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26
26
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your entry in "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I like the way you flashed back and forth between the perspective of Rapunzel and the theives who had taken her and the others. I was wondering in the first section why Rapunzel's thoughts were so vague, and by the second I figured it out, but you've written it out wonderfully. I wish I had more specifics to highlight, but I just enjoyed the piece overall. Your description, characterization of the creatures, giving us a very human glimpse into their thoughts, it was all well written. Great job!


*Note6* Did this follow the spirit of the contest?:
Yes. This was a fantastic take on the Maiden in distress prompt. I thought you did wonderfully telling it from the perspective that you did. I remember the round this was a part of and this defintely would have taken home a ribbon for that specific prompt. I'm not done judging this round yet, but best of luck in the contest.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
Nothing stood out to me - it all flowed beautifully.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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27
27
Review of Bluebird's Comb  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your entry in "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* Scene/Setting:
Her hair, short and straight and jumpy, made me think of a ragged skirt pulled down over her ears.
Great description. In fact, you have a lot of descriptions like this that really paint a great image.

*Note6* Style/Voice:
This has a very casual style and voice to it. It walks a fine line toward being too much, but I think in this instance you used it correctly and it reads very well. It adds to the enjoyability of this first person narration.

*Note6* Characters:
Right off you start to set the characters apart with their different personalities. I would have liked to see Jill's name introduced earlier so that it stands out more, but I got a good idea of who each person was just by their interractions and reactions with each other. Great way to suck me in to the story.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I like the way this starts out - the metaphor used for trying to get into the purse. From the begining you had me hooked and curious. The way you didn't explain anything except through character observation was appropriate as well. You didn't make up excuses to have the character explain things to us, you just let them think the way people normally think when they already know what's going on.

There were a couple of points where I felt a little lost - like I didn't relaize he had gone into a store when he stole the comb until he left, but overall I thought this was a fantastic, worthwhile read. Great job and good luck in the contest!

*Note6* Did this follow the spirit of the contest?:
This was a very cleverly disguised formula. I like how you want for the sad, ambigous ending here and I thought that the wrapper you put on the entier thing was unique and enjoyable to read.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* Shot a grin that stretched her thin face into nothing but big eyes and shiny lips over her shoulder through a cloud of red hair.
This was a good line, but the way it's arranged made it a little awkward and I had to re-read it a few times to understand it. Consider rearranging it just a little:
Over her shoulder she shot me a grin through a cloud of red hair that stretched her thin face into nothing but big eyes and shiny lips.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
28
28
Review of The Outcast  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
On a technical level, this story is clean and well written. No glaring grammer or spelling errors stood out to me. The narration and the dialogue flowed easily and the entire piece was smooth reading.

On a content level, I think you approached a very touchy subject, one that people don't like to think about much. I hope that's not the reason for the low star rating on this piece, I think it's a shame to rate something based on emotion instead of the quality of the work itself.

The thoughts that you put in Leslie's head were appropriate to the character. Not approaching the Outcast because she felt genuine sympathy for the man, but because she felt it was her duty to do so. Referring to your main character as Outcast instead of ever giving them a name also added to the feeling in this story.

If I had one suggestion, it would be to expand the scene around the homeless outreach. Put more dialogue and character interraction in to help feed the Outcast's thoughts about the matter. I thought it a shame that you had to spell his conclusion out in the end, but this is not your shortcoming as a writer, but rather speaks to a reader's failing. I think it was needed to get your point across.

Overall I enjoyed this piece and think you did a good job of conveying your message.


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29
29
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your entry in "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* Characteriazation:
Physical Appearance:
The description of the clothing is a good hint at personality. It means either wealth or a desire to look like he has wealth. This is a good hint of the person under the coat and goggles.

Occupation:
Sercurity...again an interesting choice. Given his own mental instabilities and the way he dresses, I think the second character's occupation is an appropriate and obvious counter to this.

Behavior:
I like the brief glimps of contrasting behavior you gave this two. The part that stood out to me the most here was a secretive extrovert - it's a nice contrast within one individual and will make for a very complex character. Well done.

