Harry,
What a neat idea for a poem. I'd never heard of kudzu being made into a jelly. I don't I'd be brave enough to try that. Up until reading that, the craziest thing I'd ever heard about kudzu was when a local guy was selling it through the mail to Canadians.
I am impressed with what you wrote with such few words. The second line made me think that the person was guided by someone whom he/she had not previously met at all. As if the person was a bystander, or perhaps a nurse. And the last line made me think that the person who died, especially if he/she knew death was coming, was perhaps lonely and needed someone there.
I am sometimes amazed at what people are capable of doing with few words, and this is one of those cases.
Keep it up
Wild Bill,
You wrote this well. The fact that your cat was named Monster helped to make it creepy too! I believe you. I would be the last one to tell someone that they couldn't have seen something otherworldly.
I've never heard of a spirit having green glowing eyes, but maybe so. I have to wonder though, if you saw a pair of eyes from another cat. When I was very young, I ran along this path through the trees with some other kids, and saw this huge spider that was black, with some color on it. At the time, and even at different times since, I've thought it was as big as someone's head. But I'm sure it had to have been a garden spider!
Thanks for sharing. I'll still be wondering what you saw.
I liked this story. It sounds just like how a child would think. I wish I could write something like that. May I suggest not having some of the paragraphs indented. It would look better if each one was formatted the same.
That made me smile. The boy seemed so lucky, first with the apple, then when the crab came to the kitchen. Yet then came the line about the corpse. Something about it was so funny, I guess because things had finally not worked out so well. Or maybe he thought it would come back to life? Anyway, that is a neat little story.
You write very well, and I think you captured perfectly what young people deal with at school. May I suggest not having one paragraph that long. You could start a new one with the words My name...
Small Bue Box is a different twist on the words he has my heart. At first mention, when Joshua pulled it from his pocket and said he needed to give it to Carmen, one might have thought it contained a ring. Yet it had been a ring, it sounded like he was giving it reluctantly. Then it turned out he no longer wanted her heart. When Carmen dropped the box in the water, perhaps she lhad earned to not make use of a physical symbol to demonstrate love. The rejection of it only made things more painful... This is a short, but well written story.
This was tremendous writing to me. So much potential, perhaps for something with many more words. I'm gone... It's chilling, whether it was meant to be that or not. Good use of first person is not always easy, but when done well as you have here, it gives insight into the pain that no other type of narrative could. Very good. Harry
I liked this. I had never heard of anyone named Detroit, but it must have happened. The first few lines really pulled me in, and had me wondering what he was going to do. Then it turned out she had known him a long time, and it felt right to stay with him. Very good story.
I really liked The Night Before Tomorrow. Knowing it was going to be a poem, I was prepared for something deep, and maybe even hard to review. But it's simple and easy to read. All hell broke loose... I wouldn't have known how to put
that in a poem about Christmas! But you did great. Had to wonder if the children were angels, because they were there
to help him. Great poem.
Ken,
You write very well. I've seen a number of stories here that seem too short, but to me this works nicely as it is.
(Mine tend to get wordy, and the less I feel like I know, the wordier they get!)
Is 48 minutes the length of the bus ride?
My suggestion is to expand in the middle, where the other kids are being mean to the boy. It would build up momentum leading up to your impulse to block the seat, and make that moment even more dramatic or sad. Since you can't remember all they did to him, you might not want to make up more actions, but you could express more of the pain he must have felt, and maybe describe him and his expressions. I hope this helps... Harry McDonald
I thought this was great. It reminded me somehow of Poe stories - being in first person and about a mad man.
If I had written it, I think I'd make it longer. It could part of something really profound and scary.
The Old Kirsch Place is an interesting tale of two rather brave children, who explore a supposedly haunted house. Not written to scare the reader to death, it instead is an illustration of typical childhood curiosity and enthusiasm. The climax comes not in the form of a seen ghost but as a noise, and the subsequent quick exit from the house. Perhaps it was a door slammed by a ghost. Or was it simply the creaking of old wood, adding fuel to youthful imaginations. Jaye P. Marshall writes in a style that will leave you wondering.
To this reader, it's an absolutely fascinating story. Did Amanda see her dead husband in a dream? Was she transported back in time, or did she somehow relive what she herself had already experienced? The fact that all the details are not revealed is what makes this story so memorable. And most important, it is a story of true love, and of the continuation of the spirit.
Tim,
I don't read much poetry but I'm interested in your poem. The line about remembering their efforts is very important in my opinion. But the once-living souls...
if you believe in life after death then it could make it sound like the souls are dead too. The last two lines are very eerie! Perhaps you want the poem to remain short but I think you have a lot here that could be expanded on. Very good poem.
Harry McDonald
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