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Review by Harry McDonald
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Sapphire Aude. This review comes from Showering Acts of Joy!

The Magic of Christmas is a particularly interesting story, with a special meaning to the title, and twist in the plot that I could never have guessed.

Your presentation of Kai was very well written, and had a certain suspenseful edge that made me wonder what his intentions were. I made myself think that something was going to happen in the shed, but there was something much bigger was in store. Kai’s desires for the latest i-Pad so he could be popular, and his scorn for his parents were typical of teenagers. He already had an i-Phone, but that was not enough. His parents told him to not speak of what he wanted for Christmas in front of his little sister, because she still believed that everything came from Santa. After that, he hatched a plan that would show just how much he thought of himself and material possessions.

The story then took a fantastical twist in the form of a rip in the sky, and by revealing that Liddy had visited a magical bookstore that others could not see. I won’t give the scenario away, but will say that lovers of fantasy writing will revel in it, for you wrote excellent descriptions of the creatures. Within the words told to Liddy, there was almost a parallel to something Biblical, that perhaps other readers will also sense. But mainly, the story demonstrated an irony between Kais greed, and the powerful sense of purpose given to Liddy, who was indeed a very special little girl.

I am impressed with this ambitious piece of writing. There were a few misspellings, and commas that seemed to be placed where not needed, and inconsistent indenting, but you had stated at the beginning that editing is needed. You might want to consider making sure such things are corrected before publishing, for that will ensure more success for any story from the start.

Harry McDonald
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Review of Vlad's Wife  
Review by Harry McDonald
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, April Desiree. This review comes from Showering Acts of Joy!

The title of your story Vlad's Wife was impossible for me to ignore, and I truly enjoyed reading it. I found it intriguing that someone who mainly writes poetry would choose to write about such a notorious figure as Vlad the Impaler. You are apparently though, someone who likes history, and the story does appear to be based on facts. Jusztina’s choice to end her life rather than be enslaved by the Turks is one of those timeless and gut-wrenching tales of war and separation.

Your sentences are just a bit long, but they seem to work. Please let me make a few suggestion that I think would improve the writing. In the first paragraph, three sentences in a row start with: She, and it would be better to replace one of them with: Jusztina. Also in the first paragraph is the sentence: She ran back to the window and found her husband’s brother riding in on his horse with his troops. As mentioned, the line works but you might want to experiment with changing it some. It could be written as: She ran back to the window and saw her husband’s brother on horseback, leading his troops. Sometimes a few less words makes a sentence easier to read.

The second paragraph contains the sentence: The air was already filled with cries and screams as the castle went under siege by the Ottomans. It might be better to use a more definite action verb instead of: went. Therefore you could put: _____ as the castle shook under the siege. Or perhaps: ___as the invaders...

There are two sentences in that paragraph that need to be italicized, to point out that they are her thoughts.

This was a big story told in just a few paragraphs, and I would love to see you expand it with a few more details. You might want to also list it under the Drama genre instead of just History and Action/Adventure in order to get a few more reads.

Thanks for sharing!

Harry McDonald
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Review by Harry McDonald
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, RS KrisAnn - Thanks Blaincindy! This review comes from Showering Acts of Joy!

Your piece The Plight of the "Good Man" is an appealing work of non fiction that deals with relationships. It starts with a definition of a good man that no one could argue with: that he is one who will be true and honest, take care of house and home, etc. But you point out that many men don't fit that definition. Others, as you say, probably do fit the definition even if it is not always obvious at first glance.

One of my favorite parts comes next, and that is what you called: The lesson of the day... (I love the way you write as if you are speaking to people, and that they better listen!) The lesson: Women Claim To Have A Hard Time Finding A Good Man, But A Man Has An Even Harder Time Finding A Good Women. The reason given is that women, in their romantic quest to find a perfect prince charming, often spend years kissing frogs and being treated like garbage. Then when they do happen to meet him, they don't see him for what he is.

