Hello there
Found this on the Request for Review page so here goes
This poem reads like a song. If I wasn't tone-deaf I'd try and put a melody to it
Just one minor suggestion:
In the first stanza, the last three lines rhyme (look, book, hook) however the third stanza (verse) doesn't rhyme in the same place (obession, sensation, perfection) which feels like a bit of a let-down. I found myself going back to the first stanza to re-read, wondering if I'd missed something.
hmmm like it very much, nice write! I especially like how you say everything that needs to be said... without actually saying it! I do very much like poems that are sensual without being too explicit!
I quite like the sentiments you are attempting to express in this poem, unfortunately the flow is somewhat stilted and clumsy which is a great shame.
An example:
For In the heart love can grow,
for in the heart tells who we really are.
This last line of the last stanza needs a bit of rewording as it doesn't make sense, I thought of simply suggesting removing 'in' but it's more than that to me, it's not a proper finale to the poem; something else is missing.
I can't technically fault this poem - I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors, for example - but then, it is not really my cup of tea, either. There's something amiss, and I can't quite put my finger on it. I tired of reading it after the third or fourth stanza, which may or may not to be something to do with the repetitiveness of 'not telling a soul', but also perhaps because I just didn't feel the poem moving forward at a fast enough pace.
I am sorry that I am not able to offer you any suggestions of how to improve this, it is after all only my opinion.
Just repaying your visit to my port and I came upon this lil poem
I have just a couple of suggestions for improvement:
You seem to be dipping in and out of past and present tense so just a little bit of tidying up to achieve consistency. E.g.:
You held your stare from across the room.
I laugh laughed and waved to you,
When in an unexpected day,
you were walking hand in hand with her
A voice came to me from behind
"He loved you so much.."
A few things here that I would change:
The first line sounds wrong, it's not 'in' but 'on' a day but it doesn't sound right with 'unexpected' - perhaps reword this line completely?
Insert comma after 'hand' in the second line
The voice bit I don't really get - who is talking to her? A voice from behind? His new girl? Why would she say such a thing?
What an angry poem but filled with emotions that many people will be able to relate to - even if they never end up 'doing the deed'.
I have a bit of a problem with this rhyme: later / better
I am not sure what you mean by 'fore thee' Crying blood to heal the wound fore thee
Also, 'thee' is the only time you are using the old-fashioned Shakespearean expression for 'you'. I suggest you chose one form and stick to it.
Now why didn't I think of that! I always seem to enter these back-breaking contests, e.g. Write 1 trillion words in 3 days without using the letter "a" or Review at least 6 different items at once, for 6 weeks non-stop -- ok kidding, but I'm sure what you mean.
There's nothing I can fault on this very short item - no typos or grammar errors, and I appreciate it is difficult to write a story of such a short word limit. However, when you do so, the words you use count all the more and therefore need to have extra impact. I noticed that most of your sentences start with either "I" or "He" - a bit of rewording, removing unnecessary repetitions and I think it could be REALLY good!
A nice little poem with some sweet rhymes e.g. wasted / tasted
I didn't notice any typos or grammar errors -
This kind of poem seems to be 'all the range' here at w.com (or I am just prone to stumble upon them all the time hehe ) and unfortunately, this one doesn't offer me a new insight or a fresh perspective. I am not sure how to change this - it is afer all just my personal opinion
Last of the three reviews you purchased through "Invalid Item" which is not to say I won't be back to visit your port at a later date!
Just a couple of suggestions you might wish to consider:
You ought to capitalise brand names such as Levi and Nike
Again, this poem is lacking in some punctuation to pull it all together
High on the smell of her
Savoring the taste of her
Rather than the repetition of of her I would re-word the second line to something like: Savoring her sweet taste
Or build in a more powerful association to the actual smell, e.g. honey
Beads of sweat on his forehead and upper lipface
I suggest putting speech in inverted commas or italics at least.
Apart from that it is quite a sensual poem and I did enjoy it!
What I like about this poem is that we all have set ideas about what 'symbols of love' are but yours are refreshingly un-cliche. For example, you are using the image of playful baby squirrels and Christmas trees which is just wonderful.
I guess the only thing is that the consistency of the poem sort of breaks with the last line of the final stanza where you are posing the questions Who can define love? which, juding from the previous stanzas isn't really the full question you are raising, but rather (something like) Who has the right to tell you what love is, or who is to say one person's symbols of love are superior to another person's - the challenge will be for you to put that into just one snappy line
aw how sweet and un-cliche this poem is! I like it very much
The only thing I can suggest is that you change the wording in the first stanza ever so slightly as you are using "sings" twice - Just a thought though
I found this piece on the Request for Review page so thought I'd pop in and have a look.
The poem is sad and quite powerful, the only thing is that the rhyming is rather predictable and cliche. There isn't really anything I can suggest to change it, it is just a personal preference that I like to see a couple of rhymes that take me aback.
It certainly looks like your novel would be an interesting read! You've got some great ideas, and your prologue is intriguing.
Just a couple of minor suggestions:
“Use yer deadlights, Lookout”.
I think this should be "use yer deadlights! Lookout!" Warnings from the bell sounded throughout the craft [insert comma] raising tension from ... ...wet planks groaning and shouting from injuries and fatalities.
Not sure bodies can shout? Blasts erupted from the craft [insert comma] blustering holes into... “For thou art the creator of everlasting victory”. ." forcefully grabbing her hair [insert comma] making her scream in pain. All looked lost giving negative responses.
This makes no sense, just needs re-wording.
This is a really lovely short poem that, I think, wonderfully describes how we all feel at times; helpless, confused, alone. But - as you so aptly say - only every now and then.
I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors, hence the five stars
No typos / grammar errors or suggestions for improvement - looks really good to me!
What I liked / didn’t like:
The fact that this poem is beautifully written is only compounded by your choice of images which you have used; they complete the poem, creating a perfect unity. Well done!
This is my favourite line in this little article! I love it!
What I liked / didn’t like:
I love the idea of vacuuming in the dark! I am not quite as bad as that but do prefer the more romantic lighting, too. You've written this piece really well, I like your sense of humour which just shines through. Well done!
Each horses mane dappled silver
horse's hrough Grandmother suns sweet golden rays
Sun's
What I liked / didn’t like:
You seem to be dipping in and out of rhyming which is a great shame because it breaks the flow. The stanzas which do rhyme work really well, and with improved consistency, this poem could be really great.
Apart from that, no typos / grammar errors or suggestions for improvement
What I liked / didn’t like:
This is a wonderful short poem which I really enjoyed because A) it is beautifully written and B) I can completely relate to the complete sense of magic in rediscovering the world through the eyes of your children.
Keep writing & enjoy the convention!
Smiles
Anne
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only kidding
Again, just a bit of stumbling as you apply different patterns for the rhyming however, as it's for a song I don't think it's as critical. 
? This is supposed to be a bad poem! 
and I didn't notice any typos / grammar errors hence the five stars!