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The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice. Best of luck in the rampage!
My Personal Opinion: The unclouded sun blazed and heat waves shimmered up from the strip center’s top surface.
This is a fantastic visual
I like the tone at the begining of this piece, Jose is a wonderful character. I thought you did such a great job of conveying his appreciation for things that so many of us take for grantide. And then you slid into his climbing despair so subtly, it was a natural shift that worked well and really maintained the pace of this story.
I thought the way you ended this was appropriate - there was so much underlying meaning in this piece and it was by far my favorite of the three. You do a fantastic job of writing an emotional drama. Well done.
I have very few specific suggestions: The hours passed swiftly and almost before Jose noticed the sun was sinking toward the horizon.
Comma after noticed
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The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice. Best of luck in the rampage!
My Personal Opinion:
I thought the description in this piece was wonderful. Right from the start I could picture the scenery almost as if I was there.
The rest of my surroundings disappeared as I watched where the long blades of shuddering grass tracked the creature’s whereabouts.
This is a great line.
You do a fantastic job here of building tension throughout the piece and keeping the reader guessing every step of they way. I felt sucked into this compelling adventure, and couldn't stop reading. Very interesting approach to the shapeshifter concept, and I thought you wrapped everything up well in the end. Great job.
I have very few specific suggestions: At least I’ll find out what they think of this whole shape shifter idea and whether or not they think the old lady’s crazy.
The switch here to present tense was odd to me. I wasn't sure if it was meant to be internal dialogue or something else.
The lady inside,” I said, tilting my head toward the store, “said that some people have come up missing things.”
I saw a few instances of this, but not many. When you have a character who's performing an action and speaking, many times you can drop the dialogue tag and still convey the same meaning. Suggestion: The lady inside.” I tilted my head toward the store, “said that some people have come up missing things.”
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My Personal Opinion:
This was a good story with a lot of drama, conflict, and high paced action. You write cleanly, and I didn't spot any gramatical or spelling errors. I enjoyed the tale of betrayal that you wove, and (sorry to say it again) to me the biggest issue was the detail behind some of the actions. I think with corrections to those issues, this compelling tale will shine.
I have very few specific suggestions: “There he is!” Alberto yelled, pointing at the silver Lexus three lanes over on the crowded beltway.
Because you have the ! at the end of the dialogue, I think you can remove the dialogue tag here and give this sentence even more impact: “There he is!” Alberto pointed at the silver Lexus three lanes over on the crowded beltway.
I think the biggest issue I had with this story was the technical accuracy surrounding the shooting. Hitting a moving car from a moving car is hard enough, but to accurately make the bullet go through angled glass is almost impossible and skill has very little to do with it. The bullet probably would have hit the glass and bounce off 99 times out of 100 or more. I apologize because I know that's a lot of the foundation of this story, but to me it reduces suspension of disbelief.
The doc said it was a hollow-point bullet so it did quite a bit of damage
A hollow point almost definitely wouldn't have gone through the glass, and its likely the doctor wouldn't have been able to tell this because the round would have been deformed.
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The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice. Best of luck in the rampage!
My Personal Opinion:
I like the way you set the scene in this piece - laying out a casual environment and then working in hinting menace of rain.
Finally, it dawned on me that it wasn't me thinking it was going to rain because I had already checked out the situation outside.
I thought this was a fantastic line and a great way to show the reader what was going on without having to explain it.
The conclusion to this is touching and uplifting, great job on this spiritual piece.
I have very few specific suggestions: I was planning on taking the cake to my mothers house, to surprise my sister when she came home from work.
I had just a couple of small rewording suggestions on this: I planned on taking the cake to my mothers house to surprise my sister when she came home from work.
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The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice. Best of luck in the rampage!
My Personal Opinion:
I thought the destinction between characters was much stronger in this piece than in the previous all dialogue story. Their personalities really showed through in their words.