The next part deals with the expectations that women have. For many, the ideal man must be tall and muscular, with a certain color eyes and hair, and have enough money. He would be brave yet caring and great in bed, etc. But you wisely stated that all men can't be all things. (Men frequently have unrealistic expectations too, especially concerning the visual.)

I loved this line of yours: Us females need to pull our heads from out of our behinds and take a deep whiff of reality. I know it is meant to be serious, but there is also a great pun in there. And I believe it should have been: We women...

You mention that many women don't realize that the thugs with baggy pants and jewelry are not the good men they are looking for. Those are the men who cheat, who won't marry the girl when she's pregnant, won't pay child support, and quite simply don't look or act like men. For some reason, women tend to stay in abusive relationships. Yet they also file for divorce more often than men, and the reasons given are usually not abuse, but neglect or mental cruelty. Sometimes it is those things, but many times it's because women expect men to talk to them the way other women do, and men aren't wired that way.

Another point made is that women often simply expect too much from a man. In other words, they think he should make the money, then come home and do all the cooking and cleaning too. What you essentially said is that if the man makes the money, then the woman should take care of the home. But I also read into this, or choose to believe it myself, that neither one should have to do it all - if they both work, then they should both share the responsibilities at home. Unfortunately, a lot of people today are too busy thinking of themselves. That goes for men and women. When that happens it's a recipe for disaster, for when one person thinks only of himself or herself it affects everything - the money, the dinner, the cleanliness of the house, the love life, the children, and it takes away any chance of happiness.

I enjoyed reading this Kris, though it wasn't easy to review properly. I am certainly no expert and didn't want to sound like I think I know everything. It was also because the possibilities of what can be said are so endless. Everyone can relate to this in some way. It is to your credit that you wrote in depth about this, and especially that as a woman, you wrote of the experiences of men.

The title is memorable, and it's the kind of work that someone simply has to read to the end. You are very good at writing article, and should get such pieces like this published in magazines.

There was one line that I hope you will change: There are quite a few people who I know that are in sound relationships. I think it would be better if you simplified it a bit. Thus: I know quite a few people who are in...

Thanks for writing on this subject. Everyone should read it!

Harry McDonald
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Review of Where Evil Dwells  
Review by Harry McDonald
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Cranberry Sherri Thanks (Sherri Gibson). This review comes from Showering Acts of Joy

I enjoyed your story Where Evil Dwells immensely. As told by a cat that had once been a boy, (An idea that has been done but that is quite alright.) the story begins with his account of how the children would disappeared, and his thoughts as he struggled to be sure that he had once been human.

One word within the first two sentence actually threw me off a bit. It was the use of the word: for as the first word in the second sentence.

To some, the house was just a place where five eccentric women resided, but I knew differently. For many years I watched innocent children knock on the door on Halloween, never to exit

I don't refer to the old rule of not beginning a sentence with a coordinating conjunction. Instead, it's use slowed me down because I expected the sentence to read differently. As it was to be part of some proclomation, such as: For this was

Example of how to change it: ______ but I knew differently. For I had watched as...

Or the word: for could be eliminated, and you could let the lines read... ______but I knew differently. I had watched for years as...

I often find myself writing in such a "reversed way" as I call it, and upon reading it more times I'll usually catch it. You don't have to change it, but I do think it can be made to reader better.

In the second paragraph, foul-tasting should have been hyphenated. There were other examples in the story where you correctly put hyphens.

There were numerous insertions of words in the progressive form of present tense, meaning words that end wit -ing and which are used to express action. Two paragraphs have four of them, and each has an example of two in one sentence. It's not a bad thing at all, but somehow I just kept noticing. I'd like to suggest that you try to change some of them, as a way to make your writing look even more polished.

Example: "Something's wrong," Polly stated, gazing into my eyes.

