*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/acelette/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: OFF
787 Public Reviews Given
997 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 7 8 ... Next
101
101
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
like an intermittent sniff in a silent library
This is a great visual. You've got a lot of good imagary throughout this piece. Your description says you're working on incorporating all of the senses, and I think you've done a good job of that. I can feel the rain, hear the sounds of the harbor, see the various colors, and taste the cigarette.

One thing I noticed as well is that you intermixed your similies with different senses. For instance, each raindrop that landed on my scalp irritated a little more, like an intermittent sniff in a silent library is a great combination of touch and sound.

I like that though the narrator's thoughts were of a past event, you focused on the here and now instead, not dwelling on the specifics of what set them off. I think this was very effective for your story. However, I felt like for such a short piece, you almost spent too much time on the senses instead. I would have liked to see more internal reflection from the character used to stretch this piece out. That is, of course, just a personal preference. Great job overall though. I did enjoy reading this.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
Some of my suggestions are based on US slang. Since your story is not set in the US, please feel free to disregard all of them if they're not appropriate to your piece *Smile*

*Bullet*yesterday while my inners were contracting with anger and the slam of
change 'inners' to 'insides'


Want an upgrade? Willing to work for it? Visit "UPGRADE AIDE CONTEST"  and register today. Grand prize is a 6 month upgrade! Contest starts in June, so sign up today.


Got questions, or answers? Visit us and share your knowledge or pick people's brains. "Fountain of Knowledge" 

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
102
102
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I like the easy to read tone of this story. I find myself drawn to Wilbur Strode from the begining. The point where he reflects on talking to 'Backward Wilbur' made me laugh out loud.

It made him think of jumping in mud puddles and swimming in blood. He could not remember which he had done when he was young.
The story starts out kind of meandering. This, combined with the previous description of the kitchen, and the T-shirt he's wearing, begins to give it a hint of something darker. Very smooth transition into this. Well done. Especially the T-shirt - fantastic subtle foreshadowing.

This is a very well written, clean piece. You conveyed Wilbur's shattered mind becoming whole again, and the memories flooding back I could clearly picture both he and Malcon in my mind (and had to wonder if Malcon was a play on words for Malcontent).

I don't know if this is meant to be a one-off piece or if you're going to build more around it. It certainly stands on its own, but if you were to continue it, I'd love to see more about the snippets of past that were hinted at and possibly delve into both hazy and clear recollections of things that Wilbur has done. Fantastic job.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* He knew this not only from his now gray and thinning hair or the creak in his joints as he went about his day.
The 'not only' here implies that you're going to continue this thought in this sentence. I think you can remove it, as the next sentence stands without it.

*Bullet* He knew why his mind was darkened slowly over the years
Change 'was' to 'had'

Want an upgrade? Willing to work for it? Visit "UPGRADE AIDE CONTEST"  and register today. Grand prize is a 6 month upgrade! Contest starts in June, so sign up today.


Got questions, or answers? Visit us and share your knowledge or pick people's brains. "Fountain of Knowledge" 

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
103
103
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I'm getting ready to start querying agents, and one of the things that I had trauma over was how to structure my query and summary. I stumbled on this article and was so grateful for both the explanation of structure and both the good and bad examples. My piece will be longer fiction, so it won't be like what you've provided examples for, but you've explained the different aspects so well that I know I'll be able to make it work for me.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
104
104
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
The description of the condo is fantstic, I could definitely see it in my mind. Great detail in the midst of this tale. This has a great ending. You hinted at it with your earlier mention of the pixie's enemy, but still did a good job of hiding it in the midst of this tale. Great story, well done.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* This year I shall be winning pixie of darkness
Suggestion - if this is a title that she'll be winning, capitalize 'Pixie of Darkness'. If this is what she already is, put a 'the' in front of 'winning'



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
105
105
Review of The Dream  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I think you did a good job of carrying Carrie's fear and concern throughout the story, always leaving it underlying. and the shift at the end, when she realized it might be about to come true, was a great changeover. Good story.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* that came from her two youngest sons
Suggestion. Change 'that came' to 'coming'