Wow...this floored me. It was compelling, overwhelming, and the emotion came through so clearly. This is the most moving works I've read in a long time, and I appreciate that you chose to end it the way you did, allowing despair to win out in the end and not falsely inflated hope. Amazing work.
I have very few specific suggestions:
None at all.
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The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice. Best of luck in the rampage!
My Personal Opinion:
I really enjoyed the way you conveyed each new persona of Alison's as she shifted from one curiosity to the next. I thought you did a great job of delving into each new character she played.
The foreshadowing and subtle hints that you used with Alison tracing the patterns on the box was great. I wasn't sure what was up until the end, but it did give me the feeling of something mysterious and 'otherworldy'. Great job with that hint. I didn't expect...well...I won't give it away for anyone who wants to read it, but I didn't expect it This was a very well written piece with a great twist at the end.
I have very few specific suggestions: Her attention was once again drawn to the odd box stuck precariously between the rocks like a small boat doomed to wait for the fickle tide to rise again and set it free.
First of all, I really liked this line with the comparison to a boat - great imagary. The begining of this sentence though, that her attention was drawn to the box once again, seemed a little odd to me since you made point in the first paragraph that the box hadn't been worth her time before. Maybe changing it to say that now that she wasn't flying, she had time to focus her attention on the box - or something like that.
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My Personal Opinion:
Okay, I can't say much without giving away this very brief story, but I will say that your description of the scene had the desired impact. You invoked strong imagary and emotion with your one brief paragraph, and then...well...no spoilers.
I have very few specific suggestions:
I'm guessing that you had a word limit on this - 55 or so maybe? So I won't make suggestions to throw that off. I didn't see any spelling or grammar issues.
Check it out!
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My Personal Opinion:
I keep seeing this show up in the reviewer links, and the brief description always calls to me. Curiosity won out this evening and I decided to take a look - I wasn't disappointed. This was an amusing piece that had me laughing every step of the way. I'm pretty much an internet dating veretan (I've been doing it off and on for 13 years now), and the set-up for this just hit home.
I love the way you kept referencing to Nate - similar a running gag in a classic comedy, and the descriptions of Mark and Edi were just so real, I could picture both people. From all of the build-up, the ending caught me completely off-guard and I lveod that. Great job.
I have very few specific suggestions: Mark thought she was being sarcastic, and vice versa
It should be visa-versa
Usually, a detective of calm demeanor he was thrown momentarily.
Move the comma to after demeanor
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My Personal Opinion:
I very much enjoyed the way this started out. You set up enough of the scenery to place me in the story, and I could feel the grief of the narrator from the start.
“Beth.”
Startled by the sound of his own anguished voice breaking the pervading silence, his eyes popped open, and he stared out over the hazy mountainsides.
I thought this was a great way to convey emotion.
I like the way you told this through a combination of lyrics and memories of the past. It conveyed misguided intent and things realized too late to be corrected. this was a great story.
I have very few specific suggestions:
Nothing stood out to me as needing correction.
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My Personal Opinion:
This is a wonderful, straightforward poem that tells of the wonder and majesty of God. I think you painted a beautiful picture with your words and conveyed your meaning well. With a little technical clean-up, this will become a stunning tribute to Him.
I have very few specific suggestions:
Remember for the most part (although not always), when a word is possessive - you're showing that the noun owns something, you need an apostrophe before the s. I pointed out some instances below, but saw others in this piece
Through An Angels Eyes
Add an apostrophe to Angel's to make it possessive.
as we behold the masters face
Change masters to master's. Also, consider capitlizing Master's because it refers to Him.
to those who are weary eternities near.
Change eternities to eternity's because it's not plural, it's a conjunction of eternity is
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Thank you for bidding in "Invalid Item" . This is review 5 of 5 from your prize.
My Personal Opinion:
This is such a great informational piece. I could tell that you did your research to bring us this information and being able to learn about this wonderful woman in history. Thank you for sharing all of this information with us in such a straightforward manner. It was educational and easy to read. Well done!