That could easily be changed to: "Something's wrong," Polly stated, as she gazed (or looked) into my eyes.

There were a few examples of thoughts by the cat that needed to be italicized, to emphasize the words are currently being thought.

This story had good suspense, and evil witches. Polly cried some, but I would have expected her to scream at some point. I liked the ending, and thought it was appropriate, considering the characters.

The thing mentioned above can all easily be fixed, or changed some. I hope you will consider my suggestions. I love the story, and recommend it highly. Thanks for sharing it!

Harry McDonald
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Review of Son of the Moon  
Review by Harry McDonald
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Leila. This review comes from Showering Acts of Joy!

I found your story The Son of the Moon a fascinating read. It reminded me just vaguely of The Song of Hiawatha, with its references to stars and the moon, though it is obviously an entirely different story. And though the characters could have been anywhere and in any time, I believe most readers would think of it as Native North American lore and legend. That makes it unique to me, for while it immediately seems like something that happened in the distant past, such stories are timeless reads.

The one exception is the boy's use of the words mom instead of mother. Mother sounds more like the reverent word that would have been used in the past, though I can't be sure.

Your have a good way of describing action. The telling of their movements, without adding every possible detail, was all that was needed. I should point out that in the seventh paragraph, there are the words: White Buffalo noticed a movement with the corner of his eye... The common way to express it would be: noticed a movement out of the corner of his eye...

In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma is needed after: Sun, because the words seem to run together.

"Look, said White Sun pointing at the sky.

With the comma inserted, it now reads: "Look, said White Sun, pointing at the sky.

Or it could be changed to: "Look, said White Sun as he pointed at the sky.


There are numerous omissions of the word: the.

Example: Tonight was full moon. Should be: Tonight is the full moon. Or: Tonight is a full moon.

I understand that that English is not your first language, and coming from Brazil, it is probably Portuguese. That considered, you are doing very well. with your English.

I liked the font you used, and your use of little flowers instead of asterisks. They just seemed to fit the story.

The last paragraphs were written very well, with their telling of the boy speaking to the animals, and gaining the wisdom and abilities from them to lead his people. His manner of speaking to his mother showed that he had become a man.

I’m very glad I came across your story. Thanks for sharing it!

Harry McDonald
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Review by Harry McDonald
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, tabbycat90! This review comes from Showering Acts of Joy!

Your story Entombment of a Machine is a fascinating piece of writing, for in it, you have quite possibly described the most frightening scenario that anyone could ever read.

What a terrible position to be in - to suddenly find oneself in a room with nothing but white at every turn, and no doors or windows? And beyond that, to possibly never get out? The character did not know how he got there, or who could have done it to him. He asked himself the questions anyone would ask: Is this a dream? Am I dead and in hell? Or was it my "real" life that was the dream?

Your use of present tense in conveying the man's thoughts goes a long way, as it places the reader right there with him, with each new question and action. I did notice a few lines that were past tense, and interestingly enough, it was right after that that the man made mention of having lost all track of time, what might truly be past or present, and even what the real world might be.

I don't want to give all the details away, and will say only that the things the man has to endure in this story would be a terrible thing to go through!

I noticed no errors in punctuation or spelling. Indeed, your writing is excellent, because to think of such a story is one thing in itself, but to put it into words as well as you did is another thing altogether. Something that did stand out to me was the absence of italics, yet to have put them in would have meant doing so for every word in the story. Therefore, it could be assumed that he was saying the words to himself. After all, he was the only character. In that way, it worked well.

My only real question is the use of the word: machine in the title, unless it refers to the fact that his existence there seems to go on and on, as if he can never die.

I referred to how frightening this story is at the beginning of the review. I’d like to suggest that you not just categorize it as fantasy, for this is absolute horror. Not horror in the sense that every line is trying to scare the reader. It is the way you wrote it - it is the thoughts the readers will get when finding themselves imagining being in such a position.

