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126
126
Review of Behind Hazel Eyes  
for entry "Unwelcome Surprises" 
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your wonderful donation to "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* Characters:
The sexual tension and attraction between these characters is building nicely. It's becoming tangible, and I appreciate the pace you're laying down to build the anticipation.

And poor Aurora, not even a day in this new place and she's already starting to see the flaws in her plan.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
but a quick look at his hands
This is a fantastic touch. It's such a 'girl' thing to do, checking for a ring.

I'm definitely not seeing Aurora being as introspective as Adam. She's so quick to escape to dreams. I think its natural that she falls back on what she knows though - you're doing a good job of showing how out of her element she is in this world. Seeing the sights and smells through her inexperienced eyes makes it easier for me to picture this place that I've never seen either, although it all comes with her perspective, of course.

So now the question I'm asking myself is what will throw these two together, and will it be hot, passionate, and happily ever after, or will it be one of those things that just doesn't work out because they're both too stubborn? It ought to be fun finding out *Bigsmile*

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* Eden asked, sipping some pina colada from an oversized pink
Remove 'some'

*Bullet* helping her settle in; she obeyed without a fight and stepped
Change the ; to a ,

*Bullet* and as Aurora took a second look at her new abode for the next three months,
I don't know if this needs to be changed or not, but just an observation for continuity. I don't think she and Adam have discussed yet that he's found her a spare room, and all Seki said (I think) was that his friend would help her out. So at this point, I don't know if she knows yet that this is home.



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127
127
Review of Behind Hazel Eyes  
for entry " Mystery Girl" 
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your wonderful donation to "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* Characters:
There are more hints here about Adam's past. A love gone bad is mentioned, but with few details. It will be interesting to see what kind of conflict this causes with Aurora. His physical attraction to Aurora comes through loud and clear, and the thing I think is intereseting about this, and very 'male' is that he's already associating physical attraction with romance. Good job.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I'm back for more, and looking forward to seeing what comes next *Smile*

I found it interesting that Adam was feeling listless in spite of the fact that he was having a less than idea day. I definitely would have expected that to add to the feeling.

Seki spent a good deal of time describing the girl Adam was supposed to meet, and this was a good way to show he truly was smitten with her. In a situation like this, 'American and taller than everyone else' might have sufficed had he felt differently about her.

reluctantly admiring the sway of her hips and her rather nice ass(ets)
Hehehe

I liked seeing just Adam's POV in this chapter. I felt like it made him more real and helped me get more inside his head. He's defintely starting to come off as the more contenplative type where Aurora is more rash and impulsive. Watching this lust/hate relationship play out will be a lot of fun.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* The police was bound to show up any minute now
Change was to were

*Bullet* He eyed the make of the suitcase and held back a whistle.
Change suitcase to suitcases


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128
128
Review of Behind Hazel Eyes  
for entry " New Beginnings" 
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your wonderful donation to "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* Scene/Setting:
She could feel him stiffen within her arms and she backed away quickly,
Great, subtle detail about cultural diferrences.

*Note6* Characters:
Eden is enteratining - great job of conveying through her actions and dialogue what a spoiled brat she is. I love it *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I'm really enjoying that you let us into all of your characters heads within each scene. Seeing just a breif glimpse of each's thoughts really helps me appreciate each of them. Especially at the very end of this chapter where it's ally Aurora, and then, the last sentence is Adam. Nice way to end things for now.

*Bullet* "Oh my God! Couldn't they even translate it?!"
This is awesome, and it answers a question I had earlier. She's gone to Japan to teach English and isn't fluid in Japanese.

There are so many tiny details here, things that the reader will see, integrate and tuck away, but that don't glare out to be remembered. This helps the whole story flow well. I didn't even look to see how long it had been since you edited it, but I'm glad that didn't stop me. I'm really enjoying this story.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* The only girl to the St. Claire's,
This was akward to me. Maybe change 'girl to' to 'daughter of'

*Bullet* masseuse, Andre - and Aurora's clear
For consistency, either make both pieces punctionation comma's or dashes.

*Bullet* A 'common' plane! Isn't that great?!"
This references back to something from chapter 1 - where her father asks her if she's flying first class. Maybe have him ask her instead if she's flying private jet (or something) for consistency here.