*Bullet* The kids spent their time doing their individual chores and spending hours swimming in the creek.
The repeated variation on the word 'spend' here threw me off, but I apologize, I couldn't think of a suggestion to correct it.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
106
106
Review of Cramp Entries  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

This is part of your prize package for "Invalid Item" . Thanks for your support.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
Again, I think its very inventive that you've put all of your contest entries in one spot. I also like that each and every one of these is unique. It shows that you have a diversity in your writing, and can reach into many different aspects of story telling when you need to. That shows a great deal of skill as an author. My favorite was the story about Billy not wanting to take his bath. That made me smile a great deal *Smile*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
107
107
Review of Sister  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

This is part of your prize package for "Invalid Item" . Thanks for your support.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is a beautiful sentiment, and I think that you wrapped it up nicely at the end. Finishing the piece with the acrostic word in this case gave it a great deal of power, and made it that much more touching. Fantastic job.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
None what-so-ever. This is beautiful the way it is.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
108
108
Review of Knightress  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

This is part of your prize package for "Invalid Item" . Thanks for your support.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
You do a good job of outlining what the Duke's rooms look like, I can tell you have an image of them in your mind. Consider adding a few more adjectives here and there to help us see what you're seeing. For instance, instead of just exiting through the door behind his chair, maybe he exits through the gold inlaid heavy oak door behind his red upholstered chair.

I really like Karnaya reasons for not wanting to be a knightess. She sounds like a practical, likeable person.

Putting vocabulary at the end of the chapter is a great idea, especially in the case of words that are foreign to the reader. I'm glad that you not only added it, but put it somewhere that it didn't disrupt the flow of the story.

You have a good flow and writing voice. There is some clean-up and fleshing out needed in this piece, but I think that overall it has a great deal of potential. You've introduced the willful Karnaya, and given us a great glimpse into what she is like as a person. Your working in of this world is natural, it doesn't feel like you're trying to force us to be here, and that makes it easy to just slide right in. Great start, I hope you choose to continue this.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
Try and avoid 'weak' words in your description. Commit to your imagary *Smile* For instance
A somewhat buxom girl of about 15-years looked up from her book.
If she is buxom, remove 'somewhat', othwerwise look for a word that better describes what she is.

I saw some spelling and grammer errors in here. I believe a spell checker will catch most of both, so I will not nitpick on them *Smile*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
109
109
Review of An angel  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

This is part of your prize package for "Invalid Item" . Thanks for your support.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
The first thing to draw me to this was the prompt. I'm not a fan of poison ivy, but I adore stories with demons and angels. So I just had to see what you wrote about. I was not disappointed. I like the imagary of the angel entering the room, and the crowd trying to protect her from her evil and opposite. Fantastic job.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
A demon grew by them,
to me 'drew' would have made more sense here than 'grew'

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
110
110
Review of Oh my!!!!!  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

This is part of your prize package for "Invalid Item" . Thanks for your support.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
An intriguing prompt and I think you did a great job of wrapping a plot around it. I thought interesting that in the end, David would have stood by her side anyway, believing her sorry, but had the choice removed, so we don't get to find out if he would have still stood by her if she hadn't been sorry. I think this was a great way to leave this up in the air. I would love to see where this story goes if the contest it was for has ended.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
The television reporters face was joined by another beautiful face
Change reporters to reporter's

New technology has led to more clues and more leads have lead to more information on this very scary case.
You've repeated variations of 'led' a lot in this sentence and it slows the flow down. Suggestion:
New technology has uncovered more clues and leads involving information on this very scary case.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
111
111
Review of An Actress  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

This is part of your prize package for "Invalid Item" . Thanks for your support.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I thought the timing and flow of this piece was great. I like how you captured the life of an actress and summed it up so succinctly. Great job, fantastic poem!