To be there would be truly maddening.

Thanks for a great read,

Harry McDonald
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Review of The Abyss  
Review by Harry McDonald
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Metaphysical Journey. This review comes from Showering Acts of Joy!

The Abyss is a fascinating account of a man's faith, and how the death of his dog, and the words his preacher told him affected him for the rest of his days.

I didn't totally understand the first paragraph, and the title, except that to me, the abyss seems to refer to his feeling of not going where he will go in the end. Anyway, I think the first paragraph had its proper effect since I didn't dwell on it or the word abyss afterwards. Starting with the second paragraph, I wanted to read every word that came next.

The words that described how his dog screamed were hard to read, but to me, necessary. It was the words that described his sadness that were the most important, because from there, he began to ask his questions about God.

His mother seemed to have never questioned anything she had been taught about God, but then, so many people, right or wrong, do the exact same thing. Not everyone would seek more answers, as her son did. I think she did try to have the best answers for him.

I thought the preacher showed an incredibly callous attitude, in answering the eight year old boy's question about his dog . Many of us would remember something like that, even if heard at that age. Surely, anyone with a compassionate bone in his body would have said something different. After that, the boy's attitude toward the preacher seemed perfectly understandable, especially a few years later. I tend to think that some of the boy's anger came out so passionately because he had become a teenager, since... that's what they do.

At this point I must point out a few typos and errors: New should be knew, coarse should be course, Gomoro should be Gomorrah, enlighten should be enlightened, drown should be drowned, maybe should be may be, and man should be man's. In the paragraph which began with his mom looking very tired, the phrase Mom had quietly struggling with... looks like it needs the word: been between had and quietly. Practicing your proofreading - reading paragraphs over again until you know you're finished with them will help you catch simple errors like these.

I do want to say that, those aforementioned errors aside, this story was written exceptionally well. Even when I realized that the story was told from the other side--it worked for me, plain and simple. Actually, I don't know how the story could even exist without having done it. Sometimes you gotta try, and I think many readers will not even notice. I don't want to say so much that I give the story away.

The character's questions about God, heaven and life after death, his beliefs, and his doubts are things that everyone who has ever lived has thought and asked themselves at one time or another, but I have never known of anyone being able to put it into words so well.

To me, the next to last sentence was stunning. And I would not say that if I didn't mean it. Whether it could be that way or not, whether a dream or not, if we personally believe or question, or whatever anyone might say about it, it happened in the story, and it was stunning. The entire story, and especially the ending, is incredibly thought provoking, and will foster even more questions. Excellent writing!

I hope everyone reads this.

Harry McDonald
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Review by Harry McDonald
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Rod. This review of How to Build Your Own Star System is from Showering Acts of Joy!

The subject of your essay is a complicated one, and I am certainly not qualified to critique the actual subject matter. I can say that your writing style is very good, and you did well at explaining the process from beginning to end. Because of that, I was able to recognize patterns concerning how the miasmashells created new planets.

The only things I saw that need to be fixed were extra spaces between some words. One example is the sentence starting with: Luny will escape the collision...

I would be interested in hearing what your occupation is - whether you are an astronomer, professor, etc.

Again, this is a well written essay. There have to be many students that would benefit greatly from reading your clear explanations.

Harry McDonald
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Review of The Walk  
Review by Harry McDonald
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi susanL. This review is on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy!

First Impression: The Walk is a well written story, from beginning to end. The first line, about nothing ever happening in Greensburg, Texas, told me that something interesting was going to happen, and so I had to read it! Your writing technique is great. I could easily sense how bored Karen was with her life and husband, her sense of release when she started walking faster, her embarrassment, and then her fears during the encounter with the man in the car. You also conveyed both the suspense, and the conflict very well.