*Bullet* "No, you don't understand...hold on..." Eden tapped her manicured fingernails
Start a new paragraph after the dialogue, because with Eden's actions immediately after, right now it looks like she said this line.

*Bullet* She hung up while Eden still held on, listening to the melancholy sound of the dial tone.
This is a good visual, but most cell phones don't have dial tones. Maybe instead, the meloncholy silence of a disconnected line.

*Bullet* I saw a few places where a sentence started one way, but ended another, and it looks like a choice just needs to be made. For instance:
woman with a baby who wouldn't stop crying every other minute.
Suggestion. Either
woman with a baby who cried every other minute
or
woman with a baby who wouldn't stop crying.

*Bullet* care in the world and stared at the huge signs above her.
comma after world


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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
129
129
Review of Behind Hazel Eyes  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your wonderful donation to "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* Characters:
A new player in this chapter, and it seems he's just as reluctant to be compared to his father as Aurora was to her mother.

I enjoyed the glimpse of his past here. The reasons for becoming a teacher, his love of the pictures drawn for him, and brief explanation of the prejudice of his native country, looking gaijin in the midst of the natives.

The flashbacks to his past, and the impact that the memories have on him are very emotional, and you do a good job of conveying that, especially with the sudden tears.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This was almost all character introspection into Adam's past. It will be interesting to see what his life is like now, with the final sentence of this chapter mentioning his not speaking for two years. We have an idea of what his life is like now, but again, there's something underlying here that hints at conflict in upcoming chapters.

Another great chapter, well done.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* The young man watched it idly for a moment, noticing that they made slow whirls before vanishing completely.
the singular 'it' and plural 'them' threw me for a moment here. I know that it's gramatically correct, depending on what you're trying to say, but I think you can remove the 'it' and the sentence will flow better.

*Bullet* grimy with years of served meals of soba, snapper or sushi.
suggest replacing 'or' with 'and' unless this is meant to show that this place is new to him and he doesn't know what they've served.

*Bullet* thick smell of whiskey, sake and of course smoke was beginning to stifle him
comma between sake and and

*Bullet* He was used to it, of course, having been born and raised in this country all his life.
Suggestion, change 'raised' to 'lived' to help this flow better.

*Bullet* had played with his dog (Tiger)
I wasn't sure why the dog's name was in parenthesis. I think just a comma separation would work.


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130
130
Review of Behind Hazel Eyes  
for entry "Aurora" 
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your wonderful donation to "Invalid Item" . The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* Characters:
The way that Aurora approches her newest passion at the age of twenty one is so telling of her character. The lead in before sets us up for it, but the basic dialogue with daddy when she makes this newest decision, drives the point home. Well done.

I think you did a great job of conveying Aurora's definition of 'going poor'. The amount of money she asks for in order to go live in Japan shows that she definitely hasn't put a lot of thought into this venture. But her musings in front of the mirror give us a good glimpse of the other side of her. The side that really wants to be her own person.

*Note6* Grammar:


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
"Daddy!" she whined, now seeking his undivided attention.
I almost took issue with the two paragraphs before this, stepping aside from the story to delve so deeply into back story. However, this sentence, to me, corrected all of that. It made it feel more like a brief drift off from the chracter's POV, and therefore more natural to the story.

This is a great opener. On the surface it's a lighthearted tale about a right girl off on another flight of fancy, but you've woven in something much more complex and intricate. There are promises of conflict floating everywhere in this first chapter; very compelling.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* I don't usually point out adverbs, I feel that for the most part they are a part of voice. I only really notice them when they trip me up or slow my reading, for instance, several together. Keep an eye out for instances like those below:
Dr. Reed, a handsome man in his late forties with thick but premature gray hair, had barely lifted his head from the papers on his table as he replied absently. "That's wonderful, sweetheart."

"I get to volunteer for three months at an elementary school in Japan," she continued, hardly...