Relationships:
We know he doesn't have the best memories of the past, and that he's either just shooting hoops or he has a handful of friends he must play basketball with, but I wasn't able to get a clear idea of his relationships.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
Your note at the end about this being two separate characters, though Jovan believes them to both be himself is instriguing. That alone fills me with a great deal of curiosity and makes me want to see how such a character is written out. The complexities of that are fascinating and I could see it either becoming soap-opera-esque or an intense psychological character drama. It's brimming with potential. Overall, you have a good rough sketch of this character, but I didn't feel like I was able to get inside his head. There are hints of who he is, where he came from, and a base physical description, but I don't know how he would react in most situations, why he took the job he did, why basketball, or any of his other motivations. How does he hold himself? How does he view the people around him? Does he smile or scowl when he walks into a crowded room? Does he have a snide comment resting in the back of his mind everytime someone talks to him, or does he let it roll off and just go with the flow. You may have these things in mind, but as part of a character sketch, I'm dying to know all of this and more to give me a feel for the individual.

Like I said though, this character is brimming with potential. With what you've laid out so far, a fascinating story could be built around him, and it's one I'd be very interested to read. Good job.



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*Note* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note*
30
30
Review of Desiree  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your entry in "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* Characteriazation:
Physical Appearance:
Your physical description of Desiree is great. The 'pleasantly plump' extra padding lets the reader know she has more important things to worry about than maintaining the cross-country body she would have had in high school, and the scar and where it comes from gives an idication that she may be either clumsy or prone to being distracted. Little details like this really add to a character and give them depth, allowing the reader to relate to things outside of the main plot.

Occupation:
This was the one bit of the character that didn't ring true to me. As a part-time babysitter, even if it's with an established daycare center, I don't expect that she's making more than $10 an hour, maybe $15. Even being generous with her hours and saying part time means 30 hours a week, she's only bringing home $450 a week pre-tax, so about $300 after taxes (if she's at a daycare center, I'm going to assume they don't pay her under the table). To be paying for college, and rent, and supporting a bum of a fiancee off $1200 a month borders on impossible. However, take out the college and while it still means things are tight, they're more plausible. I'm not saying take her out of college, just don't make that part of her current budgetary concerns. Maybe she either just supplements little scholarships (still giving you the very tight budget you describe), or another stress in her life is how she's going to pay back student loans once she graduates.

Behavior/Relationships:
With this character, the two are deeply intertwined. Her past relationships drive her current behavior, which leads her to make more bad relationship decisions. Showing how she reacted to her abandonment in the past is another great thing to help make this characer 3-D and flesh them out. The one thing about her behavior that didn't tie in for me here is her drive to finish college. In other aspects of her life, she's shown as taking the easy way out - running away from grandmother's positive influence, moving in with the boyfriend who paid her the attention she wanted - and college is definitely not that. However as an element of good story telling, this is one of those things that hints at internal conflict and could drive a great plot, so I don't think it needs to be changed, it just gives more reasons to build a story around her to figure out why it is this way.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
Desiree is a complex character with many facets to her personality. She's been given a background, motivations, internal and external conflict, and the depth needed to breath life into a story. I can see a variety of settings that would be appropriate for her and she would make a wonderful focal point for a number of character driven tales. Great job!


*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
31
31
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your entry in "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* Scene/Setting:
The way you used cultural reference throughout this piece was key to creating the setting. Your mention of both characters enjoying cricket was a great start to this, and then contuing to work in details such as the political parties and lines like the one below were a great device:
Dear Avinash, where do you think we are living? Not in America. This is India my friend.

*Note6* Characters:
Each of your main characters had a distinct voice, and both approached this situation from a logical perspective. It's interesting how logic can often times lead to different conclusions based on the people and the information given, and you conveyed this well through your charcters.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I enjoyed reading this even beyond the confines of the contest. Starting with a casual conversation amongst friends and co-workers was a great way to lay a foundation that many people, no matter where they live or work, can relate to. Political discussion happens with so many of this, and it was a scenario that drew me in and made me feel a part of the story.

I liked the way you spelled out acronyms the first time that you introduced each, and offere brief, non-intrusive explanations of those things that other people may not be familiar with for cultural reasons.

As the story moved on, I also very much liked the way that the bet was concluded. Delving into what was happening outside of these two characters lives to tell this part of the story was an effective device.

