*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/acelette/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8
Review Requests: OFF
787 Public Reviews Given
997 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 -8- ... Next
176
176
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I feel bad zapping you for points just to send you my forum review (especially twice in one morning), so I'm giving them back *Smile*

Title: Magigenesis
Chapter: Chapter 2 Part 1
Author: Mikita

Plot:
A man is watching children try on lip gloss and at the same time, feeling out the type of power that two of the girls have. You’ve used this as a good opportunity to explain some more about who different magical elements work, how other magic users sense and react to them, and what some of the other phrases that you’ve introduced mean.
You also seem to hint a little more here at what happened in the previous chapter to Cal.

Setting:
A school hallway (I think)

Characterization:
We meet Sigerdlic. He seems to be a very important person in this world. He’s also powerful, arrogant, and likes younger girls. He can sense very well what type of power the people around him have.


Grammar:
*Bullet*He could have given her thoughts that would sear her tender mind, and broken her sticklike body,
Change broken to break. I can see how the first is proper, but the second flows better to me.
*Bullet*Another child, a golden haired angel magically caught the tube as the dark one tossed it to her.
Comma between angel and magically: golden haired angel, magically caught

Just My Personal Opinion:
(Told you it was compelling – I had to read the next chapter instead of getting ready for work like I should be *Smile*)

*Bullet*Even though you’ve separated the magic into its own separate elements (water, air, earth, fire), I like that you haven’t made it as cut and dried as that. Instead, for instance, you’ve given people different kinds of water – streams, oceans, lakes, etc. I think this is a good way to make an already widely used magic system more fresh and believable.
177
177
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Title: Magigenesis
Chapter: Chapter 1
Author: Mikita

Plot:
Cal is with Beatrice, another magic user, and her untapped magic against his causes him to release more power than he should. The Assembly has to rush in and save both of them as well as keep them from being noticed by something much less nice.

Setting:
Cal’s living room in a house in Arizona.
You’ve done a good job of introducing the different titles/ranks/terminologies of the Assembly. Overall, the world that you’ve created flows into the work like they belong together.

Characterization:
Cal is a powerful magic user who hasn’t yet achieved something that sounds like a form of ascending. Beatrice is given a name in this rewrite (I don’t think she had one before, but I apologize if she did), and then rushed off stage. We get to learn a little bit about what type of power Cal uses, as well as the redheaded woman who helps him through this troubled time.

Grammar:
Your grammar is good – I didn’t see anything specific to point out.

Just My Personal Opinion:
*Bullet*I felt my magic stretch awake like a lion awaking from slumber.
Repeated word – awake:
I felt my magic stretch awake like a lion from slumber.
*Bullet* You’ve used the word ‘magic’ a lot. I understand it may be for impact or to emphasise that’s what it is. I’d suggest seeing if you can pare it down a little – maybe replace some instances with other words like power or energy, and see if there are some places where it can be referred to as ‘it’.

*Bullet*The beginning of this reads much better now. It’s still only an allusion to what’s happening, but I feel like it makes it more clear than before that there is a second party involved and hints at what the two of them are doing.
The scene where Cal feels the water magic seems much more vivid and in depth now as well. I really enjoyed the imagery you used here.
*Bullet*At the end of this chapter, as before, you hint that something more than expected has happened to Cal to make him recover so fast. Last time I read this, I thought maybe he had achieved another step in his magic wielding, or something like that. This time I got the impression that it had more to do with relationship to the redhead.

This is still a very compelling opening chapter. It’s got action from the beginning, sucks the reader in for the duration and ends with a great hook.
178
178
Review of Abstract Blue  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
The begining of this story is very gripping. You've used some great imagary to compare Alena's artwork to both her past and present surroundings.

You have a lot of adverbs in here (usually words ending in 'ly' although not always). I'd recommend going through and seeing how many of them you can replace or get rid of. A lot of times an adverb is used to convey hesitation, uncertainty, or some other lack of commitment in the story, but they can slow things down and remove action from an otherwise fluid tale (I'm guilty of that very think, myself *Bigsmile*)

The cold, monotonous shades of blue I paint remind me that always.
change an of:
The cold, monotonous shades of blue I paint remind me of that always.

It was only luck that I scarcely escaped the colossal fire and my hometown altogether,
I don't think you need the 'scarcely' here, because the 'only luck' already implies that.

That blue calms me, seemingly conveying a message to me.
Change seemingly to seeming to

A young man and two girls peer closely at the raven-haired young woman bedridden
Move bedridden to earlier in the sentence
A young man and two girls peer closely at the bedridden raven-haired young woman.

It is as terrified as those of a cornered rat, brimming with tears.
Change 'It is' to 'They are'

You draw a compelling image, starting with Alena's past and blending it into what is happening to her now. The way that your story reflects the final description of 'Blue' is a good parallel. Very well written piece.
179
179
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think this is a great start. The narration voice that you've used has a similiar feeling to a parable, but isn't so formal that it's hard to read.