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131
131
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I think this is a fantastic article. Two things really stood out to me. So often in the indepth reviews on this site, people will say either that there was excessive adverb use, or dialogue tag use. What I appreciated about this article is you do an excellent job of saying and then demonstrating why that is. It's all well and good to say 'that's just the way I write', but this explains why a little tweek doesn't have to kill the author's voice. And on a simliar note, I very much appreciated the reminder that very is an adverb (sorry, couldn't help myself *Smile* )

I appreciated your section on Didacticism. I feel like a writer should allow the reader to draw their own conclusions, especially regarding the matters you mentioned, and get knocked for this a bit in my own writing. The reader isn't stupid, they can connect the dots. But you conveyed it much more eloquantly

Don't be too quick to throw things away. That story of a child waiting for a school bus on a rainy day might not at all fit the story you removed it from, but it may be just what you need in another one.
Fantastic advice. I keep documents of deleted scenes for this very reason.

I suppose when I stop and think, I enjoyed this so much because your sentiments match my own (thoughts, not necessarily practices) when it comes to too much vs. Too little. This is a very well written article. You summarize each potential flaw, and convey both indicators and fixes in a way that is easy to process and implement. Very well written.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* they come up with another way to say the same thing.
I think you meant 'then' instead of 'they'



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132
132
Review of Ch.2 The Oracle  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* Scene/Setting:
You've got a good picture in your mind of this cabin, I can tell. Suggestion though. Instead of describing it all in one go when Sentaku looks around, maybe dole out some description of it as she interacts with the room instead. This will help the reader form a clearer image in their mind.

*Note6* Characters:
I think Kizuato is my favorite in this chapter. I love his playful attitude.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
Things are getting interesting in this chapter and The vision that Lady Tiea has is a great hook to keep us going.

I would eat my hat, not that I had a hat... but that was beside the point.
hehehe

I saw some of the same issues I pointed out in previous reviews, so I won't harp again. I like the pace you're moving along at. You're introducing new snippets of plot and conflict as you go, enough to keep us interested but not so much that it bogs things down. This is good reading.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* the girl said beaming, her high pitched voice squealing with excitement.
Suggestion:
the girl beamed, her high pitched voice squealing with excitement.

*Bullet* Me? I'm Kara, nice to meet you, Chosen One,"
Hmm...another 'K' Name. If you're not attached to some of these, you should consider changing them. Okay, last time I'll mention it.

*Bullet* which Sentaku noticed that she had also been changed into a similar outfit.
I might be reading this wrong, but it looks like a shift from first to third person.

*Bullet* In your first paragraph in the second section, because Lucifer is the only character you've introduced to the scene so far, you can refer to him mostly with pronouns. I don't think the name repetition is needed.


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133
133
Review of End Of The Line  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is clever. You set us up from the begining to dislike our narrator, but I still didn't expect the ending.

With what I paid my workers, they couldn't afford to strike.
Interesting line. I like the opportunity here to take it whichever way you'd like.

For such a short piece, you've got a good mix of dialouge and narration laying out both backstory and here and now. And again, I love the ending, it was so appropriate. Nothing stood out to me as needing correction. This flows well and is a good read.


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134
134
Review of Dust and Flight  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note2* My Personal Opinion:
letting loose a stream of toe-curling profanity (learned firsthand from her elder sister) as the absurdly heavy box landed on her toe
Fantastic line. The side note is classic, and I especially love that a box of flying powder is absurdly heavy.

"Meow," whispered Gwendolyne in as apologetic a tone as she could muster.
Hehehe

This is a clever, fun, lighthearted piece. I like the fact that you made the powder as ordinary as could be, and the conclusion of the tale just made me grin. Well written *Smile*


*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* When Gwendolyne Morgan read the words "Flying Powder" on the front of the bejeweled little case in the attic, the nine-year-old naturally disbelieved it.
Don't get me wrong - this is a fantastic start to the story. I'm intriged from the begining. It was a little akward to me though, and I think it could be fixed with just a couple of word's being moved. Suggestion:
When Gwendolyne Morgan read the words "Flying Powder" on the front of the little, bejeweled case in the attic, naturally the nine-year-old disbelieved it.

*Bullet* When you have dialogue surrounded by actions, many times a dialogue tag isn't needed to convey tone of voice. For example:
Suddenly, Aunt Christie's shrill voice broke into Gwendolyne's disappointed thoughts.