This was a well thought out piece. Thank you for your entry and best of luck in the contest *Bigsmile*

*Note6* Did this follow the spirit of the contest?:
As I read through this, keeping the contest and the prompt in mind, a large smile spread across my face. This was a remarkable way to defy formula based on the given prompt. The bet you chose to make, the results required and they way you chose to make them happen were all wonderfully unique in my opinion.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* She has been witnessing a number of cases of domestic violence and child labor due to the drunkard father’s inability at supporting his family.
I saw some instances in this piece where you switched to present tense instead of following the past tense that most of the story was told in. For instance, in the above, 'has' should be 'had'. This tense switch was the only real issue I found in this creative piece.




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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
32
32
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I just realized I haven't reviewed this contest yet, so I thought I'd drop you a quick line. I like the creative way you've titled this - Lucky Ducky really stirs the imagination. It's a great way to reveal the prompts. Your rules are clearly laid out, your link to the donation bank is easy to find, and all of the information is clear. The different colors, sections and bullets add to this. I think this contest will do really well, and I wish you all sorts of great luck *Bigsmile*

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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
33
33
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

Thank you for bidding in "Invalid Item" . This is review 3 of 3 from your prize.

*Note6* Scene/Setting:
Though there isn't much physical description of the workhouse, I don't think its needed in this piece. The atmoshpere and environment are key to telling the story and you've conveyed that very well. The oppression and the long, painful hours come through.

*Note6* Characters:
Bethany is shown to be a willful girl, intelligent and introspective. I thought that your descriptions of her thoughts and actions conveyed this very well.

Mr. Pithy is well described as well. A strong dislike is bred for him from the start, and grows as the piece continues.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
The desire for freedom shines through in this piece. Through character development and scene setup we understand why Bethany wants out so badly.

he hissed, his breath smelling of old garlic and vinegar that blew hotly on my cheeks.
This is a wonderful, vivid description. Drawing the reader's other senses in like this really heightens the ability to relate to the character.

As this piece moved along, I found myself able to relate to the main character and feel her hope and pain. The way you chose to end this left me mourning the poor girl, but I also thought it was an appropriate end given the nature of the piece. Great story, well done. I've very much enjoyed reading your work, thank you for the opportunity to do so.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* I am only worth as much as I produce to the overseer.
I think a rewording here might help make this clearer. Suggestion:
I am only worth as much to the overseer as I produce.

*Bullet* Our overseer, his name is Thomas Pithy and he is like the devil in human form.
This sentence doesn't finish in the same way it starts (sorry, I know that's not a great description *Smile*). Suggestion:
Our overseer, his name is Thomas Pithy, is like the devil in human form.

*Bullet* It had been left ajar and eyed it with expectant eyes.
Put an 'I' in front of 'eyed'

*Bullet* “No.” she said. “I cannot go with you.”
To me, you don't need the 'she said' here. Since she's performing an action before the dialogue, we know she's speaking.

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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
34
34
Review of Voiceless  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

Thank you for bidding in "Invalid Item" . This is review 2 of 3 from your prize.

*Note6* Characters:
Your description of Melanie was very well done as the story opened. Instead of details, you went for overall appearance and I thought you did a good job of showing her condition instead of telling. The picture painted of this quiet soul was appropriate and heart wrenching in this tale. Showing her psychological state through her actions. One thing I wasn't clear on though was how old she was when she arrived in her new home. At first I thought she was a baby, but later on it became evident that wasn't clear. I think just an extra sentence or two toward the start of this piece would help clear that up.

You did just as great a job of showing Aunt Bertha and Uncle Willy. Through their actions and reactions to the girl, I knew what kind of kind, caring people they were.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is a faced paced short story with a lot of different elements fitted together. You give us a feeling for the characters, and their background, and make us feel for their situation. One conflict is introduced early on, and you explain how everyone deals with it, including the main character. I thought that showing her thoughts later on in the story really helped add to this element. Showing that she was a perfectly normal person except for that one aspect.

I like the way too that you both resolved the conflict and introduced a new twist at the end. Leaving question unanswered like that really added something to the story. I saw some places that were missing words or could use some rewording, and I tried to point out most below, but a re-read would help. Overall though, I thought this was a wonderful tale and I'm glad I found it.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* No advanced warning;
I think (though I'm not positive) that advanced should be advance here.