I had just a couple of suggestions for changes:

As you know frogs are ugly and very unlikable, so as you can imagine it was inconvenient for Ingrosol’s most applauded champion to be transformed into something so hideous as a frog.
Remove 'as a frog' from the end:
As you know frogs are ugly and very unlikable, so as you can imagine it was inconvenient for Ingrosol’s most applauded champion to be transformed into something so hideous.

When listening to the mobs demands always remember to look ashamed of
yourself.
Change mobs to mob's

As soon as he came in their sights,
Change 'in' to 'into '

to pick up a small mallet that had been left by one of the villager’s door
Change suggestion:
to pick up a small mallet that had been left by a villager’s door

I really enjoy the rules for dealing with a mob. The other author's notes in () are a nice touch as well. There are times when it's not appropriate for the author to share their thoughts/opinions/knowledge with the reader outside of the scope of the characters. However, in this case I think its an effective tool.
180
180
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.0)
As far as grammar is concerned, I think that a lot of the tone is important to getting to know Evan. It shows who he is and how he thinks. I did see some things that I recommend changing though.

I couldn’t stop myself from blinking my eyes repeatedly to ensure that it wasn’t a freaking mirage (or whatever) I was seeing then.
Suggestion:
...freaking mirage (or whatever), that I was seeing.

I let out a bark of laughter that rivalled both Tom and Duncan’s.
Change rivalled to rivaled

...facing off a line of three solemn-looking senior girls in pom-poms and identical short black skirts,...
Suggestion:
facing off a line of three solemn-looking senior girls with pom-poms and in identical short black skirts,...

So I was laughing at my friends’ wits more than anything else.
Change wits to wit

I’d forgotten Jade was still standing there. Jade, who had told me again and again, not to lose myself to those morons in a few heady moments.
Jade came up to me then and spat, “That’s too much, Evan.”
Suggestion:
I’d forgotten Jade was still standing there. Jade, who had told me again and again, not to lose myself to those morons in a few heady moments. She came up to me. “That’s too much, Evan,” she spat.


Jade was smart, witty and funny, and me, being a regular, typecast jock who supposedly had a brain the size of a pea (I wouldn’t demean myself so, but I know for a fact that half the guys on the team didn’t know any words with more than four syllables) could do with a clever friend.
This is a long sentence, and by the time I reached the end, I forgot what it was referencing. Suggestion:
Jade was smart, witty, and funny. Your regular, typecast jock has a brain the size of a pea (I knew for a fact half the guys on the team didn't know any words with more than four syllables), and while I wasn't that bad, I could do with a clever friend.

I stared blindly ahead at the blank wall in my room. “Yeah,” I intoned tonelessly
Intoned tonlessly...this was awkward to read. I'd suggest finding a way to say it differently.

I wondered what was the point.
Change the . to a ?

She didn’t blink. But the door that had slammed shut in her eyes seemed not so immovable now.
This is a double negative. Suggestion:
She didn’t blink. But I could see the door that had slammed shut in her eyes might be movable.

“Then can you be honest from now?”
Add an on to the end
“Then can you be honest from now on?”

Why did I reject Stanford--and slogged my way through university on a meagre delivery boy's wage?
Change slogged to slog

I thought it was interesting that your lead character jock is friends with the newspaper editor. As far as high school cliques go, that seemed outside the stereotypes you'd put in place. But I like that you explain that later in the story, and even before that, the straight shot into Evan's mind show that he does have a more than stereotypical personality underneath it all.

This is a touching story. It's not a unique idea, but usually when something like this is told, its not told in the first person. The way that this is laid out really allows the reader a deeper glimpse into the thoughts and psychology of the person who did the taunting,a nd that adds a unique touch to the tale and gives it that much more impact. Good job.
181
181
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Your dialogue flows well, and mingles with your descriptions to make this all very readable.

Suggestions for grammar/rewording:

Upon a first meeting with the man, any soul would find him intimidating at first glance, but they would be shaking in their boots by the end of his first sentence.
YOu've used 'first' three times here. Suggestion to pare a couple of instances down:
An initial glace was intimidating enough upon meeting the man, but by the end of his first sentence, one would be shaking in their boots.

He carried himself with the demeanor that everyone else around him were bougars he had just flicked away out of that sharp nose.
This was awkward to me. Suggestion:
His demeanor imliked that those around him were boogers that he had just pulled out of his sharp nose and flicked away.

Where she was quiet and calculating, he was loud and irrational.
Irriational is a more subjective word than the rest of these. I'd suggest replacing it with something like 'reactive', 'prone to act on instint', something like that.

"Hawk, as you wish to be called, you know very well that a woman is not fitted for this kind of work. Let Skye or Haru-"
Change fitted to fit

And the damned military would be able to do what they'd please.
Change they'd please to they pleased



I like that you describe Hawk's curls as blood colored. However, I think it can be limited to once a chapter. I'm seeing the phrase too frequently.

They were like those damnable ducks...sitting there preening before the hunter comes and the warm crimson liquid forms an ocean on the ground.
This is fantastic imagary. I like this sentence a lot.

Again you've ended the chapter with a great cliffhanger. One is left wondering who Patrick is, if Hawk is dead, and who Fate and Deliverance are - that one has me the most curious.
182
182
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This starts out on a great note - you've got description, and emotion. And then you top it off with humor, your description of Vladmir makes me smile.