"Lunch is ready!" her aunt shrieked.
Suggestion:
Suddenly, Aunt Christie's shrill voice broke into Gwendolyne's disappointed thoughts. "Lunch is ready!"



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135
135
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is suspensful and gripping. The picture you paint, both of scenery and emotion, builds the tension in this piece to near snapping point. My eyes were glued to the screen from start to finish, first trying to figure out what the driver was looking for, the trying to figure out what they'd seen, and wondering if the poor creature was all right. The conclusion of the dream though, right before awakening, is what most caught me by surprise. I might have guessed one or the other, but to have one morph into the other threw me for a loop. Very well done.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
I saw some repeated words that could have been replaced, for instance I saw 'road' a lot, and could see some instances being substitued with throuroughfare, asphault, or other things



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136
136
Review of Pulse  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* Grammar:
I saw a few places where you're missing commas. Any time you have a list of adjectives, you'll want to separate them. For instance:
The flat widescreen monitor is humming madly
Suggestion:
The flat, widescreen monitor is humming madly

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I like the psychology of this piece. The confusion of a computer coming up on its on, blending into the pain and disgust that Alan feels at the sight he discovers.

The scene with Maria and her descent into hell felt a little out of place to me, and I don't know if you need it to convey your message. The piece is very powerful just with Alan's point of view.

Haunting work. Well done.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
A small insignificant click breaks the silence. In the darkness, a small white glow appears in the corner of the room as a humming noise grows louder, like a swarm of angry bees.
This is a fantastic opening paragraph. I just saw a couple of missing commas and a repated word. Suggestion:
An insignificant click breaks the silence. In the darkness, a small, white glow appears in the corner of the room as a humming noise grows louder, like a swarm of angry bees.



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137
137
Review of Dream Catcher.  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is such powerful prose. The pain and despair is tangible, threatening to suck the reader down with it. You do an amazing job of conveying hopelessness. The last paragraph is such meloncholy conclusion, and I think appropriate. There is no promise of false hope containted herein, only the reality that dreams offer what sometimes nothing else can.


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138
138
Review of My Love For You  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is a great poem. I found it interesting that nestled in the sweet confessions of love, you have a stanza about hurting both the one you love and having been hurt in the past. I think that adds an extra dimension to this piece, and really brings it to life; because love is not without its ups and downs. Well written.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
My only suggestion would be to replace the semicolons with commas, or in this case:
You're the only person on my mind when I awake;
I can't wait to hear your voice on the phone.
A period. To me these, are two completely separate sentences.



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139
139
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I like your introductory paragraph here. It gives us a good idea of who you are, and where you come from in writing these thoughts. Your exploration from there paints a very realistic picture of an author and their 'baby'. So few people can approach this situation from the objective position you have. Recognizing that logic and ego are frequently not on the same page. It's a sentiment I relate to very vividly as I go through my own rewrite with a co-author at my side.

Since then, I have been ravenous for feedback. I am not perfect, but I try to accept all comments graciously. I have no personal agenda when I give a review and I don't expect people that review my writing have any axes to grind against me.
Great summary of the entire review process. I think most people would agree with the first sentence here, but many would have a hard time admitting that they don't live in accordance with the remainder.

Great narrative, and once again, welcome *Smile*

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140
140
Review of The Refuge  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
Very moving piece. You paint a vivid image of her past mingling with her present. Pieces of the past were unexpected to me until you mentioned the bruise, and then the darkness of this story spiraled in.

Ricky remain an enigma throughout the story. The clues say he's something more than everyone else. With the ending, I am unsure if he returned, or if she left this plane to be with him. I don't know that the specifics matter though, as much as allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions.

Compelling piece and very well written.

*Idea* I have very few suggestions:
I saw a vew instances of repeated words, but not many. For instance:
She left this small hamlet those many years ago and never looked back.
Suggestion: Change 'those many years' to 'so long' to avoid the repeated word years.

Over all I felt this was clean and well edited.


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141
141
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I love the picture you painted here. A house already standing built into a Home just right for the one who needed it. You show us the tranquility, the companionship of pets and family (although I know that pets frequently are familiy *Smile* ), of a caring neigborhood and a beautiful outdoor setting. I could picture it all, and it reminded me that someday I'd very much like something similar.