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
My only complaint was the last line. I know this is meant to be a short poem, but I felt like it ended abruptly. The flow was good up until this point and the it felt cut off.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
112
112
Review of Treehouse Partay  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

This is part of your prize package for "Invalid Item" . Thanks for your support.


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is a very clever concept, integrating actual users into your story. I don't know if that was part of the prompt or something extra you threw in, but it worked really well *Smile* Thanks for creating this, it was a lot of fun to read.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
The party favor's included memberships and WDC Things.
Change favor's to favors



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
113
113
Review of My Resolve  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is a great, brief but to the point acrostic. I like that you took such a wide range of resolution makers into consideration, putting a realistic but fun spin on a wide-spread phenomenon.

This was my favorite part:
Solutions jumping from your mouth
Only to be forgotten soon

Great job!

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
Resolving to do everything
Everything needing to be done
The repeated word here threw me off a little and made me question meaning. If both 'everythings' refer to the same thing, consider dropping the first. If they are part of two separate sentences, consider changing the first to something simliar but not the same word

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
114
114
Review of Ch 4-6  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is your requested review, courtesy of "Invalid Item" . Thank you for stopping in! The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* Plot:
Interesting...I think I know who Emily's fiance is. Great job at weaving this plot

*Note6* Characters:
Okay, now I really want to know what David does for a living. It seems like he's home a lot, and if he has time to help with one of Marty's cases can he just drop everything? It will be interesting to see how things play out with Emily.

Overall, you've done a good job of breathing life into your characters. I have a good idea of who they are, and how they react to certain things. Great way to keep me interested in what happens to them moving forward.

*Note6* Grammar:
(I caught a lot of little spelling errors in this chapter, and that's the biggest reason for a lower rating this time around. This chapter didn't feel as polished to me as previous chapters.)
*Bullet* He hurriedly pick up a rag and rubbed out a ketchup stain on his shirt.
Change 'pick' to 'picked'

*Bullet* "Your soup burning."
Change 'soup' to 'soup's'

*Bullet* out because when I go back,
change 'go' to 'got'

*Bullet* You better leep your mouth shut
Change 'leep' to 'keep'

*Bullet* One time I walk in on him while he and
Change 'walk' to 'walked'

*Bullet* used tho beast coming to my door trying
Change 'tho' to 'to'

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is another action filled scene. You've dolled out more foreshadowing and introduced another layer of conflict.

"No, but I guessed the end to about two or three mystery novels before I finished them."
Heheheh, I love it.

Beside his size, the most striking part of his appearance was that every inch of his long white fur was done in dread locks.
Nice touch *Smile* I think dreadocks is all one word, but I'm not positive.

I hope you'll be writing more of this story soon. I look forward to seeing where Marty, David, and Anya's adventure takes them. Great job.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* Your first paragraph has content that could contain a lot of punch, but you've got a lot of extra/redudnat words. Suggestion to help draw the reader in right away:
Three nights after the bank robbery, David returned from the laundromat with a bag of still warm clothes. He could hear Marty, and a second voice, talking in the racoon's room. He tossed his bag into his own room, made himself comfortable on the couch, and turned on the TV. That was when the smell hit him like a freight train, and he sat straight up, nose twitching as he confirmed the heavenly scent.

*Bullet* "Ulm, this is my roommate David Wilkins. David, this is Emily Kita." Marty introduced.
Remove 'Marty introduced' - its not needed.

*Bullet* "Is there something I can help you with?"Marty asked showing a hint of annoyance in his tone.
Suggestion:
"Is there something I can help you with?" Annoyance shoed in Marty's tone.

*Bullet* "Sorry about that, I put something on for dinner and must have forgotten about it." Marty apologized to Emily.
Maybe consider having Emily question this statement, since the burning soup smell would have premiated the apartment. Or have Marty relieved that she's too greif stricken to question it.

*Bullet* She said she hadn't seen him ever since yesterday afternoon but she wouldn't say much to me because she didn't like me too much. But she's a teenager and you know how they are.
Remove 'ever'. And unless the comment about knowing how teenagers are is meant to show Emily's character, remove it as well, its not needed here.

