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One man's journey to find the way home |
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I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit. I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY? Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation.... WELCOME!! |
| Perplexed and so now what? I am needing to back off and not let the schizophrenic bind inside of me be my undoing. I am needing to give to myself space to be the man God created me to be. I need to heed lessons of the past no one needs to know about my anger as much as I would like them to know. It is like a baby that could be torn to shreds by those who do not know better. Run from the abuser as you perceive another to be and do not think people pleasing will cause anything but death. In a perfect world the rescuer could become a hero, but more often than not they become a victim and pretty. Some person's think too highly of themselves and to put them off is to risk annihilation. So I need to seek solace in being more kind to myself for at no moment will I see someone live me more than I love myself. |
| I am working and yet a certain reminder of the stress that goes along with it prevail. Only 500 days to go seems like eternity. Yet I could look back and see I have come a long way. Is my legacy intact? I will rest knowing God will give me what is needed on a daily basis, even if I feel faint. God has been there for me. I need to give over my puzzlement. I want to run and do so much. Only in God's time is there a chance. |
| My feet are feeling swollen. I pray I can bring myself to heal. It is all I have left. It is so hard to see my little girl almost done. She is in love and that is a good thing. And yet like my feet that puffy I worry about her. Where is God? Will God show up in time? There is the tug if the parents heart wanting to wrap and protect what is no mine to protect. I have enough to do to keep myself alive. |
| On vacation and what does that mean for this writer? I continue to let my anxiety keep me away from my internal thinking process. I believe that is s result of failing health and workaholic obsession. I fear it will be the end of a voice if I can not reverse my regress. How much do I want to live and how much do I want invest in seeing my passion become birthed. I can only pray God still rules me internally. I can break and be broken. My trip to Iowa offers this option. I can find out what gives me the will to live. The visit with my daughter is going surprisingly well. Only a couple days left. God give me wisdom and strength to unravel the pieces of a puzzle that are tangled spread apart for miles and miles like unraveling yarn with no one to rewind. Help me God to arise as if from the dead and see the sun shine. I no longer need to be exiled and imprisoned in darkness. Only in the light can I see pieces that can fit. My high blood pressure, neuropathy and thyroid not having medication are getting in the way of seeing as God sees. I am worth the investment. |
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