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My Personal Opinion:
This was a wonderful, educational piece about some great writers from history. I was glad that you touched on so many aspects of who the Brothers Grimm and not just the Disney versions of their stories that we're familiar with today. Giving history on the harsh reality on some of their stories, and the lives they lead, and why they did the things they did. I appreciate you sharing this information and thought the wrap-up at the end was appropriate. Great job.
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My Personal Opinion:
I loved the sweet, innocent feeling that lingered with this story right from the very start
"I will see Daddy. He will be home today. I wished upon a star. You will see Mommy."
This was such a great, optimistic line. It made me smile.
This is such a touching story, with the girl's hopes and the mother not wanting to see her let down. The ending was heart warming and sweet. Great job.
I have very few specific suggestions: She was going to be six years.
I think either remove 'years' or add 'old' after it.
She hopes the presents would comfort Macy
Change 'hopes' to 'hoped'
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My Personal Opinion:
I like the first person, story telling form of narrative that you used for this. It starts off with a warm, inviting feeling and just sucks the reader right in. Your description of why you love the snow really hit home for me - I feel a lot the same way and I think you did a good job of conveying your feelings behind it.
Of course, some of that time was used to make the coolest snow fort ever. It fit three boys quite easily. We each had a place for a soda (ice cold, of course), a small quantity of perfectly formed snowballs, and a built-in seat.
This is such a fantastic visual.
This was an overall great read. The memories that you lay out are easy to relate to and your description gives them a warm, cozy, comforting feeling. The writing voice in this seemed different from your other work, more casual. I think that worked well for this story. Great job!
I have very few specific suggestions:
I started to review this once before, and I know I had notes on changes, but I had to walk away and work, and lost my suggestions. I can't see anything that stands out now though, so they must have either been whims of fancy, or you've fixed them already.
My suggestion is not based on gramatical or spelling or technical errors. Since this is a pt. 1 I'm not sure if you're going for a book or just a longer story. If you're going the book/novel route, I'd like to see some of the memories in here played out in longer scenes. Maybe make each memory its own separate scene and stretch it out.
However, if this is a piece of a shorter work, leave it like it is
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The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice. Best of luck in the rampage!
My Personal Opinion:
I didn't realize how much of your work I've read already - you've got a quality to your writing that makes it easy to just pick up one piece after another. The title of this just begged for me to take a look - unfettered thoughts are always intriguing. When I saw the opening question, I knew I had made the right choice - this was a train of thought I had to see the conclusion to...if there was one.
So many people take statements like this for grantide, never stopping to ask the why's or the how's like you have. Almost like the Emporer and his new clothes, no one wants to be the one to point out the obvious, for fear of societal backlash. I think you asked a very valid series of questions, and the way you ended everything was perfect. Very appropriate piece.
I have very few specific suggestions:
None, what-so-ever. Perfect the way it is.
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My Personal Opinion:
I really like the way this starts out, with the steady stream of dialogue. The little coughs and sighs intermixed add an extra dimension to the opening and I could really feel the speaker's grief.
Donna's long graceful limbs seemed to flow across a balance beam like satin sheets blowing in the breeze on a clothesline on a warm Spring day.
Beautiful description
Jamey, wishing to help, quietly pulled every flower from the ground, placed them carefully in his wagon, and presented them to Phyllis.
What a wonderfully sweet memory.
I can tell from your writing that you have vivid pictures in your mind when you tell your stories. You paint scenes and characters wonderfully and poetically without detracting from the main narration.
The end of this story brought tears to my eyes, it was a beautiful way to finish this tale. I the gift of a dream in the midst of reliving a nightmare, helping Donna to move on with her life. Fantastic story, very well done.
I have very few specific suggestions: putting so many men and women in harm's way for the sake of a culture that doesn't want our help in the first place.