Captain Hawk's first speech to her new recruits is reminiscent of a drill sergeant, very effective. Suggestion though, if her crew is military trained, or anything like that, they would try and hide their fear at the rant and respond to "Do I make myself clear so far?" with a "Sir, yes Sir!" It would be a part of their previous training/brainwashing, and if they didn't, she would have a negative reaction to their innapropriate reaction. And I like her conclusion to this speech.

After reading the rest, the one suggestion I have is to do some more research into the way military training, personnel work. I recognize the importance of working some additional conflict into the story with poorly trained troops, but there would be some things that they would know unless they completely bombed bootcamp, and they probably wouldn't have been kept in the military for anything if that were the case. They would know how to stand at attention and in a straight line, although they definitely might take their time doing it just out of lack of respect.

Just a couple of rewording suggestions:
...an organization that served little to no purpose than foiling...
Add an 'other':
... an organization that served little to no purpose other than foiling...

He glared at the recruits as they once again failed to form an even have decent line.
Change have to half

Good job of working the characters' physical descriptions into the flow of the story. You're already laying out good characters. Their personalities are developing distinctly. You chose to end this chapter in a good place - with the general arriving - to make the reader want to keep reading.
183
183
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a fantastic concept. It's a good revisioning of a classic story. I found just a couple of grammar suggetstions:

'Once again without even the sight of someone to dance one.'
Change one to with, or add dance again after one

'Oh sure sometimes theres an evil stepmother'
Change theres to there's

'Oh sure I'm allowed to help around, you know I get to plan parties'
Change around to out

'although no the guy was hovering at my eye line so the first thing'
remove the no = athough the guy....

'It felt to incredibly wonderful that I looked up again.'
Change to to too or to so

Overall the whole piece flows well. The voice that you've chosen to narrate in is casual and easy to read. It shows that you've put a lot of thought into your character and know who she is and how she feels about the world around her. Your descriptions of how she'd gotten her name, how a princess gets married, the soccer mom analogy, I loved all of that.

I hope your planning to take this further, because you've got a great idea and the interlaced comedy makes it an enjoyable read.
184
184
Review of One: Brother  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The opening dream sequence is very good. Its breif but descriptive and captivating and very much draws the reader in.

As ONE begins, you start off by describing Ragnas' observations of a young man in a read cloak, but then the next three paragraphs distract from the flow of the story and I had to backtrack by the time I reached the one where it picked up again, to make sure I remembered what was being said. The narrative contains good information, but I'd suggest moving it, breaking it up so that it is smattered throughout, or removing it. If its removed, you can imply it throughout the story instead of explaining it all up front.

You do the same thing when you describe Brother's past. If the story is meant to be continued, I would suggest weaving all of these details in as it goes along. If it will end here, some of this detail may not be needed to tell this part of the tale.

Suggested edits:
'Though he was young, there was little notable about his appearance.'
Add an else
'Though he was young, there was little else notable about his appearance.'

'bring about the fall of Ragnas's master.'
Remove the second s from Ragnas'

'The building itself was extremely utilitarian in'
Remove the word extremely

'That was what the Ward had told him, at any rate, and not for the first time, after watching the fighting earlier that night.'
This has a stuttering flow to it. Rearrange it a little to get rid of some of the comma's
'At any rate, and not for the first time, that was what the Ward had told him after watching the fighting earlier that night.

'That noise was soon followed by others, and there were heavy, deliberate footsteps in the silences that separated them.'
Change to
'That noise was soon followed by others; there were heavy, deliberate footsteps in the silences that separated them.'

'Drawing his arm back for what he was certain to be the inevitable advance, Brother instead found himself facing the same image of the man in the edge of the light, his expression still that of determination and anger.'
This sentance left me confused, I wasn't sure what you meant to say.

Brother sought the high ground, and he used his opportunity to leap upon the work table,
Change and he used to using

Arden Mernith was there, perched upside-down upon the ceiling like the venomous recluse he was, and he now had a great sense of irritation at the fact that he now was being forced
Remove one of the now's

'Then it opened its eyes, and they were great black things and filled with malice.'
Remove the second and
'...great black things filled with malice.'

''Please,' started Mernith irritably. 'Ghosts haunt, my friend, and as you can plainly see I am still very much among the living, which, I regret to say, is dissimilar to how you are about to be.'
Break into two sentences
''Please,' started Mernith irritably. 'Ghosts haunt, my friend, and as you can plainly see I am still very much among the living. Which, I regret to say, is dissimilar to how you are about to be.'

'had wisely taken advantage of the distraction to hack through a good deal of the sticking strands that bound him to the floor.'
Change sticking to sticky

'He tucked his arm hard against his side and began to cradled it with his undamaged arm.'
Change cradled to cradle

Overall, your sentance structure, paragraphs, and description all meld well together. It seems to be a well edited, well written piece that you have put a lot of time and thought into. It shows that you have a clear picture in your head of what you're writing about, especially your characters, both as they are now, and who they are outside of the written scenes. I hope there's more, I look forward to reading the rest.
184 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 8 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/acelette/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8