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142
142
Review of Jeremy  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
Your brief description says this is a character introduction - it's a very compelling one. The narration at the begining exposes us to a day in the life of Jeremy and allows us to feel some sympathy for him at being overworked. We've all had that 'did I remember...' moment after a long day of work, but for most of us, it's not as critical as Jeremy.

The exposure to his thoughts during the accident was fantastic. You had a good mix of fear, shock, confusion, regret, exhaustion. You've got a clean, even writing voice and I look forward to seeing more of your work.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:

*Bullet* I don't see anything in your intro that would earn it above an E rating, so you may want to change your intro rating to help you show up in more searches.

*Bullet* When you have Jeremy thinking, consider putting the thoughts in single quotes or in italics to help it stand out for the reader.

*Bullet* You have both '18-hours' and 'eighteen hours' in the first paragraph. Both are correct, but consider selecting one format or the other for consistency.


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143
143
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* Plot:
Carrier, Chosen, Protector, and an arrogant ruler. This is off to a great start *Smile*

*Note6* Scene/Setting:
Since I was near the end of the ruins, I decided to go through the door there,
This, along with the earlier observation about these being old stone ruins are a great way to add to the 'dejavu' feeling that Sentaku has. Having never been here, she knows a lot about this place. Good job.

*Note6* Characters:
Ketsueki sounds yummy *Smile* You've got a lot of 'K' names already. If you're not attached to all of them, I'd suggest replacing them with something else to help the reader keep track more easily.

'where am I'? You're here, that's where
Awesome line. You're doing a fantastic job of showing us Ketsueki's personality through dialogue. I love that.


*Note6* Grammar:
*Bullet* I saw some places with run on sentences and comma splices (joining two sentences with a comma when they should stand on their own.) For example:
*Bullet* toward the sky, the second,
Start a new sentence between sky and the and remove the comma after second

*Bullet* I see something here that I saw in the prologue as well. You have some instances where you bury your dialogue tags behind the description. To give the reader a better feel for the spoke word, try and put the tags right after the dialogue and then follow them with description. For instance:
a deep, strangely accented voice commented
Suggestion:
commented a deep, strangely accented voice.

Quickly, I turned around in alarm.
I'll only harp on adverbs this once, because I think people drive the point into the ground when it doesn't need to be. But in cases like this, sometimes a verb can convey as much as an adverb and verb put together. Suggestion:
I spun in alarm.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I like that you've opened the story with action, sticking us in the middle of things from the begining. I also think it's good that you didn't take time out to explain what came before. This helps keep the pace quick and gives me something to look forward to and a reason to keep reading.


*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* I studied the weird drawings closely
You repeat this phrase in the next paragraph in dialogue. Because this is probably how your main character speaks aloud, I would suggest leaving it there and replacing 'weird drawings' here with 'odd pictures'.

*Bullet* toward the sky, the second,
Start a new sentence between sky and the and remove the comma after second

*Bullet* noticing how he'd known my name when I hadn't even told him.
You've already implied this with your dialogue, you can probably remove it completely here.

*Bullet* You have some places where thoughts are in italics, and others where you have narration that should be thought, but isn't in italics. For instance:
What was with this guy? Did he always talk to himself aloud like this, or was this just some kind of special occasion for him?


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144
144
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* Plot:
Prophecy, demons, light vs. dark, and multiple Lightbringers. Very intriguing. A story that starts off this way, to me, has great promise. Few people do a good job of delving into this time old question, but you're already off to a great stop.

*Note6* Characters:
Your dialogue between Kizuato and the man, about a female chosen, is not only a good way to introduce some back story without disrupting the current, but shows the character of these men, and makes them seem more three-dimensional; stepping outside of work to have a normal conversation.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
Very first, the title for your prologue is great. Two words, so much promise. It was that last nudge I needed to look inside.

I love the prophecy. To me it puts all of the burden on the light, foretelling that they will be the ones unwilling to cooperate with the dark. To me this is a good twist on cliche', and sets the story apart immediately.