Change 'doesn't' to 'didn't'
Donna hated the cocky attitude the boys displayed toward girls,
This is technically accurate, but it seemed stiff and awkward to me. Suggestion: Donna hated their cocky attitude toward girls,
In the portions of the story that just talk about Jason and Donna, consider intermixing more pronouns in place of their names to help the eye flow more easily through the words.
In the warmth of the fire surrounded by festive decorations,
Comma after fire
Jamey didn't understand why daddy wasn't coming home to see him. And all Donna's attempts to explain to a toddler fell on confused ears.
I think you can make this once sentence.
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My Personal Opinion:
This was a light, enjoyable read. Your descriptions made it easy to see the setting, and the glimpses of Octavia's normal thoughts amidst a certain level of insanity really added an extra level to the story. The contrast between the two charcters made me laugh, and I thought this was all well written. Great job!
Did this follow the spirit of the contest?:
I really enjoyed your taking on rescuing a 'damsel in distress'. I have to admit, I don't think I've ever seen it played out that way before. I also liked how you made your knight very cliche, and your maiden exactly the opposite.
I have very few specific suggestions:
This is clean and well written, the only suggestion I have is for the very last paragraph. With the prince grabbing her arm, I had hoped you were going to imply that this confrontation would continue even after the story, but with Octavia decking him, you put a definite end to the story. I'd suggest (just my opinion) to do one or the other, have him grab her and imply that things aren't ending, or have her deck him and then get off the horse.
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My Personal Opinion:
This was an easy to read piece, and you did a great job of doling out the information about her sin just a piece at a time. I liked the priests reaction to each new snippet of detail, and when I read the final line, I just laughed. It was the perfectly delivered punch line and I never saw it coming. Great job!
I have very few specific suggestions:
A couple of things stood out to me and detracted from this great piece. The repeated use of 'confession' and of 'Jackie'.
When you have only one character in a scene, or only one character of a specific gender, it can help story flow to replace instances of their name with pronouns. try replacing most occurances of 'Jackie' in here with 'She' and 'her' and I think it will help things more more smoothly.
And I know 'confession' is part of the prompt, but see if you can find other words to substitute for some uses of this, or combine sentences to help cut down on its occurance.
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Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice
My Personal Opinion:
This was a breif and enjoyable story. Having a history like this associated with a family recipe just adds something special to it. I laughed when you talked about the four seasons in Upstate New York, and thought you did a fantastic, realistic job of describing the family's lack of concern with something typical for them like snow - those of us in snowy states know that this is all too true.
This was a well written, enjoyable read, and as soon as construction season is over here, and its cool enough to use the over again, I'm going to have to give this recipe a try
I have very few specific suggestions: The snow was falling relentlessly -- and harder now.
This sentence seemed akward to me. Suggestion: The relentless snow was falling even harder now.
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Congratulations on winning "Invalid Item" . This is review 10 of 10 from your prize.
My Personal Opinion:
This was a great blend of humor and sadness. I love the solutions that mom came up with to keep her son at home, mixing with reality and memories. The message of letting go and moving on, combined with the sorrow at having to leave the past as only memories was conveyed well here and this was a good piece to finish up my little jaunt through your port with. Poetry is such a personal form of writing - with different rules, or no rules, depending on the piece, in the end it all comes down to how well the poet puts their feelings on paper, and you do so very well. I've enjoyed each and every piece of your poetry.
I have very few specific suggestions: My mind races back eighteen years before,
the first time that I would hold you.
Suggestion: My mind races back eighteen years,
to the very first time I held you you.
I got it, I'll ground him forever,
Change I to I've
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Congratulations on winning "Invalid Item" . This is review 9 of 10 from your prize.