*Bullet* I have tried calling his cell phone countless time, but it had been turned off
This was a little akward to me. Suggestion:
I tried calling his cell phone countless times, but it always goes straight to voice mail.

*Bullet* Smell stamps were about the most important source of identification in Geltempo. Smell stamps were small stamp sized scratch and sniff sticker containing the beast's own individual scent.
I don't know if you need this piece of information. I think the reader will be able to infer it from the surrounding sentences.

*Bullet* Marty had swiftly drawn his weapon and had it pointed at the cat's head.
Remove 'swiftly'. I think its implied.


Got questions, or answers? Visit us and share your knowledge or pick people's brains. "Fountain of Knowledge" 


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
115
115
Review of Chapter 1-3  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is your requested review, courtesy of "Invalid Item" . Thank you for stopping in! The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* Scene/Setting:
I like your description of Geltempo City, with the multiple vertical levels, this makes a lot of sense for a city occupied by animals, and is very clever. One thing you may want to consider: If you can, see about removing this block of description from the very begining of your story, and weaving it into the tale itself. For instance, maybe as David is moving through these various levels, he can observe the different types of creatures dwelling there.

*Note6* Characters:
I like your descriptions of both David and Marty, and with Marty especially your description implies so much about his character. Great job.

The way you introduced Ernie the horned lizard is fantastic. You have a perfect balance of showing personality and smoothly working in physical description. This character is going to stand out in people's minds. His contempt for things with fur shines through again and again - great job keeping him in character.

and begun to give himself a cat bath when a knock sounded at his door.
This is such a fantastic detail. It shows us that even though these creatures live in their own city, they're still very much the animals we know and love.

"So what? This is what it'll be looking like if I start living here."
good point - and great way to show us a little more about his personality.

*Note6* Grammar:
I saw a couple of mispellings, pointed out below, but for the most part, this is a clean piece.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is a good introductory paragraph to a story. You allow us to meet the characters and introduce some conflict both between Marty and David, and in each of their individual lives. This hints at things to come. We're not quite sure yet what David does for a living, but Marty appears to be a detective of some sort. I like though that you never came out and said that - you showed us instead. Very well done. The last sentence of this chapter was the perfect finishing touch - it was laced with humor and the preceeding action makes us want to read more to find out what's going on.

This is a compelling opener, and with a little clean up will be a fantastic chapter.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
(I will try not to point out specific repeat offenders in this chapter or later ones, you should be able to fix them in editing)
*Bullet* The story begins in the humble dwelling of David Wilkins the cat, who lived on the sixth floor of an apartment building which was set in the very heart of the booming metropolis Geltempo City. David back was black and grey striped coat.
There are a couple of things here. You only have about 100 words to grab a reader's attention. A long first sentence is a stumbling block towards this goal. Also, I saw some missing punctuation in the above. Suggestion:
The story begins in the humble dwelling of David Wilkins the cat. David lived on the sixth floor of an apartment building set in the heart of the booming metropolis, Geltempo City. David's back was black and grey striped coat.

*Bullet* between his eyes. Geltempo City was divided into three
Whever you start talking about a new subject, or a new character speaks, start a new paragraph. For instance, here, you were describing David, and now you're describing the city. Start a new paragraph after 'eyes.'

*Bullet* throughout Upper-Level for those who were to tired
Change 'to' to 'too'

*Bullet* Realizing that he couldn't afford to be just scraping by on the every month, he put an ad in the newspaper for a roommate.
Because this is a flashback of sorts, consider adding 'had' to let the reader know it is not taking place 'now'. Suggestion:
Realizing he couldn't afford to be just scraping by every month, he had put an ad in the newspaper for a roommate.

*Bullet* "David Wilkins" David answered accepting it.
If a character is performing an action, and your dialogue tag does not hint at their tone of voice or speach, it's not always needed. Suggestion:
"David Wilkins." He accepted it.