I liked the imagery of the words: The sun slowly bled into the ground…

Suggestions: (Two small ones) I had to question the use of the word carnal. Primal might be more appropriate. There were also the words: spongy earth, and soggy earth. There’s nothing wrong with those words, of course, except that I found myself reading again to find a reference to rain. When I didn't see that, I wondered if you should have used the word dew.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: In the fifth paragraph, the word separate is spelled incorrectly. (That word is commonly misspelled.) And hungover should probably be two words. Just small things that can be fixed.

I got the impression that Karen‘s issues continued, and noticed that Patty was watching one of her children, despite what had happened. This is the kind of writing that people just eat up, and I believe you could create a novel if you so desired.

The Walk is an original, and excellent story!

Thanks for sharing,

Harry McDonald

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Review of Captor  
Review by Harry McDonald
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
acemckean,

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy! I enjoyed your story, and I hope my suggestions will prove to be helpful.

First Impression: Captor is a good idea for a story. There is a certain creepiness to it, especially in the last two lines.
It could definitely be a good, longer story too, if you chose to do so.

Suggestions: The first paragraph could benefit from some changes. The first sentence said: A strange movement moved...
It would look a lot better if it said something like: A strange force moved... In the second sentence, something is left out
after the word air. Since it would be too easy to put was... I suggest you let it read as: The air thickened... And in the next
sentence, I would use the word limb.

You might should replace the word instigated with prompted, or else rephrase it as: instigated further movement...

Spelling/Punctuation/Grammar: A few words need commas after them. Ex: gray, out, smiled Without them (especially in
longer sentences) the reader might not take in each thing that the sentence is saying.

I liked reading Captor. It has a memorable ending, and a lot of potential for a bigger story.

Harry McDonald
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Review of Our Family Secret  
Review by Harry McDonald
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, aralls__. This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for making your writing available for me to read. I hope my comments are helpful, but you know your writing better than I, and should follow your own instincts. And as always, Keep On Writing!

First Impression: The title made me read it! Who could resist hearing what a family secret could be? Also, I knew right away that it was well written.

Suggestions: I would not change a thing! This story is original, and funny. It has great scenerios that make the reader want to continue to the end, and the ending is memorable. Honestly, I don't always find the type of comedy I'm looking for, but I certainly did here! There are quite a few great lines - "gems' as I call them. Examples: The ones regarding the Southern accent, no thumbs, hairy hindquarters... They're all great!

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: I would like to make a few suggestions in this category. The first line would be more correct if it were to read: Every family has its secrets, instead of their secrets. The second line would flow better as: I'm sure that sentence alone,... instead of I'm sure just that sentence.... And may I suggest: medical books, and had us all, instead of medical books, so he had us all.... And there should be commas after One day and famous. Those things can be easily fixed.

This is truly a great, and funny story. Thanks for sharing, and I plan to read more of yours!

Harry
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Review of Six Minutes  
Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Brittany,

Excellent (very) short story! Though I don't think any more needed to be said.

If I may point out a few things... There could have been a comma between window and blowing. And please be careful to not let any parts read like present tense. The line If looked upon very carefully, you notice a picture... suddenly reads like someone is telling the story. (Though I don't think it works here, it is possible to utilize such, no matter what they say..)

In the line about the angel, the use of the word top could (to someone as slow as me, at least) make it read like she is actually standing on the desk, instead of beside it.

Anyway, things like those are easily fixed.

This is a touching story of one not being able to live without the other, and your great use of description paints a memorable picture. I am glad I discovered your writing!

Harry
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Review of Un-dead Job  
Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked the words working un-dead. I know some of them!

Harry
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Review of Nightmares  
Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You have a good idea for a story. I'd like to suggest a few technical things that might help. Please take the time to proofread well. (I learned this myself from reviews on this site.) One example is that the word terrified is used to describe a million thoughts, but it would be more proper to use terrifying. The word chocked is used but should instead be choked. Some of the sentences could be shortened. An example is the one starting with My mind is all jumbled up, and ending with the man who had helped earlier. The line It is the same man who helped me at the bed earlier would work better as a separate sentence in a new paragraph, and to more heightened effect.

