your heart it's okay to feel afraid There ain't nothing to it But don't let that stand in your way "cause everyone knows that love is the only road And since we're only here for awhile Migh as well show some style Give us a smile... Now the thing about time is that time Isn't really real It's just your point of view How does it feel for you Einsteinsaid said he could never understand it all Planets spinning through space The smile upon your face Welcome to the human race. this is just what I've been listening to lately...and any line or feeling, melody from a song that sends me into my "poet mode"..and singers (including , of course the master, BoB Dylan) who are tremendous lyrically, melody is secondary to their need to write and just keep writing. Dig out some old tear jerking "This is when my girlfriend left me" sad ol' songs and rediscover the lyrics, the words, the pace, the passion.............and get inspired........!!! Gosh we've all got a trove of memory stuffed somewhere in some part of our brain cells.........dig out music, photos of old friends, mountains you skied during Spring break. The days when we DIDN'T enjoy the Passage of Time...we were so damn busy thinking we had to be busy.........what does that mean anyway? To each his own.......my business is clomping on these keys and wriing pretty damn good poems, and some really pathetic, lame-brain ones. HAPPY DAY TODAY, GOD IS SMILING YOUR WAY, TODAY..{/;c} |
| I mean really.....this has been a wild morning. It's MY house, I've rented out a room to a guy, who did well for awhile, and then decided to quit his plumbing job, and then the economy went down the tubes. ALL I've heard from him for two months is how depressed he is.......blah...blah...blah. Anyway, last night I had a guy ( a friend visiting me), and we talked late into the morning. SUDDENLY, Mr. angry ass jumps out of his messy room and begins yelling at my firend saying he couldn't sleep and THEN telling the guy to get the hell out of the house! Rude, rude, rude............ YThis morning I had words with him, and despite his "I couldn't sleep BS"...I told him flat out he was rude, nasty.....hastn't paid rent in over two months and it's My FREAKIN' HOUSE! If I want to run around naked, I'll do that....if I am up late writing, that's MY business. He finally got a 40 hour job at a hardware store. Second day, he comes home and says he hates it..."They don't pay me enough".......I tried to fill out an app for Lowe's on-line, but he said he was sleeping. I DID get his damn taxes finished, lame-brain hadn't a clue he would get a refund. I even went and bought him some damn pork chops, since he's SOOOOOOOOO down in the dumps. Weel he's a Cancer and that explains it....Moody, Moody, Moody..........I want to knock his block off..........then he says "well, maybe I'll just move out'/.....I said that was fine with me...........plenty of other folks out there who need a room to come in from the cold, bills paid, washer, dryer, cooking privileges etc. I am to the point that I ain't puttin' up with anymore bullshit....got my OWN problems, health issues, depression, anxiety, am on retirement disabiliy..........and All I want to do is write, and write.......and leave a book of poems for my kids & family members, so somehow they'll remember me as being a LITTLE on the wacky side, but a damn hell of a good poet!! LIFE IS SHORT.............brief, transitional, uprooted by tornadoes, floods, fires, earthquakes, and of course the punks running amuke pointing guns at people's heads. If I didn't have God around and in my life, I would be so lost, and so lonely. HE gets me through rough patches, and I NEVER lose my temper - ever. I didn't yell, I just stated the facts and observations about his comments, his tone, his provoking approach. I'm not here to ensure he gets a good nights sleep - who in the hell gets a full night's sleep??? And he's just selling dumb ass tools........ O.k....tried to be witty today, but my but is chewed, and I've spent the day cleaning everything, laundry, mopping floors etc.......HE will walk in and proceed to make a total mess cooking some crap on the stove, will not do the dishes until I tell him to...and has never once helped me fix things in the house or help outside. He TOTALLY refuses. No wonder nobody would marry him............this back and forh - funny, then mean, kind, then cranky, cheerful, then suicidal....is TOO much for me. HELP, SOMEBODY!!!!! |
| Just thinking about my sister (see entry #1). I have really not thought about her all year. Somehow I could not grieve, it seemed I needed to make peace within myself regarding my resentments toward her all these years. The family avoided her as much as possible. My older sister and I raised Carole's (my deceased sister) two babies (9 months apart, both in diapers). Their Dad was in prison, their Mom was a junkie. I rescued the older baby and would take him up the hill to where me and my oldest sister lived...later my Mom moved in there, and the brother-in-law lived there. It's a BIG house. Carole never leagally gave us custody, but used the kids as "bait" in order to get money....i.e...."Give me $50.00 or you'll never see the kids again..." Pathetic con artist bullshit. So my oldest sister would fork out the money. Many other events occurred involving illegal credit card use, washing checks, check fraud..etc........the FBI even got involved. I wasn't privy to all these details - but, suffice to say, seeing my Mom so very hurt (and not speaking to Carole for three years), and my other sister so stressed by fear (wondering what was going to happen next), I carried resentment for a long time. It was a love/hate bond........she looked after me, but then would turn like a snake and batter me with rudeness, screaming, etc. I finally got her into a recovery home up north (kicking & bitching the whole way). Had to have her medically cleared first, and she had abscesses all over her legs. I told the doctor, 'I don't care what you write down, the goal is to get her into recovery, but right now she has to have these wounds healed...knock her ass OUT and throw her in a bed." The doctor nodded her head, and knew exactly what I was saying. Sometimes you just have to lie and doctors have to lie, in order to save a person's life. Anyway, she loved the recovery house and was entering school......and then..BOOM....discovered she had liver cancer. (no cure for that). How ironic.....you finally give up your bad habits and then life knocks you with a BIG BANG. hat began a constant visit down to USC Cancer center for months and months.....hoping for a liver transplant........but, the doctors finally said it had spread. So, she went back to her apartment and led her normal life.....until...suddenly she had to go back into the hospital for