*Bullet* apartment. He decided to accept the offer and move in.
New thought, new paragraph after apartment. Also, because David was the last person referred to by name, it sounds like David decided to accept the offer. Consider changing the 'He' to 'Marty'

*Bullet* Sometimes he came back as late as after midnight.
I think you can delete 'as late as' and still convey the same meaning.

*Bullet* I have some good news and no so good news for you
change 'no' to 'not'

*Bullet* Suddenly Marty lunged forward and grabbed the claw that was clutching the gun
Remove 'that was' to make this active instead of passive.

*Bullet* coffee table, which now laid in ruins. It was a birthday
change 'laid' to 'lay' and 'was' to 'had been'

Got questions, or answers? Visit us and share your knowledge or pick people's brains. "Fountain of Knowledge" 


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
116
116
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note5* My Personal Opinion:
leaned down every few paces to run his manicured fingertips
this is a fantastic, subtle hint about this man's background.

This starts off at a deceptively meandering pace, I like it. What's implied about the man's schedule is taken in a very different direction. The one-sided conversation with the fly was a great addition to this.

While this isn't quite a story with a 'twist' I still think you played the part of the magician in telling this story. Getting us to watch one hand while the other set up the final act. Well written, great piece.


*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* He gave a practiced swat at his new companion with his wide-brimmed Akubra
Consider moving 'with his wide-brimmed...' to the begining of this sentence.

*Bullet* and mopped up accumulated sweat along his brow with a handkerchief
suggestion: Replace 'up' with 'the' and 'along' with 'from' and breaking this entire sentance (quoted and surrounding bits) into two or more.

*Bullet* The German car jostled the pair as Jen drove over a small pothole. The beat-up car stalled. Jennifer murmured a curse and sighed as if this was a normal occurrence. Lee noticed Jennifer raise a quizzical eyebrow as she looked down at his hand. "Business must be good."
Consider replacing some instances of her name here with pronouns. She's the only she we've been introduced to so far, so we'll know who it is.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note5* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note5*
117
117
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This folder has a great title, entertaining brief description (flash back to Venture Brothers "Are those large shorts or tiny pants?" Sorry, obscure reference, I'll move on now *Smile* ), and great selection. Having been through it all, I'm making a note to check back for when new snippets and selections are added.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
118
118
Review of Morning Coffee  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
more noticeable in comparison to my own morning sloth.
Great line. Good way to show the character's own apeparance and mood through their observation of others.

I really enjoy the third party observation an only partially heard, but mostly witnessed conversation. The thoughts about the range of emotions, the running commentary that is our only link to this mystersious couple, and the observer's ongoing appreciation for this woman's form *Smile*

I like the conclusion to this, and I felt like you did a good job of working up to this throughout the piece. The man's unexplainable interest with this couple, his feeling of everything they felt. I thought this was a very enjoyable read.


*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* My college team was starting their spring football practice
I think since you say 'football season' later in this sentence, you can remove 'football' here.

*Bullet* She still hasn't taken her eyes off of him. She is truly a charmer. What could I ever say that would get her to look at me that way? She is now telling him something about someone they both know.
You switched tenses here and I wasn't sure if it was internal dialogue or not. If it is, consider putting it in italics or single quotes to set it apart. Othwerise change it to past tense. I'm see other instances of tense change as well throughout.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
119
119
Review of Please Choose Me  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I enjoyed seeing the hope of this small boy, and observing the world through his eyes. Lines like the following really give us a sense of who Jeremy is. Jeremy figured if she could match her shoes to her shirt, she must be able to afford a small boy.

I appreciated that you took a less gritty approach to this orphenage: He knew the orphanage tried to make the boys feel at home, but it wasn't the same as living with a real family, instead of conveying it as a horrid place where the children are kept in squalor so the propreitor can collect a monthly check.