*Bullet* When they asked her what happened, why she had traveled to see them, all she could do was to gesture while uttering a pitiful whimpering sound.
This part confused me for a moment. I wasn't sure if 'she' referred to Aunt Bertha or Melanie

*Bullet* Maybe I was born this way. I don’t know…I just don’t know!”
You're missing an opening quote here. I saw a few other instances like this in the piece - just something to double check.

*Bullet* Her vocal cords worked, though she’d been frightened, meant she could still speak.
The last part of this sentence didn't quite fit with what came before. I wasn't sure if it was missing a word or something else, but take a look and consider rewording it.

*Bullet* he said with finality.
I think you can remove this bit. I think the way the sentence is structured before this makes this all implied.

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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
35
35
Review of Waiting  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

Thank you for bidding in "Invalid Item" . This is review 1 of 3 from your prize.

I'm sorry for not getting to your reviews this weekend, but I'm on it now, and the rest of your auction prize will follow soon too *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is brief, but it conveys the point. Emotional turmoil, love lost, a soul tossed to and fro with the agony of times past. I am always amazed when such a strong feeling can be conveyed in such few words. This was a great read.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
The first line threw me off at first. I had to read it several times to realize it stood with the last sentence. Maybe either some rearranging to keep this meaning, or a different opening sentence would help.


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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
36
36
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is a beautiful poem that conveys a touching meaning. The way it starts out, drawing the image of a flag from nature, sets the mood for the message you convey. The first stanza was my favorite part of this, because of the image it set in my mind, but this line very much stood out to me as well:
spreading peace, as if fragrance;

The personification you gave to the flag, and the metaphor that you captured behind what it stands for, was wonderful. This was a fantastic poem, well done.


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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
37
37
Review of Disappearing Act  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a participant in:
SoCalScribe's Review Challenge  (18+)
Think your critiquing skills are sharp enough to take home a prize?
#1387009 by Jeff


The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This starts off on a great note - the opening bits of internal dialogue present conflict right away, sucking the reader in and making them wonder what happened.

The description throughout this piece is great - I can sense Annette's shifting combination of concern and irritation, and each setting was given enough description to cement it in my mind without bogging down the narration. The direct glimpses into her thoughts really helped add depth to the character and show that at her core, she's a caring mother trying to do what's best for a playful child.

The one thing I would have liked to know earlier on here was how old Thomas was. I got an impression from his hiding places of his size, but I think an age would have helped me better understand his level of comprehension in all of this.

I really like how you didn't say up front what new game Anette taught Thomas that trumped hide and seek. When I got to this point, the brief description clicked completely for me, and I laughed at the punchline. I've heard of parents who give children things like noisy toys, but teaching them innocent games to grate on each other's nerve's, that was a new twist.

This was a well told, playful story. I mentioned below that I felt the ending could be trimmed, but of course that's personal preference. To me, that was the biggest detractor in reading an otherwise fantastically written tale.


*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet*Now where did he go?
Annette scratched her head, trying to figure out where her son went.
He was just here a minute ago!
Thomas was something of a disappearing act.
To me, the second sentence here is redundant with the first, and I think you can move the needed information to the fourth. Suggestion:
Now where did he go?
Annette scratched her head, pondering the question.
He was just here a minute ago!
Her son Thomas was something of a disappearing act.

*Bullet* During a short trip to Target, he managed to disappear three times!
I don't think you need the exclamation mark here - to me it was distracting at this point.

*Bullet* The first was when she turned her attentions toward a great bathing suit in the clothing department.
This sentence is fine as it is, but with a little rearranging, I think it would have more pop, and I think you can remove 'in the clothing department' because that's implied.
The first was when a great bathing suit caught her eye.

*Bullet* climb under to rows of seats,
I think you meant 'two' instead of 'to'

*Bullet* The sandbox was just about the only thing in the backyard, and there weren't many places for him to hide... which is why she liked taking him out there to play.
I think you can remove the crossed out portion because you've repeated this thought in the next two sentences.

*Bullet* He debated Annette's offer.
Becuase we're seeing this consideration from Thomas' point of view, consider changing 'Anette' to 'Mom' or 'his mom'

*Bullet* "That's right," Annette confirmed with a satisfied smirk, as she moved to buckle Thomas into his car seat. "I spent all week looking for him and worrying. So now I'm returning the favor. Have fun chasing after him... and trying to get him to take his bath or brush his teeth when he won't let you near him!"