My Personal Opinion:
When this started out, my first impression was "sounds like a lot of prayers I've said". You did a great job of drawing on that bit of reality. I think the questions asked here were valid and I'm sure many prayers like this are whispered around the world. Your final stanza just drove the meaning home though - that one, unanswerable question that's so hard to just accept
"There's a reason for everything" when it actually happens to you.
I have very few specific suggestions:
I didn't have any suggestions for this piece. Great job.
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Congratulations on winning "Invalid Item" . This is review 5 of 10 from your prize.
My Personal Opinion:
Once again, you explore a huge range of emotions that comes with an event like this. One thing that I'm really enjoying in your work is that you don't focus on a single thought - you give us the full spectrum of what's being felt, and I think that brings an extra dimension to your poetry and really breaths life into it.
I know the answer but it doesn't help,
Let my faith in God prevail
Though I enjoyed all that you had to say here, this line really stood out to me. It's true that knowing the solution doesn't always make it any easier to fix things.
Great job!
I have very few specific suggestions: I have searched for her all over
The places she used to be.
She was fun and happy and full of life
This person I look for is me.
This stanza threw me off. I think you're saying that you're looking for those happy parts of yourself that she inspired, but it took reading it a couple of times to find that meaning. Maybe changing the last line would help.
{e:bullet] It seems everything that I once was
Try swapping 'everything' and 'that' to help the flow here.
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Congratulations on winning "Invalid Item" . This is review 2 of 10 from your prize.
My Personal Opinion:
One thing I already see in your work is that you convey a great level of emotion with your words. This particular poem hit home for me because I had something similar happen with my ex-husband. I thought it was amazing the way you switched from the awe at the beauty of the letter to the hurt at discovering it was meant for someone else. Well done!
I have very few specific suggestions:
The last stanza in this threw me off a little, it seemed abrupt. I understand the first two lines on their own, and the last two, but when combined, it makes it sound like not being able to deny the contents of the note is the reason the marriage continues. If that makes sense.
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Congratulations on winning "Invalid Item" . This is review 1 of 10 from your prize.
My Personal Opinion:
I really like the approach you took to writing this. I'm guessing from the description that it is biographical, and if so this must have been very difficult to write. The thing that stood out to me the most was not the examination of each wrong, but the way in which you did it. Applying a unique combination of objective reasoning and emotional attachment while looking back over the past. The end conclusion was bittersweet - an aknowlegement that the reasons for staying don't make sense, and the addmittance that it will take just a little more strength to put that thought into action. This is very well written and I think it conveys you message clearly.
I have very few specific suggestions: Or the vow that we made that day?
I think if you remove the first 'that' this sentence will flow better: Or the vow we made that day?
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My Personal Opinion:
The title and description of this drew me in, especially with 'comedy' being one of the genres. I just had to see what this was all about.
Of course, this being Missouri, there is always some place you can't get to from here. Thus, nothing is available to me on the fourth point of the compass.
Great line
I lived in a large east coast town for a while as well, and your narrator's description of the traffic is exactly the reason I left. Great job making this individual relatable.
Hell, maybe I won't even show up for my funeral.
Lol!
I'm going to assume from your note that this is non-fiction, but even if its not, you've conveyed some fantastic, very reasonable views. This was an enjoyable read. Great job.
I have very few specific suggestions: One, I don't like shopping. I consider shopping a necessary evil.
Consider making this one line to help keep the thought together and eliminate the repeated word: One, I don't like shopping; I consider it a necessary evil.
Clothes are bought only when the ones I currently have finally fall apart.
I am not an adverb harpy, but these stood out to me, I think you can remove at least two of them without loosing meaning: Clothes are bought only when the ones I have fall apart.
Does anyone drives as well as me?
Change 'drives' to 'drive'. And as a side note, I loved this line and the surrouding logic.
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Let Your Muse Shine Through
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I have very few specific suggestions:
The hours passed swiftly and almost before Jose noticed the sun was sinking toward the horizon.
Let Your Muse Shine Through 
This was a very well written piece with a great twist at the end.