I thought it was interesting that you refer to Kiera as the lightbringer, since your main character here is also referred to as the same thing in some circles. I like this prologue a lot more, and am eager to keep reading. Well done.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* a man, wearing a long black trench coat, covered in vast amounts of blood, said to his companion, a rather mysterious looking fellow.
To me, it was odd to have the dialogue tag buried so deep in this sentance. Suggestion:
a man said. He wore a long, black trench coat, covered in vast amounts of blood, and was accompanied by a rather mysterious looking fellow.

*Bullet* Kizuato said, a small frown upon his tanned face.
It became clear in the next sentence, but here it wasn't obvious if this was the blood covered man, or the mysterious fellow. You may want to make it more clear here who Kizuato is.

*Bullet* only a single prophecy was written in the book, yet hundreds of blank, yellowed pages remained.
Suggestion:
only a single prophecy was writtin in the book, surrounded by hunderes of blank, yellowed pages.


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145
145
Review of I'm just me.  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* Plot:
This is an easy going story about a high school girl living life and experiencing love. But it has an underlying tone of warning to it because of the way you started things off. It's good, it keeps the reader in suspense and wondering what could possibly go wrong in such a happy life.

*Note6* Characters:
You do a great job of showing rather than telling the kind of background Bethany comes from. And as you introduce her siblings, you continue the same trend. Their actions show us who they are. In some cases, you've explained this as well, and I don't know if that's needed. You've already painted a great picture, let the reader draw their own conclusions *Smile*

Not that she was shy, she just hated being alone for very along.
This was an interesting comment. I wouldn't have thought of her as being shy from your description unless you said that. She would have come across more to me as someone who doesn't like to be alone with her own thoughts.

*Note6* Grammar:
Whenever you have a new character speaking, and frequenly when you change to a new charcter's actions, start a new paragraph. Also, if the character speaking is also doing something, you don't need dialogue tags if they don't describe a tone of voice. For example:
"You guys disgust me sometimes, you know that, right?" Caitlyn said as she barged in my room. Joey rolled off of me and I sat up on my bed. "You bother the hell out of me sometimes, you know that, right?" I replied, "What do you want?" Caitlyn went into my bathroom and returned holding my deoderant.
Suggestion:
"You guys disgust me sometimes, you know that, right?" Caitlyn barged in my room.

Joey rolled off of me and I sat up on my bed. "You bother the hell out of me sometimes, you know that, right?" I replied, "What do you want?"

Caitlyn went into my bathroom and returned holding my deoderant.

Well, sord of," I told her
Change sord to sort

Me and joey are going down to the park
Change joey to Joey


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I like the internal dialogue that you opened this with, and the fact that people's perceptions are such a sharp contrast to each other. Great way to make the reader wonder why.

This is an intriguing story so far. Your hint at the begining It's going to be hard to tell this. But I've committed myself to tell my story. promises interesting things to come.

Just a suggestion, you've laid out your characters well, and promised conflict in the future, but haven't introduced any yet. So far Bethany has a perfect life, a perfect boyfriend, all of that. It's fun reading, but I hope you're introducing some conflict soon, even if its not the main conflict.

I like the make out scenes with Joey. They're sweet and make me feel warm and fuzzy *Smile*

Well written. With some polishing, this will become a fantastic, compelling piece.


*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* People usually percieve me as one of two ways:
Suggest removing 'as'.

*Bullet* this is what people usually thought of me.
Change thought to think to help the present tense feeling of this paragraph.



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146
146
Review of vampire novel  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note5* My Personal Opinion:
This is a good start to an interesting concept. You've taken vampires in a different direction, and I like that your chapters alternate between Layna and Owen's Points of View. Doing this allows the reader to pick one or the other to sympathise with, and keeps things interesting in each setting. Well done, I hope you have more to read soon *Smile*



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147
147
Review of Chapter Three  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note5* Characters:
Good insight into Layna's thoughts at the begining of this chapter with Lady Eudora. You do a good job of conveying that this girl has just lost everyone and really needs comfort.

Brigitte is interesting, and seems bitter about not only her appearance, but the fact that her Lady requires a great deal of work from her and not much else.

*Note5* My Personal Opinion:
The dresses in the closet are very exquisite, and they are there for you to wear, but only when you attend to me on certain outings,"
Interesting...