I'd like to suggest eliminating the word right, as in right above my left ear. It can work, but might slow many a reader down.

I liked the descriptions of the leaves cracking underneath him, and the whispering trees. Also the description of the mysterious man. I think it worked really well to give him that menacing description, yet leave him nameless.

Enjoyed it,
Harry
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Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: E | (5.0)
Jeanette,

Regarding the political analysis of Hawthorne's The Scarlett Letter, I asked myself why, if he had no political agenda, did he make a point to deny it in the preface? Perhaps he had spoken of it enough prior to publishing that he ended up wishing he had not.

I suppose you know that a certain line was more or less repeated. But that's alright. I could not have even written it.

This was an informative piece of writing that I will benefit from knowing.

Harry
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Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: E | (4.5)
That's hilarious, and flows really well. I like poems that entertain like that.

Harry
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Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
That was really good. A horrifying thought - that it could probably actually happen. Though I love ficiton just like you, to me it could never
equal the horrors some people have actually experienced.

Forgive me, but I am here to learn and sometimes I suggest things that I'm not sure of myself. Before I scrolled down farther, I thought that
the words _____ kids are actually his was the end of the story, and thought that it worked. But I can also see not being able to resist the line about them waiting for her to get to work.

A good and thought provoking read,

Harry
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Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: E | (4.0)
Formaldehyde in the head sounds worse than the bug! I enjoyed that.

Harry
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Review of BVDs  
Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: E | (4.0)
You painted a good picture of everyone running. I'd like to suggest for the line that starts with Greatly amused... that you not use the second word that ends in _____ing. It might read better that way.

Thanks for providing the read,

Harry
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Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: E | (5.0)
The most entertaining poem I've read on this site. Keep it up!

Harry
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Review of The Blind Date  
Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
What a strange situation that would be! It doesn't make me want to try online dating!

Written very well,

Harry
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Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked this, and would like to read more. I like the name of their office. It reminded me of that Austin Powers movie, when he hands
someone a card saying Man of Mystery.

Harry
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Review of waiting for what?  
Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: E | (4.0)
This piece had really long sentences that somehow worked well. The first paragraph especially, read as if you had said it all.

Waiting for What? is a mysterious read, yet that made it interesting. It started by mentioning she who was or was not coming, and of having a sense of dread. It made me think someone was going to beat up the narrator. But then it didn't mention her again, until the end.

You used the words having faith in her coming. If she was the one that the narrator dreaded seeing, I'd like to suggest not using the word faith.

You descriptions of the feeling of dread, and of the cold were very effective.

The demise of the narrator was gruesome! It told of a him who ruined the narrator's life, and I thought at first that he killed her. But then I went back to the beginning, and decided that she killed her, and that he was between them. But I'm still not sure. It may be just me!

If this is something you were able to do quickly, I'd like to see how it would be if expanded, and perfected some more. It's very good.

Harry
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Review of River Nile  
Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice poem, but please check the spelling on various words.
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Review of Digging  
Review by Harry McDonald
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
darrenk,

This was a very good idea for a story, and you wrote it well. There is good suspense with the gradual buildup of the darkness, the fog, cold and stench. If I may make some suggestions, you might mention Sean a little less. Somehow to me, it was obvious early on that he wasn't coming.

The line He never stood up again is a dramatic one, though it does give something away. Of course in a horror story, we all know something is coming anyway, so I don't know what to tell you there. The paragraph where Fintan starts to cry has a line that says: The logical part of the part... I'm sure you meant to put something else there. Re: the line about the grey and yellow face meeting... If you read it again, I think you'll want to make two sentences into one, or else use the word met.

One of the many things I've learned on this site is to carefully proofread.

The last line is a classic! Well done!

I've done comedy so far, if you care to read any. Anyway, good writing!
Harry
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