I smiled at Jeremy bursting into the office to make sure this potential mother knew the important things about him, and I like that even you though left it open ended, you implied happy things to come. This was a great story, well done.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* He sat with his forehead pressed against the stair rails.
Suggestion (To avoid the repeated action of sitting)
He pressed his forehead against the stair rails.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
120
120
Review of For I love  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is such a touching piece. You vividly convey the contrasting emotions of greif and hope, blending from one to the next without pause. There is some great imagary in here, although my favorite was:
For I love how the dawn turns the bland sand
into crystals of light, tinged in hyacinth hues.

Very well written. Thanks for sharing!



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
121
121
Review of Wicked Thoughts  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I love your opening sentence. Talk about setting a feeling right off.

The metaphor you use in this is fantastic. Lines like ...sharp-eyed midget at a miniskirt convention, and ...exposing us all to her Holy Mysteries, add an extra dimension of humor to this story. Probably my favorite one though was the recurring reference to the parakeet. I have so been there done that, so I appreciated it.

I think you captured the noir feeling in this, and at the same time integrated realistic technology terminology (say that five times fast). The innuendo rang through, and the humor was strong in this.

Fantastic story *Smile*

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
The only thing that stood out to me was the use of 'wiki'. I understanding the meaning behind it, but it appears a lot, and became distracting towards the end.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
122
122
Review of Tales of Elspeth  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I love how you start this story out with high action. The intensity sucks the reader in immediately, and the faced-paced, well written narration keeps them there. I also appreciate that instead of taking away from the story with extranious description, you weave little details in, and trust the intelligence of the reader to interpret the rest. I like the characterization you've put into Elspeth, as well as everyone else.

You end this with a great hook as well. It's a very interseting story so far and I look forward to reading more *Smile*

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* when you've got dialogue spoken by different characters, break up each new character's line with a new paragraph. For instance:
"But my family, my friends" Seth stuttered. "Don't worry about them for the moment. Elspeth will explain everything," replied the stranger. "I'm Zander".
Suggestion:
"But my family, my friends" Seth stuttered.

"Don't worry about them for the moment. Elspeth will explain everything," replied the stranger. "I'm Zander".


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
123
123
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your wonderful donation to "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
First of all, congratulations on coming in at exactly 1,000 words. I like the underlying theme here of wanting something more exciting. The image though, of a line of knights just waiting their turn in front of this cave to be broiled, I couldn't help but laugh at that. I knew something was going to be up with this cheaper armor, and your description of how it all 'crumbled' at once was great. I expected a more comedic ending, but I was still pleased with the way you chose to sum this one up. Great story.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* But me made it through, and finally
Change 'me' to 'he'

Got questions, or answers? Visit us and share your knowledge or pick people's brain's. "Fountain of Knowledge" 


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
124
124
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your wonderful donation to "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I wasn't sure what to expect when I started reading this. The title implied something vindictive, or revenge laden, and it started out on a tenative note. Then I started to smile, and then chuckle, and then laugh out loud. It's unkind, I know, to find amusement in pain. The discomfort you painted with your main character, the growing embarassment and everything else. And the thing is, most of this accidents could have happened to anyone, they weren't necessarily his fault. Great piece, it brought a smile to my day.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
Honestly, I was too amused by this to notice anything. Quite a feat *Smile*

Got questions, or answers? Visit us and share your knowledge or pick people's brain's. "Fountain of Knowledge" 


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
125
125
Review of Orange  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your wonderful donation to "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
When I started reading this, I smiled at the thought of someone who would trade it all to wear all orange. It reminded me a great deal of my younger brother who dresses all in black whenever humanly possible, and heading down that tangent, I almost expected that would be what you were implying. But no, it's never that simple. In so few words, you take us from implying that this is a choice, to showing reluctance with the wardrobe, to the final clincher sentence. It brought a smile to my face, it came out of nowhere. Very well done.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* and replacing it with the orange that now dominated his current attire choices
I think you can remove 'choices' and keep the same meaning.

Got questions, or answers? Visit us and share your knowledge or pick people's brain's. "Fountain of Knowledge" 


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
184 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 8 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/acelette/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5