To me, this was too much additional explanation of what the overall plan was. I would have liked to see it just left with Earl finding out that the game was tag and slinking away in defeat. This felt to me like intrusion on the reader's imagination when you'd already laid out a heavy implication of what the results would be.


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38
38
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is a touching antecdote - with the first person perspective I don't know if it's biographical or not, but all of the details read as if it is. With your descriptions I was able to not only see the setting, but hear, feel and smell it - you did an excellent job of integrating the senses into this short snippet.

I loved this:
“Mommy, your flower popped.”...
“Could we blow up another one?
The ballon comparison was touching. (you're missing a closing quote after the question mark.)

Thank you for this touching snippet.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* he had gone with Daddy and purchased a tulip plant,
to me, the addition of the word 'plant' here made me think it was something potted, but the rest of the story indicated it was a cut flower in a vase. Maybe either remove plant here or replace it with flower.

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39
39
Review of Alone  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
You suck the reader in to the emotion of this piece with the first stanza - breaking out certain key words was a good way to add emphasis. The integration of the everyday helped add an extra level to this and make it even more real. The mail, the old coffee, and the very real actions of a cat who just knows there's someone in the house now.

The anguish in this stanza:
You are so lonely
so afraid
so alone
and yet you crave silence
quiet
peace
just five minutes
where you don't have to talk about
was gut wrenching. I could feel the pain, frustration and helplessness as I read this. I thought it was a very touching read.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
Nothing stood out to me as needing correcting.


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40
40
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I like the way you integrated the theme of "Geniune Friendship" throughout, I thought you did so seamlessly. The flow of this was smooth and I didn't see any break in the rythm.

I tried to pick a favorite stanza, but I enjoyed them all, each was needed to convey the complete message. The pictures included were a great finishing touch; they added a visual meaning to a well written tribute.


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41
41
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I really enjoyed the opening sentence to this story - I thought it was clever and set the tone for the entire piece. You did a great job of telling an entire story in so few words. I could feel Shannon's frustration when the payroll system crashed and she was responsible for sticking around until everything was up and running - I've so been there.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* The last paragraph to this was a good wrap-up, but consider breaking it into multiple sentences, especially with the time shift from the past to just the day before.

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42
42
Review of Of WDC and Drama  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
First of all, on the technical level I was impressed that you worked in all of the different categories and kept the consistent WDC acrostic pattern through every stanza. That you wove in a well articulated message with all of that makes this piece even better. I like the way you chose to highlight the benefits of the site on both the front and back side of the issue you were talking about. Overall this is a well-written piece that gets your point accross eloquently. Well done.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* But
When you voice your Opinion, I listen
Drama ensuing when Personal crimes are committed
Come rebuild your Relationship, for fear there's a Tragedy.
To me, with this stanza proceeded by a 'but', it made the three lines sound contradictory.



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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
43
43
Review of Above All Others  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This was a well written poem with a great message. I enjoyed the way you repeated the common theme of coming closer, without repeating the phrase itself too many times. This was my favorite part:
There is a love
above all others
I hold true.

Great job.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
I didn't see any issues with this piece.

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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
44
44
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I had a blast entering this contest last round, and I'm working on another entry for this round, and I realized I never rated the contest. Great job running this - the rules are clearly defined, the prompts are unique but not restricting, the word limit gives enough freedom to write a decent story and still keep it a brief read, and the prizes are generous. I'm sending a donation to help with this contest as well, because I'm hoping it will be around for many rounds to come *Smile*


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45
45
Review of To Be Pure Again  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I appreciated the straight-forward approach you took to expressing your feelings about the past - it helped add another layer of complexity to this piece, and made it very real and chilling.

I never thought I'd be stripped
of my dignity, but it happened.
I don't see dignity used often in instances like this, but found it to be very appropriate and telling. It conveyed so much about the impact of the two events.

Comparing this to losing dreams and childhood innocence made the meaning even stronger, especially with this repeated theme both at the begining and end of the piece. Thank you for sharing.


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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
46
46
Review of Old Hook Road  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
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The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice. Best of luck in the rampage!

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I've noticed a trend in your story telling and it's something that I haven't seen before and I think really works well for your tales. The introduction before the main story with a secondary brief story of what's come before and giving some background information. This is a good technique and you use it well.

but it was as if she didn’t see the oncoming truck that would change the color of the off-white guardrails to red.
Great line.