something. I always assume the best outcome, and assumed she'd return home - until I was told that she went into Hospice. Hospice is for folks who have barely two months to live. Carole was in shock, I was in shock, her kids were in shock....... But, this Hospice (located in Santa Barbara) has to be the finest care home I've ever seen or heard about. The folks there saved the entire family and eased us into the final journey my sister was taking. And we had parties up there, and celebrations, and someone was always there. I had a chance to talk with Carole about the old days, when I was in college and she was running rampant......we giggled alot and I thanked her for directing me to the field of Social Work. She told me THAT was my destiny - helping others. If she hadn't written me in Junior College with that advice, I would have floundered for years deciding on a path in life. i knew her from years earlier...and she was able to remember those times, and all the trouble she got into, and it was a bond for us to have time to look back on those wild days. Her kids were distraught after her passing, losing their Mom when they were barely 25 yars old. But the counselors helped them find acceptance and some peace. Meanwhile, while she was still pretty lively, I mentioned that maybe she'd better go back to Mass and go to confession. I told her...'any insurance you can get with the BIG GUY up in Heaven is not going to hurt you..." I planned on a priest, a rabbi, and anybody else who had any pull with the Lord to swing on by and do their thing. The priest came a few times, and finally my sister said "I want to get right with God".................so he heard her confession. After that, it seemed all the weight and burden left her, and she was at peace. Why I'm even writing this, I have no clue. See entry #1 for the final days. But, back to the grieving issue.............I just did not cry, even during the Memorial Service, the burial, etc. Somehow Carole would have cracked jokes through the whole thing, and we all knew that...so we cracked jokes too. Her sarcasm and brutal wit regarding anything serious was her legacy. She made fun of everybody and everything...and had no qualms about letting you know....and most folks roared with laughter, and you couldn't hate her, because she'd start making you laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Typical Saggitarius. Anyway, I recently wrote some poems about her, i never did when she was alive (which bothered her), but I had nothing to write, it would have been a falsehood. But now, I've suddenly had pieces pouring out of me, and I guess that's a good thing.....maybe the grief has begun, and the writing is my road through this reality. Who knows............ Life is brief, family is everything, possessions mean nothing, your heart is eiher on the right side of life, or your heart is on the wrong side. Eventually you have to jump off that fence and make a choice - do right, be right, think in rightness, humanity, and justice...; or choose the path where you lose your heart, your values, your conscience, your empathy.............Life is brief. |
| SECOND ENTRY - Hey, I made it past one day. I feel like when I've tried to quit smoking. You know, you count the days..."Oh, wow, I made it one day...oh wow..". Like a fruitcake actually. Everybody else in the REAL WORLD thinks you're a nutcase anyway, and your "happy hopping" over making it one lousy day without puffin' on a little rolled up piece of turtle poop is not that important to them. You know that, come on. They just look at you waxy-eyed, and think..."Holy, Moly, now I gotta put up with this guy trying to quit smoking.....what a pain in the butt HE'S gonna be...". THEY DON'T CARE, PEOPLE......get it into your heads. So, me writing a second entry onto this Blog thingy isn't really earth shattering, and nobody gives a Howdy-Do about it anyway. (OH, by the way - I DID stop smoking for five (5) count 'em days in a row (YES, in a row - do ya you think I'm a cheater??? grabbing a day here and a day there.....puttin' 'em together so they'd equal 5 days? Man, how suspicious and cynical can folks be.) Anyway, I went 5 days.........Oh, I was so proud, and I wasn't coughing, having headaches or smelling my hair in bed, wondering where that stink came from. What happened? I know you're asking that. I'm not really sure....I think the little non-smoking/craving patches hit the wall and did a skid into "Not Working", "Not communicating with brain cells in frontal lobe" etc. I had one sorry, pathetic, massive craving........and just hopped in the car and breezed down to the Circle K and I KNEW the first puff was gonna taste like crapola - and it did. I took my four puffs and put it out. You see, the other aspect is the money thing. I don't smoke an entire cigarette - only the top half. So, that's maybe 5 puffs. Then I'm done with it. I don't like the bottom half, it starts tasting gross as it gets nearer the filter. So, let's see, smokes are about $5.50 right now.......so my taking 5 puffs a smoke isn't very economical. My sole purpose for quitting was to save that darn $40.00 per week.. Alas, it was not to be.......BUT, I KNOW I can make it five days, therefore, logic would tell me...I can make it six days, seven days. Reminds me of when I was "INTO" running and would run 5K's. Sweat pouring, stomach pucky, eyeballs all cross-eyed, kneecaps about to dis-member themselves etc........I always would say......"Come on, if you can make it one mile, then you can make it two miles.....I KNOW you can make it three miles....etc. Just DON'T BE LAST, Nancy....whatever, don't come in last." And by golly, I never won a race, but I sure as heck never came in last. Next to last, maybe...but not last. And I didn't mind the one race when I hit the finish line, puked my guts out right into the arms of the firemen waiting there, and letting them help me over to the aid station for oranges and re-hydration. I was a little ashamed, throwing up RIGHT at the finish line - but with cute, strongman firemen there to catch me - why I would do it all over again. Gosh I need to put an entry into this blog just about firemen......like WHERE do they find these guys, and why are all of them so cute? Like it's part of the application..."No UGLY men wanted, only handsome, cute, women-wowing guys accepted". But, I'll leave that opinion piece for another day. I forgot what this whole entry was about, to tell you the truth. I hope it was profound enough for someone - because I've already lost the memory of it - obviously I didn't think it was very interesting....or else, maybe all my brain cells are shot, and it's only a matter of time, See you folks again (if you ever come back).......it's been fun. |
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