The story is unfolding in an interesting way. At the end and begining of this chapter, you show Layna's grief, but in between, she doesn't seem to complain much about her situation.

I'm still intrigued and looking forward to seeing how this progresses. I hope you have more soon.


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148
148
Review of Chapter Two  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note5* Characters:
The thing I noticed almost immediately here was that Owen's description of Layna is much more vivid than her's of him in the previous chapter. It gives me the feeling that he's more infatuated with her than she is with him.

We walked over to his car, a renovated fourth generation Lincoln Continental, and he popped open the trunk.
Interesting...This very subtly says that this character knows and appreciates cars.

*Note5* Grammar:
I've seen a few instances of passive voice in each of your chapters. Keep an eye out for these. A lot of times just a tiny change will give a sentance more pop without destroying meaning. For example:
As they laughed at and mocked us, children were crying in their chains, young men were cursing, and girls were begging for freedom.
Suggestion:
As they laughed at and mocked us, children cried in their chains, young men cursed, and girls begged for freedom.

*Note5* My Personal Opinion:
You've revealed a lot in this chapter about the nature of vampires and once again taken them in a different route than is traditional. The contract between the way Owen's owner treats him and the way Layna was treated is interesting, and I can see potential for conflict there in the future. The information towards the end, about what vapires are, is good, but to have it all at once may be a bit much. If you can, try and spread it throughout the story, maybe letting Owen find out pieces at a time.

Interesting story so far, well done.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* Sometime later I came to and woke up on the lawn
This is redundant. Maybe either use came to, or woke up, but not both.

*Bullet* Apparently this conversation would be one-sided, due to his lack of input.

I don't think you need 'due to his lack of input here', I think the part before sums that up.


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149
149
Review of Chapter One  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note5* Plot:
I like that you've taken a unique approach to the vampire concept - the idea of the vampires coming into control and the humans being the species forced to live a lesser life.

*Note5* Characters:
Your description of the slave trader, both physically and through his actions, evokes a strong hatred in me almost immediately.

The fact that you dressed your vampires in a wide assortment of period clothing is a good touch.

*Note5* My Personal Opinion:
Your descriptions throughout this chapter are vivid. The imagery comparing the descent of the vampires to falling snow, the physical reaction of the character to the cold, and the emotions created by the circumstance.

You've done a good job with the flashback. So many times flashbacks are just 'telling' of the past, but you've put as much action in it as in the rest of the story. And it answered the question I was starting to ask myself 'how exactly did these people get in shackles'?

"Very well. I will take this one," she spoke once more to the trader. "I will give you fifty for her, it should be more than enough."
This is a good, subtle detail. In the midst of the humiliation of being drug out of one's house, into the snow, in one's underwear, you find out you're worth fifty bucks.

The end of this chapter is very emotion filled. The grief filled Layna having to say good bye to everyone she knows. You did a good job with the goodbye scene with Owen.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* and men who would be trained as warriors to defend the territory
Suggestion, change would to could.

*Bullet* My father lay sprawled on the floor in his robe with a broken neck and my mother in her nightgown, collapsed in the armchair with a bullet in her chest
This raised two questions in my mind - how did she know dad's neck was broken and why didn't she hear the gunshot? For dad, I'd suggest instead of just saying 'broken neck' maybe observe that his head tilted at an unnatural angle that could only mean one thing.

*Bullet* The weight of my parents' deaths descended onto me with the weight of a giant boulder.
Repeated word 'weight'. Maybe replace the first instance with severity, pressure, or reality.


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150
150
Review of Prologue  
Review by Allyson Lindt
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note5* My Personal Opinion:
You prologue starts powerfully. A strong opening sentance is so key in a compelling story, and you've succeeded there.

You've laid a good groundwork for things to come. Setting background and base plot, I definitely want to know what comes next in this new world. The thing I like most about this though, is that the concept behind the vampires coming into power is so very plausible given the state of the world. The line :
Anyone with wealth and publicity could become a leader.
really summed this up beautifully.

Well done, I'm off to find out more about this world you've created.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet*It turns out that about two-thirds
Change turns to turned


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