There's a lot of good foreshadowing in this piece with the pending doom. And you did a great job of building tension especially during the cars playing chicken.

The way this ends adds an extra level of chill to the entire tale. This was a very well written ghost story, and the first person point of view adds to that as well. Great job.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* At that point I could see, by my headlights, that is was a black Cadillac.
Change 'is' to 'was'


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47
47
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
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The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice. Best of luck in the rampage!

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
“Closer to your heart than I ever will be,” Elsa responded coldly.
Interesting line. Great way to trick the reader into thinking she may not be the gold digger everyone thinks she is.

This is a well told story that lays out the foreshadowing appropriately and gives good background on the characters without giving away too much too soon. I like the way you introduced the various layers of conflict, and thought the ending was very appropriate. Well done.


*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* and the myths often tend to become exaggerated through the years,
To me, a bit of this was redundant. Either remove 'often' or 'tend' since they imply the same thing.

*Bullet* and the pain he felt in his ears became excruciating
I think you can remove 'he felt' and still convey the same meaning.

*Bullet* Charlie instead stood marveling at the spirits beauty
Spirit's needs an apostrophe because it's possessive


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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
48
48
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
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The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice. Best of luck in the rampage!

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This was brief, but overwhelmingly touching. You write first person so well that it's difficult to tell which stories are 'true' and which are fiction. You fed in just enough character background here to give the reader an idea of what had come before, but not so much that it was weighed down. And the scene set-up was described wonderfully. I loved the way this ended, it was one of those that make the eyes glisten with happy tears.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* So, I was a bit shocked when I arrived home to the sight of a Valentine setting
This sentence was a bit awkward to me. Suggestion:
So, I was a bit shocked when I arrived home to find a Valentine setting


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"Fountain of Knowledge" 


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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
49
49
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
 Invalid Item 
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The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice. Best of luck in the rampage!

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is an interesting introspection. The very first sentence sets a contenplative tone for the piece and asks a question that I think many people have, but few manage to vocalize.

but then I wonder why the words come so easily for her.
I found this interesting because the thought I had from the paragraph before was 'at least mother bothered to take a good look before answering'. This is great character development here and adds even more to the tone of the story.

and she doesn’t grade in red so it’s not like someone bled all over your hard work.
You have a lot of great lines in here so I can't highlight them all, but I really loved the visual associated with this.

The way you worked the underlying doubt into this entire story is masterful. I could feel the paranoia growing and growing as the tale moved on, and I just had to keep reading to see what happened next. I wasn't sure how this was going to end, but I certainly didn't expect it when I saw it. I thought though that you build the tension and doubt in such a way that it was not only believable, but wrenching. This is an amazing story. Fantastic job.


*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* I don’t want to let on about my absurd thoughts,
The use of 'about' here was awkward to me. Maybe replacing it with 'to' would help.

*Bullet* No, no this is Tarron my bff forever
I don't know if teenagers say it this way or not, and if they do, then leave it as is. But to me, bff is already best friend forever, so bff forever is redundant.

*Bullet* I hear a knock on the door and rush in my bed.
'in' didn't seem right to me here. Either 'into' or 'to'


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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
50
50
Review of Why I Write  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: I'm offering this review as a fellow participant in:
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The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice. Best of luck in the rampage!

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
The tone you wrote this in made it easy to follow your thought process and understand where you were coming from. It was an enjoyabe piece and I appreciated this little snippet into the mind of another author.

I’m not a Shakespeare nor a Poe, nor do I aspire to be.
Everyone has a different list of writers that they draw from for basis of comparison, and I always find it interesting to see who people pick. I noticed yours are two of the most gifted, verbose poets in history.

When you spoke about the part of writing that excites you the most, I was intrigued. I could see the passion in your words for trying new things and seeing new spins on existing concepts.

This was a wonderful offering, and I thank you for sharing this piece of yourself with the rest of us.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
When it comes to this type of piece, a personal narration, I try not to focus on the technical aspects of the piece unless there are errors in spelling or grammar. Because of this, I found nothing in this piece that needed correction. It is, after all, who you are and as long as you were true to yourself, it stands on its own.


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